"We're trying to save our marriage" [update]

[hippetyhop]

well, based on what I have read and lived, it is normal for a WS to be jolted by their spouse's suspicion to lay low and end the affair under the guise of saving the marriage.

 

But there are two problems with that: The spouse has no idea they have a marriage that needs saving AND the AP is politely back-burnered to "friend."

 

So polite and intermittent contact continues...

 

Once he is reasonably assured her suspicions have abated he will contact you again declaring you to be the love of his life. Hot sex will ensue.You have so kindly encouraged him to save his marriage, have abided by his parameters of less contact and have still remained friendly towards him. He knows you love and care for him.

 

Or, she remains suspicious of you and he finds someone else.

 

No offense here, but with three children six and under, that is ONE busy woman.

 

I was just wondering if she gets a chance to take a break from those babies and go for a run....

 

I think he's a bit scared/confused in general, and its been like this for about a year. However, this is the worse its ever been.

 

She doesn't know directly of me, nor to the best of my knowledge has he ever admitted to an A. She doesn't know my name, or what I look like if that helps your question. She's suspicious of a number (particularly mine from the call log) and of her husband's actions.

 

What do you mean by the spouse likely doesn't know of a marriage to be saved? They both know there are issues. He and her had a 'good talk' when they decided to try and save it. He probably gaslighted the situation to the best of his ability.

 

Good question about the 3 kids/future if they ever did D and we were able to work it out (better chance of hitting the lottery)-- I wouldn't have any problem with kids. I love kids. Due to reasons, I'm unlikely to have any myself.

 

What do you mean take a break from the babies and go for a run? Funny thing is--she's a runner So, she does go for her runs LOL!

[hippetyhop]

The only thing you can control is how you participate.

 

Think of it this way---> each and every time you communicate with him it feeds his ego at the expense of costing you a little piece of your self esteem and pride. Is it worth handing him all your power?

 

It serves him well to keep this up but it doesn't look like it serves you well.

 

That is true. My feelings for him are becoming more null and void the more he acts like this. He is pushing me further and further away.

[Red123]

Of course you will grieve the end of something that was important you, and we all have so many unanswered questions regardless of the side of the coin we are on. I think the response about you taking care of yourself comes from your posts. There seems to be an underlying theme of what's best for the MM and his life. So it appears people are wondering why you feel that is important after what he has done to you. Pain is pain and a lot of us are here asking questions that the other posters really can't answer for us but sometimes their perspectives help us think. My theory about boards and posting is that if I post I have to be prepared for some posts to be helpful and others to not. Take what you want from them and leave the rest. Tough love is all over these boards even toward BS. I've gotten some too. We all answer from our perspectives which is made from our experiences. So again take what you want and leave the rest.

[hippetyhop]

I appreciate the concerns, but honestly, I'm holding my own just fine. I'm not laying in fetal position rocking back and forth crying. I'm continuing my day to day living as I did during the A, and any time he acted like this. I'm thriving with my studies and at work, keeping up my regular gym regimen, and seeing my friends. I'm not shutting anyone out or being anti-social.

 

Why do I care about him in the capacity that I do and why its important to me? Its because it just is and its because its who I am. I'm a nurturer. Although I take care of myself, I still think about those who I love (family and friend) and whatnot. Bottom line: its who I am. My apologies as well if people think its a character flaw ALTHOUGH I do still make sure I'm taken care of. I love him and thus, I think about these things. Overtime, it'll fade but right now, I'm still grieving.

 

In these situations, asking someone to basically move on and not to grieve how many of us have been is being told a week after a parent has died to move on--their in a better place despite the circumstances. Its still crushing and those words aren't appropriate when it just happens out of the blue like this.

 

I just have questions....that is all. If I can't ask them here, then where can I?

Edited July 14, 2014 by hippetyhop

[tornado]

Those MMs get very angry when they get ignored by the OW. Their selfish ego is hurt! Believe me, the indifferent attitude is the best! At least, that was my experience.

