In the mind of a dumper - finally got some closure

[Davidlarsson]

No, she's postponing it because it's easier for her, and she isn't as affected by it. It's hard to understand, but she's not as emotional as you about it. She has no idea that it affects you the way it does. Sucks.

 

i guess its just back to nc then and see what happens. thought i could finally have a reason in which i did not need to be in contact with her.

[BC1980]

i guess its just back to nc then and see what happens. thought i could finally have a reason in which i did not need to be in contact with her.

 

Here's what I would do. Tell her to drop the stuff off with family or friends the next time she comes back home. If you get it, you get it. If you don't, you don't, and you just can't control that. After that text, don't talk to her again, and I think I would let her know you intend to stop contact.

[Purepony]

You had a question about what your next move should be since “the ball is in your court”. Here is what I would get from this metaphor if I were you, given this situation. I suspect that in the past the interactions or exchanges between you two when things became difficult, she would act in one way, and you would react in another, or vise verse. Moreover, both patterns of behaviors that typically followed afterwards were consistent. Therefore, as mentioned by your ex in her letter, there was a time recently that you did not respond as she had anticipated which surprised and hurt her. Are you following along so far?

 

Here is what is really happening, as I perceive it. After sending you the letter, she had already made a predictable assumption, or conjecture about what your reaction was going to be, going off experiences in your relationship. To her, there would be no question that once you read the injustice or infraction that had upset her emotional well-being you would do X, Y, or Z. When she reached out to you, she wanted you to feel her pain, and expected you to deliver. When you did not respond to how she had expected you to, she was not happy. Here is the good news for you. Your ex has unknowingly given up her game, simply by telling you that she does not like it when you do not behave, react, or display specific emotions that she thinks you would typically do, and then you do not.

When you do not react, do not respond, or even become a man of mystery, she is not sure what you are thinking, and that fact is validated throughout her letter to you.

 

I am going to be brutally honest with you about what I think is truly happening here or has happened in the past. Your ex is insecure with herself, probably about 75% time, and she depends on the people that she knows, along with her personal burdens, to carry her through life. While the other 25% she does it alone, which more than likely means that she is self-medicating in some form of substance abuse, addictive behavior/overly focused, or in other ways to receive an immediate gratification for that moment (shopping, eating, obsessive about appearance, partying, etc.). Hence, the rhetoric used that she knows that she has to change the activities in her life that are bad for her.

 

 

My point is, when she senses that she may be losing the control that she once held over you, or pitched in your direction is no longer working to her advantage, she begins to emotionally unravel. She is telling you, in so many words, what pushes her over the edge and it has nothing to do with loving you, or leaving you, missing you, or needing you, it has to do with losing the control that she once had over you.

 

 

The ball is in your court because you are in charge of the next move. If you are serious about getting emotionally better and moving on, then you are going to have to prove it to her. You say it best, when you say nothing at all. Period. End of story.

 

 

Stop giving her what she expects. As hard as it may seem, once you start to rewrite the rules for your own life, you will feel like a new man. Empowered even, which is good, you want that. Commit to radio silence with her, cut off all forms of communication. If you weaken at some point by getting in touch with her, get over it, and get back in the game, your game plan. She expects you to call, to write, to text, or to solicit any other possibility that you can as an attempt to get in touch with her, because she “knows you”. Well, this time, you are not going to pass the ball to her, so to speak, and it will totally blow her away. She might even entertain the idea that perhaps, you have grown a pair. She will doubt her boyfriend compass, the one that she used to gather information from what you had told her, which she used to read you and gauge your next move. By you not sharing your feelings with her, gives you the upper hand, and in turn, loosens her grip on controlling the situation. She has no other recourse but to wonder, if it is quite possible, that you have moved on without her. Now, what does that mean for that to happen?

 

You will not participate in any of the following dumbass moves. There is no middle of the night just wanted to say hello and I miss you calls, or random, drunken texts with a litany of how much fun you are having, and by no means, absolutely, no selfies, especially selfies with duck lipped girls or friends posing with the mutha*** signs. We all know that only really hurting, sad, and desperate people engage in behaviors like those listed above, and then somehow find a way to let their ex be privy to it via social media, as if the ex cared.

 

If you stay strong and focus on the desired outcome you want to happen, even if that means getting back together with her, you will need to become aloof. This will be the most efficient attitude to adopt for yourself, and one of the quickest ways to pique her interest in you again, if that is your goal. On the other hand, she may disappear from your life all together, maybe forever, or duration of time, and you will have to accept that. Go out and find someone new while she is gone. Your ex is no longer your problem, and besides, you are not the one responsible for finding her ways to successfully function in her environment, that is her job.

 

My two cents, this girl really needs to discover who she is, what she wants out of her life, and how she is going to make that happen for herself. She really needs to find some answers to what really impedes her from growing up. I hope that after some time has passed on her own she will learn to recognize that she doesn't get to use the people in her life because she is afraid of living. Then maybe she will become the hero in her own story, and a self-confident woman in the process. I bet then she’ll be able to erase that victim mentality that she had written into her story with you. Even better, she’ll come to the realization that she passed up wonderful opportunities that you would have given her. Hopefully though, maybe along the way, she would have learned some powerful lessons from her past mistakes and then makes the effort not to repeat the same mistakes all over again. Really, you have nothing to lose and everything to gain. It’s your call, your game, make it happen. Good luck.

