In the mind of a dumper - finally got some closure

[Davidlarsson]

I'm afraid that I had a much different impression of this letter from your ex girlfriend. Just for the record, and perhaps it's simply because of the translation, I have to disagree with several of the comments, that this letter was beautifully written, that is, in the grammatical sense of the matter; thankfully, this is not the issue here. May I point out what I found to be the common denominator throughout her letter to you? It appears that she vacillates between staying with you and leaving you. Your ex regales that she had no other choice but to bail on you. Hmm, a bit adolescent like, which is what most emotionally healthy people would assume. However, the most glaring message throughout her letter pontificates numerous excuses for her bad behavior, and absolution from her misdeeds and actions. Honestly, this letter was nothing more than a written manifesto from her perspective, pleading her case by dissecting the times that you two were together. Then she wrapped it in the form of a good-bye letter before sending it off to you. Unfortunately, or fortunately, it’s your call, and really depends on how dedicated you are to moving on; the ball is in your court. You can’t let yourself buckle, ignore the fantasy, and stop thinking that she has reached out to you in some convoluted and rambling exposé, because she has not. Please read between the lines; grasp one important concept, if anything, that your ex fears commitment, and suffers from being extremely love confused.

I hope my candor motivates you enough to recognize that this chapter in your life should close. Luckily, you are a young man with endless opportunities before you. Get unstuck. Try not to focus on the ending, or about her any more than you have to, get busy creating a new life. Convince yourself that you are not willing to live in a back and forth existence and that you do not intend on surrounding yourself with a constant state of living in limbo. Be honest with yourself, dig deep, down to your soul even, then acknowledge the facts for what the truth is, and what is clearly evident, even to a stranger like me. Then finally admit it, that your ex girlfriend is only capable of being in that type of relationship that you are trying your very best to avoid. Good luck to you.

 

I am trying to understand. Well, I do get the part that I should move on. But what are my options? As you said the ball is in my court.

[Davidlarsson]

It's so annoying because she keeps writing to me with this random stuff which we have already agreed and decided on. I want to tell her to stay away, but at the same time I don't. Think it's better to just ignore and move on. Why would she continue to write after a ending letter like that. I mean, if she wants to have her space and be by herself why continue talking to me...

[BC1980]

It's so annoying because she keeps writing to me with this random stuff which we have already agreed and decided on. I want to tell her to stay away, but at the same time I don't. Think it's better to just ignore and move on. Why would she continue to write after a ending letter like that. I mean, if she wants to have her space and be by herself why continue talking to me...

 

See, this is exactly why her sending this letter is of no help to you. Anytime the lines of communication are opened, it creates confusion. I know a lot of people chimed in and said how nice it was of her to send the letter, but, honestly, it's of no help to you. When you breakup, all lines of communication need to be severed to help you heal. You cannot afford to get emotionally involved with her on any level, and that letter came off as patronizing to me. She wrote that letter for herself, but I'm not even saying she did it consciously.

 

Why is she staying in touch with you? I think the main reason people stay in touch is to hedge their bets so to speak. They don't want to be on bad terms should your paths cross in the future. What if she needs you for something one day? What if she changes her mind? Rest assured, that her contact has about zero to do with helping you move on. It's a common and selfish move.

[BC1980]

I gotta say though, that I do feel better after receiving the letter then before. Because then it was just so much confusion.

 

And now you're right back in that state of confusion. It's common. You get contact from an ex, things are said trying to make sense of things, you walk away and feel so much better as if you have come to some epiphany, and you can finally move on. A few weeks later, reality hits, and more confusion comes.

 

I will always maintain that all lines of communication need to be severed for you to move on and heal. You absolutely do not need to get emotionally involved with her in any way or in any circumstances.

[Davidlarsson]

See, this is exactly why her sending this letter is of no help to you. Anytime the lines of communication are opened, it creates confusion. I know a lot of people chimed in and said how nice it was of her to send the letter, but, honestly, it's of no help to you. When you breakup, all lines of communication need to be severed to help you heal. You cannot afford to get emotionally involved with her on any level, and that letter came off as patronizing to me. She wrote that letter for herself, but I'm not even saying she did it consciously.

