I hit my fiance in self-defence - how can I get her back?

[Hollywood-Tourist]

Why are we talking about animal control?

 

Because she is depriving her puppy dog of water, food & exercise whilst also taking her frustrations out on him by dragging him by the lead if he stops for a pee or to catch his breath on a walk.

[lollipopspot]

Because she is depriving her puppy dog of water, food & exercise whilst also taking her frustrations out on him by dragging him by the lead if he stops for a pee or to catch his breath on a walk.

 

Yeah, you can definitely call RSPCA about that and they may help.

[ThorntonMelon]

Sorry - I didn't word my question right. Does anyone else think this story is insane? This animal thing just came up like 5 pages in? When he started the story he said the relationship was perfect till the choking, now she's an animal abuser?

 

I think we're being taken for a ride.

 

From the First posting -

 

This was the first time we have ever had a physical confrontation or even argument in the 2yrs we've been together (it has always been a honest, loyal & happy relationship.)

[Hollywood-Tourist]

This animal thing just came up like 5 pages in? When he started the story he said the relationship was perfect till the choking, now she's an animal abuser?

 

 

You're the troll here I reckon.

 

 

You are effectively hijacking a perfectly reasonable thread where discussions are on-going with your sh*tty answers.

 

 

I mentioned about the dog later on because someone asked if she had ever been violent before either to me or anyone else.

[todreaminblue]

Sorry - I didn't word my question right. Does anyone else think this story is insane? This animal thing just came up like 5 pages in? When he started the story he said the relationship was perfect till the choking, now she's an animal abuser?

 

I think we're being taken for a ride.

 

 

maybe we are....maybe we are not....but on here my rule of thumb is to believe someone who takes the effort to type a post is seeking genuinely for someone to listen...and answer accordingly.....i know there are trolls..i often get paranoid.......but there is no proof op is one.....and this is meant to be a caring community that people are able to reach out and offer advice or comfort or just an ear to listen.......there are far few trolls compared to posters...so ....take a post as is......deb

[todreaminblue]

You're the troll here I reckon.

 

 

You are effectively hijacking a perfectly reasonable thread where discussions are on-going with your sh*tty answers.

 

 

I mentioned about the dog later on because someone asked if she had ever been violent before either to me or anyone else.

 

 

ignore the advice that doesnt help you op....but dont start back lashing it isnt congruent with you getting more help..it will hijack the thread.......please can you answer my post on what redeeming features and traits your gf and your relationship has......deb

[lauri]

My concern here is also that this girl seems crazy and evil enough to lie to the police in the future about you. This could lead to you ending up in jail / a lot of trouble.

 

One of my cousins, an amazing guy, married this girl who he had a lot of issues with. He never told us she used to hit him...

 

One day, they were driving in a car together. She told him that she wanted to see other men while she was with him...he flat out told her no. As he was driving, she took ripped out the rear view mirror and hit it over his head. He got concussed and almost crashed his car. The next day, she called the police and he ended up getting arrest saying he "Abuses her". He tried to argue that she hit him, showing marks, but she claimed it was in self-defense. My family, considerably poor at the time because we just immigrated to Canada, ended up having to bail him out.

 

My cousin thought his life was over. The girl left him with another guy and gave him a criminal record (which was later erased due to evidence against her). He kind of reminds me a bit of you how he was after it was all said and done. Eventually, after much help and support from my family, he was able to regain his strength and become strong again. His ex wife ended up coming back to him eventually wanting him back, but we stopped him from even considering it. He is now married to an amazing woman and has twin daughters, doing amazing career wise and has a strong relationship with our family. What more can he ask for?

 

OP, my question to you is, which pathway would you prefer? The one where you walk away now? Or the one where you learn the hard way and go through all the bs because she says "she loves you", which are just words?

Edited September 2, 2014 by lauri

[Hollywood-Tourist]

tell me her redeeming traits please....the reasons why you love her..why you wish to stay with a woman who is spiteful mean aggressive angry and vindictive..a woman who will not change because she actually loves you.

