bathtub-row Posted October 4, 2014 Share Posted October 4, 2014 I just find it insane how all these people who cheat never want to admit it to their husbands/wives. They just come up with some excuse to justify why they don't tell their spouse. That's just really evil. There's absolutely no excuse not to admit you cheated I don't care what you say. Having them find out from someone else just makes things even worse. It's not insane when an abuser is likely to beat, maim or kill a person (or persons) over it. Aside from that, abusers don't deserve the truth anyway. However, I have an extremely jaded view of abusers and basically consider them sub-human -- just so you know where I stand on this one. Link to post Share on other sites
NJ123 Posted October 4, 2014 Share Posted October 4, 2014 It's not insane when an abuser is likely to beat, maim or kill a person (or persons) over it. Aside from that, abusers don't deserve the truth anyway. However, I have an extremely jaded view of abusers and basically consider them sub-human -- just so you know where I stand on this one. If their an abuser than why the hell would you be with them in the first place? Get a divorce or end the relationship right away instead of cheating on them & staying with the abuser. But like I said, everyone on here has excuses to justify cheating no matter what. Link to post Share on other sites
revelations Posted October 8, 2014 Share Posted October 8, 2014 My point is that abusers deserve no respect and it's an 'all bets off' situation, as far as I'm concerned. I think the abuser deserve whatever the abused person dishes out because the abuser is a huge reason why the situation transpired in the first place; i.e., not only are they a part of that dance, they also choose the music. Her cheating on him was a form of rebellion so, therefore, a step toward getting away from him -- that was the reason for me saying that I applauded her for it. Would it have been better not to cheat and just leave? Of course. Would the cheating hurt him? Who cares? Her true consideration should have been for her own self-respect -- which would be to not cheat, get the heck out of there, etc. Bathtub-row this is a disturbing post for a lot of reasons. I am wondering if you would still feel the same if the woman was doing the abusing? Would this just give the "free pass" for her husband to cheat? Let me clue you in on a few things since I have been both physically abused and cheated on. Either one sucks and is no fun, so their is no excuse for either. I was brought up with certain principals or you might say morals. One major one was to never hit a woman. However I have had some women take advantage of this, thinking it was okay to hit me at anytime since they feared no retaliation. Now this does not mean that I just let them hit me. Unless I was surprised by the attack, I would simply deflect the punch until I had a clear path out and away from the situation. However getting away from the abuser is the key word. You don't hang around, cheat on them, pee in their shoe or anything else, you leave, simple. How many of you here have been in fights? How many fights have you had in your lifetime? I am willing to bet it is a lot less that the amount of fights I have been in. I am also willing to bet that most people here have never been in fights with two or more people at the same time. I got tried of getting my butt kicked as a kid, so I learned how to fight, including different styles of martial arts and wrestling. I can tell you that an average street fight will last about 15 seconds, 30 seconds or longer if the guy/s knows what they are doing. I am not a small guy, I am a lot faster than what people expect, so you might say I have been around the block on this subject. I can tell you this, if your dealing with a guy that is violent and is unable to control it, taunting him will only make it worse. So bathtub-row your logic of cheating on them is dead wrong. Classifying a person as sub-human that is physically abusive is also dead wrong. A person doing this has not had the training that I was fortunate enough to have. They lack skills in verbal communication and a lot of times only knows one way to get their point across. This does not excuse the act of violence at all, is what I am saying is that often times they feel it is the only option. So when dealing with someone like this, the best policy is to get away from them. Cheating, peeing in their shoe, and any other revenge you can think of will only serve to increase the chance of more physical abuse. I still think it is amusing the amount of double standards that goes on in the laws and these forums. If a woman hits a man that is okay, she needs help. If a woman cheats on a man, well the man did something to deserve it. If a man hits a woman just once or is rough with her in any way, then let's put this guy in prison, beat him daily until he rots in jail. If the man cheats, then once again all bets are off. Anytime I have posted about being hit by women only a couple of people here have stated that it was wrong. I have had a lot of people on this forum attack me because I have stated that I