Wife had an affair with my friend and it gets worse

[HereNorThere]

Ya I told her what she did was a form of abuse. I have supported this family on my own by working full time with a disability for the last 9 years, its taking a terrible toll on my body. I just don't know if I can believe she hasn't had any other affairs. If she can do this once and lie about it. Just to clarify she is saying this only happened once 9 years ago it wasn't an on going affair.

 

Yeah, but at this point, she has lied to you way more than she's told the truth. That's reason enough to not trust a word she says. It takes a special kind of bad person to cheat on their spouse while they are ill. You have to look at the big picture about her character. Cheating (with your friend, which is even worse) lying about it for years, blameshifting her mistakes on traumatic events on the past. Refusing the poly (not saying you should even make her take it, but the refusal would bother me). I mean, what kind of person does it take to cheat while they have another man's child inside of them?

 

Take the emotion out of the picture, set it on a shelf (don't worry, it will still be there) and think about what's really going on. Don't rationalize, make excuses, nothing. Just hold the pure, raw disgusting nature of her being with another man. Think about every time she lied about it. Think about the look on her face when you KNOW she's being dishonest with you and how that makes you feel.

 

Now, think about feeling that way for the rest of your life because that's what you are risking staying with a dangerous, abusive, stone cold person.

[HereNorThere]

If I am being brutally honest with myself, I would rather be with a beautiful, lying, cheater than be alone. I know my love for her is completely irrational. My self esteem has be ground into the dirt. I feel like being a person with this terrible disease, no one else would want me. I think I know how those battered spouses keep making excuses for their partner, it won't happen again. It was my fault kinda thing.

 

That my friend, is the very definition of co-dependency, but hey, I think you're allowed to be a little dependent on your spouse. No, you shouldn't stay with an abuser just because you're afraid to be alone. Instead, be afraid of feeling like this for the rest of your life. You really think you have a shot at be healthy when your relationship is making sicker than your real illness?

 

No excuses, it's not your fault, she's pretty crappy, you'll either have to live with it, or you can roll the dice on an almost certainly better future. Roll that dice, buddy.

[Bryanp]

Are you saying that you would rather be with a lying cheating spouse who puts your health at risk for STD's than being alone? Are you saying that it would be acceptable to you to have sex with a spouse knowing that there is a possibility that she was with her lover earlier that day? If the answer is yes then this will end very very badly for you. Your wife does not respect you. If you do not respect yourself then who will? It is sad that you believe that you are worth so little.

[Chi townD]

I don't think I need to worry about my friend too much. The day after the affair he called my wife to say that what they did was very wrong and he didn't want to break up our marriage. We haven't seen or heard from him since that time. He has since gotten re-married and started a family. I texted him last week to confront and coroberat the story. He said he was very sorry he betrayed me. He said his own wifes infidelity at the time took him to a very dark place. I told him that he is never to contact our family and if he sees us in public - walk the other way.

 

As far as a DNA test for my oldest child. I had thought about it but I'm 99.9% sure he is mine. He is my little clone right down to the exact same eye glasses prescription. The friend and my wife don't wear glasses. My wife says they used a condom. I know that my wife and I were still having regular sex during that time, so I really don't doubt he is my child.

 

She has shown alot of remorse and wants to make things work, so divorce is off the table for now. I have full access to her phone and email. She says she will make sure she is never alone with a man again just so there can't even be the perception that something is going on.

 

 

Don't care, dude! Get a DNA test anyway.

[Chi townD]

I suggested a poly test and she flew into a fit about it. Saying if she had to take one so would I. I laughed because I have nothing to hide. Then she said those things aren't accurate.

 

Maybe I am in denial, this just doesn't seem like the person I married. I've know her for 20 years, we grew up together. Its solo hard to deal with

 

 

LOL! Yep! You have your answer right there! It wasn't just the one time. It was an ongoing thing. More reason to get that DNA test.

 

 

She can get pissed all she wants, she caused this, you didn't.

[HereNorThere]

LOL! Yep! You have your answer right there! It wasn't just the one time. It was an ongoing thing. More reason to get that DNA test.

 

 

She can get pissed all she wants, she caused this, you didn't.

 

I'm with everyone else on the DNA test. You can do it privately with a kit from your local drug store and she nor your daughter will ever know you did it. You have every right to protect yourself in a situation like this and you can't trust a word she says.

[Now What 2014]

Yes, I feel worthless at this point. Since this has been going on so long, I really wonder what a healthy relationship would look like.

[DKT3]

She is lying, I think that most BS's here that has been down this road will tell you. The first "story" is just that, a story. The truth is much worse.

