My wife cheated, we are back together. But how can we move on from the past?

[StrongHusband]

It's another set of eyes watching. For me it was the best PI I never hired. You want OM to be fearful of his own marriage which keeps him too busy to talk with your WW.

 

Thanks for the suggestion. Will consider this, but right now I just want to let everything surface on its own.

 

If it turns out my wife is still cheating (though not likely anymore), well and good for me as I will end our marriage right away.

 

If it turns out my wife has indeed changed for the better, then well and good as well. We lived a more mature relationship.

[StrongHusband]

If your WW objects to you telling the other betrayed spouse she is then protecting OM. Something you need to know. For me it worked great. It was the final squeeze I needed to make HIM quit.

 

Actually we talked about it, she has no objections to it. It's me that decided on this part.

[Trustnoone]

Strong if it was the other way around wouldn't you like to know?

It's another set of eyes plus it's doing the right thing what she does after you tell her is not your problem.

 

After I exposed to OM's wife she never wanted to speak with me again. I don't blame her as I just nuked her marriage. Point is I was blunt with the facts unlike her WS would have been. I don't even like talking to myself at times but those voices keep asking questions!

[Trustnoone]

Actually we talked about it, she has no objections to it. It's me that decided on this part.

 

Whew, had me nervous there for a second. I wish you the best of luck. You are embarking on a long rough road without shortcuts. I will share with you that while I trust but verify with my WW I am at about 70% with forgiveness. It's tough and my MC has earned every penny from us.

[StrongHusband]

Whew, had me nervous there for a second. I wish you the best of luck. You are embarking on a long rough road without shortcuts. I will share with you that while I trust but verify with my WW I am at about 70% with forgiveness. It's tough and my MC has earned every penny from us.

 

Yeah I know. Well most of these decisions she has no objections and let me decide on. She knows she is the one that is in error and she fully supports me to whatever it is I needed to help our marriage. So there, I have the decision on those things. I let her express her opinions on it, but she will always have me to decide even if it hurts for her, she is still willing to let me decide.

[Mycatsnuggles]

stronghusband,

 

I love your sign in name, keep this attitude because that is exactly what you are.

 

Please take Fellini's suggestions of order Michelle Langley and Mort Fertels books. I believe they can offer you both insight and a pathway to reconcilliation.

 

Now the confession, I am a MOW who had a long term affair. Like Feliini I read those same books and GREATLY identified with the ideals presented. Read them with your wife it may help you both to understand the past and help develop a new and improved relationship for the future. One thing I really like that you already recognize. You cannot control her behavior, changing jobs will not prevent her from reaching out to AP. All the monitoring in the world will not prevent boundary crossing, the best deterient is your wifes wanting to make her marriage work.

 

There are no guarantees in life. Because she cheated does not pre-determine her as a life long serial cheater. Instead she may be a woman who recognizes her mistakes and makes the changes in herself and her relationship to make it a new and improved marriage.

 

I wish you the best, your a strong person to love that woman enough to attempt to rebuild your relationship.

[aliveagain]

I would never have discovered my ex's affair if someone had not told me. His wife deserves to know who she is married to, her health is at risk and this may not be his first affair, she has the right to decide the outcome of her marriage. By withholding this information from her you become their accomplice. Imagine if someone knew about your wife's infidelity years ago but refused to tell you, how would you feel knowing they could have saved you years of pain? The choice is yours but it is the right thing to do. He needs to be stopped, he may already be working on one of our wives. This has nothing to do with revenge. Everyone on here knows your pain, some of the responses may be that reading your post has caused them to trigger, we all know that hollow feeling in the pit of our stomach.

 

I am very successful in business but infidelity brought me to my knees, there is nothing like the pain you feel when discovering that the person you trust the most has betrayed you. It was Winston Churchill that said:"When your going through hell, keep going." There is no easy way through the pain you just have to go through it until it is bearable. You may forgive her but you will never ever forget.

[StrongHusband]

stronghusband,

 

I love your sign in name, keep this attitude because that is exactly what you are.

