Hopeless

[GoBlue]

I know that what I am doing is so so so very wrong. His wife is due in August, and feel sick about what I am doing to this women and her innocent child. But I can't seem to help myself; he is like a drug for me. I have tried to break it off several times, and he never lets me...

 

Thank you for your honesty. I know that it is not easy to admit your failures before a group of people so I do applaud you for taking this step. I added the above quote from your post because I wanted you to read it to yourself outloud. The reason I wanted you to do that is because if you heard a friend of yours say what's in this quote you would have a similar response to what most of us are having - Uh, he can't make you do anything.

 

You are on the right road here because you have done two things: admit that this behavior is wrong and unacceptable, and you have admitted that you are powerless to control yourself. The clear solution is that DRASTIC steps have to be taken. I do want to remind you that it "takes two to tango" but at the same time you are responsible for your own behavior. What do you think needs to happen for you to stop once and for all? Who have you confided in that can hold you accountable? What are some practical things you can do right now to do what you know is right (change your phone number, cut-off contact at work, etc.)?

 

There is one thing I have discovered in my own life - secret sins never die. They resurface and live in the shadows. The ones that come to light, however, are the ones that perish. I have no judgment against you because I have failed in the past myself, but I have come to the place where I refuse to let my past failures control me and produce present failures. I will be praying that you find the strength to do what is right because I can hear the anguish in your words. Blessings!

[ChasingHope]

Criedallout, I am ok with people passing judgement, and hearing/believing what they want--they let their own misery dictate their judgement on others. I simply ignore what they post, and choose instead focus on people who have actual advice to give.

[ChasingHope]

Criedallout, I am ok with people passing judgement, and hearing/believing what they want--they let their own misery dictate their judgement on others. I simply ignore what they post, and choose instead focus on people who have actual advice to give.

 

And I feel worse for individuals who come to these sites to act out on their own pain and anger than I do for those like you and I who are here to seek support and wisdom from those who have been thru this.

[fellini]

And I feel worse for individuals who come to these sites to act out on their own pain and anger than I do for those like you and I who are here to seek support and wisdom from those who have been thru this.

 

Is it wisdom you seek? Truly? You need post in LS so that you can be offered the nobrainer that all you need to do is walk away from an engaged, then married man with newborn on the way?

 

What possible solution can you expect in here?

 

Support: Im sorry for your pain, now perhaps would be a good time to consider, with all due respect, kindly, walk away from this man, please, if it wouldnt be too much trouble.

 

Acting out pain: Walk away.

 

Ow in same shoes: ive been there walk away with your head high. But walk.

 

Problem solved. All deep insights into how to end an affair with a married man.

[ChasingHope]

ChasingHope... I could be you in many ways in my impossible tangle.

 

Anyways, I can't make you feel better. No one really could. But you can and eventually you will. We all will.

 

MayP, I'm sorry you are going thru this....what is your story, if you don't mind me asking?

[ChasingHope]

OMG. Same here! I never...I mean never initiated contact. I also was at his mercy as far as seeing each other and as far as expectations I only expected him to end it with me with dignity...we see how that happened.

 

Im sorry you are in pain hope

 

Thanks Criedallout....I know that we will feel better at some point...it's just getting to that point.

Edited July 1, 2014 by ChasingHope
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[MayP]

MayP, I'm sorry you are going thru this....what is your story, if you don't mind me asking?

 

Different as in, I am married, he was single. We went thru stages of closeness, drawing away and 'ignorance'. In between he got married and had a kid. We didn't let it out until he had to leave the country.

I could be you... if we had started, he having a kid and he hits me with the same story and throw me under the bus.

Certainly I didn't feel very good now as well. He wants to maintain friends and I am hurting. End of story? 6 days since we last contacted and I am resisting myself. I have no clue, I hope the pain will go away.

[ChasingHope]

MayP, I am sorry to hear that you are in pain. Are you still married? Does the OW know that you have feelings for him?

[Criedallout]

Well I hit the anger stage today!! I couldn't take being ignored anymore and I sent a text telling him exactly what I thought. Yep and I blocked him from everything. For now I feel better

[MayP]

MayP, I am sorry to hear that you are in pain. Are you still married? Does the OW know that you have feelings for him?

 

Yes, we both are. He knows, it has been mutual through the years. We trashed it out before he left and in doing so, we became separated by distance. I don't know what we are really. Not a PA, a mild version of EA? We don't talk daily and not head over heels, exchange emails a few times a week. Issue here is, I am being the emotional party. He never left my thoughts, every day I think about him. On good days, fine. On bad days, it kills.

