Perspective for the newly heartbroken - 4 months on

[Jiivy]

I've been a pretty obsessive user of LS over the past 4 months. When my fiancée left me, I didn't know how to handle things. I got to this place and started reading about NC - what it was and what it was meant for. I become completely captivated by stories of ex's who came running back to their partners - I stopped going to work and started getting threatening calls from my boss.

 

Within a month I discovered that she had been meeting someone else and had already started a relationship with them (at least officially) 3 weeks after our engagement ended. We were together for over 7 years.

 

I've come close to attempting suicide, I took to serially self-harming in order to cope with the emotional pain - I had a one night stand, started going out and took a bunch of recreational drugs, went on a number of blind dates, asked the cute girl in my office out on a date, and I've recently started therapy. All this to get away from my fiancée's memory in...just...4...months.

 

 

Why do I tell you all of this?

I'm telling you this because I know that a lot of your here on LS are freshly hurt, freshly damaged and absolutely devastated about it. I am, and was too. What I wanted to do was try to give you guys a little perspective by seeing all the crazy **** I've pulled since she left me. I'm here to tell you that you aren't alone. That I am here with you, still alive and kicking after these months...

 

And I'm here to tell you some of the hardest things you don't want to hear right now, but you need to:-

• You'll know if you did something to cause the end of this. If you screwed around or cheated and got caught then this on your shoulders... But for those of you that didn't - I tell you with all my love that it's NOT YOUR FAULT. People tell you about the red flags, tell you that it takes two to make relationships work, that 'sure you'll find someone else again'. I say ok, fine...but it doesn't help me now.
  
• We never see those red flags until after they've left. It sure as hell only takes one person to make a relationship not work. And yeah we might find someone else, but we catagorically won't find our ex again (unless we're one of those crazy few who fall on the reconciliation wagon).
  
• You will drive yourself bat**** insane trying to understand why they left. You will keep going until you're a burned out mess. Good. Keep going.
  
• What scared me most is that I didn't feel like I WANTED to move on, or feel any less for them because of how it ended - as if it were a betrayal of the person I once loved to feel angry or upset.
  
• I'm here to tell you that despite your best efforts. Every day, you will wake up and you will feel something different - maybe feel something I can only describe as 'less' - and despite all your trying over time, you will NEVER feel the same.
  
• I'm also here to tell you finally that purely because you are here and hurting - you're are a good soul for it. Whatever or whoever hurt you may be gone, but I am not. I love you purely because you are loving.
  

 

4 months on I still love her. Not a day goes by when I don't think about her, miss her and despite it all - wonder if she's ok. She was to become my wife later this year. If you've read my threads you'll know just how much I gave her. My family did not approve of our relationship and this left me out in the cold. I was homeless, I was disowned and abandoned...for that I gave her my all. Life continues to remind me just how hard I worked and how much I lost at the most pivotal point of our relationship.

 

A month after she left me, I got a call for a job I'd been working my ASS off for ever since I was thrown out and left to fend for myself 18 months ago. It was a huge promotion near enough to her hometown that we could live together again, permanently. Another month later I won a pair of 1st class flights and a romantic holiday for two in New York. Guess what? 2 months before - I had a fiancée to go with. I had a reason to take that job. Now I have nothing.

 

But you know what?

The greatest gift LS gave me was a sense of community, a sense of belonging when I felt more than ever in the world that I didn't belong. Listen to what advice is here - take up NC. My God it will save your life. Just follow through one day at a time, share your stories with me and know that if a mess like me has survived and can finally believe that I'll one day be over this...you will too.

 

-Jiivy

Edited June 17, 2014 by Jiivy

[triniechu]

That made me cry but made me feel better at the same time. Im still so hurt that my BF left me. I didnt see the red flags until he finally left and yet I still feel it was all my fault. I gave him everything and gave 110% of my heart EVEN when my parents and disapproved of our relationship.

 

But regardless of the pain im going through, I still love the guy so much. I do want him to be happy and i hope he finds what he is searching for. I thought I was the one....but I wasnt.

[Jiivy]

That made me cry but made me feel better at the same time. Im still so hurt that my BF left me. I didnt see the red flags until he finally left and yet I still feel it was all my fault. I gave him everything and gave 110% of my heart EVEN when my parents and disapproved of our relationship.

