Wants me to love his daughter

[Eivuwan]

This might come as a shock to some of the posters on here but my fiancé and I are both teachers. He's high school and I'm elementary. I work at an "At Risk" school and it's where I want to be. I consider myself to be a very compassionate person who hurts when I see others hurting. What I see on a daily basis with the students at this school is heartbreaking. Most are from single parent homes and many aren't even loved by their own bio parent, even less by the step parent. It's rewarding to be able to help these children who have no support system. I'm supposed to feel sorry for her though?? Like some injustice has occurred? She has both her mom and dad who shower her will love and attention. She has a stepmother who is very proud of her, who is not mean to her, who does not neglect her. She has every bit of support you can think of in her life. I do not see a victim here. I see a bright, confident, independent, sweet, affectionate, happy child here.

 

I agree with you. I think you are already doing a great job and children are much more resilient than some people on this thread are making out the situation to be. As long as you treat them fairly, they should grow up just fine. People are acting like one mistake by a parent would damage the kids for life or something.

[Keenly]

I agree with you. I think you are already doing a great job and children are much more resilient than some people on this thread are making out the situation to be. As long as you treat them fairly, they should grow up just fine. People are acting like one mistake by a parent would damage the kids for life or something.

 

Because it can.

[Tbisb74]

Yes, but it depends what that 'mistake' is, Keenly.... And frankly, how much people hold on to crap, and how long for..... as is evident by the sheer number of 'my heart is broken!' threads on here.....

[Eivuwan]

Because it can.

 

Keenly the op's situation sounds very different from your situation.

[lacoqueta]

Too many people focused on the wrong things.

 

In this relationship, the little girl is THE most important. If you can't see or understand that, then you aren't cut out to be a step parent.

 

 

 

I'm sorry but I disagree here. EVERYONE is equally important in a relationship and everyone has a specific role. The step parent is supposed to make the step child the center of their universe??? And because they don't, they aren't cut out to be a step parent??? The step parent comes in as an individual too and they have their OWN set of wants and needs! When we met, he said he was looking for a partner in life, who will be good to his child. He didn't ask for another mother for her. That role has already been filled

 

 

You clearly have a resentment here and I don't doubt one bit that it is legit! My heart seriously goes out to you because you clearly wanted more than what your step father was giving you, which sounds like nothing. Is this his fault though? Your mom chose him! He sounds like he made a lousy step father but he's a flawed human being. Every single person on this planet is a flawed human being. If he made it a point to neglect you and be cruel then he sucks!! I didn't get the attention I deserved as a child but I'm not going to play the victim here. I got the stuff beat out of me when I did something wrong but never got praise when I did something right. It wrecked my confidence!! I still struggle in that area of my life. I'm not going to only focus on the negative though. My parents loved me and they showed it the best way they knew how. I no longer hold any resentment towards them because they are totally different people now and they will do anything on this planet for me. I didn't come with a manual and will not fault them for not doing things perfectly.

[Gaeta]

Yeah, my mom is in the picture and I spend most of my time with her anyway. I never cared about how my dad's wife treated me

 

That's because like you said you spent most of your time with your mother.

 

OP fiancé has 50% custody of his daughter. That little girl will spend half of her life with her step mom.

[Keenly]

I still fail to see what the problem is in the entire situation. Dude wants a close knit family, you want to remain emotionally distant.

 

You are both entitled to feel the way you feel, but this is not a situation in which there is room for compromise. Either he changes his mind, or you change your mind, or you break up. Those are the options here.

[lacoqueta]

Trust me, I want us to be one big happy family. I also always assumed that if we have our own child, this would actually make me bond with his daughter even more because I will have "tapped into" those maternal feelings and this would naturally bring us closer. His loving his daughter was one of my main attractions to him. He's a wonderful dad.

 

 

 

 

"I still fail to see what the problem is in the entire situation. Dude wants a close knit family, you want to remain emotionally distant."

 

 

Your comment contrasts 100% with what I've said. You refuse to even try to understand my side because of your own resentment/issues.