will not be in a relationship with a woman ever again. They took it personal as if I had rejected them for dating. However look around on these forums and ask yourself "why would I want to expose myself to this"? Any man in his right mind would see the troubles that follows being with a woman. Men today are expected to take the abused, get used and discarded without so much as uttering a word in complaint. People here cheer when a woman abuses a man. If the man tries to call the police and get protection from a woman he risks going to jail himself. So I ask once again, are women really worth it? Thankfully I have had this question already answered for me. I am single and I am enjoying it. After seeing what is posted on this forum it will serve to encourage me to remain single. I am still fascinated at the stupidity of My point is that abusers deserve no respect and it's an 'all bets off' situation, as far as I'm concerned.Anyone thinking that this is a good idea really needs to have their thinking license revoked. Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted October 8, 2014 Share Posted October 8, 2014 I have had a lot of people on this forum attack me because I have stated that I will not be in a relationship with a woman ever again. They took it personal as if I had rejected them for dating. However look around on these forums and ask yourself "why would I want to expose myself to this"? Any man in his right mind would see the troubles that follows being with a woman. Men today are expected to take the abused, get used and discarded without so much as uttering a word in complaint. People here cheer when a woman abuses a man. If the man tries to call the police and get protection from a woman he risks going to jail himself. So I ask once again, are women really worth it? Thankfully I have had this question already answered for me. I am single and I am enjoying it. After seeing what is posted on this forum it will serve to encourage me to remain single. I am still fascinated at the stupidity of Anyone thinking that this is a good idea really needs to have their thinking license revoked. Wow, I think you've taken quite a leap with this one. First of all, when I use the word 'abuser', I'm referring to male or female. So, it makes no difference to me what their sex is. I think a lot of people feel that way. I think the problem is that most people never knew that abuse to a male happened so often, and how completely helpless it can make him feel in the sense that he becomes the bad guy no matter which way he turns. I believe the world is waking up to this, though. I hope they are, anyway. I have a relative who's married to a complete monster -- the relative is a male, the monster is a female. I was actually present when she slapped him in the face one day and shouted so loudly that I was shocked to my bones. I have completely stopped seeing her and have urged the relative to get the hell away from her, along with the kids. I completely detest this woman and if she got hit by a bus tomorrow, I wouldn't care. Yes, she's sub-human. She makes no effort to change her behavior and, in her twisted mind, everyone else in this world is screwed up and wrong except for her. She terrorizes her husband's life, her kids and her mother and sister. Everyone would be better off without her in this world, believe me. For a short while, I was also once married to a monster. Same deal -- he made no effort to control himself. What you may not understand about abusers is that THEY ENJOY THE CONTROL AND POWER THEY CAN EXERT OVER ANOTHER PERSON. Read it again because it's hard to take in. That power and control over another is like a drug to them. They enjoy what they do, which is why they so rarely change. Because they don't want to. You might want to read the book "Why Does He Do That?" By Lundy Bancroft and maybe you'll understand where I'm coming from. As far as the cheating is concerned, I think it would actually be really dumb to tell the abuser about it, and in the case we're talking about, I don't think she did tell him. Again, my point was that it was the victim's way of lashing out and a start to her getting the heck out of there. Hey, whatever it takes to develop the backbone to get out. If Mr. or Mrs. Abuser found out about the cheating and was hurt -- again, I say who cares? He/she has decimated another human being, has possibly ruined them for life. I couldn't care less what happens to them. I didn't end up staying long with my abusive ex but it was long enough to learn that there are some really, really screwed up people out there. As for you, your choice not to date is the safest route. It's your way of protecting yourself and rebelling against the way things are. It's understandable and there's no judgement there. I'm not with anyone, either, because my level of trust for others is very, very low. However, I do believe that it's not the best way to be and being alone isn't optimal for us as humans. I hope that someday I'll find someone who's trustworthy and mentally stable, and I hope the same for you, too. The thing I tell my friends now is that I'm no longer afraid that I'll get involved with an abusive person because I can spot them from 10 miles away and, if someone did get past my radar initially, he wouldn't have the opportunity to show me that side of himself more than once. I think that's true for you, too. You'll never get involved with someone like that again. I hope that helps you see that you really could have something much more healthy than what you had in the past and you deserve that. I've learned to be cautious and not as trusting as I once was. I'm not sure that's really a bad thing. Link to post Share on other sites
