Girl oversharing information on first date

[Lernaean_Hydra]

Would you expect the guy to return the favour by sharing his secrets/flaws/issues/etc? Or are you comfortable if you just put everything on the table for him and he doesn't reciprocate?

 

 

No, not at all. Not everyone is nearly as open as I am so I'm quite comfortable with not hearing equally in-depth stories in return. I don't share things in the hopes of some tit-for-tat exchange; I do it because I'd like to lay everything out as soon as possible and I'm more comfortable with a number of things than a lot of others would be.

 

I mean... *I* won't judge a guy for having a terrible relationship with his father or not speaking to him at all, however a lot of guys would certainly claim I have "daddy issues" or am "crazy" if I said the same. Best to weed those types out early on.

Edited August 10, 2014 by Lernaean_Hydra

[DazedandConfused8]

No, not at all. Not everyone is nearly as open as I am so I'm quite comfortable with not hearing equally in-depth stories in return. I don't share things in the hopes of some tit-for-tat exchange; I do it because I'd like to lay everything out as soon as possible and I'm more comfortable with a number of things than a lot of others would be.

 

I mean... *I* won't judge a guy for having a terrible relationship with his father or not speaking to him at all, however a lot of guys would certainly claim I have "daddy issues" or am "crazy" if I said the same. Best to weed those types out early on.

 

Good to know. I know with the girl I'm speaking of, she's made several distinctions about how I'm the first guy to: not cringe at the size of her family (it's large); not be overly aggressive; not talk her ear off with stories of drunken stupidity; and so on. So it's clear I'm making an impression as being different, I just wouldn't want to be different by being closed up, shy, and unresponsive (in her mind).

[veggirl]

You should probably keep you guard up. She told you she's still getting over a break up. Not surprised that someone who shares all the details of their life in one meeting is also someone who immediately starts dating again w/o fully getting over and healing from the last SO.

[DazedandConfused8]

You should probably keep you guard up. She told you she's still getting over a break up. Not surprised that someone who shares all the details of their life in one meeting is also someone who immediately starts dating again w/o fully getting over and healing from the last SO.

 

+1

 

We've been on one solid date and two other "meetings"/hang outs. She's made it clear that she wants time "to get to know herself" and to "reconnect" with her friends and family. I've caught her attention, but she's made it clear the ball is in her court until/if/when she's the one to make the next move.

[DazedandConfused8]

+1

 

We've been on one solid date and two other "meetings"/hang outs. She's made it clear that she wants time "to get to know herself" and to "reconnect" with her friends and family. I've caught her attention, but she's made it clear the ball is in her court until/if/when she's the one to make the next move.

 

Well, this seems to have plateaued/fizzled out or at least be put on hold

 

First "date"/meeting was for coffee where we talked for 2 hours.

 

Second date/actual first "date" was dinner at a restaurant then going to see a sound and light show then going for drinks. She suggested it be a Friday night (a week after first meeting) since we didn't have anything to do the following morning. We spent about 6 hours together that night, ended with a hug because she gave a big sob story about her ex-fiancee that ended with her saying she wanted "a few months" to find herself and focus on herself. (Friendzone? Wanting to avoid a rebound?) But when we ended with a hug, I walked away, and she said "you're funny," I asked why, and she said because most guys would have "tried something" or "expected something" after the date, so the fact that I just hugged her caught her attention. She texted me that night, thanking me for an awesome night and for being a "gentleman" because she wasn't used to it.

 

Third date was 4 days later: furniture shopping (for my place), we had the same tastes. Visited a few stores and came back to the first one to buy it. Then did some walking around a mall and got supper. Spent about 5 hours together this time.

 

... And that's been it. She went away for the weekend and came back sick because of some food she had eaten. On Monday she said she might be up for getting together on Thursday evening, didn't say anything Tuesday or Wednesday, so Wednesday night I sent a reminder/friendly "hey, if you're still up for something tomorrow night, let me know." Then I got nothing until Friday night (last night), of her apologizing, saying she's still sick and had been busy all week (with school and work starting up in a few weeks). I told her I was still free if she wanted to do something this weekend, to which she said she's quarantining herself to make sure she gets better and doesn't make anyone sick. She apologized for not being more "available" but said she's been busy getting ready for school and work.

