Can someone remind me why it's not good to break NC when they contact you (Updated)

[tim_tom]

Don't answer.

 

Seems rude, but I figure asking to meet up for lunch cause she's in my area is a clear "lets be friends" thing, something i told her i don't want. My only tick I'm feeling is that what if this is a first step towards a reconciliation? If my goal was to get back together, would no answer still be the right answer?

 

And thank you very much for sharing your wisdom, I've seen a lot of your posts on these boards

[Simon Phoenix]

Seems rude, but I figure asking to meet up for lunch cause she's in my area is a clear "lets be friends" thing, something i told her i don't want. My only tick I'm feeling is that what if this is a first step towards a reconciliation? If my goal was to get back together, would no answer still be the right answer?

 

And thank you very much for sharing your wisdom, I've seen a lot of your posts on these boards

 

Yes, it would be the right answer. It would make her take you seriously instead of being able to easily pitch you in the friend zone. It might make her think more about how she actually sees you and might make her come correct and put herself out there -- which is her job because she's the one who broke the relationship. You break it, you fix it.

 

But this isn't a "first step" toward reconciliation if you take her up on it, or even if you politely decline. It's a first step toward the friend zone. She thinks "oh good, he's cool with being my buddy!" and that's exactly what you'll be. But if you don't answer, she might be like "What's he up to?" "Who's he with?" "Maybe I really did f--k up?".

 

Or she might just take the hint and fade away. But if she does that, then you know for a fact that she was just trying to friendzone you or relieve guilt. Because if it's anything more, you not answering her breadcrumb isn't going to stop her. And what is more rude -- you not answering a breadcrumb or her breaking up with you and breaking your heart?

 

So yeah, there's no upside toward meeting her right now and there's not much upside to communicating with her. She needs to earn the right to have communication with you and she hasn't. And you shouldn't communicate with her unless a) she comes correct and tells you that she made a mistake and wants to try again or b) you honestly couldn't care less about having a relationship with her. You aren't close to b) yet, which is fine.

[tim_tom]

Yes, it would be the right answer. It would make her take you seriously instead of being able to easily pitch you in the friend zone. It might make her think more about how she actually sees you and might make her come correct and put herself out there -- which is her job because she's the one who broke the relationship. You break it, you fix it.

 

But this isn't a "first step" toward reconciliation if you take her up on it, or even if you politely decline. It's a first step toward the friend zone. She thinks "oh good, he's cool with being my buddy!" and that's exactly what you'll be. But if you don't answer, she might be like "What's he up to?" "Who's he with?" "Maybe I really did f--k up?".

 

Or she might just take the hint and fade away. But if she does that, then you know for a fact that she was just trying to friendzone you or relieve guilt. Because if it's anything more, you not answering her breadcrumb isn't going to stop her. And what is more rude -- you not answering a breadcrumb or her breaking up with you and breaking your heart?

 

So yeah, there's no upside toward meeting her right now and there's not much upside to communicating with her. She needs to earn the right to have communication with you and she hasn't. And you shouldn't communicate with her unless a) she comes correct and tells you that she made a mistake and wants to try again or b) you honestly couldn't care less about having a relationship with her. You aren't close to b) yet, which is fine.

 

 

Wow! Thank you Thank you Thank you!

 

Awesome advice and just what I needed to hear. I am indebted to you.

 

I'm not even sure I want her back, but either way, this is the right move and I am convinced of it now. Truly, thank you.

[Ordinaryday]

because often dumpers feel some kind of guilt about ending the relationship and breaking the dumpees heart so they contact the dumpee with a breadcrumb designed to ease their guilt, and not out of any genuine concern regarding the dumpees wellbeing.

 

and if you respond back politely their guilt will be gone as they will be able to tell themselves that things are "okay" between the two of you and you will never ever hear from them again.

[Missy0724]

And if she wanted to reconcile, she would have said in her text, "let's meet for lunch, because I really want to talk to you, it's important..." or something like that, to give you some kind of idea that she DOES want to reconcile or is considering it, wants to see how you feel about it. If she's a mature adult, and really wants that.

