Girl oversharing information on first date

[writergal]

Here is a question:

 

Say you meet someone for 1st date and they tell you they are a recovering addict. They say they want to tell you, bc they feel comfortable telling you, because they feel a connection with you, they want to be upfront and get it on the table. Because they think you need to know this, before moving forward...

 

Yes, that's telling a pretty personal thing about yourself, but isn't that being responsible and getting it right out there - so the other person can decide if they want to go for that 2nd date?

 

Or is that too personal of info to share so early?

 

That's a good question. I think there is a fine line between sharing information because you're responsible, or sharing it because you totally lack boundaries and don't care how the other person is effected by what you share. It creates false intimacy I think.

 

And I had that happen to me. On a first date with a guy, he told me that he was a recovering alcoholic, that he had done some treatment but didn't regularly attend AA meetings because he didn't think those meetings helped him. On the surface it seemed like he was, as you said being responsible, giving me a choice. But he went beyond the surface going into great detail about all the horrible things he'd done or had happen to him as an alcoholic. Did that endear me to him? Want to make me share something as equally vulnerable? No, it made me clam up and stay silent. I didn't feel comfortable sharing anything personal with this guy b/c I didn't trust him. Had he just told me he was a recovering alcoholic in AA and left it at that, I probably would have given him a second date. But the floodgates opened and out poured more personal information than I needed (or wanted) to know about him.

 

I'm fine for sharing life stories when you meet someone you click with or are attracted to. I think that's normal. To a certain extent anyway.

 

But...I think it's better to offer each other a synopsis of your life story, rather than a detailed account with all the gory details, which are better left until later. The same way an author markets his/her book with a back cover summary. You want to grab your reader's attention with just enough information to pique their curiosity. You don't want to oversell the book by giving away the story's secrets right away. That spoils the fun of finding out for yourself as a reader, what the book has to offer you in terms of its storyline, plot, characters, and conclusion.

 

Look, we obviously can't connect with other people if we don't establish some sort of emotional intimacy. Obviously you need to share SOME personal information about yourself with other people. We're social creatures. We need an emotional bond with other people. I mean, if we kept all our personal stories to ourselves and never shared them with another person, then it's impossible to have a relationship with another person. So I'm not against sharing personal information.

 

What I'm against, is oversharing too much information too soon because it's always agenda-driven. People who overshare are psychological wolves in sheep's clothing. They just are. They manipulate other people (either by accident or on purpose) by being appearing to be open and vulnerable with you, when really, they will use any information you share with them to later embarrass you, or exploit you somehow, or control the choices you make while in a relationship with them.

 

Call my cynical, but I have my guard up with people I meet (especially men now) who overshare their personal baggage with me right away before I've had time to really get to know them. Another example, a guy overshared so much with me that I thought he had real feelings for me. Turns out, he didn't. Well it upset me because he clearly manipulated me into believing one thing when the exact opposite was true; because as I said, he was an example of a psychological wolf in sheep's clothing.

 

I felt like he led me into a vulnerable position: someone I trusted implicity (against my better judgment) actually just viewed me as a woman he could manipulate for his own purposes. And that's not ok!

 

I'm normally a very guarded person but this guy led me to believe I could let my guard down immediately (red flag!), which I did and regret that later. Could I ever trust him again? Nope.

 

While I do think some people share personal information right off the bat to make a genuine connection, most people who overshare aren't doing it because they're just so open and so friendly. They're doing it b/c they see you as someone they can manipulate. And if you confront them about it, they'll just deny that was their intention, so you end up just another victim of a manipulative person.

[Art_Critic]

Or is that too personal of info to share so early?

 

No it isn't IMO... Today I'm an Alcoholic with over 27 years of sobriety and when I was dating (back in my single days) I always brought up my sobriety if not on the first date before that....

I wanted the person to know up front, for many reasons honestly..

I wanted them to know who I was early on and I also wanted to lower the possibility of any uncomfortable feelings they may run into being with someone who is very comfortable not drinking...

 

You would be surprised how many people get uncomfortable to the point that they won't drink around you, once I had a talk about my sobriety and they saw it from my viewpoint all was good...

[preraph]

Everyone is different how open they are. I am an open book. I've heard all the advice not to talk about past anything on first dates, and I see the wisdom in that, but it's just not me. The main downside I do see to it that I have finally learned is if you tell a new person, whether it's friend or lover, everything important about your life on the first date, what the hell are you going to talk about on your 15th date? Now everything you say will be repetitious.

 

I don't fault her for doing it, but there are some good reasons not to all at once.

