Concerns about my "transformed" wife

[txgrl]

I'm an xwayward wife . I hate to say this but this is EXaCTly what I did in my A, became more fashion and look conscious, took up a new hobby to impress AP, loved the hobby but got into but just to impress him , downloaded messaging apps that I would never otherwise, neglected home ,H an kids ( nit yo this extent as u describe but still) and became very possessive of my iPhone .

 

Also checked fb wayyy more than u ever did before or after A .

 

I'm sorry but I'm pretty sure she's having an A , maybe an EA but all that you describe =cheating unless proven otherwise .What kind, how often, with whom and how she feels about you and the M , that's upto you to find out . Maybe confront her , maybe get proof . But I see a lot if heartbreak coming your way .

 

as soon as I stopped cheating , all my crazy habits reversed back to preA levels almost instantly .

[Jonah]

Join in, hang out and have fun? Just be there and play dumb. Your W likes you and though it might be awkward at first, if you can play it cool then you will win, have fun and stay in shape.

[oldshirt]

I'm not seeing a smoking gun that is screaming physical affair at the moment but there is definitely some red flags and cause to be concerned. At the very least I think the stage is being set for something to occur and perhaps it may even be a technicality that something hasn't happened.

 

 

As others have pointed out the phone guarding and Facebook issues are very concerning. There may not be an actual PA taking place at the moment but there may be people getting groomed for it to occur soon.

 

 

I think there is just cause to be very mindful of what is taking place and to keep a very vigilant watch over everything. I think you should keep your mouth shut about it though and stop asking her if anything is going on and stop whining about all your insecurities and concerns etc.

 

 

talking about it at this point is only doing two things - one is it is making you look weak and whiney and two is if anything inappropriate is going on, it will just make her take it deeper underground.

 

 

More to follow.....

[oldshirt]

Get the book Married Mans Sex Life Primer it's a good read.

 

 

 

I strongly agree with this above ^^^^^^

 

 

Athol Kay's books and website are really geared toward this type of situation in many ways.

 

 

What I think is of particular note in this situation is a pretty big shift in "sexual Market Value" is taking place here.

 

 

If you are not familiar with the term "sex rank" you need to look it up and the 'Married Man Sex Life' books and website do a great job of explaining the concept of Sex Rank and how to deal with that.

 

 

In a nutshell, 'Sex Rank' is basically how many options someone has in the sexual market place. The more options and the better their options are, the higher someone's sex rank is. The fewer options and less quality of options someone has, the lower their rank is.

 

 

When a couple are both of equal sex rank, the relationship is usually fairly stable as each partner has relatively the same level of options other than their partner.

 

 

Where things start to get tipped out of balance is if one of the partner significantly changes in rank either higher or lower.

 

 

The person with the higher rank has more options and holds more power and the person of lesser rank becomes somewhat subordinate to the higher as they would have a more difficult time replacing the person of higher rank with an equal quality mate.

 

 

Using a 1-10 scale, let's say both parties are 6's. if they are equal they are in balance and neither has an edge and if either were to stray to begin with, they would probably be dealing with another 6 or even a 5.

 

 

but if one of them were to boost themselves up to a 7 or especially an 8, they would be getting offers and options from 7s and 8s and the other spouse is at great risk of being cheated on if not outright left for a better option.

 

 

When your wife was overweight and lacked confidence and was basically a home body, her sex rank was probably at the most equal to yours and was more likely lower. This gave you security and she was less likely to stray.

 

 

However now that she has basically transformed her body, her appearance and even her personality and attitudes, this has greatly tipped the scales into her favor. If she now outranks you has options of guys better looking, more assertive, more sociable and more successful than you, it's just a matter of time before a viable candidate makes her a valid offer.

 

 

As you have no right and no recourse in making her go back to being an overweight, insecure, home-body again, you are simply going to have to boost up your own sex rank to keep up with her and to keep the other gym rats from kicking sand in your face and hitting on her right in front of you.

 

 

she may not be cheating or making plans to run off with anyone at the moment, but if you don't keep up, it's pretty inevitable that at some point she is going to take up an offer from either this Ed guy or one of the other guys.

