I told MM how I felt

[Sub]

Sounds to me that the MM is neither selfish or dishonest. Straighforward and considerate of his Priority towards marriage, family and community.

 

He's being honest. I'll give him that. Unselfish and considerate? Quite the opposite.

[Scarlet2]

Yes, he's always been honest to me in all the years that I've known him. I don't know why he can't be that way with his wife and everyone else. But there within lies the conflict I have because when he tells me to wait, be patient, opportunities will open up, we'll have more time together, etc, I believe him even though it's clichéd that I shouldn't believe it. MM say what you want to hear but mine is telling the truth...

[Hope Shimmers]

Yes, he's always been honest to me in all the years that I've known him. I don't know why he can't be that way with his wife and everyone else. But there within lies the conflict I have because when he tells me to wait, be patient, opportunities will open up, we'll have more time together, etc, I believe him even though it's clichéd that I shouldn't believe it. MM say what you want to hear but mine is telling the truth...

 

I can somewhat understand why you might believe him if he were attentive to you, acted interested and loving to you, but he doesn't. Do you think this is suddenly going to change? It won't.

[underwater2010]

Yes, he's always been honest to me in all the years that I've known him. I don't know why he can't be that way with his wife and everyone else. But there within lies the conflict I have because when he tells me to wait, be patient, opportunities will open up, we'll have more time together, etc, I believe him even though it's clichéd that I shouldn't believe it. MM say what you want to hear but mine is telling the truth...

 

You are right....he is being honest with you. He has told you that you will be nothing more than a side piece, a mistress, an affair, an ego stroke and that he will NOT give up his marriage for you. Yet, you continue to twist it around....wondering what you can say to change that. And the TRUTH is nothing. You either have to accept this or move on. And you will not begin to a relationship that leads to marriage while keeping up this affair.

 

Sorry if it sounds harsh...but it is better that he is NOT leading you on.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

He didnt get into an affair expecting it to change his life! So what do YOU think he wants from the affair? What difference would talking about this make? What can possibly change on his end?

 

The affair is about him. It isn't about love but about an escape, a fantasy, a notch in his belt and an ego stroke. Are you ok being that to someone when your needs are not being met? He needs an affair partner who just wants a little fun on the side, not someone who needs him for a full blown relationship. It also wouldn't surprise me if he's found one and is only worried about damage control.

[Scarlet2]

I'm totally making it worse. We talked on the phone and he started bickering when I tried to bring up our last conversation so that I could talk about ending it and he wouldn't let me finish what I was going to say and he's like "I told you everything is fine, I'm aggravated that I keep having to reassure you all the time, why don't you believe me?" I guess when he had said he wanted to start over, he assumed I was on board with the plan. I asked what is going on with us, we never bicker, why is it starting now...

 

He did mention somewhere in the conversation that I am indeed not fun anymore. I'm pretty sure I lost the fun factor when he decided to put me on a break, leaving me free to over think and feel neglected. I'd still be fun and in the fog if he had kept it going without all the cancelations.

 

And the weirdest thing that happened in the conversation is he told me his son saw a photo I posted with a male friend of mine and by the power of suggestion, his son thinks it's my boyfriend and my MM was skirting around asking who it was so I enlightened him. I told him who he was, and that "he's not my boyfriend and you know I want YOU as my boyfriend." He's like "here we go again, you're putting me up against the wall."

 

It is about him. He doesn't want anyone else to have me but won't commit to me. Anyway, the conversation ended because I had to go back to work so I didn't get a chance to say yes or no about continuing.

 

I don't think I can just disappear without a word when he thinks it's still on.

[Hope Shimmers]

I'm totally making it worse. We talked on the phone and he started bickering when I tried to bring up our last conversation so that I could talk about ending it and he wouldn't let me finish what I was going to say and he's like "I told you everything is fine, I'm aggravated that I keep having to reassure you all the time, why don't you believe me?" I guess when he had said he wanted to start over, he assumed I was on board with the plan. I asked what is going on with us, we never bicker, why is it starting now...

 

He did mention somewhere in the conversation that I am indeed not fun anymore. I'm pretty sure I lost the fun factor when he decided to put me on a break, leaving me free to over think and feel neglected. I'd still be fun and in the fog if he had kept it going without all the cancelations.

 

And the weirdest thing that happened in the conversation is he told me his son saw a photo I posted with a male friend of mine and by the power of suggestion, his son thinks it's my boyfriend and my MM was skirting around asking who it was so I enlightened him. I told him who he was, and that "he's not my boyfriend and you know I want YOU as my boyfriend." He's like "here we go again, you're putting me up against the wall."

