Can someone remind me why it's not good to break NC when they contact you (Updated)

September 17, 2014

Just a quick update. Had a few texts with her this morning, she told me she'll always love me and doesn't want to lose me completely from her life (attempted friend zone)

Strangely, I have been fine last night and today. Feeling pretty good and like I got what i wanted (confirmation that she still has feelings). Which is good for my ego, but really hasn't set me back to plotting on getting her back. I am hoping this isn't the calm before the storm, but I really don't expect to hear from her in awhile, and am ok with it.

Maybe it's cause I felt very good last week until I had the anxiety of knowing she would be here in a few days weighing on my mind from friday - monday. Today feels like a fresh start. Kinda like something you are anxious about, maybe public speaking.. then when you get through it and it wasn't so bad.. you feel relieved

Therapist gave me some homework, pro/con list - it helps! And a worksheet to breakdown strong emotional moments (good and bad), by identifying the trigger, what i was thinking, how I was feeling and any body sensations

Also told to read a book called stop walking on eggshells. Said my ex sounded like she's in the borderline personality spectrum (not a diagnosis!!!) and I may benefit from reading this.

September 17, 2014

Dude, you need to stop talking to her. It's never going to move forward if you keep getting sucked into contact. I mean, I'm glad you are having some positive sessions with your therapist, but you still keep making the same fundamental mistake you've been making the whole time.

September 17, 2014

Dude, you need to stop talking to her. It's never going to move forward if you keep getting sucked into contact. I mean, I'm glad you are having some positive sessions with your therapist, but you still keep making the same fundamental mistake you've been making the whole time.

Yeah, I know. I was fine till I saw her, hearing her being mad at me for not responding just brought back all feelings from during the relationship where she was always getting mad at me for something and i was trying to undo it. It's messed up, I know, but I am still under her thumb and her being mad at me creates an emotional response just like before. The head(logic/reason) just losses control and submits to the will of my emotions.

I miss her tremendously too.

It's been 1 day NC now, I still have the last hurdle which is her getting the rest of her stuff.

I am not sure what will happen, then, or the next time she contacts me. I don't have strong urges to text/call her, and would only (potentially) respond to her if she texts me. I just don't want to be in a situation again where she is angry with me and I fall apart upon seeing her. I did ignore almost 30 attempted contacts on her part by the time I saw her.

And thanks again for taking the time to respond, I know this must be tiring, repeating the same stuff over and over to sad sacks like me. Please know that it is appreciated, it does help and I know you speak the truth.

September 17, 2014

Yeah, I know. I was fine till I saw her, hearing her being mad at me for not responding just brought back all feelings from during the relationship where she was always getting mad at me for something and i was trying to undo it. It's messed up, I know, but I am still under her thumb and her being mad at me creates an emotional response just like before. The head(logic/reason) just losses control and submits to the will of my emotions.

I miss her tremendously too.

It's been 1 day NC now, I still have the last hurdle which is her getting the rest of her stuff.

I am not sure what will happen, then, or the next time she contacts me. I don't have strong urges to text/call her, and would only (potentially) respond to her if she texts me. I just don't want to be in a situation again where she is angry with me and I fall apart upon seeing her. I did ignore almost 30 attempted contacts on her part by the time I saw her.

And thanks again for taking the time to respond, I know this must be tiring, repeating the same stuff over and over to sad sacks like me. Please know that it is appreciated, it does help and I know you speak the truth.

Who cares if she's angry with you? Dude, this chick has drug you face-first through the mud and you are still cowtowing to her. Don't you get sick of this? You know it's hurting you, so stop answering. Honestly, it's really that simple. You just have to nut up and do it.

September 18, 2014

Who cares if she's angry with you? Dude, this chick has drug you face-first through the mud and you are still cowtowing to her. Don't you get sick of this? You know it's hurting you, so stop answering. Honestly, it's really that simple. You just have to nut up and do it.

Hello and thanks again.

