So a husband created a spreadsheet documenting a lack of sex

[kaylan]

http://www.buzzfeed.com/robynwilder/a-man-emailed-his-wife-a-spreadsheet-that-logged-all-the-the

 

Read the story here.

 

This dude has a poor sex life with his wife, and though we dont know his side of the story, Im highly certain hes brought it up with her before. I dont think an excel file was his first time bringing it up with her. He sends her a spreadsheet to highlight the frequency in which they have sex, and she posts it to reddit.

 

Of course what follows is to be expected. Most of the women find a way to blame the man, and the men back up the husband. Many of the women are giving the guy flack for daring to even document their sex life. But lets be real...we all know its not uncommon for a husband or wife who is unhappy with their sex life to have their concerns brushed aside when they bring it up. Ive read and heard many stories of an unsatisfied husband or wife bringing this stuff up, and nothing changing. Plus I really get the feeling that the women commenting on the story wouldnt have a problem with the spreadsheet if it was an unsatisfied wife who created it.

 

I for one feel that marriages are about continuing support of one another emotionally, mentally, and physically. The marriage will suffer if all of these needs arent met. Yet somehow, whenever a man has problems with a lack of sex, many women on those discussion-type sites will find a way to blame that guy. I never see the same treatment when a wife is dealing with a husband who barely wants sex.

 

Given the amount of threads on this forum and others, highlighting the horrible sex lives some marriages have (months without sex, twice a year even) its a wonder to me that people still find ways to fault a spouse for daring to crave intimacy from their partner. I get sick of reading or hearing "marriage isnt just about sex". Well jee golly....youll never hear "marriage isnt just about emotional support" or "marriage isnt just about mental connection".

 

Somehow sexual intimacy, in many peoples minds, is given less importance as something to keep a relationship solid. Ive said it before and Ill say it again...a lack of physical intimacy is a reason to divorce. Same goes for a lack of emotional support, or a lack of mental connection. If you just dont click with your partner, sometimes it cant be fixed and you both have to find someone better for you.

 

I just get so sick and tired of seeing men (and women) shamed for wanting to feel desired and close to their partner. I actually have a female friend whos likely to go back out into the dating world, because the guy shes currently seeing doesnt make an effort to have sex with her much anymore. And she has broached the subject with him. Sometimes you just have to move on when things arent working.

 

Discuss

Edited July 22, 2014 by kaylan

[iiiii]

Well, I think his point was reasonable. I'm not sure if sending your partner a spreadsheet that tabulates all their excuses or deficiencies is the kindest or most thoughtful way to go about expressing your desire for more sex (or for anything else from your partner, for that matter), but I certainly don't think the guy deserved to be mocked for trying to bring up the issue in his own (weird) way.

 

I think physical (and emotional) intimacy is hugely important in life partnerships, and agree with you that lack of either can be a valid reason for divorce.

[Keenly]

I'm reading through the facebook comments.

 

 

So many women are just spouting off "really!? is that all he thinks she is good for!?"

 

 

And I'm sitting here putting myself in that situation. Seeing the woman I married, the woman I love, and wanting to be intimate with her. Getting shot down again, and again, and again, and again, and again. That really starts to wear on you after a while.

 

Especially when the excuses are utter BS, and are followed by actions that make the excuses worse, proving their invalidity.

 

Her posting it on reddit was pretty pathetic too.

[kaylan]

I could understand wanting to eat before sex...especially if your having serious hunger pangs...but she wanted to watch an episode of FRIENDS rather than have sex. And yet the women in the comments are defending her...and immediately assume the husband isnt making her feel wanted, loved, or romanced...so that must be why she wont have sex.

 

Come on now.

[HereNorThere]

http://www.buzzfeed.com/robynwilder/a-man-emailed-his-wife-a-spreadsheet-that-logged-all-the-the

 

Read the story here.

 

This dude has a poor sex life with his wife, and though we dont know his side of the story, Im highly certain hes brought it up with her before. I dont think an excel file was his first time bringing it up with her. He sends her a spreadsheet to highlight the frequency in which they have sex, and she posts it to reddit.

