Thinking about breaking NC to apologize.

[Sunberry]

I just looked into a past post as well went through past notes and old memories. I'm now comparing myself from 2012/13 till now.

 

From what I have just gathered about myself is I unconsciously try to be the victim with no intentions of trying to be. I just went back on the relationship and found out what was wrong on both terms (more on his part..but as well as mine). Regardless of who did more harm then the other I am trying to accept that some things must come to an end.

 

Relationships are, indeed, a two-way street. I let things happen for the sake and hope for other people. I need to realize I can't make everyone happy as much as I try..I just can't. I'm still going to shed some tears or feel the green eyed monster peeking through. I really don't know how long this feelig will last but I just want it to be over with....really badly..

 

I guess from the general consesus I should wait until it's a genuine apology or when I let it go? =/

[Sunberry]

Like everyone else said, an apology isn't the way to deal with these feelings. It's completely understandable that you feel the way you do. I would strongly suggest that you refrain from seeing him in any group settings and ask your friends not to talk about him.

 

What strikes me about your posts is how hard you are on yourself. This is the time to treat yourself with compassion and realize that these feelings are normal. Don't judge yourself too harshly for the way you acted after the breakup because most people do and say things they regret. Unless you burned his house down or keyed his car, you probably had a normal reaction. There's really no need to apologize for acting emotional or having any of these feelings.

 

I will tell you something that was suggest in a book I read, and it helped me tremendously. You can write down all the bad you felt you did and all the bad you felt he did. You can work to forgive yourself first then maybe him later. No one is all good or all bad, and we all have emotional reactions to a breakup. Sometimes, the best thing to do is to accept the situation for what it so, no matter how painful or unfair. Accept that it happened, and make the decision not to let it ruin the rest of your life.

 

I was thinking about doing it and trying to fully understand my sadness..

 

We may not be in perfect agreement on the apology thing, but nicely done. Plus I was born in 1980... great year

 

Great post and it rings true.

 

Sunberry, you have a great community of people willing to help you through this. Use them/us. Show me someone who's perfect and has dealt with every situation perfectly. They don't exist.

 

I've done things I thought were deplorable. She still loved me.

 

I still love people who have done horrible things to me. The heart doesn't follow the logic of "bad/good"... it has its own way of seeing things.

If someone loves someone, I believe they always will love them, regardless of what has been done.

 

Just the way it is.

 

I have worried too many people over the last year and I don't want them to. All I can do at the moment is try to put this behind me the best way I can. I have signed up for something that will help with everything..I shall try my best...

[candie13]

I honestly feel like moving, changing friends, changing environments...

 

Did it before and I was on the way to recovery.

 

I just cried a river--it's the hardest I've cried in a year and I just accepted he doesn't give two ****s about me...

 

You live in the past. Your writing to him is not about closure, is about reviving the past. Thing is... he moved on.

 

LEt's look at your reasons for a little while. You admit he does not care. He did move on... so all this is about you and about your inability to move on.

 

I am sorry to say, but sitting around and posting won't help you move on. Date, see new friends, go out and in that process, with time, you will leave the past behind.

 

What do you have to apologize for? Were you a terrible horrible person? Well, in a way, he brought those traits to surface in you. I am not saying that he deserved it or that it is not your fault... some people simply are wrong for eachother and instead of bringing out the best in eachother, they only bring out the worst.

 

IMO, this is about your inability to move on, not about apologies. Plus, you are expecting a reaction from him.... This is 100% about you, not about him. HE moved on. I think you should try to do the same. And if you think that writing an apology letter will do that, **** it, just do it and be done with it. Then move on.

[hoping2heal]

If I was still his girlfriend and his ex was back in the picture I honestly wouldn't care. But that's just me and therefore my opinion doesn't matter...

 

I just want to stop crying and just make amends. I feel there is a heavy weight on my shoulder but I just can't let this go at all. There is also the underlying jealousy and hurt about him easily finding a girlfriend, how she may be better than me, when I feel I have no hope of finding anyone for me. But like the above poster said I have to re-evaluate why I feel the need to make an apology if that's the case.

 

You're right, I don't know what to expect. And I don't know how my feelings are going to be afterwards....in the end it's not his problem how I feel.

