Author tim_tom Posted September 12, 2014 Author Share Posted September 12, 2014 1 month post BU.. mostly NC on my end except for 1 breakdown. She is coming on Saturday to get stuff. I was doing better until now. I am not sure how to handle this 1) I can pack up her stuff and leave outside. This feels like it makes me look weak and pathetic also makes me feel this way to be honest. Also feels crummy 2) I can pack up stuff and answer door politely and help her carry out stuff. My problem with this is I feel it's a no win situation, if she tries to talk I may give in leaving me feeling hopeful and then crappy when she doesn't text again or if she doesn't try and talk and just gets her stuff and goes I will feel worse ... ya know my confidence was shattered by this and having her be interested in me would help that 3) I can let her roam through house and get her stuff, almost assuring some small talk .. which would be better in the short term .. but not great for recovery In short ., I am in no way ready to see her, I don't have family near by to manage , I was doing very good in healing and am already set back and heading for worse no matter the outcome Link to post Share on other sites
Strength in Healing Posted September 12, 2014 Share Posted September 12, 2014 Personally I would have a friend of yours wait at the house to give her the stuff. Tell her in advance that you got caught off guard with plans that day that you have to do, but (friends name) will be there to give you your stuff. That's the best you can do brother. Or you can gather all her stuff and burn it. Then laugh. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Lani Posted September 12, 2014 Share Posted September 12, 2014 Leave her things outside for her, and go do something fun with your mates. No good can come of seeing her. Link to post Share on other sites
Author tim_tom Posted September 12, 2014 Author Share Posted September 12, 2014 Personally I would have a friend of yours wait at the house to give her the stuff. Tell her in advance that you got caught off guard with plans that day that you have to do, but (friends name) will be there to give you your stuff. That's the best you can do brother. Or you can gather all her stuff and burn it. Then laugh. hahah. Thank you! I feel like if it could've waited another couple of weeks I'd be ready. This week was my first therapy appt, and it's been leaps and bounds better then this past week. Like I am feeling my old confidence and self coming back for the first time since well before the BU. It's almost like she knew.. The text was all happy and friendly, not like the last one which was cold. MF'er Link to post Share on other sites
Author tim_tom Posted September 12, 2014 Author Share Posted September 12, 2014 Leave her things outside for her, and go do something fun with your mates. No good can come of seeing her. That would feel crappy, but it's tempting.. maybe I can make an excuse? Thanks for the response! Link to post Share on other sites
Lani Posted September 12, 2014 Share Posted September 12, 2014 That would feel crappy, but it's tempting.. maybe I can make an excuse? Thanks for the response! Why do you need to make an excuse? Tell her you can't see her so will leave her stuff outside as you won't be home. It may feel crappy, but seeing her will make you feel worse. You know that. Link to post Share on other sites
Author tim_tom Posted September 12, 2014 Author Share Posted September 12, 2014 Why do you need to make an excuse? Tell her you can't see her so will leave her stuff outside as you won't be home. It may feel crappy, but seeing her will make you feel worse. You know that. True.. But I don't want her to feel like she has that much power over me. ya know. Link to post Share on other sites
Lani Posted September 12, 2014 Share Posted September 12, 2014 True.. But I don't want her to feel like she has that much power over me. ya know. It's not about her or what she feels. It's about you and what you can and cannot handle. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author tim_tom Posted September 12, 2014 Author Share Posted September 12, 2014 It's not about her or what she feels. It's about you and what you can and cannot handle. Yeah, I guess that makes sense. I just abhor the idea of giving her an ego boost, cause she will think I am so lovesick I can't even see her... blah. Thanks for responding! Link to post Share on other sites
Author tim_tom Posted September 12, 2014 Author Share Posted September 12, 2014 Update Ex is on a full on meltdown due to NC, over phone, text and whatsapp. 20+ attempted contacts and i have not responded. Begging me to answer her, telling her I am making her suffer... how awful of me. Feeling bad and tempted to respond, should i stay NC? Link to post Share on other sites
Bella2 Posted September 12, 2014 Share Posted September 12, 2014 Long story short, BU was about 3 weeks ago. 2 weeks NC, and got a text today that just kind of coldy says "Hey, how are you" I know this is likely just a breadcrumb to allay her own guilt, but that little part of me thinks this is her just being her normal prideful self, attempting to open up communication in a way that limits her exposure. I am missing her more every day, and not a minute goes by that I don't think of her and want to be with her. I think I want to believe it's an attempt to reconnect and the urge to explore it is soo hard to handle right now? Am i deluding myself? I just learned the hard way. Fell for a bread crumb (was thinking it might be more that just a bread crumb), we started sending emails which led to nothing, basically I'm back to day 1. I know how hard it is, but seriously, as everybody keeps saying here, the NC is the way to go. (I'm restarting today) Link to post Share on other sites