 

But regardless of the pain im going through, I still love the guy so much. I do want him to be happy and i hope he finds what he is searching for. I thought I was the one....but I wasnt.

 

You will, perhaps for some time. I'd be lying if I said that I didn't still love her too even though I should be angry, pissed off and upset. Honestly? I just want her to be ok.

 

I think it's ok to be angry and hurt. It doesn't lessen the feelings you had for that person or make what you loved about them any less special. It's a true acknowledgement that:

 

a) They've changed

b) They've hurt you

 

I know what it's like to have your family stand against you. It's ok - when the chips gets counted up, let me ask you this...who do you think gave in that relationship? Was it one sided? What did your BF ever really do (and I'm not talking sweet platitudes or gifts of flowers etc) to show you his commitment?

 

One thing I realised is that my fiancée was always happy to take what I gave and accept my sacrifices without ever truly, deeply giving back. I don't think you should give with the expectation that you'll receive...but perhaps, if you're lucky and you find someone again (and who's to say it's a different person? or him?) you'll be more careful when dishing out your heart.

 

You aren't alone since he left. You never were - myself and the other members of LS are right here with you. We're walking through life feeling just what you feel too...we love you.

[learning_slowly]

Jivvy, you will feel the same eventually. I don't know your age, but I remember my first long term relationship and how bad it felt after.

 

It was so bad that when I did the dumping later on, I found it terribly hard to do, knowing what I would put this person through.

 

But people have to do this for lots of reasons and usually it is probably for the best.

 

Back to the point, you will eventually meet somebody who will make your heart race again and you will forget your ex. I honestly would struggle to remember what mine looked like. You really will forget them and your new love will take over.

 

Or you could stop trying and become a hermit, but is that really a fulfilled life?

[Jatli]

Your story really touched me. I am almost 3 months post BU and I am still hurting very much. He left me for another woman (although he still wont' admit it, but I know). He was everything to me we were living together 4 years and he is now with someone over an hour away who he only sees a couple of days a week. He saw me last week and pulled over and started talking and calling me baby. We are still friendly to each other even though I am tearing apart inside I still smile and say I am ok.

 

I had a "date" on Saturday night but it ended badly because I as soon as I kissed him I started to cry. I felt like I was cheating on my ex. How messed up is that?! I know I am so not ready to date yet after that and I apologized to him. He told me he would wait and I told him not to get wrapped up in me right now because I am so emotionally unavailable it is not funny. I told him to go and find a mentally stable woman who can give him what he deserves because I cannot.

 

I know with time it will get better. I am still hoping that he will wake the F**k up and realize that he had a great thing with me and come back. Even when he left he was crying saying he didn't know if he was doing the right thing.

[newenglandkid]

Jivvy help me out here bud, I've been on LS looking for support and need your take on my situation.

 

Here's my backstory: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/478720-i-want-her-back

 

Since that post, we were LC for the past week or so, she went on a family vacation and would snapchat me some pictures and I would do the same. Felt like maybe she was slowly starting to like me again and possible want to come back. But I was rattling in my brain as to whether she was just toying with me or if she did really want to get back together. So Sunday night I asked her if she wanted to be with me or not, because these pictures and texts (again about her vacation) are confusing the hell out of me. Her response was "I love you and care about you and always will, but I can't be with you. Not right now at least." I said ok and told her maybe we shouldn't talk for a while so I can get my feelings sorted out. Next day comes, I find out through social media that she went out drinking at some tequila bar last night, so I gave her one text saying "I saw you went out last night drinking, is everything you told me last night true?" She apologized for being drunk, and didn't even answer my question before asking me if I met anybody. I said no have you? And she said YES SHES BEEN TALKING TO A GUY ALREADY! I was absolutely floored! She said it happened out of no where after the breakup. I was such at a loss all I said was I hope this new guy makes you happy, in turn she responded "it's not like were a couple or anything" and I just told her she didn't need to explain anything to me.

 

Right now I'm just feeling so...idk depressed I guess that all of this is happening. I want to keep telling myself that it's a potential rebound for her (but it's already been a month, is that enough time after a year and a half together?) is there anything you can advise or whatever that can help me process this and move forward. As messed up as it may seem I still want her back more then anything.

[newenglandkid]

Jeeesussss I was just going through old text messages with the ex (I know stupid). But not even a week after she broke up with me she asked if I met anyone and of course I said no have you. Instead of answering the question, she just said she's going to bed.