 

If someone wants you, they will SAY it, make it clear.

 

My ex just did this to me, "let's be friends". I have recently realized it was to ease his guilt, or to be able to have that label, "me and my ex are friends!" to show other people, his ex, etc. that Wow, he must be a great guy, because we were able to be friends, I wanted to still be friends, after he dumped me.

 

I was fooled for about a month, then after some LC, saw the light, in the way he responded to my emails, asking him about how the friendship was going to work... Yeah sucked, but got my answers... And cut him off two days ago.

 

Told him, Nope, not interested. Do not ever contact me again, and I will do the same. It's dead to me. All of it. Was harsh perhaps, but tough ****.

 

He broke up with me, it's OVER. Move on... Don't settle. Would just being "friends" with her make you happy? You ok talking about, hearing about other guys she dating, all her stories, what's going on her life? Get honest and ask yourself these hard questions... Do what is best for YOU. Or flat out ask her, like I did my ex, "How is this friendship going to work, that's all you want, right?" And if you can truly do that, some people can... Try it. But that's pretty rare, unless break up was mutual. When one person done, and the other is not, still has hope, romantic feelings...NEVER TO WORK. Just reality... And the sooner we realize this and race reality...better for US. Or this person who broke our heart, will still have power, control over us and our feelings. F that. Take back our power... They do not deserve it. Unless they truly show with ACTIONS that they made a mistake, want us back... And if so, they will TELL US. Is she? Has she?

 

Good luck.

[tim_tom]

And if she wanted to reconcile, she would have said in her text, "let's meet for lunch, because I really want to talk to you, it's important..." or something like that, to give you some kind of idea that she DOES want to reconcile or is considering it, wants to see how you feel about it. If she's a mature adult, and really wants that.

 

If someone wants you, they will SAY it, make it clear.

 

My ex just did this to me, "let's be friends". I have recently realized it was to ease his guilt, or to be able to have that label, "me and my ex are friends!" to show other people, his ex, etc. that Wow, he must be a great guy, because we were able to be friends, I wanted to still be friends, after he dumped me.

 

I was fooled for about a month, then after some LC, saw the light, in the way he responded to my emails, asking him about how the friendship was going to work... Yeah sucked, but got my answers... And cut him off two days ago.

 

Told him, Nope, not interested. Do not ever contact me again, and I will do the same. It's dead to me. All of it. Was harsh perhaps, but tough ****.

 

He broke up with me, it's OVER. Move on... Don't settle. Would just being "friends" with her make you happy? You ok talking about, hearing about other guys she dating, all her stories, what's going on her life? Get honest and ask yourself these hard questions... Do what is best for YOU. Or flat out ask her, like I did my ex, "How is this friendship going to work, that's all you want, right?" And if you can truly do that, some people can... Try it. But that's pretty rare, unless break up was mutual. When one person done, and the other is not, still has hope, romantic feelings...NEVER TO WORK. Just reality... And the sooner we realize this and race reality...better for US. Or this person who broke our heart, will still have power, control over us and our feelings. F that. Take back our power... They do not deserve it. Unless they truly show with ACTIONS that they made a mistake, want us back... And if so, they will TELL US. Is she? Has she?

 

Good luck.

 

Thank you for taking the time to respond and help. It is really nice to know that all you folks out there care about other people and want to help.

 

I agree completely. No way I am doing the friend thing

[tim_tom]

Update:

 

She texted me again tonight, saying how hard this was on her and asked that I please don't ignore her.

 

I sent a text basically saying:

 

You ran away from an 18 month relationship at the first minor rough patch, you threw me and the life we were building together without a second thought, and gave us no chance to work on it.

 

She replied that she just can't handle my kids, they are wonderful kids but she is not ready for that (would've been nice to know that a long time ago!)

 

At that I stopped responding...

 

Then, about 20 minutes later another deluge of texts, this time blaming me.

 

I got baited into responding again and basically acknowledged some issues, (I took a high profile job at her encouragement because the extra money would be good for our future, even though I was leery) and again reiterated that we could've worked it out if she gave us a chance

 

She responded angrily.. "It's the kids!! What don't you get!"