frigginlost Posted September 12, 2014 Share Posted September 12, 2014 Update Ex is on a full on meltdown due to NC, over phone, text and whatsapp. 20+ attempted contacts and i have not responded. Begging me to answer her, telling her I am making her suffer... how awful of me. Feeling bad and tempted to respond, should i stay NC? She's feeding ducks at the pond... Stay NC. Sounds like reality is starting to set in. Let it. Wait for a text with substance if you feel you need to answer. By that, I mean is she worried about you're health etc?, and when/if you do answer, 2 word it: "I'm fine". If she flat out says "I blew it" or something along those lines, gradually open the communication back up... As a dumper, I "tested the waters" not by a stupid "hey" or " how is it going" or "I miss you" text, but by opening a convo based on something substantial. "I was thinking about you, hope you are well, and I just wanted to hear back that you are doing well....." etc. Link to post Share on other sites
Bella2 Posted September 12, 2014 Share Posted September 12, 2014 Update Ex is on a full on meltdown due to NC, over phone, text and whatsapp. 20+ attempted contacts and i have not responded. Begging me to answer her, telling her I am making her suffer... how awful of me. Feeling bad and tempted to respond, should i stay NC? Very impressed you haven't reacted. Very. Keep it up. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Missy0724 Posted September 12, 2014 Share Posted September 12, 2014 No one makes another person suffer. We make OURSELVES suffer... Leave her alone. Or the drama, back and forth with her will continue. If she came and got her stuff, it's done. You are NOT together. You guys are BROKEN up. That choice has been made. Is anyone saying, "I'm so so sorry, I made a mistake, I want us to fix things, I want us to be together, talk about, work thru our issues. Maybe go to counseling. I'm willing to do anything because what we had was amazing and I made a mistake! I want us to be together!" Any thing else she is saying is manipulative, selfish, hurtful and only about HER. You need to think of yourself and do what is best for YOU. You do not owe her ANYTHING. We don't owe anyone anything. We owe it to ourselves to be our own best advocate, love ourselves, put ourselves first, for a change. Who cares what she thinks? That's not your job anymore... She will be fine. She will survive. So will you. Close the door...pain and all. It will get better with total NC. Believe me. I went thru this back and forth. Once I chose to take back the power, do what best for ME, for once.... A weight off my shoulders and better recovery, moving forward. Only happened once I cut him out of my life and went NC. Blocked his numbers and email. No social media. Best thing I've done and damn proud of myself... :-) Hope you can do the same... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author tim_tom Posted September 12, 2014 Author Share Posted September 12, 2014 Stay NC. Sounds like reality is starting to set in. Let it. Wait for a text with substance if you feel you need to answer. By that, I mean is she worried about you're health etc?, and when/if you do answer, 2 word it: "I'm fine". . Yes, it's either that or she's freaking cause I am not doing what she wants me to do, she is used to that. Either way, it's about her, not me.. thank you for taking the time to respond! Link to post Share on other sites
Author tim_tom Posted September 12, 2014 Author Share Posted September 12, 2014 Very impressed you haven't reacted. Very. Keep it up. Thank you!! The weird thing is, this will be tougher later when she gives up and then I am questioning my decision Link to post Share on other sites
Author tim_tom Posted September 12, 2014 Author Share Posted September 12, 2014 No one makes another person suffer. We make OURSELVES suffer... Right? Mad at me for making her suffer for a couple of hours when I've been through hell for a month and am only beginning to feel better.. eff her And truly thank you for taking the time for such a well thought out response. I love this community Link to post Share on other sites
Bella2 Posted September 12, 2014 Share Posted September 12, 2014 I understand. But if she's reacting out of true love, and "it's meant to be"... She will let you know and not give up (even it that would mean in 1 year time). Now she's just panicking because she no longer has control over you. Keep It Up!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
johnson_j Posted September 12, 2014 Share Posted September 12, 2014 Thank you!! The weird thing is, this will be tougher later when she gives up and then I am questioning my decision That's the thing, you don't question your decision. I wish I had the power/balls to do what you did back in January, and things would likely be quite different now. Congrats and forward. Forget her, and as others have said, if it's a legitimate "lets make it work" give her 6+ months of NC so you both can remove the "rose colored glasses" and see the truth. Link to post Share on other sites
Priv Posted September 12, 2014 Share Posted September 12, 2014 Personally I would have a friend of yours wait at the house to give her the stuff. Tell her in advance that you got caught off guard with plans that day that you have to do, but (friends name) will be there to give you your stuff. That's the best you can do brother. Or you can gather all her stuff and burn it. Then laugh. Very good advice. Do let a friend/family handle it. If you don't want to put the stuff outside, put it in the hallway. Because, do you really want her in your house again in this situation? Also, her getting her stuff is a good thing. Like you, I had to wait a month before she got her stuff, a bit longer actually. Was killing me to look at it day in day out. Couldn't heal at all because of it. And it is probably not good for your kids either. Link to post Share on other sites
