anemptycup Posted June 9, 2014 Posted June 9, 2014 It's been 5 months - and I just wanted to report my status to everyone else on here, especially those who are freshly broken up. I remember reading people say "it will get easier" "you will heal again" "you will be happy again" etc etc. this was my first long term relationship (3 years) - my first love... etc... it wrecked me so much so, that i will never be the same person i was before... but, today, i see it all as a blessing - what i have learned this last 5 months has been worth it all. Above all i realize that I was always depressed, even during the relationship... and this break-up has been a wake-up call for me to wake up and do better at living, loving... and understanding that EVERYTHING - all our unhappiness all our strength... everything comes down to Self love... The break-up is basically an incredible opportunity to re-program your brain and make yourself better than ever... *I watch these videos whenever i feel like **** *I train jiu jitsu 4 times a week *i go out into nature every other day (either to the beach or hiking somewhere with trees) *i have continued eating healthy *i have been seeing a great therapist online who focuses on re-programming your mind with positive thinking *i keep a daily journal and am constantly aware of my thoughts from when i wake up until i go to bed - i document at least 5 negative thoughts everyday (for example "she is happier without me" or "I feel life is pointless") and then i counter balance each negative thought with 3 positive ones ("All i need to be happy is within me" "I do not need her attention or love to complete me" "My heart is full of love and passion and that energy will strengthen me more and more each day") - every night before bed i write 3 things I am grateful for before going to bed. BASICALLY - it's all about turning your mind into a positive place by cutting down on the negative thinking that will continue to bring you down... and by increasing positive self talk.... "I am strong, I am safe, I am full of passion and love" "I am unique and a special part of this world with a unique voice and way of life - like a jigsaw piece that makes is important to completing the whole" NC has been VERY important - every time i've been weak and have looked up her friends or her instagram or FB, it has given me nothing but painful fuel for negative thoughts that wind up hurting me because i wind up creating stories that could be totally false about how happy she is.... the fact is, they are probably hurting just as much as we are... dumpee or dumper... Having said that - i also want to say that i am glad i broke NC with her for her birthday - but please pay attention to WHY.... when we first broke up - i humiliated myself by begging and crying and opening myself up all the way - she was cold, even laughed a little and told me "it was too late buddy" and that "she would rather be alone than with me" this was because she was seeing someone else and felt complete and strong... 3 months after that, i emailed to wish her happy birthday, to find that she was broken down, sad, lonely, and missing me a lot - i kept the conversation very short... and ended it quickly - and i could tell she wanted to keep talking - so, ending it on terms where i was stronger was a huge 180 degree turn to having been rejected after begging... i think it's VERY important that you end things being STRONG... which is why NC helps a lot - even after begging - 3 months of NC gave me my power back... a few weeks later she messaged me, and we talked - and i regret that conversation - because, while she said things like "you don't still want to be with me do you" and "i'm so blessed to have met you" - i know that it was all just her being selfish to energize herself by getting my kindness... know that, that's what they want - they want our energy and kindness... You have to make yourself the most important person in your life - know that, by thinking of them - you are making them more important than you in your mind - and you will continue to crave them and build them up... You need to start doing the same thing but TO YOURSELF.... build yourself up.. think of how much more awesome YOU are than your ex... and slowly you will start to make yourself more desireable to yourself, than your EX.... today, i find myself much more attractive than her... I am not craving her like i was... i feel sorry for her... i still miss her deep inside... but i know in time that will completely go away once i fully get on with my life... and start meeting others.... but know that it all comes down to THOUGHTS. the way out of this is to change your thoughts - it's not easy... but you have to do it everyday... little by little.... realize that every moment you think of your ex - you are giving them Power..... in fact - i believe there's **** that science hasn't proved yet - that they can actually FEEL our thoughts and it gives them energy - as soon as i let go of her in my mind and started moving on - She emailed me.... how can that be co-incidence when i hear that being said so many times online by others... i think when we decide to let go and move on - they can sense it - they are no longer recieving our attention.. and our energy... that they have been using to have fun and keep them going.... screw that! Put your ATTENTION on yourself they don't deserve you to be a slave and an energizer battery for them.... Good luck! and know that you will get better - as long as you can bring your attention off them.. and on to how awesome you are... step by step! Salavation lies within! much love. 5
