ProcessingThisBU Posted June 9, 2014 Posted June 9, 2014 Hi everyone! I think it's time to share my story here. I have read many of your stories, and I can identify with many of them. I can feel your pain, your impatience, your anger, your need to search for answers, your hope, etc, 'cause I'm in the same boat. English is not my primary tongue so please be kind if sometimes I express myself not too clearly. My intention writing is sharing with you, help me cope, and of course help some of you with any idea. Ok to the point. I was in a 2 year relationship that ended February this year. She broke up with me. Her reasons were "I don´t feel the sparks anymore"... we rarely fought during the relationship, but I have to accept that the last month I was noticing she was distant. I have to say that for me it was an intense relationship because the things that went by during this time. I knew her in my job, we worked for the same company, but in different areas. (I know, i know) Pretty much we did not have interaction because of the job but we see each other in the same office. She was coming out of a LTR when I started to date her. Knowing that, I proceed with caution and dated her like 3-4 months before telling that I wanted to be in an exclusive relationship. Even I asked her if she felt ready to do this. She said yes, that's what I want. On the first months, everything went ok, we really get along really well, no fighting, having fun, enjoying each other. Although there were some red flags (some interaction from her with the ex, 'cause of pets and some like that) she told me to trust her and everything went fine. During this months she found out that her mom had cancer in a very advanced stage. I helped to cope with it, and provided the support she needed 'cause she was not doing ok. When things got tough with her mom and her illness, she asked me for space which I gave it. She told me she needed to focus on her mom and she didn't want any kind of pressure with the relationship. (although this pressure never existed 'cause I was there for her at the moment she needed, and if she needed space I accepted it without trouble). Finally her mom passed away on December 2012. I was with her and her family at all times. During that time, her dad was also looking for doctors 'cause he had a heart disease that needed to attend. He went through surgery, and he was ok, although the recuperation time was longer, but same case as above I was with her at all times that I could at the hospital, even donate blood for her dad. Two months later, her dad suddenly started to feel sick, and ended in Hospital. It was a tough time too, 'cause he passed away within a week of starting feeling sick. (Complications from previous surgery) This was on January 2013. So, in a space of two months she lost her parents. It was really a tough time for her and her family. I was with her when she needed but, she was like in another planet due all this. Anyway, slowly with time she began to be closer with me, and we started to retake the relationship. We traveled, and things started to went ok. In August I received an offer to study overseas. I told her to come with me and live with me there. She said ok! and was thrilled by the idea. She felt a little nervous to leave her family but was looking forward to this. Anyway, because of problems with the visa I ended up not going. She said, well ok, no problem we can continue here. Fast foward to December last year. She started to act distant, but she told me it was because it was anniversary of her parents passing away last year, so she felt pretty low and depressed. I understood and tried not to push her, 'cause I thought that passing that dates she will be ok again. But I was wrong. On February we had a discussion about me offering some help with looking for a new job, and she not wanting my help. We talked and she told me she didn´t felt the sparks anymore, and that she didn't wanted to forced her into this. So she broke up with me. She told me that maybe she will regret her decision in the future, but that was it. I told her that a relationship is between two people, if one of these people is not commited to work on the relationship, we better leave things and break up. Obviously she wanted the friends thing to what I said no. I started NC immediately, but since we worked in the same company, it was difficult 'cause we bump into each other frequently. So I would say it was LC more than NC. We said hi only, and she sent me two text messages the next week with irrelevant things and that was it. I started to cope with the breakup, but on April (one month and half later), I found out she was with someone else. Not only dating, she travelled with him on holidays, and they were in a relationship already. She posted the photo with him on whatsapp of her travel. (knowing that I will see it). I was crushed, devastated. I never feel more betrayed in my whole life. I really started to fall apart. Anyway I stood with the LC, and only on one ocassion I sent her an email, telling her that I was not ok, that