Wants me to love his daughter

[Quiet Storm]

She loves this child. It is evident in her posts. It isn't always self evident to people when they are new to something. Read the entire thread. She just finds it odd that her fiancé gave her an ultimatum and I do too because it points to bigger control issues. This is definitely about control and micromanagement. She is right to be concerned.

OP, what are his real fears here?

In support,

G

 

 

I respectfully disagree with you on this one, Grumpy. If she isn't emotionally mature enough to identify her own feelings of love, how can she be a good wife or stepmother? I have read the whole thread and it seems to me that she is going through the motions, but her heart's not all in. Its OK to be confused about love and not have insight into your own feelings, but isn't that a sign that she's not ready for this? We would never advise a couple to get married if one had doubts & wasn't sure they loved their partner. But it's OK for blended families?

 

I think his behavior is very easy to figure out. Controlling others is a common (unhealthy) coping method, prompted by unchecked anxiety. Most controlling behavior- whether its a man who forbids his GF from wearing tight clothes, or a woman that throws tantrums when her BF goes out- stems from anxiety or fear (it may be unjustified fear or anxiety, but it's still very real to the person experiencing it). The person doesn't know how to cope with their anxiety, so they try to relieve it by controlling others & their environment. This isn't a good way to deal with things, but its common for people who lack healthy coping skills.

 

In this case, her admission is causing this guy anxiety (rightly so, IMO). He wants the woman he marries to love his daughter, and she can't promise that. This is causing him stress & anxiety, because his first responsibility is to his child. However, he does love OP and wants to marry her. Breaking up with her is not what he wants to do. His demands for her to love the child are misguided attempts at a resolution. In his mind, if she would just love the child, then the problem would be solved. I agree that his demands are unrealistic & counterproductive, but from his perspective, the only alternative is to break up.

 

I think they both aren't ready to take this to the next level.

Edited July 31, 2014 by Quiet Storm

[MissBee]

I respectfully disagree with you on this one, Grumpy. If she isn't emotionally mature enough to identify her own feelings of love, how can she be a good wife or stepmother? I have read the whole thread and it seems to me that she is going through the motions, but her heart's not all in. Its OK to be confused about love and not have insight into your own feelings, but isn't that a sign that she's not ready for this? We would never advise a couple to get married if one had doubts & wasn't sure they loved their partner. But it's OK for blended families?

 

I think his behavior is very easy to figure out. Controlling others is a common (unhealthy) coping method, prompted by unchecked anxiety. Most controlling behavior- whether its a man who forbids his GF from wearing tight clothes, or a woman that throws tantrums when her BF goes out- stems from anxiety or fear (it may be unjustified fear or anxiety, but it's still very real to the person experiencing it). The person doesn't know how to cope with their anxiety, so they try to relieve it by controlling others & their environment. This isn't a good way to deal with things, but its common for people who lack healthy coping skills.

 

In this case, her admission is causing this guy anxiety (rightly so, IMO). He wants the woman he marries to love his daughter, and she can't promise that. This is causing him stress & anxiety, because his first responsibility is to his child. However, he does love OP and wants to marry her. Breaking up with her is not what he wants to do. His demands for her to love the child are misguided attempts at a resolution. In his mind, if she would just love the child, then the problem would be solved. I agree that his demands are unrealistic & counterproductive, but from his perspective, the only alternative is to break up.

 

I think they both aren't ready to take this to the next level.

 

Great post.

 

And this is why I'd suggest premarital counseling for them before they make any further decisions about going down the aisle.

[lollipopspot]

I think it's right for a parent to be concerned about how their new partner will feel about and treat stepchildren vs. natural children. It's great that he doesn't want his daughter to feel like second best in his home. Some stepparents are more inclusive about children in their home being "their children" - in the same way, some people see their adopted children every bit as much "their children" as they do their natural children (when they have both).

[Grumpybutfun]

I respectfully disagree with you on this one, Grumpy. If she isn't emotionally mature enough to identify her own feelings of love, how can she be a good wife or stepmother? I have read the whole thread and it seems to me that she is going through the motions, but her heart's not all in. Its OK to be confused about love and not have insight into your own feelings, but isn't that a sign that she's not ready for this? We would never advise a couple to get married if one had doubts & wasn't sure they loved their partner. But it's OK for blended families?

