Tbisb74 Posted August 1, 2014 Posted August 1, 2014 I think it's a valuable insight that you've posted "the two sides" That's very fair. All I would say is to be alert for red flags; things he puts 'on you' when it should either be on him, or a joint effort....
Gaeta Posted August 1, 2014 Posted August 1, 2014 Lol! I'm from a different school district so she and I have never met. He's a charmer! The relationship before me lasted about 4 months but the distance was too much for him. He was engaged to the ex with the son and they were together for about 2 years. So my theory isn't so far fetched. Did he have any relationship longer than 2 years?
preraph Posted August 1, 2014 Posted August 1, 2014 I don't get it either. She has been in her life for a year and a half. And she still does not know if she is capable of loving this child? And that should not be concerning to a parent? . But that isn't what she said. There's a big difference between "loving this child," which she seems to love all children, and saying she's positive she can love this child as much as her own when she has them. There's never any guarantee of that. For one thing, stepparent positions are very limited in that you have all the responsbility without any say in discipline, how they're raised etc. Any court will tell you that. So it's not exactly like you can proceed to mold them the same as if they were your own because you are not allowed to. 2
preraph Posted August 1, 2014 Posted August 1, 2014 I think you need to have a big talk with him about that you will not let him derail your own life path and career and all that. He must respect your life plan and not expect you to drop it to fit into his. If he is worth hanging in there for, and having the talk about how important your work will remain to you doesn't turn him around, then suggest you have couples therapy. Good luck! 1
Gaeta Posted August 1, 2014 Posted August 1, 2014 What about if this is not about his child? We have a 35 year old man that has been engaged twice now, that we know of. If this man's relationships never went beyond 2 years as it seems so OP time with him has expired and he is using this incident to create an issue that would eventually lead to a break up.
Eivuwan Posted August 1, 2014 Posted August 1, 2014 What about if this is not about his child? We have a 35 year old man that has been engaged twice now, that we know of. If this man's relationships never went beyond 2 years as it seems so OP time with him has expired and he is using this incident to create an issue that would eventually lead to a break up. I see this issue too. OP, I can see from your guy's side why he reacted the way he did. However, he has very deep emotional needs that seems unrealistic for any singular woman to fulfill. Is that why he has trouble committing to someone? Maybe he expects too much. I would also suggest couples counseling to get at the root of the issue. We can't expect our partners to make up all the years of neglect or suffering that we grew up with. IMO, his expectations are unrealistic, his conflict resolution skills are poor, and he has unresolved emotional needs. Otherwise, he does seem like a pretty good person so this is worth working on. I'm sure you have have your own flaws and issues and no one can be perfect right?
BlueIris Posted August 1, 2014 Posted August 1, 2014 (edited) What about if this is not about his child? We have a 35 year old man that has been engaged twice now, that we know of. If this man's relationships never went beyond 2 years as it seems so OP time with him has expired and he is using this incident to create an issue that would eventually lead to a break up. I don’t think it is at all. Grumpy sniffed it out right away. Do not quit your job. You bought a house and he and his child moved into it. Do NOT put his name on the deed. It will be extremely hard to get him and his child out if things go south- and he’s already saying the wedding might be off. Take this very very slowly and watch who he is, as a hands-on dad and toward you. If I were in your shoes, I’d sign up for a M,W,F early morning yoga class and see if his being a hands-on dad in the mornings goes smoothly or if he is pissy about it. Hey, he could turn out to be absolutely fabulous, but the template isn’t great here. The dysfunction of his family of origin, his own substance abuse issues, his having to be “nagged” to clean up after himself, your acting as mom and caretaker for his child already, his alpha and public image traits, his vetoing your chosen activity, and his getting angry about how you are supposed to feel are all reasons for extreme caution. Add to that Gaeta’s point about his relationship history and I wouldn't bring up any wedding for at least a year. At least. Rant: I wish people signed cohabitation agreements and leases as a matter of course. But these days, in the modern era, when the rules have been tossed out of the window, it’s considered unloving and mean to protect your own a** and financial health. It’s so mean, so cold, so heartless, blah blah blah. In the *old days*, families and social norms made sure this level of exposure and risk didn’t occur. OP, I hope you realize what a great catch you are. Never forget it. Edited August 1, 2014 by BlueIris 2
