Author lacoqueta Posted July 30, 2014 Author Posted July 30, 2014 I don't think his request is unreasonable at all. We all have our dealbreakers and what we need from a relationship and people with children have different considerations to think about it. I'm not a mother but I can imagine that if I were one and was marrying a man I would want him to love my child. The idea that it's outrasgeous to expect people to love a non-biological child is ridiculous. Adoption...hello! Shoot, some people love animals and I'm sure the animal is in no way your blood relation Likewise friends and significant others whom you love are also unrelated yet you can love them....so how is loving your SO's child so much more difficult? If you don't feel love for the child that is completely fine and you're not a monster for it, but for someone to require this of a potential spouse is within their right and is in their child's best interest. I never said you can't love a child that isn't your own. I said I can only assume that I would love my bio child MORE. Yes, right now I don't have those love feelings yet but no where am I thinking that it will NEVER happen just because she's not mine.
nittygritty Posted July 30, 2014 Posted July 30, 2014 I will admit, I've never been the type of person that gravitates towards children. They make me nervous. Maybe it's the control freak inside of me, and children are unpredictable. I always bond more with children that are more on the quiet, shy side. I love providing them with attention that builds their confidence. And you're right, I believe he wants to make sure I put in the same effort with his daughter as I would with my own. I didn't tell him that I wouldn't do that. He assumed that! I will be patient and tolerant of his fear but I will not let him beat me over the head with this. And you are an elementary school teacher for "at risk" kids?
Author lacoqueta Posted July 30, 2014 Author Posted July 30, 2014 And you are an elementary school teacher for "at risk" kids? Absolutely! And "at risk" kids are children that desperately need and want my attention. That's what I love! I flourish with kids like that. You have any idea how huge the turn-over is at "at risk" schools?? And yet these teachers that leave supposedly "love children"??? No, you love "perfect, little, well behaved" children. She isn't needy with me. She doesn't beg for my attention. She's very confident and independent. When she wants to play a game, tell me a story, watch something with me, I give her my full attention. Where is there room for improvement on my end?? Me initiating it more often.
Tbisb74 Posted July 30, 2014 Posted July 30, 2014 And you are an elementary school teacher for "at risk" kids? It's not a bad or negative trait. It actually helps you remain more 'detached' and less emotional when the crud hits the fan. You can be dispassionate about things to the point of efficiency, without being cruel, heartless and inefficient... What, you think she had no training? No schooling? She didn't have to sit a course and gain a degree/diploma? You think she just tripped into the job by chance? You think she has no evaluations, assessments, Employee file...? Jeesh....
Author lacoqueta Posted July 30, 2014 Author Posted July 30, 2014 OP, I am wondering if whether or not you love his kid is the real issue. It seems like his conflict resolution strategies are quite bad. He escalated the situation by comparing you to other people and talking about cancelling the marriage instead of trying to understand your point of view. If he is going to threaten you with extremes and jump to conclusions whenever you two don't agree on something right away, is this really something that you want to deal with? No I don't want to deal with reactions like that! He openly admitted that he couldn't love someone else's child like his own. I wonder if what he truly felt for his ex's son, is what is leading him to be so insecure in my feelings for his daughter. 1
Gaeta Posted July 30, 2014 Posted July 30, 2014 I never said you can't love a child that isn't your own. I said I can only assume that I would love my bio child MORE. Yes, right now I don't have those love feelings yet but no where am I thinking that it will NEVER happen just because she's not mine. There isn't only one kind of love. I love my daughter I also love my nieces and nephews, is it the same kind of love? no, but it's a love that would have me lay down in the middle of a highway for them. Love is love, does it have to be compared in strength and in kind? no 1
Tbisb74 Posted July 30, 2014 Posted July 30, 2014 And you are an elementary school teacher for "at risk" kids? Besides, how many teachers do you know, at schools for mainstream kids, can say they actually hand on heart, 'love children'? I have 7 members of my family who teach. Different schools, different children different ages. They all love their job, Not one of them, hand on heart, does the job because they love the children. They do their jobs because they love to TEACH children. Very often referred to as 'Casting imitation pearls before real swine'. (Irwin Edman, an American professor of Philosophy.) 1
Tbisb74 Posted July 30, 2014 Posted July 30, 2014 There isn't only one kind of love. I love my daughter I also love my nieces and nephews, is it the same kind of love? no, but it's a love that would have me lay down in the middle of a highway for them. Love is love, does it have to be compared in strength and in kind? no That's actually a fair point.....
