I hit my fiance in self-defence - how can I get her back?

[Hollywood-Tourist]

Am I the only one who thinks she may have been goading you into as an excuse to break up?

 

Yes.

 

 

There was no reason for her to want to break up with me. Everything was normal & going well in the days before the fight.

[yajiuma]

 

Do you think my level of defence (punch) was reasonable or did I go too far?

 

Reading your original post you state that the room was dark, this woman was sitting on you, choking you repeatedly. You said that you did not even realize that you punched her until the lights came on. Your actions were of a person instinctively trying to save their own life(your air passage was being blocked) her actions are a completely different kettle of fish.

[JunkYardDog]

Although I put up with massive emotional abuse for 4 years, the day she struck me three weeks ago, it was all over. Nuh uh, no way, f you and the horse you rode in on.

 

No one, and I mean no one who really loves you is going to do that to you. So why, why would you even want to give them another chance to show you who they really are? They already did. Your a glutton for it if you go back at this point.

 

If you wanna talk about how bummed you are, how horrible it feels, I gotcha, but wanting 'help' to get her back and get beat on again is crazy.

[Hollywood-Tourist]

Reading your original post you state that the room was dark, this woman was sitting on you, choking you repeatedly. You said that you did not even realize that you punched her until the lights came on. Your actions were of a person instinctively trying to save their own life(your air passage was being blocked) her actions are a completely different kettle of fish.

 

Yes she was straddled over me the second time choking me after I fell to the ground.

 

She said the only reason she grabbed me by the neck was to get me to stay & listen - that excuse is not good enough to me.

[Zapbasket]

I agree that something is off with this story. There seem to be a few facts missing. She was grumpy all evening, okay. But how did that lead to her choking you; what was the provocation for that? Unless she really is completely psycho, there had to be SOME external instigating factor that led her to leap up and squeeze her hands around your neck.

 

Was there an escalating argument? Something?

[yajiuma]

Yes she was straddled over me the second time choking me after I fell to the ground.

 

She said the only reason she grabbed me by the neck was to get me to stay & listen - that excuse is not good enough to me.

 

If you are in the middle of a heated argument I can imagine grabbing someone by the arm/a piece of clothing/ blocking their exit if that person is so adamant that you not leave. Choking you to get you to stay and listen- that is straight up psycho stuff in my opinion.

[ExpatInItaly]

I'm sorry this has happened OP. But I feel your version of events doesn't add up.

 

She went from a nice, happy, balanced individual to randomly attacking and choking you, and you claiming she may be a sociopath? That doesn't generally happen unless someone suffers from a serious mental illness or is under the influence of something.

 

What other warning signs have you seen? Which behavior have you overlooked? I don't really believe there haven't beenany indications throughout your entire relationship that she is an abuser. What facts have you left out of your description of her?

 

Don't entertain the idea of getting back together. She is ignoring her own abusive behaviour and focusing on you. She knows she's guilty as hell, but instead of acting like an adult and taking responsibility, she is acting like a bratty, spoilt bully and focusing on what you did wrong. She hasn't acknowledged her role in this fight and that should tell you all you need to know. She will do it again, and she will blameshift and make you out to be the bad guy. RUN. She isn't worth it. Take it from someone who has been there.

 

And P.S.: Do not let her near that poor puppy again. You can defend yourself against this loon, but that animal cannot.

Edited September 2, 2014 by ExpatInItaly

[Hollywood-Tourist]

What other warning signs have you seen? Which behavior have you overlooked? I don't really believe there haven't beenany indications throughout your entire relationship that she is an abuser. What facts have you left out of your description of her?

 

 

 

The other 'warning signs' that I've seen with her are with the puppy, she would be intolerant of him & there was an occasion when I noticed he didn't have water in his bowl so I picked up the bowl & filled it up. She snapped at me "why are you filling his water up?" So I said because he needs it, she then said "that's not your job to fill his water up, leave it."

 

 

She made me put the bowl back empty.

 

 

The other signs were that any boyfriend her younger sister gets (she is protective of her), she will warn them that if they ever wrong her, then they will have her (my fiancé) to answer to.