 

Teeter totter is now leaning to the left on not doing it//I don't want to mess up his life more than I already have...but I feel like I'm just making myself worse....

 

OP,

 

It's clear from your post that there is much more going on here than you trying to establish civil grounds for the sake of social settings.

 

You haven't moved on from this relationship. Now you're trying to justify ways to be in this man's life and attempting to make it "look good".

 

You know why closure happens within? Because exes will never tell you what you are longing to hear. No matter the explanation for the break up, you'll be hurt and wanting them. No matter the reason, the rhyme. Closure comes from within because it's you who must accept that a relationship is over and will not happen again and once you do that, the "reason" no longer matters.

 

I don't know what you did, but you cannot undo it now and you never could. What's done is done and nothing we do ever replaces our actions. If you feel that you acted in a way that was "deplorable" learn your lesson so you do not repeat it in the next relationship, but the book is closed on the chapter in your life with this man. You have no more control over what happens with the two of you because there no longer is a "two of you".

[Taramere]

I just looked into a past post as well went through past notes and old memories. I'm now comparing myself from 2012/13 till now.

 

From what I have just gathered about myself is I unconsciously try to be the victim with no intentions of trying to be...I guess from the general consesus I should wait until it's a genuine apology or when I let it go? =/

 

 

I looked at your previous posts, and what I got from them was that at the time you took the view that you had done nothing wrong...but that this guy dumped you in quite a hateful way. I don't know, from your posts, what the full story is here - but some of what you're saying, together with your concern that you may inhabit a victim role, suggests that you tend to fluctuate between taking no responsibility and taking too much. It's a hard balance to strike, of course.

 

What I would say is that when you're in a place where you're doing that (taking too much responsibility one moment, and none the next) people will tend to react negatively and sometimes even aggressively. As your ex perhaps did. Which intensifies the bad feelings, guilt (too much responsibility) attempts to shake off that awful feeling of guilt (no responsibility), and it keeps you in the cycle of drama. Which is ultimately a situation in which you'll often feel victimised.

 

Again, I don't know your full story but I would guess that you didn't actually do anything particularly horrible. If people sense uncertainty and a tendency towards guilt about you, they'll often pile blame on - basically just because people can be sh*tty like that. You don't need to have done anything terrible for them to do it...you just need to be vulnerable. And you, from your posts, sound vulnerable.

 

So for these reasons and also the reasons others have given, I would urge you not to apologise. As you note yourself, the desire to apologise may really just be a thin veil over a desire to make contact with him again. Perhaps get back some approval from him that you feel you lost when he ended the relationship with you. You don't need his approval to be okay. You just need the courage to renew ties with mutual friends and to not really give a damn what he thinks or whether he feels like trying to create any awkwardness.

 

You would just drag yourself down by seeking any sort of acceptance from somebody who, at the end of the day, finished with you in what you describe as quite a hateful manner and who therefore doesn't merit any sort of apology from you. You don't have to expend energy trying to wish exes well to be an well adjusted person. Nor do you need their approval.

[Ordinaryday]

OP,

 

It's clear from your post that there is much more going on here than you trying to establish civil grounds for the sake of social settings.

 

You haven't moved on from this relationship. Now you're trying to justify ways to be in this man's life and attempting to make it "look good".

 

You know why closure happens within? Because exes will never tell you what you are longing to hear. No matter the explanation for the break up, you'll be hurt and wanting them. No matter the reason, the rhyme. Closure comes from within because it's you who must accept that a relationship is over and will not happen again and once you do that, the "reason" no longer matters.

 

I don't know what you did, but you cannot undo it now and you never could. What's done is done and nothing we do ever replaces our actions. If you feel that you acted in a way that was "deplorable" learn your lesson so you do not repeat it in the next relationship, but the book is closed on the chapter in your life with this man. You have no more control over what happens with the two of you because there no longer is a "two of you".

 

so true about it being over and nothing else mattering! it reminds me of a thread that was posted here a few months ago -

 

it was posted by a DUMPER who mentioned that she had heard through mutual friends that the DUMPEE thought he was dumped cos she was cheating on him and seeing another guy behind his back, and believed that she dumped him to hook up with this guy.

 

the OP wrote that she didnt do that, she dumped him cos of his lack of ambition and that he was going nowhere, etc.

