"Happy couple"-picture on Facebook

[Goodbye]

People have affair for a many reason. Some are unhappy because of the marriage. However the vast majority are unhappy with themselves or their situation be it job related, maybe just something to do for thrills and excitement, whatever.

 

Saying your unhappy in your marriage and using it as a catalyst to an affair is purely for justifaction purposes. A cop-out if you will. A reason not to explore the deeper meaning behind why one thinks its ok to willingly and knowingly hurt someone. Well adjusted people in unhappy marriages fix them or leave. Cheating is never the answer and only creates more issues and pain.

 

 

 

I actually agree with all you've said. Going back to the original theme of this thread, I guess I'd say that those "Happy Couple" facebook photos posted by those who are engaged in affairs (not those of the unknowing spouse) may be genuinely happy, but they are not "authentic." Not that it all matters...in the end it is best to NOT try and analyze the FB pictures of posting for significance.

[MuddyRock]

It is authentic on the wifes side. Not her fault her hubs is doing something behind her back.

It is an excellent vision into the mans thought process. He is happy enough to let her think everything is great. When I am mad at someone or unhappy with them I never post happy pics with them on facebook. Sounds like he knows what he wants. To eat cake.

[whichwayisup]

While your response is pretty clever (if you are 8); I wonder how you'd explain my answer. Not the assumption part, but the content. If the H/W is truly happy with sex, love, home...why the affair?

 

Ask a WS this question.

 

Everybody else can speculate, put their own spin on it etc, but really the only person who can answer 'why cheat if you're in a happy marriage' IS the cheater themself.

[Michelle ma Belle]

Background story: Met XMM over a year ago. Had an A for some months until he ended it to "figure out what to do". We had NC and broke it several times and started to see eachother again during spring.

 

He's still confused and needs time to think, he says, but I know he'll never leave. So now we're NC again. Well..today I went on Facebook and saw that his W has put a picture of them posing like a happy couple as her profile picture. She never posted pictures like that before. I'm disgusted.[/right].and mostly sad. Are they really a happy couple? Is it just a show off, because things aren't going great?

 

I'm also angry. I want to text him and say something really mean. But mostly I'm just hurting so much..

 

Seriously?! YOU'RE disgusted? I'll bet if you asked his wife what she thought of your affair she would say the same about you and him. I don't think you're in a position to call anything disgusting unless you're referring to how you BOTH are behaving.

 

You're NC so what are you doing stalking HER FB profile? Seems pretty creepy to me.

 

Do yourself a favor and use this time to gain some much needed perspective and find your moral compass so you can be done with MM once and for all.

[carhill]

I'm disgusted..and mostly sad. Are they really a happy couple? Is it just a show off, because things aren't going great?

 

My .02, from seeing all sides of marriage, is I don't begrudge or minimize the apparent or real happiness of others. It's impossible to ever know what is in the mind of others, so I don't try anymore. Back when a young OM, yeah, sure, speculation ran rapant. Life teaches lessons. It's short and, hey, if they're smiling, good on them.

[snappytomcat]

Seriously?! YOU'RE disgusted? I'll bet if you asked his wife what she thought of your affair she would say the same about you and him. I don't think you're in a position to call anything disgusting unless you're referring to how you BOTH are behaving.

 

You're NC so what are you doing stalking HER FB profile? Seems pretty creepy to me.

 

Do yourself a favor and use this time to gain some much needed perspective and find your moral compass so you can be done with MM once and for all.

 

I tottaly agree with you

[I'mNotYours]

Seriously?! YOU'RE disgusted? I'll bet if you asked his wife what she thought of your affair she would say the same about you and him. I don't think you're in a position to call anything disgusting unless you're referring to how you BOTH are behaving.

 

You're NC so what are you doing stalking HER FB profile? Seems pretty creepy to me.

 

Do yourself a favor and use this time to gain some much needed perspective and find your moral compass so you can be done with MM once and for all.

 

I understand your point. I'm not disgusted with the picture, his W or anything. I'm disgusted by the fact that he claims he loves me, isn't sure about his marriage and isn't turned on by his W, but then he poses for a picture like that.

 

I have blocked her and his profile now. I don't want to stalk anymore.

[SunshineToday]

"Claims" being the key word.

I'm telling you in the nicest way possible, from someone who has been there and done that. An affair partner will lie to you, so you hear what you need, just to keep the affair going.

 

You saw the picture, you know he lies. Only you can stop your pain now.