This is something I was afraid to admit on these boards for a long time, but I feel like I need to come clean about it if only to say it to someone. I know my ex was not an easy person to deal with for so many reasons, I know I wasn't happy with her for a long time. Every time I think positively about this and feel good about the BU I am weighted down by this reality:

I have HSVII and am almost certain my ex knowingly gave it to me, when I first exhibited symptoms shortly after our first time together, I told her. She told me that her ex boyfriend had it, but she got tested as negative, and that I should go get tested but she wasn't going to leave me. While I was figuring out where to get tested, and waiting for results. She encouraged me to have sex without a condom, stating that she loves me and we are going to be together forever so she'll get it at some point anyway. I refused every time and didn't even want to have sex at all but allowed it to happen with a condom. Sure enough, my test results came back positive. I called her, she was fine with it. Then I asked her to get tested. While we were waiting the same thing happened almost everytime we had sex, "lets just do it without a condom, it doesn't matter since i will get it anyway" I again refused. (She would get mad that I refused, taking it as a sign that I wasn't committed to her forever). Her test came back positive (I never saw the results though), and we went about our merry way agreeing never to talk about it or blame one another.

But the thing is that this is a person who won't sleep with her cell phone on her nightstand for fear of getting brain cancer. I simply don't believe she would be so cavalier about this risk when we were first together. My antibody count was also very low, indicating a recent infection. Her giving me this is the only thing that makes sense, her knowing she was giving it to me is also the only thing that makes sense. My therapist said it's nearly certain.

I read on these boards about people saying no way they would date someone with it, and it just crushes me, prevents me from moving forward and sticks me in the rut of "i'f I'd only done x maybe she would still be here and I would be unhappy but not alone"

I am also angry, angry that she did this to me, and even more angry that I have a conscience and will tell potential partners first, while she will run the same game on the next guy and not only spread it further, but not suffer rejection. She will win by doing the wrong thing, and basically not suffer at all.

I have contemplated calling her ex boyfriend to confirm she knew, and press charges. Or opening a web site announcing it to the world. Just so angry. My 1 close friend who knows about has advised strongly against either of these things. But it is so hard to deal with the idea of her living her life unencumbered by this, while I feel so hopeless.

Anyway, this feeling of hopelessness and being defective is a major roadblock in moving forward. I've been through BU's before, I typically rebound well, but anytime i get that old me feeling back and think about meeting a new girl, my new reality as the owner of an STD just crushes my hope and leads to me mentally retreating into pining for my ex. I never had to deal with the emotional repercussions of this diagnosis until now, dealign with the BU on top of it is just too much to handle

Edited September 18, 2014 by tim_tom

September 18, 2014

It sucks that she gave that to you, but you aren't the only person in the world suffering from it. There are plenty of people with STDs in the world, it's not a death sentence or a celibacy sentence, and it's certainly not an excuse to keep this person in your life. If anything, that should strengthen your resolve to be rid of her.

I would seek out support groups for it and perhaps get counseling that way. It sucks, but it's not an excuse to continue your toxic behavior pattern. Don't nuke your ex, just move forward and deal with your own issues without her. And you are a father of children, so rededicate your focus there. Work on continuing to be a good father. An STD won't stop you from being that.

September 19, 2014

Yes, Simon is right. Doesn't minimize how you are feeling tho...the anger. Makes complete sense why you are pissed and having a hard time letting go. She "left" you with something...SO understandable!

I know it's not the healthiest thing, but for now, maybe you do need to focus on that anger, and all the negative she brought to you...to help you move forward? Instead of reminiscing about good times...Just remember how she treated you, the nasty things she said about your dog! (so so awful!)...Not nice at all. Sure it was coming from a place of jealousy or insecurity on her part, re: the ex wife, but still... Those are not loving actions. All I know is it's very very difficult to date, be with someone with ex spouse, kids, baggage, etc. Not easy for anyone and takes two pretty mature people to weather the challenges that accompany that situation. No excuses for her at all! But it's something to think about next time around... I guess that is all we can take from these break ups. Learn from them, from OUR unhealthy choices, take responsibility for our decisions, being with these people, not walking away sooner, when we saw they were not so nice people! Not treating us with respect! We have that choice!