 

she said she hated the idea of the dumpee thinking she cheated on him when she never did, and she asked if she should contact the dumpee and say basically "I didn't cheat on you, instead you were dumped because...." saying that she felt it right to set the dumpee straight.

 

the responses she got back was a resounding "NO. dont contact him".

 

people told her that:

 

a) it is over between you and him. contacting him will just bring up old painful memories, and it serves no purpose to set the record straight, especially since you dont want him back.

b) there is no guarantee he will believe you anyway and he may last out at you for contacting him.

c) even if he does believe you how is it going to make him feel better, essentially being told "I didnt dump you cos I was cheating on you, I dumped you cos I thought you were a go-nowhere loser" - precisely HOW is that going to make him feel better????

 

while the stories are different, the same basic principal applies here. contacting him serves no purpose and may bring up old memories and the best apology you can give him is by leaving him alone to live his life.

[Ordinaryday]

here is the link in case anyone was wondering:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/470164-should-i-correct-ex-s-misunderstandings

[Missy0724]

Agree with all these posters say!

 

What it comes down to, is if he's moved on, your letter will mean nothing to him, and do you think he will say, "oh! Now that she wrote to me, I'm going to break up with current GF, and go back to her...". It's SO hard to face!

 

But if you truly want him to just know your feelings, get them out, one last time, bc you have truly decided this is the last communication, this is for ME, my closure, and expect, nor want or need his response - then do whatever you feel!

 

I've been broken up for almost a month, NC for almost two weeks, and I just sent a last email telling my ex I'm all set, I know the truth, thank you for this space and time, bc now I understand how things went down, lies told, all the red flags that doomed us, etc. Stuff I'd never said, bc I was too busy post break up being nice, apologizing...bc I wanted reconciliation. I wrote this last email for ME. Bc he didn't take any responsibility for things ending, and I had. When I prob shouldn't have! But I'm a mature person and understand it usually takes two to end a relationship. I wanted him to know and hear my words of what he did to hurt us, and why it failed. Too bad. He acted all happy and wanted to be friends after, but didn't treat me as one. So I told him so. Now I have my closure and feel better for ME. I don't want nor need a response from him. And I've accepted I won't get one. His loss all around.

 

Screw that. People break up for a reason! The dumper has already begun to break away, move on, BEFORE they break up with you. This is reality bc I've been a dumper as well.

 

Maybe take more time...set a specific time. Two weeks? Then see how you feel. But don't send it bc you're reaching out, actually wanting a response.

[EricaH329]

I honestly feel like moving, changing friends, changing environments...

 

Did it before and I was on the way to recovery.

 

I just cried a river--it's the hardest I've cried in a year and I just accepted he doesn't give two ****s about me...

 

Reading this makes me SO happy! Right now is the most opportune time to make a change. For the better. You have all the correct tools to make some changes within yourself, and I suggest you do so. The determination to not feel so lost/sad/upset will give you the energy you need to re-evaluate yourself and learn from your mistakes.

 

Surround yourself with healthy, progressing individuals that can support your journey towards becoming the person you ultimately want to be.

 

Go out and meet new people. Read new books. Visit new places. But most importantly, reflect on who you are to rid yourself of all of the negative feelings you have.

 

We are here to help you along that path. Use us!

[Sunberry]

I looked at your previous posts, and what I got from them was that at the time you took the view that you had done nothing wrong...but that this guy dumped you in quite a hateful way. I don't know, from your posts, what the full story is here - but some of what you're saying, together with your concern that you may inhabit a victim role, suggests that you tend to fluctuate between taking no responsibility and taking too much. It's a hard balance to strike, of course.

 

What I would say is that when you're in a place where you're doing that (taking too much responsibility one moment, and none the next) people will tend to react negatively and sometimes even aggressively. As your ex perhaps did. Which intensifies the bad feelings, guilt (too much responsibility) attempts to shake off that awful feeling of guilt (no responsibility), and it keeps you in the cycle of drama. Which is ultimately a situation in which you'll often feel victimised.

 

Again, I don't know your full story but I would guess that you didn't actually do anything particularly horrible. If people sense uncertainty and a tendency towards guilt about you, they'll often pile blame on - basically just because people can be sh*tty like that. You don't need to have done anything terrible for them to do it...you just need to be vulnerable. And you, from your posts, sound vulnerable.

