Simon Phoenix Posted August 21, 2014 Share Posted August 21, 2014 I love her, man. I was in a situation where I literally risked my life to protect this girl. We were gong to get married. I screwed it all up, and I can't let her suffer because of my stupid mistakes. She's not suffering dude. Just because you don't like the guy that she's with doesn't mean she's suffering. You need to leave her alone and let her live her life. Your meddling won't do anything but piss her off even more. Instead of checking up on her and trying to play hall monitor/white knight, give her space and work on what you need to work on. But your current approach, and your idea to try to blow this other guy out of the water, simply sucks. You need to let go. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author broken2828 Posted August 21, 2014 Author Share Posted August 21, 2014 She's not suffering dude. Just because you don't like the guy that she's with doesn't mean she's suffering. You need to leave her alone and let her live her life. Your meddling won't do anything but piss her off even more. Instead of checking up on her and trying to play hall monitor/white knight, give her space and work on what you need to work on. But your current approach, and your idea to try to blow this other guy out of the water, simply sucks. You need to let go. No, she's really really happy. But her happiness seems to be based on a disgusting deception, and when that bubble bursts she's going to suffer. Link to post Share on other sites
todreaminblue Posted August 21, 2014 Share Posted August 21, 2014 ugh....ack...yuck...... in saying that you cant tell her she has to find out herself what others are saying....... my ex would tell me without a doubt in my mind i know he would.......because i have his girls....and he wouldnt want to see me used or abused......he wants the best for me.....and my girls that means a nice guy......i would then have to decide if the site was old that he hadnt been on it in a long time......that he had possibly changed.... the rose colored happy joy trusting glasses would come off for sure and i would be careful.....I would say she needs to know....too many times people say its not my place and close their windows tight.....shut the door ...look the other way...and leave it up to the person to get the hard knocks...i think if you care about someone you would let them know...she isnt your girl however and she will make up her own mind and she very well may not appreciate you telling her, she may just cut you out of her life...if so, that is what needs to happen....for peace of mind and what is right to do ..open her eyes, ven if she doesnt want to open them.......dont shut the door, close the curtains you opened them already, what is done is done.........tell her.....deb 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Simon Phoenix Posted August 21, 2014 Share Posted August 21, 2014 No, she's really really happy. But her happiness seems to be based on a disgusting deception, and when that bubble bursts she's going to suffer. Well, that's part of the consequences of being an adult and making adult decisions. She needs to discover things like that on her own without your interference if she's going to grow. You trying to protect her only comes off as smothering her. The tighter you hold a bird in your hand, the more it's going to squirm and want to fly away. For better or worse, you need to let her fly. But you can't play the role of den mother -- your feelings compromise your motives in her mind. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Lernaean_Hydra Posted August 21, 2014 Share Posted August 21, 2014 I'm gonna go ahead and disagree with everyone in this thread; none of that was "truly disgusting". I post sexist crap like that all the time and I'm a woman. And I post stuff about women AND men that are sometimes stereotypes but still humorous in my circle of friends. He could be a tool or he could just have a warped sense of humor. If I was dating a guy who posted things like that and my EX came running to squeal on him, I'd have an issue with the ex, NOT the NEXT. If my new guy treated me well and his actions towards ME didn't reflect whatever mildly sexist nonsense he posted online then what difference would it make to me? I'd be more concerned with my clingy, stalker ex. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author broken2828 Posted August 21, 2014 Author Share Posted August 21, 2014 I'm gonna go ahead and disagree with everyone in this thread; none of that was "truly disgusting". I post sexist crap like that all the time and I'm a woman. And I post stuff about women AND men that are sometimes stereotypes but still humorous in my circle of friends. He could be a tool or he could just have a warped sense of humor. If I was dating a guy who posted things like that and my EX came running to squeal on him, I'd have an issue with the ex, NOT the NEXT. If my new guy treated me well and his actions towards ME didn't reflect whatever mildly sexist nonsense he posted online then what difference would it make to me? I'd be more concerned with my clingy, stalker ex.[/QUOTe] Not that theres anything wrong with you at all, but you and her are very different people. Link to post Share on other sites