I hope you can see what she is doing...toying with your emotions, keeping you "hanging on". Very manipulative and immature. Let it go. Block her, just DO IT. It's so damn hard. I just did it a month ago. To this person who was my best friend. WAS my best friend, but is no longer. Hey, things change, people come and go from our lives. This is reality. Just bite the bullet and make that decision to BE DONE. For good. F it. Just do it! Trust me, it will hurt, you will feel guilty at first. But then you will feel empowered - that you took the power back and now she can't keep yo-yoing you around. Do you deserve that? Look at the situation as a third person - or pretend that was someone doing that to a friend of yours - what would you tell them to do???

Get a new perspective! It's your choice really. We really are our own worse enemies, cause most of this suffering! It doesn't have to be like that!

Once you go NC, it will become easier day by day! Trust in that! Stay strong! Man up! F her. It's broken. It's done. She's not the same person from way back when... you found out who she really is, how she treats people. Do you think that's going to change any time soon? That you can change her? NO. We can only change ourselves, and change situations we are in. You have the control - take it back. :-)

Don't keep cutting yourself, trying to piece together something that is broken... Some things are meant to stay broken. Just the way it is...

Do what is best for YOU. You owe her NOTHING. She has lost that right. Respect, friendship is earned - not just given or expected.

September 19, 2014

One more update:

She texted me today asking to see my kids. That she misses them and wants to be part of their life somehow...

This is someone that left a week before my daughters 10th birthday, after filling her head with how awesome they were going to make it together.

I have been on these boards long enough to know that this was a guilt dump on her part. She knew I'd say no and really had no interest in seeing them (she got caught trying to run away from daughters line of site a few days ago when getting her stuff), but now gets the satisfaction/self righteousness to say "hey, i tried to do the right thing but that jerk wouldn't let me"

It really sucks, and was really devious. Just like everything else she has been doing. I get the sense that she is taking pleasure from jerking me around. She is so cold and uncaring about everything I and the children are going through, it's actually shocking.

September 19, 2014

Yes, Simon is right. Doesn't minimize how you are feeling tho...the anger. Makes complete sense why you are pissed and having a hard time letting go. She "left" you with something...SO understandable!

I know it's not the healthiest thing, but for now, maybe you do need to focus on that anger, and all the negative she brought to you...to help you move forward? Instead of reminiscing about good times...Just remember how she treated you, the nasty things she said about your dog! (so so awful!)...Not nice at all. Sure it was coming from a place of jealousy or insecurity on her part, re: the ex wife, but still... Those are not loving actions. All I know is it's very very difficult to date, be with someone with ex spouse, kids, baggage, etc. Not easy for anyone and takes two pretty mature people to weather the challenges that accompany that situation. No excuses for her at all! But it's something to think about next time around...

Yeah, I know it. She walked in with eyes opened. And honestly, a lot of the trouble people seem to have is the kids rejecting the new adult in their life. My kids loved her to death, and wanted to be just like her. Their mother was MIA when they were young, so I guess they are looking for that.

And me and my ex aren't friendly, she doesn't come in the house we don't chat.

Not to minimize it, because I agree, it's a lot of baggage. She pursued me though.

Also, just to color the situation. I make pretty good money and was able to support her completely. I know it's not eveything, but being well off and having financial means to do most things you want (as well as not work), minimizes some of the baggage.. Maybe I'm wrong though

I guess that is all we can take from these break ups. Learn from them, from OUR unhealthy choices, take responsibility for our decisions, being with these people, not walking away sooner, when we saw they were not so nice people! Not treating us with respect! We have that choice!

