18 Year Old- Sex at Home

[Radu]

Well, he doesn't have a GF and doesnt want one because he's about to start college. But he is handsome, smart, tall. Lots of girls pretty much throw themselves at him. I guess I want to make sure no girls are being " used " in our house. But my husband says its none of our business now that he's 18.

 

See, i totally agreed with your thread and views until i saw the bolded.

I thought your views came from being old-fashioned and because of what your daughter found, but the fact is that you just want to side with 'sisters' you do not know, over your own son.

I don't agree with your husband either though.

 

I am glad he is safe.

 

We have talked with him about being considerate of girls feelings, and respecting, etc. We would check his phone sometimes just to see what he was up to (before he turned 18), and some girls had sent him some naked pics. He wasn't encouraging it- he was straight up saying he doesn't want a girlfriend. But we told him not to forward the pics, have respect for them, etc.

 

At that time he told us girls confused him. He admitted he'd had sex with three girls, but said he would tell girls he didnt want a GF, they would say OK we can be FWB, but later they would get upset and cry when he told them again that he didn't want to be in a relationship. I explained how sex can cause bonding hormones and they may get attached even if they don't intend to, and to try and be considerate of that.

 

He's always been a good kid, great grades, no trouble.

Again, same thing.

Some of those girls said 'ok' because they hoped they could change his mind.

What you should be doing is look after him, because he might end up meeting one girl who won't take this quite the same way, and end up doing a 'whoops' pregnancy, which you know what it means ... 19 yrs of forced child support.

 

What's more important ... the interests of your 'sisters' or your son's interests ?

[SummerDreams]

See, i totally agreed with your thread and views until i saw the bolded.

I thought your views came from being old-fashioned and because of what your daughter found, but the fact is that you just want to side with 'sisters' you do not know, over your own son.

I don't agree with your husband either though.

 

Again, same thing.

Some of those girls said 'ok' because they hoped they could change his mind.

What you should be doing is look after him, because he might end up meeting one girl who won't take this quite the same way, and end up doing a 'whoops' pregnancy, which you know what it means ... 19 yrs of forced child support.

 

What's more important ... the interests of your 'sisters' or your son's interests ?

 

While I'd prefer to die than being seen as feminist () I can't help but noticing that this post is really misogynistic. If he (and all men for this matter) don't want a "forced child support" and they just see the possibility of their child's birth as a huge burden for their well being, then they should a) be more careful with the selection of women they have sex with, b) use protection themselves or c) not have sex at all. Two people who have sex silently agree to the (slight or not) possibility of a pregnancy. If a man can't keep his upper head working cause the other head has taken control, then they don't have the right to blame the woman afterwards. Not all women are bitches who want to fool a guy to get them pregnant. If a man is patient enough to search only for women who are not like this, he will be rewarded. If not, he would accept his responsibility. (I guess we are slightly off topic ).

[littleplanet]

History major. I'm worried he'll have trouble finding a job, but he said he is cool with being a teacher if that's the case. He's really into world history, military history and politics. And hes an awesome debater. We arent far from DC so Im hoping that helps with the job search.

 

I was a history major myself.

If he winds up being near the DC job market, I'd suggest adding a little political science and economics to the history.

Knowing political and economic history can really liven up a straight boring history curriculum.

(who knows? He could wind up interning in the capital.....)

 

I guess we just slid off-topic here, didn't we?

(I'm a lateral, as opposed to a literal thinker. My friends all know I can change topic at about mach 3.)

[littleplanet]

While I'd prefer to die than being seen as feminist () I can't help but noticing that this post is really misogynistic. If he (and all men for this matter) don't want a "forced child support" and they just see the possibility of their child's birth as a huge burden for their well being, then they should a) be more careful with the selection of women they have sex with, b) use protection themselves or c) not have sex at all. Two people who have sex silently agree to the (slight or not) possibility of a pregnancy. If a man can't keep his upper head working cause the other head has taken control, then they don't have the right to blame the woman afterwards. Not all women are bitches who want to fool a guy to get them pregnant. If a man is patient enough to search only for women who are not like this, he will be rewarded. If not, he would accept his responsibility. (I guess we are slightly off topic ).

 

 

I raised a male child myself, and one of my biggest concerns was always that he would grow up capable of being respectful of women.

He took a lot of cues from his mom, but he also took a lot of influence from me as well. (Less on the lecture, more by example.)

I still think this is germane to the issue.

 

When I was a high school senior, unplanned and unwanted pregnancy was just as big a deal then, as it is now.

Yet we all did what we did probably as much in defiance of, and in rebellion to.....established rules of conduct (that we obviously didn't agree with.)

I would hazard a guess that what has been added in this day and age is a decided propensity toward rebellion against what could be seen as the smotheration of 'political correctness.'

 

But back to the original spirit of the topic. Of course it is perfectly natural for a parent to want to know that their offspring's head is screwed on straight.

I mean - unless we lived in a world where no child coming of age ever did anything until after the proper cermonies and exchange of vows......then we have to live with the fact that for most, it doesn't happen this way.

 

I have no idea what the number of post-grad boomerangs there are out there.....but the number is significant. These aren't kids anymore, but they are still living under the parental roof. And seeing as some of them would be closer to 30 than 20.....I would think in many cases the rules would be relaxed, somewhat.

 

And although an 18 year-old is decreed old enough to vote, join the military, etc..........the emotional volatilities of romantic relations probably still need a fair bit of fine-tuning.

(Ironically - I have no personal experience to offer. From the age of 16 onward, I lived under no parental roof. So my earliest adventures did not involve those considerations. However - the GIQ (girl in question) certainly did, and that involved a lot of negotiation!)

 

I agree with your abc's of consequence. Something all kids should have down long before college. (And thankfully, most do.) No boys should grow up looking at the opposite gender as nothing more than a potential ball and chain.

Paternal instincts (and they do exist!) are not explored enough in our fair society, in my considered opinion.

.......and I'm not talking about the good ol' boy paternalistic iron-fisted control thing, here.

[ASG]

 

I have no idea what the number of post-grad boomerangs there are out there.....but the number is significant. These aren't kids anymore, but they are still living under the parental roof. And seeing as some of them would be closer to 30 than 20.....I would think in many cases the rules would be relaxed, somewhat.

 

 

I think this is where my experience is a bit different than most on here.

Where I'm from, it's rare that you go away for university. Very very rare. So I lived at home until I was 22 (turning 23 a week or so later).

 

My brother still lives at home. He's 30, going on 31. He was away for a year, studying abroad, but he's only now looking for a place of his own.

 

And this is the way it works for most of my friends and family. Everyone lives at home until at least mid 20's, after getting your degree and establishing yourself in your career.

 

A friend of mine left it so late to leave his parents house, they moved out instead, when they retired! Same thing happened with my ex SIL, although she was in her early 20's when her parent decided to move to the suburbs.

 

 

So in my experience, rules were lax. Certainly after a certain age.

I know that after finishing high school and starting working full time, I stopped having any kind of curfew of rules about nights out. The only thing I had to do was warn my mom of whether I was coming home for dinner or not (and if I was not coming home at all, since she'd be worried if she woke up in the morning and I wasn't there!)

[littleplanet]

I think this is where my experience is a bit different than most on here.

Where I'm from, it's rare that you go away for university. Very very rare. So I lived at home until I was 22 (turning 23 a week or so later).

 

My brother still lives at home. He's 30, going on 31. He was away for a year, studying abroad, but he's only now looking for a place of his own.

 

And this is the way it works for most of my friends and family. Everyone lives at home until at least mid 20's, after getting your degree and establishing yourself in your career.

 

A friend of mine left it so late to leave his parents house, they moved out instead, when they retired! Same thing happened with my ex SIL, although she was in her early 20's when her parent decided to move to the suburbs.

 

 

So in my experience, rules were lax. Certainly after a certain age.

I know that after finishing high school and starting working full time, I stopped having any kind of curfew of rules about nights out. The only thing I had to do was warn my mom of whether I was coming home for dinner or not (and if I was not coming home at all, since she'd be worried if she woke up in the morning and I wasn't there!)

 

 

 

What I find interesting about what you describe.....is the lax rules.

In a general culture where post-high school young adults are not traveling far afield pursuing higher education, but instead close to home - it makes perfect sense. A sort of natural evolution into young adulthood.

 

This also makes me ponder - when parents have their grown-up children around more, there is less anxiety perhaps, as to what they're doing with the romantic side of their lives.....because of course, there is more direct contact on a regular basis.

 

I know at my university, during frosh week - the sheer total amount of absolutely hormonal ya ya activity going on all around is absolutely staggering.

I always figured this is just a bunch of kids sprung free from the restraints of home, family, hometown and all the rest of it. And that first "party week" looks pretty ferocious.

 

In my generation.......the unwritten rules amongst us all was that no-one was ever still in their family home by the September following high school graduation. This was looked upon as rite of passage into young adulthood.

So at that time the world seemed full of 18 and 19 year olds rattling around in shared apartments and houses.

Different times / different economy. Different morals? To a degree...........

 

What was also different then - was the particular importance of launching a career. One could muddle through a number of years of independent living before that happened. This is still attempted by many, but with mixed results.

 

I have no idea how off-topic this particular discussion is......but it's a good discussion!

(sorry if I stray.....a thousand apologies)

[Quiet Storm]

See, i totally agreed with your thread and views until i saw the bolded.

I thought your views came from being old-fashioned and because of what your daughter found, but the fact is that you just want to side with 'sisters' you do not know, over your own son.

I don't agree with your husband either though.

 

Again, same thing.

Some of those girls said 'ok' because they hoped they could change his mind.

What you should be doing is look after him, because he might end up meeting one girl who won't take this quite the same way, and end up doing a 'whoops' pregnancy, which you know what it means ... 19 yrs of forced child support.

 

What's more important ... the interests of your 'sisters' or your son's interests ?

 

This really isn't about any sisterhood for me. It is important to me that he is compassionate and considerate of any friend, whether it's a guy friend or a FWB.

 

He is a caring kid, and he told me himself that he doesn't want to hurt anyone's feelings. It makes him feel bad when they get upset because he doesn't want a relationship. So I was just helping him understand why that happens, and how the only way to avoid the possibility of a girl getting attached is to not have casual sex.

 

I understand that some of the girls were hoping to change his mind. It reminds me of the saying "women give sex to get love, men give love to get sex". Some girls will use sex as a weapon to manipulate. Some girls use sex/pics to get attention. Some girls intend to be FWB but get attached because of the oxytocin from sex. But whatever their intent or motivation is, he wants to avoid any emotional attachment. He doesn't want to feel responsible for their feelings. Do I think he is responsible for their feelings? No, because he was straight up about only wanting FWB. But he is not the type of kid to tell a crying girl "Oh well, I told you I didn't want a GF so get over it". I want him to understand why this is happening to him, so that he knows the impact that casual sex can have. Pregnancy, STDs, crying girls, crazy girls, etc. are all possibilities.

 

Its not girls vs boys for me, it's just about having respect, compassion & consideration of others.

Edited June 25, 2014 by Quiet Storm