revelations Posted October 9, 2014 Share Posted October 9, 2014 bathtub-row, I apologize if I came off harsh to you. However I will tell you that I have found it very disturbing the way male victims of violence is ignored and often times ridiculed. Often times these men have no place to turn to, police will arrest them if they report it, there are very few shelters for men like this and divorce court will rob them of what they have and produce. So men that get abused by their wives are on their own and at great risk of being arrested. I am standing by my statement that you are wrong about cheering Letitsnow for cheating and I will explain why. In my last post I described men that were labeled abusers simply because that lacked the skills to control their emotions and/or lacked communication skills. You made a very good observation here. THEY ENJOY THE CONTROL AND POWER THEY CAN EXERT OVER ANOTHER PERSONWith a person like this, their are only two ways to really deal with them. One is to take the power from them. In order to do this you must be able to beat them down to the point that they do not want to hit you again. Young boys often face this growing up through school, this is called dealing with a bully. Normally telling the teacher or any other proper method to try and get the bully to stop will fail. What usually will stop a bully is being attacked by his victim. Usually a punch or two is not enough, so once the victim strikes back it is all or nothing. The problem with the described method above is that as an adult this can land you in jail. Another problem is that if the victim is a woman and the aggressor is a man, then skill and strength come into play here. This may sound sexist, however it is not, it is simple observation. Most women don't have the upper body strength that a man does and also most women don't know how to fight. I don't say this to shame or anything else, simply put, women focus on other things that are their strengths and interests. So a woman trying to strike back at a man that is abusing her can end very badly for her. The second method of dealing with this power hungry abuser is to leave. Just get away from him, don't look back, put physical distance between the abuser and victim. For a woman that is being abused this is the best method of dealing with the problem. For a man being abused not so much, remember they can be arrested for another type of abuse by leaving. However this option is very much in play for a woman that is being abused and should be used. Like I said before doing things such as cheating is wrong, it is simply a case of the victim becoming the abuser. Not only that you have to ask yourself what the final goal is, isn't it to put a stop to the abuse? By taking part in such petty revenge can only serve to weaken your own character and justify the abusers position in his head. Likewise you may end up getting beaten even more than before. So in this case simply leaving and staying gone is the best option and the wise one. You may wonder how I arrive at this conclusion or why I feel this way. This is not something that I figured out a week ago or have a year or two experience with. This is something I have had to face over and over again for about 35yrs. As I stated in my last post, I am a big guy and I know how to fight. I will tell you that I did not learn to fight because I wanted to. I learned how to fight because I got tired of getting my butt kicked as a kid. I was getting my butt kicked by my sister who is 13yrs older than myself and my brother who is 15yrs older than myself, then there was the school yard bullies. Notice I said "bullies" being plural. By the time I was in junior high school I had lost counts of how many fights I was in, none of which I started. When I was going to school simply staying away from a bully was not a option. A bully would hunt you down on the playground or follow you home from school. Alerting a teacher or even the principal did nothing to stop a bully. So eventually you had to face and fight him. Often times I knew I would have my butt kicked unless I used some tactics. So speed was what I would use to my advantage, rocks, sticks, anything that was around. Believe it or not some of those bullies became my friends after I had fought back and even stopped bullying others. I still don't like violence to this day unless I am watching it on TV. Taking revenge in any form is just wrong in my book. I don't care if Letitsnow takes revenge by cheating on her husband or by peeing in his shoe, it is still wrong. From what Letitsnow describes in her story this is not