18 Year Old- Sex at Home

[atlg8r]

You are absolutely allowed to "push" values on him! That is our job as parents - to teach and instill good values! Also, I know it is unrealistic these days, but when my son gets that age, I hope that he respects women enough to not use anyone for sex, regardless of if they want to do it or not.

 

Also, he should be very careful that none of these girls (or one he meets away at college) gets so upset that she claims the sex wasn't consensual. Again, when my son gets to be that age, I want him to be VERY cautious because I'd hate for him to misconstrue what a girl agrees to or be falsely accused of rape.

[Quiet Storm]

You are absolutely allowed to "push" values on him! That is our job as parents - to teach and instill good values! Also, I know it is unrealistic these days, but when my son gets that age, I hope that he respects women enough to not use anyone for sex, regardless of if they want to do it or not.

 

Also, he should be very careful that none of these girls (or one he meets away at college) gets so upset that she claims the sex wasn't consensual. Again, when my son gets to be that age, I want him to be VERY cautious because I'd hate for him to misconstrue what a girl agrees to or be falsely accused of rape.

 

We do instill our values in them. What I meant was that I don't want to push the value that all casual sex is bad and sex should only happen in a relationship. Especially when I don't think there is anything wrong with casual sex- as long as the people involved are mature enough to handle it. We aren't religious and I have no issue with single people having casual sex. I just don't think most eighteen year olds are ready for it yet. The girls seem to get too attached, and the boys don't know how to deal with the hurt feelings.

 

We have warned him many times that girls could turn around and deny the sex was consensual.

[ASG]

"Your house, your rules" is a great little phrase, but the truth is, it'll have little to no impact.

 

I remember being a teenager. Younger than 18 as well. My mom spent several weekends away. We were past the age of spending the weekends are my dad's, so we'd stay home alone during those weekends.

 

I can't even begin to tell you the amount of times I went out on those weekends. I wasn't allowed to. But who was gonna stop me? My dad had this "rule" that we had to call him, at around midnight or whatever, from the house phone to his mobile phone, so that he could see we were home. I would make the call and then leave the house. Sometimes I was out, would come home, make the call and leave again.

 

At some point, whenever my mom was out of town, my boyfriend would move in for the weekend. This had not been discussed between me and my mom, at all. I tried to keep it hidden.

 

The point is, he will do what he will do. You might think it's disrespectful, and yes, it kind of is, but at the same time, there is no stopping it. I'm sure ALL of us did stuff our parents didn't approve of, and/or did things behind their backs.

 

I do, however, think you need to speak to him about "covering his tracks" better. There is NO need for you daughter to be exposed to that yet.

[Cynicalme]

 

I talked to him last night, and I explained that I don't like the idea of him having sex with "randoms" in the house. That it sets a bad example for the other two kids. He understood that and agreed not to have sex at home anymore.

 

 

So you came to your senses. Good for you. I was just going to suggest you keep all valuable possessions locked up when you're not home. And to leave your doors and windows open while you sleep.

[thefooloftheyear]

I wouldnt be laundering his sheets...he can do that himself now...

 

TFY

[Els]

I talked to him last night, and I explained that I don't like the idea of him having sex with "randoms" in the house. That it sets a bad example for the other two kids. He understood that and agreed not to have sex at home anymore.

 

Sounds good.

 

The talk you had with him is also good. Honestly, I don't think there's much more that you can do at his age. Young adults are going to go out and make their own mistakes, and learn from them. He seems quite grounded for a young adult and you seem to have taught him well... so now, it's time for him to go out and make his own mistakes...

[Els]

I wouldnt be laundering his sheets...he can do that himself now...

 

TFY

 

You mean kids these days don't do their own laundry at 18!?!?

[thefooloftheyear]

You mean kids these days don't do their own laundry at 18!?!?

 

They are lucky they can wipe their own asses.....(shakes cane)...

 

TFY

[littleplanet]

We do instill our values in them. What I meant was that I don't want to push the value that all casual sex is bad and sex should only happen in a relationship. Especially when I don't think there is anything wrong with casual sex- as long as the people involved are mature enough to handle it. We aren't religious and I have no issue with single people having casual sex. I just don't think most eighteen year olds are ready for it yet. The girls seem to get too attached, and the boys don't know how to deal with the hurt feelings.

