I still have moments and questions

[idkwsstf]

I'm very appreciative of all this input. I guess in telling my story it was in part to just get it out of me. Sure I could have just written it down in a journal,and a little bit of me wishes I had. Like most things I'm learning not to act on emotion

 

I did explain in detail a lot about the affair, not to brag, but to explain how 2 unlikely people end up having an affair. I was happily married!! You can say, no you weren’t because if you were you would have never, but I really truly was and even I don’t have an excuse for my behavior just that I was weak and really how pathetic is that for an excuse? Very! He goes to church every Sunday and is the "family man". So as you can see it is very possible for 2 very unlikely people to do this.

 

The other thing I've realized is how I lost myself in this affair. It's like an addiction. (Even my counselor said that is very common in affairs) You don’t share bills, parenting, regular problems with this person, you only share the best of yourself and that’s what you get in return. The perfect recipe for addiction to someone. I wanted so badly for him to be who I thought he was, who he said he was, who I wanted him to be, and in the end it was all an illusion. Which HELLO if he’s cheating on his wife with me, that should have told me everything I needed to know, but sadly I did it anyway.

 

I really wish the day my H went to tell his W she would have been home. For one she wouldn’t have gotten so many details in my letter (not sex details btw) Regardless, It played out like it did in the end for me to tell her myself. I did give her my #, so she could ask me anything and get an honest answer. By now I realized the OM was out to save his own ass so she probably would never know everything. So when she text with a question, no problem, but when she text me a couple of days later to say she couldn’t believe I did this to her home and family and for me never to contact her or her husband I was annoyed. In my letter I said I would never contact them again however if she had questions here is my #. So in that moment I reacted out of anger and sent her a picture.I regret it, it was mean. I cant ever be mad at his W, and I know she has every right to hate and be mad at me. I see how my H hates the OM and totally get it

 

Now that it's all said and done, the A, telling my H, telling his W. I want to move forward. My H and I are in counseling, I have no contact at all with the OM. I've known the whole time I have a great husband, its just now that I'mreally appreciating it. Not taking our marriage or him for granted. Realizing he's the one who will be by my side come hell or high water!! I love him very much and know he deserves more than what I've given him. Everyday I do what Ican to show him I'm sorry and will do whatever it takes to get us back to a good place. I've read that some marriages survive Infidelity and are even stronger than before. I want to be that statistic

 

This is all still very fresh, so at home even a normal fight about a bill orthe kids feels more intense. It's like the A cloud is upon us and is verypresent.

 

This was a very long affair, so I do wonder how things are at his home; Iwonder what he thinks about me telling his wife. We spoke everyday; saw eachother at least once a week if not more. So even though its over, I'm dealingwith the emotions of a break up. Not because I want to, but because I'm human.

 

I hope whoever does read this and has their thoughts can see that Yes me,the OW is 50% to blame for this A, but him the OM is the other half of that. I did reach out to him after almost every break up, but he did too. He told me he loved me all the time and if things were different I would be his wife. I read so many comments about me being the one to seek him out or pursue this, it wa b oth of us.

 

My husband knows the whole story, everything I wrote he knows. I'm not going to give him half ass answers after I've betrayed him. I know if I want to move forward I need to be honest no matter how ugly that is.

 

Of course there is so much to this, and so much more I could say. It’s hard to fit everything into a reply. If anyone does have questions for me please ask. I’m open to the criticism also, I know what I’ve done is bad and all I can do now is try and change who I am and become a better person. A person my children and husband and especially myself can respect.

Edited August 19, 2014 by idkwsstf

[Clay]

Sadly I really think this road is going to be very difficult for you. I have seem many people quickly try to just move on from this stuff but you truly. My xW cheated on me multiple times over the 10 years we were together. As time went I grew to hate her. There was nights that I just did not want to go home. I honestly felt sick daily that I had children with her. I can only imagine all the feelings your husband is going to go through. Finding out you had a relationship with someone else for five years wont be one he gets over easily. Your going to have to show true compassion and genuine remorse more than you have in your entire life. Even if the face of the worst of your arguments your about to have your going to have to own your mistake with no attitude at all. If you truly want to be with him your going to have to open yourself up to him in ways that could possibly hurt you in the end. This really is a gamble people take when cheating. The excitement is nothing compared to the fear of ending the real relationship.

 

Never defend yourself or the OM. If your husband wants to hunt him down today you are going to have to show him your on his side 1000% or he will pick up on your hesitation and feel your still with the OM.

 

I feel the most sorry for your kids and your Husband. It honestly sounds like you are really a selfish person. The only way I can see you changing that to help yourself in the long run is learning to give up everything. Once you really learn what it is like to loose everything you will start to see the value in having even the smallest things.

 

I wish you both the best but I have to be honest I do hope your husband moves on. I think the damage of a five year relationship on the side will be just to much for him to have to deal with.

[DKT3]

As a BH who tried and really wanted to stay in my marriage I can tell you that pure hell is coming. Right now his focus and anger are towards the OM. In time it will turn to himself as he trys to replay how he went wrong or what he could have done different maybe better to have prevented this from happening. But then, oh look out. You will be looking at his anger, rage, dissapointment (in you), and pure pain up close and personal as he turns it on you. As a BH my first thought, once that happened was sleeping with one or some of her close friends. I picked out one and moved in. I come close but in the end it just wasn't me, I couldn't do it.

 

Like Clay said, the love turned dissapoint then hatered. I got to the point that I thought I would rather just not have her around me at all. Like I couldn't breathe around her. She turned my stomach. Truth is most men will leave an unfaithful wife, it take on average about 10 months for it to happen but be prepared because its the most likely outcome.

 

Question is how do you plan to deal with this? How will you prevent him from blaming himself? How will you react when the rage and anger turns from OM to you? Do you love him enough to let him go? Or will you try and hold him back?

 

I went to a support group for BH once and one of the guys said to me "welcome to hell"

[James-London]

i get what you say about LT affairs being like a drug. you explain quite well about why this situation was addictive. one thing i wonder though is - did you not feel guilty about what you were doing? You don't really say much about any guilt you felt during those 5 years. It sounds like you became desensitised to the whole thing, that you had your procedures in place for hiding the truth, and you able to compartmentalise everything... right?

 

what amazes me is that you even valued your H throughout this whole A. Most people on here will at least revaluate their BS as somehow inadequate or not doing something right. What I'm wonder here is: do you really want to be married to your H? I know you think he is a great guy and a great father etc., and I'm sure he looks after you great - but he obviously does not really turn you on sexually or psychologically. He's just a really great guy.

 

Given this - why don't you divorce him? You cannot give him the love and devotion he deserves, and he clearly lacks the balls to divorce you. Also - do you not realise that you will cheat on him again?

 

just imagine things were different and you never had this A and you never met your H. Imagine instead that you married the OM. Would you have cheated on the OM too?

Edited August 25, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[anne1707]

i get what you say about LT affairs being like a drug. you explain quite well about why this situation was addictive. one thing i wonder though is - did you not feel guilty about what you were doing? You don't really say much about any guilt you felt during those 5 years. It sounds like you became desensitised to the whole thing, that you had your procedures in place for hiding the truth, and you able to compartmentalise everything... right?

 

Compartmentalising is very common in affairs.

 

what amazes me is that you even valued your H throughout this whole A. Most people on here will at least revaluate their BS as somehow inadequate or not doing something right. What I'm wonder here is: do you really want to be married to your H? I know you think he is a great guy and a great father etc., and I'm sure he looks after you great - but he obviously does not really turn you on sexually or psychologically. He's just a really great guy.

 

But the above is far from always true in affairs. WS do not always see their BS as inadequate or lacking. Quite often the WS will say that there is nothing wrong with the BS and that the marriage is OK - and mean it too.

 

Given this - why don't you divorce him? You cannot give him the love and devotion he deserves, and he clearly lacks the balls to divorce you. Also - do you not realise that you will cheat on him again?

 

Not necessarily true - the OP may well be able to give her husband the love and devotion he deserves and I do not see why you feel the need to attack the BS just because he is not doing what you want him to do. Also the line about once a cheater...., no that is not always the case.

 

just imagine things were different and you never had this A and you never met your H. Imagine instead that you married the OM. Would you have cheated on the OM too?

