beach Posted August 30, 2014 Share Posted August 30, 2014 Oh - come on now... You are blaming her? How about you own the way YOU participated? That would be more useful. Are you living on your own yet or still with the exW? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted August 31, 2014 Share Posted August 31, 2014 Just read this thread for the first time, and I could have predicted back when you made it that you would have gone back to your wife. Let that be a lesson for Sarah to never date a man unless he is fully single or divorced. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted August 31, 2014 Share Posted August 31, 2014 YOUR behavior added to her distrust of men! Running back to your wife is just being a child with his Mommy. Grow up and stand on your own. Stop hurting women. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author OldRover Posted August 31, 2014 Author Share Posted August 31, 2014 Geeze you guys are brutal. Yes, I'm on my own. And, yes, I'm totally divorced. No I didn't run home to "mommy"..... My ex was understanding, and sympathized with me. It may or may not work out with her, and we both know that. We split up rather gracefully without hating each other and part of that was I made a commitment to do a few things for her, and Sara knew that. Sara is a fine lady, just had an issue that was devastating... and that happened way before I left. She didn't trust me anywhere..... and I'm not blaming her, I'll take the blame because I couldn't resolve the issue. I posted on this forum for help in a difficult situation, not to get beat up. I'll own up to my mistakes, I'm not perfect. Still looking for solutions..... Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted August 31, 2014 Share Posted August 31, 2014 The solution is no woman for a long time. Learn to be happy on your own. Your 60+ years old and need to be independent - especially of women. You're still pining for Sarah but still stating that it may or may not work out with your exW. Why do you intend to continue leading two women on - you are just hurting women when you do things this way. If I were Sarah - I'd say "oh hell no"! And going back to your ex is like running back to Mommy - you could have done ANYTHING to go anywhere but there - yet you ran back to the woman you were with for 40 years. There's no security for any woman in being with you under these circumstances. You're still stuck on your exwife. Why did you divorce? Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted August 31, 2014 Share Posted August 31, 2014 Geeze you guys are brutal. Yes, I'm on my own. And, yes, I'm totally divorced. No I didn't run home to "mommy"..... My ex was understanding, and sympathized with me. It may or may not work out with her, and we both know that. We split up rather gracefully without hating each other and part of that was I made a commitment to do a few things for her, and Sara knew that. Sara is a fine lady, just had an issue that was devastating... and that happened way before I left. She didn't trust me anywhere..... and I'm not blaming her, I'll take the blame because I couldn't resolve the issue. I posted on this forum for help in a difficult situation, not to get beat up. I'll own up to my mistakes, I'm not perfect. Still looking for solutions..... No you got involved with Sara while you were still married. Go back with your wife, that is your solution. It's what you're going to do in the end anyway. Leave Sara alone and let her go find a man who isn't and always has beeen between two women. Let her find a man who is physically and emotionally single. Link to post Share on other sites
Author OldRover Posted August 31, 2014 Author Share Posted August 31, 2014 No you got involved with Sara while you were still married. Go back with your wife, that is your solution. It's what you're going to do in the end anyway. Leave Sara alone and let her go find a man who isn't and always has beeen between two women. Let her find a man who is physically and emotionally single. Thanks for the thoughts...... I never intended to go back to the ex or I wouldn't have divorced. The thought came after I left Sara. This has never been between 2 woman, until the thought after I left Sara. Sara has the chance to do whatever she wishes now. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted August 31, 2014 Share Posted August 31, 2014 What caused the divorce? Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted August 31, 2014 Share Posted August 31, 2014 Thanks for the thoughts...... I never intended to go back to the ex or I wouldn't have divorced. The thought came after I left Sara. This has never been between 2 woman, until the thought after I left Sara. Sara has the chance to do whatever she wishes now. I hope you know that going back to your wife would be a huge mistake. Even if Sara really is out of the picture, I hope you'll take the time to just be on your own until you find someone who's right for you. Link to post Share on other sites