Author tim_tom Posted September 12, 2014 Author Share Posted September 12, 2014 Very good advice. Do let a friend/family handle it. If you don't want to put the stuff outside, put it in the hallway. Because, do you really want her in your house again in this situation? Also, her getting her stuff is a good thing. Like you, I had to wait a month before she got her stuff, a bit longer actually. Was killing me to look at it day in day out. Couldn't heal at all because of it. And it is probably not good for your kids either. Hey thanks! The meltdown this morning from her about a similar type plan that I suggested that pissed her off. I don't mind having the stuff around, I am doing ok lately tbh. Things like this morning just cement it, don't hear from her for weeks.. And then when I won't do something she wants, or don't respond.. it's like the good old days where my phone blows up.. it's about control and she always controlled me.. and throwing i miss you's and sarcastic/jerky remarks about me making her suffer is just too over the top. Unbelievable that she is mad at me for making her suffer this morning when my initial pleading was coldly ignored. It would be one thing if there was an attempt to work on our issues together, atleast try, but to go from ring shopping to "i am out and there is nothing you can do or say about it" in less then a weeks time is BS Link to post Share on other sites
Author tim_tom Posted September 12, 2014 Author Share Posted September 12, 2014 That's the thing, you don't question your decision. I wish I had the power/balls to do what you did back in January, and things would likely be quite different now. Congrats and forward. Forget her, and as others have said, if it's a legitimate "lets make it work" give her 6+ months of NC so you both can remove the "rose colored glasses" and see the truth. I am questioning it now But I know it was the right thing, it feels kind of like being a dick.. but I'm also annoyed that she thinks I'm doing it to make her suffer.. Why is it always about her, couldn't I be doing it for me? Does she ever consider that? Link to post Share on other sites
Mittens Posted September 12, 2014 Share Posted September 12, 2014 Nope. They just plain don't. It's always all about them. I wouldn't give a flying **** about what she thinks. She can think what she likes. Like Missy said, no one 'makes' another feel anything, we are always in control of how we feel....it's just hard to put that into practice sometimes. Sod her. Link to post Share on other sites
lauri Posted September 12, 2014 Share Posted September 12, 2014 Does she even think of how much you will suffer if you talk to her? She's selfish and trying to manipulate you. If she TRULY cared about you, and I mean TRULY, she would say to you "Tim_Tom, I'm sorry you are hurting. I'm going to leave you alone, this isn't easy for me but I respect your decision and if you're ever ready to talk to me in the future I'll be here." Instead, she is doing the opposite. She is making it seem like she is the victim and you are doing things to her, to hurt her. What the hell does she expect? She broke up with you. You aren't being a dick. You're standing up for your self and doing what is best for you, and you are no longer doing something for someone who doesn't care for you or even respect you enough to let you fully heal and move on. She just wants you to mourn over her and care...as soon as she sees that she'll get an ego boost and will disappear faster than you will even realize. Link to post Share on other sites
Author tim_tom Posted September 13, 2014 Author Share Posted September 13, 2014 (edited) Does she even think of how much you will suffer if you talk to her? She's selfish and trying to manipulate you. If she TRULY cared about you, and I mean TRULY, she would say to you "Tim_Tom, I'm sorry you are hurting. I'm going to leave you alone, this isn't easy for me but I respect your decision and if you're ever ready to talk to me in the future I'll be here." Instead, she is doing the opposite. She is making it seem like she is the victim and you are doing things to her, to hurt her. What the hell does she expect? She broke up with you. You aren't being a dick. You're standing up for your self and doing what is best for you, and you are no longer doing something for someone who doesn't care for you or even respect you enough to let you fully heal and move on. She just wants you to mourn over her and care...as soon as she sees that she'll get an ego boost and will disappear faster than you will even realize. yep, already fell for that 3 weeks ago. text and phone bombing me.. I give in and answer after third call and 3 texts... She's crying, misses me, doesn't want to lose me.. I reassure her, compliment her, support her... She tells me she will text me tomorrow... and then nothing for 15 days (that was our longest bit of no contact, and was a little over a week ago) Seems like she needs to check in every once in awhile to make sure I am still under her spell. I am not, and I am not going pretend to be so she can get over whatever it is she's feeling. And as you said, to turn it around on me, and get mad at me is unbelievably jerky. 1) This was her decision and one she wouldn't even give an inch on 4 weeks ago, despite us living together for 1 year, ring shopping, house hunting..etc.. 2) She's interpreting this as she usually did, completely selfish. I can't be doing this FOR me.. I am doing this TO her, to hurt her back. Very typical of what I had come to expect. Tbh, all this has does is shone a light on what I was ignoring, and made me feel better. Who needs someone so self centered in their life? As always, thank you very much for responding and offering support Edited September 13, 2014 by tim_tom Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts