USMCHokie Posted July 30, 2014 Posted July 30, 2014 We cannot treat an 8 year old as a friend or an acquaintance. Every single adult in a little child's life is influencing (or hurting) the child's emotional development. Just look at the members on here that had to deal with a step parent that did not love or care for them. I will concede that my situation is considerably different in that my SO's daughter is 20 and goes to school 1000 miles away. But can you not also care for the child as a friend? If the other biological parent is still in the picture, is it really in the child's best interest to have a third "parent" trying to raise this kid? Is it really the step parent's role to contribute to the parenting effort? What if my parenting style was in conflict to the biological parents' style? Does it really help to butt in? So I still maintain that I would treat the kid, no matter the age, as a friend as long as the biological father was still involved in its life.
Author lacoqueta Posted July 30, 2014 Author Posted July 30, 2014 We cannot treat an 8 year old as a friend or an acquaintance. Every single adult in a little child's life is influencing (or hurting) the child's emotional development. Just look at the members on here that had to deal with a step parent that did not love or care for them. I agree, an 8 year old is completely different. I want only to be a positive influence to her and I want her to be successful in life. It's sad to hear stories like the OP who had the stepfather that didn't care about him. I never said I didn't care about her though. I would never intentionally hurt her because A) she's a child and B) it's his daughter and how heartbreaking for him if I were to be mean to her. Up until the other night when I said I didn't have "love" feelings for her, he has only praised me for the job I'm doing as her future stepmother. He's never said I've done a bad job. He's never said I should be doing more. Something about my saying I didn't have "love" feelings caused him to fear his daughter feeling neglected in the future. This is something that he has no clue as to whether or not that is going to happen. I've always been happy with my relationship with her. I have zero complaints about my possibly future stepdaughter. He is the one that wants to put the wedding on hold until I "love" her. He is the one with the fear and has every right to leave if it's a deal breaker for him. If he chooses to move on, how does the next girl saying "I love her" prove anything? I'm hoping that he will focus on my actions RIGHT NOW and let that be an indicator. I love him to pieces but I can't be forced to feel something. My plans at the moment are to be patient with his feelings and to continue as I've been doing. I will make an effort to do more bonding with her and see how that goes.
preraph Posted July 30, 2014 Posted July 30, 2014 He's unrealistic. You have no way of predicting that. You might end up deeply loving his daughter, but even people with their own kids have favorites. Are you positive this isn't a roundabout way of trying to get you to do more childcare?? A lot of divorced guys, sadly, hook right up with someone just so they can deal with joint custody without actually having to alter their lives that much. Whatever, you did the right thing being honest. Maybe he just isn't the guy. Honestly, the child's mother would probably scoff at his suggestion that you loved her child as much as your own....you might bring that up. 3
Author lacoqueta Posted July 30, 2014 Author Posted July 30, 2014 Especially after 1.5 years you admit you don't go see her in her little school play for her but only to accompany him" This made me cry. My online for now bf has a daughter. She is 5. I told him if after we have met, if we get married, although I'm CF and I don't want bio kids, I want to love his daughter like my own. She's very pretty. I saw her photos. that means her little school play and anything else I'd be able to go to not to accompany him, but because I really will love her. I do love kids who are past the baby toddler stage and up. Your bf is afraid you will make his daughter a "behind the coucher" you are showing it now and you haven't even had a one of our own yet. I don't think he's unreasonable. This can cause problems years down the road. The daughter could come to hate her siblings. She could come to hate you....or even her father when she grows up for this. You don't want that, do you? As far as the school play comment, if you go back and read my other posts, I made a clarification on that. I do have interests with her, but I'm not at that point where I want to do everything single thing she invites me to. Or maybe I should say I'm not at that point where every opportunity that comes up to bond with her is obvious to me. I've never said I have any intentions of treating my bio child better. HE FEARS that will be the case based off what I said. My actions have never lead him to fear that before.