 

Please take Fellini's suggestions of order Michelle Langley and Mort Fertels books. I believe they can offer you both insight and a pathway to reconcilliation.

 

Now the confession, I am a MOW who had a long term affair. Like Feliini I read those same books and GREATLY identified with the ideals presented. Read them with your wife it may help you both to understand the past and help develop a new and improved relationship for the future. One thing I really like that you already recognize. You cannot control her behavior, changing jobs will not prevent her from reaching out to AP. All the monitoring in the world will not prevent boundary crossing, the best deterient is your wifes wanting to make her marriage work.

 

There are no guarantees in life. Because she cheated does not pre-determine her as a life long serial cheater. Instead she may be a woman who recognizes her mistakes and makes the changes in herself and her relationship to make it a new and improved marriage.

 

I wish you the best, your a strong person to love that woman enough to attempt to rebuild your relationship.

 

Thanks, Mycatsnuggles! These are the types of posts I am looking for. Good thing I and my wife are not the only ones that still believe we can still start over.

 

But yeah, there are no guarantees in life. Whether she will cheat again, or not... either is not a guarantee. I am just hoping for the best at this time.

Edited June 24, 2014 by StrongHusband

[HereNorThere]

Yeah I know. Well most of these decisions she has no objections and let me decide on. She knows she is the one that is in error and she fully supports me to whatever it is I needed to help our marriage. So there, I have the decision on those things. I let her express her opinions on it, but she will always have me to decide even if it hurts for her, she is still willing to let me decide.

 

Have a little empathy, OP. She deserves to much as you did. This isn't just her romantic life, it's her health.

[Yamaha]

Good Luck!

I hope you succeed!

When you come to a relationship forum expect differing views, not just the ones you desire. There is a reason people are skeptical. Many have felt like you and it didn't turn out with the desired outcome.

I'm sure most wish you the best.

[fellini]

NC is not nearly impossible if two people work together. It really depends on their WORK PLACE doesn't it. My WS was with a single AP, not a married one, and of course I had my feelings about her still working there. But I go over them for the same reasons this OP has explained. And NC was a DEAD EASY for my WS because it's about how she uses her time. When she was hooked up to her AP she saw him every single day.

 

Now that she is NC she has seen him exactly 5 times in 14 months: 2 of those in obligatory Faculty meetings (seated across the room from one another) and twice making the error that she could go back and eat in one of the other Faculty cafeterias she knew he ate in with her friends. And once, ONLY ONCE passing him in a hallway. They are not going to hook up at lunch, they are not going to passionately embrace out of some lost control in the middle of a busy corridor in a University Faculty building in broad daylight. They DIDN'T do this during the affair either.

 

Of course if her job was flipping hamburgers at McDonalds and her AP were another sandwhich chef then I would have asked her to leave, but then again, I wouldn't have to because she would have done it before I even asked.

 

And just like OP's WS, mine asked me if she thought we should leave the city to get away from him. And although in my worst moment I would have entertained that, I am glad I didn't because uprooting my daughter, who deserves NONE of this, would have done more damage to our family than my WS did to our marriage.

 

Its not about any man, its about her affair partner. And certainly she will find a way to hook up with him if that's what she wants to do. Its just that it should make NC easier for her if she doesn't see him every day at work!

 

Look, you don't see the harm and you are in charge of your own life. What I'm trying to do is advise OP that NC is nearly impossible for his wife if she works with this guy and without NC reconciliation is much more difficult.

Edited June 26, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[fellini]

Maybe I am kinda slow. What is the part that I did which is "cheap forgiveness"? Sorry for this, maybe I just need to know.

 

You are in pain, and you are trying to work things out with your WS. This is not necessarily forgiveness. "Cheap" or "Early forgiveness" is not what your posts have described.

 

I prefer to think of these things as separate:

 

Recovery. This is what you are asking about right now. It is your personal pain from the personal impact of finding out about the A. IT has it's own rhythm and intensity that can be affect by the how (she didn't tell you, but it was already over - good thing - my WS "told me" but hadn't ended it NOR EVEN DECIDED TO.