ProcessingThisBU Posted June 9, 2014 Posted June 9, 2014 Thanks, your post is very inspiring. And you're right all reduces to thoughts. From this moment on, every time I caught myself thinking of her, I will change the focus to me. Nice advice. The point with the stories you make, happens to me a lot. I make stories when I found out about something related to her, I imagin that she's happy and living a much more enriched life than me, that I meant nothing to her, that she is incredible happy with her new partner, etc etc. I have to pay attention to that 'cause it serves no purpose. And sometimes it is not the reality too. 1
Author anemptycup Posted June 9, 2014 Author Posted June 9, 2014 (edited) we give power to the things we put our attention on... so, if we keep thinking of them... we make them more and more powerful in our minds and we make ourselves inferior - and we therefore crave them more - people do it with money, with fame with all sorts of things - we have to direct our attention to our own greatness as much as we can everyday - by accepting we are not perfect but also embracing ourselves fully and being grateful of all the things we know deep in our hearts make us awesome and unique - think about it - people call it self love - whatever... it's all about powering up yourself - and making yourself happy and confident internally without NEEDING someone or something else to to do it for you - those things won't last anyway and you'll have that hole again when they are gone - that is an addiction. If you live more from teh heart instead of in your thoughts - that's teh best - but very difficult to do especially during the break-up - so, since you are going to be thining of things - just try to be aware of teh negative thoughts - and make sure you have MORE positive self talk. And You will slowly power yourself up - It also helps putting yourself in power positions with your body language - open your chest up.. walk with your head up high - it feels weird at first - but helps a TON - there's a great Ted Talks about how it can effect your brain if you do it regularly - at home i walk around with my chest out - head up.. open my arms out - put myself in powerful poses - so that i can help myself get stronger... body affects teh mind and vice versa Remember that suffering is an incredible opportunity to build yourself back up stronger than before... you just have to LET go of your need for your ex - realize that's an addiction and not true love... true love is when you are happy and whole in yourself... without needed anyone else to do that for you. Not caring what other people think is the greatest form of self love. Good luck and much love! Edited June 9, 2014 by anemptycup 3
ProcessingThisBU Posted June 10, 2014 Posted June 10, 2014 Hey! maybe you can give your toughts on my thread... I would really appreciate it! http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/480612-my-story-bu-rebound-missing-her 1
jbelle6 Posted June 11, 2014 Posted June 11, 2014 Inspiring post! Gives me some good ideas. I'm at week 5 and doing pretty good. Better than I thought. I have upped my exercise and have been eating very clean. Made a few other positive changes. I still feel though, that I have been merely coping with the breakup and not really changing some issues I have inside, my changes have been very superficial so far. I need to change that, or rather look at HOW to change those things as I'm not sure. But, it was a start, I'm ready to tackle the big stuff now. Thanks for the post. 1
Author anemptycup Posted June 11, 2014 Author Posted June 11, 2014 Inspiring post! Gives me some good ideas. I'm at week 5 and doing pretty good. Better than I thought. I have upped my exercise and have been eating very clean. Made a few other positive changes. I still feel though, that I have been merely coping with the breakup and not really changing some issues I have inside, my changes have been very superficial so far. I need to change that, or rather look at HOW to change those things as I'm not sure. But, it was a start, I'm ready to tackle the big stuff now. Thanks for the post. no one can change in weeks - it takes time and focused attention - teh important thing is now you are becoming aware of what you need to do... and that is time well spent - it has taken