Author lacoqueta Posted July 30, 2014 Author Posted July 30, 2014 There isn't only one kind of love. I love my daughter I also love my nieces and nephews, is it the same kind of love? no, but it's a love that would have me lay down in the middle of a highway for them. Love is love, does it have to be compared in strength and in kind? no You're right! I agree with you 100%. It does not have to be compared. He asked me if I'd love her the same and even though all it took was one little lie and me say "yes", I refused to do that!! I shouldn't have answered like I was certain I'd love her more, I just assumed.
kaylan Posted July 30, 2014 Posted July 30, 2014 This thread gave me another reason to date child-less women. OP, youve gotten some good advice already. I wouldnt be all too thrilled about marrying a hypocrite whos seemingly trying to force to me love their kid when they werent able to do the same in the past for a partner's child.OP, I am wondering if whether or not you love his kid is the real issue. It seems like his conflict resolution strategies are quite bad. He escalated the situation by comparing you to other people and talking about cancelling the marriage instead of trying to understand your point of view. If he is going to threaten you with extremes and jump to conclusions whenever you two don't agree on something right away, is this really something that you want to deal with? This. 4
Author lacoqueta Posted July 30, 2014 Author Posted July 30, 2014 This thread gave me another reason to date child-less women. OP, youve gotten some good advice already. I wouldnt be all too thrilled about marrying a hypocrite whos seemingly trying to force to me love their kid when they werent able to do the same in the past for a partner's child. This. Yes!! This is the part that I can't get past!! If he knows what it's like to come in as a step parent and he admits he couldn't feel the same love for his step child as he does for his own child, how dare he expect the opposite of me??? Actually, he can expect whatever the heck he wants, how dare he look at me like I'm crazy?? 2
Grumpybutfun Posted July 30, 2014 Posted July 30, 2014 This sounds like a control issue. He is trying to "ultimatum" you into doing something he wants. This is not healthy and he is a hypocrite and a controller. Might want to reassess if this is what you want for a life's partner. Love can't be demanded anymore than respect can. It sounds like you were on the right track in developing feelings for his daughter and he wanted to control it. You might want to also think about other aspects of your relationship and see if he has controlling tendencies in them. Best, Grumps 5
nittygritty Posted July 30, 2014 Posted July 30, 2014 I'm sorry but I disagree here. EVERYONE is equally important in a relationship and everyone has a specific role. The step parent is supposed to make the step child the center of their universe??? And because they don't, they aren't cut out to be a step parent??? The step parent comes in as an individual too and they have their OWN set of wants and needs! When we met, he said he was looking for a partner in life, who will be good to his child. He didn't ask for another mother for her. That role has already been filled You clearly have a resentment here and I don't doubt one bit that it is legit! My heart seriously goes out to you because you clearly wanted more than what your step father was giving you, which sounds like nothing. Is this his fault though? Your mom chose him! He sounds like he made a lousy step father but he's a flawed human being. Every single person on this planet is a flawed human being. If he made it a point to neglect you and be cruel then he sucks!! I didn't get the attention I deserved as a child but I'm not going to play the victim here. I got the stuff beat out of me when I did something wrong but never got praise when I did something right. It wrecked my confidence!! I still struggle in that area of my life. I'm not going to only focus on the negative though. My parents loved me and they showed it the best way they knew how. I no longer hold any resentment towards them because they are totally different people now and they will do anything on this planet for me. I didn't come with a manual and will not fault them for not doing things perfectly. Clearly you are still struggling with your own issues that you experienced as a child. Perhaps it has effected how you feel or don't feel about children? You come across as being very closed off towards kids. Robots go through the motions without feeling emotions. Which is fine if you aren't a kid person but you chose to become an elementary school teacher and are engaged to a man that has a child that you are choosing not to love. Either end the relationship with him or go to therapy and get some help because this is your issue. Having kids of your own someday won't make the personal issues that you struggle with regarding kids go away.