[Tbisb74]

I still fail to see what the problem is in the entire situation. Dude wants a close knit family, you want to remain emotionally distant.

Wrong. Talk about trying to be deliberately provocative...

 

You are both entitled to feel the way you feel, but this is not a situation in which there is room for compromise. Either he changes his mind, or you change your mind, or you break up. Those are the options here.

Wrong again.... YOU may believe there are no grey areas, but I would suggest reading this thread, that there is plenty of room for manoeuvre

[Keenly]

"I still fail to see what the problem is in the entire situation. Dude wants a close knit family, you want to remain emotionally distant."

 

 

Your comment contrasts 100% with what I've said. You refuse to even try to understand my side because of your own resentment/issues.

 

 

You are saying two things at once, and I'm going off of what you are saying. First you said that you wouldn't, then you said that you would.

 

All I said was he wants what he wants, you want what you want, and then it becomes a simple matter of incompatibility. You both just want different things / feel differently about the issue, and again, there is nothing wrong with that. People are granted the ability to decide for themselves what they want in life, that is what is so awesome about living in civilized nations.

 

Your two choices do not match eachother, as can happen with pretty much anything. You can't demand that he change his mind, and he can't demand that you change yours, so where does that leave you two?

[ja123]

I actually agree with Keenly.

 

 

How is he trying to be provocative?

 

 

I still fail to see what the problem is in the entire situation. Dude wants a close knit family, you want to remain emotionally distant.

 

You are both entitled to feel the way you feel, but this is not a situation in which there is room for compromise. Either he changes his mind, or you change your mind, or you break up. Those are the options here.

[Leigh 87]

Not everyone is cut out to be a step parent, and that's okay. It just means that you can not marry this man. Sorry. It's just how it is.

 

 

 

 

What he is asking for is NOT unreasonable, its expected. As a stepchild of a douchebag who married my mother but didn't give two ****s about me, I say you don't get to marry a man and only go in halfway. Those two are family, and if you are incapable of loving one, you can't go halfsies.

 

 

 

 

No way I would love a child that wasn't mine.

 

Biological love wouldn't compare to loving a child that isn't your own flesh and blood.

 

But I would still go above and beyond to treat a partners child as well as I would treat my own.

 

Why isn't that good enough? I would drive them to school/pick them up from school, and literally perform all the duties I would for my own child.

 

I would DO everything for a partners child, in the same way I would my own.

 

I wouldn't, however, EVER love another persons child. I don't particularly like children I have discovered but I don't hate them either.

[Keenly]

I wouldn't, however, EVER love another persons child.

 

And this is why you should not ever be a step parent.

 

I'm sorry that this is so difficult for some people to understand, it's actually pretty cut and dry. When you marry some one with a kid, you are marrying into a family. You don't to get just marry the man/woman and then choose to leave the kid out of the situation.

 

 

 

 

If you are incapable of loving some one else's child, its probably a good idea not to date anyone with kids.

[mammasita]

I've never admitted this, but I did not like my exes daughter. I tried, but she got on my nerves and I would have been so unhappy being her stepmom. Sure, I would have treated her as I should and been kind and loving, but inside I would have been miserable.

 

Thank my lucky stars my ex dumped me.

 

My current BF's daughter is awesome. I pretty much love her to pieces already. She spends weekends at my house with her dad when he comes over. We've already made my spare bedroom her weekend room. We're painting one of the walls purple and putting up princess posters. She helps me cook, I paint her nails.

 

Adults can bond differently with kids just like we can with other adults. Its a fact.

 

It was definitely unfair of OP's fiancé to ask if she loved his daughter. That's just a weird question to ask anyone. The fact is though that he's asked and he knows the truth. Now can he live with it.

[Eivuwan]

Well op keenly does have a point that this could be an unresolvable issue. Are you sure you completely understand your fiances pov? How long are you going to wait to be married?

[Eivuwan]

That's because like you said you spent most of your time with your mother.