 

Well I hit the anger stage today!! I couldn't take being ignored anymore and I sent a text telling him exactly what I thought. Yep and I blocked him from everything. For now I feel better

 

Oh dear Criedallout. Is it a good thing? Is there a way he will contact you? Or there is a corner of your heart you want to hear a reply? This is all really complicated. Many times I thought of writing him a final email and knowing I may still want to hear his explanations and that will make me go round and round. I think it is pointless, don't want to slap my own mouth.

[Scorpio Chick]

Though there is a certain amount of relief, I still feel like my heart just broke into bits and pieces. When I tried to end things over email, he would insist I have the conversation with him in person. And then we would go back to the way things were. I feel so cheap and worthless, but I guess you sow what you reap. I know I didn't deserve any better, but there is that small part that wishes they cared enough to treat you like they cared.

 

ChasingHope, that is true, we reap what we sow. You made a big mistake, but it very much sounds like you know it, and you are sorry for it. That's huge.

 

Please don't beat yourself up over it, it is done. ALL you can do is go forward with your life, and you are very young. Now you can reap the rewards that WILL come from staying strong if he should come around again, which wouldn't surprise me. We reap the good as well as the bad, so don't forget that.

[ChasingHope]

ChasingHope, that is true, we reap what we sow. You made a big mistake, but it very much sounds like you know it, and you are sorry for it. That's huge.

 

Please don't beat yourself up over it, it is done. ALL you can do is go forward with your life, and you are very young. Now you can reap the rewards that WILL come from staying strong if he should come around again, which wouldn't surprise me. We reap the good as well as the bad, so don't forget that.

 

Thanks for this, Scorpio Chick. I went out of town for the holiday and didn't think much about things, but now that I am back at work, I am feeling a bit blue. This post made me feel a bit better

[ChasingHope]

Having a bit of a rough day today, and could really benefit from other's stories or POV's who might have been in the same situation....

 

It's been a little over two weeks since MM and I last spoke (he ended it thru an email). Since then, his wife had their baby. He wasn't at work at all last week, which I was so thankful for...it gave some time to move on from the situation. I was hoping he would be out on paternity this week, but it seems he is back at work. Not sure if he is on a revised schedule or not, but I was hoping for one more week of him not being here to heal some more.

 

Has anyone been in this situation where you dread seeing the MM (if you work with him)? I am so humiliated by how things ended, so much so th at I feel like I am creeping around so I don't run the risk of seeing him. Has anyone been in this position? And how long before you don't care if you see him/her or not?

[halfalive]

Yes, I have been there and it was the most painful things to experience. Having to see him walk through the front door everyday and walk past me without so much as a glance in my direction. I couldn't handle it and it would have destroyed me to stay...so I quit my job without another one lined up. And I am the breadwinner, so it was not an easy decision. Luckily, I found another job within a week, but I know if I had stayed, I would have not been able to move on.

 

 

It's been over a year and about 5 broken NC's, but I am FINALLY moving on. It still hurts to think about it sometimes, but I no longer have the rose colored glasses on!

 

 

 

 

Having a bit of a rough day today, and could really benefit from other's stories or POV's who might have been in the same situation....

 

It's been a little over two weeks since MM and I last spoke (he ended it thru an email). Since then, his wife had their baby. He wasn't at work at all last week, which I was so thankful for...it gave some time to move on from the situation. I was hoping he would be out on paternity this week, but it seems he is back at work. Not sure if he is on a revised schedule or not, but I was hoping for one more week of him not being here to heal some more.

 

Has anyone been in this situation where you dread seeing the MM (if you work with him)? I am so humiliated by how things ended, so much so th at I feel like I am creeping around so I don't run the risk of seeing him. Has anyone been in this position? And how long before you don't care if you see him/her or not?

[ChasingHope]

Well, I just got this message from his boss (in regards to a meeting he was scheduled for):

 

"I am not sure if he will be in or not and he has a lot on his plate getting ready for “real paternity leave”.

 

Part of me is grateful that I will have more time to heal and move on from things, but there is still that part of me that hurts. I wish I hadn't let myself get so carried away by my feelings. At this point, it's not about the fact that things ended, it's me being scared and feeling hopeless that I will actually find someone that I connected with so deeply, and "got me". He really is everything I want in a guy (besides being married with a baby). I'm scared that I won't find that ever again. And he did seem to have an interest in me, warts and all. It's hard to find somoene who accepts you for who you are.

[ChasingHope]

Having a tough time today, harder than it has been since the A ended....had my first work interaction with him since he returned from paternity leave. I have long since accepted that not only is the A over, but also our friendship. However, I had to have a work related conversation with him face to face, and it was just so formal and emotionless. I think that is why I am sitting at my desk, swallowing this huge lump in my throat and trying not to cry--I really really really miss my friend.

 

Does anyone have any stories of hope or encouragement?