Quiet Storm Posted August 1, 2014 Posted August 1, 2014 But that isn't what she said. There's a big difference between "loving this child," which she seems to love all children, and saying she's positive she can love this child as much as her own when she has them. There's never any guarantee of that. For one thing, stepparent positions are very limited in that you have all the responsbility without any say in discipline, how they're raised etc. Any court will tell you that. So it's not exactly like you can proceed to mold them the same as if they were your own because you are not allowed to. Right in her first post she says I care about her, I don't feel love for her though. I just think after a year and half, even living with the child's father who has 50/50 custody, she should know whether or not she loves the child by now. I don't think love has anything to do with whether or not she can discipline the child, or the fact that the child already has an involved mother, or the fact that this isn't her child to mold. If she isn't going to emotionally invest in the child because she needs power & control in order to "love", then BF isn't the only one with control issues here. I am glad I'm still married to my children's father, because if I wasn't, and the potential step dad could not guarantee that he would love my children, I'd be alone until they move out. My kids deserve better than that. I think people underestimate the impact that step parents & blended families can have on a kid. I can think of at least 5 people who grew up in blended families who say that the divorce & stepparent situation didn't hurt them. Meanwhile they have one failed relationship after another, accept poor treatment from others, have low self worth, poor boundaries, no insight into their own behavior, coping issues, need meds, etc. And according to them, their problems have nothing to do with their upbringing . Yeah, kids are resilient and they will survive. They will adjust (they have no choice) and they will grow into adults, regardless. I just want more for my kids than that- I want them to be happy, self sufficient, successful, confident, well balanced individuals. We are very much the product of our environment and it takes a lot of introspection and insight in order to overcome negative influences or experiences. As a responsible parent, it's important that we protect our kids & be their advocate. If that meant I had to sacrifice my love life, so be it. My responsibility is to them, first. 1
Eivuwan Posted August 1, 2014 Posted August 1, 2014 I think people underestimate the impact that step parents & blended families can have on a kid. I can think of at least 5 people who grew up in blended families who say that the divorce & stepparent situation didn't hurt them. Meanwhile they have one failed relationship after another, accept poor treatment from others, have low self worth, poor boundaries, no insight into their own behavior, coping issues, need meds, etc. And according to them, their problems have nothing to do with their upbringing . You realize that 5 is a meaningless number right? I think sometimes we have too much confidence in our interpretations of what is going on with the people around us. I came from a blended family and I'm fine, but my example shouldn't be used to discuss what happens in general.
Quiet Storm Posted August 1, 2014 Posted August 1, 2014 (edited) You realize that 5 is a meaningless number right? I think sometimes we have too much confidence in our interpretations of what is going on with the people around us. I came from a blended family and I'm fine, but my example shouldn't be used to discuss what happens in general. There will always be stories from both sides of the coin, but blending families should be done very carefully and thoughtfully. We can't see the future and predict the outcome, but there are things that can mitigate the risk. I personally feel that there is a better chance for a positive outcome if the stepparent loves the child. By choosing a partner that knows they have already have the capacity to love the child, it ensures that at least the basic foundation of the blended family is strong. The love is there. As for my interpretations of those around me... I can draw my own conclusions and that's OK. We all have issues, and acknowledging them is the first step to managing them. When I hear people say that a divorce or difficult childhood did not affect them, and they continue to make bad choices or stay for years on end with people that disrespect them, I can't help but think their childhood contributed. My own dysfunctional family inspired me to get educated on these issues, and I am very sympathetic to children in difficult situations. (Its the reason that I chose my signature quote below) Edited August 1, 2014 by Quiet Storm
Eivuwan Posted August 1, 2014 Posted August 1, 2014 There will always be stories from both sides of the coin, but blending families should be done very carefully and thoughtfully. We can't see the future and predict the outcome, but there are things that can mitigate the risk. I personally feel that there is a better chance for a positive outcome if the stepparent loves the child. By choosing a partner that knows they have already have the capacity to love the child, it ensures that at least the basic foundation of the blended family is strong. The love is there. I guess the problem that I have with people reacting negatively to what the OP said about loving her fiance's daughter is that I see that she will likely be a good stepmom from her actions alone. There are many people who say that they love someone and treat them like crap. What you do is way more important than how you might be feeling at the moment or what you say IMO. 1
Leigh 87 Posted August 1, 2014 Posted August 1, 2014 I am completely on his side Step mothers are the worse, they can and will destroy a child life if they didn't love that child enough .. You already don't love his child ....so I assume when you will have you own your child This poor girl will be denied of so many things because she is not yours..... one of my friends in elementary school was suffering a lot with her evil step mother ... I am not saying you will be one of these evil step mothers, but you already seem not that fan of this little girl He has every right to step out of this relationship and frankly you can do the same .... Because at the end of the day, you shouldn't tolerate this kind of treatment. It's true I am on his side, but he can't force you to love his child .. It is extremely common for women to not be able to love children that are not their own. Children are annoying and hard work. It isnt easy for many people to love another's child. Why on earth did you make reference to evil stepmothers? The op has said nothing that indicates she is anything but lovely to this child. Children are owed expect and decency and nothing more from adults who aren't their parents. Love is something that is normally reserved for biological children.
