Author SweetClover Posted June 23, 2014 Author Share Posted June 23, 2014 I am not an expert on cycles, and ovulation .. I've never tried to get pregnant. I only know mine are like clockwork and I took three tests yesterday confirming pregnancy. I have had sex several times since the night in question.. It's just the only night that was completely unprotected and that's what I was going by. Link to post Share on other sites
sisa Posted June 23, 2014 Share Posted June 23, 2014 will you keep the baby? Link to post Share on other sites
Author SweetClover Posted June 23, 2014 Author Share Posted June 23, 2014 will you keep the baby? Yes of course. Link to post Share on other sites
bentleychic Posted June 23, 2014 Share Posted June 23, 2014 I am not an expert on cycles, and ovulation .. I've never tried to get pregnant. I only know mine are like clockwork and I took three tests yesterday confirming pregnancy. I have had sex several times since the night in question.. It's just the only night that was completely unprotected and that's what I was going by. Good luck with the pregnancy, etc. Link to post Share on other sites
spookysonata Posted June 23, 2014 Share Posted June 23, 2014 For your information MM has pleaded with me to be with him long term not the other way around. Yes I want him to be with me but I have not barely asked anything at all of him. It was his idea to have unprotected sex, he's brought up 'making a baby' with me several times and I had no intention to have kids this young so I certainly would never have intentionally got knocked up! Even the night it happened I said I didn't want to do it because we had no protection. I can't be on the pill for medical reasons.. He talked me into it, said it was going to be fine, not saying he intentionally did this but I can confirm he is not unhappy about it! I told him last night and he's already planning on moving out of his home.. I'm asking for patience and for us to just take a breather for a couple weeks before his wife finds out.. He does have two other kids and I'm upset for them. This wasn't my plan at all. And it was NOT on purpose on my part. But you did do it knowing you were unprotected. Not using birth control is a decision to get pregnant. You will need all the luck you can get... Does your friend know that you're having a baby with her husband yet? ETA I see she doesn't. Eeeesh. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted June 23, 2014 Share Posted June 23, 2014 Yes of course. Have you tested yet? Link to post Share on other sites
goodyblue Posted June 23, 2014 Share Posted June 23, 2014 I struggle with this because affairs are not a good idea, and are hurtful to people, but this is just a step beyond. I don't know how his wife would recover from this. Maybe it's a double standard I have because I have to an extent excused my involvement in the affair because I knew how unhappy he was and that he was leaving. But having a baby with someone who is married will kill his wife and the baby will forever know how it came to be and that is sad. Will the father have anything to do with the baby or will he desert it? Will the baby be resented? Will BS play a part in caring for the baby while it visits it's father? So many things that are not a great start for the baby. I hope you find a way to make sure the baby has a good childhood and feels loved and accepted. Sending good thoughts your way. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Hope Shimmers Posted June 23, 2014 Share Posted June 23, 2014 I was not worried that my husband would divorce me or even be angry with me.. I was more worried he would be hurt himself.. Ego and feelings.. I should have definitely had his baby first in my opinion. But we have all discussed having a family and my husband is taking things really well.. Even said he wouldn't love any child born to me different than if he knew it was his. My children are his children. I know that might seem messed up. My friends don't understand our lives either. It's really hard to find people to relate to me. Yes, it seems messed up. Extremely. And I am very open-minded. If it's really hard to find people to relate to you, perhaps you should think about what you are doing and decide if it really makes sense. How old are you? You seem very young/immature from your posts. Sorry, but that's how I read them. And as far as having your H's baby "first"? If that is really the question? Yes, that's what you should have done. No question about it. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted June 23, 2014 Share Posted June 23, 2014 In this posting, the OP relates she is 22 years old and the surrounding thread provides some background material regarding her relationship style and marriage. "I am 22. My husband and my OM are 28 and his wife is in her mid twenties. She has told me she doesn't like sex. She isn't attracted to her husband at all, she has told me this. She doesn't know if its just since having kids or because she caught him cheating once. But he says it was long before he had a one night stand because that's what led to it happening. They hadnt had sex in several months. He cheated and then was acting guilty, or different, she questioned him and he confessed. They went to marital counselling and reconciled and that was almost 4 years ago now. Often they go months now, and she says she does it out of duty but doesn't feel it. " I'll join those members who are encouraging the OP in getting a professional medical confirmation/denial of the pregnancy and *then* proceed with deciding next steps. One day at a time. I would also encourage the OP to decline unprotected sex with men she doesn't clearly wish to have children with. Yes, some men can talk a smooth game but 'no' is still no. Practice it. Good luck! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted June 23, 2014 Share Posted June 23, 2014 I was not worried that my husband would divorce me or even be angry with me.. I was more worried he would be hurt himself.. Ego and feelings.. I should have definitely had his baby first in my opinion. But we have all discussed having a family and my husband is taking things really well.. Even said he wouldn't love any child born to me different than if he knew it was his. My children are his children. I know that might seem messed up. My friends don't understand our lives either. It's really hard to find people to relate to me. If it is MM's child (if you are pregnant) what if he refuses to allow your H to be father to his child. what if he wants to divorce his wife and to be with you and the baby full time? It's great and you're extremely lucky to have a husband who is okay with you having other men, let alone getting pregnant by someone else but neither of you have any control over what happens with MM, and his wife. If he is the father, she will have to know the truth too, don't hide it from her. Link to post Share on other sites
Hope Shimmers Posted June 23, 2014 Share Posted June 23, 2014 In this posting, the OP relates she is 22 years old and the surrounding thread provides some background material regarding her relationship style and marriage. "I am 22. My husband and my OM are 28 and his wife is in her mid twenties. She has told me she doesn't like sex. She isn't attracted to her husband at all, she has told me this. She doesn't know if its just since having kids or because she caught him cheating once. But he says it was long before he had a one night stand because that's what led to it happening. They hadnt had sex in several months. He cheated and then was acting guilty, or different, she questioned him and he confessed. They went to marital counselling and reconciled and that was almost 4 years ago now. Often they go months now, and she says she does it out of duty but doesn't feel it. " I'll join those members who are encouraging the OP in getting a professional medical confirmation/denial of the pregnancy and *then* proceed with deciding next steps. One day at a time. I would also encourage the OP to decline unprotected sex with men she doesn't clearly wish to have children with. Yes, some men can talk a smooth game but 'no' is still no. Practice it. Good luck! Thank you for posting this. It clears up a lot of questions. Link to post Share on other sites
dichotomy Posted June 23, 2014 Share Posted June 23, 2014 (edited) If it is MM's child (if you are pregnant) what if he refuses to allow your H to be father to his child. what if he wants to divorce his wife and to be with you and the baby full time? It's great and you're extremely lucky to have a husband who is okay with you having other men, let alone getting pregnant by someone else but neither of you have any control over what happens with MM, and his wife. If he is the father, she will have to know the truth too, don't hide it from her. It sounds like MM will leave his wife and kids to go move in with her and her husband. She has wanted this badly and if she is confirmed pregnant - will now have what she has longed for.......Except for the pain of MM's wife's loss and her kids, but then again MM's wife did allow for a period of time an open marriage and her husband to have sex with OP but cut it off after she understood her husband and OP were having real feelings ....and not just having sex. This will be a challenge for the current kids, and the one maybe to be. I have struggled to understand poly arrangements, but never really thought about kids being brought into that arrangement. But I suppose history has had plenty of situations like it. Edited June 23, 2014 by dichotomy 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted June 23, 2014 Share Posted June 23, 2014 For your information MM has pleaded with me to be with him long term not the other way around. Yes I want him to be with me but I have not barely asked anything at all of him. It was his idea to have unprotected sex, he's brought up 'making a baby' with me several times and I had no intention to have kids this young so I certainly would never have intentionally got knocked up! Even the night it happened I said I didn't want to do it because we had no protection. I can't be on the pill for medical reasons.. He talked me into it, said it was going to be fine, not saying he intentionally did this but I can confirm he is not unhappy about it! I told him last night and he's already planning on moving out of his home.. I'm asking for patience and for us to just take a breather for a couple weeks before his wife finds out.. He does have two other kids and I'm upset for them. This wasn't my plan at all. And it was NOT on purpose on my part. Was this also in agreement with your open relationship with your husband? I get that this wasn't your plan...but at the same time, this was clearly a choice that you made. Is your H ok with this, or was this part outside of your boundaries? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author SweetClover Posted June 23, 2014 Author Share Posted June 23, 2014 Yes, it seems messed up. Extremely. And I am very open-minded. If it's really hard to find people to relate to you, perhaps you should think about what you are doing and decide if it really makes sense. How old are you? You seem very young/immature from your posts. Sorry, but that's how I read them. And as far as having your H's baby "first"? If that is really the question? Yes, that's what you should have done. No question about it. I am young. But assuming I haven't thought about everything a million times over is off. Telling me to think about it? I have many times. I would never have gotten so involved with him if I didnt love him and my husband loves him too and we all want this to work out. We planned to be together just not yet. Things aren't all black and white. You choose your family. Not all people can only love one person at a time. I didn't want to get pregnant until I was like 30. I'm usually very good with achieving what I want.. This was a mistake obviously. But I am trying to think positive Link to post Share on other sites
ThatsJustHowIRoll Posted June 23, 2014 Share Posted June 23, 2014 For your information MM has pleaded with me to be with him long term not the other way around. Yes I want him to be with me but I have not barely asked anything at all of him. It was his idea to have unprotected sex, he's brought up 'making a baby' with me several times and I had no intention to have kids this young so I certainly would never have intentionally got knocked up! Even the night it happened I said I didn't want to do it because we had no protection. I can't be on the pill for medical reasons.. He talked me into it, said it was going to be fine, not saying he intentionally did this but I can confirm he is not unhappy about it! I told him last night and he's already planning on moving out of his home.. I'm asking for patience and for us to just take a breather for a couple weeks before his wife finds out.. He does have two other kids and I'm upset for them. This wasn't my plan at all. And it was NOT on purpose on my part. His idea? Talked you into it? ...c'mon, you seem bright...you say no. Simple. you know sex + no contraception = baby, right? I call BS. You are a 22 year old grown woman...who is going to be a mother. Time to grow up. Own your decisions. You chose this as much as he did. And now you are going to have to face your friend, his wife, and explain why your word meant nothing to her and her children. Why they meant nothing to you. Own it. Furthermore, youre poly, your husband is poly and your boyfriend is poly..you are high risk for STIs. This was NOT smart. Now that you are pregnant, I suggest you seriously consider your sexual health because it WILL affect the baby should you contract something. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author SweetClover Posted June 23, 2014 Author Share Posted June 23, 2014 In this posting, the OP relates she is 22 years old and the surrounding thread provides some background material regarding her relationship style and marriage. I'll join those members who are encouraging the OP in getting a professional medical confirmation/denial of the pregnancy and *then* proceed with deciding next steps. One day at a time. I would also encourage the OP to decline unprotected sex with men she doesn't clearly wish to have children with. Yes, some men can talk a smooth game but 'no' is still no. Practice it. Good luck! He's asked me about having his kids several times. I was open to the idea and so was my husband but not yet. I wanted to wait years before that. I'm not having sex with anyone but these two men. I love him, I feel it's special to have his child and I'm thinking positive about it. If he could change something it would only be the timeline. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SweetClover Posted June 23, 2014 Author Share Posted June 23, 2014 Was this also in agreement with your open relationship with your husband? I get that this wasn't your plan...but at the same time, this was clearly a choice that you made. Is your H ok with this, or was this part outside of your boundaries? I told him I thought I might be pregnant and he took me to get tests. He's the sweetest guy in the world to me. He kept telling me he was sure I was just getting the flu and it would all be fine. I guess before this we had talked about babies for sure and have had a couple scares but never one I was so sure about. We have even talked about me having the other guys kid, but just assumed if it happened it would be in the future.. I had actually planned to get merena but just used condoms. I've had sex with MM unprotected before but like.. Don't wanna be crass we avoid pregnancy.. It's not 100 percent OBVIOUSLY but thought we were careful enough. And my husband knows this! Was fine we talk about that and do the same thing together. When the tests came out positive he looked sad for like a split second. I think just because this changes everything. I'll go to the doctor for sure. Who knows, could be my husbands? Maybe I'm further along than I thought. But he has been away a while.. He said that he doesn't think he would love this kid any different than his own and that MM is a great dad and this kid will be so loved. I don't know, he knows exactly what to say to make me feel so safe. Things are ok. But I'm still stressing about everything, this has messed up things for lots of people and we had planned to carry things out much much more slowly. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SweetClover Posted June 23, 2014 Author Share Posted June 23, 2014 If it is MM's child (if you are pregnant) what if he refuses to allow your H to be father to his child. what if he wants to divorce his wife and to be with you and the baby full time? It's great and you're extremely lucky to have a husband who is okay with you having other men, let alone getting pregnant by someone else but neither of you have any control over what happens with MM, and his wife. If he is the father, she will have to know the truth too, don't hide it from her. We won't hide it much longer. He had planned to move ahead with a divorce and move in here after a certain amount of time.. We just planned to wait. I hadn't wanted to wait much longer but knew we needed to. This changes things. I don't know what he's going to tell his wife yet. But he seems really happy about thr future right now.. Just nervous about what this means for right now. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted June 23, 2014 Share Posted June 23, 2014 He is planning on divorcing his wife, leaving his kids behind and moving in with you and your husband? And if this child is his, the three of you will parent the baby together? I'm not judging, it's just that it's going to be real hard on other kids and the fallout of this will be huge on his end. Even more so since his wife is in the dark, and assuming their friends, other family members too will be shocked when that news comes out. He will have a lot deal with and may lose people over this. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
bentleychic Posted June 24, 2014 Share Posted June 24, 2014 He said that he doesn't think he would love this kid any different than his own and that MM is a great dad and this kid will be so loved. I don't know, he knows exactly what to say to make me feel so safe. Things are ok. But I'm still stressing about everything, this has messed up things for lots of people and we had planned to carry things out much much more slowly. Your hubby sounds too good to be true! I hope things continue going smoothly for all involved. I admit I cannot wrap my mind around this situation, but best wishes with the pregnancy, regardless. Link to post Share on other sites
LYC Posted June 24, 2014 Share Posted June 24, 2014 If this is the lifestyle you all choose. And both men are supportive at the least. Could you please clarify why you are posting here? What support do you need? Link to post Share on other sites
Author SweetClover Posted June 24, 2014 Author Share Posted June 24, 2014 I have very few female friends who are close enough to talk about any of this with and the ones I do can't relate and I don't want to burden with it anyways. I need to get my feelings out more than just with two biased guys who are telling me everything will be fine Link to post Share on other sites
Author SweetClover Posted June 24, 2014 Author Share Posted June 24, 2014 If this is the lifestyle you all choose. And both men are supportive at the least. Could you please clarify why you are posting here? What support do you need? Open marriage or not.. I still had an affair with my friends husband and she's going to find out soon. Link to post Share on other sites
ThatsJustHowIRoll Posted June 24, 2014 Share Posted June 24, 2014 Open marriage or not.. I still had an affair with my friends husband and she's going to find out soon. Yeah. Are you preparedfor that? Whats your strategy? Link to post Share on other sites
Author SweetClover Posted June 24, 2014 Author Share Posted June 24, 2014 (edited) Yeah. Are you preparedfor that? Whats your strategy? No I feel really sick about it. Not prepared. He said he was going to tell her immediately, and I flipped out. He said he thinks on some level he wanted this so she wouldn't be able to talk him into staying again and I flipped out.. Im an emotional mess. I said that was a horrible thing to say. He apologized .. He has lots of anger towards her but I love her and I feel horrible that she's going to be hurt. Her friend has been living with them, so he says she won't be alone if he comes to stay with us.. They also have 2 kids. Young. Under 5. He is really scared she will take them to her hometown 3 hours away and he can't afford to move.. He knows he can't get full physical custody, personal reasons she would win if they fought for that.. He just wants shared custody, the right to see them whenever he wants and said he would tell her to keep their house he'll pay for it and child support if she wants. But we're in a small town and she's shown herself to make as much of a scene as possible and I'm aware I brought this on myself I'm just very unsure what she'll do at this point. Not saying I wouldn't deserve it so I don't really care to hear on here that I do.. Honestly I love this woman too and wanted in the beginning to raise our families together.. I'd still want that, just her and now neither husband seem to want the same. She is going to hate me and knowing that sucks. I'm not trying to belittle that.. I feel really really bad about it. I already miss her in my life. I have since the lies started. My strategy is to be patient, go to the doctor and get things confirmed. Figure out if he's really the dad and let him decide if he tells hers before or after he moves out. They've been discussing separation so it won't be a complete shock but still she's going to be blindsided about me.. I'll just be honest. If she asks I'll tell her but I don't plan to volunteer info. As of right now she does not know anything is going on. We are waiting until I see the doctor. Edited June 24, 2014 by SweetClover Link to post Share on other sites
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