 

We have warned him many times that girls could turn around and deny the sex was consensual.

 

 

I agree with this totally.

Casual........is bad news for anyone who can't handle the emotionally independent side of sex. And many people can't. And it's quite likely this is true for young people.

Come to think of it - I only ever had one casual encounter before I got married. Didn't do any damage, but didn't like it much.

 

One thing I used to say to my son a lot by the time he was 15 (his mom handled all the birds & bees stuff - I handled the emotional stuff) - was that sex can be a field of landmines if you don't have a healthy respect for the volatilty it can present.

I've known plenty of people in my life, who appeared to have their act together in many ways.....who fell to pieces over sex.

The fuse in the bomb so to speak. Remove the fuse, and the bomb is as harmless as a doghouse.

I think he actually got it!

 

So as you said: the critical ingredient is emotional maturity. Absolutely.

 

(so often..........mistaken for physical maturity.)

[atlg8r]

"Your house, your rules" is a great little phrase, but the truth is, it'll have little to no impact.

 

I remember being a teenager. Younger than 18 as well. My mom spent several weekends away. We were past the age of spending the weekends are my dad's, so we'd stay home alone during those weekends.

 

I can't even begin to tell you the amount of times I went out on those weekends. I wasn't allowed to. But who was gonna stop me? My dad had this "rule" that we had to call him, at around midnight or whatever, from the house phone to his mobile phone, so that he could see we were home. I would make the call and then leave the house. Sometimes I was out, would come home, make the call and leave again.

 

At some point, whenever my mom was out of town, my boyfriend would move in for the weekend. This had not been discussed between me and my mom, at all. I tried to keep it hidden.

 

The point is, he will do what he will do. You might think it's disrespectful, and yes, it kind of is, but at the same time, there is no stopping it. I'm sure ALL of us did stuff our parents didn't approve of, and/or did things behind their backs.

 

I do, however, think you need to speak to him about "covering his tracks" better. There is NO need for you daughter to be exposed to that yet.

 

I did lots of things my parents didn't approve, also. It doesn't mean parents shouldn't make rules or communicate their wishes for their children.

 

Also, I was working starting at 16 years old, contributing toward my entertainment costs as well as car insurance and gas. My parents didn't just let me hang out at the house all summer with no responsibilities.

[ASG]

I did lots of things my parents didn't approve, also. It doesn't mean parents shouldn't make rules or communicate their wishes for their children.

 

Also, I was working starting at 16 years old, contributing toward my entertainment costs as well as car insurance and gas. My parents didn't just let me hang out at the house all summer with no responsibilities.

 

I guess everyone will have different experiences.

I'm all for having conversations with your teenage kids about what you think should be happening or not happening. But saying "no more sex in the house" is not necessarily going to stop it happening, is what I'm saying.

 

My parents didn't let me work while I was in school (and I wanted to!!), so I had the run of the house during the 3 months of summer holiday, and pretty much did whatever I felt like during the day.

[SmartDude]

I remember being that age as a young man.

 

I think one thing that is underestimated is that a young man can suffer psychological damage by talking about sexual matters with ones mother. Especially having to disclose personal matters. And YES these are personal matters for him now and basically its none of your business.

 

To quote from a very well known song:

 

"Mama's gonna check out all your girlfriends for you.

Mama wont let anyone dirty get through.

Mama's gonna wait up until you get in.

Mama will always find out where you've been.

Mama's gonna keep baby healthy and clean.

Ooooh baby oooh baby oooh baby,

You'll always be baby to me."

[Quiet Storm]

I did lots of things my parents didn't approve, also. It doesn't mean parents shouldn't make rules or communicate their wishes for their children.

 

Also, I was working starting at 16 years old, contributing toward my entertainment costs as well as car insurance and gas. My parents didn't just let me hang out at the house all summer with no responsibilities.

 

I already posted that he has a job, pays his own car insurance & phone. I also like him home during the day to watch the younger two while my husband and I work. I don't know where you are getting the idea that he is lazy and has no responsibilities. He stays home with a 10 & 11 YO during the day, and works at a grocery store on evenings & weekends. He also has plenty of chores, like cutting the grass, trash, washing cars, etc. He is very responsible, received academic scholarships, trouble free. His teachers all have told me how bright & wonderful he is. Just because he's sexually active (like many 18 year olds), doesn't mean he is an irresponsible, lazy mooch. I wanted different opinions & I appreciate your input, but my mama bear defense is coming out because you are attributing these negative qualities to him that just aren't there.

[atlg8r]

I already posted that he has a job, pays his own car insurance & phone. I also like him home during the day to watch the younger two while my husband and I work. I don't know where you are getting the idea that he is lazy and has no responsibilities. He stays home with a 10 & 11 YO during the day, and works at a grocery store on evenings & weekends. He also has plenty of chores, like cutting the grass, trash, washing cars, etc. He is very responsible, received academic scholarships, trouble free. His teachers all have told me how bright & wonderful he is. Just because he's sexually active (like many 18 year olds), doesn't mean he is an irresponsible, lazy mooch. I wanted different opinions & I appreciate your input, but my mama bear defense is coming out because you are attributing these negative qualities to him that just aren't there.

 

I'm sorry you inferred that. My specific response (that you quoted) only stated MY experience. I didn't say anything about your son.

[Quiet Storm]

I remember being that age as a young man.

 

I think one thing that is underestimated is that a young man can suffer psychological damage by talking about sexual matters with ones mother. Especially having to disclose personal matters. And YES these are personal matters for him now and basically its none of your business.

 

To quote from a very well known song:

 

"Mama's gonna check out all your girlfriends for you.

Mama wont let anyone dirty get through.

Mama's gonna wait up until you get in.

Mama will always find out where you've been.

Mama's gonna keep baby healthy and clean.

Ooooh baby oooh baby oooh baby,

You'll always be baby to me."

 

Ahhh yes, Pink Floyd brings back some memories.

 

My husband and I have been pretty open with him about it for a couple years now. He doesn't seem embarrassed to discuss it with us. Now that he is 18, I agree that personal things are his business. But he still lives with us and has to be considerate of us and his younger brother and sister. He can't throw a used condom in the small trash can in his room because we have dogs. Also, I want him to understand how sex can evolve into something more, especially for women, and to expect that feelings can happen EVEN with "we are only FWB & I don't want a GF" disclaimers.

 

These days, with teens sending inappropriate pics back & forth on their parents cell phone accounts, you have to be proactive, IMO. Parents can risk getting charged with distributing child porn if their kid forwards naked pics- pics that girls their own age sent to them. So because of this, I did monitor his phone & internet before he turned 18, although I have stopped now that he's 18.

[Quiet Storm]

I'm sorry you inferred that. My specific response (that you quoted) only stated MY experience. I didn't say anything about your son.

 

It seemed like you were suggesting that because you said this

 

Is he working? Is he paying rent? I would not let him just sit around all day the entire summer without contributing.

 

and then this

 

Also, I was working starting at 16 years old, contributing toward my entertainment costs as well as car insurance and gas. My parents didn't just let me hang out at the house all summer with no responsibilities.

 

Sorry if I misinterpreted that.

[Snowflower]

QS, it seems like you've had a good conversation with your son about the possible ramifications of his decisions.

 

Young adults are going to do what they are going to do. I have a 19 year old and a 23 year old so I get it.

 

I guess I'm really surprised (and I must be the old-fashioned one here) that no one thought this was all not such a great idea. If my H and I caught our 19 year old having sex at home--the brown stuff would hit the fan. It's one thing to know they might be sexually active; it's another to tacitly approve it by allowing it at home.

 

JMHO. QS, you're one of my favorite posters on LS and I usually agree 100% with what you post on a variety of subjects.

[ASG]

QS, it seems like you've had a good conversation with your son about the possible ramifications of his decisions.

 

Young adults are going to do what they are going to do. I have a 19 year old and a 23 year old so I get it.

 

I guess I'm really surprised (and I must be the old-fashioned one here) that no one thought this was all not such a great idea. If my H and I caught our 19 year old having sex at home--the brown stuff would hit the fan. It's one thing to know they might be sexually active; it's another to tacitly approve it by allowing it at home.