a case of a power hungry bully. In fact she even admits that she taunted him at times. So he is more than likely just a guy that did not have the skills to control his temper or use his words. Also from what Letitsnow describes her husband has done work on himself in that area. However if Letitsnow feels that her husbands abuses is still a problem, even if it is past abuse, she should just leave. Something you may or may not know is that women bully and abuse also. The women that physically abuse their husbands or boyfriends do so by taking advantage of current laws that will imprison the victim for fighting back. However the more common way women abuse is through emotions. This can be anything from cheating on their husband and laughing in their face about it, to comparing their husband to a past lover where the husband always falls short. Usually women will probe and try to find what will hurt their husband emotionally then go for that weak spot. I've seen this before with women I have been involved with. Often times I would piss them of because I learned how to suppress my emotions and when I showed not reaction this would upset them. So when it comes down to abuse women are just as guilty as men on this subject. Now understand that the difference between standing up or protecting yourself and revenge are very different. When you stand up for yourself you are taking action to protect yourself or to get the abuse to stop. Revenge is payback, often times done long after the abuse has stopped. You feel that someone has gotten away with hurting you so now it is time to hurt them back. The reason why revenge is wrong is because it sets up a pattern of abuse between two people or parties. The victim that is taking revenge no longer has moral high ground. The victim now becomes the predator also. Revenge is taken in many different ways without violence including, destroying a persons reputation, getting them fired from a job, to unending lawsuits. Revenge has nothing to do with protecting yourself, it is all about payback, becoming the predator. With me I do not take revenge, nor do I hate. I don't avoid dating women for revenge or hatred of women. Simply put it is a survival mechanism to protect myself from more harm. I am not even trying to protect myself from a broken heart or anything like that. What I am protecting myself from is false and bias domestic violence laws, divorce courts and the likes. One day I want to be able to retire and spend my time fishing and complaining about taxes with my friends. However I know that all it takes is one woman and I can loose everything including my freedom. I have been told by other women on this site that I am very selfish for thinking this way. Truth is I am not the selfish one. I mean after all what sounds more selfish to you, the guy that wants to be left alone or the woman that demands the man risk everything he has including his freedom? So just remember that I am not a guy that has done abusing nor has never been abused. I was always the victim of abuse and had to find creative ways to put a stop to it. Sometimes it was best to stand and fight, other times it was best to leave, still yet I've tricked the abusers into leaving. Abuse can take many forms and the current laws today actually protect some abusers. So why do I have such a problem with Letitsnow cheating on her husband. Simple, it sets up a pattern that later on Letitsnow may repeat with someone else that does not deserve it. Bottom line is that she has become no better than her abuser. If you want to break the cycle then you must give up revenge. Otherwise you will have more men in prison and politicians demanding more tax dollars to keep these men locked up. Guess what, eventually these politicians will run out of other peoples money. So revenge is never the answer, leaving is. Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted October 10, 2014 Share Posted October 10, 2014 bathtub-row, I apologize if I came off harsh to you. However I will tell you that I have found it very disturbing the way male victims of violence is ignored and often times ridiculed. Thank you for your apology but you didn't come across as too harsh. I just felt that your reasoning - the part I quoted - really took a leap. I'm sorry for the things you've gone through. I really am. I hope you know that there are plenty of us out there who sympathize deeply with men in abusive relationships. My heart bleeds for the relative of mine that I mentioned. It truly kills me. He's also a big guy -- 6'2", big build, but his wife torments him. It's so sad I could cry every time I think about it. I think this is relevant to the OP's post so I'll just say this. My point about the cheating is based on one basic fact, and kind of along the lines of what you were talking about -- that humans are basically animals and when they're pushed hard enough, when they're backed into a corner, they will lash out one way or another. No matter what rules or moral codes we like to put in place, those things go out the window when people are pushed beyond their limits. That's all I'm saying. To me, the OP's cheating was a sign that she was pushed too far and that she had had enough. That's what the applause was for. Not for the act itself. Just that she did SOMETHING to take back her independence. I see her behavior as self-preservation, not revenge. I think we're in a gray area and we should probably stop the banter back and forth -- this might be considered threadjacking. I wouldn't mind us PMing one another but people have told me that they can't seem to PM me for some reason and I can't figure it out. If you want, start a separate post and I'll look for it. Link to post Share on other sites
