Concerns about my "transformed" wife

[Chi townD]

Normally, I would tell you that it's all in your head. But, a red flag got me. It's when she started to lock and guard her phone. That's never a good sign.

 

 

You might want to start investgating. It may seem underhanded and a little slimy. But, you have every right to know what's going on in your marriage. So, you can start looking into things. If your gut is telling you something is wrong, ALWAYS listen to your gut. Here's a couple of things you can do.

 

 

Get an itemized phone bill, if you see her texting a single number with hundreds of texts between them, that's not good.

 

 

If your wife has an iphone, there's a chance she charged the phone using the home computer or her laptop. If she has, then the phone probably sync'd up with the computer. Therefore, there's a hidden file on that computer that holds all of the text conversations from that phone (I think even deleted ones). Get on that computer and download software called the iphone file extractor. it will pull that hidden file for you and you can view the conversations.

 

 

The next thing you can do is go to best buy or Walmart and buy two Voice Activated Recorders (VAR's). Hide one in the room of the house you know where she does most of her talking on the phone. Then, run to the hardware store and buy some heavy duty Velcro. Use the Velcro on the other VAR and secure it under the drivers seat of her car (most cheaters do most of their communication in the car where they think they have the highest degree of privacy to talk freely).

 

 

Then, you can put a keylogger on the computer and you'll be able to see the websites she visits, the emails she sends and receives and IM messages she sends and receives.

 

 

Then, you can plant a GPS in the spare tire well of her car and you can track her movements. To see if she says she going to the gym and then back home, you'll be able to see if she's taking any side trips.

 

 

If you don't want to do the GPS, then you can check the odometer of her car. Map out the distance between the house to the gym in miles. If it's 4 miles to the gym and back. The car should only gained 8 miles. If you check before she leaves and when she gets back and you see she's gain 16 miles, she went somewhere else.

Edited August 14, 2014 by Chi townD

[HereNorThere]

Normally, I would tell you that it's all in your head. But, a red flag got me. It's when she started to lock and guard her phone. That's never a good sign.

 

 

You might want to start investgating. It may seem underhanded and a little slimy. But, you have every right to know what's going on in your marriage. So, you can start looking into things. If your gut is telling you something is wrong, ALWAYS listen to your gut. Here's a couple of things you can do.

 

 

Get an itemized phone bill, if you see her texting a single number with hundreds of texts between them, that's not good.

 

 

If your wife has an iphone, there's a chance she charged the phone using the home computer or her laptop. If she has, then the phone probably sync'd up with the computer. Therefore, there's a hidden file on that computer that holds all of the text conversations from that phone (I think even deleted ones). Get on that computer and download software called the iphone file extractor. it will pull that hidden file for you and you can view the conversations.

 

 

The next thing you can do is go to best buy or Walmart and buy two Voice Activated Recorders (VAR's). Hide one in the room of the house you know where she does most of her talking on the phone. Then, run to the hardware store and buy some heavy duty Velcro. Use the Velcro on the other VAR and secure it under the drivers seat of her car (most cheaters do most of their communication in the car where they think they have the highest degree of privacy to talk freely).

 

 

Then, you can put a keylogger on the computer and you'll be able to see the websites she visits, the emails she sends and receives and IM messages she sends and receives.

 

 

Then, you can plant a GPS in the spare tire well of her car and you can track her movements. To see if she says she going to the gym and then back home, you'll be able to see if she's taking any side trips.

 

 

If you don't want to do the GPS, then you can check the odometer of her car. Map out the distance between the house to the gym in miles. If it's 4 miles to the gym and back. The car should only gained 8 miles. If you check before she leaves and when she gets back and you see she's gain 16 miles, she went somewhere else.

 

 

I'd also like to add that a lot of people are savvy enough not to use the native IOS/Android text messaging app. I would look at her apps list and or the app store/google play to make sure no free messaging apps have been downloaded.

[Man Mountain Makino]

I just poured my thoughts out so sorry if things seem scrambled and unorganized.

 

I really appreciate those of you who've taken the time to read this long post.

Any way you slice this, she has greatly neglected you and your son. Whether or not she's riding some jock's baloney pony during breaks at the gym, this should be addressed directly.

[Hammerfell]

Explode!??? ok ... has she also been this way or this something new?

 

 

 

 

Tell her its not about the future as in "nothing will happen" ... she lied... I would not let that go and have her reverse it. She can maintain a fighter profile with network but she needs to reverse what she did, no need to have them friended. I mean ... so she get's to break rules and have no consequences?

 

 

I am glad about the family thing but you did express concern about her time with the kids so i responded to that.

 

I would like to know more about this anger if it's new or old... if it's new then that is an issue and she is defensive... you need to remind her how open she was in the beginning as you wrote in the first post.