 

 

I'll admit to not having kids, but what exactly do you think would happen if you blew up on your 19yo for having sex in the house?

They would either go somewhere else to do the deed (possibly a public place, where they could get arrested), or continue to do it in the house, only make it so that you wouldn't find out.

 

Maybe it's because my own experiences as a teenager were different, but by the time I was 17 and in a LTR, my bf would sleep over when my parents weren't around. It was a "secret" at first, but mostly cause I was too embarrassed to tell my mom. She figured it out and after some time would specifically tell me to have my bf over during the weekends she was away, and also encouraged me to sleep over at his place, so I really don't see what the issue is...

We were, however, respectful, and wouldn't have sex if they were around, specially when we all went on holiday together, which was a family tradition. But the boys and the girls slept separately then.

[Snowflower]

I'll admit to not having kids, but what exactly do you think would happen if you blew up on your 19yo for having sex in the house?

They would either go somewhere else to do the deed (possibly a public place, where they could get arrested), or continue to do it in the house, only make it so that you wouldn't find out.

 

 

I know my POV isn't the popular one and I don't wish to take away from QS's questions that she has put out here on her thread.

 

The whole, oh, they will go do it in a public place and get arrested really doesn't fly with me. An 18 year old (or 19 year old) should know better and that whole premise of they are adults now so they can do as they please (as alluded to earlier in this thread) also applies to the possible public situation. If a young adult makes that decision, then that is all on them. After all, they are adults right?

 

QS has made her decision and it sounds like it works for her family. I just don't agree and I'm glad my 19 year old is off on her own and I no longer have to deal with this type of thing. My kids just knew that was a "no go" at our house.

[Quiet Storm]

The above posts from Snowflower & ASG illustrate my conflicted feelings on this. I'm still not sure what the best approach is, but luckily he understood our concerns about our younger ones and agreed to not do it in the house anymore.

 

The bigger issue for me is the whole FWB culture that is happening now, and how to deal with that. I have two more kids, so eventually I will have to address this with them, too.

 

I want him to decide for himself that having FWBs is not worth the hassle (risk of STD's, pregnancy, hurting the girl's feelings, etc). I want our warnings to make him think the next time he has an "opportunity", and him to take sex more seriously. I want him to realize that just because girls are offering FWB relationships, doesn't mean he has to take them up on that offer. I think he is starting to feel the negative consequences with girls that ended up wanting more, so I hope those experiences, along with our conversations, will turn him off to FWB relationships. I'm not sure how realistic that expectation is in this day & age, but that's my stance.

 

I value all of your opinions and they inspired me to consider things I hadn't thought about. Thanks to all for helping me work through this.

Edited June 24, 2014 by Quiet Storm

[Snowflower]

I feel so sorry for some of these girls and the whole FWB thing that seems so prevalent these days--especially among the younger crowd.

 

I don't know, my daughter is 19 and living on her own this summer after completing her first year of college. I still worry about her and try to have conversations with her about some of this sort of thing. I try to keep the lines of communication open. I know it is no longer none of my business technically but all those open lines of communication that my husband and I tried to establish throughout the years...well, I still try to use them.

 

QS, I think if you have that open communication with your son like you describe, you can continue to talk to him, even though he is an adult and it is his decision. You likely spent years building up that open dialogue...continue to use it!

[ASG]

The above posts from Snowflower & ASG illustrate my conflicted feelings on this. I'm still not sure what the best approach is, but luckily he understood our concerns about our younger ones and agreed to not do it in the house anymore.

 

The bigger issue for me is the whole FWB culture that is happening now, and how to deal with that. I have two more kids, so eventually I will have to address this with them, too.

 

I want him to decide for himself that having FWBs is not worth the hassle (risk of STD's, pregnancy, hurting the girl's feelings, etc). I want our warnings to make him think the next time he has an "opportunity", and him to take sex more seriously. I want him to realize that just because girls are offering FWB relationships, doesn't mean he has to take them up on that offer. I think he is starting to feel the negative consequences with girls that ended up wanting more, so I hope those experiences, along with our conversations, will turn him off to FWB relationships. I'm not sure how realistic that expectation is in this day & age, but that's my stance.