soccerrprp Posted July 30, 2014 Posted July 30, 2014 From my own personal situation and experience, I will never consider my SO's daughter as my (step)-child in any capacity whatsoever, since her father is still very much in the picture. And I think it's a safe generalization (for me, that is), that if the biological father is still in the child's life, then I will not attempt to fulfill a fatherly role. This is total BS of an attitude, but you have your right to it. You resent the role you have now and that has not the fault of the daughter. But, it is also absolutely preposterous to suggest that anyone WILL or SHOULD "LOVE" children that are not of their own by any time table or ever. One does not FORCE him/herself to love another human being. As any love that is not biological, it can take years or never. I feeling is that the immediate role of the step-parent should be to be fair, respectful (reasonably) and provide the protection, expectations that they would of their own. LOVE??? Ideally, yes, but realistically, it may never happen or may not be as strong as a love for one's own. 2
USMCHokie Posted July 30, 2014 Posted July 30, 2014 This is total BS of an attitude, but you have your right to it. You resent the role you have now and that has not the fault of the daughter. Well, I'm very lucky that my particular situation allows for that attitude. Her daughter and I are on the same page as she has absolutely no desire to have me fulfill any kind of fatherly figure to her, or in her words, "I already have a daddy." So yes, my current experience has shown me that I could never date another woman who has a kid. And besides, I'm significantly closer in age to her than to her mother. That'd just be weird.
Eivuwan Posted July 30, 2014 Posted July 30, 2014 I can only speak of my own experience. My dad's second wife is almost like a stranger to me. I don't even call her stepmom because I don't consider her my mom. I just call her aunt. It has been like this since I was young. Sure, she cared for me sometimes and apparently helped me out with my college funds, but monetary help is almost meaningless to me. It's not the kind of stuff that makes you feel really touched. I don't know how I would feel about her loving me. It doesn't seem to be a big deal either way and I don't really want to be closer to her because our personalities don't mesh. I do think it's unreasonable for him to expect you to love her. You seem to be doing a lot already. Isn't it the actions that count? 2
Blade96 Posted July 30, 2014 Posted July 30, 2014 he just wants to make sure you won't turn her into a behind the coucher. So just show him that you won't be doing that. And of course tell him, but more important, show him. And his daughter. You might not be able to love her like a bio child, but you can show him and her she will not end up a behind the coucher. 1
Author lacoqueta Posted July 30, 2014 Author Posted July 30, 2014 I can only speak of my own experience. My dad's second wife is almost like a stranger to me. I don't even call her stepmom because I don't consider her my mom. I just call her aunt. It has been like this since I was young. Sure, she cared for me sometimes and apparently helped me out with my college funds, but monetary help is almost meaningless to me. It's not the kind of stuff that makes you feel really touched. I don't know how I would feel about her loving me. It doesn't seem to be a big deal either way and I don't really want to be closer to her because our personalities don't mesh. I do think it's unreasonable for him to expect you to love her. You seem to be doing a lot already. Isn't it the actions that count? Thank you for sharing your experience. Was your bio mom still in the picture as well? Her bio mom is great and for those suggesting I get her opinion on this, I would LOVE TO, I'm just not close enough to her to ask her what she thinks. We get along, I just don't think I could ask her something like that yet. They did have a messy divorce (at least 5 years ago). He even lost his daughter in the very beginning. I sometimes wonder if his expectations have something to do with his own guilt...
Keenly Posted July 30, 2014 Posted July 30, 2014 If you two do have a kid, and you do treat her better than his girl, the kids are going to notice. 2
soccerrprp Posted July 30, 2014 Posted July 30, 2014 If you two do have a kid, and you do treat her better than his girl, the kids are going to notice. Absolutely!
Eivuwan Posted July 30, 2014 Posted July 30, 2014 If you two do have a kid, and you do treat her better than his girl, the kids are going to notice. My dad's second wife treated my brother much better than me, but it was never a big deal to me because I never considered her to be a mom. If the kid already have two loving parents than why is it so important for the step-mom to treat everyone equally?