[Missy0724]

This is a tough one. I just spent nine months with someone and now I am questioning if it was ever "real".

 

Yes, he told me he was an addict right off the bat. We talked a bit about it, but he's sober and staying clean. I didn't want his issues to be the gist of our conversations or the back bone to our relationship. Sorry, I'm looking for a BF, not someone's therapist.

 

Anyway - I was OK with the addict part because I saw how he living his life, clean and sober.

 

Two months into it, and we are of course being intimate, I have begun falling for this amazingly interesting, charismatic, fun man. Something happened, and a red flag came up. I asked him where he was with his ex wife. Was he over her? It came out that he "didn't know how he felt about her." He wouldn't tell me anything else. I let it lie, bc I'm divorced and I know healing from that, after spending 20 years with someone, is SO hard and takes time.

 

Couple months later, now we are "in love", something else comes up concerning her, and I ask him again, "what's going on with her, with your feelings for her, you seem distracted about her, are you still in love with her?" So we get into a conversation that basically ends with, Yes, he's still addicted to her, their past, has not closed those doors, still has unresolved feelings for her.

 

Of course I was pissed. He told me he was an addict on 1st day, but decided to withhold the fact that he still not over ex. In my opinion, that's a bit more important to share, than the addict stuff!

 

This issue with his ex continued and it finally ruined our relationship. He was telling me he loved me, in love with me, yet still holding on to so much anger, resentment, etc. towards ex. Pissed off she dating, while he's dating me! For 9 months!

 

Wake up call. He withheld info from me. I should have known right up front. But he didn't tell me, bc he knew I would walk away. He picked and choose what to tell me to reel me in, then when I had feelings for him, was falling in love with him, then that bomb drops. He couldn't hide it anymore. I called him on his sh*t.

 

Yes, if you have important things in your life that may impact your new relationship, you need to share. Addictions, recovery from anything, any diseases, illnesses, including mental stuff, etc. And especially if you still wrapped up with another - tell this new person you want to go SLOW, just date. That you are not ready for a serious relationship. That is the mature, responsible thing to do...Think about and care about other people's feelings.

Rebounds are great for you, but suck, hurt for the other person, if they are looking for something else. Make sure you BOTH are on the same page, have the same expectations, boundaries for a relationship. Communicate! Talk!

That's not a bad thing at all...

 

Or maybe it's an age thing. I'm too old for games, not speaking my mind. Say what you mean, mean what you say.

 

That way you can weed people out, not waste your time, or theres. Life's too short. :-)

[OwMyEyeball]

Could be emotional manipulation - Writergal has covered this possibility pretty thoroughly

 

Could be fear of rejection - Rather tell you now and get it over with than grow attached and amplify the pain of rejection when the intimacy deepens and these stores come out

 

Could be genuine openness - For whatever reason you create a space of comfort where she feels safe sharing these details about herself

 

Could be pity seeking - She believes pitiful stories are an effective way of gaining validation. Garnering sympathy as a way of feeling accepted

 

More likely it's a combination.

 

If you enjoyed her company and are willing to share your time with her again might as well go for that next date and feel things out.

[littleplanet]

I'm in agreement with writergal on this.

 

Think of it this way:

If someone hands you a great big heapin' smokin' hunka trust right off the bat, from the get-go......what's it worth?

You didn't earn it. You got it for free.

 

Now, I happen to believe that trust is just about the most valuable thing on the planet. It has no price tag. It can't be bought.

 

So somebody whose insecurity issues trump their trust issues (we've all got 'em to some degree) strikes me as out of balance.

 

Sure - it might be nice to be made to feel that you're privileged somehow, by being granted all this sensitive personal information....so soon.....but there's no way it's based on trust. Natural boundaries are just too...natural.

 

It's like emotional fast food. Quick on your plate. Looks and smells tasty, but not much in the way of nutritional value.

Some things just take time - for a reason.

 

It winds up as an informational, emotional overload - as if you're a hard drive supposed to download a lifetime's worth of issues and experiences all in one shot. "Insta-relationship."

 

The difference between this - and when it happens the right way...comes from the comparison between people who are prepared and know how to take their time, are well aware of proper boundaries, realistic time frames, responsible to all the natural signs.......and people who just want to steamroll past all that because they don't have the staying power.

 

I think this is all a no-brainer between people who truly do understand the value of trust. There just isn't any free lunch. And that's just fine.

