I'm tracking my husband's work email. Am I right to be suspicious of this one girl?

[2sunny]

Is your H using his phone while on vacation? Look through it and see who he's communicating with while he's away with you.

 

If needed - have the conversation while away - no need to wait when honesty needs to be on the table.

[Dork Vader]

Both sentences/statements are so wrong on so many levels.

 

#1: Even when you are married, you need some level of privacy. You need some space, some time. You can't just be on top of each other all the time. It creates grounds for resentment eventually because you feel like you can't breathe. When you commit to a long-term relationship of any kind, you are agreeing to share your life with that person, but it doesn't mean you are sharing every second, aspect, breath with that person 24/7/365. Privacy is essential while being single AND while being in a relationship.

 

#2: People spy because they CHOOSE to. Seriously? How is this even something someone says that they "don't want to" spy. It's either a conscious choice you make or you don't.

 

It's simple, if you are at a point where you think you need to "spy" on someone, or hire a PI, or track their phones... the relationship is already dead in the water.

 

Actually you are looking at this wrong. There is a difference between a need for space and "me time" and a need for privacy. If you and your SO/spouse are truly a match and committed to each other privacy is NOT needed. They will approve of every action you take and make. Privacy is only needed when you have something you do not want your SO/spouse to find out about.

 

It is one thing to go out for a girls or guys night. It is entirely different to need privacy..

 

The one exception would be if something required it.. For example I have done consulting. I can not talk about most of it all I can do is explain the situation. I can prove that is legit but that's about it.

[ExpatInItaly]

Girl, give it up and just level with us. How can we help if you won't be straight up??

 

No one thinks you're chucksagent; he's been here a while. But you are that other poster. Benito Mussolini was a little too much, even for these boards.

 

Look, the jig is up. Let's just talk about why you need this guy to like you back so badly. Isn't there anyone single in your world you could focus on?

 

This. The reporting back and forth about the "spy" is useless. The detailed accounts of the emails are useless. The real issue is the almost-desperate need for attention from this man.

[chucksagent]

Dork Vader - PERFECTLY said. ME time and PRIVATE time are needed. Not "privacy." It's this new DIVORCE generation. My parents and grandparents didn't have secret and secret lives. They were married 50 years. But these new kids who have been divorced 2 or 3 times or can't even get a spouse "know better." Lol. It's all about me, me, me. Everyone wants to have their cake and eat it to = PROBLEM!

[chucksagent]

And politics ARE irrelevant on here, I agree. But the MINDSET is quite relevant. The feel good, emotional, say what you want/feel, do what you want/feel, is a liberal mindset. And it's a serious problem. It applies to politics and relationships.

 

 

Guns - 341 rifle deaths ALL of last year.

Texting and Driving deaths - 2.6 million accidents, 75,000 deaths.

 

 

Analysis - BAN GUNS!

 

 

You never hear a liberal say "we need to ban cell phones because of mis-use." Texting and driving is banned in many states. Shooting someone is banned in ALL states. People STILL text and drive and people STILL shoot people. That is the price of freedom.

 

 

I don't think either should be banned because a couple idiots misuse it. BUT, liberals are "scared" of guns. Even though 90% of them probably have never seen a gun in person BUT they see an idiot swerve into their lane twice a week because of distracted driving. Ask them what scares them, and they will tell you guns. Lol. Truly think about that logic and be honest with yourself.

 

 

That is a serious problem. When people can't analyze facts honestly and accurately. And it's what leads to all these marital problems.

 

 

"I'm not perfect!" Who is asking for perfection here!?!?! DO NOT PUT YOURSELF IN BAD SITUATIONS. DO UNTO OTHERS AS YOU WOULD HAVE THEM DO UNTO YOU?

 

 

How would you feel if your spouse was flirting with a young hot dude intern? Some buff young guy and shes offering to cook for him. Emailing him while on vacation with you? Complimenting him, fawning over him...HE WOULDN'T LIKE IT! SO WHY DO IT???

 

 

My lord, people complicate the SIMPLEST darn things and then say "I'm not perfect. I make mistakes." A mistake is "oh crap I turned down the wrong street." Not, I CHOSE CHOSE CHOSE CHOSE CHOSE to make a selfish decision because it was making me feel good and turning me on in spite of my marital vows. God people, have some backbone and stop being a victim every time and call a spade a spade.

 

 

It's this mentality that is KILLING us as a society. And I am NOT by any means saying conservative mentality is the answer. It's like ANYTHING else (food, work, play) MODERATION...MIDDLE...THE MIDDLE IS THE PLACE TO BE! A FREE THINKER!

[serial muse]

And politics ARE irrelevant on here, I agree. But the MINDSET is quite relevant. The feel good, emotional, say what you want/feel, do what you want/feel, is a liberal mindset. And it's a serious problem. It applies to politics and relationships.

 

 

Guns - 341 rifle deaths ALL of last year.

Texting and Driving deaths - 2.6 million accidents, 75,000 deaths.

 

 

Analysis - BAN GUNS!

 

 

You never hear a liberal say "we need to ban cell phones because of mis-use." Texting and driving is banned in many states. Shooting someone is banned in ALL states. People STILL text and drive and people STILL shoot people. That is the price of freedom.