[Michelle ma Belle]

I understand your point. I'm not disgusted with the picture' date=' his W or anything. I'm disgusted by the fact that [i']he claims he loves me[/i], isn't sure about his marriage and isn't turned on by his W, but then he poses for a picture like that.

 

I have blocked her and his profile now. I don't want to stalk anymore.

 

You can't believe anything that comes out of a MM's mouth or any person who is cheating on their partner for that matter. His promises and claims are empty and rarely to be taken seriously.

 

You are simply a lovely sexual distraction for him and nothing more. If you doubt any of this, perhaps you need to read through the countless threads started in this section of OW who are belly aching of the EXACT same things.

 

You're both being VERY predictable unfortunately which is why I'm advising YOU to BE different and DO better.

 

Good luck.

[I'mNotYours]

I broke NC and told him that this has to end. It's not just NC anymore and "let's see what happens in the future"..no, it has to end and we're not going to see eachother anymore. I also told him that I know he won't leave. He got upset and angry, and it ended in a bad way, but now it's over.

 

I'm hurting, but what keeps my up is the thought the the pain will pass and I will not be sad because of him anymore like so many times before. One moment I about to conrtact him and the next I'm so angry and think that I hate him. I hope I'll feel better again soon...

[Lostinlife4now]

I understand your point. I'm not disgusted with the picture, his W or anything. I'm disgusted by the fact that he claims he loves me, isn't sure about his marriage and isn't turned on by his W, but then he poses for a picture like that.

 

I have blocked her and his profile now. I don't want to stalk anymore.

 

 

Honey....don't mean to burst your love bubble with the mm...BUT....BEEN THERE DONE THAT!

 

MM LIE!!! To get what THEY want! He is probably very happy with his wife...he just needed to add a little spice to his life and that was you!

[Eternal Sunshine]

I have zero respect for married women that stay with cheaters and then try to "stick it" to the OW while being super nice to their cheating loser husbands

[HermioneG]

I have zero respect for married women that stay with cheaters and then try to "stick it" to the OW while being super nice to their cheating loser husbands

 

I am really confused by this statement.

 

If two people are in an affair, doesn't that make both parties "cheating losers"? Or just the one?

 

Also, how does an OW in your aforementioned scenario stick it to the OW/be super nice to the loser ? How does the OW know this? Any of this?

 

If they are sticking it to the OW by remaining married and posting a picture, I don't understand.

 

I think OP sees the picture clearly now, and knows what is best for her. I hope she has a positive path forward.

 

But this comment, I don't understand. Like at all.

[notserene]

I have zero respect for married women that stay with cheaters and then try to "stick it" to the OW while being super nice to their cheating loser husbands

 

I think that this comment assumes facts that aren't in evidence... how do we know what the wife's motives were in posting that picture? If OP hadn't been checking the wife's profile she never would have seen it.

[gettingstronger]

I think the poster above was just lashing out- perhaps still in a very dark place or believes everything her MM tells her- maybe he is stringing her along and its difficult- either way- I agree-it is not relevant to this situation and OP I applaud you for really listening and taking advice on this-its difficult to navigate these situations, even more difficult to read stuff you don't want to hear- best of luck to you!

[whichwayisup]

I broke NC and told him that this has to end. It's not just NC anymore and "let's see what happens in the future"..no, it has to end and we're not going to see eachother anymore. I also told him that I know he won't leave. He got upset and angry, and it ended in a bad way, but now it's over.

 

I'm hurting, but what keeps my up is the thought the the pain will pass and I will not be sad because of him anymore like so many times before. One moment I about to conrtact him and the next I'm so angry and think that I hate him. I hope I'll feel better again soon...

 

Dig down deep and find your pride and dignity - Make yourself a promise and hold "you" accountable that you'll NEVER reach out and contact him, that he really is out of your life for good.

 

Anytime you feel like caving, come here and post. Or get a pen and paper and write him a letter, get out what you need and want to say, then either rip up the letter into pieces or burn it. You'll feel much better.

 

Cry and allow yourself time to grieve the loss. It's okay to feel sad, he was a part of your life so it takes some time to go through that process.

 

Try to keep busy too! Be around good friends and family, don't forget to be good to yourself and don't lose your humour either! Laughing and making yourself smile when you don't want to, can actually make you feel better.

 

Remember you will survive this. You were fine before he came into your life and once you begin to really heal, you'll be totally fine again.

[MissBee]

While your response is pretty clever (if you are 8); I wonder how you'd explain my answer. Not the assumption part, but the content. If the H/W is truly happy with sex, love, home...why the affair?