 

 

She has slashed her exs car tyres & I think pinned him to a wall when they finished. She is a bit of a tomboy I should add.

 

 

She is ignoring her own abusive behaviour and focusing on you. She knows she's guilty as hell, but instead of acting like an adult and taking responsibility, she is acting like a bratty, spoilt bully and focusing on what you did wrong.

 

 

Yes, I don't understand why she is not addressing the issue of her worrying violent behaviour. There must be a reason for that, and I will never understand why she went for my throat.

 

She hasn't acknowledged her role in this fight and that should tell you all you need to know. She will do it again, and she will blameshift and make you out to be the bad guy. RUN. She isn't worth it. Take it from someone who has been there.

 

 

Do you think that because she hasn't acknowledged her role in the fight then that would mean she couldn't care less & is heartless?

 

 

But although what she did to me is very wrong & unacceptable, I still love her & have forgiven her.

 

 

She had the cheek to say that she can't forgive me! Double standards.

[Hollywood-Tourist]

If you are in the middle of a heated argument I can imagine grabbing someone by the arm/a piece of clothing/ blocking their exit if that person is so adamant that you not leave. Choking you to get you to stay and listen- that is straight up psycho stuff in my opinion.

 

She did grab my arm to start with before she choked me, that was when I said I was leaving for the night.

 

 

I went back in because she said she was going to tell me what the problem was then when she accused me of liking a woman's photo on Facebook I got up to leave because the argument was getting petty.

 

 

She had me in the choke hold the second time similar to this picture.

 

 

http://www.picresize.com/images/rsz_wpid-hbp_self_defense_1012_0070.jpg

[Hollywood-Tourist]

She was grumpy all evening, okay. But how did that lead to her choking you; what was the provocation for that?

 

 

This is the million dollar question. I did nothing to provoke her that day at all, other than maybe ask her if she was ok a few times.

 

 

Unless she really is completely psycho, there had to be SOME external instigating factor that led her to leap up and squeeze her hands around your neck.

 

Was there an escalating argument? Something?

 

She has suffered from Depression in the past so I think maybe that could be a circumstance that played a role in why she choked me?

 

 

There was no escalating argument, nothing - it was a typical normal day apart from her being more grumpy/moody than usual.

[stillafool]

I think you both need to stay away from each other. Be glad she hasn't contacted you. It may hurt for a while but you will get over her. Better luck with your next relationship.

[Hollywood-Tourist]

I think you both need to stay away from each other.

 

 

Be glad she hasn't contacted you. It may hurt for a while but you will get over her. Better luck with your next relationship.

 

But all I want is to discuss this with her but she is not giving me a chance because of this no contact rule & because she wants 'space'.

 

 

I'm actually heartbroken that she hasn't contacted me.

 

 

She still loves & cares for me (she told me) so surely she owes me an apology & the chance to talk?

[Thruster]

I will try to keep this as short as possible. I'm hoping you can help/advise me asap as I feel I am losing the love of my life.

 

Just over a month ago I went to see my fiancé at her place (she still lives with her parents) in the early evening to catch up etc. She appeared to be quiet & snappy with me after a few hours of being in her company which I put down to her long week at work.

 

As the evening went on I asked her if she was ok to which she said that she was fine. Later on I asked her again & she snapped that if there was something wrong she would tell me - fair enough!

 

She didn't want dinner so I ordered a take-away for myself. When it arrived I was eating in the garden as it was sunny (she was sat next to me sunbathing) & then she went inside as she said she was too hot.

 

I followed inside 5mins later & sat downstairs. She had disappeared upstairs & around 20mins after I finished my dinner I went up to see if she was ok, she appeared ok but looked moody. So I went back downstairs to sit with her parents (giving her space - sensing her mood.) She later came down & we all watched tv.

 

As the night went on she was snapping at her mum for the most minor of things & was getting a bit sarcastic - becoming rather nasty. Her mum did say to her to stop swearing etc. Throughout the tv watching she barely said anything to me.

Shortly after her parents decided to go to bed so they went & turned the light off leaving the tv on for us. 20mins went on & I tried to make small talk with her which resulted in one worded responses.