Eivuwan Posted July 30, 2014 Posted July 30, 2014 Thank you for sharing your experience. Was your bio mom still in the picture as well? Her bio mom is great and for those suggesting I get her opinion on this, I would LOVE TO, I'm just not close enough to her to ask her what she thinks. We get along, I just don't think I could ask her something like that yet. They did have a messy divorce (at least 5 years ago). He even lost his daughter in the very beginning. I sometimes wonder if his expectations have something to do with his own guilt... Yeah, my mom is in the picture and I spend most of my time with her anyway. I never cared about how my dad's wife treated me (as long as she's not mean of course). What I cared about is how my dad treats me and whether he treats me the same as my brother.
soccerrprp Posted July 30, 2014 Posted July 30, 2014 My dad's second wife treated my brother much better than me, but it was never a big deal to me because I never considered her to be a mom. If the kid already have two loving parents than why is it so important for the step-mom to treat everyone equally? There are some VERY IMPORTANT reasons why.
Eivuwan Posted July 30, 2014 Posted July 30, 2014 There are some VERY IMPORTANT reasons why. What are these reasons? I'm not saying it's ok for the step-mom to be unfair when there's conflict or give out punishments in a biased manner. However, if my brother received a present for his birthday and I don't get anything, it doesn't bother me. It seems like the OP already treats his daughter way better than the way my "step-mom" treated me and I turned out perfectly fine because I never expected her to love me even since I was a kid. Maybe it's a cultural thing and I'm Chinese, but I am confused as to why other kids would expect a step-mom to treat them and love them as much as their biological mom.
soccerrprp Posted July 30, 2014 Posted July 30, 2014 What are these reasons? I'm not saying it's ok for the step-mom to be unfair when there's conflict or give out punishments in a biased manner. However, if my brother received a present for his birthday and I don't get anything, it doesn't bother me. It seems like the OP already treats his daughter way better than the way my "step-mom" treated me and I turned out perfectly fine because I never expected her to love me even since I was a kid. Maybe it's a cultural thing and I'm Chinese, but I am confused as to why other kids would expect a step-mom to treat them and love them as much as their biological mom. ...and our definition may also play into our differences in opinion. When I think of "equally", I am not suggesting that every child should receive the same accolades, consideration under every circumstance, etc. I am thinking consistent fairness. That an arbitrary double standard is not applied to children based on favortism, etc. If there are rules that the kids are to adhere to, for example, all the children should have to abide by them. If child A gets a special day once a week, all should. If you treat children by differing standards, it creates resentment...hatred....bitterness....and some of that may be targeted at the children who are being shown more attention, more love.... 1
msmolecule Posted July 30, 2014 Posted July 30, 2014 Launch him. He's giving you an ultimatum AFTER the engagement and holding your relationship hostage until you agree to feel the way he thinks you should feel?? He's absolutely not worth it. 1
Eivuwan Posted July 30, 2014 Posted July 30, 2014 ...and our definition may also play into our differences in opinion. When I think of "equally", I am not suggesting that every child should receive the same accolades, consideration under every circumstance, etc. I am thinking consistent fairness. That an arbitrary double standard is not applied to children based on favortism, etc. If there are rules that the kids are to adhere to, for example, all the children should have to abide by them. If child A gets a special day once a week, all should. If you treat children by differing standards, it creates resentment...hatred....bitterness....and some of that may be targeted at the children who are being shown more attention, more love.... I agree with the double standards and fairness aspect. When I was talking about the presents thing in my post I meant that I don't care if she doesn't give me presents for my birthday.