 

A more constructive question would be would you have had a relationship with the OM if she had been single.

Edited August 25, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[James-London]

If a WS is totally happy with his/her BS - in the sense that the BS is all that he/she needs and wants in a partner - why do they cheat?

 

if people are not looking for anything more than what they already have, why would they do it?

 

Maybe you will say they are really unhappy with themselves or how their life is going (apart from their AMAZING BS, of course)... well - OK. but would someone still cheat if: a) they were happy with their partner, and b) happy with their own life?

 

 

 

 

Compartmentalising is very common in affairs.

 

 

 

But the above is far from always true in affairs. WS do not always see their BS as inadequate or lacking. Quite often the WS will say that there is nothing wrong with the BS and that the marriage is OK - and mean it too.

 

 

 

Not necessarily true - the OP may well be able to give her husband the love and devotion he deserves and I do not see why you feel the need to attack the BS just because he is not doing what you want him to do. Also the line about once a cheater...., no that is not always the case.

 

 

 

A more constructive question would be would you have had a relationship with the OM if she had been single.

[anne1707]

If a WS is totally happy with his/her BS - in the sense that the BS is all that he/she needs and wants in a partner - why do they cheat?

 

if people are not looking for anything more than what they already have, why would they do it?

 

Maybe you will say they are really unhappy with themselves or how their life is going (apart from their AMAZING BS, of course)... well - OK. but would someone still cheat if: a) they were happy with their partner, and b) happy with their own life?

 

They often cheat because of their own personal inadequacies, coping skills, poor relationship skills, poor communication skills, .... And no none of it the fault of the BS who could be desperately trying to figure out why the marriage is such hardwork and making excuses for the WS's bad behaviour

[idkwsstf]

I did have many moments of guilt throughout the A. I broke it off early on when I knew even texting him while hiding the "friendship" at the time, but after seeing him I did reach out to him and we started talking again. One New Year's Day (not this past one) me and my H spent the day going through photo albums and the next day I broke it off with the OM. He text me a week later and that was always the back and forth we did.

 

It might not make sense to anyone at all, but because me and the OM always agreed we would never be together as a couple.... It was very easy to have fun family time with my H and kids. I was always in the moment during family time. Again people might think that's not possible, but it was. I think this is why my H was caught off guard when I confessed.

 

I'm not forcing my H to be with me, he has the good job, he's on the mortgage, the kids are mine.... He could end it with me if he wanted to and I would know its my fault for everything. We've been together 10 years, I had this A and I kept it such a secret we had a good happy marriage... My H has said its strange to even think I did this because all we've had has been good. So this is possibly why he is willing to try. I'm grateful he is and will do what he needs me to to gain his trust.

 

It's true, the price you pay the people you hurt is not worth the A.

 

I could have easily taken this secret to my grave, never hurt my H or family... The OM wife or family.... But looking at this now a couple of months from Dday, I'm glad he knows and has a choice. I'm glad the W knows and has choice.

 

I do agree I was selfish, I put my wants before my family.

 

I really wish I could answer the question why? Why do people cheat? I wish I could answer that for myself Maybe some people have a reason, in my case I don't.

 

After surfing this forum, I might have posted this under OW/OM and not been judged so harshly. I read posts there and can totally relate to how people feel while in the A.

 

In my original post I said when the BW only blames the OW that was the hardest part for me, I meant reading it here.... I see it over and over and over.... My H was weak to her, she would call him and it's her fault... On and on, I really can't believe how they see their H as a victim... They are adults with a choice. My OM brought me gifts, text me 1st ever morning, called in sick to plan days with me... Yes I did my part but so did he.

[DKT3]

I did have many moments of guilt throughout the A. I broke it off early on when I knew even texting him while hiding the "friendship" at the time, but after seeing him I did reach out to him and we started talking again. One New Year's Day (not this past one) me and my H spent the day going through photo albums and the next day I broke it off with the OM. He text me a week later and that was always the back and forth we did.

 

It might not make sense to anyone at all, but because me and the OM always agreed we would never be together as a couple.... It was very easy to have fun family time with my H and kids. I was always in the moment during family time. Again people might think that's not possible, but it was. I think this is why my H was caught off guard when I confessed.