 

Reconciliation. This is not necessarily related to recovery. This is about getting the trust back etc., and you seem to being doing an awesome job in that, because you are not pretending to be fooled by anything (i.e. it is not cheap forgiveness imho.)

 

Forgiveness A couple of months ago I posted in here a piece on the "cost of forgiveness". And I like what the author has to say about there being 2 types of forgiveness:

 

"For the sake of our discussion let me point out that there are two elements to what we refer to as forgiveness. The first is an internal matter where we choose to forgive the wrong committed against us and no longer expect justice as a result of their offense."

 

I also would add that the kind of forgiveness (what some here called cheap) in which you have decided to forgive THAT the affair occurred. (For example, what's done is done, and now I want to move forward with this person because I still love her like no other.)

 

The other kind of forgiveness is best understood reading the article fully. <Search 'affairrecovery'>

 

<comments about other members redacted>

 

For me, for the pain, as McCatSnuggles has said, I would suggest that you go to Langley if you have this strong NEED to understand your wife, to understand the broader picture of her affair, and your role in it. (I said role, not blame! - we all play a role even if it's secondary or a cameo or off screen narrator in our spouses affairs)

 

IF you feel that the real solution is to just begin to reconstruct (you cannot have the old marriage back because that obviously didn't work out well for you) a new splendid marriage, I recommend going straight to Mort Fertel and seeing how it goes. Even if it's just getting his tapes and following his Marriage Fitness programme.

 

The least that will happen is the two of you will have some fun doing stuff together that you have never done, the best is that the past will stay there, and you will awaken each morning looking forward to a positive image.

 

Now I have not personally done Fertel yet. I have followed some 30 emails that were sent to me automatically after doing an online survey. I am waiting to start this in September. I have had a one year battle just getting past trickletruths, some gaslighting, and a WS who failed to deal with her inner demons for about 8 months, and right now I want a summer without pain, or to be on someone elses plan for my success. I need a vacation from this infidelity and intend to get it, and this will include not coming back into LS to feed my head with more of the same.

 

Best of luck, don't doubt yourself, you appear to be on a very good road.

Edited June 24, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Commercial link and comments about members redacted

[revelations]

You are getting a lot of good replies on here StrongHusband. I really don't have advice on how to recover from infidelity. To me being able to stay with and trust a woman that has cheated on me is like big foot. I have have heard of big foot, however never actually seen it. So taking care of yourself would be my best advice to you, just as i have stated in an earlier post. However since your WW seems like she is willing to support you also and is acknowledged that she has caused the damage I would use that to heal. You had stated that your sure your child is yours, however I would still DNA test. By doing this it does two major things. One is that it removes any and all doubt from you. Two it forces your WW to see that the damage that she has caused is very real in more than one way. You may also want to thing about suggesting to your WW that she courts you in a more formal way. The thing about her taking you on a date is good. However she needs to be the one working her butt off to prove her love to you.

 

Any woman I have ever dated or my xWW did not care that their actions caused me pain. When they figured out I was hurt they would be dismissive at best or laugh at me at worst. So even an honest apology would be something completely foreign to me. Rebuilding trust is also something that I would find difficult to do. My xWW had told me once that I was unforgiving. I had to tell her, just like I told her pastor that it was not about being unforgiving. It had to do with allowing a person a chance to hurt me again, when it has been proven that they will hurt me without even regret.

 

It took me a lot of years and hard lessons to learn to stay away from women. Now I am not talking about hating them or anything like that. For me it was just survival. I learned the hard way that no matter how well I treat them, they can and will turn on me. If I have to go to court for a divorce or anything else, the judge will take everything and anything I have now and in the future. Everyone has periods in their lives that are bad. However for me I can honestly say that most of my bad periods in life were directly caused by a woman I was with at the time. So by eliminating them from my life, I have eliminated the suffering. For the first time since I was 16yrs old I am learning how to enjoy life. I am able to do this without fear of it being taken away from me.