 

And I think that's something both BSs and OW/OM struggle with and something people should read more about, as also there seems to be a great gender divide here, where women tend to have affairs when dissatisfied with their relationship and more women tend to take the step to leave and assume that for married men it's the same when often it is not.

 

I can tell you: when I was the OW it was common sense to me that his relationship must be on the rocks and unhappy...I asked about it and he very flippantly told me no, she was a great woman, he loved her and he loved me too. I was VERY upset and confused because my assumption is a man happy and who loves his SO wouldn't do this and as an OW it made me feel better to think it was a bad relationship anyway....but he burst my bubble and tried to make me feel better by saying his love for her and his love for me are two different things and one doesn't affect the other. That opened my eyes to the reality that: most humans are capable of being attracted to more than one person. Marriage and a monogamous marriage at that is a CHOICE. It doesn't mean you can never be attracted to others, it means for those who choose it and are serious about those boundaries, you make yourself turn the other way when there is someone you're attracted to other than your spouse. Lots of women esp seem to believe that if a MM has feelings for an OW it means his feelings for his wife are turned off and the two cannot coexist...well for my AP and lots of others, that is exactly how it was, feelings for two women coexisting and him not having any boundaries or being serious about monogamy so he felt completely at peace in entertaining those feelings so long as she wouldn't find out and as long as he thought he could keep me happy with things.

 

My dad is a serial cheater...the issues are squarely his own as when my mom has initiated divorce he begs, pleads, cries and no matter how many affairs he has never once left or tried to and I'm pretty sure he never will and in his last cheating scandal when found out he tried to have a family talk and tell us about how being with our family and my mom was the happiest he's ever been and would never change it. Yet, in our minds it doesn't make sense why you would continue to do these things if that's how you feel...yet for him it makes perfect sense. It's not because his family is bad or his wife is bad or the marriage is bad...although the marriage is bad because of his issues and my mom allowing them, but most of his actions are HIM and no matter who he's with it would be the same. NO WOMAN on earth can "make" him happy enough to be faithful, ask my two older half siblings' moms. My dad was with them both before my mom, cheated on them too.

 

So the short of it is that affairs are not as cut and dry as "Of course he is out of love and unhappy and if he finds a new woman it will be it." and isn't as dry as "He's having an affair so clearly he doesn't love his wife and wants to leave." My dad and my exAP quickly opened my eyes to the reality that a man can believe he loves his SO and has no plans of leaving but entertain feelings and a relationship with someone else...but he often prioritizes one over the other as he is just a human and cannot esp in secret give two women all they need, and if his primary relationship is threatened, he will make a choice to save it.

Edited July 19, 2014 by MissBee

[Savannah2]

My AP's wife does the same picture posting of them on FB. Selfies galore of the two of them smiling together on date nights. Makes me insanely jealous and heartbroken. And he knows it. He would tell me he cannot control what pictures she puts up. Just like he would tell me that there were some things he had to so every anniversary, birthday, etc. he would put on her FB wall how much he loved her etc.

 

I can very much relate to missbee.'s post. I think my AP falls into this category. He has never told me that he doesn't love his wife or he is unhappy. He had however told me multiple times that he wants both of us and he wishes we could live all three live together because that is what would make him happy the most. Keep in mind his wife has no idea of any of this and is very jealous and would not be willing to share. And he knows this about her. Anyways.. I'm sorry you are hurting. I know how painful those pictures are.. For me, it was like reality hitting me over the head when I would see them.

[Red123]

All three of you living together is what would make him happy, definitely not his wife, but what about you? Would you honestly want that life. He sounds incredibly selfish. You deserve to be someone's only partner not a piece if his dream threesome. I don't mean to be disrespectful but his dream is so unrealistic and so unfair to both his W and you. The solution to the pain of seeing these pictures is to block the Wife's Social media. You can't see her and she can't see you. That will remove the pain of seeing the pictures. As to whether or not the pictures represent truth, no one ever knows. My H and I are struggling right now but we both have pics up of us enjoying moments and in those moments it's real. We are happy, but the pics aren't on there to paint a picture of bliss, just to share that moment. We have a lot if family far away and they like seeing what we are up to. That is just my own experience not speaking for others social media, just saying we never know.

[GollumsNightmare]

I caught my H of 29 years with the OW. In bed. Eight months ago. I have PTSD from the shock of it all. It was by far the most devastating event in my life. It was worse than losing a child in the second trimester. It was worse than losing any family member, other than my ds, to death.

