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I cheated on my husband


Letitsnow

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We do have your side of the story, but not that from your H.

 

If the situation were reversed and he cheated on you, would you want to know?

 

I would want you to know so that you could be tested for stds, and know what kind of person was your spouse.

 

Good luck to you, but you will not find happiness with the OM. Get him out of your life. (and get tested to make sure that you do not have any surprises)

 

It does hurt a spouse when they find out because of stds.

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Telling your 'husband' is fore sure the right thing to do. You made a choice to sleep with someone else; meaning you pretty much used your marriage to wipe you arse; maybe out of anger or because you are not happy in your relationship to begin with; maybe you were never really happy. Now he should be informed and be free to decide the future of your marriage.

 

Honestly my theory is that 99% of the time when someone cheats (in hiding) it is because they lost connection with their spouse.

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While I agree that her behavior was less than sterling, particularly in regards to her own self-respect, the truth is her husband is abusvie and, as far as I'm concerned, he lost all rights at that point. So, while I have zero sympathy for him, I do feel bad that this girl has such a low opinion of herself that she would stay in her marriage, and do this stuff with the other guy. Not many women could do this and feel good about themselves. I'm mostly saddened that she has let herself come to this. It's time to change all that and develop some new standards for herself.

 

That's putting it mildly. If she's being abused, the thing to do is get out of the abusive relationship, THEN move on to another guy, hopefully someone who respects her more than this jerk.

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Sorry I don't reply as often as I should.

I was asked about STD testing... I got that done a couple weeks after it happened . I didn't sleep with my Husband much, but when I did, I made sure it was with protection. I would not want to give him anything I could possibly have and risk his health. My results came back negative.

Some of you keep saying that after my H abused me, he doesn't deserve much.. I don't see it that way. Yes, I stopped feeling what I suppose to feel for him, but he didn't deserve to be cheated on. That's on me, my fault only.

Years back, when it was at its worst, I hoped to meet someone that I would fall for and thanks to that also find a strength to leave my H. It sounds so stupid and naive now. I guess I watched too many fairy tales and romantic movies...

 

About OM... He keeps popping in my head from time to time. Especially when I have to 'ask' gfor my husband's attention.

 

ALSO, If my parents marriage was toxic, how can I know what is normal in normal marriage? How do I know when I am asking for normal things, or when I want too much of him?

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While I agree that her behavior was less than sterling, particularly in regards to her own self-respect, the truth is her husband is abusvie and, as far as I'm concerned, he lost all rights at that point. So, while I have zero sympathy for him, I do feel bad that this girl has such a low opinion of herself that she would stay in her marriage, and do this stuff with the other guy. Not many women could do this and feel good about themselves. I'm mostly saddened that she has let herself come to this. It's time to change all that and develop some new standards for herself.

 

I don't agree. I feel if she is sick of not getting attention from her husband and he is abusive they should have gone to counseling or file for divorce. There is never an excuse to cheat. I still think she should file for divorce because she is still hung up on the other man. OM will not leave his wife so more than likely OP will stay with her H as to not be alone. OP do you have a job? If not, why not? You need to become more independent so you don't have to depend on men to build your self-esteem but yourself. You need to be alone until you figure out what and who you want.

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I'm sure my answer will piss off most people here but, first of all, I applaud you for cheating on your abusive husband. Who gives a fig about this worm that you describe as physically and emotionally abusive. I suggest that you not EVER tell him about your affair because he will probably kill you -- literally. Aside from that, anyone who thinks an abusuve person deserves anything -- the truth, faithfulness, or whatever -- they don't. He got everything he deserves. No pity for him at all.

 

 

 

Ummm... yeah, you need to go back and re-read the OP post and I mean REALLY re-read them. She admitted that she called him names and smacked him too. So, the emotional and physical abuse are swinging both ways here in this case. No one is innocent here.

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Husband's abuse is real:

  • always telling me how to do things and when.
  • started to criticize me on a daily basis
  • put me down in front of another people
  • pushed me to the floor, sat on my back and told me to put that ring back on
  • grabbed me by back of my neck
  • screamed like crazy in car and asked me if he should slap some sense into me
  • found funny to jump on car’s break so I would hit my head
  • grabbed me or slapped my cheeks
  • I did not call my husband names any longer, but he still did even front of our close friends. He did not mind to put me down or get angry and loud for a little things.
  • used to tell me. “Who would want you?!”

