OK_computer Posted August 4, 2014 Share Posted August 4, 2014 It takes as long as it takes. Period. But as others have mentioned you can do things to minimize the duration and pain. My recovery took close to 18 months, a move to another state and a thorough and complete analysis of my life. This has allowed me to grow considerably as a person, for which I am actually thankful for!! I don't think I will ever completely forget her, but I have learned how to live (well) with the experience... Agreed. The experience I worth the pain if you ask me. You learn a lot about the world, others, as well as yourself. It makes you strong, and I definitely am grateful to have immersed myself in the pain, love, torment. I came out a strong man, one who knows my boundaries and what is expected of me in this world. But the one true gift of a break up and the endeavor to overcome the pain, the one true and only gift you walk away with (hidden in plain view)- is perspective. Not all the money in the world can buy perspective, nor can it be gained from a happy life devoid of any obstacles, perspective is earned. It is the one thing we battle our entire lives for, the reason we struggle aimlessly, it's what's to be gained in this life. Alex 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author bulldogz Posted August 4, 2014 Author Share Posted August 4, 2014 (edited) Her birthday is less than two weeks away, and it will be hard to not wish her happy birthday. I don't think I'm gonna do it. One thing that sucks is the reminders of your ex that you don't control, like movies set in their home city, or hearing about ----- randomly that reminds you of them, or whatever. I've been torn up over ended relationships before, but something was different about this one. I should add that actually the way get new bf looks means nothing; it's just that there is in fact a new bf. I dont even wish her or them ill, despite my bitterness. If she's happy, then good for her. Edited August 4, 2014 by bulldogz Link to post Share on other sites
toolforgrowth Posted August 4, 2014 Share Posted August 4, 2014 Her birthday is less than two weeks away, and it will be hard to not wish her happy birthday. I don't think I'm gonna do it. Don't. My ex's birthday was yesterday and I didn't say a word; haven't spoken to her in months, although she's sent me breadcrumbs here and there; the last one was a call froma private number about a week or so ago . I've ignored every one. Last year I reached out on her birthday which got us "on again", and that was a very bad thing. The last time we were off again I told her it was permanent and haven't spoken to her since. They don't deserve us wishing them a happy anything. They can find that hhappiness on their own. And if they can't, that's their problem. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author bulldogz Posted August 6, 2014 Author Share Posted August 6, 2014 I will have to accept that the relationship is over. I realized today that the relationship we had is, in fact, over. I've read that when people get back together it has to be a "new relationship," and I think I understand what that means. It will be harder, and it will come later, to accept that I probably wont ever see her again. She may have been my lover, but was also my best friend for 6 months. I know on neither count that means much to people who've been together for longer, but what we had was special, and meant a lot to me in an abstract sense. It had its challenges, but put a smile on my face and in my heart. When I woke up this morning, it hit me I'm not with her... I actually was sure I was going to marry her for some time. Link to post Share on other sites
mtnbiker3000 Posted August 6, 2014 Share Posted August 6, 2014 Your feelings are justified!! Don't discount your RS or your feelings about it. It meant a lot to you, as mine meant a lot to me. That's enough!!! Accept whatever you are feeling and embrace & process it!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author bulldogz Posted August 6, 2014 Author Share Posted August 6, 2014 (edited) Here's the junk I would write her, but wouldn't: Hi, I just watched "she's out of my league," set in Pittsburgh... It reminded me of our trip there. It was so fun to experience a part of your life there in the city. I feel like the dude in the movie, only I didn't get the happy ending. ****, I broke down when they were in the tunnel under the pond at the zoo watching the polar bear, like we did last fall. This is the movie I had rented and we were going to watch the last night together, before you kept grilling me and said you weren't coming on that vacation. I still love you. I'm sorry I lost my temper too much. I've changed, but I know it's too late. -bulldogz Edited August 6, 2014 by bulldogz Link to post Share on other sites
