Ex passed by when I was on a date

[Boomshine]

Thanks Boomshine. I feel like I have to constantly fight those dark feelings and it's exhausting. Last night in bed I felt okay, did take a while to fall to sleep. This morning (am at work), feel like crap again. Anxious.

 

I went to see a psychologist yesterday, didn't help a lot. All he kept talking about was taking medication. And that it was okay to lie in bed all day during the weekend, if it was to sleep. And yes, sport could help.

 

I ordered that book by Eddy Corbano (Love's A Game), a couple of interesting things in there, but nothing very new (after reading LS for weeks now).

 

A therapist / counselor is going to help you more in this department than a psych will, for sure.

 

Well, let me ask you this: What do you feel is missing (in terms of knowledge / understanding / empathy)? What do you believe to be your disconnect? What are the biggest questions or concerns plaguing you currently?

 

I may have a bit of wisdom to impart and help you feel better until you can see a therapist.

[Bella2]

A therapist / counselor is going to help you more in this department than a psych will, for sure.

 

Well, let me ask you this: What do you feel is missing (in terms of knowledge / understanding / empathy)? What do you believe to be your disconnect? What are the biggest questions or concerns plaguing you currently?

 

I may have a bit of wisdom to impart and help you feel better until you can see a therapist.

 

You are helping me more than the 2 therapists I've seen in two weeks (didn't "click" with either of them). So THANK YOU. Really.

 

Feeling a bit better now in the moment. Have to be distracted. I know what to do. More excercises in staying mindfull. Start to sport.

 

It's the being alone-part that sometimes freaks me out. Not always, but the "unknown future and i-will-stay-forever-alone" are thoughts that don't help a lot.

[Bella2]

Keeping up my LS-journal.

 

This morning I felt like sh*t, nearly wanted to leave work, but then after forcing myself to think of positive things I can do in the future, I started feeling better

 

Today I:

1. Made an appointment with a coach who is inspired by buddhism. We're on for next week.

2. Signed up for tapdance-lessons! Always wanted to try that. Love music, love percussion, love dancing. It's a great combination of those three. First lesson tonight.

 

To all of you: hang in there!!!

[Boomshine]

You are helping me more than the 2 therapists I've seen in two weeks (didn't "click" with either of them). So THANK YOU. Really.

 

Feeling a bit better now in the moment. Have to be distracted. I know what to do. More excercises in staying mindfull. Start to sport.

 

It's the being alone-part that sometimes freaks me out. Not always, but the "unknown future and i-will-stay-forever-alone" are thoughts that don't help a lot.

 

Absolutely! I've actually been doing relationship/dating/breakup/life coaching for almost two years now, so I'm glad it's working for you as well, and I'm always glad to help.

 

And your thoughts that are freaking you out, I think I see how this plays out. Get a few weeks of tap dance under your belt, and you'll start feeling happier overall (assuming you do become passionate about it). Then, that will show up in your general behavior when you're out with your friends, and guys in the venue will pick up on that. Suddenly, you're finding yourself with more options than you would have imagined, and BOOM! You've got so much potential that the idea of being "forever alone" is sillier than...

 

I dunno. The thought of an elephant wearing ballet slippers? Hahaha

[Bella2]

Absolutely! I've actually been doing relationship/dating/breakup/life coaching for almost two years now, so I'm glad it's working for you as well, and I'm always glad to help.

You're an actual coach yourself? Yesterday I was thinking: i should become a breakup-coach Seriously, I was thinking that

 

And your thoughts that are freaking you out, I think I see how this plays out. Get a few weeks of tap dance under your belt, and you'll start feeling happier overall (assuming you do become passionate about it). Then, that will show up in your general behavior when you're out with your friends, and guys in the venue will pick up on that. Suddenly, you're finding yourself with more options than you would have imagined, and BOOM! You've got so much potential that the idea of being "forever alone" is sillier than...

 

I dunno. The thought of an elephant wearing ballet slippers? Hahaha

 

I'm quite picky. And apparently I should be even pickier in the future... So this "more options than you would have imagined"... i hope so haha.