 

and I didn't respond..

 

 

Back to square one... and I guess she got out of it that she could still yank my chain...so dumb, but i got closure at least

[Missy0724]

I'm sorry! But just hear her words..."It's the kids". She is telling you!

 

If she cannot and does not want to deal with kids, your kids, that should be enough to say ENOUGH. Time to stop. It's really hard to hear that person you love, are still connected to at this point emotionally. It's like we have plugs in our ears, or denial. Because just cannot hear them at this point...bc we still want it to work SO BADLY.

 

Please listen to her, and go NC. :-( It sucks, believe me. I just cut off ties with my ex completely the other day. Forever. I can't do it anymore, the back and forth, trying to be "friends" or whatever the hell we were trying to "be" after he broke up with me. I just didn't want to let go.

 

But we have to. For YOU, and for her. It is a gift you need to give yourself, her, and your kids. If she doesn't want to deal with kids - you can't force that! She wouldn't be happy? Is that what you want? Obviously she doesn't want to be with you, because the kids come with the package deal, and it's too much for her to deal with. If she doesn't have kids, I totally get it. If she stayed with you, just out of obligation or felt guilty, didn't want to hurt kids, or you, she would resent you, things would get worse and worse as time went by. It's good it ended now, vs later. Especially for your kids!!!

 

Try to remember that, OK?

 

Good luck! Think of your kids! They come first, over any other person, or woman!

[sly_fly1]

because, they just want to know that you are still there, its when they miss you they contact you, my gf did it for 6 - 8 months before i finally got her back. my ex ex gf did it for 3 years, and it turned into harassment instead of bread crumbs. if i were you, i would cut her out, cut your non close friends out. learn how to be alone. find a hobby, a good one while your alone is either drawing or writing. work out at home. and when your more confident, go to the gym.

 

 

when your ready, you can let her contact you. but you dont need to contact her. why would you, you cant fix someone elses mistakes, its not part of the break up code.

[tim_tom]

I'm sorry! But just hear her words..."It's the kids". She is telling you!

 

If she cannot and does not want to deal with kids, your kids, that should be enough to say ENOUGH. Time to stop. It's really hard to hear that person you love, are still connected to at this point emotionally. It's like we have plugs in our ears, or denial. Because just cannot hear them at this point...bc we still want it to work SO BADLY.

 

Please listen to her, and go NC. :-( It sucks, believe me. I just cut off ties with my ex completely the other day. Forever. I can't do it anymore, the back and forth, trying to be "friends" or whatever the hell we were trying to "be" after he broke up with me. I just didn't want to let go.

 

But we have to. For YOU, and for her. It is a gift you need to give yourself, her, and your kids. If she doesn't want to deal with kids - you can't force that! She wouldn't be happy? Is that what you want? Obviously she doesn't want to be with you, because the kids come with the package deal, and it's too much for her to deal with. If she doesn't have kids, I totally get it. If she stayed with you, just out of obligation or felt guilty, didn't want to hurt kids, or you, she would resent you, things would get worse and worse as time went by. It's good it ended now, vs later. Especially for your kids!!!

 

Try to remember that, OK?

 

Good luck! Think of your kids! They come first, over any other person, or woman!

 

Yes, I know, that's what I meant by closure. I should've never responded but at least it's crystal clear now.

 

Thank you again for your wisdom and your kind words.

[irresolute]

She is careless and selfish. Omg. Forget that rude and awful woman. She's not even a bitch.

Just reading what you wrote about her words make me feel uneasy. Ugh.

Please stop replying to that callous human being. For your kids. Please.

[Missy0724]

No, it's good you responded! Because you got your answer! It's case by case...some people don't contact, some have LC. There is no "right" or "wrong". Have to do what is right for YOU, to get your closure. I did the same. Things happen for a reason. Everyone needs to find closure the way that works for them. I'm glad you have closure. That is all that matters. Not how you got it.

:-) Best of luck!!! Never easy! But in time, you will be alright! Keep that faith!

[tim_tom]

She is careless and selfish. Omg. Forget that rude and awful woman. She's not even a bitch.

