Screaming match between husband and 16 y/o stepdaughter, cops called, now she's gone!

[beach]

Because it stressed me the hell out and I didn't want to be anywhere near them. I just about got in the car and drove away. Let them fight it out! I have never in my life experienced anything like that. A father screaming at his daughter, a daughter screaming profanity at her father both saying horrible things and then to hear her scream at her mother on the phone "don't f****** talk to me like that!" must mean she gets away with a hell of a lot when she's with her mother. I never EVER would have even raised my voice slightly to my parents and don't understand how a 16 year old thinks she can say all this horrible stuff and get away with it. Her mother has had screaming matches with all her boyfriends and former husband so I'm sure SD gets an idea of men are horrible and you should treat them as such. God knows we hear SD tell us how great a guy is and then the next time we see her he's an ass because he cheated on her or pissed her off and he's a jerk.This last one was supposedly so awesome and they were getting promise rings and I thought 'Oh yeah I'm sure this is the love of your life at 16". Sure enough, guess who cheated on her? I'm sure she plays a big part in everything with her attitude.

 

Your husband isn't showing her a healthy example for a man.

 

He's an inadequate man and father.

 

I don't blame the child - mainly because she has had piss poor example of adult, mature behaviors and ways to handle adversity in life.

 

Since she's had such poor examples - we can expect her to follow her leaders and continue with bad behavior since the adults in her life are showing such inadequate role models.

[CC12]

A father screaming at his daughter, a daughter screaming profanity at her father both saying horrible things and then to hear her scream at her mother on the phone "don't f****** talk to me like that!" must mean she gets away with a hell of a lot when she's with her mother.

 

Oh, stop it. You are the last person who should be judging someone else's parenting style. How she is with her mother is none of your business. It's not like you're trying to right the wrongs her mother does to her, so just stop.

 

And she's a dick to her mother, as well? Why isn't this a relief to you? Why aren't you like, "Oh thank goodness, she's just as awful to her mother as she is with us. Maybe it isn't personal."

 

 

 

 

 

Her mother has had screaming matches with all her boyfriends and former husband so I'm sure SD gets an idea of men are horrible and you should treat them as such.

 

It seems that most of the men in her life are horrible and cause her some grief or unhappiness, even the boys she dates:

 

God knows we hear SD tell us how great a guy is and then the next time we see her he's an ass because he cheated on her or pissed her off and he's a jerk.This last one was supposedly so awesome and they were getting promise rings and I thought 'Oh yeah I'm sure this is the love of your life at 16". Sure enough, guess who cheated on her? I'm sure she plays a big part in everything with her attitude.

 

This is just so sad. All the men in her life have disappointed her in some way or another. And she thinks that she has a special relationship with you, that you're "the nicer one" at her father's house. But here you are, pissing and moaning that she acts like a normal 16 year old, blaming her for being cheated on, and rejoicing that after this latest damaging blowup, you might not have to deal with her anymore.

 

I get that you're venting, but I'd really like to see you just admit that your husband is kind of a piece of ****, that his daughter is suffering because of it, and that your life also suffers due to your husband's poor choices.

 

Do you think you could do that?

[MidwestUSA]

I am VENTING! If you hate it then don't read it and don't respond if it bothers you so much!

 

Well, there's a section specifically for rants. Rather than waste the time of some great, insightful posters here, who seem to have triggered you by exactly nailing your situation, maybe you need to be there.

[Mapper71]

So your husband decided to punch a hole in the door............and seriously wonders why only knows how to flip when shes mad as apposed to reasonably voicing her argument!?

Let me rephrase the punching the door thing because I wasn't clear. He didn't make the hole because he was angry, she went to slam the bedroom door in his face and he held out his hand to stop it and due to the force of the door being slammed his fist made a hole in it. It's a very cheap door! If she had not slammed it, there would be no hole!

[Mapper71]

I get that you're venting, but I'd really like to see you just admit that your husband is kind of a piece of ****, that his daughter is suffering because of it, and that your life also suffers due to your husband's poor choices.

 

Do you think you could do that?

My husband is a piece of **** and his daughter is suffering because of it. There I said it!!! Everyone happy now?? Phew!

[Mapper71]

Well, there's a section specifically for rants. Rather than waste the time of some great, insightful posters here, who seem to have triggered you by exactly nailing your situation, maybe you need to be there.

Nobody has to respond. Nobody has to read these, yet they do. They are wasting their own time by responding.

