Affect my affair had/has on my family....vent

[lovinDKT3]

Wow, best post I've read in a while. It's amazing that you have truly accepted the damage that was done. Unfortunately, with children you only get one chance to raise them, but it sounds like you are doing a great job trying to mitigate some of the fallout. I encourage you to stay in therapy and if you haven't already, find a counselor for your children.

 

This forum doesn't like to admit it, but children learn what is and is not acceptable in relationships from their parents. By admitting your mistakes, you've set a great example. Sadly, some children do harbor resentment later in life, but who wouldn't? Lol, who wants a weekend dad? Personally, I don't know if I could ever get over someone hurting one of my parents, but I'm also older. I'd like to think you have enough time to make up for it given the age of your children.

 

Lying not only sets the wrong example, it messes with the whole foundation of your identity when you are betrayed by a parent. Trust me, there is NO infidelity that can compare to the betrayal of a parent (unless maybe it was your parent who slept with your SO).

 

My kids building resentment towards me for what I've done is a big fear for me. I see no signs of it now, but who is to say what they feel down the road at 20 or 30.

 

Doing the best moving forward doesn't take away the pain that has already happened. The damage is done.

[tuff_love]

I would gather, reading your posts, that you are a very good mother. And your (ex) husband is a very good father.

 

Your children simply need your and their dad's continual support. There likely will be some confusion/anxiety now, as most any child would hope for the family to be whole again. Whether or not that happens, continuing to provide love and support for your children is the main thing - and the thing that is obviously a priority for you and your husband.

 

They won't resent you. They may have some hard feelings about what happened. But that's not the same thing. They will always love and cherish you as their mother.

 

Wishing you and your family the best.

 

Are you stating this from experience? In my experience as the child in this scenario, once I was independent she was effectively in the rear view mirror having betrayed me and my sibs. Okie doking them will make it worse IMO. This will need to be thoroughly explained and resolved at some point if O.P. wants a meaningful relationship with her kid (s) once they are adults.

[gettingstronger]

Lovin, you remind me so much of my husband. He could hardly get out of bed Monday after Father's Day he was so wrecked with guilt over what he's done to our kids. I'm like DK in that I love him so much I wish I could alleviate his pain. Although deep in my heart, just like you, I know the damage is done. All I can say that since we can't undo it, all we can do is try to minimize the damage. That starts with not forgiving yourself because I know you can't, but with accepting it and moving forward.

 

I'm a huge fan of redemption in the human sense. You are well on your way to redemption and for that you should be immensely proud. Hang in there and remember, you can't undo it but you can still be a remarkable positive influence on your children. I'm not perfect but I know I'm a good mother and a positive influence on my kids. You are too, sometimes you have to accept that's enough. Take care!

[waterwoman]

Idony - comes from the name of Nordic goddess of youth (sort of). I wanted it for DD but H say NO!

[lovinDKT3]

I started this thread over an year ago, I was truly fearful that I had damaged DS's view of relationships.

 

Well Friday night after his football game (he played great BTW according to DKT) as the parents waited for them to let us on the field a really cute cheerleader jumped into his arms and he looked at her the same way his dad looked at me when we were in that same situation all those years ago. My first thought was OMG not this already, then I thought not so long ago I feared he wouldn't get to this place.

 

Ok, don't judge me. In my role of helicopter mom, the next day I was going thru his phone (I have been trying to cut back) and the ILU's were flowing in their communications. He really likes her that much is clear. At 15 he isn't ready for that level of relationship, yet I feel great in knowing that my mistakes and poor decisions don't seem to have the lasting impact that I once feared.

[Marc878]

Isabella !!!!!!!! perfect name.

 

Its hard to do but put the past where it belongs now. In the past.

 

You're both older and wiser. You can't change where you've been/done.

 

You both know what you have to do. I've been married longer so i can tell you both don't waste time. Enjoy the future. Its easy to see you are both on the verge of great times together.

 

Its time to move on so focus on that and only that.

[MuddyFootprints]

Okay, now get the hose out!

 

Kids...UGH!

[lovinDKT3]

Isabella !!!!!!!! perfect name.

 

Its hard to do but put the past where it belongs now. In the past.

 

You're both older and wiser. You can't change where you've been/done.

 

You both know what you have to do. I've been married longer so i can tell you both don't waste time. Enjoy the future. Its easy to see you are both on the verge of great times together.

 

Its time to move on so focus on that and only that.

 

I think he would have to be a fighter if we named him Isabella. He was born in January and we named him August James.

 

Muddy, it may take a fire hose.

[underpants]

Why would you name a kid after a month they were not born?

 

Hilarious...

[Tullyseptember]

Lovin I missed this post initially last year and just read through to your update of now. I had no doubts as I was reading that your son would move through the adolescent angst of 13 to the stage he is now. With all the hard work you do to own your actions and live a healthy lifestyle those choices and actions are seen as good lessons to your children ?

[TX-SC]

Great, another happy ending! Don't let your guard down here. He may eventually develop some issues relating to marriage, but he will have to deal with those as an adult when and if they arise.

 

My parents divorced when I was 10. It actually had a positive effect on me. My father was abusive and an alcoholic It effected me in a positive way. I promised myself to never take anger out on my future wife, and I only sip a beer now and then. I haven't been drunk since college. We are on year 20 of marriage and doing well.

 

You both sound like good parents. I think your son will be just fine.

[TrustedthenBusted]

My boys are 11 and 13 and I know I have been a bad influence on them in terms of the things i've said about marriage over the last few years.

 

Some of it I hear repeated verbatim. Hurts that I've done that.

 

But they will likely do what young men have been doing from the dawn of time.