 

So... yeah. Not sure where it's going, if it's her legitimate 'sickness' and wanting to recover or her way of saying she's no longer interested.

[DazedandConfused8]

No feedback or comments?

[MissBee]

This is one of those threads where I'm really just baffled by the way people think. Maybe it's because I'm young and social media has sort of conditioned my generation to 'over share' at times but in terms of what she said, none of it is all that odd or something I'd consider "TMI".

 

It sounds to me like she was, as another posted stated earlier, simply doing so as a way to weed out unsuitable/ill-matched candidates. She laid all her cards out and it's up to you whether you want to take the bet or fold. I have a habit of doing what I guess could be considered "over-sharing" early on for the very same reasons.

 

Not only am I product of divorce, but a witness to domestic violence from near infancy into adolescence. My step-father was a serial cheater who also physically abused my mother; I used to be massively overweight and severely depressed, I used to self-harm, etc. All these things left their mark on me and lord knows I'm flawed as all hell because of it.

 

SO, that being the case, I have certain issues that I still deal with from time to time. In my mind, it's better to let a guy know who and what I am early on so he can make his decision as to whether or not I'm "too much to handle" rather than allow myself to become emotionally attached and slowly find he's not at all okay with my various quirks/issues.

 

Most of us have issues, some to a greater extent than others, yet I'm not sure walking around naming all of them on a first date is the way to go...in fact I know it's not. It's off putting to most people...not because they lack empathy but generally it comes off as though this person walks around feeling badly for themselves or assumes a victim mentality and as writergirl said, it is often emotionally manipulative, whether intentional or not.

 

I had a roommate who was this way. The FIRST time I met her, we went out to dinner and first off she spent all the time talking about herself and all the horrible things in her life. I was truly taken aback....I didn't know this woman from a can of paint yet here we were over tikka massala in public and she's telling me about how she didn't know the paternity of her daughter, how her mother was a drunk, how she used to be a lesbian then her lover died...I mean it was A LOT! I didn't do that to her, not because my life is perfect but because I didn't know her and saw no reason to go into such details over a first meet. With my closest friends we started off as casual acquaintances and things built up and with each friend I can distinctly remember "that point" where one of shared something deeply personal and bonded over it and the friendship grew because of it...and then this continued throughout the friendship. I have another slightly deranged friend whom upon first meeting her she also decided to overshare and everything writergirl said is exacvtly my experience with her and the old roommate...they have no boundaries, everything is about them and their problems, they don't listen and it's one new drama after another. Needless to say she and I aren't very close even though I knew everything about her and her abusive boyfriends and sexual assaults upon first meeting her. We never developed genuine intimacy and I was put off from the first time. While other friends have told me their horror stories and we're still friends because it occurred in a more mutual context after having known them for a bit.

 

Anyway: I have my own issues and know that a man I date may not have a perfect childhood or history. I am not gonna fault him for that, neither did I fault my former roommate, but people who are emotionally mature don't unload on strangers like that....no matter the assumed comfort level. I hear you Lernaean, but it's unreasonable IMO to expect that if you lay all your baggage out on the table on a first date, a perfect stranger should be tested on how they handle it. They have NO incentive at this point to understand you. It is more reasonable in my opinion to allow these things to come up once more of a meaningful bond is formed and chances are, people tend to be more willing to accept you once they have developed more of an attachment to you and know you in more contexts than if they've just met you and you spring some crazy story on them. We are more willing to accept the blemishes of people we care about and love than those we don't know from Adam. I can almost guarantee that your bf of 2 months will take more kindly and have more empathy for your domestic abuse stories especially since he has already seen a fuller picture of you versus a man you're meeting for coffee for the first time who has no relationship to you and who knows nothing about you except for the bleak stuff you chose to lead off with.