I hope you can see what she is doing...toying with your emotions, keeping you "hanging on". Very manipulative and immature. Let it go. Block her, just DO IT. It's so damn hard. I just did it a month ago. To this person who was my best friend. WAS my best friend, but is no longer. Hey, things change, people come and go from our lives. This is reality. Just bite the bullet and make that decision to BE DONE. For good. F it. Just do it! Trust me, it will hurt, you will feel guilty at first. But then you will feel empowered - that you took the power back and now she can't keep yo-yoing you around. Do you deserve that? Look at the situation as a third person - or pretend that was someone doing that to a friend of yours - what would you tell them to do???
Get a new perspective! It's your choice really. We really are our own worse enemies, cause most of this suffering! It doesn't have to be like that!

Everything you say is 100% true, I finally asked her this afternoon not to contact me anymore. That is was preventing me from moving on, she got annoyed by it but w/e

Once you go NC, it will become easier day by day! Trust in that! Stay strong! Man up! F her. It's broken. It's done. She's not the same person from way back when... you found out who she really is, how she treats people. Do you think that's going to change any time soon? That you can change her? NO. We can only change ourselves, and change situations we are in. You have the control - take it back. :-)

Don't keep cutting yourself, trying to piece together something that is broken... Some things are meant to stay broken. Just the way it is...
Do what is best for YOU. You owe her NOTHING. She has lost that right. Respect, friendship is earned - not just given or expected.

Yes, I did 16 days NC (ignored about 6 attempts), and then another 8 (ignored about 25 attempts). It seems like when I break NC, I do it dramatically

And thank you for taking the time to respond. This is the lowest I've ever been in my life, I told her that, and she still jerks me around, I think she takes pleasure in it.. And I was only ever good to her, never raised my voice, spent so much money on things she wanted, supported her, loved her, let her walk all over me. I guess she is punishing me for ignoring her, really fits with the behavior during the relationship.. so I shouldn't be surprised.

September 19, 2014

She sounds like a real peach.

Don't give her the satisfaction.

September 19, 2014

It sucks that she gave that to you, but you aren't the only person in the world suffering from it. There are plenty of people with STDs in the world, it's not a death sentence or a celibacy sentence, and it's certainly not an excuse to keep this person in your life. If anything, that should strengthen your resolve to be rid of her.

I would seek out support groups for it and perhaps get counseling that way. It sucks, but it's not an excuse to continue your toxic behavior pattern. Don't nuke your ex, just move forward and deal with your own issues without her. And you are a father of children, so rededicate your focus there. Work on continuing to be a good father. An STD won't stop you from being that.

Yeah I know.. it's just making moving on harder. I am very goal driven and focused on achieving it. My goal now is to move past this crap and close the chapter.

But I feel like I am in locked in a dark room with no doors, on one side of the room is a wall that represents pining to get her back, on the other is a wall representing moving on. Every time I feel good like I am making progress moving on, am happy about the breakup, I start to start to consider putting myself out there and facing potential rejection due to this, or even telling someone new about it, or worse yet.. giving it to someone else! I have a hard time even saying the word.

This results in me feeling too weak for the whole thing, and the next thing I know, I am back at that other wall trying to get out of this room.. I am pining for her, wishing i did things differently, beating myself up and generally depressed.

I noticed it last night on a conscious level , this pattern.. Feeling good about the BU, like I dodged a bullet, start thinking about my potential new brighter future, and I crash back into sadness, guilt and regret.

I think I just need to sit down, stop pushing on either wall and figure out how to deal with my situation. Hard to do when I am always trying to "fix" things

September 19, 2014

She sounds like a real peach.

Don't give her the satisfaction.

She's a real ahole for sure

September 19, 2014

Yeah, you need to fight the smaller battles first. You keep on looking at the big battle and then getting despondent when it seems hopeless. Of course it seems hopeless -- you are focusing on learning to fly a jumbo jet when you can barely ride your bike at this point. One step at a time. Don't worry about meeting anyone -- worry about getting past this person. Learn to be without her, and, more importantly, learn not to be so dependent on someone else for your happiness. Focus on yourself and making you better. Focus on your children. You don't need to jump from Level 1 to Level 15 right away -- that's a disaster waiting to happen.

It's a process -- a process where you have to take every step. No more rushing through or skipping steps.

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Can someone remind me why it's not good to break NC when they contact you (Updated)

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