"We're trying to save our marriage" [update]

[hippetyhop]

Far too many people put their primary relationship on the back burner for other things because they think that it will self nurture and just always be there. Then one day they wake up and it's not only not there, it's demolished. That is his battle to fight. And I hear you on the sexless thing. My exH stopped having sex with me, and my exMM had the same issue with his ex wife. As far as I'm concerned, once a partner stops participating in the intimacy of the relationship (emotionally or physically), it is null and void and all should react accordingly. Ideally, the offending partner would end the relationship, but they never do, just seem to expect the other person to "go without" intimacy and be okay with it. It's sad to see it happen all the time, but happen all the time it does.

 

I'm wishing you nothing but good stuff. I think you are doing exactly what you need to be doing. Only you can make the decisions that affect your life, you are the one that lives it, nobody else. Like I said, I think that he is doing that pendulum thing right now - they swing away from the marriage because it sucks, then they swing back to trying everything to make it work, but eventually, it balances out and the reality of the situation is seen for what it is and then, and only then, can he make really clear decisions about what to do.

 

Thank you, thank you for the well wishes.

 

The pendulum swing is probably a fair analogy as to his feelings and actions. Not only for him, but for many others in his predicament. While he's swinging and deciding what to do, I will go about my business and move forward with my life.

 

 

While I see the validity in your point - marriages like all relationships need to be nourished and if they aren't, damage can result. I also think that you are providing a different viewpoint than many here and it is both very hopeful to other women and also very necessary for this board as you are correct, there are a lot of negative viewpoints on here.

 

But, I hope that HippityHop, you realize that just as some of us go to the extreme of painting a harsh picture, the extreme rosy picture can also be harmful. Somewhere in between lies the reality of your situation and I would encourage you to continue the path that you have been moving towards on this thread.

 

If the rosy picture develops, then your MM will find that he has a force to be reckoned with and this will help you better balance yours and his needs into the future. But if it doesn't, you hVe embarked on a healthy course which will aid in your healing.

 

I do realize that some are trying to paint a harsh picture and the tough love is supposed to be the best. The outcomes of these situations more times than not are not rosy, and I'm aware of that.

 

You are correct; I am continuing on the same journey. I still think about him and whatnot. However, if the pendulum stops swinging and he reaches out to me, there are no guarantees I'll be in the same spot I am now-- still vulnerable to take him back. A lot can change between now, the future, and potentially ever. There are no guarantees he'll reach out and that I am preparing myself for. In the event he does, how to handle it, and if he doesn't, then its officially over. I'm doing this for me.

[Owl]

The thing is--there are no guarantees anywhere that he is going to contact me again. Although I didn't close the door, he knows that all attempts are going to have to be done by him. Perhaps he gave up as well as he can't handle both an A and a M. I'm not reaching out to him first, and I think he knows that. Maybe us amicably walking away how we are with a mutual understanding of the above (he can never see me again) is truly the end.... which I firmly believe it is. I'm not waiting around for him as I don't think I'll get anymore of those non-question texts either.

 

I do have feelings such as hurt and anger. However, my happiness and the opportunity to meet other people will not be hindered by that.

 

You don't take the actions I recommended because there's a gaurantee that he'll try contacting you...you take them because there's a chance that he might contact you.

 

You don't buy car insurance because there's a garauntee you'll get into an accident...

 

With that said...I'd bet real money that he'll reach out to you again within the next six months. And if you've not taken steps to prevent getting sucked back in...you will be.

 

I've given you my best advice. I hope everything turns out well for you.

[hippetyhop]

You don't take the actions I recommended because there's a gaurantee that he'll try contacting you...you take them because there's a chance that he might contact you.

 

You don't buy car insurance because there's a garauntee you'll get into an accident...

 

With that said...I'd bet real money that he'll reach out to you again within the next six months. And if you've not taken steps to prevent getting sucked back in...you will be.

 

I've given you my best advice. I hope everything turns out well for you.

 

Thank you, Owl. I appreciate your well wishes. I genuinely do.

 

If I was able to take you up on that bet, I'd double it. I think it'll take from his pride on trying to save his M to contact me.

 

With the phone, there is no official blocking; just a blacklist that I'm notified on should I be contacted by a blacklist number :/

 

As for emails, I can block the email addresses he has, but it doesn't guarantee that he can create a new one and just email me from there.