 

Of course what follows is to be expected. Most of the women find a way to blame the man, and the men back up the husband. Many of the women are giving the guy flack for daring to even document their sex life. But lets be real...we all know its not uncommon for a husband or wife who is unhappy with their sex life to have their concerns brushed aside when they bring it up. Ive read and heard many stories of an unsatisfied husband or wife bringing this stuff up, and nothing changing. Plus I really get the feeling that the women commenting on the story wouldnt have a problem with the spreadsheet if it was an unsatisfied wife who created it.

 

I for one feel that marriages are about continuing support of one another emotionally, mentally, and physically. The marriage will suffer if all of these needs arent met. Yet somehow, whenever a man has problems with a lack of sex, many women on those discussion-type sites will find a way to blame that guy. I never see the same treatment when a wife is dealing with a husband who barely wants sex.

 

Given the amount of threads on this forum and others, highlighting the horrible sex lives some marriages have (months without sex, twice a year even) its a wonder to me that people still find ways to fault a spouse for daring to crave intimacy from their partner. I get sick of reading or hearing "marriage isnt just about sex". Well jee golly....youll never hear "marriage isnt just about emotional support" or "marriage isnt just about mental connection".

 

Somehow sexual intimacy, in many peoples minds, is given less importance as something to keep a relationship solid. Ive said it before and Ill say it again...a lack of physical intimacy is a reason to divorce. Same goes for a lack of emotional support, or a lack of mental connection. If you just dont click with your partner, sometimes it cant be fixed and you both have to find someone better for you.

 

I just get so sick and tired of seeing men (and women) shamed for wanting to feel desired and close to their partner. I actually have a female friend whos likely to go back out into the dating world, because the guy shes currently seeing doesnt make an effort to have sex with her much anymore. And she has broached the subject with him. Sometimes you just have to move on when things arent working.

 

Discuss

 

My observation is that the problem usually lies between men and women having different sex drives. Women especially have ever changing sex drives due hormones and all kinds of feminine issues. Men, mostly lose it when they're depressed.

 

You don't get all of your needs met all of time, period. If it becomes a really bad medical issue or there is a deeper resentment and loss of attraction, that's a different story. It's really all about communication. Well communication and masturbation, lol.

[Keenly]

My observation is that the problem usually lies between men and women having different sex drives. Women especially have ever changing sex drives due hormones and all kinds of feminine issues. Men, mostly lose it when they're depressed.

 

You don't get all of your needs met all of time, period. If it becomes a really bad medical issue or there is a deeper resentment and loss of attraction, that's a different story. It's really all about communication. Well communication and masturbation, lol.

 

What happens when months, years go by without needs being met?

[jay1983]

This is depressing. Both the situation with the guy and what's in the comment section.

[Allumere]

as a woman who has had a failed marriage and now failed relationships it drives me nutz that she doesn't realise how many of us would killed to be desired.

[Keenly]

as a woman who has had a failed marriage and now failed relationships it drives me nutz that she doesn't realise how many of us would killed to be desired.

I know right?

 

She practically has to beat him off of her and she has absolutely no desire to reciprocate. It does not seem like she cares about his needs. and I mean in a non sexual way.

[kaylan]

as a woman who has had a failed marriage and now failed relationships it drives me nutz that she doesn't realise how many of us would killed to be desired.

EXACTLY.

 

And whats unnerving for me is all the women commenting on various sites about this story, casting judgment on the man. Its not all of the women, but definitely a lot. I know for a FACT that their tune would change if it was themselves or the wife dealing with being sexual rejection 90% of the time by their husband.

 

Some of the men and women bashing the husband dont seem to realize how damaging constant rejecting is to someone's self esteem and how it damages their love for their partner. Intimacy is important to ANY relationship...and being rejected physically, emotionally, or mentally, takes its toll.

[15yearsin]

I see a lot of talk about different sex drives, etc. however, I also think there more to it.

 

I am of the type that after I'm in a committed relationship, there is nothing that would keep me from satisfying my love, especially after I'm married. However, some are so sensitive that they are turned off and couldn't think of being intimate with their spouse because they did or said something disagreeable.

[jay1983]

Would you say she doesn't care for him or she's not attracted to him?

[jay1983]

Its not all of the women, but definitely a lot.

 

Looked like only 3 or 4 of them took his side.

[15yearsin]

Would you say she doesn't care for him or she's not attracted to him?

 

Good question. This could've been a woman making this excel spreadsheet just as much as a man. It happens. I wish someone could provide some insight to this rejection phenomenon.