 

It is about him. He doesn't want anyone else to have me but won't commit to me. Anyway, the conversation ended because I had to go back to work so I didn't get a chance to say yes or no about continuing.

 

I don't think I can just disappear without a word when he thinks it's still on.

 

Scarlet, I'm wondering if you heard anything in these last 3 pages of posts to you? Because your entire phone conversation with him was with you being a doormat to what he wants and telling him that "you want him to be your boyfriend" all after the horrible ways he has been treating you.

 

Why did you talk to him at all? He just sees you as sad and pathetic and that is clear from what he said to you. (I'm not trying to be mean, just trying to get you to see...) He says mean things to you and he doesn't care if it hurts you or not. He doesn't CARE.

 

You don't need to "talk" to him about ending it. It's not up to him. Just end it. Don't even tell him. Make him wonder for once, instead of always being at his beck and call. He has made it clear he hates that, can you see that?

 

It would be great if you would just leave him but you don't seem to have the strength to do that. So at least have the strength to stop letting him treat you like a doormat. Stop instigating discussions about his being your "boyfriend" and show him that you have a life outside of him.

 

You should have just let him wonder about the Facebook picture. Why did you reassure him just so that he could go back to treating you like crap?

 

Ugggh... I am so frustrated for you. Take care...

[IfWishesWereHorses]

I'm totally making it worse. We talked on the phone and he started bickering when I tried to bring up our last conversation so that I could talk about ending it and he wouldn't let me finish what I was going to say and he's like "I told you everything is fine, I'm aggravated that I keep having to reassure you all the time, why don't you believe me?" I guess when he had said he wanted to start over, he assumed I was on board with the plan. I asked what is going on with us, we never bicker, why is it starting now...

 

He did mention somewhere in the conversation that I am indeed not fun anymore. I'm pretty sure I lost the fun factor when he decided to put me on a break, leaving me free to over think and feel neglected. I'd still be fun and in the fog if he had kept it going without all the cancelations.

 

And the weirdest thing that happened in the conversation is he told me his son saw a photo I posted with a male friend of mine and by the power of suggestion, his son thinks it's my boyfriend and my MM was skirting around asking who it was so I enlightened him. I told him who he was, and that "he's not my boyfriend and you know I want YOU as my boyfriend." He's like "here we go again, you're putting me up against the wall."

 

It is about him. He doesn't want anyone else to have me but won't commit to me. Anyway, the conversation ended because I had to go back to work so I didn't get a chance to say yes or no about continuing.

 

I don't think I can just disappear without a word when he thinks it's still on.

 

 

Ok, here's the deal! He has told you what he expects. He had blamed YOU for the problems in the A! If you are so desperate that you want to change his actions (not his feelings, you know those, you choose to ignore them) then here's what you do: Threaten to send all evidence of the A to his wife, family and colleagues. Make your list of demands and put his family up as collateral. Then, POSSIBLY, he might comply to your demands. You'll know in your heart that he doesn't mean it, OR move on.

[ThatsJustHowIRoll]

Grow some self respect. The man is using you. And youre letting him.

 

Arent you worth more than that?

[2sunny]

I don't think you have to tell him anything.

 

You can let silence speak for you.

 

There's not really anything to discuss - he's been clear that he's not planning to spend more time with you and that the A has run it's course.

 

It can be over if you decide it's really done.

[Sub]

Threaten to send all evidence of the A to his wife, family and colleagues. Make your list of demands and put his family up as collateral. Then, POSSIBLY, he might comply to your demands. You'll know in your heart that he doesn't mean it, OR move on.

What are her demands, though? If her goal is for him to leave and be her boyfriend, this is a horrible way to start a relationship, IMO.

 

I know this is besides the point, but it never ceases to astound me how women can remain attracted to/in love with men like this. Again, slight credit to him for being honest. But he's pretty much got a stamp on his forehead that says: I'm an a**hole. Take it or leave it.

[Scarlet2]

I think we're both frustrated. I want more time with him and when I finally called him out on it, I guess that made him feel guilt, which I didn't think he could feel considering how he told me he doesn't feel guilt for cheating on his W, which confirms that entitlement MM get, and he's getting defensive.

 

Plus now that I know we aren't going to be together and he's seeing that I'm not sitting around at home waiting, that he's getting scared I'm going to find someone else and he's lashing out and bickering with me. He even asked me if I was leaving town this weekend, suggesting that he'd see me if I wasn't, but it was a ploy for me to not make plans with other people. I didn't sit at home. He's never seen me on a weekend, why would he start now. He's trying to control.