Tbisb74 Posted July 30, 2014 Posted July 30, 2014 Clearly you are still struggling with your own issues that you experienced as a child. Perhaps it has effected how you feel or don't feel about children? You come across as being very closed off towards kids. Robots go through the motions without feeling emotions. Which is fine if you aren't a kid person but you chose to become an elementary school teacher and are engaged to a man that has a child that you are choosing not to love. Either end the relationship with him or go to therapy and get some help because this is your issue. Having kids of your own someday won't make the personal issues that you struggle with regarding kids go away. She may be struggling with some issues, but the affection towards this child isn't one of them. If you read her comments earlier in the thread, she and this child have a very good, positive relationship, they interact very well, and she bears a great deal of affection for this little girl; she just doesn't 'love' her like a birth-mother would love their own child. Which, it seems, is what her fiancé is expecting of her, all the while having explained that he could not love an ex's son as he loves his own children.... 3
littleplanet Posted July 30, 2014 Posted July 30, 2014 The future child is hypothetical. The child in question, is who is right here, right now. Love........................... Is what stays right inside a stubborn, free heart, until it is time for its arrival. It is not commanded, owned, possessed, coerced. My stepdaughter was 5, when first we met. (I met her after my son had already grown to manhood.) It took me three and a half years to finally know (and admit to myself) that love had arrived for the stepdaughter. As if....she was my own. She has a dad who loves her to bits. Initially, I backed off. The sensible thing to do, of course. But what was really at play? Respect. For her feelings. So what did I do instead? I became her friend. In all kinds of marvellous ways. Parental, disciplinary, caring, child-nurturing. We had a ball. She was a wonderful kid. Still is. The funny thing was.....finally working up the courage to admit the emotion. It was too cute. (I sat on that for about a year.) And her mom? She was fine with it......still is. She never put me on the spot. Just waited for what comes natural. And it does come natural. Through all the tears, griefs, tantrums, bruises, dramas, giggle-fits and no end of intimate family affairs. That's just a kid's life. And does she love me back? Ah.......that.......is the jewel in my crown. Love is of course, what it's all about. You're not broken when you don't feel it. It just hasn't arrived until it's ready to. And that big question: will it? Park that question in the garage. Go knock down a few bowling pins with that crystal ball that's supposed to read the future. Some things are always beyond the mind's control. It is hearts that decide. Affection gets too little respect, in this world. 4
Author lacoqueta Posted July 30, 2014 Author Posted July 30, 2014 Clearly you are still struggling with your own issues that you experienced as a child. Perhaps it has effected how you feel or don't feel about children? You come across as being very closed off towards kids. Robots go through the motions without feeling emotions. Which is fine if you aren't a kid person but you chose to become an elementary school teacher and are engaged to a man that has a child that you are choosing not to love. Either end the relationship with him or go to therapy and get some help because this is your issue. Having kids of your own someday won't make the personal issues that you struggle with regarding kids go away. That's just it, this isn't my issue. This is his issue. I've never said I feel NO emotions for his daughter. Of course I feel emotions for her and of course I feel emotions for my students. Lol, that's not a "struggle" in my life. How in the world did you come up with that? I have a student in particular that my fiancé had issues with the amount of attention I was giving to them. It somehow made my fiancé feel threatened. If anything, I care "too much". My school is a feeder school to his and he has zero sympathy or compassion for these "at risk" students. Yet he's worried about the amount of love I'm capable of giving?? HIS ISSUE! If the attention, care, and support isn't good enough for him, he has every right to leave!
Author lacoqueta Posted July 30, 2014 Author Posted July 30, 2014 The future child is hypothetical. The child in question, is who is right here, right now. Love........................... Is what stays right inside a stubborn, free heart, until it is time for its arrival. It is not commanded, owned, possessed, coerced. My stepdaughter was 5, when first we met. (I met her after my son had already grown to manhood.) It took me three and a half years to finally know (and admit to myself) that love had arrived for the stepdaughter. As if....she was my own. She has a dad who loves her to bits. Initially, I backed off. The sensible thing to do, of course. But what was really at play? Respect. For her feelings. So what did I do instead? I became her friend. In all kinds of marvellous ways. Parental, disciplinary, caring, child-nurturing. We had a ball. She was a wonderful kid. Still is. The funny thing was.....finally working up the courage to admit the emotion. It was too cute. (I sat on that for about a year.) And her mom? She was fine with it......still is. She never put me on the spot. Just waited for what comes natural. And it does come natural. Through all the tears, griefs, tantrums, bruises, dramas, giggle-fits and no end of intimate family affairs. That's just a kid's life. And does she love me back? Ah.......that.......is the jewel in my crown. Love is of course, what it's all about. You're not broken when you don't feel it. It just hasn't arrived until it's ready to. And that big question: will it? Park that question in the garage. Go knock down a few bowling pins with that crystal ball that's supposed to read the future. Some things are always beyond the mind's control. It is hearts that decide. Affection gets too little respect, in this world. This was beautiful, positive, and very helpful! Thank you!!
nittygritty Posted July 30, 2014 Posted July 30, 2014 This sounds like a control issue. He is trying to "ultimatum" you into doing something he wants. This is not healthy and he is a hypocrite and a controller. Might want to reassess if this is what you want for a life's partner. Love can't be demanded anymore than respect can. It sounds like you were on the right track in developing feelings for his daughter and he wanted to control it. You might want to also think about other aspects of your relationship and see if he has controlling tendencies in them. Best, Grumps I agree that it is a control issue but it sounds like she is the one with control issues. Love is a choice. For whatever reason, she is choosing not to love.
