"Happy couple"-picture on Facebook

[Lostinlife4now]

This comment.....coming after Gollum's radical and heartbreaking honesty in her account of being betrayed by her H, and their epic struggle to reconcile......this comment caused my jaw to drop from its lack of empathy and its casual, cutting dismissal of a life-threatening crisis affecting a fellow human being. Please reconsider your statement, especially in juxtaposition to Gollum's account, which I can only hope was inadvertent.

 

Back to the OP: As most responders have pointed out, you're worried about something that is not properly your concern. You may as well object to the way your neighbors cook dinner or the car your coworker drives. Glad you're NC now; that, and living well, really is the best revenge. Post here whenever you need to in the days, weeks, and months ahead. There will be bad days I'm sure, but the trend will be positive as long as you avoid returning to that poisoned well (i.e. any contact incl. indirect methods like FB). Hugs and best wishes.

 

 

Unfortunately SoleMate....

 

That's what MM do. They get their Marriage back in a inhabitable place...and then bammmmm they are off again looking for a new OW. It's just the way it is. 9 times out of 10.....they will cheat again.

 

I remember a looooooonnnnnnnggggggggg time ago, when I was the OW, xMM said to me don't worry if she finds out....we will just go deeper underground.....

[Scorpio Chick]

I have zero respect for married women that stay with cheaters and then try to "stick it" to the OW while being super nice to their cheating loser husbands

 

ME TOO! I don't understand why I feel that way, but I do. I think part of it is that it teaches the cheater that it's okay. He got taught that there are women that will put up with being the sidechick and getting crumbs, while HE basks in all the goodies from his deceived wife and the other woman. It's very disgusting, and if someone doesn't really feel disgusted by that outrageous spoiled behavior, they need to stop and think about the cheating married man, and how deceptive he's being SOLELY FOR HIS OWN pleasure.

 

I wish married women that caught their husbands cheating would kick them to the curb, take them to court and play hard ball. AND that the other woman would go complete and eternal contact on his lying ass.

[purplesorrow]

ME TOO! I don't understand why I feel that way, but I do. I think part of it is that it teaches the cheater that it's okay. He got taught that there are women that will put up with being the sidechick and getting crumbs, while HE basks in all the goodies from his deceived wife and the other woman. It's very disgusting, and if someone doesn't really feel disgusted by that outrageous spoiled behavior, they need to stop and think about the cheating married man, and how deceptive he's being SOLELY FOR HIS OWN pleasure.

 

I wish married women that caught their husbands cheating would kick them to the curb, take them to court and play hard ball. AND that the other woman would go complete and eternal contact on his lying ass.

 

I read and like a lot of your post. This has me curious, would you be an ow again?

[Hope Shimmers]

I caught my H of 29 years with the OW. In bed. Eight months ago. I have PTSD from the shock of it all. It was by far the most devastating event in my life. It was worse than losing a child in the second trimester. It was worse than losing any family member, other than my ds, to death.

 

It took a couple of weeks but we decided to try to reconcile. It has been the best 8 months of my marriage and the worst 8 months of my marriage. We have literally cried every.single.day since November about the affair. We have also loved each other more each day than we have in 29 years, physically and emotionally.

 

We are busting our asses off to not only reconcile this marriage but to redeem it. We are doing everything we can think of to fix the problems we had that led to the affair. We are reading books together. We are in marriage counseling. We have turned to our family and friends as partners and they have been amazing. I have listened to the issues he had in the marriage and have taken huge steps to really hear what he has to say and do the things I can to show him I care. He has done the same for me. Everyday we have done the work. It has not been easy.

 

He swears he loves me more than he ever thought he could. Trust me, I have broken almost all of the pottery and dishes in the house in anger. I have left him, then returned when he begged me to. I have told him to leave and go to the OW but he refuses to go. At the end of each day, we love each other and continue to work on this with all of our strength.

 

As to FB. At first I removed him from the cover photo and my profile picture. I stopped posting about him. Quite frankly some days the only positive thing we could do was lay on the sofa with the sun streaming in on us. The hurt was so bad there was nothing positive to posta about.

 

Gradually, there have been moments of happiness returning to our days. i.e: We learned to dance for our son's wedding. Our son caught a photo of a happy moment of us dancing in our kitchen. I posted it on our FB page as a spark of hope.

 

Some days we couldn't talk about the A one more moment so we would go to the nearby park and hike, mostly, in a companionable silence. I posted pictures of those days as a sign of hope.

 

We went away for a weekend to just breathe. In the pictures of me I can see the devastation the A wreaked on me physically - I lost 20 pounds in a month, my face looks haggard, I lost a lot of hair. But I smiled that weekend, truly smiled for probably the first time in 3 months. I posted those pictures to show that maybe, just maybe, there is a future for us.

 

I posted those pictures for me and for our son - who knows of the affair yet has shown the most amazing amount of love to both of us. I posted them for our family in the midwest and on the west coast who also know of the affair and have loved us unconditionally and prayed for us everyday. I posted them for our friends, his and mine, who although VERY pissed at first, want nothing more than for us to succeed. They call, they stop by, they check in, they listen, they do anything to help us make it.

 

I didn't post those pictures because of the OW. She was a friend of mine. Neither of us want her in our life in any way, shape or form. I have blocked her and her entire family on FB. Could she see my page if she really wanted to? I suppose she could find a way. If she is hurt by stalking me via my FB page, that is on her.

 

My advice? Find someone that loves you, just you. Build the life you want that doesn't hurt you or anybody else. Affairs are devastating. I won't lie. I considered suicide because of what happened between my H and the OW. You don't want to be a part of that kind of situation. Live a life out of the shadows, one you can celebrate in the light of day. Your life will be so much better for it. I wish you only the best.

 

I am a former OW. This is one of the best posts I have read here.

[Lady2163]

Background story: Met XMM over a year ago. Had an A for some months until he ended it to "figure out what to do". We had NC and broke it several times and started to see eachother again during spring.

 

He's still confused and needs time to think, he says, but I know he'll never leave. So now we're NC again. Well..today I went on Facebook and saw that his W has put a picture of them posing like a happy couple as her profile picture. She never posted pictures like that before. I'm disgusted..and mostly sad. Are they really a happy couple? Is it just a show off, because things aren't going great?

 

I'm also angry. I want to text him and say something really mean. But mostly I'm just hurting so much..

 

First off, I believe it is human nature to check these things. Ever go looking for someone from high school or grade school to friend on Facebook?

 

Secondly, as far as "contact" is concerned this is pretty mild. Breaking no contact should mean a back and forth or some kind of reciprocal communication.

 

It isn't even stalking by definition. That word gets thrown around a lot on here.

 

Is it mentally healthy? Not so much. Particularly your reaction.

 

You know he is never leaving. As far as she knows they are happy.

 

Do you want him to be miserable every minute he isn't with you or talking to you? Should he be brooding in his garage, working on some project and sulking because he isn't with you? Are you miserable every second without him?

 

That isn't love.

 

I'm an OW. Even by affair standards ours is strange. The only way things continue is if he and she are happy at home.

[HermioneG]

ME TOO! I don't understand why I feel that way, but I do. I think part of it is that it teaches the cheater that it's okay. He got taught that there are women that will put up with being the sidechick and getting crumbs, while HE basks in all the goodies from his deceived wife and the other woman. It's very disgusting, and if someone doesn't really feel disgusted by that outrageous spoiled behavior, they need to stop and think about the cheating married man, and how deceptive he's being SOLELY FOR HIS OWN pleasure.

 

I wish married women that caught their husbands cheating would kick them to the curb, take them to court and play hard ball. AND that the other woman would go complete and eternal contact on his lying ass.

 

In my experience, the couples that end up successfully reconciling are usually ( not always, but usually ) the couples where the betrayed partner hands the waywards their ass, their keys, and shows them the door. You need to know you can end the marriage.

 

I know I packed his crap and and told him to go be with the OW. And he was not allowed back in our house for six months, and in those six months, he worked very hard on himself.

 

I don't think he learned that he could get away with it. I think it was the opposite. Both families knew. Our kids knew. It was a mess. He caused it.

 

I can understand if someone takes a cheating spouse back and rugsweeps and nothing ever changes ( actually? IRL right now I am watching a friend who will not listen to me or anyone do exactly this), how it would appear they got away with it.