 

I'm not forcing my H to be with me, he has the good job, he's on the mortgage, the kids are mine.... He could end it with me if he wanted to and I would know its my fault for everything. We've been together 10 years, I had this A and I kept it such a secret we had a good happy marriage... My H has said its strange to even think I did this because all we've had has been good. So this is possibly why he is willing to try. I'm grateful he is and will do what he needs me to to gain his trust.

 

It's true, the price you pay the people you hurt is not worth the A.

 

I could have easily taken this secret to my grave, never hurt my H or family... The OM wife or family.... But looking at this now a couple of months from Dday, I'm glad he knows and has a choice. I'm glad the W knows and has choice.

 

I do agree I was selfish, I put my wants before my family.

 

I really wish I could answer the question why? Why do people cheat? I wish I could answer that for myself Maybe some people have a reason, in my case I don't.

 

After surfing this forum, I might have posted this under OW/OM and not been judged so harshly. I read posts there and can totally relate to how people feel while in the A.

 

In my original post I said when the BW only blames the OW that was the hardest part for me, I meant reading it here.... I see it over and over and over.... My H was weak to her, she would call him and it's her fault... On and on, I really can't believe how they see their H as a victim... They are adults with a choice. My OM brought me gifts, text me 1st ever morning, called in sick to plan days with me... Yes I did my part but so did he.

 

Why does it matter to you who she blames? You don't seem to mind that your husband is so focused on the OM.

 

Your marriage is never going to work out until you change you attitude. You really come off as bragging about this affair, like you take pride in the fact that he spent money on you that should have gone to his kids. Sure it was his doing, how would you feel if you found out your husband was spending money on another woman?

 

And yes you kinda holding your husband hostage by not being honest about how you truly feel. How you are still so focused on OM. If he knew your feelings would he stay?

 

I promise you your husband has kicked into "I have to save my marriage mode" but if your attitude doesn't change it won't last.

[ComputerJock]

Have you told your kids so they would know the reason if your betrayed husband decides to divorce you, which is a very good possibility?

[Buckeye2]

My kids are older... 19, 16 & 12. I was married very young to my 1st husband and divorced at 26. Btw, I didn't cheat on him, he was abusive and it took me a while to get out. (Just wanted to clarify).

 

So your children are all from your previous marriage?

[idkwsstf]

Yes, they are all from my 1st marriage. Yes, my kids are aware. When something so big happens to your family I don't think it's possible to act like everything is ok when they can see things are not. My kids are older so I told them. I've been told on here, "what kind of mother are you?" However I read so many posts of women (with children) who have stayed and are working things out with their husbands after they cheated, so do they feel that their husband is a horrible dad? If so, why did they try after?

 

The sad thing is, so many people cheat. I'm not trying to justify my actions, but look how many people are on this forum. I watch tv and almost everyday a celebrity couple is going through infidelity. A lot of them with children. Will Hank Basket be a horrible dad now? Will JZ? How bout Bill Clinton?

 

My point is, I'm a great mom. I made a mistake, I'm dealing with the consequences, but I love my children very much.

[CallJames]

What specifically are you doing to turn the situation around?

 

How are you reassuring your husband and dealing with his pain?

 

Do you see your husband as your second choice?

 

Don't ever speak highly of the other man to him, not if you want to keep your marriage. If you want to rebond with your husband, this man needs to mean nothing to you as far as you're concerned.

 

Yes, they are all from my 1st marriage. Yes, my kids are aware. When something so big happens to your family I don't think it's possible to act like everything is ok when they can see things are not. My kids are older so I told them. I've been told on here, "what kind of mother are you?" However I read so many posts of women (with children) who have stayed and are working things out with their husbands after they cheated, so do they feel that their husband is a horrible dad? If so, why did they try after?

 

The sad thing is, so many people cheat. I'm not trying to justify my actions, but look how many people are on this forum. I watch tv and almost everyday a celebrity couple is going through infidelity. A lot of them with children. Will Hank Basket be a horrible dad now? Will JZ? How bout Bill Clinton?