[OwMyEyeball]

Everyone is different how open they are. I am an open book. I've heard all the advice not to talk about past anything on first dates, and I see the wisdom in that, but it's just not me. The main downside I do see to it that I have finally learned is if you tell a new person, whether it's friend or lover, everything important about your life on the first date, what the hell are you going to talk about on your 15th date? Now everything you say will be repetitious.

 

I don't fault her for doing it, but there are some good reasons not to all at once.

Something other than yourself or how it relates to you.

 

Infinite number of topics to choose from there.

[veggirl]

I'd think "crazy pants" if someone was throwing all of that at me on a 2 hour first date. I'd also assume they are the type who jumps in too fast, with everyone they date. Turn off.

[OwMyEyeball]

I'm in agreement with writergal on this.

 

Think of it this way:

If someone hands you a great big heapin' smokin' hunka trust right off the bat, from the get-go......what's it worth?

You didn't earn it. You got it for free.

 

Now, I happen to believe that trust is just about the most valuable thing on the planet. It has no price tag. It can't be bought.

 

So somebody whose insecurity issues trump their trust issues (we've all got 'em to some degree) strikes me as out of balance.

 

Sure - it might be nice to be made to feel that you're privileged somehow, by being granted all this sensitive personal information....so soon.....but there's no way it's based on trust. Natural boundaries are just too...natural.

 

It's like emotional fast food. Quick on your plate. Looks and smells tasty, but not much in the way of nutritional value.

Some things just take time - for a reason.

 

It winds up as an informational, emotional overload - as if you're a hard drive supposed to download a lifetime's worth of issues and experiences all in one shot. "Insta-relationship."

 

The difference between this - and when it happens the right way...comes from the comparison between people who are prepared and know how to take their time, are well aware of proper boundaries, realistic time frames, responsible to all the natural signs.......and people who just want to steamroll past all that because they don't have the staying power.

 

I think this is all a no-brainer between people who truly do understand the value of trust. There just isn't any free lunch. And that's just fine.

What if the information isn't confidential? What if she puts no great value in it and has no issue with you sharing that information? She just views it, along with all the good stuff, as part of what defines her character and being.

 

I agree, trust is earned over time. That's what makes it so precious. And what we entrust in others is something of value. The higher its value to us, the greater the degree of trust we have in that person to safeguard and not abuse it - be it holding our baby, having access to our bank account or knowing our life's darkest moments. We make ourselves vulnerable.

 

But in the case of those darkest moments - to some those aren't a big secret. Hence they have little value. They're comfortable sharing that with others. When and how is of social importance since we need to take consideration of how that information may affect the audience. That takes some intuition and emotional intelligence on the part of the sharer.

[Noproblem]

I remember that

when ever I opened up with someone right away.

 

It was just for one times only, then I wouldn't do it again because the charm is only last for the first time only.

[Priv]

Honestly, I am afraid once I start dating again I am going to end up like her. Last LTR anything not shared or discussed early and thoroughly would be a major fault on my part while I am normally a fairly private and introvert individual.

 

 

Going to have trouble maintaining balance next time...

[writergal]

What if the information isn't confidential? What if she puts no great value in it and has no issue with you sharing that information? She just views it, along with all the good stuff, as part of what defines her character and being.

 

I agree, trust is earned over time. That's what makes it so precious. And what we entrust in others is something of value. The higher its value to us, the greater the degree of trust we have in that person to safeguard and not abuse it - be it holding our baby, having access to our bank account or knowing our life's darkest moments. We make ourselves vulnerable.

 

But in the case of those darkest moments - to some those aren't a big secret. Hence they have little value. They're comfortable sharing that with others. When and how is of social importance since we need to take consideration of how that information may affect the audience. That takes some intuition and emotional intelligence on the part of the sharer.

 

I agree with you that for some people, they are comfortable sharing their deepest, darkest secrets with anyone and everyone because those secrets no longer have a hold over them. But I think those people are the exception to the oversharing rule, because as you pointed out, that requires intuition and emotional intelligence from the person doing the sharing. Those people tend to follow the natural laws of sharing between two people, and intuitively know when it's appropriate to share their information with someone they're involved with.

 

I don't think every person who shares information is doing it with an agenda.

 

But it's like littleplanet pointed out: trust has to be earned, otherwise it's not really trust, if someone just dumps a heap of their personal baggage on to your lap when you first meet them. It's too convenient. Like, the person wants to bypass the natural progression of how you establish and earn trust which means they're not really emotionally capable of going slow as it has to be on their terms which isn't fair. I really like littleplanet's analogy of "emotional fast food" to describe oversharing.

[Dork Vader]

I should say there are things I do not share right off the bat. But for the most part I really do not care what others think of me. I'm an open book. If they ask they'll get an honest answer.