 

About her exploding... This is not a new thing. It's a personality trait of hers. Recall that I mentioned it as one of the things being addressed in the MC sessions. It's also not limited to me confronting her as I've already seen her write off one friend for questioning her commitments as a wife and mother in light of her exercise schedule. Generally, A lot of people have a "walking on egg shells" approach with her since she'll easily flare up whenever she's confronted about anything. She's usually calm when I confront her about her friendship but if I indicated that she's focusing too much on the training/exercise, it becomes an issue.

[tom670]

Both of you should have each others passwords period.

[Hammerfell]

Well, I agree with the poster that said many people having affairs put the affair person as a same sex name, like if your wife put Ed in there as "Nancy".

 

She's just too secretive and lying now to get what she wants - but knowing it hurts you yet she does it anyway isn't right or good for the M.

 

If she enjoys the M she needs to act like it. She should be spending time at home with the kids while the evening approaches.

 

Being so hyper focused on her interests is not a gal that acts married. There's no way to be a good mom and wife when you leave before the kids get up and back home after they are in bed.

 

But neglecting to make YOU her TOP priority tells me she's moved your M down the list of her interests/priorities.

 

You know, it looks like she's cheating. If you choose denial you could go on years feeling neglected. Are you willing to start digging deeper to be certain she's not cheating? I'd bet money she is.

 

Balance isn't something she's practiced. If nothing else just tell her if she wants to stay married to stop going morning and night - pick one or the other. Be home with family. And be home on weekends so the family has time to reconnect. If she won't - then she doesn't intend to be invested in the M and obviously someone or something is more important than you.

 

Just flat out tell her you're sick of her imbalance and ignoring her family! It's not an unreasonable request.

 

If she wants to act single then maybe she should be single.

 

State how you feel, be honest. Stick with a solid healthy boundary that works for you.

 

Most people who are married want to spend time together. It's interesting that she finds too many opportunities to be focused outside the home.

 

If she gets angry, that's a bigger problem.

 

I think the way I type something earlier may have caused some confusion. When I said that I saw a person that I didn't recognize in her text messages… I was actually referring to my wife. Over time, you tend to have a good idea of what your spouse sounds like in written form.

 

The phrases and language that she uses while communicating with these new friends is what looked odd to me and what I was trying to identify as her being a completely different person around him. It's like there's two versions of her and she only shows one with me.

 

As for finding balance, I'm definitely working harder at communicating my frustrations in that area. A friend of hers approached me at the gym one day and asked me how I felt about her intense schedule. I tried to remain tight lipped but she could see the frustration on my face through my silence and suggested that I speak up more to her about it.

 

Interestingly, my wife has started referring to a lot of the girls at our gym as her "haters". We're a small population of only about 40-50 people so it's easy to tell who she's referring to.

[Chi townD]

If I were you, I would also start keeping a record of when she comes and goes. If she's working, coming home for 30 minutes then she's off to the gym for the rest of the night, keep a running log of that.

 

 

If things turn really sour in your marriage, you'll have a log of how much time she actually spend with the family and now much time she didn't.

[Hammerfell]

I have gone through major transformations in a relationship.....i used to be military so when i really go for the fitness transformation i go for it...and its hard work.....my ex was supportive of me when i would transform i didnt talk to other guys though i know routines and kick boxing so i dont normally do the gym thing...kick boxing to em is more about self defense against being in a ring.....with no ring there.....i dont like to fight....but it is good to know in case i need to and it is good to have as a training workout..thers nothign like beign able to perform a flying roundhouse kick.......the sex i have with my partner becomes more not less..more adventurous....and frequent........but all my exes have been mainly fitness junkies(body builder bouncer) and fighters.....i have dated them as a bigger girl and they knew me as a friend first then got fit with them .....

 

i understand the complete change thing forgetting sunday school forgetting you and the kids....and family life in general...she must have been really unhappy with who she was and has gone radical./.....i am going to err on the side of caution and say that i believe counselling is needed ...i think emotionally she is vulnerable to cheat and i think that you need to pull together as a family her duties havent changed as mother and wife even if her body has....and her mind set......its great she has transformed ...but some of it isnt for the best and that needs compromise.....and maybe counselling i do think its likely that she is open to cheating maybe not yet but maybe soon......you need to be honest with her and how its affecting you...and the kids...appeal to her heart which always should be with her family and you.......deb

 

We're in MC and have been for the past year as a sort of maintenance plan.

[tom670]

You should bring up the fact in mc there should be total transparency.

It is a red flag to have a password protected phone and she doesn't give it to you.

[tom670]

One more thing going to mc while she may be having an affair is really just a waste of money.