 

But in a successful reconciliation, that's just not the dynamic. Thank Maude.

[snappytomcat]

In my experience, the couples that end up successfully reconciling are usually ( not always, but usually ) the couples where the betrayed partner hands the waywards their ass, their keys, and shows them the door. You need to know you can end the marriage.

 

I know I packed his crap and and told him to go be with the OW. And he was not allowed back in our house for six months, and in those six months, he worked very hard on himself.

 

I don't think he learned that he could get away with it. I think it was the opposite. Both families knew. Our kids knew. It was a mess. He caused it.

 

I can understand if someone takes a cheating spouse back and rugsweeps and nothing ever changes ( actually? IRL right now I am watching a friend who will not listen to me or anyone do exactly this), how it would appear they got away with it.

 

But in a successful reconciliation, that's just not the dynamic. Thank Maude.

exactly I kicked his ass out and told him to go be with the ow,but he begged and begged for months for me to come home,after a few mc sessions I did,and im no doormat

[AmyBamy]

I keep my social media accounts locked down and have no desire at all to see hers. I can pretty much imagine what she says and does on hers after seeing how she acts in public. There are a couple of things on my accounts that are purposely public - otherwise, she can't see anything on my page unless she uses someone elses account. I never look at hers. I know it wouldn't give me any truth, only her distorted view of the world, so why bother? I've heard enough of her perspective, and it's weird and out of sync with everything honest and real.

 

I'm glad you ended it if that is what you wanted to do, but I think you would be doing yourself a huge favor to just not even bother with her. Why is she important to you? If you feel that she could shed light on something about YOUR relationship with your AP, I'm just going to tell you, she won't, they never do. They get catty and defensive and blinded to what the marriage was like once they decide that they are going to hold onto it come hell or high water, even if nobody wanted to be in it before that anyway. Something about someone else wanting your husband when you don't that seems to make some women especially NEED that very husband all of a sudden. It distorts everything for them and renders them incapable of being realistic or rational or reasonable.

[I'mNotYours]

I'm sorry but where did the OP reveal that the wife knew of their affair?

 

She didn't which means your comment is a gross presumption. The OP was stalking the wife's FB profile and saw the picture. She's at fault NOT the wife.

 

I haven't read many threads on here nor have met many women who've been cheated on who continue to be "super nice to their cheating husbands". That's another gross presumption.

 

What I have seen from SOME women who've found out about their husband's infidelities are women who, for whatever reason, what to still work things out. That doesn't mean they haven't torn a strip off their wayward hubbies or made their life a living hell because they have. That kind of information isn't exactly something anyone looks forward to especially when there is a family at stake.

 

And what IF the wife wants to "stick it to the OW"? Give me a break.

 

Personally, I don't think there is any room for the OW to judge how a jaded wife deals with the betrayal. The OW checked her moral compass at the door when she chose to engage in such deceit in the first place.

 

As far as I'm concerned, both the OW and the MM deserve what they get.

 

Karma is a sweet bitch.

 

But what do you actually think that karma did to the MM? Did he get punished? If yes, how?

 

I feel like the loser here. He hasn't lost anything. His wife hasn't lost anything. She could have, but she didn't. She still has a marriage and a husband in her bed every night. She can still take pictures of them together. I don't feel sorry for her..I envy her.

 

I've lost a man I thought was the love of my life. A man who gave me more than any other man ever had. He was the only man I've ever been in love with.

 

And yes, I do feel sorry for myself. I don't understand why I had to meet him. I've gotten a lot of wisdom from the A, but I'm still alone. And I want to grieve. I want to miss him and that dream I had about us. I love him and I don't like being angry with him. But it had to end.

 

It was my fault that I stalked her profile and saw the picture. But would it be different if I hadn't? Would he be less married? No. Seeing that picture was a confrontation with the reality. Maybe their marriage is **** and they had a row right after..maybe not. But that moment the picture was taken it looks like a good moment. The picture made me wake up and take the final step.

[gettingstronger]

I feel like the loser here. He hasn't lost anything. His wife hasn't lost anything. She could have, but she didn't. She still has a marriage and a husband in her bed every night. She can still take pictures of them together. I don't feel sorry for her..I envy her.