 

So, just ignore him, and go on with your life. Think about you, not him. After some time, you will forget him and you will feel very FREE, like detoxicated.

Edited July 14, 2014 by tornado

[AmyBamy]

I appreciate the concerns, but honestly, I'm holding my own just fine. I'm not laying in fetal position rocking back and forth crying. I'm continuing my day to day living as I did during the A, and any time he acted like this. I'm thriving with my studies and at work, keeping up my regular gym regimen, and seeing my friends. I'm not shutting anyone out or being anti-social.

 

Why do I care about him in the capacity that I do and why its important to me? Its because it just is and its because its who I am. I'm a nurturer. Although I take care of myself, I still think about those who I love (family and friend) and whatnot. Bottom line: its who I am. My apologies as well if people think its a character flaw ALTHOUGH I do still make sure I'm taken care of. I love him and thus, I think about these things. Overtime, it'll fade but right now, I'm still grieving.

 

In these situations, asking someone to basically move on and not to grieve how many of us have been is being told a week after a parent has died to move on--their in a better place despite the circumstances. Its still crushing and those words aren't appropriate when it just happens out of the blue like this.

 

I just have questions....that is all. If I can't ask them here, then where can I?

 

I think that some people believe that you have no rights to grieve because he wasn't "yours" in the first place bc you didn't have that little fancy piece of paper saying so. Of course that's ridiculous. Your emotional investment is valid and important and worthy of grieving the loss of. You have every right to love him and consider his life since you do love him - of course these things are important to you bc they affect your lover, your partner - no piece of paper is needed to form those bonds, seriously.

 

I think you got this. It sounds like you are continuing on with your life and realizing what is in your control (you) and what isn't (him). It sounds like you are accepting of him making his choices and ready to make your own in regards to your options when they present themselves.

 

I am still betting though that he isn't really trying to fix the marriage as much as he is giving it the last try to ease his own guilt, to satisfy the (soon to be ex?) wife and family and such. The fact that he wants to keep in touch with you and is still calling you sexy shows me where his heart and thoughts are - no matter what he is trying to do, I think he already knows his marriage is over. Now it's just a matter of acknowledging that by ending that little piece of paper legally or ignoring it and "trying" to save something he obviously isn't invested in the actual relationship of.

[jwi71]

I appreciate the concerns, but honestly, I'm holding my own just fine. I'm not laying in fetal position rocking back and forth crying. I'm continuing my day to day living as I did during the A, and any time he acted like this. I'm thriving with my studies and at work, keeping up my regular gym regimen, and seeing my friends. I'm not shutting anyone out or being anti-social.

 

Good - you might be surprised at the number of AP's who do, in fact, behave like this.

 

Why do I care about him in the capacity that I do and why its important to me? Its because it just is and its because its who I am. I'm a nurturer. Although I take care of myself, I still think about those who I love (family and friend) and whatnot. Bottom line: its who I am. My apologies as well if people think its a character flaw ALTHOUGH I do still make sure I'm taken care of. I love him and thus, I think about these things. Overtime, it'll fade but right now, I'm still grieving.

 

Grieving is a process and, for me, its a retarded process when you two are still in contact and still exchanging inappropriate messages (referring to sexy et al). Hard to claim you are moving on and grieving - when you are still leaving the door open open (aka hope).

 

In these situations, asking someone to basically move on and not to grieve how many of us have been is being told a week after a parent has died to move on--their in a better place despite the circumstances. Its still crushing and those words aren't appropriate when it just happens out of the blue like this.

 

And what would you say to that person, while grieving, held daily or weekly seances to communicate?

 

I just have questions....that is all. If I can't ask them here, then where can I?

 

Great question. Why not ask them of your friends, family, co-workers, clergy etc...THEY are your TRUE support system - those are the people who love and support you...why not ask them? Lean on them - that circle of friends doesn't just exist for "the good times"....