 

 

Her traits are:

 

 

Good

Caring

Kind

Loyal

Fun

Patient

Loving

 

 

Bad

Dishonest

Violent

Vindictive

Cold

Remorseless

Calculating

 

 

I wish to stay with her because I can see a 'vulnerable' side to her when it's just the two of us alone & that makes me protective of her & because I deeply care for her & love her so very much.

 

 

Do you think she loves me?

[Carpe-diem]

DF,

 

When I said she can beat the crap out of you, no shame was intended. I didn't mean you are a wimp and she is stronger than you. I meant she seems to think she is allowed to lash out at you. The only shame should be on her.

 

Whilst this is the first time she has attacked you, she has form so her behaviour hasn't changed, just the victim.

 

A few times you have described her as violent and vindictive yet you still want to be with her. Picture the future with her. Yes most people deserve a second chance but they need to claim responsibility for their actions, seek help and prove themselves worthy of your love. As said earlier she has previous so I can guarantee you she will not change. Look at how much hurt she has already inflicted and she is only 23!

 

The scariest thing I have read so far is when you said, 'We don't have kids at the moment'. This clearly shows that you will get back with her no matter what advice is given to you and no matter what abuse she puts you through because it will only get worse.

 

Call the RSPCA. At least one thing may be salvaged from this.

[Hollywood-Tourist]

OP, my question to you is, which pathway would you prefer? The one where you walk away now? Or the one where you learn the hard way and go through all the bs because she says "she loves you", which are just words?

 

I can understand & relate to your story, it is not pleasant & not deserved in any way.

 

 

Ideally I would prefer the straight/clear/fresh path that doesn't have any crap attached to it.

 

 

On the other hand, part of me still wants to go back to her - to what we had, I don't want to give that up.

[movingonnow1]

My concern here is also that this girl seems crazy and evil enough to lie to the police in the future about you. This could lead to you ending up in jail / a lot of trouble.

 

One of my cousins, an amazing guy, married this girl who he had a lot of issues with. He never told us she used to hit him...

 

One day, they were driving in a car together. She told him that she wanted to see other men while she was with him...he flat out told her no. As he was driving, she took ripped out the rear view mirror and hit it over his head. He got concussed and almost crashed his car. The next day, she called the police and he ended up getting arrest saying he "Abuses her". He tried to argue that she hit him, showing marks, but she claimed it was in self-defense. My family, considerably poor at the time because we just immigrated to Canada, ended up having to bail him out.

 

My cousin thought his life was over. The girl left him with another guy and gave him a criminal record (which was later erased due to evidence against her). He kind of reminds me a bit of you how he was after it was all said and done. Eventually, after much help and support from my family, he was able to regain his strength and become strong again. His ex wife ended up coming back to him eventually wanting him back, but we stopped him from even considering it. He is now married to an amazing woman and has twin daughters, doing amazing career wise and has a strong relationship with our family. What more can he ask for?

 

OP, my question to you is, which pathway would you prefer? The one where you walk away now? Or the one where you learn the hard way and go through all the bs because she says "she loves you", which are just words?

 

This is exactly how I see OP and his girl turning out if he continues the way he is.

 

 

Do you think she loves me?

 

No, I do not.

 

You mentioned traits about her...but how is it possible for someone to be:

 

Caring yet Vindictive

Kind yet Violent

Loyal yet Dishonest

Fun yet Cold

Patient yet calculating

Loving yet Remorseless

 

All of your negative attributes cancel out your positive ones. I'm sorry, you are in denial and need to wake up. This girl is a waste of time, horrible person and needs to be stood up to.

 

If you do not stand up to her, do not expect her to ever learn. When you do speak to her, tell her what she did was wrong and that you will never date her again. She has lost you...she will 1) be turned on because you are finally acting like a man 2) will realize she is wrong / be forced to realize it 3) you will stop making up lame excuses for her and put your foot down for once.