 

Why is she staying in touch with you? I think the main reason people stay in touch is to hedge their bets so to speak. They don't want to be on bad terms should your paths cross in the future. What if she needs you for something one day? What if she changes her mind? Rest assured, that her contact has about zero to do with helping you move on. It's a common and selfish move.

 

 

Well we bought a bed together last year which he have both payed for together, but since I moved back she told me I could take the bed and just continue the payment by myself, but this we have already spoken about several times and we both know what is decided regarding this bed. It's funny because every 5 days she writes, exactly 5 days it takes for her to write something and has been like that since we broke up. keep in mind I am not the one initiating contact so I feel proud of that but I won't answer this time.

[BC1980]

Well we bought a bed together last year which he have both payed for together, but since I moved back she told me I could take the bed and just continue the payment by myself, but this we have already spoken about several times and we both know what is decided regarding this bed. It's funny because every 5 days she writes, exactly 5 days it takes for her to write something and has been like that since we broke up. keep in mind I am not the one initiating contact so I feel proud of that but I won't answer this time.

 

A lot of dumpers initiate contact. My ex used to text me about every 3 days with some useless mess. The bottom line is that her contacting you doesn't help you move on. Either block her or, tell her not to contact you.

[hurts2death]

my ex dumper still calls me. it is really a throwback.

[SoThatHappened]

A lot of dumpers initiate contact. My ex used to text me about every 3 days with some useless mess. The bottom line is that her contacting you doesn't help you move on. Either block her or, tell her not to contact you.

Yep, totally agree. Ex's who do that are keeping you on the hook.

 

Don't let them do that to you. I let this happen for 2 months and she came back to me. Just to crap on my heart again 7 months later.

[Davidlarsson]

Yep, totally agree. Ex's who do that are keeping you on the hook.

 

Don't let them do that to you. I let this happen for 2 months and she came back to me. Just to crap on my heart again 7 months later.

 

Yeah I know, it's like she dosn't understand what it acctualy does to me when she contacts me. How can you not understand that you need some time to heal? Especially since was the one who wanted the time alone. It's just so respectless to keep someone "on the hook", yet it's like I dont want to tell her not to contact me, feels easier to just ignore. But im not sure..

[BC1980]

Yeah I know, it's like she dosn't understand what it acctualy does to me when she contacts me. How can you not understand that you need some time to heal? Especially since was the one who wanted the time alone. It's just so respectless to keep someone "on the hook", yet it's like I dont want to tell her not to contact me, feels easier to just ignore. But im not sure..

 

You can't expect her to understand how you feel. She left you, so she is in a completely different place. It's up to you to set the boundaries in order to move on. One thing we do is project our feelings onto another person, or we expect that the other person would react, in a situation, the same way we would. I didn't even realize the extent to which I was doing those things until this recent breakup.

 

We might think it's totally heartless to keep someone on the hook and keep in contact, but that has no bearing on what the other person thinks. She probably views her actions in an entirely different light, but it's not up to you to convince her of what she is doing. You have to realize that most people are inherently self-centered and go to great lengths to convince themselves that their course of action is right. I'm not saying people are all a-holes who only care about themselves. I'm saying that we can only understand our point of view, so we end up doing things that benefit us in the long term. She contacts you ever so often because she wants to make sure you are okay, and she wants to stay on good terms with you. Doing so makes her feel good, but it's not in your best interest.

 

Anyway, I know that you enjoy her initiating contact because it does sort of give you a validation that your ex thinks about you. I used to feel the same way. I would feel a vindication that my ex kept initiating contact with me, but, after several months, I realized that it was all games and of no help to me. If anything, you are helping the other person slowly transition out of the relationship.

[Davidlarsson]

Anyway, I know that you enjoy her initiating contact because it does sort of give you a validation that your ex thinks about you. I used to feel the same way. I would feel a vindication that my ex kept initiating contact with me, but, after several months, I realized that it was all games and of no help to me. If anything, you are helping the other person slowly transition out of the relationship.