 

I value all of your opinions and they inspired me to consider things I hadn't thought about. Thanks to all for helping me work through this.

 

I hope you didn't interpret my posts as saying you should even be talking to him about it, though!

 

I think the conversations you're having with him are great! He should be aware of the risks of having sex and he should endeavour to be a good person and to take girls feelings into account, even if their relationship is just about sex.

 

As for the actual FWB relationships, as a girl who had a few of those as a teenager, it's not all bad. Sure, at such a young age sometimes the lines can get blurred, but I also had great fun and no hurt feelings with a few of my FWBs.

 

I am fairly liberal, because my mom was always fairly liberal as well. She told me to get on the pill at 14/15, because she thought I might start having sex soon and didn't want me coming home pregnant. No talk about "you're too young to be having sex", just the "if you decide to have sex, be safe, use condoms, take the pill".

[littleplanet]

I already posted that he has a job, pays his own car insurance & phone. I also like him home during the day to watch the younger two while my husband and I work. I don't know where you are getting the idea that he is lazy and has no responsibilities. He stays home with a 10 & 11 YO during the day, and works at a grocery store on evenings & weekends. He also has plenty of chores, like cutting the grass, trash, washing cars, etc. He is very responsible, received academic scholarships, trouble free. His teachers all have told me how bright & wonderful he is. Just because he's sexually active (like many 18 year olds), doesn't mean he is an irresponsible, lazy mooch. I wanted different opinions & I appreciate your input, but my mama bear defense is coming out because you are attributing these negative qualities to him that just aren't there.

 

 

You rock, mama bear

 

There is a wee bit of a kid-bashing culture going on these days.

I work where your son is headed: The big college in the sky (biggest one in my country)

- actually, North America's third largest academic library.

And sometimes I'm shocked at how student-UNfriendly some of our library staff can be.

I like to challenge the kids.....to act like the young adults I expect them to be (and of course, the freshmen are right on the cusp) but I like to apply a fair and somewhat forgiving hand, too.

I find that they appreciate that - and it tends to be far more productive all around....just better results.

 

Your son is a model citizen in my book (as was mine at that age.)

Conclusions can often be jumped to, without knowing all the details.

(and sometimes even when they're known!)

 

Of all the qualities that you've mentioned, the one off the top that impresses me the most is his willingness to pitch in and mind the younger sibs.

For a young man, child-nurturing is a profoundly valuable attribute to have - and should stand him well in the future.

(and not just to impress the young ladies, either)

 

By the way....just out of idle curiosity - what's his course of study going to be?

[Els]

I remember being that age as a young man.

 

I think one thing that is underestimated is that a young man can suffer psychological damage by talking about sexual matters with ones mother. Especially having to disclose personal matters. And YES these are personal matters for him now and basically its none of your business.

 

If he is doing it in her home then it IS her business. When he has his own place and is having sex there, then yes, he is not obliged to talk to her about it if he doesn't want to. Otherwise her house, her rules.

[Quiet Storm]

You rock, mama bear

 

There is a wee bit of a kid-bashing culture going on these days.

I work where your son is headed: The big college in the sky (biggest one in my country)

- actually, North Ameerics third largest academic library.

And sometimes I'm shocked at how student-UNfriendly some of our library staff can be.

I like to challenge the kids.....to act like the young adults I expect them to be (and of course, the freshmen are right on the cusp) but I like to apply a fair and somewhat forgiving hand, too.

I find that they appreciate that - and it tends to be far more productive all around....just better results.

 

Your son is a model citizen in my book (as was mine at that age.)

Conclusions can often be jumped to, without knowing all the details.

(and sometimes even when they're known!)

 

Of all the qualities that you've mentioned, the one off the top that impresses me the most is his willingness to pitch in and mind the younger sibs.

For a young man, child-nurturing is a profoundly valuable attribute to have - and should stand him well in the future.

(and not just to impress the young ladies, either)

 

By the way....just out of idle curiosity - what's his course of study going to be?

 

History major. I'm worried he'll have trouble finding a job, but he said he is cool with being a teacher if that's the case. He's really into world history, military history and politics. And hes an awesome debater. We arent far from DC so Im hoping that helps with the job search.