 

If you are able to stay with your WW and work things out that is great. I would urge you to remember that she can always do this again and worse. So the best thing you can do is to enjoy the best but prepare for the worst. Now this does not mean that you have to watch her every move, or that she needs to take a crap with the bathroom door open. What I am saying is to have money set aside and a place that you can run to. Good friends or relatives can be a big help on this. I am just saying protect yourself from her and the courts. You may never have to use your protection, however it is nice to know that it is their. Hopefully you are lucky in the sense that your WW actually considers you to be a human. For me this has never been the case. I know I come off sounding paranoid or as some misogynist, however this is not the case. You may want to think about it like preparing for a big earthquake. You may never need to use the supplies because of a big earthquake. However at the very least you have piece of mind because you are prepared for that big earthquake.

 

I hope this helps you out....

[HermioneG]

Maybe I am kinda slow. What is the part that I did which is "cheap forgiveness"? Sorry for this, maybe I just need to know.

 

Cheap forgiveness is offering forgiveness when neither of you have done the work to get there.

 

Forgiveness without action, and action compounded by time. There are posters here who are encouraging other paths who are not very far along in their journeys. And the beautiful thing about Internet forums is that you can watch the evolution along the way, as time works the magic, and shortcuts are revealed to be just that- shortcuts that don't work. I mean no disrespect for those that are earlier in their path, just offering what has been observed from watching- literally for years on multiple places, what works.

 

Respectfully- you are not even close to the hard earned perspective that you will need, and time and hard work will offer, that will allow you decide on acceptance, let alone forgiveness.

 

Look. I am in a reconciled relationship. My spouse's affair ended well over five years ago. We were separated, by my choice, after a longterm affair for six months after I found out. I was unafraid to lose my marriage, and you have to reach that point to rebuild, if that is your choice.

 

Even with that- it wasn't until about 3 years in when I was a rock solid sure that reconciliation was solid and I was peaceful again. My spouse turned himself inside out to find out what his issues were, and to fix himself. He made himself a safe partner.

 

You aren't in a position to know these things yet. The time is coming, but unfortunately, there is no quick path to the peace you crave, and more importantly than that- the old marriage you so wish for- is over. And gently- you need to accept and mourn that far more than you need to forgive her.

Edited June 24, 2014 by HermioneG

[road]

No, OM's spouse don't know of their affair. I don't think it is necessary for my me and my WW's R.

 

 

 

The reason is to make the OM have consequences for banging your WW. It sends the message that if he wants to cheat again he will seek a new affair partner because he does not want his BW to find out what he is up to.

[StrongHusband]

Cheap forgiveness is offering forgiveness when neither of you have done the work to get there.

 

Forgiveness without action, and action compounded by time. There are posters here who are encouraging other paths who are not very far along in their journeys. And the beautiful thing about Internet forums is that you can watch the evolution along the way, as time works the magic, and shortcuts are revealed to be just that- shortcuts that don't work. I mean no disrespect for those that are earlier in their path, just offering what has been observed from watching- literally for years on multiple places, what works.

 

Respectfully- you are not even close to the hard earned perspective that you will need, and time and hard work will offer, that will allow you decide on acceptance, let alone forgiveness.

 

Look. I am in a reconciled relationship. My spouse's affair ended well over five years ago. We were separated, by my choice, after a longterm affair for six months after I found out. I was unafraid to lose my marriage, and you have to reach that point to rebuild, if that is your choice.

 

Even with that- it wasn't until about 3 years in when I was a rock solid sure that reconciliation was solid and I was peaceful again. My spouse turned himself inside out to find out what his issues were, and to fix himself. He made himself a safe partner.

 

You aren't in a position to know these things yet. The time is coming, but unfortunately, there is no quick path to the peace you crave, and more importantly than that- the old marriage you so wish for- is over. And gently- you need to accept and mourn that far more than you need to forgive her.

 

Thanks for your input. I understand that this pain both my wife and I are experiencing will take time. It has only been 2 months and that is too early for us to accept what happened.

 

Looks like we need to leave it to time to do the healing. I know it will be difficult for me. And my WW also knows it will be difficult for her to truly get through her guilt.

 

Yes... my WW, the one who cheated on me is also suffering right now. This is because she realized the pain she has brought to me and the selfish & stupid mistake she has done. She experiences this everyday, but we help each other get through it together by just talking to each other. To let it all out.