 

 

I do inform my dates that I am OCD and I do have some quirks surrounding it. I also inform them that I am ADHD. Every single date I have been on I have been told there is something different about you. It's the OCD and ADHD.

 

 

But I do not go into details about all my scars and past. The first few dates I'm trying to gauge if there is any chemistry. I'm trying to gauge if there is potential for more.

[Versacehottie]

I usually think over-sharers:

**tend to have bad judgement

*will continue to do this about all subjects for rest of relationship (including sharing your relationship details with others)

*will push for serious relationship right away, clingy, desperate, needy

*tend to be emotional

*tend to be heavy, serious and see negative in life rather than easily have fun, light moments.

 

To be fair, some people love relationship where this stuff comes out right up front and that the other person is sharing "stuff" with them. They are well suited for each other as long as they both feel this way. I'm anti (this) so don't like this but there are plenty of people who do.

Edited August 4, 2014 by Versacehottie

[Daisy-oliviaWentcher]

over sharing to me is never appropriate for first introductions. No one needs a monologue of ones previous history. Just a " What kind of work do you do?" will be fine. Keep it shallow and simple. Deeper things come much later.

[SpiralOut]

Oversharing with someone you barely know is the act of false emotional intimacy. It's a manipulation tactic. Real emotional intimacy with another person takes time to develop. Trust takes time to develop and it has to be give and take from both people, not one sided like with someone who always overshares but never listens or reciprocates.

 

I was thinking exactly this. It doesn't even have to be between two people dating. I've seen someone do this while trying to make friends - told the same "poor me" story to everyone to manipulate them into thinking she trusted them. She didn't. She just did it to so they would trust her back, and then she got dirt on them. I did date one guy who told me a bunch of sob stories which I'm sure he told all the girls so they would sleep with him.

Edited August 4, 2014 by SpiralOut

[acrosstheuniverse]

It kinda depends on the situation. I went on a couple dates with a guy last year and we never went out again, there was no time to do it and I don't think either of us were desperate to take it further, I would have liked to but I wasn't upset when he didn't seem interested and we stayed pals. A few months later we got talking about the whole thing and he mentioned that maybe I'd shared a bit too much 'fourth or fifth date info' on the second coffee date. Stuff like how my parents are divorced and my brother disowned me and stuff.

 

I only brought it up because he asked about my family and there's really no way to skim over how ****ed up my family is. I definitely gave the impression I was fine with it all and moved the conversation on quickly. He acknowledged part of it was his fault for being curious and asking so many questions etc.

 

I didn't feel bad about it, although maybe it's something I'd bear in mind in future. Unfortunately I have had quite a rocky and difficult past with several major life events that are going to crop up sooner rather than later. If mentioning something as surface level as a parental divorce or the fact I don't see my siblings sends someone running I'd rather find out sooner rather than later, and respect the fact that they're not looking for somebody with emotional baggage. I'm over my baggage I'd say, but it doesn't mean it has been erased from my history. However, there is a line. I wouldn't share much more than that my parent is deceased/they're divorced/the siblings situation, and those are only if actually asked.

[morbot_k]

Over-sharing probably is an indication of insecurity and a need for validation. Probably is someone in search of sympathy and who has some emotional wounds. Someone desperate for intimacy and probably someone who is very complex.

 

If it doesn't bother you though, I wouldn't hold it against the person. Everyone has their baggage and it's just a matter of what baggage is compatible with someone else's.

 

But if it starts to annoy you, than you should say so. But only if it annoys you. You don't want to get stuck being someone's therapist. If you do, that might say something about your own baggage.

 

Key is if you like the person, just take it slow and get to know them. Boundaries are important here though. Be mindful of that.

[littleplanet]

What if the information isn't confidential? What if she puts no great value in it and has no issue with you sharing that information? She just views it, along with all the good stuff, as part of what defines her character and being.

 

I agree, trust is earned over time. That's what makes it so precious. And what we entrust in others is something of value. The higher its value to us, the greater the degree of trust we have in that person to safeguard and not abuse it - be it holding our baby, having access to our bank account or knowing our life's darkest moments. We make ourselves vulnerable.

 

But in the case of those darkest moments - to some those aren't a big secret. Hence they have little value. They're comfortable sharing that with others. When and how is of social importance since we need to take consideration of how that information may affect the audience. That takes some intuition and emotional intelligence on the part of the sharer.

 

Good point. Ha! - I guess some celebrity interviews can fall into this category.

Maybe I just see it as living one's life on the front page of the National Enquirer.