 

It took a couple of weeks but we decided to try to reconcile. It has been the best 8 months of my marriage and the worst 8 months of my marriage. We have literally cried every.single.day since November about the affair. We have also loved each other more each day than we have in 29 years, physically and emotionally.

 

We are busting our asses off to not only reconcile this marriage but to redeem it. We are doing everything we can think of to fix the problems we had that led to the affair. We are reading books together. We are in marriage counseling. We have turned to our family and friends as partners and they have been amazing. I have listened to the issues he had in the marriage and have taken huge steps to really hear what he has to say and do the things I can to show him I care. He has done the same for me. Everyday we have done the work. It has not been easy.

 

He swears he loves me more than he ever thought he could. Trust me, I have broken almost all of the pottery and dishes in the house in anger. I have left him, then returned when he begged me to. I have told him to leave and go to the OW but he refuses to go. At the end of each day, we love each other and continue to work on this with all of our strength.

 

As to FB. At first I removed him from the cover photo and my profile picture. I stopped posting about him. Quite frankly some days the only positive thing we could do was lay on the sofa with the sun streaming in on us. The hurt was so bad there was nothing positive to posta about.

 

Gradually, there have been moments of happiness returning to our days. i.e: We learned to dance for our son's wedding. Our son caught a photo of a happy moment of us dancing in our kitchen. I posted it on our FB page as a spark of hope.

 

Some days we couldn't talk about the A one more moment so we would go to the nearby park and hike, mostly, in a companionable silence. I posted pictures of those days as a sign of hope.

 

We went away for a weekend to just breathe. In the pictures of me I can see the devastation the A wreaked on me physically - I lost 20 pounds in a month, my face looks haggard, I lost a lot of hair. But I smiled that weekend, truly smiled for probably the first time in 3 months. I posted those pictures to show that maybe, just maybe, there is a future for us.

 

I posted those pictures for me and for our son - who knows of the affair yet has shown the most amazing amount of love to both of us. I posted them for our family in the midwest and on the west coast who also know of the affair and have loved us unconditionally and prayed for us everyday. I posted them for our friends, his and mine, who although VERY pissed at first, want nothing more than for us to succeed. They call, they stop by, they check in, they listen, they do anything to help us make it.

 

I didn't post those pictures because of the OW. She was a friend of mine. Neither of us want her in our life in any way, shape or form. I have blocked her and her entire family on FB. Could she see my page if she really wanted to? I suppose she could find a way. If she is hurt by stalking me via my FB page, that is on her.

 

My advice? Find someone that loves you, just you. Build the life you want that doesn't hurt you or anybody else. Affairs are devastating. I won't lie. I considered suicide because of what happened between my H and the OW. You don't want to be a part of that kind of situation. Live a life out of the shadows, one you can celebrate in the light of day. Your life will be so much better for it. I wish you only the best.

[snappytomcat]

I caught my H of 29 years with the OW. In bed. Eight months ago. I have PTSD from the shock of it all. It was by far the most devastating event in my life. It was worse than losing a child in the second trimester. It was worse than losing any family member, other than my ds, to death.

 

It took a couple of weeks but we decided to try to reconcile. It has been the best 8 months of my marriage and the worst 8 months of my marriage. We have literally cried every.single.day since November about the affair. We have also loved each other more each day than we have in 29 years, physically and emotionally.

 

We are busting our asses off to not only reconcile this marriage but to redeem it. We are doing everything we can think of to fix the problems we had that led to the affair. We are reading books together. We are in marriage counseling. We have turned to our family and friends as partners and they have been amazing. I have listened to the issues he had in the marriage and have taken huge steps to really hear what he has to say and do the things I can to show him I care. He has done the same for me. Everyday we have done the work. It has not been easy.

 

He swears he loves me more than he ever thought he could. Trust me, I have broken almost all of the pottery and dishes in the house in anger. I have left him, then returned when he begged me to. I have told him to leave and go to the OW but he refuses to go. At the end of each day, we love each other and continue to work on this with all of our strength.

 

As to FB. At first I removed him from the cover photo and my profile picture. I stopped posting about him. Quite frankly some days the only positive thing we could do was lay on the sofa with the sun streaming in on us. The hurt was so bad there was nothing positive to posta about.

 

Gradually, there have been moments of happiness returning to our days. i.e: We learned to dance for our son's wedding. Our son caught a photo of a happy moment of us dancing in our kitchen. I posted it on our FB page as a spark of hope.

 

Some days we couldn't talk about the A one more moment so we would go to the nearby park and hike, mostly, in a companionable silence. I posted pictures of those days as a sign of hope.