[thekid36]

Her traits are:

 

 

Good

Caring

Kind

Loyal

Fun

Patient

Loving

 

 

Bad

Dishonest

Violent

Vindictive

Cold

Remorseless

Calculating

 

 

I wish to stay with her because I can see a 'vulnerable' side to her when it's just the two of us alone & that makes me protective of her & because I deeply care for her & love her so very much.

 

 

Do you think she loves me?

 

 

Not really sure if she does to be honest. Not in the healthiest sense of that term. Maybe she does not know how to show it all the time. Is it perhaps that you care for her so deeply that it is distorting the whole intimate aspect of it all? I only ask this because my ex has acute bipolar disorder. I stayed with her for a long time because of mistaking caring and love. Even as negative of an environment it was.

 

 

Figured out that a relationship should be about mutual enhancement. Not about trying to save someone. I got to the point in which leaving was the only option. So as to protect my own sanity. Was also not fair for her to be with someone who was not all in it. She deserved her own happiness as well. You may have to think about this and ultimately decide if staying is worth the risk.

[lauri]

Exactly...

 

a relationship is supposed to enhance your life, not make it. This relationship is clearly not enhancing your life at all...if anything, it is bringing you down.

[todreaminblue]

I believe people can change .......even drastic change ......but to do that ....they have to know what they are doing isnt right and seek to be a better person....extreme changes can be a sign of mental illness......the crazy eyed look she gave you as she wrapped your hands around your neck also lead me to believe she could be ill.....

 

it is possible to be depressed and aggressive or angry even though depression is associated with extreme sadness it causes anger.....at the world at the people you love.....i dont get the anger part when i am depressed i take the anger out on me............but i have to think about this in others.....and give them chances...i have a sister who when depressed gets angry......and spiteful..mean...she is actually a sweet woman..theres this other guy friend i have...actually i know two........who get mean and angry and depression is the stem..a bit of cruelty towards me at times.........metal illness changes people ......both of these guy friends turn to other means to smooth out the edges .....which actually exasperates the problem even more.....this is common too......the thing is....i cant keep copping abuse or ridicule and i will retreat when they are like this.....even from my sister if she is being spiteful....she will come back and she apologises as does one my male friends.....the other one just doesnt care too much about me.....but the root i she cares less of himself....which si sad because eh is actually a good heart......but thats him......i will still be his friend if he needs one.....

 

 

 

your gf does need help and the longer it stays unchecked the deeper the problem takes root...... you have to enforce her to seek help if you ant the relationship to have any longevity and lack of physical violence against you or by you......you can only be pushed so far before you will push back too...or lash out......let the cycle end....enforce that end.....that is what needs to be done....or you will have to walka way ...for her and for you....deb

[Hollywood-Tourist]

Exactly...

 

a relationship is supposed to enhance your life, not make it. This relationship is clearly not enhancing your life at all...if anything, it is bringing you down.

 

It's the aftermath that's bringing me down.

 

 

I was very happy in the relationship right up until she laid her hands on me.

[ExpatInItaly]

No, I don't think she loves you. She broke up with you. What does that tell you? (Nevermind the physical abuse!!) She doesn't want to be your girlfriend any more. You live for her, but she doesn't feel the same way about you.

 

She is abusive. You are an abuse victim. That is not love. That is co-dependency.

 

We're all talking in circles now. We give our feedback, OP refutes it, then agrees that she's a violent, unstable nutcase. What more is there to say?

[todreaminblue]

No, I don't think she loves you. She broke up with you. What does that tell you? (Nevermind the physical abuse!!) She doesn't want to be your girlfriend any more. You live for her, but she doesn't feel the same way about you.

 

She is abusive. You are an abuse victim. That is not love. That is co-dependency.

 

We're all talking in circles now. We give our feedback, OP refutes it, then agrees that she's a violent, unstable nutcase. What more is there to say?