soccerrprp Posted July 30, 2014 Posted July 30, 2014 (edited) Again, there is no guarantee that you'll ever love your step-daughter AS MUCH as your biological child. None. Experts will tell you that it is common for step-parents to have "more" or at least "different" kind of love for their biological children. OP, your LOVE need not be the same, but your care for the girl should be unconditional. I went back and read your post more carefully and realize that you have already come to the conclusion that you WILL NOT love the girl as much as a biological child. Again, don't feel guilty about the possibility that you may not ever love your step-child the SAME way or as much, but rather, you should really reassess your predetermined attitude towards her and the future relationship you two will have. You've already painted a relationship that will never reach its potential. Given time, given a chance many parents do learn to love their step-children. Give it a chance. Open your heart TO THE POSSIBILITY of much more..... or end the engagement. I'm marrying a woman who has adopted two children. I have two biological of my own. I will be adopting her children as my own and she mine. I will fiercely make them my own...my love may be "different", but I am open and willing to allow their presence, impact add to my already rich life. My goal is to develop a relationship with them that is full of love, respect....How can I do any less? Edited July 30, 2014 by soccerrprp 2
torturedartist Posted July 30, 2014 Posted July 30, 2014 Hello Everyone, I'm looking to see what others think about my situation and to hopefully help me better understand. I'm currently engaged to the man I've been dating for a year and a half. I bought a house in his town and we moved in together over the summer. I'm 32, no kids, never been married. He's 35, divorced, and has an 8 year old daughter. We got into a huge fight the other day over my feelings towards his daughter. I care about her, I don't feel love for her though. She is a wonderful little girl, sweet, intelligent, happy, no behavior issues. I feel lucky to have her as a stepdaughter. We split her with his ex wife 50/50 every week. They are both wonderful parents to her. They shower her with affection and attention. I do everything that is physically needed to fill in as "mommy" when she's with us. The problem is that the desire to want to be involved in everything she does is not there for me. I attend activities but it's not a voluntary thing, it's because I'm going with her Dad. I've never said I'm NOT going, I just don't do much that involves me coming up with ideas that involve me spending time with her. I just do what is presented to me. So her dad asked me if I loved his daughter and if I was going to treat her like my own. I answered by saying that I care about her but that those "love" feelings aren't there. He then asked, "if we have a child one day, are you going to love that child more?" I said that I have no idea what it's like to have a biological child but I would assume that "yes, I will love that child more". Then he asked if I would treat that child better and be more emotionally invested in my own child. I answered that I can't imagine how I wouldn't. I always figured that I would be conscious of doing my best to treat them the same but deep down, I just can't see myself feeling the same for both of them. That child is going to love me and always gravitate towards me because I'm the mother. She has a mother that she will always choose first and I'm perfectly fine with that. Everything went straight to hell after that. He told me that we can't get married if that's going to be the case. He said he doesn't want his daughter being raised in a house where the Stepmother is giving their child more emotional attention and affection. I was stunned! Maybe I don't understand but I can't see why he isn't happy with how things are between his daughter and I. He said that there will be no talk of marriage plans until I "love" his daughter. He then began to cite examples of people we know that love their step daughters. Each example was of certain men we know that entered a relationship where the woman has a daughter. I don't know if it's because I'm a woman but I know that in each case he cited, these Men are practically the ONLY father figure these girls have. Their real dads are either deadbeats or live so far away that they only see their kid once a year. I would really love some feedback because I feel so angry right now and find myself feeling resentment towards his daughter and this isn't her fault. Thanks for being so honest in your OP. I appreciate that. Let me respond by telling you that my all-around best friend is named Dustin. He was married once and had two girls with a woman name Melissa. Then, they got divorced. Melissa went on to have various kids by various men. Dustin married a woman named Bonnie, who I've always liked a hell of a lot more than I liked Melissa. Dustin and Bonnie went on to have a son together, which Dustin, and everybody in has family wanted. Just so you're following... Dustin had two girls with his original wife, then a son with his next wife. I consider Dustin to be a hell of a guy, and his first wife trash, based on her actions (which I won't get in to). A couple of weeks ago I visited Dustin. His two girls referred to Bonnie as "Bonnie" (they have a real mom back in Colorado). But they really respected her. And Bonnie wasn't pretending to be their mom, although she made them dinner and even helped them try on their grandma's wedding