Simon Phoenix Posted August 21, 2014 Share Posted August 21, 2014 ugh....ack...yuck...... in saying that you cant tell her she has to find out herself what others are saying....... my ex would tell me without a doubt in my mind i know he would.......because i have his girls....and he wouldnt want to see me used or abused......he wants the best for me.....and my girls that means a nice guy......i would then have to decide if the site was old that he hadnt been on it in a long time......that he had possibly changed.... the rose colored happy joy trusting glasses would come off for sure and i would be careful.....I would say she needs to know....too many times people say its not my place and close their windows tight.....shut the door ...look the other way...and leave it up to the person to get the hard knocks...i think if you care about someone you would let them know...she isnt your girl however and she will make up her own mind and she very well may not appreciate you telling her, she may just cut you out of her life...if so, that is what needs to happen....for peace of mind and what is right to do ..open her eyes, ven if she doesnt want to open them.......dont shut the door, close the curtains you opened them already, what is done is done.........tell her.....deb No offense, but I couldn't disagree more with this advice. It's one thing if they were removed from the relationship far enough where they could interact on a friend level, but they aren't. It's clear that he's obsessed with her and that any "tattling" on his part is partially a ploy to try to get her back. If one of her actual friends brought this to her attention that's fine, but he's not her friend; he's an ex still raw from the breakup. It's a tragically horrible idea for him to be the messenger in this situation. That's something for her friends or family to bring up to her WITHOUT his prompting, interference, or any of his fingerprints. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Requiem4Dreams Posted August 21, 2014 Share Posted August 21, 2014 The girl you knew is gone. Her attitude and what she's willing to accept now is completely different. Perhaps her priorities have changed, or what she's willing to accept from other people. Mourn the loss and move on, all you're doing is keeping yourself deluded with the prospect of hope, and let's be honest, if she broke up with you there was an underlying reason, regardless of what your heart wants to believe. Every act on your part to interfere in her life, or dig up information on what she's doing is going to limit you from growing from this experience. It sucks, but it is what it is. Focus on yourself, take her off the pedestal, and live your life. Link to post Share on other sites
Lernaean_Hydra Posted August 21, 2014 Share Posted August 21, 2014 No offense, but I couldn't disagree more with this advice. It's one thing if they were removed from the relationship far enough where they could interact on a friend level, but they aren't. It's clear that he's obsessed with her and that any "tattling" on his part is partially a ploy to try to get her back. If one of her actual friends brought this to her attention that's fine, but he's not her friend; he's an ex still raw from the breakup. It's a tragically horrible idea for him to be the messenger in this situation. That's something for her friends or family to bring up to her WITHOUT his prompting, interference, or any of his fingerprints. Oi! you seem to be able to see both sides of the spectrum well enough here so maybe you can help me with this.... Why am I not seeing this straight line from that apparently goes from posting "I will **** you like the slut I wish you to be, then hold you like the princess you are" OR "If it has tires or tits, it's gonna give you problems" directly to future wife-beating philanderer or whatever? Link to post Share on other sites
Simon Phoenix Posted August 21, 2014 Share Posted August 21, 2014 Oi! you seem to be able to see both sides of the spectrum well enough here so maybe you can help me with this.... Why am I not seeing this straight line from that apparently goes from posting "I will **** you like the slut I wish you to be, then hold you like the princess you are" OR "If it has tires or tits, it's gonna give you problems" directly to future wife-beating philanderer or whatever? Honestly, you can't really tell if the guy is just talking s--t to look tough and alpha, trying to get a few laughs with edgy humor or is truly a piece of s--t. I think people are jumping to that to try to sympathize with the OP somewhat, but his true personality can't be accurately gleaned from those statements. However, if I were his boss and I googled his name and saw some of that stuff, I'd probably call him into my office and tell him to be a bit more careful of what he has publicly accessible on the internet. It's easy to jump to conclusions when people post such things if you don't have the context behind it. So at the very least the OP's ex's new guy has questionable judgment in that regard. Link to post Share on other sites