 

So for these reasons and also the reasons others have given, I would urge you not to apologise. As you note yourself, the desire to apologise may really just be a thin veil over a desire to make contact with him again. Perhaps get back some approval from him that you feel you lost when he ended the relationship with you. You don't need his approval to be okay. You just need the courage to renew ties with mutual friends and to not really give a damn what he thinks or whether he feels like trying to create any awkwardness.

 

You would just drag yourself down by seeking any sort of acceptance from somebody who, at the end of the day, finished with you in what you describe as quite a hateful manner and who therefore doesn't merit any sort of apology from you. You don't have to expend energy trying to wish exes well to be an well adjusted person. Nor do you need their approval.

 

If you don't mind me asking, how far back did you go? Also, whenever I try to go back in trying to see what was wrong, I do go back and forth...

 

It's pathetic isn't it? I have reached a point where I just want to stop feeling this way but feel I'm running out of options.

 

In reference to the poster right above me I haven't necessarily been home in a year. While away I have tried/done all that you've listed (now most of my new friends are scattered in completely different locations outside of my states and beyond, but I haven't necessarilly fixed the problem at hand. I have also tried online dating and it hasn't gone so well for me..I ran away from it so I didn't have to deal with it.

 

I have tried my best to make the effort...the issue at the moment is dealing with it....I've read a couple books though, haha..=/

 

In reference to a guy checking out way before, I've gathered that way later into the NC once he told he he had been thinking about it for 5 months without even telling me, but can tell his friends. At this moment, I am either on one side or the next when it comes to healing. So, yes, I have envy...and it still hurts..

 

I should probably wait..maybe the waiting will push me into not doing it all...I have no idea if whatever I'm doing is the right thing or not...but I guess based on what everyone is sayin it is...(?)

[Taramere]

If you don't mind me asking, how far back did you go? Also, whenever I try to go back in trying to see what was wrong, I do go back and forth...

 

I didn't read all your posts, but I read enough to realise that your initial posts here and these latest ones are about the same person.

 

It's pathetic isn't it? I have reached a point where I just want to stop feeling this way but feel I'm running out of options.

 

It's not pathetic. Or if it is, then most of the human race is pathetic...and certainly most people on LS, because the feelings you are having tend to be similar to the feelings that brought a lot of people here in the first place.

 

I think when it's taking you a very long time to get over somebody it's because something about the relationship and the break up is alerting you to things about yourself that you need to work on. But work on in a productive way, and not in a "beating yourself up" sort of way. So for instance, describing or your feelings as "pathetic" is beating yourself up. It's unnecessary.

 

What you have are feelings that are difficult for you to manage, but you've done very well in restraining yourself from contacting this ex boyfriend. You're feeling tempted at the moment, but you've done the right thing in sounding people out about it. You'll be able to restrain yourself from contacting him, and in time you'll be very glad you did show that restraint.

 

In reference to the poster right above me I haven't necessarily been home in a year. While away I have tried/done all that you've listed (now most of my new friends are scattered in completely different locations outside of my states and beyond, but I haven't necessarilly fixed the problem at hand. I have also tried online dating and it hasn't gone so well for me..I ran away from it so I didn't have to deal with it.

 

I always think online dating sounds like an absolute nightmare. What about one of these social clubs that arrange fun activities? That way the emphasis is on having fun doing something. If you meet somebody then great, if not - at least you're out and about and doing things that give you a buzz. You might also make some new friends out of it. Just don't keep doing yourself down. At the end of the day, whatever anybody here is saying about your desire to contact your ex - you've been strong enough not to give in to it. You're probably doing far better than you realise.

[BC1980]

If you don't mind me asking, how far back did you go? Also, whenever I try to go back in trying to see what was wrong, I do go back and forth...

It's pathetic isn't it? I have reached a point where I just want to stop feeling this way but feel I'm running out of options.

 

What did you do that you feel was so egregious that you need to issue an apology? I get the feeling that you are grasping at anything to make you stop hurting, stop being angry, stop feeling sad, and everything else you are feeling. You have the notion that if you apologize, somehow this will all make sense, and you can tidy it up and move on. It does not work that way. I wish it did, but you can't move through this by going back to him for any type of closure. He can't give you the ability to move on, which is actually a good thing because you have more power than you think.