WS's co-dependence is real and associative circumstances:

  • dad was and still is the alcoholic
  • mom is pretty much doormat not just to him, but to my siblings
  • husband ... was always telling me how to do things and when. ...I liked that leader- treatment from him.
  • always felt that his actions were my fault and I simply provoked him to react the way he did.
  • this is why I know that part of it was my fault. I should not call him names at the first place or push him.
  • I became depressed ... I felt very lonely and miserable. She helped me a lot back then.
  • always had this terrible feeling that no one would love me or like me if I left my husband.
  • not my husband’s or OM fault- it is only my own mistake.
  • I think little more and tell myself – If I loved someone, I would not tell them through message but face to face if it meant anything to me. And by thinking of this, I am getting confused more and more. I am over thinking…But this is me.

Just wondering about the allusions to arranged marriages... What cultural influences are at play here? What are the cultural role models? I lived in Southeast Asia for ten years or more all tolled and the expectations are, well, just different. You can't judge them by Western values. You just can't.

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Husband's abuse is real:

  • always telling me how to do things and when.
  • started to criticize me on a daily basis
  • put me down in front of another people
  • pushed me to the floor, sat on my back and told me to put that ring back on
  • grabbed me by back of my neck
  • screamed like crazy in car and asked me if he should slap some sense into me
  • found funny to jump on car’s break so I would hit my head
  • grabbed me or slapped my cheeks
  • I did not call my husband names any longer, but he still did even front of our close friends. He did not mind to put me down or get angry and loud for a little things.
  • used to tell me. “Who would want you?!”

WS's co-dependence is real and associative circumstances:

  • dad was and still is the alcoholic
  • mom is pretty much doormat not just to him, but to my siblings
  • husband ... was always telling me how to do things and when. ...I liked that leader- treatment from him.
  • always felt that his actions were my fault and I simply provoked him to react the way he did.
  • this is why I know that part of it was my fault. I should not call him names at the first place or push him.
  • I became depressed ... I felt very lonely and miserable. She helped me a lot back then.
  • always had this terrible feeling that no one would love me or like me if I left my husband.
  • not my husband’s or OM fault- it is only my own mistake.
  • I think little more and tell myself – If I loved someone, I would not tell them through message but face to face if it meant anything to me. And by thinking of this, I am getting confused more and more. I am over thinking…But this is me.

Just wondering about the allusions to arranged marriages... What cultural influences are at play here? What are the cultural role models? I lived in Southeast Asia for ten years or more all tolled and the expectations are, well, just different. You can't judge them by Western values. You just can't.

 

 

 

She wasn't and angel either early in the marriage. She even admits it. But, I thought I read that these two have been going to counseling and have been working on these issues with this toxic relationship? She even wrote that he's not THAT man anymore.

 

 

Look, I'm not defending his past actions. He was a douche rocket to do those things to begin with and the first time he was violent, she should have been gone. But, she decided to stay and work the issues that they BOTH had. And, from what she's written, massive progress has been made.

 

 

Sorry, but I'm not going to be quite about people telling her that she was justified in cheating on him due to his PAST actions. Not his ONGOING actions, PAST actions. Hell, she's even tell US her cheating was 100% on her. We should be telling HER that! Not the other way around!

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We do have your side of the story, but not that from your H.

 

If the situation were reversed and he cheated on you, would you want to know?

 

I would want you to know so that you could be tested for stds, and know what kind of person was your spouse.

 

Good luck to you, but you will not find happiness with the OM. Get him out of your life. (and get tested to make sure that you do not have any surprises)

 

It does hurt a spouse when they find out because of stds.

 

I am not sure if I wanted to know if my husband cheated...When I imagine him with someone else, I don't feel much. I don't feel anger for sure. Sometimes I wish he would find someone to be happy with and this way I would not have to hurt his feelings even more.

 

I was tested very soon after. My tests came back negative and I was using protection while waiting. I would not want to share any mess with my H.

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summerdowling87

Why did he say I miss someone if he can’t even reply to my message? Why does he even start any convo if does not want to talk?

 

SEX....

 

Your H is physically and mentally abusive and you OM seems to be an abusive sex pig.