 

However, both of those will be my discretion to read upon his desire to contact me.

 

Should he contact me even a year from now or 10, I hoping not to be in the vulnerable place I am now for him. However, its not hindering me from moving on.

Edited July 17, 2014 by hippetyhop

[hippetyhop]

Question for those who were involved in an A:

 

Not sure how many read my story, but, I was wondering how many A's ended on the terms of being 'friends' yet no contact ever existed?

 

About 2 weeks ago, my xMM told me he was going to work on his M but basically still wanted to be friends. After a couple of texts, and then a random text a week ago, I haven't heard back. I'm thinking its the end. I won't reach out either.

 

Has anyone else not heard from an old AP in a case/situation such as this with peaceful, mutual parting of the seas?

 

Honestly: Although I miss him, but I am doing well. I'm keeping busy and sticking to what I need to in order to happily move on and am focused on hitting my personal mini-milestones (miles ran, classes completed, etc). I'm taking everything one day at a time, and each day is a bit better than the last.

 

Just curious..that is all. If I can't ask amongst people in similar situations, then who can I ask?

[Owl]

OK...'bet' is on!

 

So...if he's not attempted to contact you at all in any way within the next six months, come back here and post it, or PM me.

 

You are granted a free pass of "I TOLD YOU SO, YOU BIG DUMB BLUE BIRD!!!" if that occurs. :)

 

But...if he does...you take my advice, and take every measure you can to block him and prevent further contact.

 

Whaddya say?

[hippetyhop]

OK...'bet' is on!

 

So...if he's not attempted to contact you at all in any way within the next six months, come back here and post it, or PM me.

 

You are granted a free pass of "I TOLD YOU SO, YOU BIG DUMB BLUE BIRD!!!" if that occurs. :)

 

But...if he does...you take my advice, and take every measure you can to block him and prevent further contact.

 

Whaddya say?

 

Bets on, buddy!

 

Except.... (LOL)! my birthday is coming due soon, and its the same day as his daughter's. I'd be surprised if I get a courtesy bday text, but even that doesn't call for any reason to begin conversation.

 

See..I'm truthful already!

[ichbinmich]

The friends bit is a way to:

- end things non-confrontationally and walk away

- save face just in case you run into each other, you can say hi and pretend no one was hurt

- keep contact... "just-in-case". A security net if you will.

 

Ex anythings aren't and will never be just friends. A lot of people fake it but underneath you'll always be exes, usually with one person still hoping for a continuation or trying to keep something open-ended.

[hippetyhop]

The friends bit is a way to:

- end things non-confrontationally and walk away

- save face just in case you run into each other, you can say hi and pretend no one was hurt

- keep contact... "just-in-case". A security net if you will.

 

Ex anythings aren't and will never be just friends. A lot of people fake it but underneath you'll always be exes, usually with one person still hoping for a continuation or trying to keep something open-ended.

 

Thank you.

 

My stance is the first, but not sure what his is. Just because the A didn't work out doesn't mean there needs to be a big DDay blowout with drama. Even if he did tell me he never wanted to talk to me again, I still wouldn't out him to the BS out of spite.

 

Although I know him through my sister, I hope to not have to see him. Luckily, my sister and her H (whom have NO idea what happened) do not like to throw get togethers/have friends over. This will hopefully lessen any chances of us bumping into each other, along with the fact we live in totally opposite directions.

[LearningToMoveOn]

Yep, we tried to end it several times and stay "friends". Neither of us would reach out for stretches of time, I would eventually get upset because I thought we had decided to stay "friends" and still talk and so I would reach out to see what was going on / why I hadn't heard from him. We would agree to try harder at being "friends" and then boundaries would slip, someone would push, and eventually we would end up back in the A. Rinse and repeat until D Day. IMO, you can never be friends...it just doesn't work.

[hippetyhop]

Yep, we tried to end it several times and stay "friends". Neither of us would reach out for stretches of time, I would eventually get upset because I thought we had decided to stay "friends" and still talk and so I would reach out to see what was going on / why I hadn't heard from him. We would agree to try harder at being "friends" and then boundaries would slip, someone would push, and eventually we would end up back in the A. Rinse and repeat until D Day. IMO, you can never be friends...it just doesn't work.