[beach]

If I may ask...

 

Do you whole heartedly believe he can focus on and heal his M while still communicating with you?

[MayP]

If I may ask...

 

Do you whole heartedly believe he can focus on and heal his M while still communicating with you?

 

I thought about this exact question.

He said he wouldn't be in touch, for weeks- to fix. Explained mainly it is for the sake of his kid. Which I respect and hear the priority (kid) now. I am 'good to have' but non-essential. Certainly I thought if I truly care about him, my best response is to fade back and give him what he wish for. I have no desire to contact anymore, not that I don't think about him. Rather I hear his decision very clearly and that email seems to be the kindest goodbye for me. There is a catch though... he said he will contact me after... I have been thinking, why? To continue?

[hippetyhop]

Those MMs get very angry when they get ignored by the OW. Their selfish ego is hurt! Believe me, the indifferent attitude is the best! At least, that was my experience.

 

So, just ignore him, and go on with your life. Think about you, not him. After some time, you will forget him and you will feel very FREE, like detoxicated.

 

Thank you.

 

The first step is me not contacting him; which I'm not doing.

 

I was wondering what exactly not answering him would do--if he just wouldn't care, especially with the type of text he sent to me the other night.

 

I'm hoping he got his last little fix on Friday and he can move on from there.

 

Its hard not to think about someone when they've been in your life for however long.

 

I think that some people believe that you have no rights to grieve because he wasn't "yours" in the first place bc you didn't have that little fancy piece of paper saying so. Of course that's ridiculous. Your emotional investment is valid and important and worthy of grieving the loss of. You have every right to love him and consider his life since you do love him - of course these things are important to you bc they affect your lover, your partner - no piece of paper is needed to form those bonds, seriously.

 

I think you got this. It sounds like you are continuing on with your life and realizing what is in your control (you) and what isn't (him). It sounds like you are accepting of him making his choices and ready to make your own in regards to your options when they present themselves.

 

I am still betting though that he isn't really trying to fix the marriage as much as he is giving it the last try to ease his own guilt, to satisfy the (soon to be ex?) wife and family and such. The fact that he wants to keep in touch with you and is still calling you sexy shows me where his heart and thoughts are - no matter what he is trying to do, I think he already knows his marriage is over. Now it's just a matter of acknowledging that by ending that little piece of paper legally or ignoring it and "trying" to save something he obviously isn't invested in the actual relationship of.

 

I highly agree with you-- although he wasn't technically mine, we did have that connection and that connection is lost. Its like losing your best friend; the one you rely on and can talk about anything to. What makes it worse is that even though it was a rough year, this is like quitting cold turkey. Nothing predicated that text he sent that said "I can never see you again". It hurt.

 

I am accepting and making choices, but it is still hard. I think about him all the time. How can I not? Its not easy to give thinking about someone you love just like that. I'm doing my very best to prioritize me. I am doing my best to keep moving.

 

I don't think he realizes how its becoming easier for me to do so with his actions.

 

He knows I can make him happy and provide for him what he needs (we've discussed this in the past). I hope he meant it when he said he loves me. I like to think he still has feelings for me (more than the names he calls me, wanting to keep in contact), however, he is choosing not to be with me. I have, and slowing starting to accept that. Its not an easy feat. I am accepting he wants to work on his marriage, or that he is trying to. He said he has to at least try although its a complicated mess. I'm not sure what that entails, or if they'll be successful but that is between them. I am not doing anything to hinder that. Maybe it hurts him that I'm not fighting for his attention, but that isn't my problem. He knows where I stand. Like I said told him, as long as he's doing it to make him happy.

 

Thank you for the kind words...its definitely a journey.

[hippetyhop]

Good - you might be surprised at the number of AP's who do, in fact, behave like this.

 

See... we aren't all the same.