 

it si quite common for abused people to know what is happening is wrong and want it to change but stuck in that cycle of helplessness to instil change.......its very common...deb

[Zahara]

Caring/Cold

Kind/Calculating

Loyal/Dishonest

Fun/Violent

Patient/Vindictive

Loving/Remorseless

 

The Good needs to be consistent. If it isn't consistent, it isn't dependable. People that are inherently healthy, present consistent behavior -- not rollercoaster, up and down, 180.

 

The bad has canceled out the good.

[Hollywood-Tourist]

Thank you for all your replies everyone so far.

 

 

I will try to reply to each of them further tomorrow.

 

 

I'm signing off for the night.

[SoThatHappened]

I fear she may be a sociopath & has not once acknowledged that she was also to blame, nor has she cried, she hasn't apologised or shown any remorse whatsoever.

I only hit her in self defence because she was choking me. I'm not just going to lie there & take a pounding.

It just doesn't make sense why she would suddenly snap & want to kill me, only days beforehand we were out looking at wedding venues.

She would also drag it by the lead when out for a walk if it stopped for a short amount of time whether that be for a p!ss or to catch it's breath - she would be very short tempered with it.

The other 'warning signs' that I've seen with her are with the puppy, she would be intolerant of him & there was an occasion when I noticed he didn't have water in his bowl so I picked up the bowl & filled it up. She snapped at me "why are you filling his water up?" So I said because he needs it, she then said "that's not your job to fill his water up, leave it."

 

She has slashed her exs car tyres & I think pinned him to a wall when they finished.

I'm had bruises on my neck the following day so I got my parents to take photos just in case.

she's no oil painting really so it's not like she's the sort of girl that is actively pursued by guys.

Their daughter was sat straddled on top of me when they entered the room still choking me, so they at least saw the end part of the attack.

 

Her Dad (who I get on quite well with) has told me in the past that with her previous exs she slashed the tyres on his car & pinned one of them to a wall.

She is no oil painting & not the type of girl you'd make a beeline for based on her looks, she is very plain looking actually & is a bit of a Tomboy.

My eyebrows were raised when I saw what she did to the poor dog, she has never been tolerant of him.

I fear she will always be an abuser & is basically using the 'I'm a woman card' to get off with it & divert blame onto me.

But judging by her treatment of the dog then if that's anything to go by, I don't know if having a child would be a good idea because there would always be in the back of my mind what if she does something terrible.

she's the one who hasn't given a flying hoot.

Because she is depriving her puppy dog of water, food & exercise whilst also taking her frustrations out on him by dragging him by the lead if he stops for a pee or to catch his breath on a walk.

Bad

Dishonest

Violent

Vindictive

Cold

Remorseless

Calculating

 

I didn't even use one word from your original post. Didn't have to.

 

Read what you've said above. Tell me you'd say to anyone else that they're not crazy for getting back with someone who did those things to them.

 

So she's not a looker, has obvious anger issues, mistreats innocent animals, choked you, has no remorse, is dishonest, is violent... and you're not running for the hills?!

 

Man, I can blame my ex for a lot of things, but any one of the traits I just listed would likely have been deal-killers long before we broke up. And I loved this girl too.

 

As has been mentioned before, IF you get out of this and get away from this girl, you will look back on this thread and not even recognize yourself. I hope that happens.

 

It's one thing to have flaws. Who doesn't?! But staying with this woman, at your age, when there are thousands upon thousands of other women who don't have any of these traits? Why the eff would you do that?

 

I understand the infatuation, hurt, love, etc. But, you need to step back and look at this from a third-party perspective. You need a best friend to slap you upside the head. Heck, where do you live? I'll do it for free just to save someone from hell, especially potential children from this toxic situation.

 

Run. Dude... run.

[Hollywood-Tourist]

I meant she seems to think she is allowed to lash out at you. The only shame should be on her.