 

It's tough to know he has a girlfriend because you feel he wronged you. Therefore, he should suffer right? He shouldn't get to move on with someone else. Everyone here knows that feeling, but you have to move the focus back to you. I think you need to try to forgive yourself. Write down everything you did that you think was wrong. Why do you think these things were wrong? That's a place to start.

[Sunberry]

What did you do that you feel was so egregious that you need to issue an apology?

 

I was naive.

 

I asked Taramere how far she/he have gone back in my past from what I posted: it was an issue dealing with self control.

 

1. We continued intercourse and talking fora few months into end of that year. According to the past post I was naive and didn't see he was using me per say.

 

2. I began acting accordingly from what Taramere said about me being on other side of the spectrum which annoyed him. He bagan ignoring me more after he bagan talking to someone (the same friend who told me he had a girlfriend (probably the one he's with now)). [best friend prompted me to stop beng friends with them if they're going to keep doing that, although one them offered to help me just recently].

 

3. I continued to call and beg which prompted him to tell me to leave him alone.

 

I began NC immediately after convincing myself for multiple, multiple hours and help.

 

I feel I owe him an apology because of how I acted from those things. I orginally thought "yeah, maybe we'll finally be on good terms"...but it changed as I continued to read everyone's opinion on how I may need to evaluate that. It's not entirely his fault. I'm mostly to blame...

 

 

I get the feeling that you are grasping at anything to make you stop hurting, stop being angry, stop feeling sad, and everything else you are feeling. You have the notion that if you apologize, somehow this will all make sense, and you can tidy it up and move on. It does not work that way. I wish it did, but you can't move through this by going back to him for any type of closure. He can't give you the ability to move on, which is actually a good thing because you have more power than you think.

 

It's tough to know he has a girlfriend because you feel he wronged you. Therefore, he should suffer right? He shouldn't get to move on with someone else. Everyone here knows that feeling, but you have to move the focus back to you. I think you need to try to forgive yourself. Write down everything you did that you think was wrong. Why do you think these things were wrong? That's a place to start.

 

It's tough for me to accept he has a girlfriend because it was easy for him to move on and I made it easy. Suffer: At times, yes and no which onsets the envy..and the other stuff previous posters has said...

 

I always think online dating sounds like an absolute nightmare. What about one of these social clubs that arrange fun activities? That way the emphasis is on having fun doing something. If you meet somebody then great, if not - at least you're out and about and doing things that give you a buzz. You might also make some new friends out of it. Just don't keep doing yourself down. At the end of the day, whatever anybody here is saying about your desire to contact your ex - you've been strong enough not to give in to it. You're probably doing far better than you realise.

 

I signed up for therapy in order to figure out what's fully wrong with me and how to properly deal with myself..Maybe it will further help me give me a final decision..or to finally fully move on....idk....I'm tired.

 

I shall try and call a friend to see if they want to do something when he finishes work..I don't have any means of transportation, but I can try asking aroud as long as I don't mess with their schedules..

Edited July 27, 2014 by Sunberry

[BC1980]

I was naive.

 

I asked Taramere how far she/he have gone back in my past from what I posted: it was an issue dealing with self control.

 

1. We continued intercourse and talking fora few months into end of that year. According to the past post I was naive and didn't see he was using me per say.

 

2. I began acting accordingly from what Taramere said about me being on other side of the spectrum which annoyed him. He bagan ignoring me more after he bagan talking to someone (the same friend who told me he had a girlfriend (probably the one he's with now)). [best friend prompted me to stop beng friends with them if they're going to keep doing that, although one them offered to help me just recently].

 

3. I continued to call and beg which prompted him to tell me to leave him alone.

 

I began NC immediately after convincing myself for multiple, multiple hours and help.

 

I feel I owe him an apology because of how I acted from those things. I orginally thought "yeah, maybe we'll finally be on good terms"...but it changed as I continued to read everyone's opinion on how I may need to evaluate that. It's not entirely his fault. I'm mostly to blame...

 

 

 

 

It's tough for me to accept he has a girlfriend because it was easy for him to move on and I made it easy. Suffer: At times, yes and no which onsets the envy..and the other stuff previous posters has said...