 

Grieving is a process and, for me, its a retarded process when you two are still in contact and still exchanging inappropriate messages (referring to sexy et al). Hard to claim you are moving on and grieving - when you are still leaving the door open open (aka hope).

We exchanged inappropriate messages one night. From there, he texted me that non question message. Perhaps that one text was all he needed to move on.

 

Considering the amount we used to speak before this incident and what we discussed (more than inappropriate texts), it hurts to move on not having that person to talk to. Just quit talking to someone cold turkey hurts as I am opting out of respect not to reach out to him. If I wanted to, I could. But why reopen that door?

 

I can leave the door open, but that doesn't guarantee that I will let him back in. I'm not reaching out to him first.

 

And what would you say to that person, while grieving, held daily or weekly seances to communicate?

I definitely wouldn't tell them to move on and get over it. I would be there to listen, give suggestions, but leave tough love out. There is a time and place for everything, and now isn't the place for that.

 

Have you gone over to the divorce forum and read their stories? Do you tell them to move on and get over it after they ended their relationship? After you vested so much time and energy, it isn't so simple.

 

Great question. Why not ask them of your friends, family, co-workers, clergy etc...THEY are your TRUE support system - those are the people who love and support you...why not ask them? Lean on them - that circle of friends doesn't just exist for "the good times"....

Because they haven't been through this. Yes, some know, but they've never been part of an A. They can give all their thoughtful inspirations and whatnot, but until they've been through this, they can't imagine the loss.

 

Imagine your SO is an alcoholic--yes, you would discuss it amongst friends and lean on them. However, if they aren't in your shoes, how are they going to give you advice as to how they coped and how they moved on during the hard times? Wouldn't you rather speak to like minds and people who've been through that?

 

 

If I may ask...

 

Do you whole heartedly believe he can focus on and heal his M while still communicating with you?

 

And that is why I'm not contacting him. I'm not going out of my way to communicate with him.

 

I thought about this exact question.

He said he wouldn't be in touch, for weeks- to fix. Explained mainly it is for the sake of his kid. Which I respect and hear the priority (kid) now. I am 'good to have' but non-essential. Certainly I thought if I truly care about him, my best response is to fade back and give him what he wish for. I have no desire to contact anymore, not that I don't think about him. Rather I hear his decision very clearly and that email seems to be the kindest goodbye for me. There is a catch though... he said he will contact me after... I have been thinking, why? To continue?

 

MayP- is he planning on staying married? My text from him was pretty clear as well. I am doing the same thing as you--just fading back and giving him what he wants and needs. I won't go out of my way to contact him.

Edited July 15, 2014 by hippetyhop

[MayP]

 

 

MayP- is he planning on staying married? My text from him was pretty clear as well. I am doing the same thing as you--just fading back and giving him what he wants and needs. I won't go out of my way to contact him.

 

Yes, in his email- loud and clear. A lot of explaining etc inside, mostly about his young kid. I understand, this is reality vs fantasy. Reality is he loves his kid much much more than himself and certainly- me.

I know I risk getting thrown under the bus (the big old talked about ending...). I am not planning to interrupt him and I think this is the most loving act I could do for him at the moment.

[hippetyhop]

Yes, in his email- loud and clear. A lot of explaining etc inside, mostly about his young kid. I understand, this is reality vs fantasy. Reality is he loves his kid much much more than himself and certainly- me.

I know I risk getting thrown under the bus (the big old talked about ending...). I am not planning to interrupt him and I think this is the most loving act I could do for him at the moment.

 

Mine didn't say anything about the kids or whatnot. Just that there are complicated issues and he has to try.

 

Just like you, I'm not planning on interrupting them either. I genuinely wish him the best of luck with it all. I hope one day he realizes I'm not doing this (non contact) because I'm angry or being childish- I'm giving him the space he needs.

[MayP]

Mine didn't say anything about the kids or whatnot. Just that there are complicated issues and he has to try.