mtnbiker3000 Posted August 6, 2014 Share Posted August 6, 2014 (edited) Alright. Now this is just gettin' silly... Step 1 - Stop this kind of sappy BS!!! ^^^^ Step 2 - Reach down between your legs and make a fist around whatever is there. Feel those? Them's your balls!!! You can either let them shrivel up like raisins, or let em swing low, loud and proud. Like a pair a plums in a nylon stocking!!! Edited August 6, 2014 by mtnbiker3000 Link to post Share on other sites
Author bulldogz Posted August 6, 2014 Author Share Posted August 6, 2014 It gets sillier... One week after BU I faked my GPS location and checked in on FB on that vacation we never took, which I didn't go on alone, just to make her think I didn't need her company, and that I would look "independent" if I was there without her. I even posted photos (from previous trips there) and made sure the weather patterns and position of the sun were correct. This backfired, because she thought I actually went, got offended, and that made getting her to help me get a plane ticket refund a major hassle!!! ... Thanks mtnbiker, and others, for replies... I read them all and take everything under advisement, believe it or not! Link to post Share on other sites
mtnbiker3000 Posted August 6, 2014 Share Posted August 6, 2014 You are putting waaaay too much energy into all of this. To her and what she thinks of you. None of that matters now. I repeat, NONE OF THAT MATTERS NOW. It really doesn't!! Spend your energy working on yourself. Getting stronger. Learning about yourself and ways to improve yourself. For yourself. Not for her!!! 4 Link to post Share on other sites
No Limit Posted August 6, 2014 Share Posted August 6, 2014 You are putting waaaay too much energy into all of this. Huh, indeed. Everybody I know would just laugh out loud when seeing the ugly new BF and move on. Maybe OPs GF couldn't stand attractiveness? Link to post Share on other sites
Simon Phoenix Posted August 6, 2014 Share Posted August 6, 2014 It gets sillier... One week after BU I faked my GPS location and checked in on FB on that vacation we never took, which I didn't go on alone, just to make her think I didn't need her company, and that I would look "independent" if I was there without her. I even posted photos (from previous trips there) and made sure the weather patterns and position of the sun were correct. This backfired, because she thought I actually went, got offended, and that made getting her to help me get a plane ticket refund a major hassle!!! ... Thanks mtnbiker, and others, for replies... I read them all and take everything under advisement, believe it or not! Dude....... 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Mary Oak Posted August 6, 2014 Share Posted August 6, 2014 I don't think you are crazy for believing there is some hidden message in the ad left in the box. But... I do not think it means anything at all. I think you WANT to believe it means something, so you convince yourself it does. Just because you WANT it to be doesn't make it true. You are reaching for ANYTHING. I believe your rational mind knows it means nothing but your emotions are clouding your judgement. In reality, even IF it did mean something, it doesn't mean what you want it to. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author bulldogz Posted August 6, 2014 Author Share Posted August 6, 2014 Dude....... What can I say; she was a special lady. I'm not even sure what I was thinking when I faked the FB check-in. I wasn't thinking, actually. Link to post Share on other sites
NC-Thomas Posted August 6, 2014 Share Posted August 6, 2014 What can I say; she was a special lady. I'm not even sure what I was thinking when I faked the FB check-in. I wasn't thinking, actually. She's not special. Remove her from that pedestal and put your @ss up there. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Mary Oak Posted August 6, 2014 Share Posted August 6, 2014 Do you post in this forum in hopes she may see it? I am guessing that is why you chose a name she would recognize? Link to post Share on other sites
Author bulldogz Posted August 6, 2014 Author Share Posted August 6, 2014 (edited) Do you post in this forum in hopes she may see it? I am guessing that is why you chose a name she would recognize? No; I have no association with this username other than on this site. She doesn't know it. Didn't use dating site username, or aim username, or anything else she would know It's actually silly fur me to think she reads this site or has any idea I am associated with my username. Edited August 6, 2014 by bulldogz Link to post Share on other sites
Mary Oak Posted August 6, 2014 Share Posted August 6, 2014 I"m 70% sure this woman browses this site and knows who this username is associated with. But **** it. But this is what you said in your first post? Link to post Share on other sites