dress (a whole nother story). The point being that Bonnie, and Dustin's two daughter's weren't pretending to be kin. But they have a very realistic understanding that's not disguised by words. "Bonnie" is their step-mom, and "Bonnie" has a real kid of her own. In truth, Bonnie might show a little preference towards her own son. But she does her best to be there for Dustin's daughters, and is there for them more than their own Mom is, which doesn't take much (did I mention that Dustin's family started referring to 'Melissa' as 'Melizard'?) What makes all of this doable is the fact that everyone's honest. Dustin is honest--Bonnie isn't their real Mom, and he doesn't expect her to act like she is. Bonnie is very well aware of the fact the she didn't give birth to the two girls she take care of. The two girls know who their real mom is--it's not Bonnie. But, they all get along because of the fact that everyone's honest. It might not be ideal, but you'll never see them on Springer. In conclusion, regarding how this applies to you... My guess is that your potential new husband is oblivious to the way things work in mixed families due to the simple fact that he hasn't been there before. Meaning...you might have to bear with him until he figures it out. And if you stick with him, he may never figure it out because he doesn't have the contrast (i.e., a second ex-wife). He may always complain about the way things are in HIS mixed family, never knowing how good he has it. You may always have to listen to his complaining, wishing he could understand he good he has it. Meaning... his unrealistic expectations of you might not spell doom. Meaning... he doesn't sound like a total ****head to me, for whatever my opinion might be worth, and you should give him a chance but be ready to drop his ass soon as he proves himself to be incapable of acceptance of your very honest admissions. It's great that you're being honest in saying you may never love a child who's not your flesh and blood as though she/he's your flesh and blood. That's a very bold statement, and not a statement one is accustomed to hear. A decent and realistic guy should appreciate your saying it. One who's watched a lot of TV or who is generally naive might not appreciate it as much. So you're dating a naive guy who expects you to be June Cleaver in the year 2014... Or maybe I've had too many Scotch's and waters. At any rate, I feel that I've said enough, and I'm going to let you go now. Best of luck, you seem like a really decent person and I hope you're not dating a control freak who'll prevent you from really being yourself. All the best... 5
Mrin Posted July 30, 2014 Posted July 30, 2014 I really should read this whole thread but I am tired and won't. But that won't keep me from giving my two cents. 1. Your BF/Fiancee was 100% right in his fears. His daughter is or should be the most important thing in his life. He has a parental obligation to do what is right for her regardless of what he wants. He is concerned whether you will love her like your own and that is a 100% reasonable fear. 2. You BF/Fiancee was 100% wrong to put your on the spot like that. Like Gaeta said... honey, you have a whole part of your heart that you don't realize exists. I don't mean to come off as pandering but you're not a parent yet. You simply do know what parental love is. It is entire unfair to expect you to. In reading your original post, I have to say kudos for you for telling the truth. I've been in your shoes, and i've been in your BF/Fiancee's shoes. You simply lack the context in which to give any more truthful answer than what you did. As a father, I don't know why he would ask this question other than either a) panic or b) he's picking up some vibes from you about how you feel about his daughter c) he's a silly man who asks questions that shouldn't be asked. 3. All that being said, I don't know how you put the toothpaste back in the tube. I hate to sound like a shill for the counseling industry but probably your best bet is to both go see a counselor together to help you navigate this issue. In the end, he needs to feel confident he's not making a mistake by marrying you. But on the other hand, you cannot truthfully provide the assurances he's seeking. You simply are not in that mindset. In the end, this comes down to a leap of faith right? Having an objective third party who has dealt with this sort of thing countless times would really help ground you both. Best of luck! 2
Tbisb74 Posted July 30, 2014 Posted July 30, 2014 .... 3. All that being said, I don't know how you put the toothpaste back in the tube. ..... You cut the wide end opposite the cap, and put it back in that way. Use waterproof duct tape to reseal. The amount of toothpaste I have salvaged from tubes one would have discarded as empty! At least four or 5 more 'brushings'! When money is tight, every little helps. But I'm guessing you don't mean literally... However, this is I am sure, salvageable. It may need a different approach, (hence my stupid 'toothpaste' response - there is ALWAYS another way....) but there should be different ways to make him 'see reason'. What he said was hasty, inconsiderate and thoughtless, although I'm sure his primary concern will always be his daughter. I think the counselling route is a sensible one, if he is in agreement, and should you succeed in finding yourself before a counsellor, put it to him, tactfully, that you do not understand how he can so unequivocally expect you to automatically 'Love' his daughter, after his admission, regarding an ex's son....