 

Just like you, I'm not planning on interrupting them either. I genuinely wish him the best of luck with it all. I hope one day he realizes I'm not doing this (non contact) because I'm angry or being childish- I'm giving him the space he needs.

 

You got me here, with you. Take this time to learn to love yourself more, perhaps when he ever returns, you will be ready with the right sensible answers. I tell myself that, thinking how I will tell him my stand. Hang in there! Love yourself.

[AmyBamy]

Mine didn't say anything about the kids or whatnot. Just that there are complicated issues and he has to try.

 

Just like you, I'm not planning on interrupting them either. I genuinely wish him the best of luck with it all. I hope one day he realizes I'm not doing this (non contact) because I'm angry or being childish- I'm giving him the space he needs.

 

When a WS goes back to a marriage, they are going back to a lot of things, not just the spouse. Often times, the spouse is just part of the package that they have to take back. Their kids (that is a huge one), their house, their financial stability, the acceptance of their community and families. There is so much that is involved, it's not wonder that they (especially men) scramble to put it all back in place - even if it means being with a spouse that they don't necessarily want to be with.

 

I agree, give him the space. My exMM had some real clarity with this space. He tried, he really did - and then he called and said to me, "I cannot do this, I am not in love with her, I can't spend the rest of my life with her". He didn't WANT to give up the time with the kids, or the house, or all of the extras - but it came down to his not wanting to be with her had to outweigh all of that other stuff. There is a lot of investment in a marriage, and the spouse is only a small part of it, but can make it a very miserable arrangement depending.

 

I just heard today someone say, "life is too short to spend with anyone that isn't crazy about you, no matter what you've invested". I find that to be very true. Investment is important, but it shouldn't be the only thing holding you in a relationship, or a marriage. If it is, you are wasting time and life. We all deserve to be loved in a way that gives us butterflies,and yes, forever. Too many people become complacent in relationships, blaming their not nurturing the actual relationship on jobs, kids, housework, etc. It's ludicrous. We can do it all, but you have to prioritize to be able to do so - and if you aren't prioritizing your partner, you are slacking and no excuse excuses that.

 

Give him space, see where he lands. I bet he lands a lot more in the middle than he is right now - mine did. And, after finally accepting that he and she just weren't going to work, they were never going to be happy together, never had been really, he was able to start letting go of all of the investment and realize that happiness IS important, and no investment is in vain, but sometimes, the investment doesn't pan out, and that's okay.

[Owl]

Hippity...I still STRONGLY recommend you not only 'not respond to him'...but that you prevent him from contacting you in the first place.

 

The odds of you getting sucked back in remain much higher while you permit ANY kind of contact.

 

And as someone else posted...if there is ANY contact with you of any kind...there's NO forward progress on his marriage.

[Livingeachday]

Hippity...I still STRONGLY recommend you not only 'not respond to him'...but that you prevent him from contacting you in the first place.

 

The odds of you getting sucked back in remain much higher while you permit ANY kind of contact.

 

And as someone else posted...if there is ANY contact with you of any kind...there's NO forward progress on his marriage.

 

Owl that would be a sensible advice for somebody who really wants to end the affair because they think the can't take it anymore, really believe that it would be best for everybody involved to work on the marriage, or is even hurt enough by the message given to them by their AP to want to end it for good.

 

I just don't think that's the case here cos nothing in hippetyhops posts tell me -" I really want this to be over because he hurt me with telling me "He can never see me again." "

 

That's what actually worries me about your posts the most, hippetyhop. I don't see any "you" in the whole situation. It's all about him and what he will do and your reactions to his behaviour. You said you are a nurturer and I do understand that very well but please be carefull to not deny yourself feelings like hurt or anger.

[beach]

I agree as well - that you will gain a better sense of strength for yourself when you take solid action instead of waiting with a plan to react (to him).

[hippetyhop]

When a WS goes back to a marriage, they are going back to a lot of things, not just the spouse. Often times, the spouse is just part of the package that they have to take back. Their kids (that is a huge one), their house, their financial stability, the acceptance of their community and families. There is so much that is involved, it's not wonder that they (especially men) scramble to put it all back in place - even if it means being with a spouse that they don't necessarily want to be with.

 

I agree, give him the space. My exMM had some real clarity with this space. He tried, he really did - and then he called and said to me, "I cannot do this, I am not in love with her, I can't spend the rest of my life with her". He didn't WANT to give up the time with the kids, or the house, or all of the extras - but it came down to his not wanting to be with her had to outweigh all of that other stuff. There is a lot of investment in a marriage, and the spouse is only a small part of it, but can make it a very miserable arrangement depending.

 

I just heard today someone say, "life is too short to spend with anyone that isn't crazy about you, no matter what you've invested". I find that to be very true. Investment is important, but it shouldn't be the only thing holding you in a relationship, or a marriage. If it is, you are wasting time and life. We all deserve to be loved in a way that gives us butterflies,and yes, forever. Too many people become complacent in relationships, blaming their not nurturing the actual relationship on jobs, kids, housework, etc. It's ludicrous. We can do it all, but you have to prioritize to be able to do so - and if you aren't prioritizing your partner, you are slacking and no excuse excuses that.

 

Give him space, see where he lands. I bet he lands a lot more in the middle than he is right now - mine did. And, after finally accepting that he and she just weren't going to work, they were never going to be happy together, never had been really, he was able to start letting go of all of the investment and realize that happiness IS important, and no investment is in vain, but sometimes, the investment doesn't pan out, and that's okay.

 

I totally agree- when people get married, they build their nest together that is usually filled with all that good stuff. Once that nest is built, its hard to want to leave and build a new one. I'm sure sacrificing happiness takes a lot to keep that nest together.

 

You are right- people become too comfortable in their relationships when the everyday needs takes over theirs. Or, just generally falling out of love with that person/interests just aren't there. It takes effort on both parts to make sure that doesn't happen. However--what happens if one side loses sexual desire? Is it fair for the other side to suffer?

 

I am giving him his space and his clarity. Where he is now is probably the biggest mess he's gotten himself in. However, that isn't my problem and I'm letting them put it back together. I'm not waiting around for him. I have a life to live sans a spouse, kids, etc. The more I go without talking to him, the easier it is for me to continue. I do miss him, but I'm not sacrificing my happiness either.

[hippetyhop]

Hippity...I still STRONGLY recommend you not only 'not respond to him'...but that you prevent him from contacting you in the first place.

 

The odds of you getting sucked back in remain much higher while you permit ANY kind of contact.

 

And as someone else posted...if there is ANY contact with you of any kind...there's NO forward progress on his marriage.

 

Owl that would be a sensible advice for somebody who really wants to end the affair because they think the can't take it anymore, really believe that it would be best for everybody involved to work on the marriage, or is even hurt enough by the message given to them by their AP to want to end it for good.

 

I just don't think that's the case here cos nothing in hippetyhops posts tell me -" I really want this to be over because he hurt me with telling me "He can never see me again." "

 

That's what actually worries me about your posts the most, hippetyhop. I don't see any "you" in the whole situation. It's all about him and what he will do and your reactions to his behaviour. You said you are a nurturer and I do understand that very well but please be carefull to not deny yourself feelings like hurt or anger.

 

I agree as well - that you will gain a better sense of strength for yourself when you take solid action instead of waiting with a plan to react (to him).

 

The thing is--there are no guarantees anywhere that he is going to contact me again. Although I didn't close the door, he knows that all attempts are going to have to be done by him. Perhaps he gave up as well as he can't handle both an A and a M. I'm not reaching out to him first, and I think he knows that. Maybe us amicably walking away how we are with a mutual understanding of the above (he can never see me again) is truly the end.... which I firmly believe it is. I'm not waiting around for him as I don't think I'll get anymore of those non-question texts either.

