Being realistic after a BU [updates]

[lovebug_5858]

Oh and he is thinking of you, and he if not now, he will mourn the loss of your presence- but don't let that get to you. They don't matter anymore

[lovebug_5858]

Still here guys,

I don't even know what I'm feeling anymore.

I'm not going to lie and say "yeah forget him, I don't even care about him anymore, etc."

I'm not there yet, but maybe soon?

I've had two dreams that he has texted me again- isn't that sad?

And of course I wake up to find that he hasn't.

I've subtly questioned my decision to not reply at all a few times but honestly thinking about it today- I was right in not replying. Obviously he was not invested in hearing from me.

I mean is that all he thought it would take? That text?

If I had replied I would've thrown away all of my progress and there it is- he has everything again. He has his life away on his own, he gets to constantly toy with my emotions, tell me to back off with my emotions, enjoy the quiet (of me not crying to him, etc), and then as soon as he starts feeling alone and wants something easy, he contacts me.

Had I answered, We would've seen eachother, he would have probably hugged and kissed me (wow that thought seems foreign now, is that weird?)

then I would have maybe fallen into old habits. and He would be able to leave and think merrily, "Damn, still got it" on his way back home.

No!

In a way the text did set me back, but then again, in a way it has pushed me further on my way of moving on.

I have already made some unprecedented progress, I can't throw that away.

I'm down to about 20% hope because I mean, even IF he comes back again, will I respond? Probably not.

I'm still analyzing everything, and trying to gain perspective on it all.

 

Sorry for the rant guys...

He doesn't care, and its time I stop hoping for it. My feelings are changing truly, and I really do want to get over him completely.

 

Side note: yesterday I was speaking to a coworker about the text and all and towards the end of the conversation I said "Ah, I just really want to move on." and she said "I think you already have."

and that blew me away, I mean, I have... in some way at least.

Ive had the success of not letting him in my life again. That counts for something right?

[BC1980]

Not responding to a text is huge. It's difficult in the beginning. I know I kept responding to texts for months out of guilt, hope, the need to be validated in some way, ect. It was extremely difficult for me not to respond when I first started NC. It's not about hating someone or trying to teach them a lesson. It's absolutely not about any of that. It's about realizing that further communication causes you to be emotionally tied to someone who broke your heart. It's too painful, and you can't move on. How many people do we see on LS who keep in contact with exes and end up in much more pain? So many people post about entertaining contact with an ex only to find that the ex was simply curious or trying to be friendly.

 

Sometimes, the hardest decisions you make are the ones you know are the best for you. You are doing great! By not responding, you are supporting yourself and your decision. You are supporting you.

[lovebug_5858]

Not responding to a text is huge. It's difficult in the beginning. I know I kept responding to texts for months out of guilt, hope, the need to be validated in some way, ect. It was extremely difficult for me not to respond when I first started NC. It's not about hating someone or trying to teach them a lesson. It's absolutely not about any of that. It's about realizing that further communication causes you to be emotionally tied to someone who broke your heart. It's too painful, and you can't move on. How many people do we see on LS who keep in contact with exes and end up in much more pain? So many people post about entertaining contact with an ex only to find that the ex was simply curious or trying to be friendly.

 

Sometimes, the hardest decisions you make are the ones you know are the best for you. You are doing great! By not responding, you are supporting yourself and your decision. You are supporting you.

 

 

I hate that this is the best thing for me. I hate that this is what its come to... I worked so hard to show him how much I cared, and I know that my story is not unlike every other on the forum. But damn that doesn't make it hurt any less.

Honestly, my feelings are up and down every moment that I have to myself. I'm proud I've come this far but I am desperately trying to capture the day I know I will never go back for sure.

It hurts me to think that he is happy away from me and that he doesn't think of me every moment he has to himself, and I do push those thoughts away and tell myself that I need to focus on myself rather than him...

I'm 11 days from a full 30 day purge of him. And I'm hoping to get more clarity on how I'm feeling by then.

[lovebug_5858]

I was expecting another text, I'm sad to say.