 

Stick to your guns, make her take the poly and be ready for some TT. I guess is if she knows your serious about the poly she will tell you more. Stick to the poly, the closer it gets the more you will get. If she wants you to take one agree. If she claims she will leave before she will take one, say bye bye. Its a bluff, if she was willing and ready to leave, she would have nothing to lose by telling you the truth.

 

Bottom line is waywards respond to actions not empty words.

[HereNorThere]

Yes, I feel worthless at this point. Since this has been going on so long, I really wonder what a healthy relationship would look like.

 

That tears my heart out. Look, you don't have to feel this way forever, but something does have to change. Take comfort in your friends and family, make appointments for therapy, let your primary care (specialist) doctor know what happened to you, so they can adjust your medicine accordingly.

Google "lolcats" and look at funny internet cat pictures, have a beer, do anything and everything you possibly can to remind yourself that you are your own person with your own life. I know it's hard, but you have to push through it. Just like your illness, you can't let it break you.

 

You don't have to wonder what a healthy relationship would look like, just imagine yours, but opposite. Less worry, less anxiety, less your wife sleeping with other people while you are in a battle for your life.

[Now What 2014]

Regarding the DNA tests for our kids, she said go ahead, she guarantees they are all mine and isn't remotely concerned. She also agreed to the poly, however she seems angry about that. I don't have an extra $1000 sitting around right now for all these tests though. I know some of you will say I can't afford not to.

 

What if the poly supports her story and she is telling the truth and the DNA results show all the kids are mine. Then should I stay - I really want to. I just want to leave room for the possibility she is now telling me the whole truth.

[HereNorThere]

Regarding the DNA tests for our kids, she said go ahead, she guarantees they are all mine and isn't remotely concerned. She also agreed to the poly, however she seems angry about that. I don't have an extra $1000 sitting around right now for all these tests though. I know some of you will say I can't afford not to.

 

What if the poly supports her story and she is telling the truth and the DNA results show all the kids are mine. Then should I stay - I really want to. I just want to leave room for the possibility she is now telling me the whole truth.

 

DNA test are less than 100 dollars at Walgreens or online. Personally, I wouldn't care about the polygraph anyway. She lied to you this long, so that means she capable of such a thing and that's a deal breaker to most mentally healthy people.

 

Even if she technically only had one relationship, she still lied to you all these years about it and that's enough. You have to do something to get your confidence back, because she zapped every little bit from you. You are not worthless, your illness does not make you less lovable, and there is someone out there for you that isn't going to abandon you when you need them.

 

Do you really want to stay or do you really just not want to hurt anymore? Because I can tell you from experience, staying is still going hurt, maybe even worse.

Edited July 21, 2014 by HereNorThere

[Now What 2014]

So no one thinks this is salvageable? No room for forgiveness? Is it because she lied for so long? Other marriages seem to survive infidelity. I can't be the first person who's spouse has covered up an affair for many years out of fear.

 

I know staying may hurt but just seems honorable to me.

[HereNorThere]

So no one thinks this is salvageable? No room for forgiveness? Is it because she lied for so long? Other marriages seem to survive infidelity. I can't be the first person who's spouse has covered up an affair for many years out of fear.

 

Yeah, you should definitely forgive her, for yourself, not her.

 

This isn't infidelity. This is a long term deception (and c'mon, we all know you are getting trickle truthed, but whatever) on a partner with a serious medical condition (with his friend, while she pregnant).

 

Ever wonder why every other politician has affairs, but when John Edwards did it to his wife with cancer, he dropped off the political radar super fast. Why? Because that's no longer just getting your joliies, that's abuse. Keep in mind, your life may one day be her in her hands.

 

MAYBE, even she finally came clean about everything, offered to pay for the poly, started long term, intensive therapy, maybe... maybe.. but until she's done a ton of work, at the very least you can't trust her.

[Now What 2014]

Wow when you say it like that, it really hits home. I have been abused in the worst way.

 

 

She has stated that she wants long term therapy and admitted she is really messed up inside. If you knew her whole story about what has happened in her life maybe she would get more sympathy. She was abused and abandoned as a child and had to deal with the death of her brother when she was a kid. The only person that she said ever listened to her and cared about her before me.

 

I don't want to make excuses for her behavior anymore. She did a terrible thing to me. I do need a little break or at least some one on one therapy without her in the room.

[HereNorThere]

Wow when you say it like that, it really hits home. I have been abused in the worst way.

