Anyone ever feel the need to just hear from their ex its never going to happen?

[sportygirl]

Hi.

 

I think I may need my head checked! I'm totally still obsessing over a guy that ended things a year ago. We didn't even date for that long! We were friends before dating, and still keep some limited contact now (an email every 2 weeks or so)... but I still am hanging on for him to one day want me back. I've tried to move on and see other people, but even now I still want to run into him, or work from the same office (we're mobile workers) so as I have an excuse to have tea with him for him to feel what he once felt before. The thing is, I feel that I can't quite move on without know it won't ever, ever happen. I'm so close to just asking him its a never ever. This seems so daft when clearly it won't happen as he's gone a year without making indications to date again.

 

I just really feel right now that the 'what if' is preventing me from chosing the area where to live, and what jobs to take at work for fear our paths won't cross again. I know this isn't rational.

 

Please stop me from making myself look a fool... words of wisdom and reality check please on how crazy he'd view me for even bringing this up again! So close to messaging him :-(

[Emilia]

So when you have contact, what do you talk about? How is he with you? Do you have that tea with him? Do you socialise in any way?

[sportygirl]

General day to day chit chat... mostly just what friends natter about. We also talk about serious things in our lives too - jobs / family / friends... but we never talk about 'us'. In the early days after he ended things he wanted to be more playful, and I went along with it to an extent, but said we needed to put a stop to that - either friends or bf / gf... nothing in between as it was tearing me up.

[sportygirl]

... the last time we met for a coffee break at work was about a month ago. I'm so temtped to drive the 2 hour distance to his office tomorrow (I have meetings there from time to time) just for the chance of another catchup.... this is how detached from reality my thinking is :-(

[Emilia]

I think you need to cut contact with him completely. Block contact as much as you can. Because you are mobile workers, I'm sure you don't see him frequently, or maybe you need to change jobs if possible. The amount and the nature of the contact with him makes it completely impossible for you to move on.

 

I think you are clear in your mind that he doesn't want a relationship therefore you need to follow through with the 'nothing' part.

[sportygirl]

I totally agree with you... though I've tried to cut contact so many times... I just hate the thought of losing him altogether.

[Emilia]

I totally agree with you... though I've tried to cut contact so many times... I just hate the thought of losing him altogether.

Changing jobs would be a good idea I think.

[d0nnivain]

Losing him for good is a GOOD idea. You can't keep hanging on to something that has been over for a year & wasn't working before that. It's not healthy.

[sportygirl]

The thing is, it's almost as if I need to hear him say it's 100% never ever in a million years going to happen... don't know why... but the hope still seems to be there. Pathetic I know.x

[HeartbrokenNewbie]

I get exactly what you are saying... Im 10 months post BU and today I have wanted to text and say "can you either just tell me there never will be a chance again or just ignore this message" (the ignoring makes me angry which is easier to move on with!) seriously its ridiculous but I have these days when I do the whole 'what if' etc and hearing that would make me go "okay cool back on with normal life then"... if you are crazy then I am too! lol x

[Itspointless]

but the hope still seems to be there. Pathetic I know.x

I do not think it is pathetic but you have to set yourself free. This will drive you insane. People can learn to live with loss, you can believe me on this. It will take time and sometimes loss will tear you up years after, but at least you have learned to live again with that loss (yes I say with). Now you are putting your life on halt for someone who just wants to be playful. Nobody is worth putting your life on halt for if there isn't a clear agreement or circumstances that made things that way for the time-being! Let him play with someone else.

[KaliLove]

The thing is, it's almost as if I need to hear him say it's 100% never ever in a million years going to happen... don't know why... but the hope still seems to be there. Pathetic I know.x

 

So why don't you ask? There are only 2 possible outcomes if you do:

 

1. He tells you he'd be willing to try again.

 

2. He tells you he's not interested in a romantic relationship with you and you finally know for sure and can cut contact accordingly.