 

My point is, I'm a great mom. I made a mistake, I'm dealing with the consequences, but I love my children very much.

 

A five year affair is not a mistake. It's probably best to remove that word from your vocabulary. It's amazing that your husband would even consider taking you back.

 

I'm sure you love your children very much, it's just that people here will argue that you must have neglected them some during your affair. That's usually the case during affairs. And you risked the fabric of your family for your own pleasure. It's not productive to beat yourself up over that, but it's almost important to not be defensive at how outrageously selfish and foolish you were. If you can't say "I was outrageously selfish and foolish" to yourself then that's an issue.

 

The point is you are trying to make it up to them. So what kind of advice are you looking for on this board?

Edited August 25, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Merge

[aliveagain]

More than half your marriage you were another man's piece on the side, you knew he was a player, he was dating someone else and married yet you still perused him, you call this a mistake? There are things that you did when you finally told your husband about your infidelity that will come back and bite you in the a$$. You refused to tell him the name of the other man, you chose to protect him over the hurt your husband was in, he will never forget this. He will eventually get that there were many times you had sex with both of them on the same day and no protection was used. He will eventually get that having a relationship with another man for 5.5 years takes planning and a huge amount of deception, that's not a mistake because every morning for over two thousand mornings you planned what to wear for O/M, how and where you would meet and what lie you would tell your husband. Do you still believe that doing this every morning for two thousand mornings is a mistake? Wrong, it was your choice and you need to have the answer for why you did this to him for so long if you want your marriage to survive.

 

This is not an attack on you, this is your reality and as a betrayed spouse I am only telling you what is eventually going to happen to your betrayed spouse. It may not happen today, it may not happen next month but it will happen because at some point the imbalance will wear your husband down. Have the real answers ready for him, do some deep soul searching, get a good independent councilor with experience with infidelity.

[Buckeye2]

My kids are older... 19, 16 & 12. I was married very young to my 1st husband and divorced at 26. Btw, I didn't cheat on him, he was abusive and it took me a while to get out. (Just wanted to clarify).

 

Yes, they are all from my 1st marriage.

 

I assume that your first husband wasn’t vary involved in rising his kids.

 

I say that because you said he was abusive and it took you a while to get out. Was he involved with his kids over the last 10 years? The time when you’ve been with to your current husband.

[idkwsstf]

Buckeye: No, unfortunatly my ex husband has no contact or involment with our children.

 

CallJames: Not at all, that was taken out of context. What I mean is I'm bashed on this forum for being a bad mom. Yet, some of the bashers are women who have stayed and worked things out with a cheating husband. So in fairness where their husbands bad dads? If that makes any sense.

Also you're right, in counseling we refer to this as my mistake... it was a choice I made over and over, I regret it now, but I did it reguardless. I admit my wrongs and will say every day, "I was outragiously selfish and foolish." I can't blame anyone but myself and I take full responsibility for my part in the affair. My husband isn't my 2nd choice although I can see how some would say, "yeah right!" I allowed myself to get involved with someone else, in the process I felt like I fell in love with the OM while still in love with my husband. Some may think thats impossible, but shows like sister wives are proof you can love more than one person. I'm not defending my actions, just explaining where I was coming from. I NEVER speak highly of the OM to my H, infact with all that has happend I see the OM for who he really is and feel stupid for ever allowing myself to be involved with him.

 

Aliveagain: The night I told my husband, I wasnt prepared for the conversation. When he asked about the OM I did refuse to tell him thinking I was protecting his wife and kids. I got home around 5:30pm that night, so we had a rough night. The very next morning at 7am, I woke up ready to tell my H any and everything he needed to know. I've been 100% honest with him all the way since that morning.

 

I guess I can understand some of the judgment, but really I deal with hating myself everyday. I have a million questions about what to expect, what is the right thing to say or not say or do.

 

aliveagin, maybe you can answer me a question, Is it normal for my husband to have 5-6 big questions but not want to know details? I would tell him anything he needs to know. He asked and got answers and now doesnt bring it up at all.

He did say not a day goes by he doesnt think about it, but wont dwell on it. He said he knows if we are going to try and move forward he cant live in that space. I have found myself in moments when we are talking about it, I overshare something and it bothers him.

