Being realistic after a BU [updates]

[Elle1975]

Hey guys,

I'm not going to go into detail on my BU but you can see a short synopsis of it in my earlier thread.

Anyways so I've had such a prevalent thought lately about how as soon as you feel better they creep back in.

And here I was listening to music and watching videos, happily alone in my bed.

AND BOOM. Well more like DING.

I look at my phone and there was his number. I literally out loud said "Holy sh*t!"

I couldn't believe it. I opened it...

He asked if he could use my gym membership key while he was in town this weekend.

One, he knows that he cannot use it, as last time he did, they warned him.

Two, I was tear filled with emotions.. I was angry that he was texting me for this reason. I always imagined such a sweeter message... But nope, this was him in all gleaming reality. Wanting to use me again.

Three, I will not reply.

I'm angry, upset but I won't let it kill me. I do believe he was just trying to let me know he will be in town....

I'm not sure what my question is... but I am right in not responding, correct?

This IS a breadcrumb... am I right guys?

 

You are correct. Delete, and resume your normal activities.

[lovebug_5858]

You are correct. Delete, and resume your normal activities.

Thanks... I know this is the right thing to do.

I'm jittery now. trembling almost...

[sooshi]

This is why we advocate no contact, to help with your healing process. Allowing him to contact you will take you back in your recovery, as you've seen.

 

You're right, though. Don't respond.

[lovebug_5858]

This is why we advocate no contact, to help with your healing process. Allowing him to contact you will take you back in your recovery, as you've seen.

 

You're right, though. Don't respond.

I have changed my number three times previous to this last time, so I just didn't even care to this time. Previous times, I have fallen back to him...

But not this time. Thanks for your advice though!

[lovebug_5858]

(You can look at the background story on my BU on my earlier threads)

But basically its Day 17 N/C and he messaged me yesterday, basically asking to borrow something of mine if he came to town this weekend.

I didn't reply, I had always expected his first text to me, if there would be one, to be a heck of a lot more significant than that.

I do still in my heart want reconciliation but I know and understand that I can definitely make it without him and I wouldn't want reconciliation if he didn't show me a complete change...

What do you think he's thinking now?

That I am completely uninterested... is that really the vibe I want to throw out while in N/C...

How do I go about this?

[ProcessingThisBU]

My theory : I think maybe he is testing you. Testing to see if you will fall like the other times. With you not answering, maybe he will try again and again. If you answer then, bam! he got you. I mean he will think you're still there for him... if you not answer, then he will realize that you are uninterested and moving on.

 

My advice, I know you want reconciliation, but you need much much more than a text message like that one. Meanwhile do not answer anything.

[Zahara]

You must be dating my ex. When we ended, out of nowhere -- after several weeks of NC -- he pops up asking if he can utilize the pool at my apartment complex. Blech.

 

It's a crumb. He can go and find a gym and get a membership.

 

Why do you want reconciliation? You've broken up several times? What's changed in terms of the issues -- mistrust, abandonment, jealousy, etc.? Would you not agree that none of that goes away until you both get help with fixing or at least managing those issues? And that takes work and commitment.

[d0nnivain]

It depends on what he wants to borrow & how easily he could get it elsewhere.

 

 

If it's a rare item he may just want the thing.

 

 

Otherwise he could just be missing the convenience of having you & your stuff available to him.

[BC1980]

(You can look at the background story on my BU on my earlier threads)

But basically its Day 17 N/C and he messaged me yesterday, basically asking to borrow something of mine if he came to town this weekend.

I didn't reply, I had always expected his first text to me, if there would be one, to be a heck of a lot more significant than that.

I do still in my heart want reconciliation but I know and understand that I can definitely make it without him and I wouldn't want reconciliation if he didn't show me a complete change...

What do you think he's thinking now?

That I am completely uninterested... is that really the vibe I want to throw out while in N/C...

How do I go about this?

 

It's a "feeler." He's testing you to see if you will respond, to see if the door is still open. Block this person from your life. I'm confused about why you are worried about the vibe you are giving off to him if you are in NC. You aren't using NC for your own good.

[Amy74]

You know--I'm so sad and pathetic sitting here on Day 16 of NC, crying, and I see your post and my first thought is...There's hope--maybe my ex will contact me...maybe tomorrow. But even if he does it will be the same type of BS post.

 

What is that? Why is that? WTH?

 

His message means nothing. Be strong & ignore.

Thanks for giving me some strength.

[greenbee81]

This is exactly why I blocked her number and email.

[lovebug_5858]

Well a lot has happened if you have noticed my last two threads...

He texted me yesterday and it already feels like forever ago.

As soon as I saw it I knew that I would not reply, it was meaningless.