 

This is hard because I know he has other obligations and I'm not always going to fit into his schedule. The cliché of "he's not that into you if he isn't making time to be with you" doesn't apply to extramarital affairs. He says he'd much rather be with me than doing whatever obligation it is that causes him to cancel. But he also assumes that there will always be other opportunities whereas I'm like if you don't take the opportunity now when you have an opening, there might not be another one. Optimistic/pessimistic.

 

What it all boils down to is that I'm not enough for him to risk losing what he has so he'll just keep putting me on the back burner. I gain my power back by not allowing it.

[Pinklotus]

Scarlet--

 

I do empathize. I am in an EA but similar dynamics, and realizing not only do I want out to focus on my marriage, but my needs are not going to be met by this affair anymore. And in my other posts I've talked about feeling like I just can't end it. For a variety of reasons. One of them is the fear of what to say, how to end it, what to do. The previous posters are right, you/me could just end it by doing nothing. Don't respond. I'm seriously considering this myself. Do I really owe him a big explanation or rationale after how he's been treating me lately? The answer is NO. Lately I can't imagine being anymore unhappy without him than with him in my life, so what is the point? I am wondering if you're reaching that point, too.

[Pinklotus]

 

This is hard because I know he has other obligations and I'm not always going to fit into his schedule. The cliché of "he's not that into you if he isn't making time to be with you" doesn't apply to extramarital affairs. He says he'd much rather be with me than doing whatever obligation it is that causes him to cancel. But he also assumes that there will always be other opportunities whereas I'm like if you don't take the opportunity now when you have an opening, there might not be another one. Optimistic/pessimistic.

 

What it all boils down to is that I'm not enough for him to risk losing what he has so he'll just keep putting me on the back burner. I gain my power back by not allowing it.

 

 

But the truth is they do make the time and find the time when they really want to. My MM used to see me, talk to me, email me 5-10 x a day even when he was very busy working. Past week or so, I'm on the back burner. It's 10:40 and nothing from him today or tonight. If he really wanted me, he'd be making more of an effort. He is incredibly self-centered and I'm realizing NOT worth losing my marriage over. At all. He's hot and cold and it's so not worth it.

But the truth is they do make the time and find the time when they really want to. My MM used to see me, talk to me, email me 5-10 x a day even when he was very busy working. Past week or so, I'm on the back burner. It's 10:40 and nothing from him today or tonight. If he really wanted me, he'd be making more of an effort. He is incredibly self-centered and I'm realizing NOT worth losing my marriage over. At all.

 

And yes, if we allow it, they continue it.

[Hope Shimmers]

The cliché of "he's not that into you if he isn't making time to be with you" doesn't apply to extramarital affairs.

 

Yes it absolutely does. It did in mine, and it has in many. If he wants to make time for you, married or not, he will make time for you. If he can't literally be with you then he will contact you constantly and make that clear. Your MM has done none of that - the opposite, in fact.

 

I think you have never experienced anything else so you assume it's different in your situation. It isn't. I feel sad for you that you think this is the best there is.

[Mount]

Not true, if a guy even Married man wants to invest the relationship with you, he will make it happen during weekend even it means they have to lie to wives. Mine does, so did other OWs' MMs.

 

You teach the man who you are, how much you are worthy, what you really want. It does not matter what outcome could be, at least you need to highly respect youself, value yourself.

 

I think we're both frustrated. I want more time with him and when I finally called him out on it, I guess that made him feel guilt, which I didn't think he could feel considering how he told me he doesn't feel guilt for cheating on his W, which confirms that entitlement MM get, and he's getting defensive.

 

Plus now that I know we aren't going to be together and he's seeing that I'm not sitting around at home waiting, that he's getting scared I'm going to find someone else and he's lashing out and bickering with me. He even asked me if I was leaving town this weekend, suggesting that he'd see me if I wasn't, but it was a ploy for me to not make plans with other people. I didn't sit at home. He's never seen me on a weekend, why would he start now. He's trying to control.

 

This is hard because I know he has other obligations and I'm not always going to fit into his schedule. The cliché of "he's not that into you if he isn't making time to be with you" doesn't apply to extramarital affairs. He says he'd much rather be with me than doing whatever obligation it is that causes him to cancel. But he also assumes that there will always be other opportunities whereas I'm like if you don't take the opportunity now when you have an opening, there might not be another one. Optimistic/pessimistic.

 

What it all boils down to is that I'm not enough for him to risk losing what he has so he'll just keep putting me on the back burner. I gain my power back by not allowing it.

[Scarlet2]

To be fair, I don't make it easy for him when I get disappointed so now he's conflict avoidant. I make him feel bad by being disappointed but technically I can't make him feel anything, he feels bad on his own. And he's not contacting my constantly because he's taking me for granted that I'm understanding and always going to be around. Time to change his perspective...

[beach]

To be fair, I don't make it easy for him when I get disappointed so now he's conflict avoidant. I make him feel bad by being disappointed but technically I can't make him feel anything, he feels bad on his own. And he's not contacting my constantly because he's taking me for granted that I'm understanding and always going to be around. Time to change his perspective...

 

Does this mean you plan to change it for yourself?

 

What are you changing?

[Majormisstep]

Scarlet, do we have the same MM? Thing is hon, in the beginning it was fun and a challenge for him and wonderful times talking about future faking blah blah. Now, you are maintenance. He does not want to lose his M for you. He'll keep tossing you a few crumbs if he senses you might actually walk. But you won't. Not until YOU decide you have had enough of being treated like a second class citizen.

 

Placing the blame on to you is cowardly. The man can't even do the right thing by ending the A to focus on his M. So he'll lay down the "blame game" groundwork and wait in the weeds until you finally pull the plug. Ughh.

 

It doesn't matter that you've "made things difficult" by wanting more of his time. This is the true nature of an A. One wants more, the other pulls away. Round and round you go until someone gets tired of the ride and gets off. It is inevitable. Or the W finds out. Then you WILL be thrown under that bus with a some pretty impressive tire tracks across your back.

 

I know it's hard Scarlet, but dust off your pantyhose, hike up the big girl panties and send the loser packing. It is the ONLY way you will regain your self worth. Do you like who you are in this A....?

 

You will find a rewarding relationship once you free yourself of MM. Then you will look back on this A and wish you could get every moment of that time back.

[Scarlet2]

I can tell you I feel pretty worthless and not good enough based on all the comments here that he doesn't like me.

 

I can't force him to spend time with me. All I can do is not initiate anymore and say no to him when he starts sniffing around again.

[herself]

W o w Scarlett.....

From this answer you still aren't done...

You're still in a fog...

You're still awaiting his next call...

"All I can do is not initiate..."

I think none of this is helping you...

Not knocking you one bit but with all the advice you just arent seeing it its going to have to come down to you.

You must have started here looking for shreds of hope.

Hearts go out to you here but you gotta see for yourself.

[LovelySweet]

I understand and empathize with you. I was basically told by MM that what we share is not love, tenderness, caring, but it is sex. I cannot value that. He does not flinch at how telling me this, causes me pain. You too are expressing wants and needs that this man will never be able to provide for you. Having these, sex only affairs even those intermingling lies, the future faking, some men deceitfully add, etc., is equivalent to (in the news today) getting out of your race car and standing in the middle of the race track perturbed at another oncoming racer, that will smack you dead on, run you over, dead, AND just race again the next day with no second thoughts of you! This is about as much love these men can give, none.

This man is causing you pain, please tell me your self worth, self esteem will enable you to find an extraordinary man to love you, cherish and admire you for all you give him.

Edited August 10, 2014 by LovelySweet

[2sunny]

I can tell you I feel pretty worthless and not good enough based on all the comments here that he doesn't like me.

 

I can't force him to spend time with me. All I can do is not initiate anymore and say no to him when he starts sniffing around again.

 

That's not "all" you can do - You can take a firm stand for yourself. You can never communicate with him again.

 

Do it FOR YOURSELF...

[Pinklotus]

Sorry for the double post within a post. I can't seem to edit it, though.

[Pinklotus]

Scarlet, I don't think his perspective will truly change. If you withdraw and end it, yes, he may try to sweet talk you back. But then he will revert to treating you badly again. He doesn't sound like a good person, at all. He's beyond just a little confused or mixed up, he sounds mean. And to blame you for the affair is wrong. I think you should just go MIA, permanently.

 

Have you ever been in a good relationship where you were treated well? It can be so much better than this. And I say this as someone who has a good husband and who nonetheless got herself involved with MM who isn't treating me well. It's like I've regressed to my dating days when I put up with crap from jerks. I'm realizing the error of my ways and getting back to that place where I want a man who treats me well, a man who doesn't need to be pursued constantly or who requires constant ego-stroking.

 

I hope you can find the strength. I think you'd be happier alone than with him in your life bringing you down all the time. hugs.