 

 

I don't think either should be banned because a couple idiots misuse it. BUT, liberals are "scared" of guns. Even though 90% of them probably have never seen a gun in person BUT they see an idiot swerve into their lane twice a week because of distracted driving. Ask them what scares them, and they will tell you guns. Lol. Truly think about that logic and be honest with yourself.

 

 

That is a serious problem. When people can't analyze facts honestly and accurately. And it's what leads to all these marital problems.

 

 

"I'm not perfect!" Who is asking for perfection here!?!?! DO NOT PUT YOURSELF IN BAD SITUATIONS. DO UNTO OTHERS AS YOU WOULD HAVE THEM DO UNTO YOU?

 

 

How would you feel if your spouse was flirting with a young hot dude intern? Some buff young guy and shes offering to cook for him. Emailing him while on vacation with you? Complimenting him, fawning over him...HE WOULDN'T LIKE IT! SO WHY DO IT???

 

 

My lord, people complicate the SIMPLEST darn things and then say "I'm not perfect. I make mistakes." A mistake is "oh crap I turned down the wrong street." Not, I CHOSE CHOSE CHOSE CHOSE CHOSE to make a selfish decision because it was making me feel good and turning me on in spite of my marital vows. God people, have some backbone and stop being a victim every time and call a spade a spade.

 

 

It's this mentality that is KILLING us as a society. And I am NOT by any means saying conservative mentality is the answer. It's like ANYTHING else (food, work, play) MODERATION...MIDDLE...THE MIDDLE IS THE PLACE TO BE! A FREE THINKER!

 

But chuck...The OP says she agrees with you but the fact is she's created this elaborate story and shes not even the wife, she's the girl...how would you call any of that a liberal mindset?? Frankly it doesn't make sense. By insisting this is political you're actually helping to obscure the truth and helping to unnecessarily complicate things yourself. Better to focus on this individual's story than the soapbox...more truth is revealed that way and you're less likely to miss the forest for the trees.

Edited August 2, 2014 by serial muse

[smackie9]

OK lets get back on track here. The OP was just looking for some answers, so here is my take on this. Your husband could be at the beginnings of an emotional affair. Tho bonding with co-workers is common, if it turns into a flirtation, emails and texting at all hours, with a high frequency, then yes it's an affair. Since sex is not involved most feel it's harmless. People can get so caught up in it they have no clue how inappropriate it is. From the emails you have posts and the behavior at work, I would think nothing of it. There isn't anything really there to consider that anything serious is going on. I think your feelings about this is influenced by what the old lady watching them is telling you and the fact this woman is attractive and gets along well with your husband. People will have a misconception quite easily, especially amongst the chatterers at work.

 

I myself have been accused of having affairs at work, even accused by people I have never met and work at a different branch. None of it was ever true, so you better be careful. Your paranioa could be the demise of your happy marriage.

[chucksagent]

serial muse - I agree it appears something fishy is afoot, but even that being said, it's still a situation you see a lot. "Flirting with co-workers and boundry breaking is acceptable, but breaching someones privacy is not acceptable." Lol. So even if this is a ruse, the point is still the same.

 

 

And funny you use the phrase "see the forest for the trees." Because that is why most people screw up. They are just laughing, having fun, thinking it's harmless, flirting, feeling fun...next thing they know they are cheating.

 

 

Isnt it easier and more professional to just go to work...to...WORK!?! Lol. Call me old fashioned.

[smackie9]

 

 

Isnt it easier and more professional to just go to work...to...WORK!?! Lol. Call me old fashioned.

 

Only if we were robots lol......

[Jane0501]

Wow, a lot of discussions... We're back from vacation. I'm still tracking him until I can meet with my lawyer. Emails have dried up, no flirting.

 

But at work... Different story.

 

 

My husband and I have been strained even though i havent confronted him. My spy has been telling me what he did today after we came back from vacation, it was his first day at work.

 

She said he kept trying to make conversation with the girl, joking with her from inside his office so she would go in. She was able to overhear a conversation where he's teasing her, and he talks about his toy helicopter in his office and she says "I highly doubt that you will fly it out in the hall" and he says he will prove it to her and fly it into her office. Then she mentions her husband having his toys - 2 cars and wanting to buy a 3rd one, and apparently my husband's face fell flat and he changed the subject...

 

So there's banter and when she tries to walk away, he keeps making more conversation so that she will stay!

 

My friend also says that as soon as he walked into the office, in the midst of all the other people, she was the first one he looked for and made eye contact with, which other people in the office commented on.

 

She also talked about when he seemed to be trying to get the girl to compliment him on how he handled a situation at work, even though there was someone else present! He didnt ask for their opinion. Long story but he brought up the situation and agreed with her view of it, while asking for her praise... Which she gave him!

 

He is putting so much weight on her opinions! And people seem to be noticing.

[2sunny]

How old is your husband?

 

He sounds like he's 5 years old.

 

 

Why don't you request he change jobs/companies?