 

I think his behavior is very easy to figure out. Controlling others is a common (unhealthy) coping method, prompted by unchecked anxiety. Most controlling behavior- whether its a man who forbids his GF from wearing tight clothes, or a woman that throws tantrums when her BF goes out- stems from anxiety or fear (it may be unjustified fear or anxiety, but it's still very real to the person experiencing it). The person doesn't know how to cope with their anxiety, so they try to relieve it by controlling others & their environment. This isn't a good way to deal with things, but its common for people who lack healthy coping skills.

 

In this case, her admission is causing this guy anxiety (rightly so, IMO). He wants the woman he marries to love his daughter, and she can't promise that. This is causing him stress & anxiety, because his first responsibility is to his child. However, he does love OP and wants to marry her. Breaking up with her is not what he wants to do. His demands for her to love the child are misguided attempts at a resolution. In his mind, if she would just love the child, then the problem would be solved. I agree that his demands are unrealistic & counterproductive, but from his perspective, the only alternative is to break up.

 

I think they both aren't ready to take this to the next level.

 

With respect as I generally agree with you, many of us who weren't mature enough to identify feelings and behaviors went on to become loyal husbands and wives and great parents and step parents. Giving up, giving ultimatums is lazy and controlling. This process, i.e. her feelings just need to develop naturally. He needs to understand healthy relationships aren't micromanaged.

 

As a very devout father, I understand the need to have cohesion and parity, but to give an ultimatum or to throw away a relationship on it seems more immature and controlling than anything she has admitted. Alas, this is just my opinion and can be disregarded as drivel but I believe nothing she has said shows an aversion or dislike for his little girl. She obviously cares for her and was given a hypothetical situation to wrap her mind around. I can postulate hypothetically about many things but reality might be far different.

Best,

Grumps

[Quiet Storm]

With respect as I generally agree with you, many of us who weren't mature enough to identify feelings and behaviors went on to become loyal husbands and wives and great parents and step parents. Giving up, giving ultimatums is lazy and controlling. This process, i.e. her feelings just need to develop naturally. He needs to understand healthy relationships aren't micromanaged.

 

As a very devout father, I understand the need to have cohesion and parity, but to give an ultimatum or to throw away a relationship on it seems more immature and controlling than anything she has admitted. Alas, this is just my opinion and can be disregarded as drivel but I believe nothing she has said shows an aversion or dislike for his little girl. She obviously cares for her and was given a hypothetical situation to wrap her mind around. I can postulate hypothetically about many things but reality might be far different.

Best,

Grumps

 

 

I agree people can mature and grow, but I think the marriage shouldnt happen until she is confident in her feelings.

 

It surprises me that so many people think these people should get married! This guy just wants his wife to love his daughter. If I were in his shoes, I may not make demands but I would certainly reconsider the relationship and put wedding plans on hold. I know you can't force feelings, but marrying with the hope that in time the love will grow seems so backwards to me.

 

From her first post, he said there will be no talk of marriage plans until she loves his daughter. I think he is being a smart & responsible parent by putting off the marriage until she is sure how she feels.

Edited July 31, 2014 by Quiet Storm

[Quiet Storm]

Sometimes we feel controlled when people are stating their expectations and clarifying what's acceptable to them.

 

It isn't controlling to state your expectations and what you will do if those expectations are not met. There is a fine line between "You better love my kid or we're done" and "I want my future wife to love my daughter, so Im not thinking about marriage yet"

 

The same converation can be interpreted in different ways, and although OP may feel pressured and contolled, he has the right to this expectation and the right to accept nothing less.

 

OP also has the right to her feelings. If she feels controlled, if she feels hes being unfair, she should leave.

[Smilecharmer]

Did you two break up?

[lacoqueta]

She loves this child. It is evident in her posts. It isn't always self evident to people when they are new to something. Read the entire thread. She just finds it odd that her fiancé gave her an ultimatum and I do too because it points to bigger control issues. This is definitely about control and micromanagement. She is right to be concerned.

OP, what are his real fears here?

In support,

G

 

 

 

I don't know how to pinpoint it exactly. It's very confusing to me because some of his actions have contradicted the expectations he has for me. The girl he dated before me (not the ex with the son), is a kindergarten teacher. She's a natural with children (from what I had heard about her). He told me that the relationship was great and what he loved the most was how much she loved his daughter (she had actually been her teacher). Now they were just dating and who did he cut it off for??? Me! Why? He said that as much as he liked her, he could not respect her (she had a past) and was more physically attracted to me. If his daughter is supposed to be the determining factor as to who he dates, why didn't he stay with her?