 

So what did you do?

[BC1980]

So what did you do?

 

I texted him to please stop contacting me if he only intended to be friends. He sent me an email that basically said that he would always remember me, I would always have a place in his heart, and he understood my wishes for no further contact. He said all the typical stuff that your ex said. He was happy for our time together, and he was sorry it had turned out the way it had. Him saying those things did me no good and actually caused me anger as time went on. Most of the letters sent by the dumpers are similar. I think of them as stock letters (like stock characters in literature, they reoccur). I'd wager that there isn't a wealth of emotion behind the letters.

 

I know that I told him to stop contacting me to get a reaction out of him. I also did it because I knew I needed to be free from him, but I can't say I didn't hope it provoked him to rethink things. Of course, he didn't fight me at all, and he went away quietly. So I also ended up more humiliated because he didn't fight for me. I was still in a lot of denial at the time, but that has faded with time.

Edited August 16, 2014 by BC1980

[SoThatHappened]

^^^Ugh... I hear you BC1980. Sucks :/

[Gatema]

You had a question about what your next move should be since “the ball is in your court”. Here is what I would get from this metaphor if I were you, given this situation. I suspect that in the past the interactions or exchanges between you two when things became difficult, she would act in one way, and you would react in another, or vise verse. Moreover, both patterns of behaviors that typically followed afterwards were consistent. Therefore, as mentioned by your ex in her letter, there was a time recently that you did not respond as she had anticipated which surprised and hurt her. Are you following along so far?

 

Here is what is really happening, as I perceive it. After sending you the letter, she had already made a predictable assumption, or conjecture about what your reaction was going to be, going off experiences in your relationship. To her, there would be no question that once you read the injustice or infraction that had upset her emotional well-being you would do X, Y, or Z. When she reached out to you, she wanted you to feel her pain, and expected you to deliver. When you did not respond to how she had expected you to, she was not happy. Here is the good news for you. Your ex has unknowingly given up her game, simply by telling you that she does not like it when you do not behave, react, or display specific emotions that she thinks you would typically do, and then you do not.

When you do not react, do not respond, or even become a man of mystery, she is not sure what you are thinking, and that fact is validated throughout her letter to you.

 

I am going to be brutally honest with you about what I think is truly happening here or has happened in the past. Your ex is insecure with herself, probably about 75% time, and she depends on the people that she knows, along with her personal burdens, to carry her through life. While the other 25% she does it alone, which more than likely means that she is self-medicating in some form of substance abuse, addictive behavior/overly focused, or in other ways to receive an immediate gratification for that moment (shopping, eating, obsessive about appearance, partying, etc.). Hence, the rhetoric used that she knows that she has to change the activities in her life that are bad for her.

 

 

My point is, when she senses that she may be losing the control that she once held over you, or pitched in your direction is no longer working to her advantage, she begins to emotionally unravel. She is telling you, in so many words, what pushes her over the edge and it has nothing to do with loving you, or leaving you, missing you, or needing you, it has to do with losing the control that she once had over you.

 

 

The ball is in your court because you are in charge of the next move. If you are serious about getting emotionally better and moving on, then you are going to have to prove it to her. You say it best, when you say nothing at all. Period. End of story.

 

 

Stop giving her what she expects. As hard as it may seem, once you start to rewrite the rules for your own life, you will feel like a new man. Empowered even, which is good, you want that. Commit to radio silence with her, cut off all forms of communication. If you weaken at some point by getting in touch with her, get over it, and get back in the game, your game plan. She expects you to call, to write, to text, or to solicit any other possibility that you can as an attempt to get in touch with her, because she “knows you”. Well, this time, you are not going to pass the ball to her, so to speak, and it will totally blow her away. She might even entertain the idea that perhaps, you have grown a pair. She will doubt her boyfriend compass, the one that she used to gather information from what you had told her, which she used to read you and gauge your next move. By you not sharing your feelings with her, gives you the upper hand, and in turn, loosens her grip on controlling the situation. She has no other recourse but to wonder, if it is quite possible, that you have moved on without her. Now, what does that mean for that to happen?