[Hammerfell]

Your wife is having an inappropriate 'friendship with Ed. The texting and guarding her phone is a huge red flag. The amount of time at the gym, taking away family time isn't good.

 

She is detached and happy, but that happiness is selfish. It's all about her.

 

Does she take any interest in you, your day, etc? Do you two spend any one on one time together?

 

 

 

she has to find a balance and stop going to the gym every night after work.

 

Fact that she gets angry about this when you bring it up isn't good either. Her reaction is over the top! Red flag.

 

Watch her closely. Look for other signs. Ask her why she's glued to her phone all the time.

 

I would say that her interest of my day is very basic. Usually something like, "how was work today?". I've recently taken up cycling so it has allowed her to feel like she's got more to inquire about. As per MC instructions, we have to have at least one date night per week and one family night. As I type this, it's becoming more evident to me just how little "awake" time the two of us have together. Geez. As for her phone, it's an attention thing. Constantly checking how many "likes" she's getting on Instagram/Facebook for her pics. As I mentioned earlier, I did a pretty decent scrub through her messages and didn't come up with anything major as far as infidelity is concerned. But as some of you have already mentioned, that guarantees nothing.

[Discjockey80]

I have to tell you that aside from the obvious otherwise positive signs of her getting healthier and in to shape....this all disturbs me on a very fundamental level.

 

 

I think what's most disturbing about it is exactly what you've already surmised yourself...but in particular for me is the following:

 

 

She went from a 'plump' mommy, Sunday school teacher and otherwise all around nice wife...to an MMA fighter???????????

 

Do you both have an interest or history with this sport that would make you both familiar with it?

 

 

Its awesome that she is achieving some goals and finding something she is passionate about. But the extreme nature of her behavior and almost cult like devotion to it screams of something wayyy wrong. This isn't healthy, especially when its causing her to ignore her family and be away from you for extended periods of time. I have to tell you right now...that's not natural in a woman who is in the prime of her child rearing years...and really isn't natural much period.

 

 

It would chill me to the bone to see some of these changes...not so much the 'healthy' ones...but the behavior of acting like a totally different person.

 

 

And you say this 'Ed' influenced her into the sport? How did they initially meet? Was it while she was just pursuing a generic workout program at the gym?

 

 

Don't mean to be overly alarmist but with the secrecy you mentioned above and the drastic change in personality...this demands immediate attention.

[HereNorThere]

Does she have a history of bi-polar disorder and/or mixed state depression? The "haters" comment set off alarm bells in my head. Seems a bit grandiose given the circumstances.

[Hammerfell]

Both of you should have each others passwords period.

 

We do. If she wanted to check my email, she could. And she figures that I can assume hers (since it's the same for mostly everything).

 

As for her phone, it was just odd. I know how to get in and I figure she must know that I can as well. Maybe the password isn't to keep me out but others at work?

 

She still keeps it really close to her a lot.

[tom670]

Cheating or not she is clearly checking out of the marriage.

Has the sex become non existent?

[tom670]

We do. If she wanted to check my email, she could. And she figures that I can assume hers (since it's the same for mostly everything).

 

As for her phone, it was just odd. I know how to get in and I figure she must know that I can as well. Maybe the password isn't to keep me out but others at work?

 

She still keeps it really close to her a lot.

Like others have said that is a concern.

[Hammerfell]

Does she have a history of bi-polar disorder and/or mixed state depression? The "haters" comment set off alarm bells in my head. Seems a bit grandiose given the circumstances.

 

Bipolar and schizo among cousins. I've seen very irrational behavior in her siblings. She's questionable at times but I wouldn't call her crazy.

 

The hater comments started when a lot of girls started questioning/criticizing her physique as being too muscular for a woman. Anyone who isn't 100% inboard with her success is automatically a hater.

[Discjockey80]

Bipolar and schizo among cousins. I've seen very irrational behavior in her siblings. She's questionable at times but I wouldn't call her crazy.

 

The hater comments started when a lot of girls started questioning/criticizing her physique as being too muscular for a woman. Anyone who isn't 100% inboard with her success is automatically a hater.

 

 

Knowing this changes a lot for me. Definitely try to get her to check into this with a health professional.

[Hammerfell]

Sounds to me like your wife is involved in a one sided emotional affair. Maybe talking to her friends about her crush but not actually to him.

 

This is exactly my thought. Not that there's a PA, and not that she's been pursued or is pursuing. But that she met someone who has impressed her enough to such that she now wants to reinvent herself in a brand new image that would be appealing to him.

[Chi townD]

We do. If she wanted to check my email, she could. And she figures that I can assume hers (since it's the same for mostly everything).