I figured that he was trying to get my attention and would persist.

But it does hurt to think that it didn't really bother him that I didn't reply and he didn't care to get a hold of me.

I know that these aren't healthy feelings, but they are natural I think.

 

I doubt I'll see anything from him. And I'm sad to say that that still hurts me.

[lovebug_5858]

Wow it is day 20 already,

I am feeling quite alright today

I've had such a shift in feelings, but who knows how long that will last.

I'm not really that sad anymore... I don't have any lingering feelings of sadness, or guilt (the "I could've done more to save this" kind of feelings).

I do still miss him, I suppose. But more than anything, I just feel OKAY.

Which is really great, after feeling some pretty terrible lows.

I don't expect to hear from him, which doesn't upset me anymore really.

I don't think he cared for me the way I cared for him, I don't regret anything although I should have gone NC much much sooner.

I'm so happy not to be crying anymore, no more "tears in your pillowcase" nights.

I hope you are all feeling good today as well, and know that when you're feeling as low as a heart break can make you feel, there is no where to go but up.

[BC1980]

I hate that this is the best thing for me. I hate that this is what its come to... I worked so hard to show him how much I cared, and I know that my story is not unlike every other on the forum. But damn that doesn't make it hurt any less.

 

I know. It took me a long time to even realize that it really had come to us not speaking again. I denied that sad fact for a long time. I was with my ex for 3 years, and I still sometimes can't believe that it came to what it did. You had this intimacy, and, now, you are basically forced to cut any and all contact. It's traumatic. It really is, and I don't care who says it's not.

 

I hate that I even have the knowledge that someone could be so cruel to me, and people can change their minds and go back on their words. I know that it's a part of life to go through grief and learn how nothing is permanent. But d*mmit, I wish I didn't know it sometimes. I wish I could go back to the person who was completely unaware of it.

[lovebug_5858]

I know. It took me a long time to even realize that it really had come to us not speaking again. I denied that sad fact for a long time. I was with my ex for 3 years, and I still sometimes can't believe that it came to what it did. You had this intimacy, and, now, you are basically forced to cut any and all contact. It's traumatic. It really is, and I don't care who says it's not.

 

I hate that I even have the knowledge that someone could be so cruel to me, and people can change their minds and go back on their words. I know that it's a part of life to go through grief and learn how nothing is permanent. But d*mmit, I wish I didn't know it sometimes. I wish I could go back to the person who was completely unaware of it.

 

Your words are like my own thoughts, I was driving home the other day and I felt so challenged trying to accept the idea that you love someone so much and they're your everything, your confidant, your best friend, your lover, and then... they're nothing.

I don't know why things are this way, but sadly, they are.

And your last few statements really touched home for me,

There was a song I heard while beginning NC and it put me in tears for hours,

The lyric is: (well now that I've looked it up, its not what I thought but still, I'll give you my interpretation)

"How I'm feeling, it doesn't matter, because you know I'm okay. And still, I ask myself why do you hurt me, when you know, you know, I'm the same"

 

AHHHHH that killed me when I heard it. I struggled so much and I would cry to him, "its me..." I just could not believe the girl that he said he cared so much for, and loved so much, and says is perfect for him... that he see's a future with (he said this two days before I began NC) HOW could he be letting me go...

 

I just don't know. I am a firm believer in love and I know I loved him so much, and it really kills me that he didn't extend that to me.

[BC1980]

It does truly scare me that people can claim to love you so much and then throw you out like trash the next day. Like the entire thing was a joke. How can people make promises and just go back on them? I have no answers to any of this of course, and I am still trying to accept it's just life. In my case, there were some signs, but not until well into the relationship. It sucks, and it's changed my entire perspective on life.

[lovebug_5858]

I think it scares many of us, and I think the weak (or smart?) become pessimistic as a way to guard themselves from more failed relationships but I hope that this does not happen to me. No matter what, I love Love, and I hope that if not him (probably not, anyways) that I can share it, properly, with someone and be happy.