 

 

He has never complained about my relationship with his daughter or my treatment of her. Also, in the beginning of our relationship I had mentioned that I'd like to participate in Big Buddy. He DID NOT like this! He told me that he did not like the idea of me taking attention away from his daughter for other kids. Once again I felt resentment. He's very passionate about a sport that he coaches at the collegiate level and now at the high school level as well. This takes him away from the home a lot and I understand because it's his passion. I want to be supportive of this so it kinda ticked me off that he didn't support what I wanted to do.

 

 

This is where the resentment is coming in......I absolutely agree 100% that he has every right to be concerned about his daughter's well being. Rather than react the way he did, where was the concern for why I might be feeling this way? Where was the part where, as my loving partner, he asks me if maybe there is some need that isn't being met and if we can fix that? Is it ONLY supposed to be about HER feelings? We are supposed to be uniting as a team. I'm going (maybe) to be the future step mom! My role is going to be very tough. My brother's gf was telling me that she hated her step mom even though her step mom loved her. She said she gave her hell but that now that she is an adult, she can see how hard it was for her step mom. She thought it was unfair for him to put me on the spot like that and that he has no idea how tough it's going to be for me.

 

 

Sorry if this sounds like rambling, I'm in a hurry and had to type fast. Will clarify later!

[preraph]

The biggest red flag now I've read all of your updated posts is that he definitely is expecting you to be something he can't be. It's as if he wants an extension of himself - but ONLY to take care of and love HIS daughter. I have never heard of anyone trying to keep someone from being invested in their students or their mentoring type relationships. I just think it's a big red flag. I also fear he's going to be a weird father who maybe has a problem with his daughter being social if that type stuff bugs him that much. It sounds like he's trying to find someone who is more like a nanny but a permanent nanny for his daughter who won't be distracted by anything or anyone else.

 

I think he sounds awfully weird, I'm sad to say. You're the second teacher he's auditioned -- I mean, dated, so he's definitely fixated on finding "the package" that includes excellent and free childcare. I have read so many court cases to do with custody and how when asked how they plan on taking care of their child if they are awarded joint custody, the answer is have their mother do it or have their girlfriend do it, that it's true I'm cynical on the subject at this point. Maybe I overlooked something, but I am curious if his mother is available for childcare or not. I'm guessing there's some reason he isn't putting all this on her which is the most usual thing.

 

The child has a mother, and if he thinks he's going to be able to find a woman to just replace her, that ain't going to happen.

 

I just wanted to say thanks for being one of those rare people who not only can but loves helping the at-risk kids. It would be a real shame to let anyone detract from your work in that regard.

[Eivuwan]

The biggest red flag now I've read all of your updated posts is that he definitely is expecting you to be something he can't be. It's as if he wants an extension of himself - but ONLY to take care of and love HIS daughter. I have never heard of anyone trying to keep someone from being invested in their students or their mentoring type relationships. I just think it's a big red flag. I also fear he's going to be a weird father who maybe has a problem with his daughter being social if that type stuff bugs him that much. It sounds like he's trying to find someone who is more like a nanny but a permanent nanny for his daughter who won't be distracted by anything or anyone else.

 

I think he sounds awfully weird, I'm sad to say. You're the second teacher he's auditioned -- I mean, dated, so he's definitely fixated on finding "the package" that includes excellent and free childcare. I have read so many court cases to do with custody and how when asked how they plan on taking care of their child if they are awarded joint custody, the answer is have their mother do it or have their girlfriend do it, that it's true I'm cynical on the subject at this point. Maybe I overlooked something, but I am curious if his mother is available for childcare or not. I'm guessing there's some reason he isn't putting all this on her which is the most usual thing.

 

The child has a mother, and if he thinks he's going to be able to find a woman to just replace her, that ain't going to happen.

 

I just wanted to say thanks for being one of those rare people who not only can but loves helping the at-risk kids. It would be a real shame to let anyone detract from your work in that regard.