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I don't agree. I feel if she is sick of not getting attention from her husband and he is abusive they should have gone to counseling or file for divorce. There is never an excuse to cheat. I still think she should file for divorce because she is still hung up on the other man. OM will not leave his wife so more than likely OP will stay with her H as to not be alone. OP do you have a job? If not, why not? You need to become more independent so you don't have to depend on men to build your self-esteem but yourself. You need to be alone until you figure out what and who you want.

 

We did counseling together for a several sessions. Then I went on my own and I still go every month.

My husband is not physically abusive anymore. We treat each other better even though he calls me a cow, an idiot, or such names sometimes. He did not stop with sarcastic remarks, some put downs. He likes his control and confronts me when he feels like I want too much. Just like the other day when I wanted to get a notification emails from our bank account. His question was why and he was not very happy in general. He likes to order online and I guess now I will know more than he likes me to.

 

I do have a full time job plus taking some classes at a college. I don't make much though.

 

OM has no wife or gf I know of. He said he is too picky. He has never been married.

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summerdowling87

ALSO, If my parents marriage was toxic, how can I know what is normal in normal marriage?

 

My parents had a bad marriage my father was abusive and a cheater.

 

I refused to put up with either why? Because I deserve better and my mother left my father so she won't accept me accepting that life she left.

 

A person can only treat you how you allow them to.

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Husband's abuse is real:

  • always telling me how to do things and when.
  • started to criticize me on a daily basis
  • put me down in front of another people
  • pushed me to the floor, sat on my back and told me to put that ring back on
  • grabbed me by back of my neck
  • screamed like crazy in car and asked me if he should slap some sense into me
  • found funny to jump on car’s break so I would hit my head
  • grabbed me or slapped my cheeks
  • I did not call my husband names any longer, but he still did even front of our close friends. He did not mind to put me down or get angry and loud for a little things.
  • used to tell me. “Who would want you?!”

WS's co-dependence is real and associative circumstances:

  • dad was and still is the alcoholic
  • mom is pretty much doormat not just to him, but to my siblings
  • husband ... was always telling me how to do things and when. ...I liked that leader- treatment from him.
  • always felt that his actions were my fault and I simply provoked him to react the way he did.
  • this is why I know that part of it was my fault. I should not call him names at the first place or push him.
  • I became depressed ... I felt very lonely and miserable. She helped me a lot back then.
  • always had this terrible feeling that no one would love me or like me if I left my husband.
  • not my husband’s or OM fault- it is only my own mistake.
  • I think little more and tell myself – If I loved someone, I would not tell them through message but face to face if it meant anything to me. And by thinking of this, I am getting confused more and more. I am over thinking…But this is me.

Just wondering about the allusions to arranged marriages... What cultural influences are at play here? What are the cultural role models? I lived in Southeast Asia for ten years or more all tolled and the expectations are, well, just different. You can't judge them by Western values. You just can't.

 

My marriage was not arranged. It was just "natural" next step after dating for couple of years. I was just too young to know what I am doing and what marriage is really about. And yes, I do have some co-dependency issues. Hard time to let go anything in my life.

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And all this didn't cue you in to what kind of man you were dealing with?

Wow! All this guy was EVER interested in was using you for sex. Husband know about your little dalliance yet. What do you think will happen when he discovers that he's married to a betrayer of the worst kind, every married man's nightmare? God, I feel bad for him!

 

It did and it did not. I wanted to believe his words. I guess you can call it emotionally retarded. I never dated anyone besides my husband. I just hoped OM is who he pretended to be. I felt wanted with him and I was also very attracted to him. I don't feel this for my husband anymore.

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I guess the next logical question then is, why don't you just bail. Get out of it. Divorce the guy and move on. Why are you staying if you have absolutely no desire for him? It doesn't make sense, at least to me. I, of course, have no idea what reasons you have.

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OM has no wife or gf I know of. He said he is too picky. He has never been married.

 

No, he's lying. Women are picky and see through his abuse. He's alone because women don't want him.

 

Dear, you need counseling. You need a better perspective on how good men treat women. These men are gross and yet you're still associating with them? I'm not sure what you need but you have a lot of learning to do. A lot of women would have left these fools alone a long time ago, why, because they know there are better man out there.