 

 

 

I signed up for therapy in order to figure out what's fully wrong with me and how to properly deal with myself..Maybe it will further help me give me a final decision..or to finally fully move on....idk....I'm tired.

 

I shall try and call a friend to see if they want to do something when he finishes work..I don't have any means of transportation, but I can try asking aroud as long as I don't mess with their schedules..

 

I don't think you need to apologize to him for any of this. You want him to see you in a better light than you were at the end. Okay, so you begged and became a FWB. Forgive yourself for that because you were in an emotional state. Many people have done the same things and worse. You are not a bad person because of this, but you seem to want to vilify yourself for behavior exhibited under extreme stress.

 

When it comes to your ex, you can't control how he sees you. The best thing to do is to be the best person you can be, so you can view yourself in a good light.

[Sunberry]

You have hit the nail on the head. I'm trying really hard to accept this on my own...so hard.

[Taramere]

I don't think you need to apologize to him for any of this. You want him to see you in a better light than you were at the end. Okay, so you begged and became a FWB. Forgive yourself for that because you were in an emotional state. Many people have done the same things and worse. You are not a bad person because of this, but you seem to want to vilify yourself for behavior exhibited under extreme stress.

 

When it comes to your ex, you can't control how he sees you. The best thing to do is to be the best person you can be, so you can view yourself in a good light.

 

Seconded. You did nothing you need to apologise for. If anything, he should be apologising for having carried on using you for sex when you were vulnerable after the break up - but he won't, because that's the nature of users. When they themselves get used they're absolutely outraged about it, but when they use other people they take the "he/she's an adult, big enough to say no if they want...if they don't have self respect that's not my problem"

 

Good people don't take advantage of the vulnerable (which everybody is, at the end of the break up). They treat them with some degree of honour. This guy is not a good person, and he's certainly not fit to hold any position of judge and jury over your character and behaviour.

[Sunberry]

Seconded. You did nothing you need to apologise for. If anything, he should be apologising for having carried on using you for sex when you were vulnerable after the break up - but he won't, because that's the nature of users. When they themselves get used they're absolutely outraged about it, but when they use other people they take the "he/she's an adult, big enough to say no if they want...if they don't have self respect that's not my problem"

 

Good people don't take advantage of the vulnerable (which everybody is, at the end of the break up). They treat them with some degree of honour. This guy is not a good person, and he's certainly not fit to hold any position of judge and jury over your character and behaviour.

 

I understand...I will try holding back the urge to contact him and try to figure out what's wrong with me and why I continue to hold on.

 

While reading these posts over again, I began to look at the relationship the best way I can...I still don't properly understand myself but hopefully therapy can help me fully see what was so great about him...especially since for while he only continued the relationship for sex until he found another person...

 

Thank you....

[Sunberry]

I'm very happy I stuck to NC after my last post. I'm proud of myself

 

Until recently I lost my phone--I was trying to call a friend. Luckily, most of my numbers are saved on Google+ just in case. Now, my friend relocated and when I found her number, well which I thought was her number, it didn't have a name on it. I thought I saved it but knowing me I probably forgot. So I called it. When I heard a guy's voice, I automatically responded with "I'm sorry I got the wrong number". Other line said, "okay" and hung up

 

Literally after 10 min. did I realize it was him. That's when I became embarassed as well as disappointed with myself..My friend and his number area codes are similar. I deleted his number a long time ago, but I guess my Google+ saved, what I though was my new calls, my old calls instead of my new ones.

 

I hope to God this isn't breaking NC...Is it?

[Ordinaryday]

I hope to God this isn't breaking NC...Is it?

 

there's no hard and fast rule about what constitutes breaking NC.

 

like a lot of dumpees here often complain that "my ex texted me, why did she break NC" and it has to be explained to them that "your ex isnt in NC... you are... it's a one-way thing".

 

he may see it as you accidentally calling him... or he may see it as you 'accidentally' calling him to get a reaction.

 

you have no way of knowing. so just make sure it doesnt happen again, and move on.

[zen2475]

Breaking NC has more to do with intent. This was an accident. It happens.

[Moonborn]

I hope to God this isn't breaking NC...Is it?

 

It's not like if there was a fine for breaking no contact anyway. Don't be too upset over what happened, go on with your life and it will be alright.