 

As writergirl said, there is such a thing as false intimacy where people think oversharing with someone you don't know brings you closer, and probably in this reality tv, Instagram generation which I'm very much apart people have the ILLUSION that they know celebrities or other people because they see their business all on tv or the internet...but that is just knowing their dirty business not knowing them.

 

It is also kind of self-centered to believe you're the only one with problems (you plural). That's part of why over sharing seems self-centered as it almost presents like woe is me here are all my issues, as though this is unique to that person. LOTS of people have problems and when you develop relationships you share them not kind of say "Here are my problems, take it or leave it" on day one. It's too much to ask of strangers. I have a friend whose entire family was murdered in the genocide in Rwanda...she sure as hell doesn't go on dates and announces it first thing and she leads such a grateful life. She has her issues and Lord knows she has emotional scars and PTSD but she divulges these things to men whom she has developed trust with overtime and who because they have known her for a while are less apt to run for the hills. Someone is MORE likely to run for the hills when you do these things too soon than if you wait actually. A man cannot know your quirks and issues on day one...unreasonable...you learn a partner's quirks and issues overtime and dating is a discovery period where yes it is possible that after 6 months you realize you and someone aren't compatible. There is no magic way to know this without time...and it's misguided IMO to believe that over sharing on day one will prevent them from leaving later on. Time and seeing someone handle life in different circumstances and then hearing their back story which you can then piece together based on current data to say 'Oh she's like this because of that..." etc is what relationships are about and you assess and come to know a partner over time through that....someone telling you on day one all their problems means nothing...you just have a list of their problems still with NO CONTEXT and no additional experiences with them....so it is easier to see them as a sum of their problems when that is what they lead with versus learning about them overtime and then that info is incorporated.

 

 

.02 cents.

Edited August 24, 2014 by MissBee

[amaysngrace]

Back off of her. She's not ready to be in a relationship if all she talks about is her past relationship, past issues and her crappy life narrative so far.

 

The only present and future topics are how sick she's been and how much work she has ahead of her.

 

She told you she needs time and is not available. What more do you need to know?

[DazedandConfused8]

Back off of her. She's not ready to be in a relationship if all she talks about is her past relationship, past issues and her crappy life narrative so far.

 

The only present and future topics are how sick she's been and how much work she has ahead of her.

 

She told you she needs time and is not available. What more do you need to know?

 

Agreed.

 

I did notice she deleted her OLD profile for the weekend she was away, but re-activated it earlier today. So she's still "searching" even if she's not "available."

[amaysngrace]

I did notice she deleted her OLD profile for the weekend she was away, but re-activated it earlier today. So she's still "searching" even if she's not "available."

 

Let her be someone else's problem. You seem too normal for her.

[BlueIvy]

It's funny you made this thread. I went on a 1st date date...and last with this guy. On the 1st date he mentioned he has a felony conviction record and told me the details. He also admitted he cheated on his last gf and why, and how the relationship came to an end. Mentioned how he use to be a player when he was younger. He also mentioned how he doesn't know his father and his mom died when he was a kid and bounced from foster home to foster home.

 

Just TMI, all at once, it was like whoa. I am a private person, not because I have anything to hide, but I feel like personal info is valuable, thus should only be shared with people you care for and trust. So, I never got how some people barely know someone and share their life story.

 

I dated this crazy dude who told me all these sob stories, later found out it was all B.S. and I didn't date him that long.

 

However, I don't think it's always a manipulative tactic, some people just want to be coddled or want attention, or DK boundaries.

[DazedandConfused8]

Figure I'd follow up on this one as well: she's still around, we still text regularly, but she's really flaky with setting up plans to do anything. After the Thursday where she didn't respond/we didn't plan anything, I figured I'd take one more chance and ask her if she wanted to do something. (And I left it as "something" so it was open, whether that meant seeing a movie or going for coffee or something else.) It was around 10am that I asked her.

 

I heard nothing until about 8pm, when she asked "was that for today or tomorrow?"