 

Besides, this was the problem we have before, lack of intimacy and lack of communication. I am glad that she is more open to me compared before.

 

She knows that everyday she will feel the guilt and she don't know if it will be gone. It is also a difficult path for her as well as me. But she tells me she is willing to go through it because she acknowledges the gravity of what she has done. She knows this is one of the many sacrifices she has to go though if she wants to be with me. It is painful, but she still chose to be with me. Maybe this was why I forgave her. It maybe cheap forgiveness, but I don't know. All I know is, a person with a realization and regret like this deserves something. Even if that something is cheap forgiveness from me.

 

But why she did it for 2 years as I always ask her, all she can say now is that she knows that it was stupid and selfish. That no reason in the world would justify what she has done. It took her 2 years to realize that and that's why it is difficult for her now. Because she wants to take those 2 years back and she cannot because it is already done.

 

This is the pain she is going though everyday. But we survive each day by talking to each other as I have mentioned.

 

Thanks for your post. It is a good thing you provided a timeline on how you did it on your part. It helped me realize that time is needed for both of us to truly accept what happens and both of us need to go through the pain be are both experiencing so that we truly learn from it. We can do this separately, but I chose to do this with her, together.

Edited June 25, 2014 by StrongHusband

[Leelou]

I think the only way to lessen the pain right now, would be to care less about her.

That's probably not an attractive choice for you is it?

 

The only true way is with the passing of Time, and her proving herself to be trustworthy. I don't think there are any shortcuts to the pain

[revelations]

StrongHusband,

 

Here is the problem, their is no real quick fix or anything else. If you are staying married to your WW the marriage is forever changed now. Face facts, for a 2 year period of time your wife chose another man over you. Now I am not talking like you just did not get a date with her or something. She chose to not only bang another man, she chose to do this knowing it would be very painful to you. She knew that this would emasculate and humiliate you. Now she may be trying to make it up to you. She may be feeling guilty and remorseful. However she is the one who caused this. You are the one paying the price. She should be kissing your butt morning, noon and night. You should be taking care of yourself.

 

No one likes to see their wife suffering in any way. Hell as men it is natural for us to try and protect them from that. However what she has done was not an accident or a mistake. She did not wreck your sports car or something. She chose to allow another man inside of her and did not care how it effected you. She needs to feel that pain so that it is a reminder not to cheat again. You will always remember and wonder what she did in bed with her OM. You will always wonder if she is telling you everything. She has betrayed the one person that she has sworn to love. Everything she did to you are things she is suppose to protect you from. Both of you made that same commitment and only one of you has held up your end of the deal.

 

So your WW needs to feel that pain. She needs to learn to live with what she did to you. She should be always wondering if you might decide that you can't do it and walk away from her. These are just some of the prices a person will pay when they cheat. So their is not quick fix to this at all. Not for her and not for you. You may be feeling upbeat about staying with her now and a month later struggle to find a reason to stay with her. I have personally known guys that stayed with their WW for years and then one day up and leave them. Even after years something was bugging them or something that they were unable to accept and they just left.

 

The biggest problem with cheating is overcoming being lied to. What follows that is being made to look like a fool, being second best or second choice by your wife, being humiliated. You were getting sloppy seconds and did not know about it. So if your WW is feeling guilty about all of this, that is good, she should. Because if you really think about it, their is no real way she can make up for something like cheating. She cannot go and unbang the OM. She cannot take back sharing about your shortcomings to the OM. She cannot take back the lie. None of these things she can actually take back or undo. You want to forgive her and that is great. However do not sacrifice your own well being to do so. You need to heal from this and it takes a long time. This is not something that ever goes away, it will always be with you. From what I understand, it is just after some years that you just don't think of it everyday or as often.