beach Posted August 31, 2014 Share Posted August 31, 2014 Thanks for the thoughts...... I never intended to go back to the ex or I wouldn't have divorced. The thought came after I left Sara. This has never been between 2 woman, until the thought after I left Sara. Sara has the chance to do whatever she wishes now. There's no way for Sara to know you didn't have thoughts of using your wife as your safety net or back up plan. She is likely to assume that there was still a connection with the ex tugging at you the whole time you were together. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted August 31, 2014 Share Posted August 31, 2014 There's no way for Sara to know you didn't have thoughts of using your wife as your safety net or back up plan. She is likely to assume that there was still a connection with the ex tugging at you the whole time you were together. I agree with you on this, beach. He put the wheels in motion that pushed the exact wrong buttons for Sara. But he has been talking about her distrust and jealousy as though it's an ongoing thing so I think it would continue to be a problem. Plus, he doesn't seem to think she had a reason to be that jealous over him moving back into his wife's house. I think they would continue to do this dance over and over again. Kind I a losing game. I say start all over and find someone whose buttons he doesn't push. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted September 1, 2014 Share Posted September 1, 2014 I agree with you on this, beach. He put the wheels in motion that pushed the exact wrong buttons for Sara. But he has been talking about her distrust and jealousy as though it's an ongoing thing so I think it would continue to be a problem. Plus, he doesn't seem to think she had a reason to be that jealous over him moving back into his wife's house. I think they would continue to do this dance over and over again. Kind I a losing game. I say start all over and find someone whose buttons he doesn't push. Yes, it's amazing to me how he thinks he did absolutely nothing wrong. Link to post Share on other sites
Author OldRover Posted September 1, 2014 Author Share Posted September 1, 2014 Yes, it's amazing to me how he thinks he did absolutely nothing wrong. Popsicle, Oh, I did a LOT wrong... that's why I'm here. I'm very inexperienced and need advice. And I'll make mistakes in the future. Link to post Share on other sites
beach Posted September 1, 2014 Share Posted September 1, 2014 (edited) Popsicle, Oh, I did a LOT wrong... that's why I'm here. I'm very inexperienced and need advice. And I'll make mistakes in the future. What was the reason you divorced? How did you participate that lead the marriage to end? Talk to a counselor to find out why you're so afraid to be alone. To be honest - you just look like a man who uses women. For a place to live and as your emotional tampon. Edited September 1, 2014 by beach Link to post Share on other sites
Author OldRover Posted September 2, 2014 Author Share Posted September 2, 2014 What was the reason you divorced? How did you participate that lead the marriage to end? Talk to a counselor to find out why you're so afraid to be alone. To be honest - you just look like a man who uses women. For a place to live and as your emotional tampon. Divorce reason posted above. I've tried to treat my ladies as fair as possible. I'm not perfect, but bent over backward for the last one.... And no I'm not afraid to be alone.... which I am now. I'd appreciate advise and a solution... not criticism, which I can take, too.... Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted September 2, 2014 Share Posted September 2, 2014 Divorce reason posted above. I've tried to treat my ladies as fair as possible. I'm not perfect, but bent over backward for the last one.... And no I'm not afraid to be alone.... which I am now. I'd appreciate advise and a solution... not criticism, which I can take, too.... It's hard to offer advice or a solution, really. I kind of thought Sara was the one for you. Your wife shouldn't even be a contender in this deal. So, I'd say try to make it work with Sara, even if she is mad at you right now, or see what the future brings with a new person. I thought you were really nuts about Sara. If she had a reaction to something, then maybe she was justified. It has been my observation that when a man really loves a woman, he can be quite taken back when she gets upset with him. I know my xMM does this. If I express any kind of displeasure about something, he never, ever forgets it and will bring it up 2 yrs later. It's kind of funny, really, except that he reads way more into what I'm actually saying. I finally figured out that he is very sensitive to me not being happy with him, no matter how minor it is. Please make sure that you're not losing Sara for the wrong reasons. It seems like you just give up too easily and draw conclusions perhaps too quickly. Of course, it's possible that you're right about Sara and maybe the whole relationship would be wrong. I just don't know what happened that turned things around. I do know that most women, even if they don't have jealousy issues, would be extremely pissed and insulted if a man moved back in with his wife. Surely, you can see how bad this looked. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted September 2, 2014 Share Posted September 2, 2014 Divorce reason posted above. I've tried to treat my ladies as fair as possible. I'm not perfect, but bent over backward for the last one.... And no I'm not afraid to be alone.... which I am now. I'd appreciate advise and a solution... not criticism, which I can take, too.... But see, you aren't saying what you did to add to the divorce. Your wife quit drinking. Why did you divorce after she quit? Are you a drinker? You played a role in your 40 year marriage yet you keep avoiding telling us what exactly that role looked like for YOU. What would your wife say the reason is that you divorced? Do you have kids? Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted September 2, 2014 Share Posted September 2, 2014 Popsicle, Oh, I did a LOT wrong... that's why I'm here. I'm very inexperienced and need advice. And I'll make mistakes in the future. My advice to you was to stay with your wife and leave sara alone. If you want advice on how to make your marriage better, then you need to get that in the marriage section of this forum or through counseling. I know of a couple of guys who went back with their W after divorcing her. They moved back in and starting doing everything like they used to do, but just never officially/legally remarried them (of course they did this on purpose to have an easy escape). The W is just so happy to have him back she never put her foot down and demanded a remarriage. It sounds like you'd be able to get away with this too. Link to post Share on other sites