Quiet Storm Posted August 1, 2014 Posted August 1, 2014 I guess the problem that I have with people reacting negatively to what the OP said about loving her fiance's daughter is that I see that she will likely be a good stepmom from her actions alone. There are many people who say that they love someone and treat them like crap. What you do is way more important than how you might be feeling at the moment or what you say IMO. I agree that actions are important, but I think the motivations are important, too. Doing all those actions for year and a half and still saying "I care but I don't love her" would make me , as a parent, feel that she was doing what was expected, but her heart wasn't in it. And that wouldn't be good enough for me as a parent, especially if I knew there are people out there that could possibly love my kids.
Eivuwan Posted August 1, 2014 Posted August 1, 2014 I agree that actions are important, but I think the motivations are important, too. Doing all those actions for year and a half and still saying "I care but I don't love her" would make me , as a parent, feel that she was doing what was expected, but her heart wasn't in it. And that wouldn't be good enough for me as a parent, especially if I knew there are people out there that could possibly love my kids. Well OP, are you going through the motions and just doing what you are expected to do?
spiderowl Posted August 2, 2014 Posted August 2, 2014 I think maybe he is talking about bonding not love. We automatically love those we are bonded with. We can't imagine not including them or not treating them as part of our personal family. We become protective of them. The become 'our' children. It sounds as though you haven't really bonded with her. You are doing all the right things, making an effort, being kind to her, etc., but do not feel that bond that her father feels. He will feel concerned if it is not there. Whether it is is fair of him or not, it is a potential problem and he understands that. Your 'step' daughter will be a teenager before too long and probably more difficult to deal with. How would you be able to handle that if you don't actually have that underlying caring bond? I am not criticising you, just noting that this bond is not there. It may matter, a lot. It may not because you may suddenly start to feel like her mother/sister/someone closely attached to her. He can't reasonably expect you to feel something you can't. He can only expect you to treat her well. However, he is obviously looking for someone who will have that instinctive maternal bonding with his daughter. Perhaps you and he should discuss why he is so anxious about this. What does he think will occur as a results of your emotional distance? What are his real concerns? Perhaps you also need to think about whether this is what you want, a ready-made family and all that goes with it. Do you feel you are a maternal person generally? I ask because I have always been. There has never been a question for me. Living up to it, when tired after a baby has colic is another matter, but I know I'm fundamentally a maternal person. Is motherhood and all that kind of responsibility what you want anyway? 1
preraph Posted August 2, 2014 Posted August 2, 2014 ^ I have to agree with that last part especially because this is his GOOD behavior, when he doesn't have you in his pocket yet. I do think it will get much worse.
Author lacoqueta Posted August 2, 2014 Author Posted August 2, 2014 ^ Everything that's posted above in Bold print was my response. I kinda messed it up when I was copying and pasting.
Eivuwan Posted August 2, 2014 Posted August 2, 2014 Well, OP the long distance thing makes sense as to why you do not currently feel love for her. People jump to conclusions so fast. -_- Anyway, I am wondering what are some of the other issues in your relationship that is making you question it.
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