 

I've learned a lot from this experience, and I'm not sure where to take it... I don't know whether to keep it in mind and guard myself from new people... or just try to escape my mistakes from before... You know?

 

Don't let this change your perspective on life, I believe that you, like I, will find that person out there that will make these people seem like very distant acquaintances, you once knew, rather than soul mates.

[lovebug_5858]

3 week mark, and I must say I am very proud of myself.

I never thought that I would make it this far, I though for sure that we would be back together by now or at least talking. Not out of the honesty of truly trying to work it out but by the weakness of not being able to let go.

Your views on your relationships and that significant other really do change during NC, and for me at least, you begin to question everything.

I am at the point of "Did he really ever love me?"

I guess this is just another phase. I have accepted that we won't be together and that we may very well not even know much of each other beyond this...

I released what we had onto a greater power, and am focusing on my present, and my future.

I really do want to let go completely, hopefully my residual feelings go with the wind, soon.

[BC1980]

You have a great perspective on it. I've found that I have to keep reinforcing that perspective. You can't just say you're done, and it goes away. In the beginning, nearly everyday I was repeating to myself that it was over, ect. I would visualize myself letting go of the burden because it really is a burden if you don't turn it into something positive. It will kill you if you allow it, and, if nothing else, I knew that I couldn't allow him to break me completely.

 

Some days, things will remind me of him, and I have to go through it again. Don't get frustrated with yourself because grief does hit you at weird times. I don't think the attachment completely goes away, but try to work with it. Take something positive from it because for better or worse, you are saddled with it for life. It's a part of you. I'm still working my way through some anger and trying to forgive a little maybe. It's a process, but I'm getting there.

[lovebug_5858]

BC,

How long have you been NC now?

 

And yeah it does hit me at very weird times... I think about him a lot still which isn't uncommon, I figure.

But yeah, I'm trying to reinforce my thoughts of being done, I do have very stupid thoughts at some points. But like I said on Day 14 when I began the thread, I know that I will not give in at this point and I am so happy to know that.

I miss him so much still, and then at times, I wonder how I even lasted this long with him. I'm angry, and upset and nostalgic at times and then completely void of emotion the next...

I don't see a problem with this for now just because we're still adjusting to not having this person in our lives... but I am wishing it goes away :/

[BC1980]

BC,

How long have you been NC now?

 

And yeah it does hit me at very weird times... I think about him a lot still which isn't uncommon, I figure.

But yeah, I'm trying to reinforce my thoughts of being done, I do have very stupid thoughts at some points. But like I said on Day 14 when I began the thread, I know that I will not give in at this point and I am so happy to know that.

I miss him so much still, and then at times, I wonder how I even lasted this long with him. I'm angry, and upset and nostalgic at times and then completely void of emotion the next...

I don't see a problem with this for now just because we're still adjusting to not having this person in our lives... but I am wishing it goes away :/

 

NC for 6 months. We broke up in April 2013, and I initially went NC in August 2013. Broke it somewhere around the beginning of Dec. with a phone call. I'm saying 6 full months. Anyway, it's been a journey. I've heard from him once. He sent a package to my house with some flip flops and books of mine with a note saying that I had left them lying around the house. Also informing me that he will be returning to work in September. I'm obviously not happy about that, but it is what it is I suppose.

 

Please get "The No Contact Rule" by Natalie Lue. It will navigate you through your NC journey. It tells you what to expect and how to put your energy elsewhere. Great book.

[lovebug_5858]

Wow, good job on 6 months, that's terrific...

I can't see that far into my recovery right now but I'm looking forward to it,

And yeah that must be difficult but I'm sure you are very well equipped for that.

 

 

My break up fund is dry, I've bought some products already that helped out in the beginning and then I got stuck. This forum has helped out more than anything.

[lovebug_5858]

The days seem to be flying by now, and I can't say that I'm not happy about that!

I woke up this morning with such a sad feeling, I think I may have dreamed of him but I don't really remember. In any matter, I woke up feeling sad BUT that has not caused me to have a bad or even a sad day. These feelings come and go, but with time, you just get used to it and you don't really let them bother you anymore.

I'm not really sure how I feel towards my ex anymore, not that it matters anyway.

I do though feel like when I actually do see, or speak to him again, maybe I will lose the lingering feelings I have... I don't know, does that make any sense?

Obviously, I'm not going to put myself in harms way and reach out to him or anything but now I DO wonder what I'll feel, or think when I see him again, If I do.

[sooshi]

You're doing great, lovebug. Don't worry about what it'll feel like if you see or hear from him again -- your energy would be better invested elsewhere. And if you do see him or hear from him again, you'll feel what you feel, but that will also pass as well.

 

Keep doing NC. It truly is the way to heal. You'll likely dream about him sometimes, and it may get you down, but see it as purging him out of your system.

[lovebug_5858]

I agree,

I have put all of my energy into my studies and getting to where I would like to in my life,

Its a great thing that I don't have much if any time to mope around!

I took my the first exam of my new class today and I think it was rather easy, I am so happy to be doing so well and really do feel so much better and even more so STABLE than I have since we were together.

[lovebug_5858]

I'm beginning to have to look to my other posts to recall what day in NC I am!

So I went to see my ex's mom today, she is going on a very long trip and I wanted to wish her a safe flight and all,

I know, I know, Its a little odd.

But I did contemplate it for a bit and almost didn't go but I really love his family and damn it! I wanted to see her so I did.

She had no idea that we were even over and excitedly asked me if I had come over just because he was coming today.

But I told her no that I was just there to wish her a safe flight and all and we just sat down and had a long talk, I did get emotional talking to her about whats been happening and how we haven't talked in almost a month and she agreed that it was for the best since I had always been the one trying to work things out and that its time he see's what its like to be without me.

I spent about an hour there and when I left I gave her such a strong hug and she told me she really loves me and cares for me and hopes everything goes well for me and so did I.

I don't think it set me back at all, if anything, I have lost resentment towards him and truly do wish all the best for him.

[lovebug_5858]

Okay so I know that I'm not supposed to worry about him or what he's doing but it really hurts me when I think, or feel, like he is so much further on recovery than I am.

I did only get that one breadcrumb, and it hurts me to think that that's all I was worth. Not that I want more breadcrumbs, but at least a legitimate reason to text me or legitimate paragraph on why he's sorry.

Ah, this is bad

I thought I was doing so much better.

I find myself asking myself so many questions on these topics.

Maybe he is just happier without me.

[lovebug_5858]

So close to 30 days

Never thought I'd be saying that.

I woke up and there was a text from him, asking if I had come by yesterday.

I don't really know how I'm feeling today. I'm just going to go to the gym again and try to release these endorphins to get me in a good mood for the day.

[zhaulk]

good job lovebug! You are my inspiration

[lovebug_5858]

Yep,

25 days down the drain. He texted me and I replied, he ended up asking if he could come over tonight and I declined. He ended up coming over right away, and it was uncomfortable for me, he hugged me and I really didn't hug back... Things got better and we talked a little.

I asked him why he wanted to see me and he said to see how I was and that he missed me and he said he didn't think it'd be bad to see eachother every once in a while.

I was being very distant and he said he thought I'd be different after a month. He said he thought I'd be okay with everything and seeing him...

He was only here for about an hour and wants to come over later.

Im not sure how Im feeling.

Cant lie, Im hurt that he is truly okay with this...

I'm not mad, or depressed or anything crazy. I guess it was just a slap in the face to truly move on.

[lovebug_5858]

good job lovebug! You are my inspiration

Broke NC sorry to have let you guys and myself down.

[Moonborn]

Don't bash yourself for breaking no contact. It happens. I actually slipped myself a couple of days ago, ex sent me an email asking for some explanations and I couldn't help replying.

 

My two cents: next time he contacts you, think about how uncomfortable it was seeing him now. And if he comes back pretend you are not home if you can get away with it. Do not let him in again. Do what you need for yourself.