me 3 months of solid reading, research and "soul searching" to identify my issues.... it's liek an onion - you think your issue is one thing.. but then looking deeper - you realize the root cause goes even deeper - for me, i have realized that i have spent too much of my life caring what others' think.. i spend too much of my time in my thoughts and not in my body - basically - being in your mind is being in teh world of thoughts - thoughts of the future cause anxiety - thought of the past cause depression - but the good news i have realized is... just like when you don't exercise for a while... you quickly get out of shape - it's the same with thoughts - the less you do it - the more you'll move into "being" and enjoying living form your heart - and not a slave to your mind... sports, activities involving moving your body - walking, nature, dancing... etc all help you come into your "heart space" and body - and out of the world of thoughts - BUT - it's good practice to try to do that without having to move your body either - make it a daily practice to become more aware of your thoughts - try not to think about your ex - because you will energize them in your mind - and make them powerful... focus on your heart... your amazing energy - you know when you are playing with a pet dog or cat... how you can let go and open your heart - well, that's proof of the amazing love and energy we all have within us... visualize that love and energy as much as you can - and keep writing ina journal - how grateful you are for how amazing you are.... do it every day - and you will build up your self love - and i tell you - you will start to feel a glow inside of you in time... remember - everytime you think of your Ex - it's not true love - it's a NEED - it's a craving... coming from a hole within yourself.. that is thirsty to be filled... Fill it with YOUR attention to yourself. much love. Good luck everyone!
Author anemptycup Posted June 15, 2014 Author Posted June 15, 2014 i was just about to crash and this came in.... thought i'd share... thoughts, feedback, advise would be great - seems to me like breadcrumbs... she's just having problems letting go and moving on.. and i've already been hurt after opening up to her.. begging etc... and i'm moving on - i don't want to go back to square one... nor do i want to stop her from progressing - i can't help feel a little upset she wants to reconnect now.. after 5 months... after she's slept with other guys, been on god knows how many dates... she's probably lonely - has no one around.. and that's why she thinks of me... i just dunno... of course i love her.. but, i just don't think she's conscious of herself... i think her instinct and subconscious for survival is leading the way. here's the email: I don't even know where to start off...but I've been wanting to reconnect with you pretty much all the time since we stopped talking and would always stop myself. I keep replaying do I really need to do this all myself? And like we talked about...this is a forever ongoing process of self-love and improvement. But if I let my own self critic (that is so harsh on myself who is never satisfied) then when will be the point that I can contact you and say I am transformed? It will always tell me never. You know? I hate that...I know that's not true. I know we need to be in the present and love ourselves now...in the present with all the flaws. Accepting...understanding. ...loving...forgiving...gentle....so shouldn't that also be the same with us? Shouldnt we love each other in the present, if we truly are on the same path? Think about it... I think so...and I was wrong before and you were right. I know I shouldnt use you as a crutch and I dont want to, but I shouldn't have to push you.away because I would have to push u away for a long time...maybe even practically forever. I don't want that. I don't....especially if we truly are on the same path. I miss you...and I want to open the doors to the possibility of seeing if we are truly on the same path. Hang out and see if it is right. No finger pointing or score cards...just us...helping each other being in the present and being mindful.of our self-love during our time on this planet. I dont know...it just feels right to do for me Please express what you feel is right for you and on your heart. any guidance would be greatly appreciated. thanks! p.s to those of you out there suffering - just know that i have never gone through so much pain in my life as this break-up... and after she closed the door on me after i begged and cried and poured my heart out... i never thought i'd ever hear from her again... NC has helped me to move on - it has helped me in so many ways - this last 5 months have been the darkest of my life... but, the darkness has also shown me light... and i want you all to know that... NC is the way to heal and move on... and it just so happens that when you do move on... you get emails like this... funny universe.