 

You will not participate in any of the following dumbass moves. There is no middle of the night just wanted to say hello and I miss you calls, or random, drunken texts with a litany of how much fun you are having, and by no means, absolutely, no selfies, especially selfies with duck lipped girls or friends posing with the mutha*** signs. We all know that only really hurting, sad, and desperate people engage in behaviors like those listed above, and then somehow find a way to let their ex be privy to it via social media, as if the ex cared.

 

If you stay strong and focus on the desired outcome you want to happen, even if that means getting back together with her, you will need to become aloof. This will be the most efficient attitude to adopt for yourself, and one of the quickest ways to pique her interest in you again, if that is your goal. On the other hand, she may disappear from your life all together, maybe forever, or duration of time, and you will have to accept that. Go out and find someone new while she is gone. Your ex is no longer your problem, and besides, you are not the one responsible for finding her ways to successfully function in her environment, that is her job.

 

My two cents, this girl really needs to discover who she is, what she wants out of her life, and how she is going to make that happen for herself. She really needs to find some answers to what really impedes her from growing up. I hope that after some time has passed on her own she will learn to recognize that she doesn't get to use the people in her life because she is afraid of living. Then maybe she will become the hero in her own story, and a self-confident woman in the process. I bet then she’ll be able to erase that victim mentality that she had written into her story with you. Even better, she’ll come to the realization that she passed up wonderful opportunities that you would have given her. Hopefully though, maybe along the way, she would have learned some powerful lessons from her past mistakes and then makes the effort not to repeat the same mistakes all over again. Really, you have nothing to lose and everything to gain. It’s your call, your game, make it happen. Good luck.

Edited August 17, 2014 by Gatema

[Davidlarsson]

You had a question about what your next move should be since “the ball is in your court”.

 

Just a really big thank you for this post. I am so glad I found this forum.

[born]

Now imagine her getting laid on the bed that you two bought together... why do you even talk to her? You are not friends or lovers ... cut her off completly or you will be in pain for ever. You should start nc and erase everything from your mind. Its the only way for her to miss you and for you to get on with life and find a new gf. Dont worry she aint gonna forget you ... someone that i know had his ex come back after 40 years ... she dumped him to get married to someone 18 years older ... guess who she contacted after her husbanded died ... and ofcourse he replied something that its dead cant be revived

[Davidlarsson]

Here I am exactly one month after I returned home. I hate you so much for being in my thoughts all the time. I hate you so much for dreaming about you every night realizing it's only a dream. I hate you for giving up a relationship so easily. I hate you for not letting me know how you felt through all these months of being insecure in our relationship. I am so frustrated and I just want to answer your last message, I keep looking at your facebook to just get some input in your life even though we're not friends. I just want you to get home to our town again, even though I know it would never be the same. I want you to understand the mistake you did, or more, I want myself to understand that it's over, that we're done, that I need to move on with my life.

 

Yet I stay here, infront of the computer ever night waiting, dreaming, wanting you in my life. You say it's about you finding yourself, yet you are more commited ever to expose yourself as a single lady, to be looked at and admired by others. You keep writing random bull**** to me even though you said you wanted space when I did not, and now when I do you keep writing and it ****ing hurts. Don't you understand that im suffering? Don't you understand your causing me pain? If you want me the best, either say you're sorry or don't say anything at all. I hope one day soon I will have woken up one night without you in my dreams, without waking up in a chock looking at my phone if you've written to me.

[Gatema]

Just a really big thank you for this post. I am so glad I found this forum.

 

You're welcome. I hope this forum continues to get you through the times when you can't stop thinking about your situation. If anything, you'll be able to focus on other issues besides just the ones that you have with your ex.

[hurts2death]

David that a healthy reaction man.