Just reading what you wrote about her words make me feel uneasy. Ugh.

Please stop replying to that callous human being. For your kids. Please.

 

Yes you are absolutely right. It's hard to understand how she could go from telling them she's family and she loves them, and that we're getting married soon, to absolutely wanting nothing to do with them so quickly. She actually said "she hates that I have kids" two weeks ago, I thought it was just emotional and she didn't mean it. But, the truth is that it was just evidence of the coldness.

 

She actually left a week before my daughters 10th birthday party, the week before they were making party plans together.. menu, decorations, gift bags. My daughter couldn't understand why she at least couldn't come or wish her a happy birthday.. wondering why didn't she care...

 

All just makes me feel like a crappy parent, which on top of the break up, gets overwhelming.

 

And thank you for taking the time to respond and provide support, these forums and you folks.. all have helped so much in my processing of this. I am not sure where I would be without being able to come here multiple times per day, and read others experiences as well as share my own. I intend to give back to new folks as much as I can, it's really an amazing community.

Edited September 6, 2014 by tim_tom

[tim_tom]

No, it's good you responded! Because you got your answer! It's case by case...some people don't contact, some have LC. There is no "right" or "wrong". Have to do what is right for YOU, to get your closure. I did the same. Things happen for a reason. Everyone needs to find closure the way that works for them. I'm glad you have closure. That is all that matters. Not how you got it.

:-) Best of luck!!! Never easy! But in time, you will be alright! Keep that faith!

 

 

Yes I agree. I was already leaning strongly towards not taking her back (if offered), but that really cements it. The more callous she acts, the easier it is to see that this is a good thing. I no longer regret responding.

[tim_tom]

Just another small update:

 

After her last angry message that it's the kids and why can't I get that. I didn't respond

 

A couple hours later i get a text message "and now you are ignoring me again"

 

I really don't understand what she expects or wants from me? Maybe it's for me to chase after her? Try and talk her out of it? To accept all blame for the breakup? She was pretty controlling/jealous during the relationship, another friend is telling me she is looking to control the breakup and my perception of it. Maybe keep me preoccupied with her until she finds somebody new. I really don't know, but I am beginning to feel like she has a screw loose.

[ThorntonMelon]

Time to block her number.

 

Yes she is unbalanced. No one tells a parent they've dated that long that they just realized there were kids involved.

 

My guess is she's got something on the side, is using the kids, and trying to assuage her guilt by getting you to see it as friends.

[BC1980]

Yes, I know, that's what I meant by closure. I should've never responded but at least it's crystal clear now.

 

Thank you again for your wisdom and your kind words.

 

She basically wanted to see if she still had the power to make you respond, and she got her wish. She wanted to get the last word in and lay the blame at the feet of your children. I don't think you should have responded, and it probably won't make you feel any better in the long run. I know it's difficult, but it's very short sighted to respond to an instigating text like the one she sent you. I would block her for sure.

[tim_tom]

Time to block her number.

 

Yes she is unbalanced. No one tells a parent they've dated that long that they just realized there were kids involved.

 

My guess is she's got something on the side, is using the kids, and trying to assuage her guilt by getting you to see it as friends.

 

Thanks for the response! I can't block her unfortunately cause she still has furniture, books and clothes at my house. I wish I could, and it's too much to pack up and ship out unfortunately.. unless i was willing to pay a couple grand (she lives 2 hours away at her folks house now)

[tim_tom]

She basically wanted to see if she still had the power to make you respond, and she got her wish. She wanted to get the last word in and lay the blame at the feet of your children. I don't think you should have responded, and it probably won't make you feel any better in the long run. I know it's difficult, but it's very short sighted to respond to an instigating text like the one she sent you. I would block her for sure.

 

 

Yeah, I know it. I should've logged on here first. NC was working so well too.

 

But.. I have to admit that I actually feel a bit better since this last exchange. You don't like my kids so much, then it's an automatic dealbreaker. Hurts that she feels that way, but no more wishing I had her back.