 

 

Damn! That's scary accurate

[Gatema]

Simply reply:

 

Oh, I'm sorry babe, but I'm afraid that you have now reached the maximum number of times I allow for dealing with bat**** crazy women for this calendar year.

Once you have returned my possessions to the designation that I've left with my family, consider yourself dead to me.

[Davidlarsson]

yupp so I did. told her to get in contact with anyone in my family about the bag as well as the suggestions for furniture and then blocked instantly. NC from this day, starting now! I have a mixed variety of feelings that varies from every hour, but i am confident everything will clear as my life gets back on track as well!

[BC1980]

yupp so I did. told her to get in contact with anyone in my family about the bag as well as the suggestions for furniture and then blocked instantly. NC from this day, starting now! I have a mixed variety of feelings that varies from every hour, but i am confident everything will clear as my life gets back on track as well!

 

It's really hard in the short term, and you second guess yourself. In the long term, you will know you did the right thing. Haven't spoken to my ex in 8 months, and it's honestly a relief at this point. He can easily get in contact with family if he wants to repay the money. He actually mailed some of my stuff to me after 6 months NC. Some shoes and some books. You hear from them when you don't expect it. It was really odd to get that stuff in the mail when I have actually left much more valuable stuff at the house. That's why NC is so essential. I don't have time to deal with his weirdness, sending me stuff in the mail 6 months later.

[Gatema]

There's nothing more liberating than climbing back on top of that big pile of emotional bullcrap dumped on you when your ex decides to adois.

 

Here's a practice that I have chosen to adopt in the last several years:

 

There's a strong belief behind the theory, that is, with those whose life work has been dedicated to the "workings of the mind business", so to speak, when dealing with a conflict or difficult interactions among humans. When there is a specific behavioral change made by a person, the chances for a better outcome, or end results, in their favor, doubles.

 

The documentation proves, and is still true to date, that in 85% of the case studies observed, during ongoing, confrontational exchanges, when one person is the dominant party, and the other person is the more submissive one, there's an alternative approach to consider to change the situation.

 

If the submissive person mindset becomes one that people will give you as much sh** as you will take, the dynamics of this knowledge can be used as a tool to their advantage.

 

Once the submissive party is no longer allowing, putting up with, or a party to any more BS, from the person inflicting it, there's an immediate role reversal put in to place. What happens: it disarms the power from one, and gives it back to the other.

 

Makes perfect sense to me...... especially for any given situation that could be a potential nightmare.

[Davidlarsson]

So annoying. The best friend of my ex works at my new job and she keeps talking about my ex when weet durinh breaks. I am sure she just doing it without thinking but she asks questions which my ex aldo adked but which i did not reply to. Its like shes snooping around for my exs behalfbut I cant confront her and ask her to stop since im not sure...

[NoLeafClover]

So annoying. The best friend of my ex works at my new job and she keeps talking about my ex when weet durinh breaks. I am sure she just doing it without thinking but she asks questions which my ex aldo adked but which i did not reply to. Its like shes snooping around for my exs behalfbut I cant confront her and ask her to stop since im not sure...

 

tell ur exs friend since the breakup your penis grew 3 inches longer and 2 inches thicker and can now be handled ONLY by real women and has no time for little whiny b***es.

[Gatema]

NoLeafClover

Perfect! I'd love to be there for that little comeback.

[BC1980]

So annoying. The best friend of my ex works at my new job and she keeps talking about my ex when weet durinh breaks. I am sure she just doing it without thinking but she asks questions which my ex aldo adked but which i did not reply to. Its like shes snooping around for my exs behalfbut I cant confront her and ask her to stop since im not sure...

 

I would ask her not to talk about your ex, or just seem really disinterested and change the subject. She's probably fishing for information.

[Davidlarsson]

Bad bad day. I am getting tired of this roller coaster. some days I just cant drop it and keep obsessing about her. Its so annoying because it really takes all my focus. Any tips on how to force these thoughts out or on how to approach them?

[NopeNah]

Bad bad day. I am getting tired of this roller coaster. some days I just cant drop it and keep obsessing about her. Its so annoying because it really takes all my focus. Any tips on how to force these thoughts out or on how to approach them?

 

Find another "goal" to focus on and put all the energy you're wasting on the ex on that purpose.

[Davidlarsson]

So its been a while since I was here. I am feeling so much better these days even though I keep thinking of her so often. I also got my first "I miss you so much these days" message. I have not replied, But I do snoop around on social media every now and then. Its like when I get an urge to look, I find something I dont wanna see and get an initial chock, then a day goes

by and I think rationally about what i just saw and then dont care as much. anyways it all gets better, 3 months now and ive changed so much Im so proud of myself in the way im handeling this and how this gave me the opportunity to fully focus on improving myself into a better and stronget version.

[Purepony]

This was a good insight