 

We went away for a weekend to just breathe. In the pictures of me I can see the devastation the A wreaked on me physically - I lost 20 pounds in a month, my face looks haggard, I lost a lot of hair. But I smiled that weekend, truly smiled for probably the first time in 3 months. I posted those pictures to show that maybe, just maybe, there is a future for us.

 

I posted those pictures for me and for our son - who knows of the affair yet has shown the most amazing amount of love to both of us. I posted them for our family in the midwest and on the west coast who also know of the affair and have loved us unconditionally and prayed for us everyday. I posted them for our friends, his and mine, who although VERY pissed at first, want nothing more than for us to succeed. They call, they stop by, they check in, they listen, they do anything to help us make it.

 

I didn't post those pictures because of the OW. She was a friend of mine. Neither of us want her in our life in any way, shape or form. I have blocked her and her entire family on FB. Could she see my page if she really wanted to? I suppose she could find a way. If she is hurt by stalking me via my FB page, that is on her.

 

My advice? Find someone that loves you, just you. Build the life you want that doesn't hurt you or anybody else. Affairs are devastating. I won't lie. I considered suicide because of what happened between my H and the OW. You don't want to be a part of that kind of situation. Live a life out of the shadows, one you can celebrate in the light of day. Your life will be so much better for it. I wish you only the best.

im so sorry for what you are going through

[purplesorrow]

I agree. I read on here and know about so many women whose H's have cheated on them and returned and the wife receives them back. Stupid. Meanwhile, most of their H's are still talking to the ow or looking for a new one. Whatever. I do think a lot of those insecure wives need to post "happy wifey" shots on social media to make themselves feel less humiliated by being rejected by their H's.

 

Why so much hostility toward the wives? Stupid? Insecure? Neither of those describe me. My WH worked hard to get a second chance. He is no longer the man he was during his affair. We have lived apart over a year, he never contacted the ow again. People can change if they choose to. What I don't understand is an ow knowing he lies and cheats from day one but still falls in love?

[SoleMate]

I read on here and know about so many women whose H's have cheated on them and returned and the wife receives them back. Stupid. Meanwhile, most of their H's are still talking to the ow or looking for a new one......I do think a lot of those insecure wives need to post "happy wifey" shots on social media to make themselves feel less humiliated by being rejected by their H's.

This comment.....coming after Gollum's radical and heartbreaking honesty in her account of being betrayed by her H, and their epic struggle to reconcile......this comment caused my jaw to drop from its lack of empathy and its casual, cutting dismissal of a life-threatening crisis affecting a fellow human being. Please reconsider your statement, especially in juxtaposition to Gollum's account, which I can only hope was inadvertent.

 

Back to the OP: As most responders have pointed out, you're worried about something that is not properly your concern. You may as well object to the way your neighbors cook dinner or the car your coworker drives. Glad you're NC now; that, and living well, really is the best revenge. Post here whenever you need to in the days, weeks, and months ahead. There will be bad days I'm sure, but the trend will be positive as long as you avoid returning to that poisoned well (i.e. any contact incl. indirect methods like FB). Hugs and best wishes.

[NotOW35]

This comment.....coming after Gollum's radical and heartbreaking honesty in her account of being betrayed by her H, and their epic struggle to reconcile......this comment caused my jaw to drop from its lack of empathy and its casual, cutting dismissal of a life-threatening crisis affecting a fellow human being. Please reconsider your statement, especially in juxtaposition to Gollum's account, which I can only hope was inadvertent.

 

Back to the OP: As most responders have pointed out, you're worried about something that is not properly your concern. You may as well object to the way your neighbors cook dinner or the car your coworker drives. Glad you're NC now; that, and living well, really is the best revenge. Post here whenever you need to in the days, weeks, and months ahead. There will be bad days I'm sure, but the trend will be positive as long as you avoid returning to that poisoned well (i.e. any contact incl. indirect methods like FB). Hugs and best wishes.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

My discussion was about the thread in general. If the poster you referenced is looking for support, perhaps she should post her story on the infidelity section.

[Trimmer]

I have zero respect for married women that stay with cheaters and then try to "stick it" to the OW while being super nice to their cheating loser husbands

Yes, because that's certainly the one person in the triangle who is least deserving of respect. What horrible behavior!

 

How does this even apply to this thread? The OP stated that the BS might be suspicious, but there hadn't been a d-day. And you're suggesting that merely posting happy pictures of their marriage is "sticking it to" someone who she isn't even sure exists?