 

i am still sometimes see her in my dreams.not that much though. cant control the dreams thats the last part.the latest and hardest.you are doing well i see. just think she made a choice. she LEFT knowing.you must just stop wanting her anymore.,

Here I am exactly one month after I returned home. I hate you so much for being in my thoughts all the time. I hate you so much for dreaming about you every night realizing it's only a dream. I hate you for giving up a relationship so easily. I hate you for not letting me know how you felt through all these months of being insecure in our relationship. I am so frustrated and I just want to answer your last message, I keep looking at your facebook to just get some input in your life even though we're not friends. I just want you to get home to our town again, even though I know it would never be the same. I want you to understand the mistake you did, or more, I want myself to understand that it's over, that we're done, that I need to move on with my life.

 

Yet I stay here, infront of the computer ever night waiting, dreaming, wanting you in my life. You say it's about you finding yourself, yet you are more commited ever to expose yourself as a single lady, to be looked at and admired by others. You keep writing random bull**** to me even though you said you wanted space when I did not, and now when I do you keep writing and it ****ing hurts. Don't you understand that im suffering? Don't you understand your causing me pain? If you want me the best, either say you're sorry or don't say anything at all. I hope one day soon I will have woken up one night without you in my dreams, without waking up in a chock looking at my phone if you've written to me.

[Davidlarsson]

You're welcome. I hope this forum continues to get you through the times when you can't stop thinking about your situation. If anything, you'll be able to focus on other issues besides just the ones that you have with your ex.

 

Indeed, and it's really funny how the days are so different. Today i've felt great compared to other days and how I acctualy am looking forward in the making of my new life.

[BC1980]

Indeed, and it's really funny how the days are so different. Today i've felt great compared to other days and how I acctualy am looking forward in the making of my new life.

 

It's a roller coaster at first. Some days, I would be so angry that it affected my work, and I would snap at my family. Other days, you will feel intensely sad. Then, the next day, you will be resolved to move on, only to feel terribly next week. Give it a few months, and it should even out. Just don't accept anymore contact with her under any circumstances.

[Davidlarsson]

So I have had two good days now, so I decided to play some football today. I played for two hours and got so exhausted. But now afterwards I almost feel more depressed then before. Have anyone else experienced this?

[Gatema]

Awe, holding on to your enthusiasm to return a whole person again, when the majority of the time seems comparable to trying to fill your backyard swimming with water using a measuring cup, I totally get it. It's daunting to look or to think about the size of the task a head of you, the feelings of defeat seem to trump your basic desire to get the job done. Although, let me give you a visual that may help you, or put things in perspective if anything. There's really very little differences between each of these adventures. If your job is to fill the backyard swimming pool with a measuring cup, or being forced to accept that you are no longer with this person and you must embrace the break up to move on, while both seem absolutely futile, neither one of them are impossible. If you tell yourself that you can't do it, well, chances are you won't get very far. If, for some miraculous reason, you do make a little progress, and it's done so, with very little effort produced by you in a half assed approach because your not allowing your heart and your mind to work together in tandem. However, If you make the decision that you truly want to recover from this break up and the only available option for getting past those dreaded, horrible, gut wrenching days (where swimming with sharks seems much easier) you are going to have to do what it takes, in the very best way that you can because you deserve to be happy. If it takes determination, then determination is what you're going to use, the weapons that's going to help you to get out of your own way and move on. You see, there's a culprit personality that exists inside each one of us. It's the personality that's known as the emotional midget side of a person. It's the one that doesn't want to grow up, take risks, or go out on a limb. It's the one that we have to tame once in a while because it loves to feed off of our own insecurities like a thirst dog lapping up water from a bowl. It also so happens to be that nagging voice in our heads, the one telling us that we can't do this, or that, that we are not strong enough, or we will be rejected, so why even try. This is the same voice that's going to hold you back in life, the one with the loudest voice echoing negativities throughout your head until a person caves, throws up their hands and quits before they really ever started. You have to make a conscience effort to turn the volume off from this side of your personality and then proceed with your plan. If you've made the decision that you're not going to lay down your spirit in a bed covered with despair, then you'll have to do a few things first. You'll have to factor in to the equation that moving on is not, in the least, bit easy and the variable so, are ongoing. There will be days that will still bring you to your knees with emotions that seem unbearable at the time, and my friend, it's going to suck, a lot. On the upside to that, just know, that you're not going to die. On the contrary to the crappy days, there's also going to be the days when you just realized that you have actually gone an hour, maybe two, without once playing the same, melancholy, live steam video in your head about your losing the woman of your dreams. Rejoice, celebrate, go for a run, download some cool, new music, buy your buddies a beer.