[Gracie_1]

ChasingHope,

 

I am so sorry that you are feeling low right now but I do have some thoughts of encouragement for you...

 

The first time seeing him is done and over with! And that is a big hurdle to put behind you.

 

Emotionally tough BUT YOU DID IT !!!

 

You are stronger and smarter now.

 

Someday your post will read "I saw him today, what was I thinking?"

 

Do something good for yourself today..you deserve it.

[ChasingHope]

ChasingHope,

 

I am so sorry that you are feeling low right now but I do have some thoughts of encouragement for you...

 

The first time seeing him is done and over with! And that is a big hurdle to put behind you.

 

Emotionally tough BUT YOU DID IT !!!

 

You are stronger and smarter now.

 

Someday your post will read "I saw him today, what was I thinking?"

 

Do something good for yourself today..you deserve it.

 

Gracie, you don't know how much this meant to me. Your kindness is overwhelming (but in a good way).

 

We just had another F2F meeting, only lasted a minute or so, but was so detached and cold and impersonal. Maybe it's because we had such an easy friendship before that being such a stark contrast is making me feel depressed. The way he acts makes me feel as if I am the one who is at fault, instead of it being an equal amount of wrong doing. I am have some lingering feelings of humiliation that stem from how he ended things that I am having trouble letting go of.

 

I know that his life has continued, and that he is getting to know his new baby, enjoying this new part of his life, etc, and that I don't cross his mind. I thought I was doing better, but today is a major set back. Hopefully tomorrow is better. But I do miss him. I wish that would go away.

[enya46]

ChasingHope,

 

I admire your strength and how you are coping with the situation.

It must be very difficult for you seeing him at work and feeling the change towards you.

Do you think it would be a bad idea to talk with him over a cup of coffee? Maybe you can tell him directly how you feel and he will give you some explanation as to why he is so cold to you.

I don't see why he has to be. You were his friend and you have never put him in an uncomfortable situation that would make him now keep such an emotional distance.

He may have felt guilty for what he did, but you are not to blame or to be punished for that.

Maybe there is a way that you two can recover the friendship you miss so much, unless you or him (or both) still have feelings for each other.

[ChasingHope]

ChasingHope,

 

I admire your strength and how you are coping with the situation.

It must be very difficult for you seeing him at work and feeling the change towards you.

Do you think it would be a bad idea to talk with him over a cup of coffee? Maybe you can tell him directly how you feel and he will give you some explanation as to why he is so cold to you.

I don't see why he has to be. You were his friend and you have never put him in an uncomfortable situation that would make him now keep such an emotional distance.

He may have felt guilty for what he did, but you are not to blame or to be punished for that.

Maybe there is a way that you two can recover the friendship you miss so much, unless you or him (or both) still have feelings for each other.

 

Enya, thank you so much for your response. I can’t begin to express how much this forum has helped. I have friends who know about the situation, and though they care a great deal for me, they have never been in this situation and don’t understand the emotions that come from it. I’m glad that I can come here and gain wisdom and strength from other’s situations. I felt very alone yesterday, but the comments/encouragement definitely helped.

 

Enya, I thought a lot about your suggestion, and though it pains me to say it—I don’t think meeting him would be a good idea. I would give ANYTHING to go back in time and stop things before they started. I am not wishing this because I know that the A was wrong (very selfish, I know), but because I want the friendship back. For two years, he was someone I trusted and relied on. He was there during my breakups with other men, when things got stressful at work and I needed to vent, etc. He stood by me during a particularly messy breakup in which we both knew the guy that broke up with me, and was always there when I was upset or depressed. I miss having his support. However, I still have a bit of pride left, which stops me from reaching out to him to talk. Reason being—I don’t think he cares all that much; or, at least not as much as I do. It would completely break me for him to reject my offer of friendship. I think that he is moving on, being a husband and father, and that he wants to forget the past. There is still that prideful part of me that wants him to think that I am moving on just as easily and am not giving our time together a 2nd thought.

 

I also don’t think I want to talk to him about how detached our meetings are, because I don’t want to be seen as “dramatic”. Even though I hate these cold and unfriendly interactions, I would hate even more for him to think that I am some over-emotional female that is trying to create drama where there is none. And I keep thinking that maybe he doesn’t see the interactions the same way I do—he could just think we are being professional.

 

And lastly, if I am being honest, I still have feelings for him. I wish so much that they would go away, and though they seem to have lessened, they are still there. I know that my feelings would be hurt if he declined my invitation to talk, or if he said that he would prefer things continue as is, because he is moving on. I guess I just feel that when he decided it was over, it was completely over and he doesn’t want me in his life at all. Instead of trying to change his mind, I think I would retain more dignity if he thought the same about me.