 

 

Of course she thinks that, she doesn't have a conscience & thinks that because she is a girl that she is immune from being punished/arrested.

 

Whilst this is the first time she has attacked you, she has form so her behaviour hasn't changed, just the victim.

 

 

Agreed.

 

 

First it was the dog (and we only got him in April) & now it's me.

 

A few times you have described her as violent and vindictive yet you still want to be with her. Picture the future with her.

 

 

Yes most people deserve a second chance but they need to claim responsibility for their actions, seek help and prove themselves worthy of your love.

 

 

As said earlier she has previous so I can guarantee you she will not change. Look at how much hurt she has already inflicted and she is only 23!

 

 

I have tried to see the future with her from every angle possible & a small proportion of that is that she will be violent again when she has an 'off' day.

On the other hand, I do think that when (or if she ever does) come to her senses & realises what she's done to me then she'll think that what she could have had with me was special (which it was) & she may want that again. But it would be up to me to take control then & call the shots so to speak.

 

 

Yes, the fact that she is only 23 & she has created all this destruction is also quite alarming especially since she's still quite young, I too don't think she will change anytime soon if at all ever.

 

Call the RSPCA. At least one thing may be salvaged from this.

 

I reported her last night to the RSPCA - the good thing is that they treat all reported cases od cruelty confidentially.

[Hollywood-Tourist]

This girl is a waste of time, horrible person and needs to be stood up to.

 

 

The best way I can describe her now that I've seen that other side to her is a bit of a Jekyll & Hyde character. She's a lovely person when the goings good & when she doesn't get her way/feel in control then she's this bad a** b*tch.

 

If you do not stand up to her, do not expect her to ever learn. When you do speak to her, tell her what she did was wrong and that you will never date her again. She has lost you...she will 1) be turned on because you are finally acting like a man 2) will realize she is wrong / be forced to realize it 3) you will stop making up lame excuses for her and put your foot down for once.

 

 

I did stand up to her that night just briefly when her mum asked what happened when she came downstairs. I told both her & the mother that she choked me twice & that it was unacceptable. My fiancés response to that (typically) was to not listen to we & march me out the house.

 

 

I really doubt she is reflecting on the seriousness of her behaviour & will never begin to realise or accept that she needs help - sad but true.

[Hollywood-Tourist]

Maybe she does not know how to show it all the time. Is it perhaps that you care for her so deeply that it is distorting the whole intimate aspect of it all?

 

 

I would say she was quite good at showing affection & love. Of course she would have days where she would be moody with me & fall out with her mum, dad or sister - who doesn't!

 

 

I think we both cared for each other very deeply & I knew right from the start of our relationship that she was the one for me & I felt that 'connection' to her that I've never felt with anyone before - so that sealed the deal for me from then on.

 

 

You may have to think about this and ultimately decide if staying is worth the risk.

 

She is worth it to me, so don't think I haven't taken everyone's advice & comments on board because I have. It's just that I want to save this & get my girl back.

[Hollywood-Tourist]

My concern here is also that this girl seems crazy and evil enough to lie to the police in the future about you. This could lead to you ending up in jail / a lot of trouble.

 

 

I'm not sure where I mentioned the Police in this.

 

 

Yes she is crazy & evil enough to do a lot of things as she's since proved. Having said that, there are two sides to every story & I think the Police would not just automatically assume that she is a victim & sling me in the jail but they would also note that men can also be victims of abuse - it works both ways.

 

Or the one where you learn the hard way and go through all the bs because she says "she loves you", which are just words?

 

 

Ok they are just words, but your actions can also demonstrate if/how much you love someone.

 

 

She always did things for me that made me feel loved/wanted so there was no reason to ever doubt her love for me because I know for sure it was genuine & that she really did want me.

[ExpatInItaly]

it si quite common for abused people to know what is happening is wrong and want it to change but stuck in that cycle of helplessness to instil change.......its very common...deb

 

Yes, I know.

 

I have been there. I am speaking from personal experience.