You see, nothing in life comes to a person without some strings attached or hoops to jump through. Hell's bells, the day you were born your Mom had to endure what's been referred to as an out of body experience. It's filled with unbelievable physical pain and discomfort with no given length of time for when it was all going to end. She was there, with a paper cloth covering her entire body, wires attached, legs spread apart in preparation for the birth. She was in a room surrounded by perfect strangers, eagerly watching her with every push that she tried not make, hearing every guttural scream that she hollered, every filthy word that she belted out, only to hear the attending nurse say that she had at least three more centimeters to go. Only then would it be time for her to push hard enough, through the pain, to give birth to her infant son. Did your Momma want to give up during her 36 hours or so ordeal known as labor. Absolutely, but she declined. Did she get through those embarrassing moments when she uncontrollably released bodily gas throughout the OR room? She had to, she didn't get a chance to vote. Did she roll with every contraction like an experienced sailor guiding his vessel through the swells of the open sea? She did so gallantly. Did she ever question for one second, that going through the labor brought on by childbirth, from birthing another human being, with the same DNA as herself, was not worth the pain, the agony, or risks, in the end. Never. She stuck to her commitment for having a child, she accepted the good with the bad, she stayed focus on what was around the corner for her, she made it happen, alone at times, but she got through it. You, well, you can too.

[SoThatHappened]

Gatema... paragraphs!!!

[Missy0724]

Gatema - I have to say, YOU ROCK. Your posts and advice are some of the best I've heard.

 

Thank you for contributing that! I need to hear these "tough love" words as well, as I'm recovering from a break up as well. This person wanted to stay "friends" after 10 months of an amazing romantic relationship. At first I thought I could do it, but realized it was codependent and not healthy at all. And sorry, I have enough friends. I wanted a boyfriend. Which by breaking up with me, he made the decision that I was no longer wanted in that role. So why go where you are not wanted anymore? It ran it's course... Relationships run their courses. It is very rare these days for a relationship to go long term, or into old age, sitting on the porch at age 90 together. That is just not reality in today's society. People give up too soon, get bored, want that next "fix" or "high", are never satisfied. There is always something or someone "better" out there. And god forbid, we deal with our issues. Nope, just walk away... So let them. Walk away. Find someone who wants you! Their loss.

 

Love yourself, your true friends, your hobbies, your exercise, your job, passions, pets, etc. LIVE. Date multiple people at once. Get out there and live LIFE. Without this damn person who made it very clear they do NOT WANT YOU IN THEIR LIFE anymore.

 

Thank them for setting you free, vs setting you up for more time, months of questioning, unhappiness, more pain.

 

Be free! Exhale and tell yourself it's actually a blessing. Because when the time is right, that person who DOES want you and accepts ALL of you, and wants, sees a future with you...will stick around.

 

If you are younger, in your 20's, even 30's - enjoy this alone time, being single! Because once you settle down, get married... Then there will be a whole bunch of other issues.

 

Think about it - how many truly happily married couples do you know? Do any of us know? Sure, they may act like they are happy. But once you hit 15 years with same person... aaahhh, the trouble begins. A whole new set of problems.

 

So enjoy being single. Do all the things you want to do. Travel, learn a new skill. Do whatever YOU want, before you have this other person, and then kids! too, which will tie you down, and sure, it's awesome in some ways, but you lose yourself in many ways as well, your independence.

 

So enjoy it now!!!