 

Your WW needs to know what triggers you and be sensitive to it. Your WW needs to be able to recognize if your feeling bad because you are thinking of her banging the OM. Your WW should be comforting you or leaving you alone, whichever is needed. Everything I have heard you post screams of rug sweeping and finding a way to eliminate the pain now. The rug sweeping is never a good solution and their is no quick fix to the pain. You need to go through it and your WW needs to see what she caused. Remember your WW has shown you in a very "in your face" way that you are the second choice. Now she may be saying that your her first choice now. However you were her second choice for at least two years that she was banging that other guy. Right now and for at least the next two years or more you need to put yourself first. Your priority for your WW should be after yourself, the kid, the dog, the car, fishing, sports, or anything else you enjoy.

 

Your WW did something very horrible to you. She needs to pay a price for that action. She needs to earn your trust back. She needs to earn your respect back. She needs to earn her way back up the list on priorities with you. If you just give her these things after she betrayed you, then they will have no value to her. Their will be nothing to stop her from doing this again or even worse. She will loose what little respect she has for you now. Let's face it, how can you expect someone to respect you when your not respecting yourself? I don't mean to come off as an hard a$$ to you, however I just don't want to see you become a door mat to her. If your sad cry, if your angry scream and yell, hell punch a bag or a tree to get it out. If you look at your WW and think of her banging the OM, tell her about it. Ask her to leave the room if need be. Tell her that you need to be reassured. Your WW's main job right now in the marriage is to make you feel safe. After all she has spent two years making you a second choice and not feeling safe. I have already told you some things that would make me feel a little safer. I have also told you why I will not stay with a WW. You want to stay with your WW and that is fine, I will not knock you for that. However looking for a quick fix or trying to rug sweep the cheating will not work at all. By doing these things I guarantee you that your marriage will break down in the future. So do not think that you are helping her by trying to minimize her pain or protect her from it. By doing so you are not helping her, you are only going to make it worse for her in the long run.

[Oberfeldwebel]

I am sorry for the pain you are going through right now. I wish there was a magic wand or pill that you could take, but unfortunately it takes time. How long that takes just depends on you two. If you are not in MC yet, I highly recommend that you do so. It gives you a place to vent, while the WS gains perspective of the true affect of their actions. A good counselor is well the money.

[fellini]

The biggest problem with cheating is overcoming being lied to. What follows that is being made to look like a fool, being second best or second choice by your wife, being humiliated. You were getting sloppy seconds and did not know about it.

 

I disagree. The problem of being lied to was for me the more understandable. If one is going to cheat, one has got to lie. Lying comes easy.

 

The bigger problems for me are the ACTIVITIES that went on, KNOWING that love was involved, and the being the backup plan to someone who you thought was number 1 and that it was reciprocated.

 

Really, I do not understand the enormous emphasis on the "lying". If my wife lied to me about the cost of a fur coat, thinking it would soften the blow of the purchase, I wouldn't see armageddon. But if my wife told me she bought a coat, and it was in fact a gift from her AP, that would really hurt. Not the lie, the gift.

 

Everything that an AP did with my WS is his gift to her. This is for me, the BIGGEST hurdle in recovering from an A. Not the lies. The lies are part of the game. The lies AFTER the affair hurt more than the lies of the affair. But nothing kills like the affair itself.

[Try]

Thanks for your input. I understand that this pain both my wife and I are experiencing will take time. It has only been 2 months and that is too early for us to accept what happened.

 

Looks like we need to leave it to time to do the healing. I know it will be difficult for me. And my WW also knows it will be difficult for her to truly get through her guilt.

 

Yes... my WW, the one who cheated on me is also suffering right now. This is because she realized the pain she has brought to me and the selfish & stupid mistake she has done. She experiences this everyday, but we help each other get through it together by just talking to each other. To let it all out.

As long as you falsely put her pain over the guilt of the affair on the same level of your pain of being cheated one you will never get over it. They are not even close to being the same thing or to being on the same level. You buying into this false notion gives her a pass for the affair as if she is suffering enough for the affair, and prevents you from really expressing your rage over her long term betrayal for so much of your marraige. Her unprotected sex with her lover even gave you a STD. The truth is that as much as you want to forgive her right now, long term you may never be ever able to trust her again. Also, in the back of your mind, you must know that if you ever do anything that makes her unhappy, if you are not always the perfect husband, she has a lover in the wings that she still works with ready to take your place. Your current situation is not health for you long term.