 

I do have feelings such as hurt and anger. However, my happiness and the opportunity to meet other people will not be hindered by that.

[gettingstronger]

You're doing great. I see a loosening of his grip on you in every post. As long as today you are stronger than yesterday, you are making progress. We each heal at our own pace, to me as long as I'm better than the day before, even for a few minutes, I know I'm doing good.

[hippetyhop]

You're doing great. I see a loosening of his grip on you in every post. As long as today you are stronger than yesterday, you are making progress. We each heal at our own pace, to me as long as I'm better than the day before, even for a few minutes, I know I'm doing good.

 

Thank you--I am a little bit everyday.

 

Its a process though. Its not easy, but I'm making progress. Trust me, I miss him, but what is the alternative?

 

That is how I feel--I have my sad moments, but I'm still a bit stronger than the day before.

 

It'll all be okay in the end.

 

Hang in there.... the ride will be over before we know it!

[AmyBamy]

I totally agree- when people get married, they build their nest together that is usually filled with all that good stuff. Once that nest is built, its hard to want to leave and build a new one. I'm sure sacrificing happiness takes a lot to keep that nest together.

 

You are right- people become too comfortable in their relationships when the everyday needs takes over theirs. Or, just generally falling out of love with that person/interests just aren't there. It takes effort on both parts to make sure that doesn't happen. However--what happens if one side loses sexual desire? Is it fair for the other side to suffer?

 

I am giving him his space and his clarity. Where he is now is probably the biggest mess he's gotten himself in. However, that isn't my problem and I'm letting them put it back together. I'm not waiting around for him. I have a life to live sans a spouse, kids, etc. The more I go without talking to him, the easier it is for me to continue. I do miss him, but I'm not sacrificing my happiness either.

 

Far too many people put their primary relationship on the back burner for other things because they think that it will self nurture and just always be there. Then one day they wake up and it's not only not there, it's demolished. That is his battle to fight. And I hear you on the sexless thing. My exH stopped having sex with me, and my exMM had the same issue with his ex wife. As far as I'm concerned, once a partner stops participating in the intimacy of the relationship (emotionally or physically), it is null and void and all should react accordingly. Ideally, the offending partner would end the relationship, but they never do, just seem to expect the other person to "go without" intimacy and be okay with it. It's sad to see it happen all the time, but happen all the time it does.

 

I'm wishing you nothing but good stuff. I think you are doing exactly what you need to be doing. Only you can make the decisions that affect your life, you are the one that lives it, nobody else. Like I said, I think that he is doing that pendulum thing right now - they swing away from the marriage because it sucks, then they swing back to trying everything to make it work, but eventually, it balances out and the reality of the situation is seen for what it is and then, and only then, can he make really clear decisions about what to do.

[georgia girl]

While I see the validity in your point - marriages like all relationships need to be nourished and if they aren't, damage can result. I also think that you are providing a different viewpoint than many here and it is both very hopeful to other women and also very necessary for this board as you are correct, there are a lot of negative viewpoints on here.

 

But, I hope that HippityHop, you realize that just as some of us go to the extreme of painting a harsh picture, the extreme rosy picture can also be harmful. Somewhere in between lies the reality of your situation and I would encourage you to continue the path that you have been moving towards on this thread.

 

If the rosy picture develops, then your MM will find that he has a force to be reckoned with and this will help you better balance yours and his needs into the future. But if it doesn't, you hVe embarked on a healthy course which will aid in your healing.

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Ideally, the offending partner would end the relationship, but they never do, just seem to expect the other person to "go without" intimacy and be okay with it. It's sad to see it happen all the time, but happen all the time it does.

 

The responsibility for ending it should fall on both equally, if that's the case. If a person doesn't feel wanted physically, they should communicate that. If nothing changes after that communication, they should leave IMO.