 

Am I crazy thinking that either

A) she was already talking to this guy before we broke up

B) this is a BIG TIME REBOUND

[newenglandkid]

And should I ask her this? I haven't talked to her in a few days, but should I ask her like were u talking to this guy when we were still together.

[JahnJahn]

And should I ask her this? I haven't talked to her in a few days, but should I ask her like were u talking to this guy when we were still together.

 

Just stay NC mate. Nothing she says to you will make it any better.

[newenglandkid]

Just stay NC mate. Nothing she says to you will make it any better.

 

 

Yeah I hear ya man...I guess I'll just stay with NC

[erklat]

Just stay NC mate. Nothing she says to you will make it any better.

 

He already broke it by over analyzing her messages.

[Jiivy]

He already broke it by over analyzing her messages.

 

I thought I could handle my one night stand. I figured, **** if she could leave me after 7 years THAT fast, I could too - I was so utterly and completely wrong.

 

I woke up the next morning feeling as if I'd just cheated on my fiancée...which is madness. She'd been in a relationship with someone new just weeks after she left me (if not before!).

 

I got home and broke down, after 3 months of silence what I had just done screwed with my head and I broke NC.

 

Let me tell you man, it was the stupidest thing. I asked her if she had anything left in her heart for me that would allow her to just talk to me, even as my friend. You know what I got? Stone cold silence. As if the past 7 years meant nothing to her.

 

I'm sharing my crazy experiences with you in the hope that you can see, from hard evidence, what comes from this. If she's left you in the dirt, then NC is your healing ointment my friend. The best way I can describe it is like going cold turkey....and maybe some day, you know what? She walks back in your life...Maybe. It's a dangerous poison this false hope business.

 

What I'm saying here is that if that day ever comes and you're still a ruined mess from the way she left you. There's never a chance for a future.

[PhillyConnection23]

I thought I could handle my one night stand. I figured, **** if she could leave me after 7 years THAT fast, I could too - I was so utterly and completely wrong.

 

I woke up the next morning feeling as if I'd just cheated on my fiancée...which is madness. She'd been in a relationship with someone new just weeks after she left me (if not before!).

 

I got home and broke down, after 3 months of silence what I had just done screwed with my head and I broke NC.

 

Let me tell you man, it was the stupidest thing. I asked her if she had anything left in her heart for me that would allow her to just talk to me, even as my friend. You know what I got? Stone cold silence. As if the past 7 years meant nothing to her.

 

I'm sharing my crazy experiences with you in the hope that you can see, from hard evidence, what comes from this. If she's left you in the dirt, then NC is your healing ointment my friend. The best way I can describe it is like going cold turkey....and maybe some day, you know what? She walks back in your life...Maybe. It's a dangerous poison this false hope business.

 

What I'm saying here is that if that day ever comes and you're still a ruined mess from the way she left you. There's never a chance for a future.

 

I'm pretty much at the 3 month point and I think I'm progressing fairly well. I haven't reached out to her in a while but I have been with two other people since then. One is shaping up to be more of a rebound/fwb relationship and the other was a one night stand...it felt awful. I felt like I cheated and just generally terrible.

 

But from other comments, I also don't harbor any ill-will towards her. I'm lucky in that I'm almost 100% positive (you can never be 100%) that there isn't another guy in the picture. But with that being said, it still makes things terrible knowing that she broke up with me because she thought I wasn't capable of changing....when I know I am (and have).

[Jiivy]

I'm pretty much at the 3 month point and I think I'm progressing fairly well. I haven't reached out to her in a while but I have been with two other people since then. One is shaping up to be more of a rebound/fwb relationship and the other was a one night stand...it felt awful. I felt like I cheated and just generally terrible.

 

But from other comments, I also don't harbor any ill-will towards her. I'm lucky in that I'm almost 100% positive (you can never be 100%) that there isn't another guy in the picture. But with that being said, it still makes things terrible knowing that she broke up with me because she thought I wasn't capable of changing....when I know I am (and have).

 

It took me a good few months to even feel like it was ok to be angry...and for the record, it is! Being upset about the way you were treated and being vindictive are two different things. I struggled to appreciate the differences at first.

 

Remember this - Your value doesn't decrease based on someone's inability to see your worth.

 

It's funny, I still feel guilty too - I guess in time these things will pass.