 

 

She has stated that she wants long term therapy and admitted she is really messed up inside. If you knew her whole story about what has happened in her life maybe she would get more sympathy. She was abused and abandoned as a child and had to deal with the death of her brother when she was a kid. The only person that she said ever listened to her and cared about her before me.

 

I don't want to make excuses for her behavior anymore. She did a terrible thing to me. I do need a little break or at least some one on one therapy without her in the room.

 

Now you're talkin, buddy! Start searching right now for psychotherapist, psychologist or psychiatrist and even a good buddy to talk to. Make some PLANS to go out for a nice dinner, go buy yourself a new shirt. YOU are going to have to make it through this, not her. She had years to deal with it, you didn't. You need YOUR life back, independent of her, even if temporarily. You don't have to make a decisions about her right now, but you do have to make some for yourself.

 

P.S. - From personal experience, if you don't like your first counselor, go to someone else. Hell, google "Skype Therapist" and there are a TON of licensed therapists online that are cheap, private and some even offering the first session for free.

[Now What 2014]

Thanks for the advice herenorthere. I needed this.

[HereNorThere]

Wow when you say it like that, it really hits home. I have been abused in the worst way.

 

 

She has stated that she wants long term therapy and admitted she is really messed up inside. If you knew her whole story about what has happened in her life maybe she would get more sympathy. She was abused and abandoned as a child and had to deal with the death of her brother when she was a kid. The only person that she said ever listened to her and cared about her before me.

 

I don't want to make excuses for her behavior anymore. She did a terrible thing to me. I do need a little break or at least some one on one therapy without her in the room.

 

 

Do you know what borderline personality disorder is? You should look it up and if you think your wife might have some of the traits. Borderlines usually stem from a background of abandonment and trauma early in life and usually have a lifetime of stories about how they were abused, raped, etc. not all of which are true. Most have major issues with impulse control (hence they are known to be cheaters, especially the histrionic subset) It's the "I hate you, please don't leave me" disease.

[ForeverTainted]

OP, Don't let others push you around. Those on here who project way too much on your situation or your wife. It does sound like you have some self worth issues and she does too.

 

If this was a two time incident that happen that long ago then put yourself in her shoes for a moment. She screwed up in the worst way and then carried this secret with her. Then she was raped and carried that because she felt she deserved it. Despite what those ignorant about rape have said on her is very common. As is being around that person after the fact. People are making up stuff about how a rape victim behaves to prove their point and that isn't right. There was little chance to none of you discovering the affair so the rape story being the cover makes no sense except to the harsh judges here who leave rational thought at the door.

 

You can look at it as her lying to you for all this time or her, however misguided, protecting you and herself from more pain. As a wife who confessed there have been times I wished I could have swallowed the guilt and kept silent never to do such a thing again. But i remind myself honesty is truly best. But I know the temptation of everything done.

 

If you love her and want to keep your family together. Ignore those that belittle and judge your wife with their own projections. Get yourself into counselling and your wife too. And start marriage counselling. You made vows for better or for worse and have a family. If she is repentive and willing to work on herself and you develop your own self worth you may yet have a wonderful life. Cheating doesn't have to be the end.

[GorillaTheater]

Now you're talkin, buddy! Start searching right now for psychotherapist, psychologist or psychiatrist and even a good buddy to talk to. Make some PLANS to go out for a nice dinner, go buy yourself a new shirt. YOU are going to have to make it through this, not her. She had years to deal with it, you didn't. You need YOUR life back, independent of her, even if temporarily. You don't have to make a decisions about her right now, but you do have to make some for yourself.

 

P.S. - From personal experience, if you don't like your first counselor, go to someone else. Hell, google "Skype Therapist" and there are a TON of licensed therapists online that are cheap, private and some even offering the first session for free.

 

I'll second this. The best thing you can do at this point is take the focus off of your wife and marriage and focus on your life. Get the help you need, work out, eat well, rediscover hobbies or explore new ones, reconnect with friends and make new ones, etc. Get yourself squared away mentally, physically and emotionally.

 

By the time you get to a healthy place to make wise decisions, I suspect the answer to the question of what to do with your marriage will be pretty self-evident.

[ForeverTainted]

Do you know what borderline personality disorder is? You should look it up and if you think your wife might have some of the traits. Borderlines usually stem from a background of abandonment and trauma early in life and usually have a lifetime of stories about how they were abused, raped, etc. not all of which are true. Most have major issues with impulse control (hence they are known to be cheaters, especially the histrionic subset) It's the "I hate you, please don't leave me" disease.