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  • 2 weeks later...
I wrote on this forum before and received great advice. However, I was asking about another man while being married to someone else. It was something I was not brave enough to say and face your harsh comments. I understand that after reading this I will get what I deserve and I do not blame you. My husband did not make me cheat on him. It was my inability to deal with all of our problems before all of it happened. It was my fault; my selfishness.

 

Long story short. I married my husband at very young age. He was my first and only boyfriend. I did not even kiss anyone before. Year after year, our marriage was getting worse from emotional to physical abuse. My husband and I lost respect for each other. I was not even 30 and felt lost and lonely. When I told my husband how I felt, he always laughed and said that I do have problem in my head, because he is happy with our marriage. I still remember his sarcastic laugh. I asked for going into therapy, he laughed again.

 

When I met a man I was talking about on this forum; everything seemed so messy even though my husband and I were trying to do better.

This other man was very sweet through his messages. I told him right away I was married, but our conversations did not stop. I liked his attention, his sweet words. I did not think how much I can hurt my husband with my actions. After some time, I met him in person. I was very much attracted to him. He kissed me after very short time, but when he pulled his ... out, I simply left. One would think, that normal married person would never meet him or never come back. I did.

 

I told him I can't sleep with him, but I loved his company. I overlooked everything from pulling his ... out on each date to playful slapping my face. Each time we met he was trying to push for sex which actually happened after 5th date. He said my "stop" was not loud enough.

Looking back, I was falling for him besides being naive and very selfish. I cared for him and all I could think of was him.

This guy said he wants to marry me before actually knowing me. How naive can you be not to see it like a red flag?

How naive can you be not to see it when someone tells you how much they miss you while asking for sexy pictures over and over again even though your refused before? How naive you have to be when someone texts you they love you before even dating you?

Each time when I felt something was wrong, I did opposite of what part of me wanted to do.

After sex, all of his texting stopped for about 3 months. I tried to forget him, but never really did. Then he started to text again with compliments, miss yous. And again - I was happy.

I asked myself many times that if he misses me so much, why he won't stay in touch? Why his messages are 3 words long?

 

Ten months passed and he was back in his town. He said he wants to see me very much. I asked him if sex was not involved, if he wanted to see me...He said yes but then added that he likes sex and it makes him sad that I want to be his friend only. He also said he loves me but he knows he will never get a chance to be with me.

Last time we met, he was talking about our future, how he wants to have kids with me. He said girls are stupid, but I am different...He was just like always-charming while pushing for sex. I refused. He told me he does not know what I want from him. He said I don't want sex, I don't want or can't date him.

 

I honestly don't get myself. What am I doing? Why am I this terribly selfish and unfair towards my husband? He does not deserve this.

Then I also wonder why can't I let go of this other man? He texts once in a while stuff like...I am sad without you..but when I reply, he won't. He keeps saying he misses me...then won't talk again.

Maybe this whole time, I was just paranoid about this OM. Maybe he was not playing games and I just don't understand point of his view. Who knows. Maybe I am the bad guy after all.

I want to let go of him even though I do have feelings for him. I do not want to hurt my husband anymore. I wish everything what happened between me and this other man would never happened. But it's too late now. What would you do?

 

 

You already know that you are hurting your husband. I don't even care that you have cheated on your husband.

 

 

My main concern is that this "lover", so to speak, is abusing you. In all respects, he is not a "lover", but an abuser. You are setting boundaries that he does not respect. You say that this man was kinder to you than your husband, but he is abusing your boundaries and has no respect for you. I would almost say that you let him abuse his power over you because you have no respect for yourself. This man is using you because you are in a very vulnerable and fragile part of your life emotionally and mentally. Due to your husband's lack of emotionally intimacy with you, you seem to have gravitated towards the first man that would be nice to you, but this man has deceived you. I can't get over the idea of him pulling out his ... on a first "date". This man gets off disrespecting you, and most likely, has done it to other women. It wouldn't surprise me if he has no respect for all women; I would run. And run fast.

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If she is emotionally abusive, she needs to get help for that so she isn't, but there is NO EXCUSE for a man becoming physically abusive toward a woman. NONE.

Nope.

 

You state that their is no excuse for a man to become physically abusive. However with a woman being emotionally abusive you simply dismiss it as she needs to just get help. So I guess in your eyes a man is not worth saving, however let's pull out all the stops to save that woman.