revelations Posted October 10, 2014 Share Posted October 10, 2014 Thank you for your apology but you didn't come across as too harsh. I just felt that your reasoning - the part I quoted - really took a leap. I'm sorry for the things you've gone through. I really am. I hope you know that there are plenty of us out there who sympathize deeply with men in abusive relationships. My heart bleeds for the relative of mine that I mentioned. It truly kills me. He's also a big guy -- 6'2", big build, but his wife torments him. It's so sad I could cry every time I think about it. I think this is relevant to the OP's post so I'll just say this. My point about the cheating is based on one basic fact, and kind of along the lines of what you were talking about -- that humans are basically animals and when they're pushed hard enough, when they're backed into a corner, they will lash out one way or another. No matter what rules or moral codes we like to put in place, those things go out the window when people are pushed beyond their limits. That's all I'm saying. To me, the OP's cheating was a sign that she was pushed too far and that she had had enough. That's what the applause was for. Not for the act itself. Just that she did SOMETHING to take back her independence. I see her behavior as self-preservation, not revenge. I think we're in a gray area and we should probably stop the banter back and forth -- this might be considered threadjacking. I wouldn't mind us PMing one another but people have told me that they can't seem to PM me for some reason and I can't figure it out. If you want, start a separate post and I'll look for it. Okay I'll PM you my response. That is very true that we may be thread jacking and that is not my intent to do that to Letitsnow. Link to post Share on other sites
Trr Posted October 12, 2014 Share Posted October 12, 2014 Hi Letitsnow, I hope things have been getting better and that you check in with us to let us know how you have been doing. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Letitsnow Posted October 16, 2014 Author Share Posted October 16, 2014 Hello back! Revelation, I did not take it as cheering me up for what I did! It was a mistake and nothing to cheer about. I am not proud of it and never will be. I know you said that women abuse men as well. Yes, they do. My husband and I did lots of mistakes and it started with his criticism. When you hear every single day how dumb you are - not only by saying you are dumb - but by questioning everything you do and ways you do it, when everything is your fault, then one day you start protecting yourself. When things between us escalated, I called him names. I could not stand what was happening. When he called me names and put me down, or my family, I slapped his cheek. This did not happened often. Maybe once or twice and it was not strong. However, it was wrong. My husband had always an anger issues and when I pushed his buttons, he often grabbed me, pushed me, or simply slapped me. I asked him nicely not to come closer to me, but that's what he did, he would come close to me, or started to touch me. I don't know if this was his way to intimidate me. Who knows...But, non of this was as bad as his put down, name callings, questioning my own sanity, telling me how I will be no one without him, who would want me... This was before our marriage counseling. But I guess I never let it go completely. I don't call him names or touch him inappropriately anymore. He calls me names from time to time, but his criticism did not stop. It is still there and I am tired of it. Maybe I do overreact now. Who knows. But what I wanted to say about that abuse part is...I am 5'2, 126 pounds. My husband is little over 6 feet and about 250 pounds. His feet, his hands ...everything is double size of me. I don't believe I could really hurt him as much as he could hurt me. I know I hurt him by saing I want divorce years ago...I am sorry about that. I am sorry about lots of things that was said and he knows that. When it comes to OM...there are days when I really miss him. I realized maybe it is that feeling to want to love someone, that desire to kiss and be kissed. I know it was very naive to think it was love on his part...I hoped and was in denial about it. When I feel bad, my thought go back to him...I know that is crazy. I realized I do that often...It is when I don't want to deal with reality. I read somewhere about wearing a rubber band on a wrist and to pull it each time your thoughts go wrong way or when you do something wrong. It teaches you to relate it with a pain. I am going to work on that. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Hope Shimmers Posted October 16, 2014 Share Posted October 16, 2014 When you hear every single day how dumb you are - not only by saying you are dumb - but by questioning everything you do and ways you do it, when everything is your fault, then one day you start protecting yourself. Yes, I know all about that. It's called emotional abuse. When things between us escalated, I called him names. I could not stand what was happening. When he called me names and put me down, or my family, I slapped his cheek. This did not happened often. Maybe once or twice and it was not strong. I did this a couple of times too. However, it was wrong. No. What your husband did was wrong. My husband had always an anger issues and when I pushed his buttons, he often grabbed me, pushed me, or simply slapped me. This is the crap that my ex-H did to me, saying that I "pushed his buttons". You did no such thing. The issue is HIS ANGER. I asked him nicely not to come closer to me, but that's what he did, he would come close to me, or started to touch me. I don't know if this was his way to intimidate me. Who knows...But, non of this was as bad as his put down, name callings, questioning my own sanity, telling me how I will be no one without him, who would want me... Same thing that I put up with for decades. It is SO hard. Especially when you have kids, and when he wears you down to the point that you almost believe him. But what I wanted to say about that abuse part is...I am 5'2, 126 pounds. My husband is little over 6 feet and about 250 pounds. His feet, his hands ...everything is double size of me. I don't believe I could really hurt him as much as he could hurt me. Size doesn't matter, but yes, he can overpower you. I'm 5'6" and about 130 pounds and my ex-H is an inch taller and about 200 pounds. When it comes to OM...there are days when I really miss him. I realized maybe it is that feeling to want to love someone, that desire to kiss and be kissed. You are a human being. It's normal to want that and seek it out. It is horrible to spend decades in a marriage that sucks the emotional life out of you. For me, the end of my marriage was one day when he chose to hit me in places that would show (my face - he had never done that before and it was something I used as justification to stay in the M) and he raped me. Enough. Link to post Share on other sites
Hope Shimmers Posted October 16, 2014 Share Posted October 16, 2014 I just find it insane how all these people who cheat never want to admit it to their husbands/wives. They just come up with some excuse to justify why they don't tell their spouse. That's just really evil. There's absolutely no excuse not to admit you cheated I don't care what you say. Having them find out from someone else just makes things even worse. Have all of you who replied to this post actually lived in this kind of a marriage for many years? Because I think that only people in this situation should give opinions that are relevant. Link to post Share on other sites
Appreciate Posted October 16, 2014 Share Posted October 16, 2014 It's not insane when an abuser is likely to beat, maim or kill a person (or persons) over it. Aside from that, abusers don't deserve the truth anyway. However, I have an extremely jaded view of abusers and basically consider them sub-human -- just so you know where I stand on this one. In this case, there was actual abuse. Keep in mind that waywards will often make up lies and exaggerations about their spouses in order to deflect blame. They will even say that their partners abused them, when it is in fact not true. Or they will try to goad their partners into a fight or a divorce in order not to do the dirty work of being the "bad guy". This is common and is in its own right a form of abuse. But they'll never admit to that because they feel justified in what they are doing. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
revelations Posted October 17, 2014 Share Posted October 17, 2014 Hello back! Revelation, I did not take it as cheering me up for what I did! It was a mistake and nothing to cheer about. I am not proud of it and never will be. I know you said that women abuse men as well. Yes, they do. My husband and I did lots of mistakes and it started with his criticism. When you hear every single day how dumb you are - not only by saying you are dumb - but by questioning everything you do and ways you do it, when everything is your fault, then one day you start protecting yourself. When things between us escalated, I called him names. I could not stand what was happening. When he called me names and put me down, or my family, I slapped his cheek. This did not happened often. Maybe once or twice and it was not strong. However, it was wrong. My husband had always an anger issues and when I pushed his buttons, he often grabbed me, pushed me, or simply slapped me. I asked him nicely not to come closer to me, but that's what he did, he would come close to me, or started to touch me. I don't know if this was his way to intimidate me. Who knows...But, non of this was as bad as his put down, name