 

You are projecting and making an awful lot of diagnosis without anything to back this claim. The OP knows his wife well. So well he knew she cheated without a confession. He has known her a long time. He really doesn't need these unfounded accusations thrown at his wife. Her cheating in a short period of time so long ago doesn't make her deranged. It makes her human. And humans make poor choices at times. And they make errors in their judgement which is also called a mistake. Your complete ignorance on rape victims makes me discredit any "knowledable" think you have to say because you are obviously sharin obly your opinion and not fact and making up "facts" to drive your point home.

[HereNorThere]

OP, Don't let others push you around. Those on here who project way too much on your situation or your wife. It does sound like you have some self worth issues and she does too.

 

If this was a two time incident that happen that long ago then put yourself in her shoes for a moment. She screwed up in the worst way and then carried this secret with her. Then she was raped and carried that because she felt she deserved it. Despite what those ignorant about rape have said on her is very common. As is being around that person after the fact. People are making up stuff about how a rape victim behaves to prove their point and that isn't right. There was little chance to none of you discovering the affair so the rape story being the cover makes no sense except to the harsh judges here who leave rational thought at the door.

 

You can look at it as her lying to you for all this time or her, however misguided, protecting you and herself from more pain. As a wife who confessed there have been times I wished I could have swallowed the guilt and kept silent never to do such a thing again. But i remind myself honesty is truly best. But I know the temptation of everything done.

 

If you love her and want to keep your family together. Ignore those that belittle and judge your wife with their own projections. Get yourself into counselling and your wife too. And start marriage counselling. You made vows for better or for worse and have a family. If she is repentive and willing to work on herself and you develop your own self worth you may yet have a wonderful life. Cheating doesn't have to be the end.

 

I couldn't agree more. The best thing OP can do is look at what others have posted in different threads to get a better idea of the type of person they are and what they are capable of.

 

Personally, it would be hard for some like myself to project these feelings because I've never cheated on someone while there was an illness in my family, but for others, they may have an easier time doing that.

[whichwayisup]

This is your life and your marriage. If you want to forgive her, then do so but GO TO MARRIAGE COUNSELLING and make it clear to your wife that if she cheats on you again and has an affair, there's no 3rd chance. It's divorce time automatically.

 

If you feel she is genuinely sorry for her bad and selfish choice to cheat on you and she is willing to do everything necessary to make it up to you, to work with you to fix herself and the marriage, then give her a chance. See how it goes. No final decision has to be made today, tomorrow or next month.

 

It takes two to want to fix and rebuild a marriage after infidelity. Some marriages continue on even stronger, some don't.

[ForeverTainted]

I couldn't agree more. The best thing OP can do is look at what others have posted in different threads to get a better idea of the type of person they are and what they are capable of.

 

Personally, it would be hard for some like myself to project these feelings because I've never cheated on someone while there was an illness in my family, but for others, they may have an easier time doing that.

 

I would say he would do better to look around the real world not the internet where there is no way of knowing what truly happened. If he opens up to his friends and families. The ones he know won't gossip he may find infidelity has touched far more people than he knows. And if he finds a marriage counsellor who is experienced in infidelity he will get a lot of first hand accounts.

[HereNorThere]

I would say he would do better to look around the real world not the internet where there is no way of knowing what truly happened. If he opens up to his friends and families. The ones he know won't gossip he may find infidelity has touched far more people than he knows. And if he finds a marriage counsellor who is experienced in infidelity he will get a lot of first hand accounts.

 

I agree about the therapy, friends and family part, but ummm, just remember, it was his friends and family that did this to him, so maybe therapy is his best bet. Also, I think people here are more honest on the internets than they are IRL. I'm am simply amazed at what people are willing to admit on here actually. Amazed, and sick at the same time.

 

Being a scientist, I think it's more important to look at what people are capable of, not what they are currently doing because it shows how they will cope with things when they get rough. This man has some rough road ahead of him and he needs a strong, honest, stable partner who he can trust with his life or making decisions about his life.

Edited July 21, 2014 by HereNorThere

[Chi townD]

So no one thinks this is salvageable? No room for forgiveness? Is it because she lied for so long? Other marriages seem to survive infidelity. I can't be the first person who's spouse has covered up an affair for many years out of fear.

 

I know staying may hurt but just seems honorable to me.

 

 

Your marriage is ONLY salvageable when your wife is completely honest, transparent and remorseful. I think you know, deep down, you're not getting the full story from her. There should be no secrets in a marriage.

 

 

As far as if the poly shows that she's being honest and the DNA comes back as yours, then great!! There's your piece of mind and a foundation to build from.