 

I agree. He's being odd and controlling in the way he is handling this situation. He may have legitimate concerns, but the way he resolves conflicts is just so unfair. It sounds like it's my way or the highway. Where is there room for discussion, compromise etc? I am afraid that if you do marry him without resolving this issue, the relationship would become very unequal for you. I can imagine him telling you that you can't do various things that you like because it would affect his daughter -_-.

[Gaeta]

I don't know how to pinpoint it exactly. It's very confusing to me because some of his actions have contradicted the expectations he has for me. The girl he dated before me (not the ex with the son!

 

How many teachers he dated from that school for goodness!!

 

A serious question now, how long lasted his past relationship? Sounds like your boyfriend has a pattern and he always bails out before really committing.

[Quiet Storm]

You two shouldn't get married. You both aren't ready. You already have resentment and unmet needs. He has expectations that you feel are unrealistic. I even heard a twinge of jealousy with the"its all about her feelings" comment.

 

As for his old GF, she probably had other qualities he didn't like. He probably assumed after you got to know her, saw her in plays, cheered for her in sports, laughed with her, hugged her, tucked her in at night, etc., that you would love her as much as the old GF did. I think it surprised him when you said that, I think he assumed you already loved her.

[Eivuwan]

You two shouldn't get married. You both aren't ready. You already have resentment and unmet needs. He has expectations that you feel are unrealistic. I even heard a twinge of jealousy with the"its all about her feelings" comment.

 

As for his old GF, she probably had other qualities he didn't like. He probably assumed after you got to know her, saw her in plays, cheered for her in sports, laughed with her, hugged her, tucked her in at night, etc., that you would love her as much as the old GF did. I think it surprised him when you said that, I think he assumed you already loved her.

 

But don't you think it's weird that he doesn't want her to do Big Buddy just because it would take some time away from his daughter?

 

Edit: Also, I don't think it's jealousy to be annoyed when it's all about the kid. Why date anyone if you are not going to put their feelings and perspective into consideration?

[Quiet Storm]

But don't you think it's weird that he doesn't want her to do Big Buddy just because it would take some time away from his daughter?

 

Edit: Also, I don't think it's jealousy to be annoyed when it's all about the kid. Why date anyone if you are not going to put their feelings and perspective into consideration?

 

It is weird, and it's creating resentment in her. They both aren't ready to be married.

[preraph]

^ Yeah, not to each other. I think she'd be great married to someone else and deserves a more right guy.

[Noproblem]

I am completely on his side

 

Step mothers are the worse, they can and will destroy a child life if they didn't love that child enough ..

 

You already don't love his child ....so I assume when you will have you own your child

 

This poor girl will be denied of so many things because she is not yours.....

 

 

one of my friends in elementary school was suffering a lot with her evil step mother ...

 

I am not saying you will be one of these evil step mothers, but you already seem not that fan of this little girl

 

He has every right to step out of this relationship and frankly you can do the same ....

 

Because at the end of the day, you shouldn't tolerate this kind of treatment.

 

It's true I am on his side, but he can't force you to love his child ..

[preraph]

^ Boy, I just didn't get that at all from her posts. She seems like a very loving person who loves kids and puts a lot of herself into helping them on all levels. She's just not going to lie to qualify herself for him because she recognizes he is a bit out of line in his demands, as you do as well. She's probably the best choice for his daughter as far as a stepmom is concerned, but I just don't think he measures up and that she deserves someone more rational.

[Keenly]

I agree. He's being odd and controlling in the way he is handling this situation. He may have legitimate concerns, but the way he resolves conflicts is just so unfair. It sounds like it's my way or the highway. Where is there room for discussion, compromise etc? I am afraid that if you do marry him without resolving this issue, the relationship would become very unequal for you. I can imagine him telling you that you can't do various things that you like because it would affect his daughter -_-.

 

 

Wait a second....

 

 

How is he being controlling? So far all I've seen is that he won't marry some one that does not love his daughter as their own, or rather some one who is incapable of achieving such.

 

How is that controlling?

[Quiet Storm]

Wait a second...

 

 

How is he being controlling? So far all I've seen is that he won't marry some one that does not love his daughter as their own, or rather some one who is incapable of achieving such.

 

How is that controlling?

 

I don't get it either.

 

She says the girl is happy, sweet, etc. She takes her to tennis and goes to her functions. She lives with her for part of the time. So they talk, laugh, have breakfast, hang out together. She has been in her life for a year and a half. And she still does not know if she is capable of loving this child? And that should not be concerning to a parent?