Author OldRover Posted September 2, 2014 Author Share Posted September 2, 2014 My advice to you was to stay with your wife and leave sara alone. If you want advice on how to make your marriage better, then you need to get that in the marriage section of this forum or through counseling. I know of a couple of guys who went back with their W after divorcing her. They moved back in and starting doing everything like they used to do, but just never officially/legally remarried them (of course they did this on purpose to have an easy escape). The W is just so happy to have him back she never put her foot down and demanded a remarriage. It sounds like you'd be able to get away with this too. I stayed with the wife for a few days to survive... perhaps a huge mistake. The though of reconnecting entered my mind, but that was probably not good. We have a peaceful relationship and I can live with that. I'm not getting married to anyone at this point, and Sara did accept that from early on. Link to post Share on other sites
Author OldRover Posted September 2, 2014 Author Share Posted September 2, 2014 But see, you aren't saying what you did to add to the divorce. Your wife quit drinking. Why did you divorce after she quit? Are you a drinker? You played a role in your 40 year marriage yet you keep avoiding telling us what exactly that role looked like for YOU. What would your wife say the reason is that you divorced? Do you have kids? You've got this twisted around a lot, and Im looking for advise, not criticism as I mentioned. If you can't help, please don't comment. The divorce was amicable, we both agreed on the reason, and she accepted responsibility. She didn't quit prior to the divorce, if you read the previous posts. I'm moving forward and taking care of thing. This has been a totally new and different experience and I'm sure I've made mistakes. Just need some direction, but I'm getting there. I've fortunately have very good friends and family that understand probably better than I do. The points here are well taken. Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted September 2, 2014 Share Posted September 2, 2014 I just want to see it work out with you and Sara because I know you really love her. I want to see you happy so I'm kinda disappointed, my friend. Link to post Share on other sites
beach Posted September 2, 2014 Share Posted September 2, 2014 It would be useful for you stay on your own for a long while and find inner peace and happiness all by yourself. A long marriage as that is a lot to process when it ends. Have you done counseling since you divorced? If so, what did you learn about yourself. Once trust is broken in any relationship it is difficult to earn it back. It can take years to earn it back. Link to post Share on other sites
Author OldRover Posted September 28, 2014 Author Share Posted September 28, 2014 Update: I've learned a LOT in the past short time. I saw the writing on the wall. I moved out and one my own... moved everything out of the old house, excepting large furniture that I could actually do without. Put some in storage, and moved the rest into my new home. I've eliminated any unnecessary contact with the ex, only what's absolutely necessary, and most can be handled with email or a phone call. The situation with the ex would have never worked and never went anywhere. We remain respectful of each other and are not fighting, but no emotional relationship. Just didn't happen and not going to. I met with a great counselor (actually two, but one was significantly better, and they are hard to find). He was VERY understanding, gave me lots to think about and politely told me where I went wrong and what I needed to do to solve things. It won't be easy, but I'm going to try. I've communicated with Sara, and she did agree to meet, and talk. And we met again.... and had dinner at my place that night... and many dinners and lunches since. Today, it's SIGNIFICANTLY better, and very close to where we were before. She has been very understanding, but I'm certainly not out of the woods. Still have a LOT to do, but I'm back on track. We have both come to the table with an honest attempt to put our relationship back on track. I'm really happy about this. Appreciate all the fine comments on this forum... helped me see the light... THANKS! Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted September 28, 2014 Share Posted September 28, 2014 What happened to being alone for a long while? I'm glad you're growing and learning but it does look like you're afraid to be without a woman. Have you talked to a counselor about that concept to help yourself grow? Link to post Share on other sites
Author OldRover Posted September 29, 2014 Author Share Posted September 29, 2014 What happened to being alone for a long while? I'm glad you're growing and learning but it does look like you're afraid to be without a woman. Have you talked to a counselor about that concept to help yourself grow? 2sunny, Do you live alone? Do you have a mate? Do you have a counselor? Some of us are social and prefer to be with someone... friend or romantic.... and some are loners. I chose not to be a loner. Your choice is yours. Link to post Share on other sites
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