 

At this point I'd had enough so I said to her that I was going home & not to contact me until she had snapped out of this horrible mood. She then grabbed my arm & said "don't leave me" so I said I'm not leaving you, I'm just leaving the situation.

 

She then said that her gran was unwell & that she felt she was the only one looking after her. She then accused me of saying that I like a picture of a famous woman on facebook. WTF!

 

Now the scary part..........

 

So I took a deep breath & stood up, & as I turned round (she must have shot up) & I felt both her hands round my neck pressing really tightly & this look of madness in her eyes. : : I found myself doing the same to her (to try and free myself.) This was the first time we have ever had a physical confrontation or even argument in the 2yrs we've been together (it has always been a honest, loyal & happy relationship.)

 

I pushed her onto the couch & I stumbled forward slightly, I then stumbled back by which point she leapt up, jumped on & sat on me & started choking me again. There was no speaking throughout this scuffle.

 

I was shocked & scared at this then suddenly her mum & dad came running downstairs panicking wondering what was going on. Her mum tried to pull her off (with some force as my fiancé is strong for a woman.) I then remember lashing out shouting "get off me" as she was pulled away with a struggle from her mum.

 

As she got up her dad switched the light on & my fiancés nose was bleeding so she ran for a towel then stormed over to me & slammed the engagement ring into my hand & said get out this house before pushing me outside. I apologised & said I didn't realise I had punched her (especially to her face) as I couldn't see exactly where I was 'aiming' because it was pitch black but she said get out so I did & went home.

 

I phoned my parents explaining what had happened & they said not to phone her that night as it will make things worse. So I waited until the next day before phoning her but she ignored my call, I left a message & she texted me to say I could meet her that evening outside. We talked & I apologised profusely & she said she could forgive me for the struggle but not for the punch & that she wanted space for a few days with no contact.

 

Basically I want to know if there is anyway I can get my fiancé back as I truly love her, don't want to lose her especially of this & she said she still loves & cares for me (when I met her the following day?)

 

I am not a violent person & have never hit a woman before but this was a genuine accident. I have told her I will seek counselling for my 'anger' hoping this will help & she said she was pleased to hear this.

 

I hope you can help me here as I'm so depressed & miserable right now & this was just a silly incident that got out of hand.

 

Many thanks

 

 

 

 

RUN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

RUN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hope you get what I am saying pal

 

 

dude get a new girl - -this one is a nut if you have given all the facts

[Hollywood-Tourist]

This one is a nut if you have given all the facts

 

I have given all the facts mate.

 

 

I'm had bruises on my neck the following day so I got my parents to take photos just in case.

 

 

Would it be too late to go to the Police given that it happened on the 23rd July 2014?

[Mint Sauce]

Am I the only one who thinks she may have been goading you into as an excuse to break up?

 

No, you're not the only one.

 

I'd say she's having 2nd thoughts about wanting to marry you. Maybe she even has a crush on someone else. But you're so nice that it's hard for her to rationalize why she wants to end the engagment. The internal tension resulting from that, shows on the outside, and is aimed at you. You hitting her finally gave her an excuse to ask for space. That's why she can't forgive you: that would take away her potential excuse/reason to break up.

[Hollywood-Tourist]

I'd say she's having 2nd thoughts about wanting to marry you.

 

 

I disagree. She was the one who was not pushing, but wanting to get married soon after we started dating.

 

 

I left it a while before I seriously considered if I wanted the same thing - marriage. I did, so I asked her to marry me, she accepted & we've been engaged since last September.

 

 

Maybe she even has a crush on someone else. But you're so nice that it's hard for her to rationalize why she wants to end the engagment. The internal tension resulting from that, shows on the outside, and is aimed at you. You hitting her finally gave her an excuse to ask for space. That's why she can't forgive you: that would take away her potential excuse/reason to break up.

 

She doesn't want anyone else, she's no oil painting really so it's not like she's the sort of girl that is actively pursued by guys.

 

 

I know for a fact that she didn't want out of the relationship because we were so happy & we talked about future plans etc frequently & just days before the fight, we were looking for wedding venues.

[FortunateSon]

No, you're not the only one.