Diezel Posted July 30, 2014 Posted July 30, 2014 I completely have to echo Mrin's sentiments from earlier in the thread. That's exactly how I felt reading this. There is right and wrong to both sides in this on his behalf. It was wrong to bring it up in such a manner, but you also need to understand why this could be a concern for him. It's a legit concern. And as a previous poster stated, that favoritism could clearly be noticed. Now, I had a stepmom who passed away in 2012. As far as I am concerned she was my Mother 2.0. My biological mom is still very much in the picture and we talk all the time. I feel blessed because both have/were very active in my life and I was treated just as well as my stepmom's kids. When I was younger, I thought there would be that hint of favoritism. There was none. Now, I didn't "expect" her to treat us the same, but the amount of support she showed me for years was immense and paramount to my overall growth as a human being. I'm not saying to the OP that she won't be the same, but to be put into that position of answering such a concern is also pretty harsh. The whole situation was a no-win situation no matter what. If this is the case, a marriage with this man might not be the best idea. He is now ALWAYS going to remember this conversation and be comparing one kid from the other, if such a case were to happen. This is groundwork for bitterness and resentment down the line. 2
Keenly Posted July 30, 2014 Posted July 30, 2014 Too many people focused on the wrong things. In this relationship, the little girl is THE most important. If you can't see or understand that, then you aren't cut out to be a step parent.
Author lacoqueta Posted July 30, 2014 Author Posted July 30, 2014 Thank you all for your posts! I really appreciate all sides of the argument and I wish I could address each comment but that will take me another 10 pages. I will comment on a few things I remember reading in the posts and add a little bit more detail about why I'm feeling frustrated/angry. Yeah, my mom is in the picture and I spend most of my time with her anyway. I never cared about how my dad's wife treated me (as long as she's not mean of course). What I cared about is how my dad treats me and whether he treats me the same as my brother. The above post stood out to me. A lot of people have commented on my future treatment of his daughter and SHOWING favoritism. There is what I "show" and what I "feel" inside of my heart and soul. I have every intention of holding my bio child to the same standards I have set for his daughter. The praise will be equal, the punishment/consequences will be equal, there will not be more money spent on my bio child versus the stepdaughter, the amount of thought I put in making her feel special will be no different.....but let's not forget the giant age difference that there will be between them. If we have a child, assuming we continue as planned, there will be a 10 year gap between the two. I would think that the attention, nurturing, affection, etc. will be different whether they are both my bio children or not. She will be 10 years old by then. You can't compare the amount of attention she will get to the amount a baby receives. Like the poster above, she gravitates towards her bio mom and I have zero jealousy over this. I'm not ever mean to his daughter and she has embraced me from day one. I've also assumed that if she ever held any resentment towards anyone is would be if her Dad treated her differently. Believe me when I say it is his right as a father to feel fear concerning his daughter. I'm not disregarding that. What really bothers me about this situation is the way she's being portrayed as a victim by her dad and others. I might be wrong about that and apologize in advanced if that offended anyone. This might come as a shock to some of the posters on here but my fiancé and I are both teachers. He's high school and I'm elementary. I work at an "At Risk" school and it's where I want to be. I consider myself to be a very compassionate person who hurts when I see others hurting. What I see on a daily basis with the students at this school is heartbreaking. Most are from single parent homes and many aren't even loved by their own bio parent, even less by the step parent. It's rewarding to be able to help these children who have no support system. I'm supposed to feel sorry for her though?? Like some injustice has occurred? She has both her mom and dad who shower her will love and attention. She has a stepmother who is very proud of her, who is not mean to her, who does not neglect her. She has every bit of support you can think of in her life. I do not see a victim here. I see a bright, confident, independent, sweet, affectionate, happy child here. My career revolves around treating children equally. Do I feel the same for each one of them? Heck no! Do they know this? Heck no! They will ALL leave my room thinking their drawing is the best one I've ever seen. My heart gravitates towards those that "need" me. She doesn't need me, she doesn't love me the way she loves her mom, and that's ok. If I don't feel the exact same love for her as I assume I will for my future bio child, in my eyes, that's ok. I'm not going to make that obvious to her. Like some people said on here, I'm just going by what I think RIGHT NOW. I don't know what that love feels like, but I would think it would only make my feelings for her even stronger. 4
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