Wife had an affair with my friend and it gets worse

[Clay]

I think there are only two things at this point that will give you peace of mind. One is a DNA test. The other is a Divorce Decree. Your going to find out you cant fix a cheater. As bad as you think your life is now it does get better. No one deserves what you are going through.

 

 

I am truly sorry for what you are going through.

[HereNorThere]

You are projecting and making an awful lot of diagnosis without anything to back this claim. The OP knows his wife well. So well he knew she cheated without a confession. He has known her a long time. He really doesn't need these unfounded accusations thrown at his wife. Her cheating in a short period of time so long ago doesn't make her deranged. It makes her human. And humans make poor choices at times. And they make errors in their judgement which is also called a mistake. Your complete ignorance on rape victims makes me discredit any "knowledable" think you have to say because you are obviously sharin obly your opinion and not fact and making up "facts" to drive your point home.

 

 

There's no diagnosis there. I simply asked the OP to look up the diagnostic criteria for BPD because he has described several of the symptoms. Notice how I said "bpd traits" not "she's a borderline".

 

If you told me you cut your foot and it was turning colors, I'd suggest looking that up too, just to make sure you don't have a msra infection.

 

I actually have a background in psychology (I am not a psychologist) and think it's really important to never label someone who doesn't have BPD with BPD, because quite honestly, I'd rather have OPs illness than BPD. That's a label that will follow you for the rest of your life. Most therapist refuse to work with borderlines in the first place and consider it incurable. (since the introduction of Marsha Lineman's DBT therapy, some therapists are reconsidering this and the ICD has even renamed borderline personality order to emotional unstable disorder because of the stigma)

 

The rape, sure, traumatic events happen to people and if this happened to her, it's a very bad thing. I highly doubt it's as bad as being diagnosed with a terminal illness like OP, but it's pretty bad. OP didn't go out and try to make himself feel better about his illness by destroying his family though. With that being said, I doubt you'll get anyone to disagree with rape being horrible thing, but he can't believe a word his wife says because she lies. She does, she's been doing it for years, from the time she woke up until the time she went to bed. So the rape thing may or may not have happened. If it did, I feel really bad for her, but it's just not part of this and using it as an excuse will only enable her to act poorly in the future when something else traumatic happens to her.

 

I think it may be easier to project your feelings into this matter and empathize/sympathize with OPs wife because you have cheated on your spouse. However, even though I don't agree with the way you handled your situation, I'm not sitting here calling you out on it. Also, if his wife handled sleeping with other people outside of the marriage like you did, it would be a totally different story. From your story, it seems like you offered up a confession within a somewhat reasonable time frame and made amends.

 

If OPs wife put as much effort into reconciliation as you did, I would have more sympathy for her. Still, doesn't change the fact the he is hurt, sick, humiliated, betrayed and trusted a person for years when he shouldn't have. That's not something that waywards have to deal, that's on the BS and since you were on the other side of the fence, you may have a harder time realizing how devastating it really is.

Edited July 21, 2014 by HereNorThere

[DKT3]

So no one thinks this is salvageable? No room for forgiveness? Is it because she lied for so long? Other marriages seem to survive infidelity. I can't be the first person who's spouse has covered up an affair for many years out of fear.

 

I know staying may hurt but just seems honorable to me.

 

Salvageable? Yes, of course.

 

But until your wife is totally open and honest your just spinning your wheels.

 

My wife had an affair, I did a lot of the things your doing now, had many of the same emotions and got nothing from her. I plead, reasoned, begged nothing got a response. After six months I gave up and started focusing on me and looking for the off ramp in that marriage. The emotional distance started to shake her. Then doom she was served with divorce papers. After that all the flood gates opened, she wanted to tell me everything in a last ditch effort to save what was too broken to save.

 

After we divorced she started to work on herself as did I. All that is posted here already. So long story short after five years we are together again. I'm sure that isn't what you want. If I had known then what I know now I would have took a hard line right from the start.

[atreides]

OP,

 

Great advise here, BUT... one thing you must do on your own is make the decision to reconcile this or move on. You are the only one that will live with that decision.

 

That said, IF you decide to reconcile, you need to set every boundary and guideline that helps get you to where you need to be. You must be uncompromising with this or it wont work. Remember, she brought this on herself and did this too you in the time you needed her support the most.

 

If she simply does not want to comply with your requests... then you have her answer. No amount of excuses she gives or illogically uses marital problems or the rape as deflection... cheating is its own island and solely resides with in the person to remedy. It has nothing to do with outside influence.

 

I would have divorce papers drawn up to back your requests as divorce can always be stopped at any time.

 

Again best of luck and so sorry.

[Quiet Storm]

Don't give up on your marriage if she wants to try. Your kids are better off with you together. If she is messed up inside, your presence in the home at least gives you some control over your children's lives. You can be a buffer between her issues and the kids, and they need that protection from you.

 

My sister is Borderline and while she has told many lies, the story about being molested at age 5 was true. She also waited until her abuser died to tell. We hoped it was another one of her lies, until a few cousins of mine also admitted to being victims. All these girls kept the secret, and all were around him at family functions. Another poster mentioned BPD, which often stems from real sexual abuse (not lies), so I would not discount her admission. It seems illogical to us that a victim could be around her abuser, but this behavior isn't based in logic. Her response to him was likely based in fear, detachment and denial.

 

I think your wife has a lot of issues and I am in no way excusing her choice to cheat. Nor am I saying you don't have the right to divorce her for this betrayal. I just think that your kids will likely have the best outcome if you work on keeping the family together. I think your kids will benefit if you support your wife and remain at home while she works on becoming emotionally healthy.