 

Meet a girl, get sprung, and forget everything their dads have ever told them.

[lovinDKT3]

Why would you name a kid after a month they were not born?

 

Hilarious...

 

Sorry we didn't consult you before naming our child.

 

Truth is we flipped a coin between naming him after our fathers. Morgan (DKT's dad) and Augusto mine. Had nothing to do with the month.

[Mr Mind of Shazam]

 

Me "you don't have any thoughts about marriage"

 

Ds "I guess, I'm never getting married"

 

Me "oh, you will find a girl and fall in love someday"

 

Ds "no, I never going to fall in love"

 

Me "why would you think that?"

 

Ds "because I don't want to get divorced or get cheated on"

 

You're literally your childrens' role model in so many ways. This was your son's takeaway from living through this episode (in the limited way he has).

 

Frankly, I'd say "smart kid." He did learn a good lesson, though it's probably overstated.

[underpants]

So later that night I had that conversation with him. First question was what do you think of marriage? He shrugged (something that his dad hates for him to do). I told him to answer with words.

 

Ds "I don't know"

 

Me "you don't have any thoughts about marriage"

 

Ds "I guess, I'm never getting married"

 

Me "oh, you will find a girl and fall in love someday"

 

Ds "no, I never going to fall in love"

 

Me "why would you think that?"

 

Ds "because I don't want to get divorced or get cheated on"

 

I have to get him to a therapist. I'm so broken over this.

 

Makes sense to me (and surprise it is not all about you.) Sounds like a smart kid to me. He will be okay.

[autumnnight]

You're literally your childrens' role model in so many ways. This was your son's takeaway from living through this episode (in the limited way he has).

 

Frankly, I'd say "smart kid." He did learn a good lesson, though it's probably overstated.

 

I wonder sometimes if emotional intelligence is also modeled for children.....

[understand50]

I am a child of divorce, and the wife and I are pushing 40 plus years. Look, your kids will be their own person.

 

Just keep on telling them, that they can be better.

 

I wish you luck.

[lovinDKT3]

I wonder sometimes if emotional intelligence is also modeled for children.....

 

I have admittedly been poor in this area for years when it came to how I dealt with their father.

[MuddyFootprints]

Not one of us is a perfect parent. I, for one, find that exposing our imperfections has strengthened us as a family and our children as individuals.

 

Sure, there is backlash and dysfunction at times. But, for the most part, we have come to a place of acceptance of all of our faults. There is a lot of love in this family, despite our history.

 

Every day we are capable of creating a new history. All of us.

[autumnnight]

I have admittedly been poor in this area for years when it came to how I dealt with their father.

 

I didn't mean that at all. I meant the little digs about how your son's attitude toward marriage is right on given your past behavior - rude and not at all helpful.

 

You've paid your dues and your husband agrees. Time for others to give it a rest.

[DKT3]

I didn't mean that at all. I meant the little digs about how your son's attitude toward marriage is right on given your past behavior - rude and not at all helpful.

 

You've paid your dues and your husband agrees. Time for others to give it a rest.

 

Yes she has, its on me NOW to carry us across the finish line. She has done all she can to get us to this point. I am truly proud of her.

[autumnnight]

Yes she has, its on me NOW to carry us across the finish line. She has done all she can to get us to this point. I am truly proud of her.

 

THIS is what a recovered BH sounds like.

[warshaw]

When kids are young they love and respect their parents, generally speaking. They want to be like them and they don't want to do things that their parents did that turned out to be mistakes.

 

All that changes once they enter their teenage years and they think they know it all and their parents are losers that never figured out life.

 

If your son meets a girl and falls in love he'll want to marry her regardless of what happened with his parents and regardless of what he says now about never getting married.

 

Don't worry about it.

[jnel921]

This is a tough topic. When my H cheated we decided not to involve the kids. They knew that there was a potential split but we never confirmed with them an A. Kids really don't understand and honestly what should we expect them to say, do or feel that will not affect their relationship with the WS? i felt that as long as we showed them that we could get along it would be ok.

 

I think in the heat of anger we all want to scream the business from the top of the roof and tell anyone and everyone we know about what is going on. I don't think kids should be involved with that. If D is inevitable like my first M then all I needed to tell them at that time was that their Dad lived somewhere else and he'd still see them. Which he did. Over time they saw us both in different relationships and marry other people.

 

When my kids got older I eventually told them why I split with their dad. Unfortunately they had to deal with their dad cheating on his current wife over and over again. They have a tumultuous relationship. She had him arrested, fired, they even got D and remarried this year. So I am not sure how they feel about M and relationships after witnessing all of that mess. I tried to protect this from witnessing all of this but their dad is a sloppy cheat and always has been.

 

When my current H cheated and was remorseful it was a different situation I found myself in. I had to be willing to stay, forgive and work on building a new relationship. But I knew that if I did this and my kids are witnessing that they can be in a home with 2 loving parents perhaps their view on M will be different. It's been close to 3 years since DDay and so far we have really turned a corner in our relationship and M that I thought wasn't possible.

 

I am very clear with my kids about what 2 people should do and not do in relationships. My kids are older now. Our daughter is 18 and son is 19.It's important that they have healthy relationships.

 

Talking to your kids about this is a personal choice. Just know that when you expose certain things you can't take it back and understand the intention when you do it.

 

I think that continuing to show your kids that you love and respect each other is the best thing you can do. Good luck to you.

[lovinDKT3]

Jnel, we never made the decision to tell him. He, over time put the puzzle together and started to ask questions. DKT would re direct the conversation. After some time he just knew, at that point we talked to him about it. DD was too young to understand, but I know at some point she too will know. That I fear because she is so close to her dad, they have an amazing relationship.