 

I'd say she's having 2nd thoughts about wanting to marry you. Maybe she even has a crush on someone else. But you're so nice that it's hard for her to rationalize why she wants to end the engagment. The internal tension resulting from that, shows on the outside, and is aimed at you. You hitting her finally gave her an excuse to ask for space. That's why she can't forgive you: that would take away her potential excuse/reason to break up.

I experienced something similar, this is very plausible. My ex fiancé and I were struggling, but she had no real reason to break it off as I treated her very well, so she started to pick fights and do things intentionally that would obviously instigate very heated arguments. In the end, we had a huge blow-out argument which gave her all the reason she needed to justify ending things. She also involved her family, fabricated what had happened, and made me out to be the bad guy. OP should stay away from this woman and not look back.

[FortunateSon]

I know for a fact that she didn't want out of the relationship because we were so happy & we talked about future plans etc frequently & just days before the fight, we were looking for wedding venues.

This means absolutely NOTHING, the same thing happened to me before my experience and break up.

[Hollywood-Tourist]

OP should stay away from this woman and not look back.

 

That is easier said than done.

 

 

I can understand what you said about you being in a similar situation & your girlfriend would pick fights etc, but my fiancé was just never like that & if that is why she has done it, I am very very surprised.

 

 

I would say she was maybe obsessed with me in a way because she always told everyone about me & how good I was etc etc.

I think she loved me just that little bit more than I loved her (if that makes sense?)

[Mint Sauce]

maybe she put on a happy face, or she had a sudden panic attack realizing the enormity of marriage, it doesn't matter: the facts are that she's not speaking to you, and that she threw her ring at you. To me that screams that she doesn't want to marry you (anymore). Sorry for you.

[Hollywood-Tourist]

This means absolutely NOTHING, the same thing happened to me before my experience and break up.

 

So what are you saying, she just got fed up?

[Hollywood-Tourist]

maybe she put on a happy face, or she had a sudden panic attack realizing the enormity of marriage.

 

 

Who knows.

 

I don't believe about her having a panic attack, we hadn't even set a date for the wedding so it's not like the wedding was in two weeks & she's got cold feet.

 

 

Do remember she was the one who first mentioned marriage quite early on in the relationship & she was the one who accepted my proposal, so that must count for something.

[Carpe-diem]

So she's a dog kicking, drama queen with sociopathic tendencies? She sounds like a keeper!

 

 

I agree with those who have suggested we're not getting the full story. It's hard to believe that in 2 years you had no major arguments or red flags yet the first time she goes for you she near enough attempts to kill you? Bit of an over reaction. If she is a sociopath then it will happen again. Sociopaths don't have isolated incidences. So the first attack she tries to choke you. What would the second attack be? A weapon? The 3rd attack, imminent death?

 

 

Keep your distance. I'd put money on her contacting you. She's waiting for you to contact her. The lack of attention is infuriating her so she will eventually reach out. As near enough everyone has said here, stay away. Run for the hills.

 

 

x

[Mint Sauce]

Do remember she was the one who first mentioned marriage quite early on in the relationship & she was the one who accepted my proposal, so that must count for something.

 

Unfortunately, and I've had my share of heartbreak because of this too, feelings change, and sometimes to opposite ends of the spectrum over the course of (a) year(s)...

[Hollywood-Tourist]

I agree with those who have suggested we're not getting the full story. It's hard to believe that in 2 years you had no major arguments or red flags yet the first time she goes for you she near enough attempts to kill you? Bit of an over reaction.

 

 

Some relationships are like that where you get on so well that you never really seriously argue. Ok we've bickered a few times, but it's nothing that's ever escalated to the point of falling out over.

 

 

We are very compatible & although our personalities are different, opposites attract as they say.

 

 

It was certainly an over reaction from her & why she couldn't just have said phone me tomorrow instead, rather than trying to restrain & choke me I'll never know.

 

 

Unfortunately, and I've had my share of heartbreak because of this too, feelings change, and sometimes to opposite ends of the spectrum over the course of (a) year(s)...

 

I accept that peoples feelings can change, but we are so in love that this makes it all the more difficult to comprehend.

 

 

I'll never get to the bottom of this & understand it.