 

The reason I find people like you to be such a joke is because of your double standards. I don't care if she is doing the hitting or emotional abuse or if the guy is, either case it is wrong. They both hurt and they can both leave permanent scars. News flash for you, MEN FEEL PAIN. We may not show it all the time, however we do hurt. I also find you to be despicable to try and cherry pick what I had wrote in an attempt to insinuate that I condone domestic violence or violence at all.

Originally Posted by revelations viewpost.gif

Now to everyone else on here that is berating the OP's husband because he got violent in the past you should really learn how to read better. Letitsnow said that she provoked her husband into hitting her. No that does not excuse violence, however it does place it in context.

I have had women try everything they can think of to provoke me, however I walked away. I walked away because no woman is worth serving jail time over. However it is often over looked or even ignored on here that men also get physically abused by their wives. Yes it does happen, it has happened to me. Do you know what a cops response to it is? They spent months coming over to my place at all hours of the night trying to find some way to prove I was the one doing the abusing. I was told by the cops "Your a man and you can handle it". It is because of things like this and ridiculous people like you pteromom that I will not let a woman into my house unless she is an old friend or relative. The one thing that people need to learn is that women need to be held accountable for their actions. I'll give credit to Letitsnow in that she at least tries to be responsible for her actions.

 

I get tired of all this crap that because he is a man he is always guilty and never the woman. Oh yea the guy is an idiot and smacks his wife, then the gloves are off and she is free and clear to do whatever she wants to him. However she bangs another guy and it is always the guy's fault, even if it was just not giving her enough attention. Yes women keep doing crap like this then come back and ask me why they can't get a guy to go on more than two dates with them. Guess what ladies, guys are wising up to your crap and the bias courts and men do know how to solve problems. Once a man sees you as a problem then staying away from you is the best way to solve that problem. So when I look into my crystal ball I see a lot of women with cats, wine and anti-depressants.

 

So let me take you back to kindergarten rules.

It is not okay to hit another person even if you are a girl.

It is not okay to emotionally abuse another person even if you are a girl. GOT IT?

Oh and just because you got emotionally abused or physically abused it does not give you the right to do it back even if you are a girl.

Only blocking so you can get away is okay when being hit. GOT IT?

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Now read those words a few times and let them sink in. No free pass no matter if your a guy or a woman. I can live by this, can you?

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I'm sure my answer will piss off most people here but, first of all, I applaud you for cheating on your abusive husband. Who gives a fig about this worm that you describe as physically and emotionally abusive. I suggest that you not EVER tell him about your affair because he will probably kill you -- literally. Aside from that, anyone who thinks an abusuve person deserves anything -- the truth, faithfulness, or whatever -- they don't. He got everything he deserves. No pity for him at all.

 

However....you have traded one jerk for another. What you need to do is remove both of these idiots from your life and spend a couple of years alone fixing yourself. Because only someone with the lowest opinion of themselves would post a story like this and not see all the glaring problems with it, that first begin with your lack of self-love and low expectations of men.

 

This guy that you're talking about is a complete jerk. 100%. Do you get that? Do you see how you diminish yourself by being even the slightest bit tolerant of his actions? Do you see how someone in his shoes could so easily use you because all he has to do is tell you what you want to hear?

 

It would serve you best to understand that there are a lot of good men out there and, even if you were abused as a child and abused in your marriage, you can pull yourself out of this tailspin that your life is in. Please try to heal yourself and know that you are a valuable and lovable person; that you should never settle for anything less than a man who genuinely loves you back; one who doesn't inflict harm on you and one who doesn't disappear for months on end.

 

You applaud her for cheating on her husband? Jesus Christ people. Think before you type. She is in an abusive relationship? Yeah, that IS bad. But why applaud adultery? It makes you hard to take seriously. Nobodies behavior in this scenario should be "applauded". So yeah, nip that whole thing in the butt right now because it sounds utterly ridiculous. You don't applaud someone for cheating, just like you don't applaud someone for abusing someone else. Your entire rant here is contradicted by the whole "I applaud you for doing a horrible thing to someone who is also horrible!"

Edited by Spectre
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However it is often over looked or even ignored on here that men also get physically abused by their wives. Yes it does happen, it has happened to me. Do you know what a cops response to it is? They spent months coming over to my place at all hours of the night trying to find some way to prove I was the one doing the abusing. I was told by the cops "Your a man and you can handle it". It is because of things like this and ridiculous people like you pteromom that I will not let a woman into my house unless she is an old friend or relative. The one thing that people need to learn is that women need to be held accountable for their actions.