 

I said "Today..."

 

She knows I work early mornings, so she basically waited until the last minute to "clarify" something then told me it was too late and she was busy the next day, but that if she had known sooner (she had 10 hours!?) she could have done something.

 

She is the one who suggested tomorrow (Thursday) as an option to get together, so we'll see if anything happens. If not, then I'm done trying.

Edited September 4, 2014 by DazedandConfused8

[Missy0724]

Looking for validation, attention. To feel "loveable" because of all his guilt.

 

Just went thru this. Not fun.

 

This is narcissistic behavior. Everyone needs to watch out for it; for those red flags. Too much talking about oneself.

 

My ex did this...on first date told me he a "sex addict", a recovery alcohol and drug addict. After our date, texted me and asked me, "did you read up on sex addition?"

 

WTF. What about questions about ME? About the present? About healthy stuff...

 

Red flags. I blew off, bc he so charming, attractive, sexual connection, all that superficial ****.

 

10 months later - he dumped me. He was in love with his ex wife the WHOLE time. Still is. And thinks that's "OK". "once you love someone, it's forever, right"? This fairy tail, "magical" bull****.

 

Good luck to him. Kicked him to the curb today. He wanted to remain friends post break up. I tried. Didn't work. He has NO CLUE about healthy love or friendship. This is a man who cheated on his wife and four young children with prostitutes AND his wife's BEST FRIEND... because his wife not "giving him what he needed...no intimacy."

 

OH, OK. **** YOU.

[Missy0724]

Pretty simple: Flaky, "I forgot", "not sure", "too busy" = Doesn't give a ****.

 

Move on.

[todreaminblue]

I think opening up is a good thing to show vulnerability ......on first dates i try to keep it light.......and open.....its the guys who feel the need to share their history with me and i dont mind......i am more likely not to go in to my history too much on the first date.....i certainly dont feel its a tactic to manipulate when someone shares their history with me......i actually feel more relaxed when guys share a slice of them self.......my history si hard to hear and i gauge myself.....it has to be disclosed fairly early in the dating process so as not to waste their time or mine.......since i split with my ex ...i have disclosed only once to one guy i have dated.......he didnt walk away............

 

i feel honesty and where the conversation goes i let it go there......one thing i dont really want to talk about is a conversation that centers solely on exes on a first date............i do look out for bitterness.....deb

[DazedandConfused8]

Looking for validation, attention. To feel "loveable" because of all his guilt.

 

What guilt? (Honest question)

[Missy0724]

Had an ongoing affair with exwife's best friend and also has a "sex/love addiction" in which he F ed many people, prostitutes while married, with four young children.

 

Went away for rehab. Also a alcohol/drug user/addict. Admitted addict to many things, including drugs, love, sex, etc.

[Diezel]

I didn't read any other response... so:

 

It's white knight bait. It's done to subliminally increase a positive response towards her. You get to be the one who is right for her.

 

It's emotional manipulation.

And if any of what she said is true... it's red flags ALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL around.

 

I would honestly steer away from her, I have no desire to "save" anyone like that. It's not worth it.

 

Anyone who has been through rape, would never share it on a first date. I'm pretty sure an "attempted rape" would be just as traumatic. And that's just ONE of the issues she brought up...

[mightycpa]

Just curious what your read is on it, positive or negative

 

In the long run, you'll probably find that she's never going to shut the **** up.

[DazedandConfused8]

No surprise, getting together Thursday (tonight) has been deferred again Her suggestion was that tonight we'd only be able to get together for a short period of time (a few hours), whereas getting together on Sunday we can spend the entire afternoon together (or longer).

 

*Part* of me is getting fed up with this and another *part* feels like she's trying to stuff as many things into her schedule as possible so that she can be 'busy' and get chased. And a small part of me also thinks that she's legitimately busy and I shouldn't stress her out by getting upset that she keeps flaking out.

[Diezel]

Every part of me thinks you should just tell her to scratch.

 

Like, 101% of me.