 

I appreciate the time you took to offer advice

[tim_tom]

My therapist strongly recommended that I do this firmly, to take back control of myself, but I can't bring myself to do it. I don't think it's about finality, but, maybe cutting off that one last tie is too much to handle. (it's been a month and she has not gotten her things). I am leaning though towards thinking it's because I don't want to make her mad at me .. she still seems to have that power over me

 

It's actually funny .. towards the end of the relationship I've realized my primary goal was not to displease her rather then to please her, ie just don't do anything to piss her off rather then do things to make her happy as I once did. Really think when this shift started occurring it was the begginning of the end., Another topic though

 

Has anyone else had trouble doing something like this? I just can't find the strength to do it and I'm not sure why . I am told to finally stand up for myself and I just can't .. ugh

[Jules Dash]

You're thinking about it too much. Don't think anymore. Just do it.

[Chi townD]

Here comes the 2x4. Dude, suck it up! Go get a couple of boxes and box all of her sh*t up. Call her folks or brother or sister or even her best friend and arrange to drop it off with them. Don't ask them, tell them that you're doing this, " Hey! Hi! this is Tim Tom and I got some of the devil ladies stuff. I'm in the area and I was wondering if I could drop it off with you." Then, go home and re-decorate the place. Move furniture around. Make it look like a new place. This will help to erase the memory of her being there. Trust me, it helps.

Edited September 10, 2014 by Chi townD

[Zzyxx]

I think this is totally normal for a lot of us in this stage. At least for me, when my ex was sending me angry text messages because I took the last of the computer paper after I moved out (which I paid for and she barely ever printed anything so I didn't think she'd mind) I totally reacted like you feel. I explained myself instead of just ignoring her, which I guess I should have done instead of engaging with her. But like you, even though I know she dumped me and has no desire whatsoever to get back together, I still thought that maybe if I played nice she'd feel more regret or loss, which rationally I know is dumb because she's totally over me already. I think it just happens in the earlier stages. I think though your therapist has a point. After the paper conversation and me being pleasant to my ex she deleted me off fbook, which just proves it doesn't really matter in the end. Just contact a mutual friend or something and spread the message, then do what you have to do.

[all4best]

My ex left a month ago and I've been walking around her stuff ever since (lots) throughout the house and also stacked by the front and back doors. When I would text her to ask when she would send vague replies (maybe Thursday, I'm busy with work). When I would tell her she needed to make a plan and at least communicate something I would get angry responses. People told me to box up her stuff and move it somewhere else or put it in storage but that just seemed mean to me. The relationship was bad for a while and I know it was just about her not seeing it as any kind of priority--not to mention that she is just immature and inconsiderate.

 

So, today she is supposed to be getting the rest of her things, as we speak, while I'm at work and leaving the keys, we'll see if that happens. The funny thing is that I feel sick and anxious about it. We have had NC other than me trying to get her move her stuff and I guess it's just the reality of the end of it all hitting me. And I feel ya when you talk about not wanting to make her mad. I've lived like that for a while and I was told to just treat it as a business transaction. She's not coming back, it's all over, and whether I make her mad or not shouldn't be my concern.

 

And I've been waiting to rearrange the house until she had all of her stuff out (sounds like a good idea) and hopefully I'll be able to get started on that tonight.

 

 

I wish you the best. Do what you need to take care of yourself and don't be a doormat in the process. This was the first woman I lived with in 6 years and this whole thing sucks. TAKE BACK THE POWER!!!

[Zahara]

I don't think it's about finality, but, maybe cutting off that one last tie is too much to handle. (it's been a month and she has not gotten her things). I am leaning though towards thinking it's because I don't want to make her mad at me .. she still seems to have that power over me

 

But it is finality. People hold on to "stuff" because that's an excuse to have a little door open. Closing that door signifies finality. I don't think it's about making her mad but using those belongings as a possibility for contact and maybe contact may help turn things around.

 

Has anyone else had trouble doing something like this? I just can't find the strength to do it and I'm not sure why . I am told to finally stand up for myself and I just can't .. ugh

 

It's because you're afraid of finality. That is the only thing you have right now that has ties to her. Severing that shuts the door. And if you are afraid of displeasing her, she certainly didn't care about hurting you. Find your balls and do it.