 

As for her phone, it was just odd. I know how to get in and I figure she must know that I can as well. Maybe the password isn't to keep me out but others at work?

 

She still keeps it really close to her a lot.

 

 

 

Well, if she knows this; then, she's probably gotten really good at deleting text conversations that can be viewed as....questionable.

[tom670]

Knowing this changes a lot for me. Definitely try to get her to check into this with a health professional.

 

I agree extreme changes like this could be signs of illness.

[Hammerfell]

Cheating or not she is clearly checking out of the marriage.

Has the sex become non existent?

 

Sex is there but has to be initiated by me solely. Another instruction from MC.

 

TO be fair, she will always comply but it's hard to build up desire all the time when I'm not sure where she's at mentally.

[tom670]

Get the book Married Mans Sex Life Primer it's a good read.

[Hammerfell]

Normally, I would tell you that it's all in your head. But, a red flag got me. It's when she started to lock and guard her phone. That's never a good sign.

 

 

You might want to start investgating. It may seem underhanded and a little slimy. But, you have every right to know what's going on in your marriage. So, you can start looking into things. If your gut is telling you something is wrong, ALWAYS listen to your gut. Here's a couple of things you can do.

 

 

Get an itemized phone bill, if you see her texting a single number with hundreds of texts between them, that's not good.

 

 

If your wife has an iphone, there's a chance she charged the phone using the home computer or her laptop. If she has, then the phone probably sync'd up with the computer. Therefore, there's a hidden file on that computer that holds all of the text conversations from that phone (I think even deleted ones). Get on that computer and download software called the iphone file extractor. it will pull that hidden file for you and you can view the conversations.

 

 

The next thing you can do is go to best buy or Walmart and buy two Voice Activated Recorders (VAR's). Hide one in the room of the house you know where she does most of her talking on the phone. Then, run to the hardware store and buy some heavy duty Velcro. Use the Velcro on the other VAR and secure it under the drivers seat of her car (most cheaters do most of their communication in the car where they think they have the highest degree of privacy to talk freely).

 

 

Then, you can put a keylogger on the computer and you'll be able to see the websites she visits, the emails she sends and receives and IM messages she sends and receives.

 

 

Then, you can plant a GPS in the spare tire well of her car and you can track her movements. To see if she says she going to the gym and then back home, you'll be able to see if she's taking any side trips.

 

 

If you don't want to do the GPS, then you can check the odometer of her car. Map out the distance between the house to the gym in miles. If it's 4 miles to the gym and back. The car should only gained 8 miles. If you check before she leaves and when she gets back and you see she's gain 16 miles, she went somewhere else.

 

It embarrasses me that I've gone to the extents that I've gone to already to monitor her behavior.

 

Since she has an iPhone, I can log into her iCloud account and use Find My Phone to see if she's where she says she's gonna be. The green dot hasn't shown up anywhere on the map where it shouldn't be... Except that when I think she's on her way home, I'll see her make a detour on the way to stop by at the gym.

 

Web activity... We use chrome. She even uses it at work and is logged in through our family account (we have a common gmail address to sync the family calendar with appointments and events). Those of you who know how chrome works will know that you can see what kind of browsing and history is happening on all devices where you're logged in. This is where I notice her obsessive behavior. Always on Facebook, always stalking Ed's page, always googling stuff having to do with these new interests... It's a miracle she gets work done.

 

Texts - she uses iMessage, bbm, WhatsApp, FB messenger... Been through them all.

 

I'm embarrassed that I'm doing all of this out of a lack of trust. Something just isn't sitting well with me.

[atreides]

This is exactly my thought. Not that there's a PA, and not that she's been pursued or is pursuing. But that she met someone who has impressed her enough to such that she now wants to reinvent herself in a brand new image that would be appealing to him.

 

Well.. do you feel the MC sessions are helping? There are stories here where couples went to MC and it changed nothing of the waywards that were already in affairs... not that your wife is... but they frankly lied to the counselor.

 

 

As for the above... this is enough to set me on edge, she should be trying to 1. reinvent herself for herself and 2. for you.

 

As for snooping, her behavior warrants it... frankly had you written your story without the secrets and lies... I would tell you to join in her fun.... BUT... there are secrets, lies, passwords and way too much Facebook and thus I would also have cause for concern and snoop.

 

As for her friend... i don't blame your wife for lashing out to defend her new and improved body... "too muscular" would piss me off too. The way to approach her is tell her much you love her newself but that "hey, i am here too... let's have a date night... go dancing and show our newselves off" something like that. She needs to find that spark back in you, but i will be upfront... pandering and being the nice guy... NEVER... NEVER works... you have to do this with confidence and because you want it and not because you are doing it for her sake as in you worry.

 

cheers