 

I agree- as intense as it was, we can't be just casual friends. It was ended mutually, so I think that makes it a bit harder.

 

He mentioned to me during that conversation that he wants to talk to me 'more than once in awhile.'

 

That is why I'm not reaching out to him. As aggravating as it not talking to him because I do miss him, it would be the rinse and repeat. Plus, he wants to focus on his M. I'm giving him the opportunity and chance not to do so without my interference.

 

Funny thing is--after he sent me the text saying he can't see me anymore, etc. I didn't reply. He contacted me first thing the next morning to make sure I was "okay". We talked that day and the next. After that, he sent me one random text a few days later mentioning how hot it was that day for a run. After that--nada.

[Owl]

Bets on, buddy!

 

Except.... (LOL)! my birthday is coming due soon, and its the same day as his daughter's. I'd be surprised if I get a courtesy bday text, but even that doesn't call for any reason to begin conversation.

 

See..I'm truthful already!

 

AHH!!! He's got all the more reason to reach out to you that day.

 

WHICH IS ALL THE MORE REASON TO BLOCK HIM ON THAT DAY!!!

 

Don't hedge here. You're wanting him to reach out to you then...or sometime.

 

Otherwise...you wouldn't resist my (excellent!) advice as much as you are! :D

[hippetyhop]

AHH!!! He's got all the more reason to reach out to you that day.

 

WHICH IS ALL THE MORE REASON TO BLOCK HIM ON THAT DAY!!!

 

Don't hedge here. You're wanting him to reach out to you then...or sometime.

 

Otherwise...you wouldn't resist my (excellent!) advice as much as you are! :D

 

Hey--I can't control that was the day I decided to make my grand entrance into this beautiful, beautiful world!

 

I did say that even if he did (no guarantees) it doesn't mean I have to give a reply.

 

Like I said, I can send him to my 'blacklist', but it'll still show if he texts or attempts. In doing so, I have to resist the urge to go into my blacklist box and open the message. That red "!" of there being a constant blacklist message isn't any better than getting a text, reading, and deleting, is it?

[Owl]

Hey--I can't control that was the day I decided to make my grand entrance into this beautiful, beautiful world!

 

I did say that even if he did (no guarantees) it doesn't mean I have to give a reply.

 

Like I said, I can send him to my 'blacklist', but it'll still show if he texts or attempts. In doing so, I have to resist the urge to go into my blacklist box and open the message. That red "!" of there being a constant blacklist message isn't any better than getting a text, reading, and deleting, is it?

 

There really is no way for your phone...or for your carrier...to 'block' an incoming call/text from a specific number?

 

That seems very unlikely. Every carrier I know of does so...and I work in telecom.

 

If this is the case...then you should seriously consider changing your number completely.

 

And I'm not trying to be a jerk. Really. Even just knowing that he TRIED to reach out to you at some point is 'contact' after a fashion. It lets you know he was thinking about you in some fashion. And honestly it'll fire up your mind and get thoughts going about what the message MIGHT say, even if you somehow do resist and delete it without reading.

 

That's still feeding the addictive nature of the whole thing.

 

The most successful way to move on in this kind of sitaution is to REMOVE HIM FROM YOUR LIFE, COMPLETELY/TOTALLY/UTTERLY.

 

And honestly...as I said, your resistance to taking this kind of action is indicative to me that you truly are still in that addiction as well...and don't want to give up the potential 'fix' that this would give you.

 

Which is why you need to do so.

 

But I've beaten this horse long enough. You know what you should do...now do what you're going to do.

 

And we'll see where we're at on that bet. (but I still count your birthday in this whole thing...you can't use that as an excuse to watch for his contact attempt that day)

[hippetyhop]

There really is no way for your phone...or for your carrier...to 'block' an incoming call/text from a specific number?

 

That seems very unlikely. Every carrier I know of does so...and I work in telecom.

 

If this is the case...then you should seriously consider changing your number completely.

 

And I'm not trying to be a jerk. Really. Even just knowing that he TRIED to reach out to you at some point is 'contact' after a fashion. It lets you know he was thinking about you in some fashion. And honestly it'll fire up your mind and get thoughts going about what the message MIGHT say, even if you somehow do resist and delete it without reading.

 

That's still feeding the addictive nature of the whole thing.