Tbisb74 Posted July 30, 2014 Posted July 30, 2014 I agree that it is a control issue but it sounds like she is the one with control issues. Love is a choice. For whatever reason, she is choosing not to love. Ah, that word... Love. Would you mind defining it for us, precisely please? But PRECISELY.
Eivuwan Posted July 30, 2014 Posted July 30, 2014 I agree that it is a control issue but it sounds like she is the one with control issues. Love is a choice. For whatever reason, she is choosing not to love. I don't think there's a universal agreement about love being a choice. Actions of love is a choice. You can't demand someone to feel a certain way and demanding it usually has the opposite effect. Also while it could be the case that the op is carrying something from her childhood (don't we all), it doesn't seem to impact her ability to care for others.
nittygritty Posted July 30, 2014 Posted July 30, 2014 That's just it, this isn't my issue. This is his issue. I've never said I feel NO emotions for his daughter. Of course I feel emotions for her and of course I feel emotions for my students. Lol, that's not a "struggle" in my life. How in the world did you come up with that? I have a student in particular that my fiancé had issues with the amount of attention I was giving to them. It somehow made my fiancé feel threatened. If anything, I care "too much". My school is a feeder school to his and he has zero sympathy or compassion for these "at risk" students. Yet he's worried about the amount of love I'm capable of giving?? HIS ISSUE! If the attention, care, and support isn't good enough for him, he has every right to leave! Maybe you need to figure out what "love" is or feels like to you? Maybe you feel it but don't consider it to be "love" based on your understanding of what love is? Do you "love" your fiancé? Even when you are mad at him and can't stand him?
Author lacoqueta Posted July 30, 2014 Author Posted July 30, 2014 I don't think there's a universal agreement about love being a choice. Actions of love is a choice. You can't demand someone to feel a certain way and demanding it usually has the opposite effect. Also while it could be the case that the op is carrying something from her childhood (don't we all), it doesn't seem to impact her ability to care for others. Right! I feel like it's my childhood issues that lead me to the career of teaching. I did not go into it because I wanted to EDUCATE young minds. It's cool I get to do that but more than anything, I get to be that emotional support for these children that get nothing. They get looked at like little animals and that breaks my heart. Many teachers cringe at the thought of teaching at my school. Had it not been for my childhood issues, I wouldn't have been able to feel that compassion for them. I love this about me. 1
Author lacoqueta Posted July 30, 2014 Author Posted July 30, 2014 Maybe you need to figure out what "love" is or feels like to you? Maybe you feel it but don't consider it to be "love" based on your understanding of what love is? Do you "love" your fiancé? Even when you are mad at him and can't stand him? This could very well be the problem! Maybe I'm not clear on what "love" is. When I called my future sister in law (she's marrying my brother and is bringing in 2 daughters), she cracked up laughing and said "you so love that girl, it's in your actions". 4
RonaldS Posted July 30, 2014 Posted July 30, 2014 Hmmmm....this is always sort of a tricky dynamic. As a child who grew up with a couple of different step-fathers who loved my mom but probably didn't really love me, I understand the situation from the child's perspective. And as a divorced father, I understand the issue from the parent perspective, too. My opinion on these matters is this: if you are going to form a serious, committed relationship with a person who has kids, you better be willing to commit to the kid just as much as you're committing to the person you're in the relationship with. Package deal. To already establish a line of love demarcation between the two is only going to establish resentment all around. You'll resent the kid for being somebody you have to compete for attention with, he'll resent you for not loving his kid enough, and the child will sense the relative lack of love from you and probably resent that. Not guaranteeing that...but I think that's the common outcome in these situations. Again, this is a package deal. I would never pursue a relationship with a woman who had a kid if I didn't feel like I could love that child as if he or she were my own. And I would never pursue a relationship with a woman who couldn't or wouldn't love my children as if they were her own. If you're in a relationship with me, you're not in a relationship with 'me'....you're in a relationship with 'us'. Sh*t, or get off the pot. 1
Tbisb74 Posted July 30, 2014 Posted July 30, 2014 Maybe you need to figure out what "love" is or feels like to you? Maybe you feel it but don't consider it to be "love" based on your understanding of what love is? Do you "love" your fiancé? Even when you are mad at him and can't stand him? Well, isn't that why I asked YOU what YOUR definition of Love is? Because in your last post, you claim she is choosing to not love.....
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