 

OP fiancé has 50% custody of his daughter. That little girl will spend half of her life with her step mom.

 

Yes but I do think that the Op is doing a great job already so her fiancé's concerns seem extreme.

[Glinda.Good]

I really think that a person who is marrying a parent needs to be able to love a stepchild, or they are not cut out to be marrying a parent.

 

I don't understand people who say they could only love a biological child. Thank goodness this is not universal or there would be no such things as adoptions or loving families that include stepchildren.

 

Though I can't understand it, it's certainly a real thing.

 

I just hope that you can step away from this engagement. I think that a marriage between you can't work, and that your detachment from a child who would be spending half her life with you would be VERY harmful to her, especially if you end up having biological children that you WOULD love.

 

Imagine.

 

[lacoqueta]

Again, there is no guarantee that you'll ever love your step-daughter AS MUCH as your biological child. None. Experts will tell you that it is common for step-parents to have "more" or at least "different" kind of love for their biological children. OP, your LOVE need not be the same, but your care for the girl should be unconditional.

 

I went back and read your post more carefully and realize that you have already come to the conclusion that you WILL NOT love the girl as much as a biological child. Again, don't feel guilty about the possibility that you may not ever love your step-child the SAME way or as much, but rather, you should really reassess your predetermined attitude towards her and the future relationship you two will have. You've already painted a relationship that will never reach its potential. Given time, given a chance many parents do learn to love their step-children. Give it a chance. Open your heart TO THE POSSIBILITY of much more..... or end the engagement.

 

I'm marrying a woman who has adopted two children. I have two biological of my own. I will be adopting her children as my own and she mine. I will fiercely make them my own...my love may be "different", but I am open and willing to allow their presence, impact add to my already rich life. My goal is to develop a relationship with them that is full of love, respect....How can I do any less?

 

Well op keenly does have a point that this could be an unresolvable issue. Are you sure you completely understand your fiances pov? How long are you going to wait to be married?

 

 

I'm not exactly sure but I like Soccerr's suggestions. All I know is what I know right now. I've always assumed my feelings for her will only get stronger but will they be 100% like what I feel for my bio child? I can't tell the future, I just assumed "no". I'm very open that my attitude will change though. I told him I didn't have the "love" feelings for her RIGHT NOW because right now is all I have to go by. I'm very protective of her. She wears an eye patch and if some kid makes fun of her, don't think I don't want to punch that kid in the face. Sometimes it involves her own dad, if he's got his laptop out on the table (or playing on his phone) while she's sitting there eating with him, I make sure and "rip him a new one".

 

 

Right now my goal is to let the tension die down a little and focus on bonding more with her. I'm hoping this can be reassessed in a few months. If this eases his fear then great, if he keeps giving me hell then I will leave. I refuse to live under a microscope.

[Gaeta]

I am with Keenly maybe because I am a mother and that part of my heart is wide open and I love children no matter from whom they are.

 

OP, have you bonded with children before? With a niece of nephew, with the child of a friend? Or these feelings are totally foreign to you?

 

In my book children do come first and yes mistakes we make as parent or step parent, or as care giver, will shape or break a child.

 

A few friends of my adult daughter consider me like their second mom. One said I made such an impact on her life she became a French teacher because of me. Some confined they bonded with me better than with their own mother. I had that impact on them ONLY by being the mom of their friend. Imagine the impact you can have on a child as a step parent.

 

I don't think your fiancé wants you to feel love for her the way you'd feel it for your own child but he wants you to feel the closest love possible.

[MissBee]

I don't think his request is unreasonable at all.

 

We all have our dealbreakers and what we need from a relationship and people with children have different considerations to think about it.

 

I'm not a mother but I can imagine that if I were one and was marrying a man I would want him to love my child. The idea that it's outrasgeous to expect people to love a non-biological child is ridiculous. Adoption...hello! Shoot, some people love animals and I'm sure the animal is in no way your blood relation Likewise friends and significant others whom you love are also unrelated yet you can love them....so how is loving your SO's child so much more difficult?