[Jane0501]

That's what I thought was strange! He's not like that! I almost passed out when K told me!! He was trying to seem fun or something, especially when the girl said "I highly doubt that you will do that" (fly the helicopter in the hall)

 

But what really hurt my feelings was when he tried to get her approval in front of others - she had complained about how heartless he was being with a business associate... So he sends the business associate a nice email letting her down easy. The girl was copied on the email but never replied to him. He then, in front of her, K said, brought it up to a third party "See how thoughtful my email was??". The girl is silent. He says "You know, I had to, I'm always being criticized". K said that the girl smiled and said "Ok, you should be praised for how you how you handled it..." K said he was then smiling from ear to ear. He was looking for approval - hers.

 

I just have this knot in my stomach saying that this is more emotional than it seems.

[Jane0501]

His family owns the company.

[Jane0501]

But that's what I don't understand! What part of his behavior is flirting. My feelings are hurt but at the same time, I feel that he would have asked her out or made a move. Given the interactions ive been made aware of, I dont think that has happened. Soaybe he's not interested?

[2sunny]

I suppose there no crime in any married man flirting a bit. Since he hasn't taken action there's not much you can say to him.

 

Unless he's willing to admit feelings for her and commit to the M by going to counseling.

 

 

I think it's odd that "everyone" is noticing if he's making eye contact with her first after returning from his vacation.

 

Lots of snoopy people at his family's company.

 

I guess only thing to suggest is IF you don't like it, you can leave him...?

[Elle1975]

Does this "spy" work at all? Seems like she's got an awful lot of time on her hand to go astray from her work desk and get all the "details" of what's going on..

[CarrieT]

Jane, you never commented on the other thread that we found.

 

It all sounds very pat and compact and it seems the girl was posting here as well, discovered your thread, knows that you know, and is dialing back the flirting.

 

When are you going to confront your husband with all this evidence?

[ktya]

From what I've seen the busybody "spy" has been slighted by OPS husband at some point and is going after his marriage as revenge. Either that or she hates the beautiful young woman and wants to get her fired.

 

The wicked behavior is not on the part of the husband, it is this busybody "spy". Everyone flirts a little at work and of course the older boss will flirt with his younger pretty staff - it's one of the perks of being the boss.

 

What I would recommend that the OP do is reveal all of the spy's emails to her to the husband and recommend that he fire this cackling manipulative witch who is trying to destroy their marriage.

 

He is trying to get her into the office to fly a toy helicopter? Fishing for compliments? Taking use and note of her better emotional judgements? Making eye contact with her?

 

Hive me a break. With a wife so suspicious she is preparing for divorce over some office crush who is getting regular updates from some spy in his own family company if it was me I'd be the one filing for divorce and no wonder he has an office crush..

 

OP needs some serious counselling about trust. The "spy" needs to get fired for spreading venomous gossip to people's wives. Case closdd.

[Jane0501]

But you guys don't understand that this is getting worse!

 

 

So he's had these pictures he's been wanting to hang in his office for 3 months, they were just sitting there. My friend said the girl he's been flirting with, yesterday, said "Wow, you still haven't hung these pictures?!".

 

she just emailed him asking if he has some time.. He wrote back "Whatever's up, I'll make time..."

 

Am I right to think he's flirting?Yesterday and today there were all these emails late last night at 9:00 pm and early this morning, as soon as he got up... Banter, back and forth.

 

I keep going back and forth about whether this is worrisome. Sometimes I think I've gone too far, sometimes that I'm bring too lax. I don't know if this is real interest on his part or worth the upheaval that confrontation would bring to my marriage.

[stillafool]

From what I've seen the busybody "spy" has been slighted by OPS husband at some point and is going after his marriage as revenge. Either that or she hates the beautiful young woman and wants to get her fired.

 

The wicked behavior is not on the part of the husband, it is this busybody "spy". Everyone flirts a little at work and of course the older boss will flirt with his younger pretty staff - it's one of the perks of being the boss.

 

What I would recommend that the OP do is reveal all of the spy's emails to her to the husband and recommend that he fire this cackling manipulative witch who is trying to destroy their marriage.

 

He is trying to get her into the office to fly a toy helicopter? Fishing for compliments? Taking use and note of her better emotional judgements? Making eye contact with her?

 

Hive me a break. With a wife so suspicious she is preparing for divorce over some office crush who is getting regular updates from some spy in his own family company if it was me I'd be the one filing for divorce and no wonder he has an office crush..

 

OP needs some serious counselling about trust. The "spy" needs to get fired for spreading venomous gossip to people's wives. Case closdd.

 

Amen! Could not have said this better!

[Jane0501]

Btw, my friend is 71!! Not someone trying to steal my husband!

[Jane0501]

About the pictures.. As soon as she said something, this morning, he's up and hanging the pictures himself! After 3 months!

[leavesonautumn]

I don't really understand, do you and your husband even talk?

[CarrieT]

Jane, you haven't answered the question.

 

What are YOU going to do with all this evidence? What more are you waiting for?

[Jane0501]

I'm waiting to find out if this IS evidence! I can't decide. Maybe it's just mild flirting? I just answered in the last part of one of my posts... Do I have enough evidence?