Author bulldogz Posted August 6, 2014 Author Share Posted August 6, 2014 I"m 70% sure this woman browses this site and knows who this username is associated with. But **** it. But this is what you said in your first post? I since realized it is actually a 0.000070% chance she browses it. It wouldn't make any sense for her to be here and/or in the breakup section if she has a new BF she's been seeing for 2-3 months. The content probably actually does give it away (or maybe not), but certainly not the username, and like I said I realize she wouldn't have any reason to browse this site. Link to post Share on other sites
Author bulldogz Posted August 11, 2014 Author Share Posted August 11, 2014 The "happy birthday" text... If I don't send it, it won't send any message b/c she's probably forgotten about me. Ouch If I don't send it, I may have dissonant feelings afterwards, and regret not sending it. Ouch If I send it and get no reply; ouch. If I send it and she says she's seeing someone, ouch. Right now I'm probably not going to do it. If I could pretend that NOT sending it actually meant something, I might feel better about not sending it. Link to post Share on other sites
SoThatHappened Posted August 11, 2014 Share Posted August 11, 2014 If you send it, regardless of her response: OUCH no matter what. Do not, I repeat, DO NOT send her a text. You need to be focusing on moving on... not her birthday. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author bulldogz Posted August 11, 2014 Author Share Posted August 11, 2014 Ok........ Link to post Share on other sites
mightycpa Posted August 11, 2014 Share Posted August 11, 2014 The one great thing about the way you feel is that when you want to ask other girls out, you can reach for the very top. After all, the sting that a smokin' hot chick can deliver by saying "NO" to you is NOTHING compared to the sting your ex has doled out to you. Shouldn't even be a blip on the radar, so there's no downside to asking girls out that are way above your league. In essence, you have been given the gift of immunization from future rejection. Use it well. It worked wonders for me. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
OwMyEyeball Posted August 11, 2014 Share Posted August 11, 2014 The "happy birthday" text... If I don't send it, it won't send any message b/c she's probably forgotten about me. Ouch If I don't send it, I may have dissonant feelings afterwards, and regret not sending it. Ouch If I send it and get no reply; ouch. If I send it and she says she's seeing someone, ouch. Right now I'm probably not going to do it. If I could pretend that NOT sending it actually meant something, I might feel better about not sending it. If you don't develop some healthy distractions from these types of topics, or any subject that involves her to even the slightest degree, you'll be prolonging the "ouch" through every action and inaction. The relationship is over. Nothing she says or does is in proper context. You're in your head on this way more than is healthy. The "woulda, shoulda, coulda, mighta" routine will wear you out. Link to post Share on other sites
Author bulldogz Posted August 11, 2014 Author Share Posted August 11, 2014 (edited) The one great thing about the way you feel is that when you want to ask other girls out, you can reach for the very top. After all, the sting that a smokin' hot chick can deliver by saying "NO" to you is NOTHING compared to the sting your ex has doled out to you. Shouldn't even be a blip on the radar, so there's no downside to asking girls out that are way above your league. In essence, you have been given the gift of immunization from future rejection. Use it well. It worked wonders for me. Yes, this was true maybe the first month after breakup, but it's worn off. She has abandonment anxieties and tries to hook guys that she knows won't dump her, so she can feel in control of relationship. It makes me sick that she thinks his genes are better for a child than mine. Edited August 11, 2014 by bulldogz Link to post Share on other sites
Author bulldogz Posted August 11, 2014 Author Share Posted August 11, 2014 You know what gives me one tiny sliver of hope (and I don't mean necessarily getting back with her)... I read real-world accounts on this site about people (whether dumper or dumpee) who secretly miss their ex. They still think about them, but wouldn't break NC and/or reach out to them for a plethora of reasons (not the least common of which seems to be to bit give their ex the "satisfaction" of knowing they are on their minds). So I choose to believe I am not forgotten, and that she wishes she still had me, when she is entrenched in the obsequious pampering of her new boy-toy. It may or may not be true. Link to post Share on other sites
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