 

It's all about "being alone" now. It's no longer about the ex. The way I feel now has nothing to do with him in a way, it's how I have to learn to "re-do" my life. Before the year with my ex, I was with somebody for 2 years. Before that, with somebody for 12 years! And now I understand I have to "find myself" (so cliché but true).

 

It's been a long time that I was alone for a "long" time, it freaks me out at times, and that's my life-lesson now. Get past that fear and feel ok. Alone. "Forget what was, accept what is and have faith in what will be"

 

Anyway, today feeling sort of okay (not TOO anxious, was actually quite well distracted a couple of times during the day while at work), but just a bit "weak" physically and tired (that too shall pass?). Keep doing my "mindfull" exercises as much as possible/when I think of it.

[Bella2]

F*CK IT.

 

Was doing okay being mindfull and staying on top of things.

 

Just now I see that my ex' best friend sends me an invitation through FB for The Big Birthday Fiesta of him and my ex (their birthday is about the same time). They know half the town, so it's gonna be a big thing. (I'm still friends with his friend, but I don't follow him anymore)

 

My heart dropped, felt a shock, immediately deleted the invitation without looking at the date (really really really do not want to know when it is).

 

Why the hell would he invite me? Idiot.

 

[Bella2]

So I deleted this f*cking invitation. Then I see others who say they are GOING (immediately deleted it, luckily still don't know the date). I'm gonna avoid FB for the coming weeks.

[Bella2]

Evanesceworld, I sent you 2 private messages, did you receive them?

[BC1980]

F*CK IT.

 

Was doing okay being mindfull and staying on top of things.

 

Just now I see that my ex' best friend sends me an invitation through FB for The Big Birthday Fiesta of him and my ex (their birthday is about the same time). They know half the town, so it's gonna be a big thing. (I'm still friends with his friend, but I don't follow him anymore)

 

My heart dropped, felt a shock, immediately deleted the invitation without looking at the date (really really really do not want to know when it is).

 

Why the hell would he invite me? Idiot.

 

 

Ugh. Maybe he just sent the invite out to a bunch of people on his FB list? Either way, it sucks. Stuff like that happens that you can't control. I think it's best to cut ties with as many of his friends as you can. It's not worth it in the end because most people don't realize how much something like an invitation will hurt you.

[evanescentworld]

....I'm gonna avoid FB for the coming weeks.

I'd delete it altogether.

Never did me any harm.....

 

Evanesceworld, I sent you 2 private messages, did you receive them?

 

Yup, dearest. Replied....

[Bella2]

Ugh. Maybe he just sent the invite out to a bunch of people on his FB list? Either way, it sucks. Stuff like that happens that you can't control. I think it's best to cut ties with as many of his friends as you can. It's not worth it in the end because most people don't realize how much something like an invitation will hurt you.

 

No, they have no clue

I guess he just wants to be nice and polite, and invited me too. Yaaaaay.

 

So, last night I cried. Then I went to bed and started meditating like crazy and that did help...

 

This morning, not feeling great (never in the mornings...), anyway, life goes on and this too shall pass.

[Bella2]

This was not a good day. Had quite some dark thoughts.

 

Came home after work, and started crying. Have a headache.

 

I was doing a bit better, but after that bloody invitation for my ex' birthday party (his birthday is next week, but luckily I still don't know when the party is - although I'm sure someone will tell me about it) I keep having visions of my ex, having the time of his life at his birthday party, dancing all night long with his new girlfriend. With lots of people there that I know.

 

And I'm struggling to get through the day.

 

I don't want him back. It's not that at all. It's just painful to know he's doing great and my life sucks for the moment.

[Boomshine]

This was not a good day. Had quite some dark thoughts.

 

Came home after work, and started crying. Have a headache.

 

I was doing a bit better, but after that bloody invitation for my ex' birthday party (his birthday is next week, but luckily I still don't know when the party is - although I'm sure someone will tell me about it) I keep having visions of my ex, having the time of his life at his birthday party, dancing all night long with his new girlfriend. With lots of people there that I know.

 

And I'm struggling to get through the day.

 

I don't want him back. It's not that at all. It's just painful to know he's doing great and my life sucks for the moment.