[fellini]

Also, in the back of your mind, you must know that if you ever do anything that makes her unhappy, if you are not always the perfect husband, she has a lover in the wings that she still works with ready to take your place.

 

If this were true there would never be reconciliation. This completely negates anything about reconciliation that you or anyone is saying. No marriage is ever going to survive this threat. This "lover in the wings" theory mocks the entire purpose of LS and is surely merely a card up the sleeve of jaded BS's who insist that others follow their track of dump and leave.

[Try]

If this were true there would never be reconciliation. This completely negates anything about reconciliation that you or anyone is saying. No marriage is ever going to survive this threat. This "lover in the wings" theory mocks the entire purpose of LS and is surely merely a card up the sleeve of jaded BS's who insist that others follow their track of dump and leave.

People that do reconciliation do so by allowing the cheated on spouse to express their anger and hurt feelings until they heal. By putting her hurt for having cheated on him on the same level as his hurt for being cheated on, what the OP is doing is a type of rug sweeping, and rug sweeping rarely works to give you long term reconciliation. Also when I say that the lover is waiting in the wings, the wife still works with her lover as she has given the OP an excuse as to why she will not change jobs; she needs to change jobs right now to get her 2 year lover that is still in love with her out of her life.

 

Bottom line, contrary to your point of view, rug sweeping and letting her stay at the same job as her lover is not a prerequisite for reconciliation. It is in fact a killer of reconciliation.

[fellini]

Bottom line, contrary to your point of view, rug sweeping and letting her stay at the same job as her lover is not a prerequisite for reconciliation. It is in fact a killer of reconciliation.

 

Actually contrary to your point of view, my point of view is SPECIFICALLY this case. My WS has stopped seeing, wanting to see, looking for, or thinking about her AP, a man she worked with.

 

What you don't seem to get is that even if people work together, it really depends on their work situation.

 

BEFORE my WS was in love with her AP, they worked together during 15 years, she knew only that this man existed but the two of them had ZERO to do with each other even though they worked "together".

 

THEN she fell in love with him and they were inseparable. Suddenly she saw a man every day that for 15 years didn't EVER see him.

 

THEN when she decided to go NC she EASILY web back to NEVER seeing him, and even more so, KNOWS exactly how to avoid him. This is the thing you fail to understand. When the WS has decided, and no longer feels ANYTHING for the AP, it's a non-issue if their work situation does not force them into sitting next to each other working intimately every day. Yes when she was in love she found all kinds of excuses to pass by his office, connect, each lunch, join committees, go on work related dinners, drinks, celebrations, trips to visit off site places. BUT now that they are no longer hooked: She SEES HIM LESS THAN EVEN BEFORE SHE FELT THINGS FOR HIM.

Edited June 26, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[drifter777]

Thanks for your input. I understand that this pain both my wife and I are experiencing will take time. It has only been 2 months and that is too early for us to accept what happened.

 

Looks like we need to leave it to time to do the healing. I know it will be difficult for me. And my WW also knows it will be difficult for her to truly get through her guilt.

 

Time doesn't heal a thing. It may dull the sharpness of the pain, but it also allows the wound to fester and grow even more damaging to the soul. It is what you do with the time that can help your healing. IC, MC, soul-searching, and allowing your WW to try to prove to you that she has changed. That she is not the same person - in her heart - as the one who cheated on you. If she can do this then the trust can begin to heal. But be forewarned: you may never be able to accept her again as your wife because of what she has done. Most men want to think that they can accept and forgive in the wake of d-day because they want the world that she just turned upside down to return to normal. They want to swallow all the pain, deny that it may have destroyed the relationship forever, and just hope that time will heal the wound. This is a recipe for emotional disaster, because some day this will all come out and it's going to be ugly. The longer you internalize your emotions and pretend everything is just fine the more anger and contempt will build up inside of you.

 

And this idea you have about "if she does it again then its over" is just another tool of denial. Its another way to protect your feelings and push off all the anger and hurt to some other time in the future that you don't believe is going to come anyway.

Edited June 26, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator