I hit my fiance in self-defence - how can I get her back?

[whichwayisup]

Spot on. Can't help it but it's how I feel currently.

 

 

 

 

Yes. My parents have noticed that in their company she has got a bit horrible with me on occasion: For example if I asked her if she wanted a glass of juice or something, she would sulk back "no it's fine I'll tell you if I want something" whilst pulling a face.

 

 

She would also be sarcastic with me & blow small minor things out of proportion.

 

 

Sometimes she would also be rude to me if I asked simply if she was ok or how was her day, she would snap back "I don't want to talk about it so stop asking right."

 

 

She's never really sworn at me no, but as I said in the original post she swore at her mum that night as well as being sarcastic to her.

 

 

She's sworn at her parents countless times & that tells me that she has zero respect for them. They let her away with it because I think they are afraid of her even.

 

 

 

 

 

I would naturally be wary of her if we got back together & would feel like I'm looking over my shoulder all the time which essentially is not the right normal way to live, it would just be caution all the time.

 

 

 

 

A few times but not that often.

 

Nobody expects you to stop loving her and just get over it. This was a woman you planned on marrying....But, things have changed in a bad way and she is abusive. To you, to her parents and to others probably too.

 

She is rude, disrespectful, pissy, immature and seems entitled to treat people (aka YOU) very poorly.

 

It's going to take time to adjust and grieve.

[amaysngrace]

Do you think she is destined for a life on her own?

 

Nope. She will find someone new real soon and she'll start all over again with being nice and charming and wonderful.

 

She may even throw it in there how you punched her in the nose for sympathy but no, she won't change. She will only change victims.

 

Is she going to see a professional and has she apologized to you or is she just blaming you for everything? Does she say it's your fault that she got that way?

 

I apologize. I only read your first post on this whole thread and came in on page 11.

[GorillaTheater]

Do you think she is destined for a life on her own?

 

Don't know, don't care. Her problems are not mine.

 

And they aren't yours, either. She fired you from that gig. Though in all fairness you should have fired her first.

[ThorntonMelon]

She fired you from that gig.

 

OP - it's step #1 for you. You have to understand that she has dumped you.

 

Aside from a therapist (which you should do immediately) your biggest issue is to appreciate the above. Nothing else can happen until you realize she is no longer your fiance.

[Hollywood-Tourist]

Nobody expects you to stop loving her and just get over it. This was a woman you planned on marrying....But, things have changed in a bad way and she is abusive. To you, to her parents and to others probably too.

 

She is rude, disrespectful, pissy, immature and seems entitled to treat people (aka YOU) very poorly.

 

 

I reiterate the fact that she says she put her hands round my neck to stop me leaving so that I would listen to her.

 

 

That is not an acceptable or valid excuse to warrant putting your hands on someone, there are other ways in which she could have stopped me going.

 

 

In a way I do take some comfort in the fact that the abuse as such isn't aimed at me directly, her parents have been on the receiving end of it, the dog & god knows who else.

[Hollywood-Tourist]

Is she going to see a professional and has she apologized to you or is she just blaming you for everything? Does she say it's your fault that she got that way?

 

 

I don't think she is going to see a professional, that would be too much hard work for her.

 

 

The only apology I've had from her was that she was sorry for the tussle. Tussle? Does that mean just the general movement of the fight or the choking itself? I think I know what it means..........and it's not for the choking.

 

 

She's never said it was my fault that she got that way no.

[Strength in Healing]

This topic is nutty.

 

And what you described isn't sociopathy.

 

If I had to wager I would bet she found someone else.

[CarrieT]

 

Do you think she is destined for a life on her own?

 

Nope, not at all.

 

She will find someone weaker than you and bully them into a lifelong relationship that will be hell for both of them.

[whichwayisup]

I reiterate the fact that she says she put her hands round my neck to stop me leaving so that I would listen to her.

 

 

That is not an acceptable or valid excuse to warrant putting your hands on someone, there are other ways in which she could have stopped me going.

 

 

In a way I do take some comfort in the fact that the abuse as such isn't aimed at me directly, her parents have been on the receiving end of it, the dog & god knows who else.

 

That doesn't explain the madness in her eyes.

 

Yup, she could have grabbed your arm, fell down and wrapped herself around your knees/legs. Please don't believe her words when she tells you it was her way of stopping you. So, what made her choke you a second time? Did she explain that one? Typical excuse by an abuser...

[whichwayisup]

I don't think she is going to see a professional, that would be too much hard work for her.

 

 

The only apology I've had from her was that she was sorry for the tussle. Tussle? Does that mean just the general movement of the fight or the choking itself? I think I know what it means..........and it's not for the choking.

 

 

She's never said it was my fault that she got that way no.

 

Please do not fall for her pitiful apology, especially since she has had this behaviour validated from you all for a long time. You've put up with her rudeness, the way she speaks to you at times and so have both of her parents. Seems you all were scared of standing up to her and putting her in her place.

 

Her getting pissy and rude when you asked if she'd like a drink or whatever, her response was unbelievable and totally inappropriate.

 

She will not change because this is who she's been for years. And gotten away with it. The only way she will actually change is if she's forced to. If she suffers major consequences, loses friends, even family members and yes, you as well. She *may* wake up and get help, but even then, chances are nil because she will just find another weak person who is afraid to stand up to her, she will find someone she can control, manipulate and abuse.

 

I feel sad for her parents, and you as well as you didn't deserve any of this.

[ExpatInItaly]

This topic is nutty.

 

And what you described isn't sociopathy.

 

If I had to wager I would bet she found someone else.

 

I tend to agree with this, too.

[amaysngrace]

In a way I do take some comfort in the fact that the abuse as such isn't aimed at me directly, her parents have been on the receiving end of it, the dog & god knows who else.

 

Yes! Good!!

 

Don't take it personally. That's the way she treats the ones she is suppose to care about. She didn't treat you that way because you're you...she treats you that way because she's her.

 

You get it!!

[Hollywood-Tourist]

If I had to wager I would bet she found someone else.

 

I don't agree with this. If you'd have read my post throughout, I mentioned that she was loyal.

 

 

She's not the sort of girl that acts like a slut & chases after blokes left right & centre, she's just not like that.

 

 

 

That doesn't explain the madness in her eyes.

 

 

So, what made her choke you a second time? Did she explain that one? Typical excuse by an abuser...

 

 

I'll never understand the madness in her eyes, it was a sort of 'determined' look with motionless feeling there at the same time, I suppose she looked possessed ultimately.

 

 

Although it was dark, the light from the TV was enough for me to see into her eyes.

 

I've no idea what made her choke me for a second time. It's not like she gave me the chance then to get up & talk, she immediately jumped on me, straddled & carried on with the attack - beggars belief.

 

 

She has never explained that because she sees that she's done no wrong and has passed the blame onto me which is very unfair.

 

 

She will not change because this is who she's been for years. And gotten away with it. The only way she will actually change is if she's forced to. If she suffers major consequences, loses friends, even family members and yes, you as well.

 

She is far too accustomed to this behaviour which essentially makes up for her 'hidden' personality to actually want to change.

 

 

She has not paid the price for her behaviour & doesn't realise what she has lost, instead just putting it down to 'the victims fault' - more or less.

 

 

She has to realise that with your actions there will be consequences.

[Hollywood-Tourist]

Don't take it personally. That's the way she treats the ones she is suppose to care about. She didn't treat you that way because you're you...she treats you that way because she's her.

 

 

I don't take it personally, I am now beginning to see her for what she really is, you guys are doing a great job in convincing me of just how nasty she is & have clearly exposed her a mile off.

 

 

I'm sorry if I bore you all with my drivel, but it does help me genuinely talking about it on here & I am beginning to see the light.

 

 

There are more cons than pros with her when I look at it with hindsight.

[amaysngrace]

There are more cons than pros with her when I look at it with hindsight.

 

Well you need to remember that and remind yourself of that quite often because you are going to miss her, you were together for two years.

 

But right now you should be thanking your lucky stars that you got away from a life of that and go celebrate or something. Go do something fun that you enjoy, even if it's just getting an ice cream.

 

And smile when you go out there. It can't hurt.

[Hollywood-Tourist]

Well you need to remember that and remind yourself of that quite often because you are going to miss her, you were together for two years.

 

 

It helps me to think of the bad and what she did in the end, that helps me deal with it because I think I ended up with an abuser & that's not right.

[Strength in Healing]

I don't agree with this. If you'd have read my post throughout, I mentioned that she was loyal.

 

 

...Really?

 

I would've sworn on the bible my past girlfriend was loyal. For four years straight.

 

Only time I realized she wasn't was when I realized the real reason we broke up............

[Hollywood-Tourist]

Only time I realized she wasn't was when I realized the real reason we broke up............

 

Well the fact that when I first got up to leave & she grabbed my arm desperately and said "don't leave me" - that is enough evidence to suggest that she was sincere and really didn't want me to go.

[Strength in Healing]

I understand your pain, I lived through it. In more ways than one. But your willful naivety will not benefit you.

 

Don't be so easily fooled by reading too deeply into what you want to see. Research confirmation bias.

[amaysngrace]

I understand your pain, I lived through it. In more ways than one. But your willful naivety will not benefit you.

 

Don't be so easily fooled by reading too deeply into what you want to see. Research confirmation bias.

 

What does it even matter?

 

Abuse>Infidelity and she is already an abuser.

 

And do you know why Abuse>Infidelity??? Because it's against the law.

[Strength in Healing]

WBecause it's against the law.

 

 

You speak my language.

 

However, in psychology, abuse does not top infidelity. People are more apt to stay that are abused, than those that are cheated on.

[amaysngrace]

You speak my language.

 

However, in psychology, abuse does not top infidelity. People are more apt to stay that are abused, than those that are cheated on.

 

Ahh so you're trying to make sure he really stays gone, is that it?

 

Okay. I'll play along. She's a cheater...

[Hollywood-Tourist]

Okay. I'll play along. She's a cheater...

 

No she's not. There is no evidence to suggest that.

[amaysngrace]

No she's not. There is no evidence to suggest that.

 

Nah I know that...I was just playing along with that persistent poster who keeps insisting that she found someone else.

 

But she has the ability to be violent. And I know psychologists say that people tolerate violence against them more than they put up with cheating according to that persistent poster and I can't stand cheating but being abused is way worse if you ask me. It scares the living crap out of you.

[Hollywood-Tourist]

But she has the ability to be violent. And I know psychologists say that people tolerate violence against them more than they put up with cheating according to that persistent poster and I can't stand cheating but being abused is way worse if you ask me. It scares the living crap out of you.

 

I know what you mean.

 

 

To be honest, although I was scared when she choked me I was more shocked than scared.

 

 

I never in a million years expected or thought she would do anything like this to me.