Trying hard to accept the breakup and accept the fact that's he has changed [updates]

[geebelle]

And to add, he probably has another girl lined up on the side he is using you as a last option while seeing if it can work with this other girl. Don't be his friend right now, don't give into his petty ways

 

According to his social networks he has a FEW other girls. Also when he contacts me he keeps asking if I'm involved with someone else and saying "I better not be"

[Amy74]

I'm right there with you buddy. It's really hard to resist the temptation of looking...but we both have to understand that it's just not healthy. Nothing on those sites is true. Like several people have said: FB and other social media is a form of PR. Any sensible person who actually does feel great and is moving forward from something in a healthy way doesn't feel the need to announce it and show it off in front of all their friends in such a public way.

 

 

I am sooooo guilty of doing this...checking his status..his friend's status...even his ex's status...it's just gross and hurtful. I haven't blocked him but I unfriended him and yet continue to make happy (fake) "I've moved on and look how happy am I am and how much fun I'm having."

 

I feel so juvenile and gross--I'm an adult woman for crying out loud.

 

So thank you exfiance for convincing me--I think it's time to deactivate my FB and really work on moving on. It's not like I'm using FB for anything else anyway *eyeroll*.

[geebelle]

Let me start by saying even before I came along he was a major player, messed with and slept with a lot of girls. Lied to, used and cheated on plenty in fact none of his relationships before me even lasted longer than a few weeks. Of course he ended up sweeping me off my feet with words and I fell and ended up being his longest and lost serious relationship but even that didn't change his ways. I have this insecure feeling of what if he will be better to the next than he was to me :/

[Smarty Pants]

Doesn't matter. Your next will be better than him.

[sugarlove]

Why will he treat the next better? If he hasn't take steps to treat you better, then he hasn't change. He reckons he's right so he will do the same to others as he did to you. Be secure about your awesomeness!!

[geebelle]

So far today I have been progressing I haven't looked at his twitter or facebook. I'm simply ignoring the urge and talking myself out of it! Hopefully I can keep up with this.

[Amy74]

...or that she'll make him happier...

...or that his mother will like her better...

...his kids will like her better...

...she'll be better...

 

I also plague myself with these self-destructive thoughts. The truth is that it doesn't matter...it might FEEL like it matters...but not in reality.

 

You are not with him for whatever reason but based on this short paragraph that I read it's a valid reason...he is a player.

 

So go take a bath, take a nap, take a jog, read a book, bake a cake...just go think about something else for a while.

[mammasita]

Everyone generally corrects their course as they move on. Why wouldn't anyone do better next time?

 

Stop driving yourself crazy.

[theexfiance]

I am sooooo guilty of doing this...checking his status..his friend's status...even his ex's status...it's just gross and hurtful. I haven't blocked him but I unfriended him and yet continue to make happy (fake) "I've moved on and look how happy am I am and how much fun I'm having."

 

I feel so juvenile and gross--I'm an adult woman for crying out loud.

 

So thank you exfiance for convincing me--I think it's time to deactivate my FB and really work on moving on. It's not like I'm using FB for anything else anyway *eyeroll*.

 

Hey, no problem. Glad I could help. I'm just starting to follow my own advice (as of last night when I wrote this I haven't checked her e-mail/FB ). But I think it's true and it's not just coming from me. We make our pain so much worse by always wanting to know what's going on with them.

 

In my case...I know she's an emotional wreck with a ton of baggage and a poor ability to work out her problems with others. Combine this with the idea that people don't ever really change much and it seems illogical that I'm so hung up, right?

 

Unfortunately Amy74, this world of internet dating and breaking up over text messages/having internet "friends" is a very juvenile and gross world. We all get swept up in it...don't feel bad. We just have to remember that it's all a show.

 

When I was looking at my ex's FB and e-mail, I realized that the majority of her FB friends (all in her age range 21-24) were all going through divorces, broken engagements, etc. Maybe it's contagious or they see that everyone else is doing it and gloating about it on FB and they feel supported and proud. I come from a psychology background (M.S. in psych) and several studies have indicated that FB is all about "perceived social support." This benefit is often potentially outweighed by depression in real life and can lead to serious problems.

 

In other words...it's simple operant conditioning. They go on FB...brag about their break up. They receive "likes", texts from friends, attention from other potential mates...all things that reinforce their behavior. Initially, this likely gives the person a feeling of being high and happy/satisfied.

 

Eventually...the rewards for this type of behavior diminish. People get sick of hearing about it. If things work out for them in real life, they move on. More often than not, the people giving them this type of attention during these phases are equally unhealthy.

 

Like attracts like. Unhealthy people will always only attract other unhealthy people. Remind yourself of this whenever you are tempted to pedestalize your ex.

 

And talk to us! We're all going through the same ****. I know I feel loads better when I get to talk to like minded folks experiencing the same pain/confusion as me. It's perfectly normal.

[Always Pondering]

So far today I have been progressing I haven't looked at his twitter or facebook. I'm simply ignoring the urge and talking myself out of it! Hopefully I can keep up with this.

 

That's great to hear! It's good you're talking yourself out of it and know the fact that you can keep up with this. The longer you keep up with it (and NC), the easier it will get. Remind yourself that there is absolutely no benefit for yourself by checking his profile(s) whenever you feel the urge to. In truth, you'd be more likely to see something that would hurt you rather than help you. You could find out the hard way but there's no reason for you to do that.

 

It'll slowly progress to a point of no-interest for you, I can guarantee that. Soon, you may have the urge and all you have to tell yourself is "Nope." Then at some later point, you won't even have the urge at all and think back on how crazy you must have looked to yourself when you kept checking their profile.

 

If you require social media to talk to a specific few who you can't talk to easily with outside means, you can just simply block him (and anyone else if you need to) instead of deactivating your account. It's all up to you though. I have several friends who I met through mutual friends who go to high school still and a couple of them do not have cellphones.

[d0nnivain]

Who cares?

 

The important part you should focus on is whether your next BF treats you better.

 

What he's doing or not doing is irrelevant He should no longer exist to you as anything other than a memory.

 

Stop worrying about him & focus on you.

[geebelle]

That's great to hear! It's good you're talking yourself out of it and know the fact that you can keep up with this. The longer you keep up with it (and NC), the easier it will get. Remind yourself that there is absolutely no benefit for yourself by checking his profile(s) whenever you feel the urge to. In truth, you'd be more likely to see something that would hurt you rather than help you. You could find out the hard way but there's no reason for you to do that.

 

It'll slowly progress to a point of no-interest for you, I can guarantee that. Soon, you may have the urge and all you have to tell yourself is "Nope." Then at some later point, you won't even have the urge at all and think back on how crazy you must have looked to yourself when you kept checking their profile.

 

If you require social media to talk to a specific few who you can't talk to easily with outside means, you can just simply block him (and anyone else if you need to) instead of deactivating your account. It's all up to you though. I have several friends who I met through mutual friends who go to high school still and a couple of them do not have cellphones.

 

 

I ended up deleting my facebook all together and plan to keep it that way until I'm over this. But I must say the urge is equivalent to a drug addict (I never did drugs but I'm sure it's the same). I know in the end I'll be so proud of myself. That's for those great words I needed to read that.

[geebelle]

I find myself replaying situations and thinking of him a little too much I'm starting to think maybe I'm not healing? Any insight

[Ordinaryday]

I find myself replaying situations and thinking of him a little too much I'm starting to think maybe I'm not healing? Any insight

 

there is no one-size fits all solution. it might mean that, it could mean you are coming to your senses.

 

one thing you shouldnt do is continually think of all the 'ifs' - "if only I did this/didn't do that... we could still be together"

 

obsessing over the If's is tempting but ultimately pointless because they didnt happen, and instead you broke up, so pondering over what might have happened (instead of moving on from what actually happened) will only delay you.

[ProcessingThisBU]

I find myself on the same path. I think of her a lot, but in a way that I'm looking for ways to kill the hope for she contacting me... I mean I think that because of this or because of that, I'm delusional thinking that she will reach out to me. Looking for reasons to accept that fact. But it's painful, I don't know if I'm doing right, so any advice would help.

[geebelle]

there is no one-size fits all solution. it might mean that, it could mean you are coming to your senses.

 

one thing you shouldnt do is continually think of all the 'ifs' - "if only I did this/didn't do that... we could still be together"

 

obsessing over the If's is tempting but ultimately pointless because they didnt happen, and instead you broke up, so pondering over what might have happened (instead of moving on from what actually happened) will only delay you.

Good thing is I'm not so much thinking about the "ifs" I find myself trying to figure him out and why he's switched up on me. That might be delaying me as well

[geebelle]

I find myself on the same path. I think of her a lot, but in a way that I'm looking for ways to kill the hope for she contacting me... I mean I think that because of this or because of that, I'm delusional thinking that she will reach out to me. Looking for reasons to accept that fact. But it's painful, I don't know if I'm doing right, so any advice would help.

 

I was like that a week ago but he has contacted me but now I'm more so focusing on NOT responding the next time he does contact me. That's going to be the best way for you to move on is to not speak to them at ALL.

[geebelle]

So it's about almost a week since any contact has been made and it feels like he's off the face of the earth. It feels really weird going from talking to someone everyday for a couple years to NOTHING. Even tho this strategy is for the best when does the thoughts of the person just stop? When do you stop caring what they are up to

[Smarty Pants]

So it's about almost a week since any contact has been made and it feels like he's off the face of the earth. It feels really weird going from talking to someone everyday for a couple years to NOTHING. Even tho this strategy is for the best when does the thoughts of the person just stop? When do you stop caring what they are up to

 

There is no time frame. I can tell you that it is going to take awhile if you spent many years together.

 

Yes, it does feel like they are dead. But you haven't yet. Take the advice from this forum and go out and live well, it is the best revenge.

[me85]

They are dead...to us.

 

I'm at 9 days NC, (this go round) and it's tough but it's for the best.

 

They're not a part of our lives anymore. You live, you learn, you love, you lose...life goes on.

 

Not caring is a dance you will perfect over time.

[Zahara]

A break-up and the grief that you experience is equivalent to losing someone to death. So, yes -- what you are feeling is normal.

[lionheart153]

My therapist said it was just like death, could be worse because there is no definite closure either.

[marcjb]

I feel like a break up is worse than a death because with a break up, the person actually chooses to end it with you. With a death, they most likely did not make the choice.

[Hoosfoos]

I feel like a break up is worse than a death because with a break up, the person actually chooses to end it with you. With a death, they most likely did not make the choice.

 

 

Which makes me think it would have been easier for me if she had died rather than left me.

[Chi townD]

In a way, you are. You literally mourn the loss of them as you would with someone that has passed on. You mourn the loss of the relationship as well.

 

 

 

 

However, NC isn't forever. You stay away from them until all romantic feelings for them are gone from you and if you see them the only thing you feel is indifferent.