And so there I was today, luckily at work all day to keep me busy,

But he still occupied my thoughts and I found myself re-analyzing that message in a million different ways.

Here are my thoughts;

He either:

wanted me to know he was in town.. wanting a booty call, and me to fall into my old and pathetic routine (jumping as soon as he contacted me, so happy and honestly believing a miracle would occur in which he would soon realize that he did not want to lose me and that I am the one for him)

OR

he just really wanted to use me (for the belonging which he texted me for)

 

Neither are even close to reasons to text back and break NC. Which is why I have kept NC and do not plan on breaking it any time soon. On my way home, I thought about everything in a brand new way.

Although I like to be fair in assuming we are both equally to blame for the demise of our relationship, I do believe I entertained his tendencies far too much. Often, I begged and cried and looked into his ice cold eyes, with my own being so hurt and tear-filled.

As much as I would like to be civil... I owe him nothing.

He asked for no contact, he explained he had lost his feelings for me and that he wished to move on and that no contact would be the best for us.

Now he is getting what he wished for.

I do not plan on going back for more. And although somewhere in my heart I hold a soft and loving spot for what he once was to me, it takes a hell of a lot more than the message he sent me to exploit that.

[lovebug_5858]

My theory : I think maybe he is testing you. Testing to see if you will fall like the other times. With you not answering, maybe he will try again and again. If you answer then, bam! he got you. I mean he will think you're still there for him... if you not answer, then he will realize that you are uninterested and moving on.

 

My advice, I know you want reconciliation, but you need much much more than a text message like that one. Meanwhile do not answer anything.

 

These are my thoughts exactly... He has not texted me since that one and only time, and so I don't think he intended anything significant to result from this...

I accept this, and I value myself so much more than letting that text get to me and place me in old habits, and again, in heart break.

[lovebug_5858]

You must be dating my ex. When we ended, out of nowhere -- after several weeks of NC -- he pops up asking if he can utilize the pool at my apartment complex. Blech.

 

It's a crumb. He can go and find a gym and get a membership.

 

Why do you want reconciliation? You've broken up several times? What's changed in terms of the issues -- mistrust, abandonment, jealousy, etc.? Would you not agree that none of that goes away until you both get help with fixing or at least managing those issues? And that takes work and commitment.

You are completely correct in all of your points.

I do understand that nothing has changed and that is why I have not broken NC. I see his old ways far into that message and I know that this is not a gateway to reconciliation but into further heart ache for me.

I am open to reconciliation still, I am not completely closed off to the idea but I know that it is not near judging by his texts. I don't hope for it, but I am open to it (small window) does that make sense?

[lovebug_5858]

It depends on what he wants to borrow & how easily he could get it elsewhere.

 

 

If it's a rare item he may just want the thing.

 

 

Otherwise he could just be missing the convenience of having you & your stuff available to him.

It is more than likely the latter of your reasons.

[lovebug_5858]

It's a "feeler." He's testing you to see if you will respond, to see if the door is still open. Block this person from your life. I'm confused about why you are worried about the vibe you are giving off to him if you are in NC. You aren't using NC for your own good.

I am using NC to form a better perspective of my life and my relationship with this man, I still do care for him which is why I don't want to be completely shut down towards him. But what good does it do me? Hey I can answer that myself, No good.

[lovebug_5858]

You know--I'm so sad and pathetic sitting here on Day 16 of NC, crying, and I see your post and my first thought is...There's hope--maybe my ex will contact me...maybe tomorrow. But even if he does it will be the same type of BS post.

 

What is that? Why is that? WTH?

 

His message means nothing. Be strong & ignore.

Thanks for giving me some strength.

Please do not call yourself pathetic. We all decide to heal ourselves at different times. We all hit that " Alright, enough is enough" point at different times. Don't be so hard on yourself. I've been through so much with this guy that I've just realized, as painful as it is to be away from him (as he is my first love, my first everything) it just hurts me more to be with him in the long run. Our relationship was not where it should be, and even in "good" times, at the end we were just both unhappy. There was nowhere to go, but away from eachother... I didn't love the idea, but I have always, like you, hoped he would find his way back - and look, he did in the most unflattering way.

Don't let this be something you wait for, its just a waste of time.

The point to be made is that if a man really loves you and treasures you, he will not let you go.

You will know when you have hit the point I am at.

 

Be strong, I am here for you as well as everyone on the forums.

[sterlingarcher]

Good job! Continue the NC. Decision already made. Stick to it and don't fail yourself.

 

I was with my GF for 5 yrs, then dumped her 2 yrs ago. It felt like a relief at the time, but it just took me only a few days before i started missing her and questioning myself. I didn't know this forum at the time and had no idea we were both making some rookie mistakes, breaking NC with emails/texts occasionally.