if I had a little contact with her it was because of me, because I needed to heal, and that I was aware that she had moved on. She started to rub her new relationship to me with coworkers, etc. I remained in the shadows. (I don't understand why she did this, 'cause I was out of the picture... maybe anger 'cause I didn't accept her "friends" thing?) Anyway she left the company for another job almost a month ago. On her last week here, she sent me an email with a subject of Hello and Farewell...thanking me for all the help that I had for her and letting me know that she was leaving. I replied saying that also was love and that my intention with her was a lifetime project of us togehter, too bad we couldn't do it. I was relieved when she went away 'cause I started NC all the way. Since then have been 24 days of NC. Even her birthay was last week but I remained NC. During this time I started to do things to feel better about myself, the classic stuff, I go to the gym, I was looking to go back to school and do a master's degree, go out with friends, etc. Even travelled myself alone to another country. And that was helping... BUT I always found about what she's doing 'cause of a friend of her that works here (that any time she has the opportunity rubs in my face all that she's doing). And for other people I also found out that her new relationship is in trouble, 'cause her new partner is jealous and broke up with her (only two months after they started the relationship) for some stupid text message someone sent her. He is divorced with one kid, and has a lot of money. She is beggin' him that they can work it out, but the guy seems dubious. Anyway last week on his birthay both went travelling again, even when things are not ok between them. And how do I know about this? Because some people here keep coming to tell me. Last week I told these people not to tell me anymore. (Late I know) I don't need to know what happens in her life. It's awful, you begin to heal and this weekend I was only thinking of them on their travel.... Since she left the company, she has zero contact with me. It hurts 'cause all that we have been through, I think I would receive something one day (txt msg or something), just to know that all meant something to her. But I need to move on and take it as she will never contact me again. It's so painful. Sometimes I miss her a lot, (like this weekend) sometimes I have anger towards her for trashing all too easy, sometimes I picture her with the new guy and is terrible for me... Anyway, thanks for reading, it's a long post, any opinion or if someone feels identified, will be welcome. Just to know I'm not alone, and that this shall pass too.
Griesfootball Posted June 10, 2014 Posted June 10, 2014 That was a crazy story. It really seems unfair to you. It seems like you did everything right and she still just left you for some reason. With all that you have been through that's more than most go through in 2 years. I would try to self improve some things and still think about what you can do to get better. And you said her new relationship was getting bad, I suggest that you stay away and let that get worst and then maybe she will look and compare both and see how great you really were.
Yamaha Posted June 10, 2014 Posted June 10, 2014 You are doing the right things. She is no longer in your life and that is what she wanted. Just continue in the direction you are going and you will be fine. It hurts when you care but NC and time will dull the pain. Good Luck!
Author ProcessingThisBU Posted June 10, 2014 Author Posted June 10, 2014 Thanks guys, these are tough days, but I need to manage them in strict NC. Yesterday while I was driving I came with the conclusion that my emotions circle between envy (that she found someone very quick, and it seems someone who she's really into), sadness (missing her, you know when you drive somewhere you've been together, or something triggers a memory), abandonment (she never called again, she didn't care), jealous (of course just imagine her with her new boyfriend) and anger (how the hell she did this to me). I think it's a mix of basically these emotions. Maybe you can identify yourself too.
gj13 Posted June 10, 2014 Posted June 10, 2014 Thanks guys, these are tough days, but I need to manage them in strict NC. Yesterday while I was driving I came with the conclusion that my emotions circle between envy (that she found someone very quick, and it seems someone who she's really into), sadness (missing her, you know when you drive somewhere you've been together, or something triggers a memory), abandonment (she never called again, she didn't care), jealous (of course just imagine her with her new boyfriend) and anger (how the hell she did this to me). I think it's a mix of basically these emotions. Maybe you can identify yourself too. Thats the exact way i'm feeling and sometimes i can deal just fine, but other days are so much harder, like today... i can't cope and feel sick in the stomach. I just really wish he'd call or something even when i know he won't.
anemptycup Posted June 10, 2014 Posted June 10, 2014 Hey man, firstly - I am sorry you have to go through all this - sounds like you invested a lot of yourself into her and the relationship - and unfortunately from the start (freshly out of a long term relationship) you guys were on unstable ground... I'll try to focus on what i think are the most important things here.. 1. she felt the sparks were gone. I hate to be blunt - but, look - after a girl (or guy) comes out of a long term relationship - unless she has worked on herself and reached a point of being happy without needing anyone or anything externally to make her happy - the chances are she needed some love and affection to make her feel complete. And you may have served that purpose for her. granted over time you proved that you were an incredible person for her - but, relationship is more than just having an amazing friend there - there has to be chemistry (sparks) to keep it exciting and energized... and you can't ever force that. you did the right thing by going No Contact - but to be honest - based on how well you have been keeping informed with her life - i have to say - that you have not really been doing NC. True NC - true Healing... comes when you don't know anything about what that person is up to anymore... That's real NC - and it's frikkin hard to do - but it's the only way to heal... broke up with my ex (3 years) in Jan - and she immediately wasted no time and went dating - slept with a guy a week later - and i thought i was doing NC - but i wasn't - i was keeping tabs on what she was doing - who she was dating - and it only brought me pain - while she pushed forward and tried to move on wwith her life. Your Ex knew in her heart that the chemistry wasnt there and she decided it was best it be over - you can't blame her for that - it just plain old SUCKS when that happens - and to her - losing a friend - she maybe felt abandoned - who knows - all that matters is YOU - and you were right to not want to remain friends - that's super hard - but you really need to start some REAL NC... which means - no one should tell you anything about her - if they do - say "i don't want to know anything about her" NOW is a good time for you to stop getting info about her life - because by the sound of it - her life isn't going well... and i know it seems evil.. but... hey - it's better than knowing she is doing awesome and you are suffering - so... just know - her new relationship - to me seems like another re-bound... or, maybe she digs this guy a lot - but seems like he doesnt really - she's being pulled towards what she thinks she deserves - a guy who isn't showing her nearly the love you did... you deserve better dude... so, start some real NC - that means ZERO information about what is going on in her life - no snapchat, or whatsapp, or FB - delete her presence out of your life.... believe me - just trying to phase out THOUGHTS of our ex is hard enough - you don't want actual real time information to come in as well to keep fuelling more and more painful thoughts. No. Be strong - it will be hard - you will have really bad days where you just want a connection - but the more of those bad days you can get through without breaking and getting info about her - the sooner you will start to feel stronger and more free and more like yourself again understand - that your need is an Addiction - true love is when you feel whole and complete and don't NEED anyone - unfortunately - this woman has created a hole in you - and now you need to heal that hole up with your own Love for yourself... and just watch how you will get stronger day by day this guy's videos have helped me a lot: I advise you to use this period in your life to strengthen yourself more than ever before - sometimes going through this **** is an incredible opportunity to start a newer and better version of ourselves... and we sometimes can't do it when we are with someone and are "happy" find true happiness bro - good luck - and much love! 1
Alcatraz Posted June 10, 2014 Posted June 10, 2014 Keep NC and stay positive. You're doing good bro, keep it up. 2
Author ProcessingThisBU Posted June 11, 2014 Author Posted June 11, 2014 Thanks guys, I appreciate your comments. And yes I agree that with me knowing about her life is not NC at all. And is very painful. But yes, I have already told these people that I don't want to know about her. Although it seems her friend wants me to know, but I will stay away from her. (I don't know why they do this! ) There is this part inside of you that wants to know and the other part that knows it will hurt no matter what it is. Weird. And with the chemistry thing, I thought there was no problem with that, 'cause sex life was great, although the last month started to diminish, 'cause she was distant. (there's my answer right?) Today was a bad one, I missed her a lot. Let's keep the NC thing going.