Edited August 20, 2014 by idkwsstf

[CallJames]

I'm inclined to believe everything you say and I think it's instructive to the BS's on the board.

 

You are saying you loved your husband but you were in love with the other man. You were probably one step away from giving your husband the "I love you but I'm not in love with you" talk. We assume that if the OM had wanted to leave his wife, you would have left your husband, and perhaps have tried to go back. Or wound up with OM and a different happiness but regrets and eventual remorse and loving your husband "like a brother". That's my concern.. do you think you will be able to love your husband passionately and not just as the great man who forgave you?

 

In some sense, you are both "lucky". For now. You still have a chance. A previous poster indicated it will be a long road (it will) and there will come many times of doubt for him.

 

I wish you both the best.

 

PS - I think you husband is probably suppressing the details. It may be too hard for his system to take it all in at this moment. Five years... it's probably still surreal to him.

[aliveagain]

Buckeye: No, unfortunatly my ex husband has no contact or involment with our children.

 

CallJames: Not at all, that was taken out of context. What I mean is I'm bashed on this forum for being a bad mom. Yet, some of the bashers are women who have stayed and worked things out with a cheating husband. So in fairness where their husbands bad dads? If that makes any sense.

Also you're right, in counseling we refer to this as my mistake... it was a choice I made over and over, I regret it now, but I did it reguardless. I admit my wrongs and will say every day, "I was outragiously selfish and foolish." I can't blame anyone but myself and I take full responsibility for my part in the affair. My husband isn't my 2nd choice although I can see how some would say, "yeah right!" I allowed myself to get involved with someone else, in the process I felt like I fell in love with the OM while still in love with my husband. Some may think thats impossible, but shows like sister wives are proof you can love more than one person. I'm not defending my actions, just explaining where I was coming from. I NEVER speak highly of the OM to my H, infact with all that has happend I see the OM for who he really is and feel stupid for ever allowing myself to be involved with him.

 

Aliveagain: The night I told my husband, I wasnt prepared for the conversation. When he asked about the OM I did refuse to tell him thinking I was protecting his wife and kids. I got home around 5:30pm that night, so we had a rough night. The very next morning at 7am, I woke up ready to tell my H any and everything he needed to know. I've been 100% honest with him all the way since that morning.

 

I guess I can understand some of the judgment, but really I deal with hating myself everyday. I have a million questions about what to expect, what is the right thing to say or not say or do.

 

aliveagin, maybe you can answer me a question, Is it normal for my husband to have 5-6 big questions but not want to know details? I would tell him anything he needs to know. He asked and got answers and now doesnt bring it up at all.

He did say not a day goes by he doesnt think about it, but wont dwell on it. He said he knows if we are going to try and move forward he cant live in that space. I have found myself in moments when we are talking about it, I overshare something and it bothers him.

 

Your husband is still in shock and as much as he tells you he doesn't want to hear the truth now(my guess is his pain is too great and he is max'd out on how much he can take at one time) he will want to have all the truth at some point so he can move on without another DD. My suggestion is to write out a timeline of events with everything relating to your affair including the feelings you had as well as the acts you did together(an issue may arise if you performed acts with OM that you didn't or refused to perform with your husband), places you went, and a very important item, "Who knew about your affair but kept your secret?" People that knew or facilitated your affair are no friends of your marriage and they need to go.

 

Give him the envelop with the entire history of your affair and let it be his decision to read it or not, but he will know that you are choosing him and the marriage over O/M because there are no more secrets between you and O/M that your husband isn't aware of because you have put them all in writing. You need to prove to your husband that you are fixing what is broken in you by getting independent counselling. Your next step is to make him feel safe because right now all he knows is that you are a liar so anything coming out of your mouth is a lie. You need to show him by your actions that he is safe. Give him complete transparency, all your passwords and let him decide if he wants to check up on you. If you and O/M work together you need to find a new job immediately. He will only believe your actions so make them count.

 

Remember, you've had 5.5 years to deal with this, he just found out.