[SmartDude]

 

This is really not that complicated.

 

You can't just demand sex because you are in a relationship. It does not work that way.

If you tell your partner you have not had sex for awhile and you are unhappy about it, This will set up a negative cycle....and then you will really not be having any sex.

 

Instead of trying to be fulfilling to your partner on a level that is more than just physical...You hand her a spreadsheet of all the times she denied you sex.

WHAT DO YOU THINK IS GOING TO HAPPEN HERE HMMMMM?

 

If you want good sex, don't ask: "when can we have sex?".

 

It is not that difficult to use a little imagination and fulfil the female fantasy. It does not have to be all sappy like on TV. One trick that I learned is that is if a woman is in a beautiful environment, sex is more likely. Change your bedroom...Put candles, scented oils, clean sheets. Make your bedroom look like a frickin spa retreat or something.

 

Don't be sitting there after a big meal, watching TV and farting...and then be like "uhhh ya so we gona have sex tonight or what?".

[lollipopspot]

I agree that this is a legitimate issue if either don't feel their needs are being met, and they need to deal with the sexual frequency issue since it's a problem for him. It looks like they have sex about every 2 weeks - maybe they could find a compromise.

 

But I think his way of going about it was in no way helpful.

 

“I open it up, and it’s a sarcastic diatribe basically saying he won’t miss me for the 10 days I’m gone,” the redditor said. “Attached is a SPREADSHEET of all the times he has tried to initiate sex since 1 June, with a column for my ‘excuses’, using verbatim quotes of why I didn’t feel like having sex at that very moment.

 

I can't even imagine someone running and typing exactly what I say into a spreadsheet and keeping score like that to throw at me later, and to have someone say that they won't miss me because I won't have sex with them (that must be the origin of people commenting 'is that all he thinks she's good for'). It's not that his needs aren't legitimate, but it's a terrible execution.

Edited July 22, 2014 by lollipopspot

[kaylan]

 

This is really not that complicated.

 

You can't just demand sex because you are in a relationship. It does not work that way.

If you tell your partner you have not had sex for awhile and you are unhappy about it, This will set up a negative cycle....and then you will really not be having any sex.

 

Instead of trying to be fulfilling to your partner on a level that is more than just physical...You hand her a spreadsheet of all the times she denied you sex.

WHAT DO YOU THINK IS GOING TO HAPPEN HERE HMMMMM?

 

If you want good sex, don't ask: "when can we have sex?".

 

It is not that difficult to use a little imagination and fulfil the female fantasy. It does not have to be all sappy like on TV. One trick that I learned is that is if a woman is in a beautiful environment, sex is more likely. Change your bedroom...Put candles, scented oils, clean sheets. Make your bedroom look like a frickin spa retreat or something.

 

Don't be sitting there after a big meal, watching TV and farting...and then be like "uhhh ya so we gona have sex tonight or what?".

Demand sex? Where was the husband demanding sex? Wheres the proof of this?

 

Dont be naive here. Its obvious this has been going on for some time if he decided he was fed up and needed to document things. How do you know he hasnt tried romancing her?

 

And are you new to online forums? There are guys who do EVERYTHING you mentioned and still dont get sex from their wives. There are men and women who go weeks and sometimes months without sex. Stop assuming the husband isnt doing what he needs to do.

 

A quick look through the loveshack sex or marriage forum will show you that sometimes the unsatisfied spouse simply has nothing they can do to get their partner interested in sex.

I agree that this is a legitimate issue if either don't feel their needs are being met, and they need to deal with the sexual frequency issue since it's a problem for him. It looks like they have sex about every 2 weeks - maybe they could find a compromise.

 

But I think his way of going about it was in no way helpful.

 

 

 

I can't even imagine someone running and typing exactly what I say into a spreadsheet and keeping score like that to throw at me later, and to have someone say that they won't miss me because I won't have sex with them (that must be the origin of people commenting 'is that all he thinks she's good for'). It's not that his needs aren't legitimate, but it's a terrible execution.

Why should someone miss a person who doesnt connect with them on an intimate level. When you neglect physical, or mental, or emotional intimacy...the relationship suffers. I wouldnt miss a person who left my mind, heart, or body unsatisfied.

 

Id be thinking of how to find a new partner.