anemptycup Posted June 11, 2014 Posted June 11, 2014 Thanks guys, I appreciate your comments. And yes I agree that with me knowing about her life is not NC at all. And is very painful. But yes, I have already told these people that I don't want to know about her. Although it seems her friend wants me to know, but I will stay away from her. (I don't know why they do this! ) There is this part inside of you that wants to know and the other part that knows it will hurt no matter what it is. Weird. And with the chemistry thing, I thought there was no problem with that, 'cause sex life was great, although the last month started to diminish, 'cause she was distant. (there's my answer right?) Today was a bad one, I missed her a lot. Let's keep the NC thing going. why do they do this? because Attention = Energy - and everyone craves energy - so, when you give her attention by being interested in what her friend says, or even just thinking of her - you are sending her your energy - and guess what? it will make her feel great.... you need your energy right now (attention) - you will start noticing it - the more attention you give to thoughts of her - the more **** you will feel - the more attention you can place on thoughts of YOU - your strengths, the things that make you amazing - (hard to do when you feel like **** - but know that you feel like **** because you have been thinking of her - giving away your power and your energy) keep your power - keep your energy - just focus your attention away from thoughts of her - and that's a great start.
Author ProcessingThisBU Posted June 17, 2014 Author Posted June 17, 2014 Yesterday, a friend of mine told me that maybe the issue here is that she used me as an emotional support while she was grief the loss of her parents. When she felt ok with that, she realized that I was useless to her anymore, so she break up with me. What do you think?
Author ProcessingThisBU Posted June 23, 2014 Author Posted June 23, 2014 This weekend was difficult. I almost contact her. I feel so down that she forgot me so fast. I wonder what she is doing, and if she's still with him. Still when I think about her I miss her. But then I think how fast she went to that guy's bed and feel like vomiting. 1 month 1 week NC so far. 4 months since BU. Hope it gets better.
Yamaha Posted June 24, 2014 Posted June 24, 2014 Try to keep yourself busy. It helps to take your mind off her. It's another thing when you sleep. If you are like me, my mind would race with thoughts and I couldn't sleep. Just takes time to dull the pain. Maybe try working out. Activities are the best remedy. Good Luck. We've all been where you are! 1 day at a time. 1
hoping2heal Posted June 24, 2014 Posted June 24, 2014 "You deserve better" gets said so much that I think it's probably become a cliche by now, with little meaning. But, man all I could think as I read your story was that you deserved so much better. This seems to be the "norm" for this girl - the ladder jumping. Gets out of one RS and jumps right into the next. Doesn't seem to take time to process or heal, but maybe that's because she's checked out long before the end. The wise of the world laugh at the idea of "Sparks" of course they exist, but love becomes committment. After many years together your "feelings" fluctuate on a day to day basis at times. But, when you honor and respect and give caring to another person it has been my experience that "sparks" or not - you develop such a deep love for them. This is probably something this woman knows nothing about - she comes for the honeymoon phase and then bounces when it's run the course. You sound like a wonderful man and you deserve the kind of partner who will love you in the way I described above. It's one thing to give love like that to another, but the day you meet a woman who gives you the kind of love you are giving - this girl will be a memory AND a sigh of relief, as you finally realize how good it feels to have the love you deserve. 1
Author ProcessingThisBU Posted June 25, 2014 Author Posted June 25, 2014 @hoping2heal Thank you for your kind words. It's funny how the world works, 'cause right now I was arriving to my office when a friend from there called me and told me to enter by the other entrance... why? because she came in today to pick up some papers she needed, and I would bump into her. God my heart is racing, and I don't know why. Maybe see her again. And then I read you're post, and it gave me peace of mind.