 

If you don't feel love for the child that is completely fine and you're not a monster for it, but for someone to require this of a potential spouse is within their right and is in their child's best interest.

[Eivuwan]

 

Right now my goal is to let the tension die down a little and focus on bonding more with her. I'm hoping this can be reassessed in a few months. If this eases his fear then great, if he keeps giving me hell then I will leave. I refuse to live under a microscope.

 

Maybe you should let him know that it is probably going to be even harder to bond with her if it becomes a demand that you love her and not something that just happens naturally. I agree that living under a microscope is not the way to go.

 

I don't think this applies to your situation, but I just want to point out that just like he cannot demand that you love her, you also cannot expect her to love you. My dad tried to artificially make me and his wife bond by telling me that she also supported me financially and that I can go to her with my issues, but it just doesn't work like that. I was actually kind of annoyed that he did that because you can't buy love.

[Eivuwan]

I don't think his request is unreasonable at all.

 

We all have our dealbreakers and what we need from a relationship and people with children have different considerations to think about it.

 

I'm not a mother but I can imagine that if I were one and was marrying a man I would want him to love my child. The idea that it's outrasgeous to expect people to love a non-biological child is ridiculous. Adoption...hello! Shoot, some people love animals and I'm sure the animal is in no way your blood relation Likewise friends and significant others whom you love are also unrelated yet you can love them....so how is loving your SO's child so much more difficult?

 

If you don't feel love for the child that is completely fine and you're not a monster for it, but for someone to require this of a potential spouse is within their right and is in their child's best interest.

 

I honestly think it's more the way he made it into a demand and jumped to the conclusion of canceling the marriage when it seems like the OP would likely end up being a great step-mom. The OP is already doing loving things for his kid. That's better than some empty words.

[Smilecharmer]

Relationships have to grow organically as well as love. I am a mother and I know I don't individually just love someone, even a child, overnight. It takes time and investment which you seem to be able to give. What you feel today may grow in time and you will love her in a different way than a mother and that is ok. She already has a mother so being the cool stepmom who is on her side is a bonus. What isn't ok is his demands and ultimatums. I'm not sure his expectations are realistic given that he is demanding something you could roe tend to,give just to placate him, which is what most people would have done. Your honesty shows you have true integrity as you didn't lie to move on with the wedding. These things take time, and proximity and may come more naturally after you are a blended family. Yet, his conditions and demands leave me feeling,like he may be controlling.

[lacoqueta]

I am with Keenly maybe because I am a mother and that part of my heart is wide open and I love children no matter from whom they are.

 

OP, have you bonded with children before? With a niece of nephew, with the child of a friend? Or these feelings are totally foreign to you?

 

In my book children do come first and yes mistakes we make as parent or step parent, or as care giver, will shape or break a child.

 

A few friends of my adult daughter consider me like their second mom. One said I made such an impact on her life she became a French teacher because of me. Some confined they bonded with me better than with their own mother. I had that impact on them ONLY by being the mom of their friend. Imagine the impact you can have on a child as a step parent.

 

I don't think your fiancé wants you to feel love for her the way you'd feel it for your own child but he wants you to feel the closest love possible.

 

 

I will admit, I've never been the type of person that gravitates towards children. They make me nervous. Maybe it's the control freak inside of me, and children are unpredictable. I always bond more with children that are more on the quiet, shy side. I love providing them with attention that builds their confidence. And you're right, I believe he wants to make sure I put in the same effort with his daughter as I would with my own. I didn't tell him that I wouldn't do that. He assumed that! I will be patient and tolerant of his fear but I will not let him beat me over the head with this.

[Eivuwan]

OP, I am wondering if whether or not you love his kid is the real issue. It seems like his conflict resolution strategies are quite bad. He escalated the situation by comparing you to other people and talking about cancelling the marriage instead of trying to understand your point of view. If he is going to threaten you with extremes and jump to conclusions whenever you two don't agree on something right away, is this really something that you want to deal with?