 

I am extremely depressed today, have had to walk out of my office and cry a few times. Hopefully it will get better? It can ONLY get better, right?

[Meretchen]

ChasingHope, I wish I could give you a big hug right now and tell you that, yes, it will get better - we have to believe it, use our will to want the change and you know what? Then it will happen! It is true

 

I am in a situation right now much like yours and I am so sorry that you are hurting. Believe me, I know.

[jwi71]

Having a tough time today, harder than it has been since the A ended....had my first work interaction with him since he returned from paternity leave. I have long since accepted that not only is the A over, but also our friendship. However, I had to have a work related conversation with him face to face, and it was just so formal and emotionless. I think that is why I am sitting at my desk, swallowing this huge lump in my throat and trying not to cry--I really really really miss my friend.

 

Does anyone have any stories of hope or encouragement?

 

Some people never recovered. The struggled - or continue to do so - with the breakup. They, maybe, look within and find the answers they always had - but reject - and some never seek. It forever taints their lives and future romance. They carry it around forever tainting the present and the future.

 

Some people recover. They cry, they mourn, they reflect, they learn and grow. They don't stop when its hard. They look. They seek. That terrible weight is set down. They find love and happiness - and the past becomes exactly that. In fact, some people, speak openly of it realizing the past does not define us. The lessons we learn DO.

 

Which person would you like to be?

[enya46]

Enya, thank you so much for your response. I can’t begin to express how much this forum has helped. I have friends who know about the situation, and though they care a great deal for me, they have never been in this situation and don’t understand the emotions that come from it. I’m glad that I can come here and gain wisdom and strength from other’s situations. I felt very alone yesterday, but the comments/encouragement definitely helped.

 

Enya, I thought a lot about your suggestion, and though it pains me to say it—I don’t think meeting him would be a good idea. I would give ANYTHING to go back in time and stop things before they started. I am not wishing this because I know that the A was wrong (very selfish, I know), but because I want the friendship back. For two years, he was someone I trusted and relied on. He was there during my breakups with other men, when things got stressful at work and I needed to vent, etc. He stood by me during a particularly messy breakup in which we both knew the guy that broke up with me, and was always there when I was upset or depressed. I miss having his support. However, I still have a bit of pride left, which stops me from reaching out to him to talk. Reason being—I don’t think he cares all that much; or, at least not as much as I do. It would completely break me for him to reject my offer of friendship. I think that he is moving on, being a husband and father, and that he wants to forget the past. There is still that prideful part of me that wants him to think that I am moving on just as easily and am not giving our time together a 2nd thought.

 

I also don’t think I want to talk to him about how detached our meetings are, because I don’t want to be seen as “dramatic”. Even though I hate these cold and unfriendly interactions, I would hate even more for him to think that I am some over-emotional female that is trying to create drama where there is none. And I keep thinking that maybe he doesn’t see the interactions the same way I do—he could just think we are being professional.

 

And lastly, if I am being honest, I still have feelings for him. I wish so much that they would go away, and though they seem to have lessened, they are still there. I know that my feelings would be hurt if he declined my invitation to talk, or if he said that he would prefer things continue as is, because he is moving on. I guess I just feel that when he decided it was over, it was completely over and he doesn’t want me in his life at all. Instead of trying to change his mind, I think I would retain more dignity if he thought the same about me.

 

I am extremely depressed today, have had to walk out of my office and cry a few times. Hopefully it will get better? It can ONLY get better, right?

 

 

It gets better. It really gets better. You cry and you cry and you get angry with him and then with yourself. You just need to FEEL GOOD WITH YOURSELF. Meet good friends and try to laugh about the situation. You see, there are SO MANY people with similar problems.

Your MM has his thoughts about your time together. I'm 100% sure. If he doesn't care, as you said, then DO NOT CARE about somebody who doesn't care.

That's why I suggested to talk to him. Communication is for me the Most important thing. And it has nothing to do with dignity.

Many hugs.

[Meretchen]

Hon, I am sad to say this, but I would not advice you to talk to him - if he wants anything from you, believe me, he will do the honors, no matter what. Do not be a doormat to this guy

[enya46]

Hon, I am sad to say this, but I would not advice you to talk to him - if he wants anything from you, believe me, he will do the honors, no matter what. Do not be a doormat to this guy

 

Meretchen, I kindly disagree.

She is the one having a huge problem with the situation.

She should try to find the solution. Not expect him to do the honors. He won't. He's married and will not take any risks or do anything that will make him feel guilty again. Not yet.

 

I do not see why asking a former good friend how his life is going and if there is a chance that they can regain their frienship makes you a doormat.

 

Of course, it takes self esteem to do it. If you are already feeling like a doormat, then you will be one.