callings, questioning my own sanity, telling me how I will be no one without him, who would want me... This was before our marriage counseling. But I guess I never let it go completely. I don't call him names or touch him inappropriately anymore. He calls me names from time to time, but his criticism did not stop. It is still there and I am tired of it. Maybe I do overreact now. Who knows. But what I wanted to say about that abuse part is...I am 5'2, 126 pounds. My husband is little over 6 feet and about 250 pounds. His feet, his hands ...everything is double size of me. I don't believe I could really hurt him as much as he could hurt me. I know I hurt him by saing I want divorce years ago...I am sorry about that. I am sorry about lots of things that was said and he knows that. When it comes to OM...there are days when I really miss him. I realized maybe it is that feeling to want to love someone, that desire to kiss and be kissed. I know it was very naive to think it was love on his part...I hoped and was in denial about it. When I feel bad, my thought go back to him...I know that is crazy. I realized I do that often...It is when I don't want to deal with reality. I read somewhere about wearing a rubber band on a wrist and to pull it each time your thoughts go wrong way or when you do something wrong. It teaches you to relate it with a pain. I am going to work on that. Truthfully I was very happy to see that you owned your own part in the cheating and the abuse. Please do not get me wrong I was not coming down on you about owning your own actions. I was telling others that cheering you for cheating was wrong. From what I read on your posts you had painted a very good picture that both you and your husband were abusive to each other. To me it is the abuse that has to stop, both physically and emotionally. Like you stated, your husband is a lot bigger and stronger than you are, so the physical damage that you can cause may not be very much (unless you catch him when he is not looking). However the same can be said about you when it comes to emotional abuse. I don't know about your husband, however I know myself that this is an area that I have very little ability to protect myself in. Sometimes emotional abuse can be very subtle like comparing your husband physically with an ex and telling your husband where he comes up short. Other times it is direct, such as cheating. However the main thing is that if you two love each other you have to give up on the idea of hurting each other and getting even. You don't take revenge on someone you love, you walk away if the one you love is abusing you. I would suggest that you two get into some marriage counseling and work on these issues. I would also suggest that once in counseling that you do tell your husband that you cheated. However you may want to have a place to stay at for a few weeks while he cools down. Now I suggest telling him if you are going to stay with him. The reason is that things will be much worse if he finds out about the cheating 10 years from now. He will feel like you robbed him of making an informed decision that has effected his life. However if your not going to stay with him, then it is best to just leave. Truthfully I have the feeling that you want to stay. So this means stop hurting him and do your best to clean up your side of the street. I will say that you are off to a good start in the sense that you have owned up to your own mistakes. Only trouble is that you have not come totally clean with your husband yet. However it is probably best to wait until your in front of an MC first before doing that. So I will say that you are taking some very big steps already that most don't take. Now please don't get me wrong, I will very seldom have a nice word to say about a cheater. To me cheaters, men or women are some of the worst lifeforms there are and I have little to no respect for them. To me there is no excuse for cheating, none at all. The way I also look at it is that once the cheating has occurred then the marriage contract is broken and both are free to bang whoever they want. However if the one that did the cheating is trying to save the marriage then I would suggest cutting some slack if the betrayed party gets a little on the side. After all the cheater had their fun, so why should the betrayed be expected to just suck it up. Most people do not agree with my perspective, however my perspective is what it is due to being involved with some very cold and ruthless women. Just know that I do give credit where it is due, and for you that is owning your mistakes. However I would suggest trying to figure out why you miss the OM so much. It is very difficult to convince your husband that you want to stay with him when he can see that you miss being with the OM. So I wish you the best of luck and remember, give up on the whole revenge thing and instead figure out how to compensate your husband for the actions that you have taken against him. You will never start healing while you or your husband is busy taking revenge on each other. Link to post Share on other sites
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