theexfiance Posted June 25, 2014 Posted June 25, 2014 Stay strong man. NC is really the best way to go. Learn to have confidence and develop a strong love for yourself. You have only you to think about. If you do see her, so what? You're going to have feelings. Maybe always. You went through a lot together and sometimes, that can bind two people together more than their feelings for each other. My advice is this: don't be too hard on yourself. You didn't do anything wrong. Speaking from personal experience: girls who go through personal tragedies are a ****ing mess. Don't try to heal them or support them if you want to be in a stable relationship with them. You wind up being a temporary emotional crutch and by the time they figure that out, they're already onto the next guy. Hang in there. 2
lovebug_5858 Posted June 26, 2014 Posted June 26, 2014 Just read your story and I'm sorry that this has happened to you... I truly don't understand people... as in why she is begging him yet... You know what I mean? But enough about her... I am glad that you are doing NC and are coping with this. I know that still you'd like to know that it all meant something but sometimes we don't even get that... My ex has not moved on to another woman yet, and if he has I am unaware of it, but I imagine the day he does It will feel like a thousand pins and needles crushing me... So I admire those of you who have already been through and have obviously survived as we all will. Be hopeful, and know that you will get through this. 1
Author ProcessingThisBU Posted August 5, 2014 Author Posted August 5, 2014 Hi everyone! me again. It's been 6 months since BU and this last week I've been feeling down... I don't know, I was coping better last couple of months, but today is my birthday and I'm missing her a lot. I'm still stuck in thinking I did something wrong and because of that I lost her... you know? the problem here is that I think I lost the girl of my life... emotionally. But mentally I know that she did things that were not ok... at the end of the relationship most of all. I'm working on issues like this one, on understanding why I'm being too hard on myself. Working on my toxic perfectionism. Also I'm working out and in the better shape of my life. I'm going back to school to study my master's degree, and also I'm looking to buy a new house. But it still hurts and have days like this, where I feel abandoned and flawed. I went out on some dates but nothing serious. Idk I think that 6 months is too much time and that I should feel better by now.
Author ProcessingThisBU Posted August 13, 2014 Author Posted August 13, 2014 Lately I have been thinking of all what happened, and need to comment about it. I read some about things like creating emotional tension with women and stuff like that... and now I can't stop beating myself up about this. (if you read my thread, you'll see that bu involved the "lack of sparks" thing...) I now believe it's all my fault that the relationship ended. I did not do certain things. And I feel awful. Guilty, stupid, idk, I'm thinking that literally it was my fault that she is now with another guy... it's costing me a lot emotionally to know that it was my fault. How do you cope with this? Can you give me your opinion? thanks a lot...
Lingo1 Posted August 13, 2014 Posted August 13, 2014 Lately I have been thinking of all what happened, and need to comment about it. I read some about things like creating emotional tension with women and stuff like that... and now I can't stop beating myself up about this. (if you read my thread, you'll see that bu involved the "lack of sparks" thing...) I now believe it's all my fault that the relationship ended. I did not do certain things. And I feel awful. Guilty, stupid, idk, I'm thinking that literally it was my fault that she is now with another guy... it's costing me a lot emotionally to know that it was my fault. How do you cope with this? Can you give me your opinion? thanks a lot... Trust me my man there is something called Karma and things will work out your way right now i just begun NC few days ago ya i am hurting and etc but there is nothing i can do i love her i know she still loves me , but u can't let them use ous MEN as a back up plan my ex girlfriend i though i would spend the rest of my life with broke up with my because of my temper , or anger ( i though she would have told me and we fix this together) but she didnt she just get stringing me on telling me she wants to be friend and she isnt talking to anyone else come to find out the next month while i was there thinking we could fix it she tells me i am talking to someone else ( which in my head i knew and didnt want to accept or believe she would do that to me) after begging and pleading one side of her is confused to work it out and the other was telling her move on . Well now she told me shes happy but she still lurking around on my fb which i find hilarious because she dumped me for another boy ,but i am 4 days NC plan on going longer to see how things go anytime u want to contact her just tell yourself " Karma and that u deserve better" who knows she might come back around in the future just try to better yourself, change some habits, and show her you are happy without her and u can live your life it will eat her away
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