 

Ah, but the thing you have to remember is... You're getting this out of the way now! You're doing the RIGHT thing right now by getting your coping and grieving out of the way. He's merely distracting himself from the pain with another person. You're doing what you need to do in order to make yourself better RIGHT NOW, and he's choosing to push it off and procrastinate. But the beautiful thing is, he can't push it away forever. He'll be forced to deal with it inevitably. And chances are, by that point, you'll already be feeling immensely better than you do now.

 

You're gonna see him dealing with all the crap you've been going through now, and you'll be able to chuckle and think to yourself," Oh yeah, I remember what that felt like... MONTHS AGO when I dealt with it." And then you'll laugh and laugh and laugh...

 

My point is, things SEEM good for him right now, but that's only because of the dopamine rush of having someone new in his life. And the best part of dopamine (or any chemical, really) is that everyone builds a tolerance to it. That's why the Honeymoon Phase NEVER lasts forever. The Honeymoon Phase can be physically tracked to how long one produces dopamine. And once that's the case, he's got to make the decision of whether his new relationship is worth sticking around for or not. Chances are, he won't, and then he'll have to grieve what he lost with you. FINALLY.

 

So, long story short, just remember, he may seem good right now because he's essentially getting high, but you're working on building everlasting happiness, regardless of who may be in your life or not. Although he may be "happy" right now (and I HIGHLY HIGHLY HIGHLY doubt he's truly happy), when it comes down to who's going to be happy for the rest of their life, you've got a huge lead on him.

[No Limit]

Please don't tell me you intend to go to his party just because it wouldn't be polite otherwise...

[Bella2]

Ah, but the thing you have to remember is... You're getting this out of the way now! You're doing the RIGHT thing right now by getting your coping and grieving out of the way. He's merely distracting himself from the pain with another person. You're doing what you need to do in order to make yourself better RIGHT NOW, and he's choosing to push it off and procrastinate. But the beautiful thing is, he can't push it away forever. He'll be forced to deal with it inevitably. And chances are, by that point, you'll already be feeling immensely better than you do now.

 

You're gonna see him dealing with all the crap you've been going through now, and you'll be able to chuckle and think to yourself," Oh yeah, I remember what that felt like... MONTHS AGO when I dealt with it." And then you'll laugh and laugh and laugh...

 

My point is, things SEEM good for him right now, but that's only because of the dopamine rush of having someone new in his life. And the best part of dopamine (or any chemical, really) is that everyone builds a tolerance to it. That's why the Honeymoon Phase NEVER lasts forever. The Honeymoon Phase can be physically tracked to how long one produces dopamine. And once that's the case, he's got to make the decision of whether his new relationship is worth sticking around for or not. Chances are, he won't, and then he'll have to grieve what he lost with you. FINALLY.

 

So, long story short, just remember, he may seem good right now because he's essentially getting high, but you're working on building everlasting happiness, regardless of who may be in your life or not. Although he may be "happy" right now (and I HIGHLY HIGHLY HIGHLY doubt he's truly happy), when it comes down to who's going to be happy for the rest of their life, you've got a huge lead on him.

 

You always make me feel better, Boomshine Thank you thank you thank you.

 

Was feeling a bit low again today, then went to get my car to go to work... It had been towed away!!! Had to pay 220 euro (i live in Europe) to get my car back! How to get to the car? Nobody to drive me there, so I took a taxi... More money spent on nothing. Then I started feeling really sorry for myself, which is never a good thing to do

 

Planning on having a long walk tonight.

[Bella2]

Please don't tell me you intend to go to his party just because it wouldn't be polite otherwise...

 

Of course I'm going, I'm invited right?

 

JUST KIDDING

[Boomshine]

You always make me feel better, Boomshine Thank you thank you thank you.

 

Was feeling a bit low again today, then went to get my car to go to work... It had been towed away!!! Had to pay 220 euro (i live in Europe) to get my car back! How to get to the car? Nobody to drive me there, so I took a taxi... More money spent on nothing. Then I started feeling really sorry for myself, which is never a good thing to do

 

Planning on having a long walk tonight.