 

Statistically women report abuse in 32% of relationships. Men report abuse in 27% of relationship. Now modify these statistics.. while abuse gets unreported in a lot of instances, men are more prone to not report abuse, and in many situations a man 200 pound man who reports that his wife of 130 pounds hit or threw something at him is not believed or laughed at.

 

Abuse is abuse. Period. End of story.

 

Having an affair and blaming abuse for her actions is simple blame-shifting. If you are abused by your spouse, you S or D them. Or you get counseling. Or you get the police involved. Abuse is no excuse for an affair.

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These are actors that did an experiment that shows just how people will respond to a man getting physically abused by a woman in public.

 

Domestic Abuse In Public!! (Social Experiment) - YouTube

 

Women think that have it hard today? Really?

 

Try this on for size ladies. Get hit, you know physically abused. Try and report it only to have the cops laugh at you. Have the same cops show up and your house for months at all hours of the night trying to find anything they can to pin the domestic violence on you. Get told by the same cops that if you defend yourself or your attacker gets hurt in anyway while attacking you that you will go to jail.

 

This is why I will not have another relationship with a woman. I hear women all the time complain that they cannot find a man. Their is a reason and it is in the mirror in front of you ladies. Most women I have known are self-entitled, demanding, spoiled brats that have big daddy gov. protect them and grant them their every whim. I don't hate women, I just call them out on their crap. You know like the ones that have posted on this thread.

 

To the people here that are cheering this woman for cheating, or cheering anyone who is physically or emotionally abusing another person, man or woman. You should be ashamed of yourself. Thankfully I do not have to put up with your crap anymore because I am single and free. That is right, no wife, better life. I will be able to remain happy free and single until the day comes that women figure out how to get big daddy gov. to force men into getting married. Thankfully this has not happened yet. However you women keep doing what your doing. Yes make your demands, cheat on your men, keep hitting your men then having them arrested. Then keep writing articles asking "Where have all the good men gone". I can tell you where I have gone. I have gone fishing at the lake.

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That is what boggles the mind, the people cheering this person on. Let us just ignore the overwhelming fact that two wrongs don't make a right. Ignoring all that, this guy is abusive. What do people think someone like that would do if he found out he was cheated on? So, if the guy found out and beats this girl down for it, will people still be "applauding" her cheating?

 

I think any kind of abuse is horrible. If you are being abused then leave. Yes, I realize some people are too afraid to leave someone abusing them, but then by that logic they should also be way too afraid to ever cross this person or cheat on them. So if you have the fortitude to cheat you have the fortitude to walk away. Simple as that.

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You know, cheating won't get you out of an abusive relationship. In fact it's probably getting you into a few more; "relationships" and "friendships" with guys who know what they want from you. Turning around and moving on does help though.

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I just find it insane how all these people who cheat never want to admit it to their husbands/wives. They just come up with some excuse to justify why they don't tell their spouse. That's just really evil. There's absolutely no excuse not to admit you cheated I don't care what you say. Having them find out from someone else just makes things even worse.

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You applaud her for cheating on her husband? Jesus Christ people. Think before you type. She is in an abusive relationship? Yeah, that IS bad. But why applaud adultery? It makes you hard to take seriously. Nobodies behavior in this scenario should be "applauded". So yeah, nip that whole thing in the butt right now because it sounds utterly ridiculous. You don't applaud someone for cheating, just like you don't applaud someone for abusing someone else. Your entire rant here is contradicted by the whole "I applaud you for doing a horrible thing to someone who is also horrible!"

 

My point is that abusers deserve no respect and it's an 'all bets off' situation, as far as I'm concerned. I think the abuser deserve whatever the abused person dishes out because the abuser is a huge reason why the situation transpired in the first place; i.e., not only are they a part of that dance, they also choose the music.

 

Her cheating on him was a form of rebellion so, therefore, a step toward getting away from him -- that was the reason for me saying that I applauded her for it. Would it have been better not to cheat and just leave? Of course. Would the cheating hurt him? Who cares? Her true consideration should have been for her own self-respect -- which would be to not cheat, get the heck out of there, etc.

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