Mr.Pine Posted June 15, 2014 Posted June 15, 2014 ...any guidance would be greatly appreciated. I counted many, many "I's" in her email. It's all about her. Not much about you. She's done some nefarious things since you two have broken up. Can you deal with that? Can you handle it? You know you will be bringing it up. I'd take the 5 months NC and make it 5 more. Then 5 more additional NC months until I couldn't care less to count anymore. It's a done deal. Move on. 1
ConfusedHumanBeing Posted June 15, 2014 Posted June 15, 2014 i was just about to crash and this came in.... thought i'd share... thoughts, feedback, advise would be great - seems to me like breadcrumbs... she's just having problems letting go and moving on.. and i've already been hurt after opening up to her.. begging etc... and i'm moving on - i don't want to go back to square one... nor do i want to stop her from progressing - i can't help feel a little upset she wants to reconnect now.. after 5 months... after she's slept with other guys, been on god knows how many dates... she's probably lonely - has no one around.. and that's why she thinks of me... i just dunno... of course i love her.. but, i just don't think she's conscious of herself... i think her instinct and subconscious for survival is leading the way. here's the email: I don't even know where to start off...but I've been wanting to reconnect with you pretty much all the time since we stopped talking and would always stop myself. I keep replaying do I really need to do this all myself? And like we talked about...this is a forever ongoing process of self-love and improvement. But if I let my own self critic (that is so harsh on myself who is never satisfied) then when will be the point that I can contact you and say I am transformed? It will always tell me never. You know? I hate that...I know that's not true. I know we need to be in the present and love ourselves now...in the present with all the flaws. Accepting...understanding. ...loving...forgiving...gentle....so shouldn't that also be the same with us? Shouldnt we love each other in the present, if we truly are on the same path? Think about it... I think so...and I was wrong before and you were right. I know I shouldnt use you as a crutch and I dont want to, but I shouldn't have to push you.away because I would have to push u away for a long time...maybe even practically forever. I don't want that. I don't....especially if we truly are on the same path. I miss you...and I want to open the doors to the possibility of seeing if we are truly on the same path. Hang out and see if it is right. No finger pointing or score cards...just us...helping each other being in the present and being mindful.of our self-love during our time on this planet. I dont know...it just feels right to do for me Please express what you feel is right for you and on your heart. any guidance would be greatly appreciated. thanks! p.s to those of you out there suffering - just know that i have never gone through so much pain in my life as this break-up... and after she closed the door on me after i begged and cried and poured my heart out... i never thought i'd ever hear from her again... NC has helped me to move on - it has helped me in so many ways - this last 5 months have been the darkest of my life... but, the darkness has also shown me light... and i want you all to know that... NC is the way to heal and move on... and it just so happens that when you do move on... you get emails like this... funny universe. Who in the f*** does this chick thing she is? This is way too out there for me. This "One love on this planet" crap is just silly. She feels bad. She doesnt want you to hate her, and now she is curious as to what you are up to. With not speaking to her, you have created this intrigue in her. She built this life up that you are living and she thinks you are out there enjoying life while she is miserable. I like how she never says "I want you back" or anything of the sort. This "hanging out and seeing if this is right" means "I think you are doing better than me, so I want it to go back to the way it was to make sure it's not." This e-mails screams me, me, me. Congrats man. You found the peace that many strive for when doing no contact. You healed, you grew, you found out a lot about yourself and are doing great. Turns out, things arent as good as she thinks. I would suggest you NOT respond and keep moving forward. This e-mail is funny and doesnt really suggest anything. She can keep that "lets love ourselves in this life" crap while you continue to go out and be awesome. 2