 

Its been NC for over a year now, but I still think about her from time to time. In no way do I love her or want her back, but I miss the friendship and wonder how she's doing.

 

My thoughts sometimes start with "I wish we could somehow be friends now etc" but after a while I figure out its all past. Past doesn't exist now. Now is what counts.

[lovebug_5858]

Good job! Continue the NC. Decision already made. Stick to it and don't fail yourself.

 

I was with my GF for 5 yrs, then dumped her 2 yrs ago. It felt like a relief at the time, but it just took me only a few days before i started missing her and questioning myself. I didn't know this forum at the time and had no idea we were both making some rookie mistakes, breaking NC with emails/texts occasionally.

 

Its been NC for over a year now, but I still think about her from time to time. In no way do I love her or want her back, but I miss the friendship and wonder how she's doing.

 

My thoughts sometimes start with "I wish we could somehow be friends now etc" but after a while I figure out its all past. Past doesn't exist now. Now is what counts.

Thanks!

And I know how you feel, I am glad that I found this forum now but boy could I have used it back in the day and maybe this could've all been resolved years ago!

I still don't know if I see a future without him... or with him really.

I just don't know. He has lived in another town since January so it's not like I am adjusting a whole new thing all together.

At first I felt terrible, I could stay in bed all day, crying.

Crying each and everytime I thought of him but I have come a far way in my 17 days and I don't see a reason at the moment to throw it all away.

[sterlingarcher]

Well look at the positives. He is in another city and the days are passing. It will be bumpy but you will move forward. All you have to do is stay unavailable and keep NC. You are doing very well so far, just keep it up. Imagine your future without him and imagine good things for yourself.

 

My ex live in the same city as me, there are only 120 000 people here. I randomly met her a couple months ago, said "hy" and just continued my life. I'm glad I didn't stop to chat, but at the same time curious to know how she's doing. She was with another guy. I hope it was her BF and I hope she's happy and doing well.

[lovebug_5858]

Well look at the positives. He is in another city and the days are passing. It will be bumpy but you will move forward. All you have to do is stay unavailable and keep NC. You are doing very well so far, just keep it up. Imagine your future without him and imagine good things for yourself.

 

My ex live in the same city as me, there are only 120 000 people here. I randomly met her a couple months ago, said "hy" and just continued my life. I'm glad I didn't stop to chat, but at the same time curious to know how she's doing. She was with another guy. I hope it was her BF and I hope she's happy and doing well.

I'm just not sure if its what I want yet. But no matter what, nothing good will come from me breaking NC right now. So I just have to keep chugging along, and good for you! I'm glad you feel the way you do now.

[lovebug_5858]

This is going to be an early and short update because I work later today and won't be able to update later on and well, not much has changed.

Him contacting me really did set me back, that which I wished so much for, has done nothing but set me back.

And for no reason at all, He doesn't deserve my thoughts or anxiety he has caused me.

I have decided to move on and not look back- there is just no other choice.

I'm tired of all the headaches, the games, not knowing what will happen tomorrow.

I won't let him control my tomorrow, I just need to move on.

[BC1980]

This is going to be an early and short update because I work later today and won't be able to update later on and well, not much has changed.

Him contacting me really did set me back, that which I wished so much for, has done nothing but set me back.

And for no reason at all, He doesn't deserve my thoughts or anxiety he has caused me.

I have decided to move on and not look back- there is just no other choice.

I'm tired of all the headaches, the games, not knowing what will happen tomorrow.

I won't let him control my tomorrow, I just need to move on.

 

I know it's hard, but I would block him. That way, he can't contact you and set you back. It's not helping you in the least to be susceptible to a bread crumb.

[Amy74]

...it just hurts me more to be with him in the long run. Our relationship was not where it should be, and even in "good" times, at the end we were just both unhappy. There was nowhere to go, but away from each other... I didn't love the idea, but I have always, like you, hoped he would find his way back - and look, he did in the most unflattering way.

 

Yea...this describes G and I perfectly. The good started to out weight the bad and I just happened to be the one to end it first. This certainly isn't the first time that we've broken up but it HAS to be the last...for our sanity.

 

I guess I just want proof that he's thinking about me and hurting as much as I am. But like I said even if he did reach out it would be some nonsense--and just pi** me off. Even if it's not...what difference would it make--we're not right together...not happy together and our break up and NC is best.

 

Thanks for the support.

 

**this sadness sucks**

[lovebug_5858]

It really does suck, but as I'm sure you already know it does get worse before it gets better. Just keep going- you have no other choice.

Try to not think into it too much and accept that there are better things coming and most of all, that you deserve to be happy.

In saying "what then?" you are completely right... when you think of it, what if you got back together?

You're still unhappy...

You know what I mean?

You and I both know that these men well not give us what we need.