[Keenly]

Let me rephrase the punching the door thing because I wasn't clear. He didn't make the hole because he was angry, she went to slam the bedroom door in his face and he held out his hand to stop it and due to the force of the door being slammed his fist made a hole in it. It's a very cheap door! If she had not slammed it, there would be no hole!

 

 

 

 

Yeah..... according to the physics of wind resistance, the story you described in this post is not possible.

 

 

 

This is exactly how my step parent was too.... It was her fault that he punched a hole in the door, right?

[MidwestUSA]

Nobody has to respond. Nobody has to read these, yet they do. They are wasting their own time by responding.

 

You're right. We don't, and we are. Good luck with your anger issues.

[littleplanet]

Just a question...

why is she there?

She's not a helpless little child, she's 16.

 

And this is a three-way split among people who don't want to be with each other.

If she had the power to make the decision, she'd probably never darken your door.

(And that might be the most sensible thing anyone could do.)

 

Past deeds, dysfunctions, whatever - have obviously not been resolved.

I get that she's a brat. Sure.

But there doesn't seem to be an adult in her life that she respects.

And I don't think that just popped out of a crackerjack box for no reason.

Of course her visits are going to be like striking a match in a dynamite shack.

 

If she absolutely has to visit (like a jail sentence in her mind) then leave her alone.

You judge her by behavior at present age as if you'd had input all along since she was a baby - but that's not the case.

There is enough water under the bridge that you had absolutely no control over.

 

Making the best of a bad situation is an adult thing to do.

Create and adjust accordingly. Damage control....whatever.

[Shepp]

If she had not slammed it, there would be no hole!

"Punching a hole" and ^ is very different! But whatever, tell the story however you would like - its your "venting" after all.

Even so if he handn't stuck his hand out, there'd be no hole. Or if he'd dealt with her outburst better, there'd be no hole. Or if she hadn't come to visit there'd be no hole.... If, if, if - doesn't matter.

 

 

Every man is responsible for his own actions, she didn't make him yell, she didn't make him 'stick his hand out', he chose his own reaction! And if your neighbours judge him by them then - that's there prerogative and up to him to shoulder.

 

 

 

 

Way I see it your SD's only fault was not having the skill set to articulate her point better.. but at 16 and with the kind of examples she's got around her I don't see she can be blamed for that.

I said it before - kids learn by copying and kids become teens - OF COURSE she speaks like that, if that's what she grew up surrounded by!

 

 

Ideally as a parent you want to give your kids as many skills as possible to equip them to move through life. But if for whatever reason I wasn't able to do that id still hope that my boys had enough raw fire, to shout all day if that's what it took to make the world hear them out, than that they meekly swallowed their tongue in the face of injustice.

And thinking back to being 16, if I felt some dude who'd never been a dad when it counted or I needed him suddenly tried starting to parent me - be it true or not, if I felt it - then at 16 id of considered that injustice.

 

 

For the record, i also hope that my boys don't just have enough courage to speak up but enough humility to sit down and hear - not just listen. That's what your husband failed to do!

....if he had, you probably wouldn't need a new door.

 

 

But y'know, your just "venting", so you don't want to hear any of that right!

Edited July 28, 2014 by Shepp

[Mapper71]

Judging by OP's selfish, cold and childish statements in this thread about her own step daughter, I'm gonna go with a no on this.

 

That is where you are wrong! I grew up in an extremely loving family where there was never any drama. I never backtalked or raised my voice to my parents and my dad died of cancer when I was 14 so if I was in SD's place I would LOVE to have a father around! However, after I was grown, my mom had no tolerance for kids BS, my sister has no tolerance for kids BS and I have no tolerance for kids BS.

[Mapper71]

Yeah..... according to the physics of wind resistance, the story you described in this post is not possible.

 

 

 

This is exactly how my step parent was too.... It was her fault that he punched a hole in the door, right?

 

So he should have let her slam it in her face? The door is cheap. It is not a hole per se, but a huge crack in the door. There is THAT possible???

 

It appears to me that if I told everyone on here that she killed her dad everyone would probably tell me that she was TOTALLY in the right to do so. If I told you the sky is blue you'd probably tell me "No it's more of an indigo." No matter what I say on here about her other than "she is is such an innocent princess who never brought any of this on herself." anyone is going to disagree with me. Nobody knows her and nobody knows my H but everyone is on her side. Yup my husband is a dick...and she is spoiled child who thinks she can get away with saying and doing whatever she wants because she's been an adult since the age of 12!