[jackslife]

On a slightly different tack here... you've said how different she is both physically and mentally. She has become a boxing, fighting machine, alpha female. It sounds like she is nothing like the woman you married. If you were single and met her as she is now would you want her or would you think "this isn't the type of woman I'd want to have children with and raise them"?

 

People change over time. Non of us are the people we were 20 years ago. Although we tend to just evolve (and if married hopefully evolve together), sometimes people can change completely. Has she changed so much she is no longer the woman you married? Has she changed so much is she no longer the woman that wants to be married to you?

 

Maybe she has become someone she really wants to be. In the long run will she still be happy/satisfied with you. When you married you were her taste, perhaps her tastes have now changed.

 

I'm not saying she's a bad person, or wants to deliberately cheat on you. But if her tastes in men have changed there is a chance she may either cheat or just end it.

 

Sorry, I don't see this as a 'just' an affair, but potentially a game changer in the marriage.

[merrmeade]

It embarrasses me that I've gone to the extents that I've gone to already to monitor her behavior.

Forget it. She's already broken commitments: She lied about FB. She changed everything about your lives without you. You should have transparency both ways, and you should have shared passwords. But it's beyond this if she doesn't feel bad about sneaking around you for any reason. She's hiding something and not telling you. The big one is the phone: You don't lock and guard your phone unless you don't want someone looking at something. Period. The question is why and what it is. You need to know.

Since she has an iPhone, I can log into her iCloud account and use Find My Phone to see if she's where she says she's gonna be.

This is good. You need to know.

Web activity... Always on Facebook, always stalking Ed's page, always googling stuff having to do with these new interests...

This is important. Whether she cheated physically, she's fantasizing. She's in love with him. You have a problem.

Texts - she uses iMessage, bbm, WhatsApp, FB messenger... Been through them all.

But have you picked up the deleted messages? You don't know until you see them and, as someone said, the first thing she would do with a questionable text is delete after sending/receiving. You MUST see the deleted messages. I spent weeks looking for a free app. I finally paid $20 for Decipher Text Messages. You get a license code and can reinstall it and recover deleted messages in 2 minutes any number of times if you don't want to leave the app on the computer.

 

Don't bother with the itemized phone bill. To identify patterns and repeat numbers, e.g., texting or calling a single number, here's what you do:

Go online to your/her phone account. Open one month at a time, first calls, then SMS. click on the heading of the column with the numbers so they sort high to low or, click again, low to high. Look at the numbers that are contacted the most. Find out whose they are, times of day. Check the time on the phone calls. How long are the conversations? Time of day? Number of calls to a given number every month.

 

You can record it if there's anything fishy like I did. Just copy/paste, color code. Go to town.

Edited August 18, 2014 by merrmeade

[merrmeade]

I'm an xwayward wife . I hate to say this but this is EXaCTly what I did in my A, became more fashion and look conscious, took up a new hobby to impress AP, loved the hobby but got into but just to impress him , downloaded messaging apps that I would never otherwise, neglected home ,H an kids ( nit yo this extent as u describe but still) and became very possessive of my iPhone .

 

Also checked fb wayyy more than u ever did before or after A .

 

I'm sorry but I'm pretty sure she's having an A , maybe an EA but all that you describe =cheating unless proven otherwise .What kind, how often, with whom and how she feels about you and the M , that's upto you to find out . Maybe confront her , maybe get proof . But I see a lot if heartbreak coming your way .

 

as soon as I stopped cheating , all my crazy habits reversed back to preA levels almost instantly .

 

says it all

[loveboid]

Maybe she needs you to help her in self improvement? Maybe that's a turn on for her. She complained that you didn't mention her weight was unattractive before. Honesty is a big turn on.

 

A lot of people want to self improve. You can help her and I doubt she'd turn you down even with this other guy. If it wasn't this guy, it'd be someone else, right? Why not you?

[thirtysomethingteen]

To the OP...wow does your wife and her situation ever remind me of myself and my own situation...and if you read my introductory post you will see that is not a good thing. I didn't post a lot of my personal info for privacy reasons but your wife and I have a lot in common it sounds like...

I'm sorry I don't even know what advice to give you because I don't even know what's going to happen to me...but it's good that you're aware and keeping a watchful eye. I hope for your sake that this Ed guy is devoted to his wife because it doesn't sound like your wife would turn him down. I'm sorry OP.

[atreides]

OP, how are things?