I've run into this stuff with people who are incredibly aggressive and manipulative.....and people who are almost the opposite - terribly shy and self-effacing.

Although perhaps there is a third category that is far more interesting than these two......those who just want to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth (so help them........)

 

But in keeping with the tone of the thread.....in the case of a first date, too much too soon could just be trying way too hard to impress, or a compulsive need to take over and take charge.

(Sort of reminds me of those times a kid will say a certain thing just to get a rise out of you....testing.)

 

I think there's a big difference between two people who are relative strangers....discussing a topic, bringing up and out their own personal experiences.....and it could very well be something deep and dark - but it's not being co-opted by one.....it's being examined on both sides.

I do this all the time (not in a dating context) and yet still, there is always that tendency to read the signs.....when have you reached that point of informational or emotional overload?

 

I think your last point is bang on:

Emotional intelligence is of prime importance. Knowing that it is fine, with your particular audience, to just cut to the chase and talk turkey.

I tend to think that for many, it takes a bit of time to get to that point.

In my life, by far the normative experience is of someone opening up a bit after relatively long stretches of time.....of observing.

By then, what is shared has infinitely more value.

(Because you have an idea who it is - who is telling you what they're telling you.)

At what point are people not strangers to each other?

Everyone has their own definition of that.

 

Which sort of brings it all back to the idea of fast-tracking intimacy.

More often than not, it doesn't last. It has no real depth.

Edited August 4, 2014 by littleplanet

[DazedandConfused8]

(Sort of reminds me of those times a kid will say a certain thing just to get a rise out of you....testing.)

 

Is that necessarily a bad thing though? If it is a test, could it be a "hmmm... I've said this and he's not running away. Maybe I'll get to know him more"?

[DazedandConfused8]

Thanks for the feedback everyone. Keep it coming!

[DazedandConfused8]

Well, second date shortly

[DazedandConfused8]

Well, I'd say it went well She's getting over a fairly recent break up of her own with its own drama (break up months ago, try getting back together, didn't work out) so she noted that "time" was a big thing for her to appear that she's not rebounding. She made it clear that's a standard she set for herself, rather than it being what she didn't want it to appear like to others.

 

So it still went very well, it's just clear she's asking for time and for things to be taken slowly.

[Lernaean_Hydra]

This is one of those threads where I'm really just baffled by the way people think. Maybe it's because I'm young and social media has sort of conditioned my generation to 'over share' at times but in terms of what she said, none of it is all that odd or something I'd consider "TMI".

 

It sounds to me like she was, as another posted stated earlier, simply doing so as a way to weed out unsuitable/ill-matched candidates. She laid all her cards out and it's up to you whether you want to take the bet or fold. I have a habit of doing what I guess could be considered "over-sharing" early on for the very same reasons.

 

Not only am I product of divorce, but a witness to domestic violence from near infancy into adolescence. My step-father was a serial cheater who also physically abused my mother; I used to be massively overweight and severely depressed, I used to self-harm, etc. All these things left their mark on me and lord knows I'm flawed as all hell because of it.

 

SO, that being the case, I have certain issues that I still deal with from time to time. In my mind, it's better to let a guy know who and what I am early on so he can make his decision as to whether or not I'm "too much to handle" rather than allow myself to become emotionally attached and slowly find he's not at all okay with my various quirks/issues.

[DazedandConfused8]

This is one of those threads where I'm really just baffled by the way people think. Maybe it's because I'm young and social media has sort of conditioned my generation to 'over share' at times but in terms of what she said, none of it is all that odd or something I'd consider "TMI".

 

It sounds to me like she was, as another posted stated earlier, simply doing so as a way to weed out unsuitable/ill-matched candidates. She laid all her cards out and it's up to you whether you want to take the bet or fold. I have a habit of doing what I guess could be considered "over-sharing" early on for the very same reasons.

 

Not only am I product of divorce, but a witness to domestic violence from near infancy into adolescence. My step-father was a serial cheater who also physically abused my mother; I used to be massively overweight and severely depressed, I used to self-harm, etc. All these things left their mark on me and lord knows I'm flawed as all hell because of it.

 

SO, that being the case, I have certain issues that I still deal with from time to time. In my mind, it's better to let a guy know who and what I am early on so he can make his decision as to whether or not I'm "too much to handle" rather than allow myself to become emotionally attached and slowly find he's not at all okay with my various quirks/issues.

 

Would you expect the guy to return the favour by sharing his secrets/flaws/issues/etc? Or are you comfortable if you just put everything on the table for him and he doesn't reciprocate?