 

It's all my pleasure, seriously!

 

I'm sorry to hear about the car issue, but it's really great to see how you're letting it pretty much just roll off your shoulders!

 

Just remember, these low moments will continue for a while. But it does seem like they're already getting significantly less frequent, and when they happen, they're not affecting you as heavily as they used to. That's huge progress for you, and you should feel immensely proud of yourself in that regard!

 

And of course, the VERY BEST part of this all is that you're not reacting to any of it. At least not to anyone involved. You may be posting your reactions here, but that's perfectly healthy! It's much better to be doing it here rather than actually unleashing your reactant feelings to anyone who might be involved (especially he-who-shall-not-be-named).

 

You're doing a PHENOMENAL job of fighting the good fight thus far. And as long as you keep this up, in a very short while (not as short as you'd hope, but shorter than you expect) you'll be able to have these feelings or memories crop up, and just shrug and think to yourself "Meh."

 

You're getting there. Don't beat yourself up for not being there yet. Treat yourself amazingly for how far you've gotten so far!

 

We're always here for you!

Boom

[Bella2]

And of course, the VERY BEST part of this all is that you're not reacting to any of it. At least not to anyone involved. You may be posting your reactions here, but that's perfectly healthy! It's much better to be doing it here rather than actually unleashing your reactant feelings to anyone who might be involved (especially he-who-shall-not-be-named).

It's been No Contact since a month now. Although I did bump into him twice, but all we said was hello. Yesterday was his birthday, ignored that too.

 

You're doing a PHENOMENAL job of fighting the good fight thus far. And as long as you keep this up, in a very short while (not as short as you'd hope, but shorter than you expect) you'll be able to have these feelings or memories crop up, and just shrug and think to yourself "Meh."

 

You're getting there. Don't beat yourself up for not being there yet. Treat yourself amazingly for how far you've gotten so far!

 

We're always here for you!

Boom

Thanks, I didn't really look at it like that (in a positive way). Yes, the lows are a bit less I think. Onwards and upwards!

[Bella2]

Pfffffffff....... Feeling sad and blue.......... Not as depressed as right after the BU (thank god), but still......... I just don't like being alone!

[Bella2]

Don't know why I feel the need to share this on LS, but it's a bit like a journal for me.

 

I still think about him, but it doesn't hurt really. The thing is, I just feel lonely. Even though I have my work, my friends, my family.... It's just not the same.

 

So... I signed up on two dating sites. Been bombarded by messages from guys I seriously would avoid in the street. Deleted them instantly. But had a couple of chats with some guys that seem okay. Well anyway, it's a distraction....

 

Will probably go for a drink with a guy that calls himself "Fargo". I liked his profile, I liked his pictures, we chatted a bit, and hey, a drink won't do any harm, right?

 

Or is everybody gonna tell me "It's too soon to date!!!!!"

[movingonnow1]

Try being single for a while. Relying on someone for happiness and helping you not feel lonely is not the right approach.

[No Limit]

At least, tell the guys that they're rebounds. Chances are some of them have been lonely enough to actually put up with it.

[Bella2]

Try being single for a while. Relying on someone for happiness and helping you not feel lonely is not the right approach.

 

I know. But meeting new people can be a good thing. But well, yeah, I know.....

[chimpanA-2-chimpanZ]

Go on dates. It's an important part of the healing process. Even if they don't work out, you need to re-learn how to go out with new people and enjoy the company of others. Going out also keeps you from being lonely at home.

 

It's too soon if...

...you immediately fall in love with the guy.

...you start fantasizing about being in a relationship with him.

...you can't stop comparing him to your ex.

...you think about your ex the entire time.

...you go home and cry your eyes out.

 

Unless that happens, I think you're fine. After my worst breakup I spent a month trying to get myself back together, then began going on dates again. The dates were so awful I frankly felt relieved to be by myself! It really helped me re-affirm my self-esteem.

 

Good luck!

[Bella2]

Thanks :-) I don't easily fall in love, so that's not gonna happen immediately. For the other points you noted, we'll see...

 

I've never been on a date with someone I know through a dating site, this is all new to me. But well, why not give it a try.