 

I wouldn't be able to accept that. I think that's long enough to know. I'm not saying he is perfect or that he is a great catch. I just understand his concerns and would feel the same way. I don't think it's an unreasonable preference or controlling to want that.

[Eivuwan]

Wait a second....

 

 

How is he being controlling? So far all I've seen is that he won't marry some one that does not love his daughter as their own, or rather some one who is incapable of achieving such.

 

How is that controlling?

 

You haven't read her other posts. She talked about how he demanded that she not participate in school activities like Big Buddy because it would take time away from his daughter.

[BlueIris]

I’m confused about his concern, and a bit suspicious. Is he asking that you perform his parenting responsibilities for him? Does he think you’re in competition with his child’s mother? Something just seems so odd about this.

 

I am a biological mom and was a stepmom for a while. My stepson had a mom with whom he has his primary bond to a mother. I honored that. It never occurred to me that there was any requirement that I love him as much- or rather, in the same way- as I loved the children I’d borne and raised. How does one even quantify love, and different kinds of love? I could add dimensions to his life, get to know him as time went on, and enjoy and take care of him, but his primary parental bonds and support were with his parents.

 

I have a very good friend who has been a stepmom to 3 girls for the past ten years, and a terrific one at that, very close to the girls. But she is “mom” to her child, and stepmom to the 3 girls. They love each other but it is inherently different, and everyone in their blended family realizes that. It's a very happy thriving family and she never pits anyone against anyone else, or spoils her child or denies her stepchildren, because both parents raise them all to be good, fair, accountable people. It isn’t as though she is the mean stepmother in Cinderella.

 

I think GrumpyButFun makes a very important point.

Edited August 1, 2014 by BlueIris

[msmolecule]

Is he asking that you perform his parenting responsibilities for him?

 

This actually happens a lot more often than people would think.

 

I have dated single dads and in each case there was some kind of expectation that when the child was with Dad I was somehow expected to take over parental duties so that Dad could behave like he'd never had kids. Some wanted a live in babysitter. I have had to have this conversation:

 

"Your child is visiting you to be with YOU. Not to be with me. You need to take this opportunity to be a part of your child's life."

 

The relationships ended soon after that.

[ja123]

No way I would love a child that wasn't mine.

 

Hmmm, I wouldn't have expected this, Leigh, considering you're into social work, causes, volunteering, etc.

Edited August 1, 2014 by ja123

[lacoqueta]

SmileCharmer.....We did not break up. When I first posted this, he was away visiting family for the week in another state. I was supposed to be on that plane but we had decided it was best I not go.

 

 

Quietstorm.....I have yet to see anyone say that we SHOULD get married. I've seen nothing but concern from both sides of the posters on here, whether they are on his side or mine. There have been suggestions that we break up or go get help. I'd like to at least go speak with a therapist. I'm going to add more at the bottom......

 

 

The biggest red flag now I've read all of your updated posts is that he definitely is expecting you to be something he can't be. It's as if he wants an extension of himself - but ONLY to take care of and love HIS daughter. I have never heard of anyone trying to keep someone from being invested in their students or their mentoring type relationships. I just think it's a big red flag. I also fear he's going to be a weird father who maybe has a problem with his daughter being social if that type stuff bugs him that much. It sounds like he's trying to find someone who is more like a nanny but a permanent nanny for his daughter who won't be distracted by anything or anyone else.

 

I think he sounds awfully weird, I'm sad to say. You're the second teacher he's auditioned -- I mean, dated, so he's definitely fixated on finding "the package" that includes excellent and free childcare. I have read so many court cases to do with custody and how when asked how they plan on taking care of their child if they are awarded joint custody, the answer is have their mother do it or have their girlfriend do it, that it's true I'm cynical on the subject at this point. Maybe I overlooked something, but I am curious if his mother is available for childcare or not. I'm guessing there's some reason he isn't putting all this on her which is the most usual thing.

 

The child has a mother, and if he thinks he's going to be able to find a woman to just replace her, that ain't going to happen.

 

I just wanted to say thanks for being one of those rare people who not only can but loves helping the at-risk kids. It would be a real shame to let anyone detract from your work in that regard.