 

 

I can promise you they have lost a lot- she has lost that trust and feeling of security in their marriage-he has to look at her every day and know what he did to his marriage-

 

I am by no means minimizing your pain- I am sure its difficult but I want you to know that its not like BAM- we are fine again-

 

I hope for you what I hope for myself- that your future is filled with a love that is secure and happy-that you find your way and that you are really, and truly healed and happy-

[I'mNotYours]

I feel like the loser here. He hasn't lost anything. His wife hasn't lost anything. She could have, but she didn't. She still has a marriage and a husband in her bed every night. She can still take pictures of them together. I don't feel sorry for her..I envy her.

 

 

I can promise you they have lost a lot- she has lost that trust and feeling of security in their marriage-he has to look at her every day and know what he did to his marriage-

 

I am by no means minimizing your pain- I am sure its difficult but I want you to know that its not like BAM- we are fine again-

 

I hope for you what I hope for myself- that your future is filled with a love that is secure and happy-that you find your way and that you are really, and truly healed and happy-

 

Thank you for the kind words.

 

She doesn't know about the A. He denied, when she confronted him, and that was a long time ago. I wouldn't envy her if she knew..of course.

[gettingstronger]

She doesn't know about the A. He denied, when she confronted him, and that was a long time ago. I wouldn't envy her if she knew..of course.

 

 

Well, then she has a anvil hanging over her head that could drop at any time- he has to live with his lying self-

That may seem doable, but I don't see how anyone can be truly happy with such a secret-

 

You will heal and move forward-he will always be a liar and a jerk-

 

Take care!

[AmyBamy]

But what do you actually think that karma did to the MM? Did he get punished? If yes, how?

 

I feel like the loser here. He hasn't lost anything. His wife hasn't lost anything. She could have, but she didn't. She still has a marriage and a husband in her bed every night. She can still take pictures of them together. I don't feel sorry for her..I envy her.

 

I've lost a man I thought was the love of my life. A man who gave me more than any other man ever had. He was the only man I've ever been in love with.

 

And yes, I do feel sorry for myself. I don't understand why I had to meet him. I've gotten a lot of wisdom from the A, but I'm still alone. And I want to grieve. I want to miss him and that dream I had about us. I love him and I don't like being angry with him. But it had to end.

 

It was my fault that I stalked her profile and saw the picture. But would it be different if I hadn't? Would he be less married? No. Seeing that picture was a confrontation with the reality. Maybe their marriage is **** and they had a row right after..maybe not. But that moment the picture was taken it looks like a good moment. The picture made me wake up and take the final step.

 

Well, he lost you, and that's a lot more than nothing! And, if you really think about it, what does she have? A husband that cheats on her - that lacks respect and love for her, a charade of a marriage/relationship. Who wants that? Some people do, I know, but most of us? We want real, authentic, brutally honest truth in our relationships. You are angry with him because you love him. If you didn't care about him, this picture wouldn't have evoked any feelings at all in you. And in time, these pictures won't, but it takes time.

 

He didn't "win" here, and you didn't "lose". All of us are worthy of love, every single last one of us. You included. All OWs and all OMs, each and every one worthy human beings who deserve happiness and love. Every single WS, worthy. Nobody wins or loses, we all just ride the waves while being shackled by society's and our own expectations.

 

It's okay to feel sorry for yourself for a minute and grieve the loss of something you had and wanted. Give yourself a break, take care of you, and look forward to the days ahead when this will be a faded and less painful memory.

[I'mNotYours]

Well, he lost you, and that's a lot more than nothing! And, if you really think about it, what does she have? A husband that cheats on her - that lacks respect and love for her, a charade of a marriage/relationship. Who wants that? Some people do, I know, but most of us? We want real, authentic, brutally honest truth in our relationships. You are angry with him because you love him. If you didn't care about him, this picture wouldn't have evoked any feelings at all in you. And in time, these pictures won't, but it takes time.

 

He didn't "win" here, and you didn't "lose". All of us are worthy of love, every single last one of us. You included. All OWs and all OMs, each and every one worthy human beings who deserve happiness and love. Every single WS, worthy. Nobody wins or loses, we all just ride the waves while being shackled by society's and our own expectations.