Edited August 20, 2014 by aliveagain

[bigman1]

I think that the hostility that you perceive is due to the shocking level of betrayal that you have disclosed. I mean, it really is breathtaking. Your tone hardly seems remorseful like someone who has realized the horror of what you did. You sound a bit cavalier and sort of like, yeah I did it, I said I was sorry and I still want it to work with my husband. In short, so long as you get what you want, how you want it, and when you want it, then things are great. You hardly sound like you put as much work into your husband as you did trying to keep the OM.

 

As far as the attacks on your love for your kids, I agree that is a bit harsh. On the other hand, by being so committed to destroying the family that they have and destroying the only real father they have known and putting that at risk, it is sort of like the drunk driver who puts their kid in the car without a car seat and drives 90 mph down at night with the headlights off claiming to be a good parent, but for all of that. Again, that goes to your true state of mind and realization of what you have done. Believe me, saying that you hate yourself every day is well short of remorse. Regret, sure. Shock, sure. But what real realization and revelation is happens is different. Take my example above about the drunk driver. Now imagine that driver being in a wreck, their kids and spouse being hurt, the spouse far more critical with internal injuries. Now, as that driver goes home, they hate themselves. But then one day, it really hits them. Maybe while their kids are asking them something and they realize, I almost killed you. This moment almost never happened. Its that moment when your breath is taken away, when you have to shake your head to try to get the images out of your head, when you truly understand the scope of it all that your attitude will change. People don't think that you are there, yet, if ever.

 

Finally, your husband is rugsweeping. He can't know the details because then he will hate you. I don't mean he will be angry, I mean he will hate you. He will hate himself, he will hate life, he will just hate. The husband you know WILL die. He's trying to spare himself that death and the details are going to have to come out and they are going to kill the man you know. You have already fired the fatal shot, and he is trying his best to avoid being hit. Its called survival. Right not he can cope, and maybe he will be able to cope with the truth. I wish him luck.

 

I really think that you should examine your true feelings for him. Given the breadth, length, and depth of your betrayal and your seemingly cavalier internet demeanor, I seriously wonder whether you love your husband as much as you say or rather you love yourself so much that so long as being with him suits you, then its cool. I seriously wonder if the OM came to you ready to be with you if you would refuse. Honestly, I think that you would be conflicted, but ultimately, you would choose the OM. If that is the case, well... be merciful to your husband, now.

[aliveagain]

bigman 1 is making some very good points. The other thing your husband is doing now is reliving the last 5.5 years and wondering how many of those great memories he had with you and your children are real and if you were really in love with him during that time? The memories that were special are now tainted because everything at that time was a lie and he is assessing them all. Marriages without truth don't survive. Destroy anything that includes O/M such as gifts, photo's and favorite songs that remind you of him.

[idkwsstf]

aliveagain: Thank you for the letter idea, I am going to do that.

 

Telling my story, my situation is not easy. Even reading my origianal post I can somewhat understand if I didnt know the entire situation how it may look. I shoved a 5.5 year A, and 10 year marrige into a several paragraph story.

I've even mentioned I saw this forum when through it for a little bit then decided to share my situation. I wish sometimes all I had done to get it out of me was journal it. But lukcy me I didnt read the T&C and you cant delete what you post :/

 

I loved my H the whole time I was having the A, so continuing a relationship with him isnt hard, nor do I feel like there was no passion or fun days. did I love them differently? Yes, there was more passion, (probably because thats what you get out of an A) more texting. Looking back now, I wish I would have been honest from day 1 with the OM and my H. I would have told the OM, if we want to pursue something, then lets be honest with our families and try. I would have told my H I met someone and didnt want to hurt him. But Noooo, I thought I could have my cake and eat it to. Now I've hurt my H, my family. His W his family. For what? It wasnt worth it. I can say that it was a long A, so my feelings were invested and even now seeing who the OM is, really seeing it, not with my rose colored glasses on hurts. (I wish I had a feelings swich I could shut off, but I dont so I still feel hurt and angry and mad.)

Even when I txt his wife the picture, I was wrong, but my natural instinct was defense. (Not an excuse, just an explination)

 

I've had moments where I think of my H crying (he NEVER EVER cries) and it hurts so much I cant breath, I think of my 12 yo crying when we were explaining we are dealing with "mom talking to another man" and him telling me... "why mom? why would you ever do that? We have a happy family" Even typing this is hard. I have moments, beleive it or not, moments that hurt me to my core, moments that I cry because I wish I had a reason as to why I would ever do any of this!!

 

It's easy to read someones situation and pick and choose what you think, but living through this is not easy. I do appriciate the input, and can respect opinions so thank you to everyone who has ever taken the time to read through this ugly & sad thread.

 

I do hope I give some insight to BS from the side of the OW, or the sorry wife. Not that everyones situation is the same, but I know I have so many Q for the BS, for the OM for the OW and how they handled things. I'm only human after all.

Edited August 20, 2014 by idkwsstf

[idkwsstf]

With the above said, I do think if someone wants to comment and just be mean, you shouldnt comment on anyones thread. People who post a thread want to express a story, want to do the right thing, or just need advice. Being mean is just mean. If you can suggest something, or offer help, even criticism is more than welcome. I dont need sympathy, what I did is disgusting even I can admit that... But do you really need to bash someone when they are already down on themselves?

[twosadthings]

If your preferred course of action would have been to tell your husband you had met someone else so as not to hurt him you still are clueless. Does it make a difference if he had cried five and a half years ago instead of when he found out?

 

No matter how remorseful you would like the forum to believe you are I say you have a lot more work to do and likely it will have to be done in the face of your husband's coming anger.

 

Twosadthings

[stillafool]

I really feel for your husband, kids and the OM's wife. I think she wondered how you (a woman) could do this to her because what woman would want another woman in her home have nasty sex all of her house. Would you? Of course she knows her husband is to blame for this but she is wondering what type of woman would come in her home to screw and not at least demand a hotel room. Then you follow up by sending a picture of you and him in her bed?! I'm sorry but that is just low. Your husband doesn't want to hear to dirty details because he knows he would have no choice but to leave you if he thinks about your betrayal too much. I can't believe you are even asking if the OM will be able to forgive you. Who cares???? At this point he should be the last thing on your mind and here you are wondering about him. You now know he never loved you and couldn't wait to throw you under a bus as soon as he thought your H was going to tell his wife. I hope you know now that you weren't his only OW. Just like he had an OW when you fell for him he also had one when he was with you. The fact that you weren't even having problems in your marriage when you decided to cheat just reaks of selfishness. Basically you just want what you want. Your husband is to be commended for marrying a formerly abused woman with 3 kids and trying to make them his family. This is how he was repayed.

 

There was a wayward wife on here named Sophie. You should look up her thread because she showed true remorse for her affair. All of her conversations were about how to make this up to her husband, not how the OM was feeling. Concentrate on how to make this up to your husband.

 

Note: I hope you and your H have been tested for STD's.

Edited August 20, 2014 by stillafool

[James-London]

it does seem that you have genuine regret and remorse. However, it seems that this is largely due to the fact that the OM would not leave his W for you, and also the cowardly way he behaved after D-Day.

 

If both of you had left your respective families to be together (something that could well have happened), then it is quite possible you would be much happier and more fulfilled in a monogamous relationship with the OM. You say now that the affair "was not worth it", but that is in large part because of how things panned out with the OM.

 

I will give you some credit that you regret all the hurt to your H through. That does sound genuine. However, as other posters have said, your feelings for your H are more those of a brother or friend than a lover.

 

Going forwards, how about you think about exactly what the OM had/gave you that your H did not. It was not just the situation of a secret affair that you found attractive.... Perhaps you could share that on LS.

 

Finally - you are right that "mistake" is not the right word. A mistake is when you accidentally tip over a glass of water when you turn around. What you did was 100% deliberate. I know you cannot undo what you have done. But perhaps you could at least explain what was going through your mind all those times you were cheating?? Did you feel guilty at the time you were doing it?

 

For example - did you just not think about? Did you think about it and not care? did you rationalise it as somehow OK?... Did it give you a thrill to have a secret life? Were you bored/frustrated with your family life? Or was your H somehow not enough for you? Or perhaps are you an insecure person who needs that kind of validation?.... Your posts are quite light on this sort of clarification, to be honest.