Edited July 22, 2014 by kaylan

[Emilia]

I don't know anything about the couple's background but things must be pretty bad between them if he keeps a spreadsheet after asking every single day and she posts it on the internet. I'm assuming the lack of sex might be an indication of deeper issues (I'm assuming it often is, rather than just a mismatched sex drive).

 

My last ex had a lower sex drive than mine. I had to make the difficult decision to walk away. It wasn't a marriage but it was still hard. I think there are various solutions to this kind of thing before running up spreadsheets and internet publications become necessary. That's more about shaming each other than finding a solution.

[lollipopspot]

Why should someone miss a person who doesnt connect with them on an intimate level. When you neglect physical, or mental, or emotional intimacy...the relationship suffers. I wouldnt miss a person who left my mind, heart, or body unsatisfied.

 

I might not be satisfied sexually, but I could still miss their company and other ways that we relate.

 

Their marriage is probably too far gone in other ways though.

[Woggle]

I don't agree with the way he went about it but constant rejection wears on you. It's not all about sex but men who have been in trenches know that once desire goes everything goes along with it after that.

[D-Fens]

Thank you! I didn't see it.

[Els]

If he's doing stuff like this, it's pretty safe to say that actually solving the problem and saving his relationship isn't really top priority to him.

 

I don't really know who is 'at fault' (and in most cases it takes two to tango, so my guess would be 'both'), but I'm not feeling terribly much empathy for him.

[Woggle]

If he's doing stuff like this, it's pretty safe to say that actually solving the problem and saving his relationship isn't really top priority to him.

 

I don't really know who is 'at fault' (and in most cases it takes two to tango, so my guess would be 'both'), but I'm not feeling terribly much empathy for him.

 

It might have been at one time but after trying and trying some people just get fed up. I think that is probably where he is at.

[SummerDreams]

The only problem I find again is communication. We can't come to a right result cause we don't know these people and many things could be happening.

 

The possible defense of the woman: "My husband doesn't care about my sexual needs, he just cares about himself, he doesn't try to bring new things in the bedroom so he satisfies me, our sex life has become a routine, I want him to be more romantic, to show me he wants me, I want him to bring me flowers once in a while cause as we all know women's sex drive starts from the mind" etc etc

 

The possible defense of the man: "She never tells me what she likes, she wants me to find out myself what satisfies her and then she becomes frustrated when I can't, she doesn't seem to want me anymore, she always find excuses, she doesn't care for my needs, she is always tired" etc etc.

 

The problem is communication. This couple needs to discuss things thoroughly, share thoughts, feelings, emotions, truths and find a solution that satisfies both. A relationship is not a battle, a couple is in the same team and they have to fight together the worst enemy which is the routine.

[kaylan]

I don't know anything about the couple's background but things must be pretty bad between them if he keeps a spreadsheet after asking every single day and she posts it on the internet. I'm assuming the lack of sex might be an indication of deeper issues (I'm assuming it often is, rather than just a mismatched sex drive).

 

My last ex had a lower sex drive than mine. I had to make the difficult decision to walk away. It wasn't a marriage but it was still hard. I think there are various solutions to this kind of thing before running up spreadsheets and internet publications become necessary. That's more about shaming each other than finding a solution.

Tbh, with all the stories I read of intimacy and closeness taking a nosedive after dating a long time or marriage...it really makes me feel I will never take that walk down the aisle. It seems so pointless and risky. As a man I have so much to lose...and I like having the freedom to walk away if the relationship is failing. Why waste my time on counseling I know wont work...and why put myself through the hassles of divorce and court?

 

I just dont feel excited about marriage. I feel excited about the idea of meeting a girl I have crazy chemistry with. I look forward to the possibility of meeting a woman who will really love me. But I could do without the marriage part.

 

Im a very different guy than who I was 5 years ago. I used to really look forward to falling in love, living together, and getting married. But reality has set in after failed relationships and seeing how marriages really work around me. Seems the truly fulfilling marriages are quite rare.

 

I couldnt deal with a lack of intimacy for weeks or months at a time. And this isnt just about sex either. And big problem I had with my ex, is that at times I felt like she didnt really know me, and didnt really love me. Granted we did get physical a lot, but that didnt make our problems go away.

 

I couldnt imagine how much worse things would have been if we had a sex problem too.

Edited July 22, 2014 by kaylan