[Mapper71]

Why don't you and your husband take parenting classes?

 

Because I am not her parent! I have never wanted to be her parent. If anyone needs to take parenting classes it's my husband and her mother! Not my kid, not my problem!

[Bittersweetie]

...Never mind...

Edited July 28, 2014 by Bittersweetie
No use.

[CarrieT]

I think the best thing we can do is simply stop responding to Mapper's threads.

 

All the advice and suggestions have been falling on deaf and defiant ears and we who have tried see the futility of our efforts.

[Anela]

Because I am not her parent! I have never wanted to be her parent. If anyone needs to take parenting classes it's my husband and her mother! Not my kid, not my problem!

 

Heartless! If you don't want to be a parent, don't marry a man who has a daughter!

[pink_sugar]

Because I am not her parent! I have never wanted to be her parent. If anyone needs to take parenting classes it's my husband and her mother! Not my kid, not my problem!

 

Sorry, but I disagree to some extent. Yes, you are right that you are not her mother and should be letting your H be responsible for primary discipline...but when you marry, your husband's daughter was part of this package and it becomes your problem too. I just realized you're the same person posting about your H not going to work. IMO, with all this crap going on, you probably should just divorce him and move on.

Edited July 28, 2014 by pink_sugar

[Mapper71]

Sorry, but I disagree to some extent. Yes, you are right that you are not her mother and should be letting your H be responsible for primary discipline...but when you marry, your husband's daughter was part of this package and it becomes your problem too. I just realized you're the same person posting about your H not going to work. IMO, with all this crap going on, you probably should just divorce him and move on.

Go to a stepparent forum and see how many women on there post that they have disengaged completely from their stepkids and do not deal with them and as they put it--NMKNMP (Not my kid, not my problem!) and you will see that acronym several times on the site! I am not the only stepparent in the world who doesn't want to deal with their step kid!

[Mapper71]

"Punching a hole" and ^ is very different! But whatever, tell the story however you would like - its your "venting" after all.

Even so if he handn't stuck his hand out, there'd be no hole. Or if he'd dealt with her outburst better, there'd be no hole. Or if she hadn't come to visit there'd be no hole.... If, if, if - doesn't matter.

 

 

Every man is responsible for his own actions, she didn't make him yell, she didn't make him 'stick his hand out', he chose his own reaction! And if your neighbours judge him by them then - that's there prerogative and up to him to shoulder.

 

 

 

 

Way I see it your SD's only fault was not having the skill set to articulate her point better.. but at 16 and with the kind of examples she's got around her I don't see she can be blamed for that.

I said it before - kids learn by copying and kids become teens - OF COURSE she speaks like that, if that's what she grew up surrounded by!

 

 

Ideally as a parent you want to give your kids as many skills as possible to equip them to move through life. But if for whatever reason I wasn't able to do that id still hope that my boys had enough raw fire, to shout all day if that's what it took to make the world hear them out, than that they meekly swallowed their tongue in the face of injustice.

And thinking back to being 16, if I felt some dude who'd never been a dad when it counted or I needed him suddenly tried starting to parent me - be it true or not, if I felt it - then at 16 id of considered that injustice.

 

 

For the record, i also hope that my boys don't just have enough courage to speak up but enough humility to sit down and hear - not just listen. That's what your husband failed to do!

....if he had, you probably wouldn't need a new door.

 

 

But y'know, your just "venting", so you don't want to hear any of that right!

Yup she does have a crappy skill set, but seeing as how she's with her mother 95% of the time I'd say the mother shoulders 95% of that crappy skill set. The mother's way to not talk about something is to scream and start drama so of course that is how SD responds. I told my mom this whole story yesterday and she goes "What is WRONG with that child! When I met her I couldn't stand her being around for more than 5 minutes! The girl needs a psychologist!" And weird how we always hear from SD "My friend's parents hate me and I don't know why." and "My art teacher hates me and I don't know why". and "My boyfriend's sister hates me and don't know why". Probably becasue you rub everyone the wrong way and if someone upsets you the first thing you do is cop attitude and scream. She told us 2 years ago how much she loved her mother's boyfriend (who then became her husband and the are now divorced) and how he was SO much better than H and wouldn't you know a year later she couldn't stand the sight of the mother's boyfriend and guess what? They had screaming matches too where SD would go off on him. Seems to be a pattern to me!