 

I wouldn't tell him that you've been obsessing for a year, I would just say that you're interested in rekindling things and is that something he would be willing to do. Or perhaps someone else has a better suggestion as to how to phrase it..

 

Either way, you're free from the obsession.

[Simon Phoenix]

I totally agree with you... though I've tried to cut contact so many times... I just hate the thought of losing him altogether.

 

You already lost him. I mean, the reason this is going on still is because you have this stubborn aversion to NC. You really need to stop bashing your head against the wall repeatedly. That wall isn't breaking -- your head is.

[sportygirl]

Thanks for the messages - KaliLove - the thing is I think he knows I still like him... so I've already dropped the ball on him not knowing I've been obsessing for a year. As much as I want to ask that question so much, I'm pretty worried about how pathetic having to actually ask will look in his eyes... bigger blow to the esteem I think than him actually say 'no chance'!

[sportygirl]

HeatBrokenNewbie - do you ever give in on those days? I'm still so tempted to head to his office today to say hello!... and I hate myself for that :'-(

[Million.to.1]

You need to cut contact with him. You've never had the chance to move on with this weird work coffee email friendship.

How many times has HE initiated one of these "catch-ups"? Does he email you first?

 

I think you'll find that if you didn't get in touch for a while, he wouldn't either.

 

You really don't need to ask him any "is it going to happen?". The answer is obvious, and you will really embarrass yourself.

 

"Losing him completely" HA! - who cares? Just stop seeing him, and drop the friendship. It's not good for you. You'll meet someone else eventually and forget all about him.

[HeartbrokenNewbie]

No... not yet anyway lol I did back in the early days and he told me no but that was months ago and the feeling creeps back in after a period of NC... like you said I think it would look desperate... I want too tho! lol x

[HeartbrokenNewbie]

Ill tell you what makes me think it is that I have convinced myself at the moment that he's missing me... lol do you ever have that? x

[jackslife]

This is so sad, and I don't want to sound cruel, but he doesn't think of you. And if he did then not in the way you want him to. From his pov, you had a thing but now you've both moved on. To a degree he still 'has' you. Every contact pics the scab and opens the wound again. By seeing him you are not letting that wound heal.

 

My suggestion is to try a little bit of counselling - I'm guessing you're from the states so imagine this will be expensive, but worth the money. I don't mean years of self indulgent middle class moaning, but a couple of sessions to get your head together.

 

You've been in mourning for a year now. There are no limits to the time scale but you need to help yourself. Do you want to feel like this next year, or in 5 years time...?

[sportygirl]

Thanks for the reality check there Million.to.1 and Jasklife. Its the truth that I need to hear.

[sportygirl]

I'm actually based in the UK Jackslife... so I think I'm going to look into the counseling... I just need my brain to be repgorammed a little to see the sense in moving forwards - as I seem to be massively stuggling with that.

[jackslife]

To sporty girl.

 

Then try Relate. It's not just for couples. I've used it myself. You make an appointment to be assessed which is like a mini session and then they recommend a course of action.

 

The charges are based on income and what you can afford. But maximum £40 an hour. It's worth every penny! They are non judgemental and trained. You can pick if you see a woman or a man, it can take a week or two to get in appointment. But make one, go and start moving in.

 

I was so nervous when I went and I'm so glad I did. It gives you perspective, and the very act of booking it helps you move on.

[sportygirl]

Million.to.1 - the funny thing is that in the first few months after the breakup he initiated all the catch-ups and emails. At that point I was feeling raw from him not wanting to be with me, so left the ball in his court. Its only been in the past few months when he's finally withdrawn that I'm now the initiator... you're right though... I need to stop.

[sportygirl]

So I've just seen him at work and we had a quick chat... first time in a month. No need for me to ask any questions... its clear he's very happy and has moved on. Feel so alone - guess I still was thinking of him as the man who'd once seemed to feel so much for me. The connection we once shared is clearly gone. X

[sportygirl]

I know most of you on this forum have been there... I just feel so disposable right now... and like I meant nothing to him. X