 

The most successful way to move on in this kind of sitaution is to REMOVE HIM FROM YOUR LIFE, COMPLETELY/TOTALLY/UTTERLY.

 

And honestly...as I said, your resistance to taking this kind of action is indicative to me that you truly are still in that addiction as well...and don't want to give up the potential 'fix' that this would give you.

 

Which is why you need to do so.

 

But I've beaten this horse long enough. You know what you should do...now do what you're going to do.

 

And we'll see where we're at on that bet. (but I still count your birthday in this whole thing...you can't use that as an excuse to watch for his contact attempt that day)

 

I can't do it directly on the phone. I used to be able to on my Galaxy. On my new droid phone I don't have that option. I'll have to contact the service provider to see if they can do it free of charge. Its on a business plan not in my name. Otherwise, I can't change my number as its a business phone that is connected to my work account. The company may not do it unless I'm getting threats or whatnot. Think about if they have to change a number after every employee break ups.

 

I know you aren't being a jerk.. I know you're looking out for my, and everyone's well-being on this board Its appreciative.

 

I'm not resistive in hopes he contacts me. I just think he's done how I am.

 

Honestly, I think it'll take too much from his pride of telling me he's trying to make his marriage work, telling me he wants to be friends and wants to hear from me (which I won't contact him), never seeing me again to reach out to me regardless on my impending bday or not.

 

After all of that, he must have a ton of ego and confidence (despite him knowing that I still love him) to try and reignite anything. Whether it be 1 month or 10 years, he doesn't know how much this devastates me and how I'm not up for the ride anymore.

 

I have about a year left of schooling. I'm inquiring about job opportunities elsewhere. I have nothing holding me back.

 

The bet is still on buddy!!!!

Edited July 17, 2014 by hippetyhop

[beach]

I'm hopeful that when he contacts (and he will when he needs his ego boost from you) that you don't respond at all.

 

I think you have gained enough strength to resist!

[chelsea2011]

There are free apps that you can download that allow you to turn off the call log feature. Then if he calls or texts you will have idea that he did.

 

Edited to add: by not knowng you will be giving him ALL the space he needs to "work on his marriage."

Edited July 18, 2014 by chelsea2011

[hippetyhop]

I'm hopeful that when he contacts (and he will when he needs his ego boost from you) that you don't respond at all.

 

I think you have gained enough strength to resist!

 

I'm getting there... I really am. I'm focusing my energy on positive things and making myself better..hence, I took my stress with this and added an extra mile to my run Its part of my mini milestones!

 

There are free apps that you can download that allow you to turn off the call log feature. Then if he calls or texts you will have idea that he did.

 

Edited to add: by not knowng you will be giving him ALL the space he needs to "work on his marriage."

 

I will look into those, however, with this being a work phone, certain common apps are blocked (facebook-- although I don't have, twitter, etc). I'm not sure about any type of call blocking apps.

 

Although he said he wants to be 'friends', I won't hear from him as he made it clear we can never see each other. I think he's pretty grounded on that statement.

Edited July 18, 2014 by hippetyhop

[hippetyhop]

I know I'll get some slack from this--but he text me last night and I reciprocated. Owl--I lost :/

 

He started with "Hi. How have you been?" From there, we non-nonchalantly talked about running for a bit and that was it. I ended the convo. by telling him I had to finish studying. The texts were platonic and just catching up.

 

I don't feel as if anything will come from this, and still doesn't hinder my decision of waiting around. I'm not coming to any conclusions either that he's trying to rekindle the A as he kept it all clean, as did I. I'm not expecting any texts looking to rekindle this either.

 

Also, I don't feel as if it was punch to the gut or anything, or any type of setbacks since it was kept platonic and no mixed messages were sent.

 

My question is: any success from people keeping it platonic post A? Can texts of this nature keep it at a friendship level, and he was genuinely asking me how I was doing?

[whichwayisup]

Can texts of this nature keep it at a friendship level, and he was genuinely asking me how I was doing?

 

Already you're questioning whether or not he was genuinely asking how you were doing. Real friendships you don't have to wonder...With him, you'll always wonder.

 

And no, it's impossible to be 'friends' with an exAP. All that will do is keep the focus on him and feed your feelings. It'll be an EA, online through emails. What's the point? Even more so if he IS working on his marriage.