[pink_sugar]

Go to a stepparent forum and see how many women on there post that they have disengaged completely from their stepkids and do not deal with them and as they put it--NMKNMP (Not my kid, not my problem!) and you will see that acronym several times on the site! I am not the only stepparent in the world who doesn't want to deal with their step kid!

 

Of course you're not. Stepparents like this is why good ones get a bad wrap. Considering your other thread, it sounds like your husband has his own issues which could have had an effect his daughter. My husband doesn't speak to his stepdad anymore after his mom passed away because he was a royal douche of a stepparent. Treated him like crap and never made an effort to get to know him and prevented his mom from seeing him in a lot of ways. His stepfather isn't well liked by the rest of his mother's family to say the least. If you're not going to make an effort to get to know your partner's children and want nothing to do with them, you should be with someone who has no kids.

[whichwayisup]

Yup...very shallow. I've had it with her and her moping and nothing we do ever makes her happy. She complains that H doesn't want anything to do with her?? Then yesterday she complains that he won't leave her alone and wants her to watch a movie with him or play video games together or go to the store. he's TRYING to interact with her and all he gets is attitude of "leave me alone"!.

 

Last bunch of posts you said about her not too long ago she was trying to spend time with him and he was brushing her off and dumping her on you. And, how she was so chatty with you, following you around ,wanting to spend time with you, and you weren't interested in spending that amount of time with her.

 

This girl is 16, feeling unloved and unwanted by both you and him. No wonder she's acting out. There's absolutely NO communication happening, ever. Just yelling and complaining. She isn't stupid, she knows you don't like her and picks up on the energy and her dad doesn't treat her well.

 

Your posts about her are different each time.

 

Anyway, maybe it's best she not visit for a while and next time your H can fly to where she lives and spend time with her one on one for a long weekend.

[whichwayisup]

Yup she does have a crappy skill set, but seeing as how she's with her mother 95% of the time I'd say the mother shoulders 95% of that crappy skill set. The mother's way to not talk about something is to scream and start drama so of course that is how SD responds. I told my mom this whole story yesterday and she goes "What is WRONG with that child! When I met her I couldn't stand her being around for more than 5 minutes! The girl needs a psychologist!" And weird how we always hear from SD "My friend's parents hate me and I don't know why." and "My art teacher hates me and I don't know why". and "My boyfriend's sister hates me and don't know why". Probably becasue you rub everyone the wrong way and if someone upsets you the first thing you do is cop attitude and scream. She told us 2 years ago how much she loved her mother's boyfriend (who then became her husband and the are now divorced) and how he was SO much better than H and wouldn't you know a year later she couldn't stand the sight of the mother's boyfriend and guess what? They had screaming matches too where SD would go off on him. Seems to be a pattern to me!

 

You all bash her yet none of you are actually doing anything about it. Instead of ganging up and being on the 'hate on' bandwagon, get this poor girl some help. The dynamic she sees around her, both homes ARE unstable and not healthy. Your household included. She sees how her dad treats you and you put up with it. She feels your jealously when her dad spoils her or treats her better than he treats you.

 

If you feel she needs a therapist, then talk to your H, her father about this.

[Mapper71]

You all bash her yet none of you are actually doing anything about it. Instead of ganging up and being on the 'hate on' bandwagon, get this poor girl some help. The dynamic she sees around her, both homes ARE unstable and not healthy. Your household included. She sees how her dad treats you and you put up with it. She feels your jealously when her dad spoils her or treats her better than he treats you.

 

If you feel she needs a therapist, then talk to your H, her father about this.

 

Oh we ALL know she needs a therapist. The whole family needs a therapist and H has gone to one a few times. We have no say in her going to see one. H has tried but SD won't go and she certainly won't go now as I'm sure she won't even pick up the phone if he tried to call her.

[Shepp]

Yup she does have a crappy skill set, but seeing as how she's with her mother 95% of the time I'd say the mother shoulders 95% of that crappy skill set.

 

hahah you think that's how it works!

 

 

More like if shes with her mother 95% of the time then her mum can be held accountable for any of her good traits.

 

 

They did an experiment with three monkeys once years back:

Were super kind to one. Mistreated one. and totally ignored the last one.

The monkey that suffered worse and had the most behavioural and physical issues? The one that was IGNORED!

 

 

No wonder the girl acts out to actually get a reaction out of her dad who she only sees 5% of the time!!

[beach]

Why do you stay married to him Mapper?

 

I really want specifically outlined reasons why you state that you're never divorcing him even though you can't stand your husband.