Dumper came back, but is choosing between me and new man

[leesc90]

YOU make the decision. You can make the choice to move on and get off of this merry go round. It's very short sighted to stay in limbo when you could begin making progress in a different direction. You have basically let her render you powerless. I know it's tough, but can all the shots here.

 

yeah that one night she called me the other day, she basically said she chose him. to my face. what more do i need than that? it was only after i was like ... wtf. did she say actually im picking no one. she contemplated at one point and chose NOT me..

 

How does one improve their insides? I've just finished my summer classes and I swear I've wrecked my insides in the last week with all of the coffees I've had

 

Maybe you mean emotional insides?

 

What movies you been watching? What kind of chocolates you been eating?

 

i watched 500 days of summer lol. i love that movie. reminds me a ton of me. and just finished dark knight rises for the 10th time

[CarrieT]

yeah that one night she called me the other day

Keep in mind, she WILL call again. She thrives on getting the attention from two guys and keeping you on a leash.

 

Do you have the strength to not answer the phone?

[hoping2heal]

yeah that one night she called me the other day, she basically said she chose him. to my face. what more do i need than that? it was only after i was like ... wtf. did she say actually im picking no one. she contemplated at one point and chose NOT me..

 

 

 

i watched 500 days of summer lol. i love that movie. reminds me a ton of me. and just finished dark knight rises for the 10th time

 

:lmao:Oh dear, for some reason when you said you were watching movies I thought in my head "he's probably watching 500 days of summer or something really sappy about breakups" and when you replied that you indeed were :laugh::laugh:.

 

What other movies you like? You have netflix?

 

Also, you didn't tell me what chocolates you were eating.

[leesc90]

Keep in mind, she WILL call again. She thrives on getting the attention from two guys and keeping you on a leash.

 

Do you have the strength to not answer the phone?

 

i really dont think she will call again for anything in regards to attention or love from me. she was literally physically ailing from the stress of this situation this week.

 

i cant imagine any human being doing that to themselves. unless they are entirely masochistic, which she isnt..

 

if she contacts me it will only be to tell me they are together again. this i am most certain of.

[leesc90]

:lmao:Oh dear, for some reason when you said you were watching movies I thought in my head "he's probably watching 500 days of summer or something really sappy about breakups" and when you replied that you indeed were :laugh::laugh:.

 

What other movies you like? You have netflix?

 

Also, you didn't tell me what chocolates you were eating.

 

just some cheap chocolates from kroger.. lol. hersheys & ghiradellis. im such a chick right now its unbelievable.

[leesc90]

would you guys consider this new man a rebound?

[dreamingoftigers]

would you guys consider this new man a rebound?

 

Yes.

 

But every man to her will be a rebound.

 

She bounces off everyone so fast. Back and forth.

 

How are you feeling and have you thought about your own goals?

 

Or are you just in the waiting room hoping she bounces back in?

[dumbass2]

would you guys consider this new man a rebound?

 

I don't really consider him a rebound. She was seeing him while still with you. A rebound is when someone breaks up with you and you have the need to jump right at the next person that comes along to help you get over your ex. She was doing this while you were together. She's not trying to get over you, she was over you a long time ago, sorry to say.

[FortunateSon]

would you guys consider this new man a rebound?

Don't try and rationalized it as a rebound, they could last 2 more days or it could last for the rest of their lives, you never know. Get the thought that it could be over quickly out of your head, it will only keep you from fully moving on.

[ConfusedHumanBeing]

would you guys consider this new man a rebound?

 

Doesnt matter. I've known a LOT of people who have married the "rebound" (my mom and dad included). The term "rebound" implies that you are wanting us to say yes...so that there is a chance she dumps the rebound later and realizes she wants you.

 

Again, there is no option B.C.D, etc.....you just have to, sadly, go through the same break up situation that most on here have gone through. Not easy at all obviously, but something that will make you stronger.

[leesc90]

this is true. I'm not going to lie to you guys lol. it was a thought I just had today that maybe he's just a rebound. but at the end of the day, that doesn't change what I have to do.

 

I just can't imagine how she can be in any sort of functioning relationship when she still has feelings for me.

 

thanks for clearing that up friends.

 

I'm so bipolar today

[ConfusedHumanBeing]

this is true. I'm not going to lie to you guys lol. it was a thought I just had today that maybe he's just a rebound. but at the end of the day, that doesn't change what I have to do.

 

I just can't imagine how she can be in any sort of functioning relationship when she still has feelings for me.

thanks for clearing that up friends.

 

I'm so bipolar today

 

Because she was lying to you.

[leesc90]

true she probably was. but even so, how can you be in a mother relationship when she thinks about me and dumps him bc of me. she needs some alone time. but enough with her needs. I know so many things about that guy that if she knew she would be stunned.

 

but I will not say anything and let her find out on her own. my needs, to heal and recover, are much more important

[ThorntonMelon]

Honestly Lee, and again, you do what you have to do - you have literally lost your mind right now. 2 years from now you will not recognize yourself. You have a career ahead of you and a very happy life to live. You're a good dude.

 

You have to invest your time and money in therapy, NOW. You need to talk all of this out. You have been emotionally abused to the point you're actually acting like a victim of domestic abuse, and I am not saying this as an exercise in hyperbole or to make a point. You're acting like you have PTSD or some sort of abuse victim.

 

I really am praying Monday morning you'll call until you have an appt with a therapist and just talk and talk and talk and let someone who's experienced in relationship trauma help you work through this.

[dreamingoftigers]

true she probably was. but even so, how can you be in a mother relationship when she thinks about me and dumps him bc of me. she needs some alone time. but enough with her needs. I know so many things about that guy that if she knew she would be stunned.

 

but I will not say anything and let her find out on her own. my needs, to heal and recover, are much more important

 

YEAH! VICTORY!

 

(and ha ha, mother relationship)

 

People who lie like that often believe themselves at the moment they are lying.

 

People lie because they don't like who they are or want to deal with the fallout of telling the truth.

 

I will be completely honest here, and this may seem paradoxical, but I used to have a pathological lying problem.

 

I was raised in a severely-conflictual home by two pathological liars. They lie and manipulate each other and others constantly.

 

So much so that I grew up having very warped expectations for myself and those around me.

 

The day I finally realized that I actually did have a pathological lying problem, it wasn't normal, most people could probably tell, it was affecting my relationships AND it was simply a POOR coping skill........ I stopped and things got better.

 

Pathological liars often have trouble figuring out what they want and their own needs. They often have an inflated sense of who they are and the efforts they've ACTUALLY made vs. the fantasy-image they have of themselves.

 

I always just thought of myself as a nice person that got a raw deal. That was true at one point. But when it started translating into my adulthood..... well..... that changes things.

 

Pathological liars often too feel that they are not truly worthy and that no one would accept them if they knew the truth about them. The lying makes it even worse because who would accept and believe an admitted liar? The hole just gets deeper. But the thing is, it can either stop or it can just get bigger. The longer one takes to make the choice, the worse things get. It simply can't be ignored and go away.

 

I was just lucky I caught it young enough to turn my life around. And once you stop lying, you start to see through other liars and manipulators far more easily. It just becomes obvious. Which is embarrassing in retrospect because you wonder how much other people could see through you before, which is a liar's worst fear.

 

She probably has relatively no sense of what she wants relationally because if she did, she would have a goal or a sensible ideal and what she was willing to settle/not settle for. It just seems like she floats to whatever feels good in the moment.

 

That is a dangerous person to be in a relationship with. How do I know? I have a Fair-Weather Husband. If he doesn't feel good about himself or the relationship in the moment he has historically done toxic things.

[ConfusedHumanBeing]

true she probably was. but even so, how can you be in a mother relationship when she thinks about me anthibk him bc of me. she needs some alone time. but enough with her needs. I know so manyoungs about that guy that if she knew she would be stunned.

 

but I will not say anything and let her find out on her own. my needs, to heal and recover, are much more important

 

No, what im saying is she is lying. She didnt dump him because of you nor does she probably think about you as much as you probably think. You were plan B. An argument probably happened and she ran to you because you are always there. She knew that and once everything cleared, she went back to him. Im not saying thats exaclty what happened, but im willing to bet a lot of money.

 

In addition, what her and new guy do or dont do shouldn't be your concern either. If you continue to keep up with what they are doing, you will continue your suffering.

[dreamingoftigers]

No, what im saying is she is lying. She didnt dump him because of you nor does she probably think about you as much as you probably think. You were plan B. An argument probably happened and she ran to you because you are always there. She knew that and once everything cleared, she went back to him. Im not saying thats exaclty what happened, but im willing to bet a lot of money.

 

In addition, what her and new guy do or dont do shouldn't be your concern either. If you continue to keep up with what they are doing, you will continue your suffering.

 

 

If anything had to do with me posting about her, I was trying to underline what a wreck she is because she's such an unstable liar.

 

But, yes, totally carry-on

[leesc90]

yeah... it's sad to think she's gone. I miss her and the nights suck. I'm still in disbelief. i know they're probably together right now and it kills.. we shared so many intimate moments just a few days ago

[hoping2heal]

true she probably was. but even so, how can you be in a mother relationship when she thinks about me and dumps him bc of me. she needs some alone time. but enough with her needs. I know so many things about that guy that if she knew she would be stunned.

 

but I will not say anything and let her find out on her own. my needs, to heal and recover, are much more important

 

I don't think she ever dumped him because of you. Do you see her right now? No, why? She's off with the other guy. She may feel weary about giving up a "sure thing" (you) in order to follow the higher risk decision but come on now...

 

For 5 months she cultivated with this guy and lied to you about it...girlfriend can lie, okay? She's already done it and for several months so... what's another lie?

 

Is he a rebound? No, you are the rebound. You are the one she has the lesser feelings for that she'll run to for emotional comfort if things won't work out with her number #1 choice.

 

The fact that she sits there lying to you for 5 months about another dude and then is like "eenie meenie miney mo..which one should I choose?" is just so friggin arrogant and selfish I don't know what...she must have one fine ass that she can lie to your for 5 months and have an emotional affair with another man and still thinks the decision to which relationship is up to her.

 

I mean really, is there gold in them hills or what?!

[Trimmer]

my ex hasnt told me her decision, but in my heart it is made..

Her decision doesn't matter. You've made yours, and taken control.

 

would you guys consider this new man a rebound?

I wouldn't consider him at all. That's all a "black box" to you, and you can't see inside of it, and it won't serve you ANY purpose to speculate. It doesn't matter because you've made your decision, and taken control.

 

I just can't imagine how she can be in any sort of functioning relationship when she still has feelings for me.

You are working with unreliable information. You don't know, and you can't know anything about what she is feeling, so speculating is a waste of time and energy, and distracting you from moving forward in your life.

 

Anything you wonder about her, what she is doing, what she is feeling, "how could she...." doesn't matter. Because you have made your decision, and taken control.

[ConfusedHumanBeing]

If anything had to do with me posting about her, I was trying to underline what a wreck she is because she's such an unstable liar.

 

But, yes, totally carry-on

 

HAHA nah we agree on the same stuff.

[Itspointless]

i watched 500 days of summer lol. i love that movie. reminds me a ton of me. and just finished dark knight rises for the 10th time

You know why? Try to use such things as learning experiences. What is it that reminds of you? What is going on there? Dude read up on attachment theory and the book I recommended you.

[leesc90]

we ended things saying kissing & i love you to each other. then i ended up blocking her number (ironic right)? but if she wanted to contact me, there are ways that i cannot control. and i still think about that sometimes.

 

i just ... i dont even know. i miss her even after all this BS. if she came to my house right now, i wouldnt be strong enough to tell her to go kiss my a$$. im just being completely hoenst with you all.

 

maybe i should just msg her that the door has closed and that ive made my decision, and hers at this point is irrelevant to me (which is a huge bluff at the moment but i hope it isnt some day)

[leesc90]

:lmao:Oh dear, for some reason when you said you were watching movies I thought in my head "he's probably watching 500 days of summer or something really sappy about breakups" and when you replied that you indeed were :laugh::laugh:.

 

What other movies you like? You have netflix?

 

Also, you didn't tell me what chocolates you were eating.

 

You know why? Try to use such things as learning experiences. What is it that reminds of you? What is going on there? Dude read up on attachment theory and the book I recommended you.

 

summer finn is a huge b--ch lol. i just remind myself of JGL in how i approach my ex. she is insanely pretty & as she was my friend for a very long time. almost every guy friend we've had has been interested in her.

[BC1980]

we ended things saying kissing & i love you to each other. then i ended up blocking her number (ironic right)? but if she wanted to contact me, there are ways that i cannot control. and i still think about that sometimes.

 

i just ... i dont even know. i miss her even after all this BS. if she came to my house right now, i wouldnt be strong enough to tell her to go kiss my a$$. im just being completely hoenst with you all.

 

maybe i should just msg her that the door has closed and that ive made my decision, and hers at this point is irrelevant to me (which is a huge bluff at the moment but i hope it isnt some day)

 

What you are feeling is normal. It took me many months to get to the point that I wouldn't have taken my ex back. Don't be harsh on yourself for feeling that way because it stems from what we all want. We all want someone to love us because it validates us in a way. Someone just dumped you, so your ego is bruised. Of course, you feel the way to recoup the loss is for her to realize she made a mistake. You think that wound set all the wrongs to right again. That's your heart talking, but the truth is that you don't need a lying, player to give you any validation. Remember that. You deserve a lot better even if it means being alone. One of the hardest lessons in life is to learn that you only need yourself to validate who you are. Once you learn that lesson, you will make wiser decisions and remove yourself from situations that hurt you.