[Sub]

I'm not coming to any conclusions either that he's trying to rekindle the A as he kept it all clean, as did I. I'm not expecting any texts looking to rekindle this either.

 

He's not going to just jump right back into A-related talk. Even if it's subconscious, it's really just to keep you on the hook in case this "work" he's doing on his M doesn't yield results. If he's really trying to work on his M at this point, there wouldn't be a second to spare for an ex-AP, IMO.

[gettingstronger]

I am unsure of his motives and honestly do not care- for me, the focus is you- and even though you say you feel nothing romantic, I think you do and thats not good for you- he should take up NO space in your brain, he should does not deserve for you to think about him at all- he did not do right by you- do I expect you to be able to do this right now, this minute-no way-but do I think responding to his texts will help you- no-

 

I am not saying he is a bad person- I am just saying his circumstances and actions are not worthy of you- you deserve relationships (friends and partners) without so much baggage and that are healthy and good for you-

 

Good luck-

[OWAmy]

You are servile to this man. I'm glad your new post was merged on to your old one as it's just the same old, same old. You are going around in circles analysing him, but your not analysing him...your nitpicking!

 

He does NOT want you. If you want to test this one out ...continue as you are doing, not letting go, replying to his texts. Ha! It won't being before the explicit content comes into it.

 

You are flogging a dead horse. Some affairs do work out, but this one NO CHANCE.

 

This thread is long re-read it. It contains everything you need to know.

 

Stop fearing the unknown, stop the ambivalence. No contact is easy compared to this. I read somewhere once that the real damage in an affair (as far as the single OW with MM) is the actual amount of energy expended. Do you think he thinks about you that much!

[hippetyhop]

Thank you all for the replies.

 

 

 

Right off the bat OWAmy- I said that I’m not hindering any future R I have with anyone and waiting for him. That is why I asked if anyone was able to remain friends with their AP. Although many think I should, I do not have anything against him, nor do I hate him or would do anything malicious.

 

 

Where in my post did I say I’m willing to rekindle the A? Realistically, I know the outcomes of A and I’m SO glad you are psychic and can predict what will happen in the future and reassuring the fact that he really doesn’t want me.

 

 

 

I’m sure when anyone leaves a R despite the circumstances, they are afraid of the unknown.

 

 

 

Whichway—that comment was more or less a rhetorical thinking from being blindsided by his contact. Sometimes I think aloud and type/talk it. Actually, I was quite surprised to hear from him. It has been two weeks since he said he was going to work on his marriage. I thought if he was going to contact me, it would be a longer than this. Two weeks though?

 

 

Sub and gettingstronger- Although he contacted me, I’d be surprised if he does cross the line as I gave him no inclination or whatnot of any explicit talk I kept it neutral and on topic. I didn’t do anything to stroke his ego, or tell him how great he is, etc. nor will I. Although we did have inappropriate talk that one time a few weeks ago, not hearing from him for so long flushes those feelings away. I don’t do anything to initiate contact first either. I may not hear from him for another few months, if at all. No sitting around waiting. He may be trying to hook me in, but his actions do nothing for me to want to be involved with him at that level; hence me wondering if it can ever be kept platonic.

Edited July 23, 2014 by hippetyhop

[Sub]

Sub and gettingstronger- Although he contacted me, I’d be surprised if he does cross the line as I gave him no inclination or whatnot of any explicit talk I kept it neutral and on topic.

I don't think he would, either. But I think it's more out of necessity than anything. He doesn't need to cross the line. He knows you're there. Not waiting for him, as you said. But you're there in some capacity, single. I'm not for playing games or "experimenting" with someone's emotions, but I'd be curious to know what his response would be if/when you met someone else and started dating them.

 

He may be trying to hook me in, but his actions do nothing for me to want to be involved with him at that level; hence me wondering if it can ever be kept platonic.

I think the greater question is this: Even if things did work on a platonic level between the two of you, do you think he can truly salvage his M while remaining friends with you?

[gettingstronger]

Bottom line for me-my wish for you is that you are able to do whats best for you-period- not this very minute for sure-but that each day you are able to see your situation more clearly and are able to take steps that benefit you- actually thats my wish for me as well, so don't think I am sitting on a high horse saying I am doing everything right in every situation every minute of everyday as I try to navigate the reality of my life right now-