Author broken2828 Posted August 21, 2014 Author Share Posted August 21, 2014 I really think if he were joking, hed add lol or something in the comments, not "true" or "f yeah i will". I make inappropriate and offensive jokes, too. I talked trash just to look tough also. IThose are also big parts of the reason she broke up with me. Link to post Share on other sites
Simon Phoenix Posted August 21, 2014 Share Posted August 21, 2014 I really think if he were joking, hed add lol or something in the comments, not "true" or "f yeah i will". I make inappropriate and offensive jokes, too. I talked trash just to look tough also. IThose are also big parts of the reason she broke up with me. Dude, you don't know this guy, so stop trying to figure him out and stop projecting what you want to happen on this situation. Stop checking up on him and let her do her thing. It's not your fight or your business. If you interject, you'll come off as a stalker weirdo. You don't want to be that guy. Link to post Share on other sites
Author broken2828 Posted August 21, 2014 Author Share Posted August 21, 2014 You dont know her or I, but you judge me, her, and the situation by the text on your screen.... Link to post Share on other sites
lollipopspot Posted August 21, 2014 Share Posted August 21, 2014 OP, I'll say go ahead. Send her a link. Let her do with it what she will, but let her know that it's concerning. I've had a breakup with someone I still really cared about, as you did. Even though he cheated on me, we still really care/d about each other. I don't think it's wrong to give her a heads up. One size doesn't fit all for relationships or breakups. If you're moved to send it, then do. I assume you haven't been told not to contact her or anything like that, so do as you feel. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Requiem4Dreams Posted August 21, 2014 Share Posted August 21, 2014 Dude, he's not judging you. He's making a observation based on every brokenhearted person whom has ever posted on this forum. You think you are special, that you don't fit the profile of basically everyone here? Your emotions are raw, so I'll cut you some slack, but you're making rookie mistakes that every brokenhearted person does to try to win back their ex, and I can tell you right now it will blow up in your face. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
todreaminblue Posted August 21, 2014 Share Posted August 21, 2014 No offense, but I couldn't disagree more with this advice. It's one thing if they were removed from the relationship far enough where they could interact on a friend level, but they aren't. It's clear that he's obsessed with her and that any "tattling" on his part is partially a ploy to try to get her back. If one of her actual friends brought this to her attention that's fine, but he's not her friend; he's an ex still raw from the breakup. It's a tragically horrible idea for him to be the messenger in this situation. That's something for her friends or family to bring up to her WITHOUT his prompting, interference, or any of his fingerprints. i see your point simon, and i agree in part............i did write she is not his girl anymore, and i would hope him wanting her to know is more out of concern for her......than any sort of idea or plan to get her back......this guy could eb as another poster said completely harmless, she may have changed who she is and what she expects from a guy....i still stand by what i wrote.....if anything she will make her choice and it very well maybe to let the op go and continue the relationship with her current boyfriend.....if the relationship is strong....and the communication is good in her current relationship, then it will survive the info he gives......deb Link to post Share on other sites
Simon Phoenix Posted August 21, 2014 Share Posted August 21, 2014 You dont know her or I, but you judge me, her, and the situation by the text on your screen.... I know human nature and how people perceive such actions from exes. And if you were so confident that it would be received warmly, you wouldn't have started a thread on here outlying the situation and asking for advice. So deep down I think you do realize that acting out could be perceived quite negatively. Honestly, you are better off just letting her be an adult. She has friends that can play the concerned role. But in the vast majority of situations, an ex acting in the way you want to act (even if you are being 100 percent genuine and not hoping this act serves as a way to make you "look good") is not going to be received warmly from the other person. Honestly, if you love someone, you have to let them live life independently. If she came to you for advice, that's one thing, but doing this completely unsolicited will not paint you in a good light even if you are doing this completely selflessly. You can argue and whine against it all you want, but that's the way situations like this roll regardless of the breakup and the personalities behind the break up. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Simon Phoenix Posted August 21, 2014 Share Posted August 21, 2014 i see your point simon, and i agree in part............i did write she is not his girl anymore, and i would hope him wanting her to know is more out of concern for her......than any sort of idea or plan to get her back......this guy could eb as another poster said completely harmless, she may have changed who she is and what she expects from a guy....i still stand by what i wrote.....if anything she will make her choice and it very well maybe to let the op go and continue the relationship with her current boyfriend.....if the relationship is strong....and the communication is good in her current relationship, then it will survive the info he gives......deb Even if it is more out of concern for her, she's not going to believe that his motivations are 100% on the level and most likely resent him from butting it to her life. It's not his role to be that guy at this point. If she came to him for advice, that's one thing, but this would be completely unsolicited and cause more problems for him than rewards. Link to post Share on other sites
lollipopspot Posted August 21, 2014 Share Posted August 21, 2014 OP, do you find her to be a particularly naive or vulnerable person? Link to post Share on other sites
Author broken2828 Posted August 21, 2014 Author Share Posted August 21, 2014 I wouldnt say naive, but she always gets burned by being too trusting.Most definitely vulnerable. Shes basically all alone down there, far from home, and just dumped me just over three months ago. We were together 5 years. Yes, honestly part of me does believe this will help me get her back. Another part of me, an equal portion, just doesnt want to see her used. Simon Phoenix, I do appreciate you playing devil's advocate, and believe me a dialogue almost identical to the one we are having has been playing out in my head. I want to challenge your ideas and i want you to challenge mine, so that hopefully in the process ill be able to work out the best course of action. She has already accused me of over stepping my boundaries and intruding into her life, s this is shaky ground. Wouldnt the truely selfless, loving thing to do be sacrificing my reputation in here eyes in order to potentially help her ? Link to post Share on other sites
Requiem4Dreams Posted August 21, 2014 Share Posted August 21, 2014 Yes, honestly part of me does believe this will help me get her back. This answers your query right there. Even a hint of that hope makes your desire to rationalize this attempt at communication moot. Link to post Share on other sites
lollipopspot Posted August 21, 2014 Share Posted August 21, 2014 If she's told you to back off, then you'd best do that. Do you still talk? Link to post Share on other sites
Author broken2828 Posted August 21, 2014 Author Share Posted August 21, 2014 I honestly believe theres a greater chance it could ruin my chances pf getting her back, and even jeopardize our friendship, whic while infinitely precious to me is already hanging on by a thread. Link to post Share on other sites
Simon Phoenix Posted August 21, 2014 Share Posted August 21, 2014 She has already accused me of over stepping my boundaries and intruding into her life, s this is shaky ground. Then there's your answer. Do not do it. If you've been warned not to intrude, then don't intrude. This isn't rocket science. You intruding after she asked you not to would make you look more like a disrespectful jackass than the guy you think is a disrespectful jackass. Wouldnt the truely selfless, loving thing to do be sacrificing my reputation in here eyes in order to potentially help her ? No. It's selfish. You already said you want her back. And if anything, it'd be harmful, because she'd be more likely to stay with him despite any red flags to spite you for not respecting her boundaries. So you meddling would cause more harm than good with the information that we have. Honestly, I'm not trying to make you feel bad. I'm just not going to treat you with kid gloves. Almost every guy has had this impulse and it's simply a bad impulse to have. For better or worse, she wants to do her own thing and you need to allow her the freedom to do that, even if you don't agree with her decisions. I'm not playing devil's advocate -- I'm telling you that what you want to do is just a terrible idea. The more you try to exhibit control, the more she'll resent you and rebel. I know it's not what you want to hear, but it's what you have to hear because it's the truth. Link to post Share on other sites
Simon Phoenix Posted August 21, 2014 Share Posted August 21, 2014 Honestly OP, you have to stop torturing yourself. By staying in communication with her and checking up on her, all you are doing is hurting yourself unnecessarily. What you had is over and you have to come to terms with that. Until you accept that, life is going to suck. Once you detach, work on what you feel you need to and recover, things will get better. But you are hanging on to any sort of thread to try to maintain something that is over. Link to post Share on other sites
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