 

It's okay to feel sorry for yourself for a minute and grieve the loss of something you had and wanted. Give yourself a break, take care of you, and look forward to the days ahead when this will be a faded and less painful memory.

 

I really like your post..thank you

 

I feel better today although I'm still a bit sad. Mostly because it ended in a bad way with a row. I want to contact him..say that I overreacted, but I won't. I feel like he won't miss me now, because we didn't end it in a friendly matter. I know he was mad at me when I said it had to end, because he won't leave. But I guess he would contact me if he wanted to..

[I'mNotYours]

Just wanted you to know that I'm feeling so much better than last time I wrote in this thread We haven't had any contact since and the first few days were so hard to get through..I cried a lot and I was very close to just reach out, apologize for getting so angry and continue the whole thing, but somehow I couldn't and I didn't. He hasn't contacted me either.

 

It feels like something has finally died inside, but in a good way. I'm not angry and I'm not sad..I'm just indifferent. I loved him so much and I wanted a real R with him, but I couldn't wait anymore.

 

I want a man I can call whenever I want..I want a man I can travel with..go out with..introduce to my friends and get introduced to his..I man I can post pictures with on FB And it couldn't be him. I finally feel that this was the end and actually it feels good

[gettingstronger]

You deserve all of that and I know you will find it- good luck and enjoy your new life- one without the restrictions you had in the past!

[Sub]

I want a man I can call whenever I want..I want a man I can travel with..go out with..introduce to my friends and get introduced to his..I man I can post pictures with on FB And it couldn't be him. I finally feel that this was the end and actually it feels good

 

This sounds like a useful mantra for many people in similar situations. Great post, and best of luck to you.

[chelsea2011]

Just wanted you to know that I'm feeling so much better than last time I wrote in this thread We haven't had any contact since and the first few days were so hard to get through..I cried a lot and I was very close to just reach out, apologize for getting so angry and continue the whole thing, but somehow I couldn't and I didn't. He hasn't contacted me either.

 

It feels like something has finally died inside, but in a good way. I'm not angry and I'm not sad..I'm just indifferent. I loved him so much and I wanted a real R with him, but I couldn't wait anymore.

 

I want a man I can call whenever I want..I want a man I can travel with..go out with..introduce to my friends and get introduced to his..I man I can post pictures with on FB And it couldn't be him. I finally feel that this was the end and actually it feels good

 

That is awesome! I bet it feels great to be able to focus on the life you want and he's free to go about his whatever that is.

 

Cheers.

[Trimmer]

It feels like something has finally died inside' date=' but in a good way. I'm not angry and I'm not sad..I'm just indifferent. I loved him so much and I wanted a real R with him, but I couldn't wait anymore.[/quote']

I think I remember a similar feeling after going through a trauma... It wasn't angry or sad or happy or joyful. I realized I finally had peace. Quiet after the storm. Calm.

[Scorpio Chick]

I read and like a lot of your post. This has me curious, would you be an ow again?

 

Purplesorrow, I'm sorry, I just saw your post. HELL TO THE NO I wouldn't be. I knew sexting with the married man I knew was wrong, I have no excuse, justification, etc...I'm glad we never got physical, at all. But it still hurt me and confused me and opened my eyes even more than I thought they could be opened.

 

Thank you for your compliment of liking my posts!

[chelsea2011]

That's great scorpiogirl!

 

To the opening post - how can a couple be happy when one them is cheating? That doesn't make sense.

 

Don't ever take the bait and look at their FaceBook. That is like willingly sticking your hand in an open flame. I block if there is someone I don't want to accidentally stumble upon. I have people in my blocked list and they have no clue they are banned. Ha!

Edited August 31, 2014 by chelsea2011

[purplesorrow]

Purplesorrow, I'm sorry, I just saw your post. HELL TO THE NO I wouldn't be. I knew sexting with the married man I knew was wrong, I have no excuse, justification, etc...I'm glad we never got physical, at all. But it still hurt me and confused me and opened my eyes even more than I thought they could be opened.

 

Thank you for your compliment of liking my posts!

 

Thank you! I asked because if you can change and never do it again, why are you so sure a mm can't? I don't believe it defined you as a person. People can and do grow and change. Why would you automatically think I don't deserve respect because I witnessed and accepted those changes in my husband.