 

 

 

 

Thank you for your kind words! I really love what I do. It's hard but very rewarding. You obviously know We start next week and it's going to be a doosey this year so I've been crazy busy getting things ready.

 

 

I will say this...a lot of what you and Eivuwan said have been the same concerns I've had. I feel bad though, since I've been upset these last few days I've only mentioned the negatives. I feel it's only fair I mention the good things too.

 

 

He LOVES spending time with his daughter. When I say spend time with her I mean he tucks her in every night, he reads her stories, they have "their" show they watch, he dyes eggs with her, he'll dance with her. Doesn't matter how silly it is, he'll do it. He fought very hard to get 50/50 custody. He's a huge advocate when it comes to the Dad being in the child's life. He says that most of these men that have little visitation are in that situation because they aren't fighting hard enough. Now those are HIS words, I apologize if that offends any Dads out there. All situations are different and I have zero clue about divorce and custody issues.

 

 

Now, he is alpha male to the core. You look it up in the dictionary, you will see his picture. Loves the spotlight and public speaking. I'm the delicate one that cries easily, hates the spotlight, very shy. He never criticizes me, only looks at my positives. I'm the nag that points out every thing.. the dishes he left, the mess on the table, etc.. He lovingly pointed this out to me (it really was getting out of hand) and was patient while I worked on that. He tells me repeatedly how beautiful I am, is extremely affectionate, and that I'm his best friend. He will participate in anything I ask, even if it's something he does not like. I wanted to take Latin dance lessons, he hates dancing, but he happily signed us up because it's what I wanted. We had so much fun doing it and he never made me feel like I was dragging him there.

 

 

Like Quietstorm says, the anxiety he is feeling is very real in his head. This why I'm on here trying to find some sort of advice. I can't go to my parents or girlfriends, they will just take my side and tell me what I want to hear. I don't want there to be tension between everyone if we work things out.

 

 

He grew up in a home where his dad was emotionally absent and mentally abusive. His Dad was a raging alcoholic and he turned out to be one as well. This is how he ended up divorced and losing custody of his daughter in the first place. He's now 4 years sober and I've never known him as an active alcoholic but I've heard some of his horror stories. He goes to at least 2 AA meetings a week, speaks frequently with his sponsor, and if there was even the slightest indication that he might drink again one day....I wouldn't be with him. There are many occasions that we are around alcohol and it does not phase him one bit. Since he's been sober, each year that has gone by has produced a better and better man. He's far from perfect and so am I. From what I've learned about alcoholism, and once again I'm no expert because he's the first one I've had any experience with, the alcoholic's emotional growth gets stunted during that time. He has lots of growing to do but that's ok.

 

 

The resentment I'm feeling right now is a product of my own fear. It's true, I fear that I will have to sacrifice a lot because of how he fears it might affect his daughter. Yes, his reaction over the Big Buddy thing made me mad because I didn't see how that would affect her. If anything I hoped to rub that off on her and that one day she'd want to get involved in charity work too. I don't want to be the only one that sacrifices here. When it comes to things like... where we are going to eat or what movie to watch, he tells her that she doesn't get an opinion and that what I want trumps her. What I'm mainly referring to are big things like my wanting to do Big Buddy, or give extra attention/time to some of my students. That's a passion of mine and I think that when it comes to our passions, we should each have our turn in sacrificing a little to support each other's passions. He and I will have to sacrifice for her, they will have to sacrifice for me, and then at times she and I will have to sacrifice for him. I wonder if his control in this area has to do with the lack of love he experienced as a child. Maybe he's fiercely protective of that because he's scared of our family losing my love and affection.

 

 

I'm not trying to make excuses for him. I just want to add that info before people make their assessment. He got back yesterday and things are a lot more calm. His reaction could very well have been caused by the fact that we had been fighting a lot right before this happened and that already had him feeling insecure. My plan is to reinforce my desire for all of us to be a family and bond more with his daughter. From there I will be able to hopefully make a more clear decision. Thoughts?

[lacoqueta]

How many teachers he dated from that school for goodness!!

 

A serious question now, how long lasted his past relationship? Sounds like your boyfriend has a pattern and he always bails out before really committing.

 

 

Lol! I'm from a different school district so she and I have never met. He's a charmer! The relationship before me lasted about 4 months but the distance was too much for him. He was engaged to the ex with the son and they were together for about 2 years.