Author anemptycup Posted June 15, 2014 Author Posted June 15, 2014 Thanks for the feedback man - i truly appreciate it. Don't get me wrong - i'm healing, but... by no means healed , but HECK YEAH i have learned so much - as i'm sure you know... but... yeah, just don't want to go back to square one again... and have to be careful... It's this part that gets me "I miss you...and I want to open the doors to the possibility of seeing if we are truly on the same path. Hang out and see if it is right." but, you're right - this email is all about her... and you're right about NC - it really is the a MUST for healing and moving on... thnx for your support and feedback friend
biddybud Posted June 15, 2014 Posted June 15, 2014 Wow..... That's a pretty intense email. I've had to read it a few times! I agree with an empty cup. This is email is about her wants and needs, through all the pre amble there was no, explicit "I'm sorry, this is mistake, I want to put this to bed and I want to try again", it's just a vague promise of what could, kinda..... Perhaps..... Maybe..... Happen- if we don't bring up the past. No.... You're worth more than that. This must be a very difficult email not to respond to for you as it must push a few buttons. That call is yours and yours alone, but remember to put yourself first. You must be proud of what you've achieved in 5 months. I truly hope to be in that place in the next 4 months. Good luck with it.... Think of yourself now. 1
lolablue17 Posted June 15, 2014 Posted June 15, 2014 Don't reply! You got yourself your little winning here (not that you wanted it or something). She wants you back, of course. let her be miserable with herself alone. 1
Lifegoezon Posted June 15, 2014 Posted June 15, 2014 That's a hard read if you're still struggling with feelings for her and it would be easy to find enough to suggest ( but only suggest - not explicitly say) there's hope of reconciliation. It certainly is all about her and her needs and feelings. Vague as hell, full of maybes and possibilities, teasing. Sounds like a fall back to me - got a gap in her love life and certain you'll be there to fill it. All that nonsense about seeing if you're on the same path etc. You're not. She dumped you and moved on fast. You're still way behind. Choose a different path at the fork and avoid hers. 1
guest572 Posted June 15, 2014 Posted June 15, 2014 That is just cruel, insensitive and selfish. I think you need to pretend you never read that and continue on your healing. 1
Survivor12 Posted June 15, 2014 Posted June 15, 2014 Yep, I agree with the others. That email is all about what SHE wants. Apparently, she is feeling unloved and lonely and is wanting you to provide solace and an ego boost. Nowhere did she even hint at having feelings for you. It's all about wanting you to love and accept her--flaws and all. Let it go and stick with moving on. Don't waste a moment thinking that responding will result in anything good for you. As you said yourself, it's not been easy, but you have made it far enough to see the light at the end of the tunnel so why turn back now? Stay strong. 1
Author anemptycup Posted June 16, 2014 Author Posted June 16, 2014 (edited) I really appreciate all the guidance and feedback -of course, i feel 20% more energized today after getting that email from her... and it's like i had my first day off in 5 months of suffering! and i felt somewhat happy again... it's still surreal to me seeing her email in my inbox... but i also know that i need to feel that happiness i felt today, without her being the reason for it. the good news is... it was just 20% more energized that made me feel whole and happy and not 50% or 80% like i was at the start of all this - which is a good indicator of the progress i have made the last 5 months - and i know just how much more work i still need ahead isn't as bad as i thought - i know that ignoring the email and getting back on the road to recovery means... going back into the darkness and emptiness again... but, as some of you have said - now i see the light at the end of the tunnel.. and i just need to stay true to this path - her email seems to be mostly out of Lack and Need - not out of true love and abundance... it's more out of fear of being alone than out of love - and as you guys have said... it's more about what she needs... i do care for her and hope that she'll be able to heal up properly without having to depend on other things to make her feel whole... i don't want her to be alone and in pain... that's teh road i think we all are on.. and rather than running away - she needs to have the guts to face it too... thanks again to all of you - i'll keep you posted with my journey. Much love and good luck to all of you on your continuing journey - again i'd like to stress the absolute importance of NC, NC, NC - no facebook stalking - no news... it's KEY..... basically our goal is to wind down thinking of them.. and think more about ourselves... so, any contact will just prolong it all and energize them with our thoughts and attention on them. The moment we start to take our attention off them - it's funny how they can feel it. Edited June 16, 2014 by anemptycup
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