15 years together, 2 kids, she loves me but says it's over

[yorkie]

its tough and it will get worse prepare yourself! my ex left me and my kids and goes on hoidays with her new bloke like I wasn't there but you know what. you just have to try and focus on your kids be the good parent do not stop seeing your kids. my and my ex don't talk even now 10 months on! we just text or email she drops the kids off outside the house and doesn't even get out of the car! you need to heal but don't stop seeing your kids take every chance you can hate your ex and love your kids more! I know how hard it is! and if we were sat round a table having a beer I could tell you how hard it actually is and still is for me but I cant type it all! just don't have the energy for it. but remember keep your head high chest out and breath! believe in yourself now! honest talk to yourself in the mirror and do it say great things about yourself! it does help!

listen feel free if you ever wanna private message me about things I know how tough it is!

[hfp]

I really feel like writing an angry email to my ex about how ****ing cold she is to me right now. I feel like ****. The kids miss me, but I am too much in the gutter to see them often enough at the moment. Shouldn't she want a good relationship to their father? Not a long time ago, she said she loved me and that she would always love me and that she really hoped we could stay friends and that it was very important that the children had their father and that I was a great father and so on.

 

And now she is not making any effort at all to make it easier for me, to make it easier on the kids, to make it work. She is just focusing on her own needs.

 

Why is it a bad idea for me to write an angry email to her? I am not expecting any kind of closure from her, I think she is a cold bitch. I just don't understand why I shouldn't tell her what she has done and how it feels and why I think it is the most disgusting way she is acting.

 

This is so ****ing heartless. I will never forgive her. She is not a good person.

[Itspointless]

Go to the gym to release your anger or run until you energy has been gone completely! Do not give her even more power.

[ThorntonMelon]

The kids miss me, but I am too much in the gutter to see them often enough at the moment.

 

Absolutely unacceptable.

 

And now she is not making any effort at all to make it easier for me, to make it easier on the kids, to make it work. She is just focusing on her own needs.

 

Please read the first quote above. You are both caught up in yourselves and your own self-pity.

 

For your kids sake please see a therapist and realize that the grieving process will take you a while but in the meantime the kids are what matter.

[hfp]

I think it is unacceptable too. But I is so hard to see my ex and it is hard to stay cool around her or to stay cold or to stay mad or to be friends.

 

Right now, I just want to see my kids without any demands on how I feel or act towards my ex at the same time.

 

I feel like telling my ex that I am miserable but that I want to see the kids. She will probably be sweet and sympathetic if I do. But that is a bad idea, I have to stay cool and act as if I am fine? That is so hard.

[hfp]

I am too exhausted to stay mad at her, to pretend I am cool, or to be cold. I just want so see my kids and not hide that I am miserable. Is that such a crime?

[2sunny]

Her wanting to be friends isn't in your best interest if you want to heal and move forward.

 

She may be doing that to feel important or to relieve her guilt.

 

No need to communicate - she should feel badly - you need your own time to stay/get strong.

 

You can tell her to leave you alone - and stop bugging you.

 

You can make an agreement that communicating is strictly in case the kids need something communicated to you.

 

The sooner you distance yourself - the quicker the emotions can heal.

Edited June 28, 2014 by 2sunny

[hfp]

Friends or not, I just want to write: "I feel miserable and miss the kids. Can I see them soon?". Also as an explanation for why I haven't contacted her about seeing the kids in a week or so.

 

Is that such a bad thing? Why is it better that I remain artificially cool and say nothing about why I haven't contacted her about the kids and just say "hey, I want to see the kids"? Why is that better?

[hfp]

What if she asks: Why haven't you contacted me about the kids? Why are you so cold?

[Purepony]

She is probably feeling horrible for ending things between you two.

 

I find it hilarious how magically after a breakup your ex always begins to "Care", meanwhile before they do it they push you away, treat you like dirt and want nothing to do with you.

 

I say give her what she wants - a divorce. Let her live with her decision...she lost her right to know what is going on with you the minute she said she no longer wants to be with you.

 

However, due to the fact you have kids, you will need to speak. Contact her when you would like to arrange to see the children. When you do speak with her, be very brief and straight to the point, don't let her have that whole "closure" talk. I would just tell her "I would appreciate if we only speak about the children" and arrange particular dates to see them.

 

Don't fight, don't beg and don't even bother trying to convince her to change her mind because she wont. By keeping NC you are actually pulling her in closer rather then further. Everytime you are around, it only pushes her further and further away...I know it sounds odd but its the truth. You need to regain your strength, pull yourself together and appear like you are perfectly fine and don't need her to check up on you. Be strong for your kids and keep looking out for yourself moving forward.

 

 

This is not confusing! She made her choice! Its almost like a celebration for her to break up with you and then string you along every few years.

 

Read the above posters advice it has the answered to your questions!

[Purepony]

Okay, so she came over a moment ago. She still has a key, she let herself in. She was saying: "I didn't hear a word from you! I didn't know where you were and if you were alive!". I said: "I'm fine. I'll contact you later about the kids when I'm ready". I wanted to be strong, happy, indifferent, non-invested. But I was probably a little too invested. A little too rejecting.

 

She said: "I was awake until 3 am. I had my mom at my place. We were all worrying whether you were dead.". She was angry.

 

I said: "Well, I'm fine. Now you know. Whatever you and your mom do is none of my business. I have had many restless nights too. I will contact you about the kids when I am ready". Again, a little to invested and hurt and rejecting on my part. I just want to move on and not depend on her at all. That means I have a hard time balancing not being too invested, too hurt, too angry, too rejecting and not being to friendly, too accommodating, too "I'm totally okay with your decision". I don't know how to respond, so it gets a little too invested at the moment. That's also why I didn't respond to her calls and messages in the first place. I don't want to tell her "I am not okay, I am hurt and angry and sad", but I also don't want to tell her "I am completely okay with your decision, now let's really be happy about your decision and cooperate about the kids."

 

How to balance all this...

 

Good move here! I'm proud of you. You sounded tough and you stayed cool!

[hfp]

I still don't know what to do

[2sunny]

If you want to see the kids - text her only about that - and state a time you will pick them up and drop them off.

 

She should be willing to say yes to anytime.

 

What does it mean when you say "you're in the gutter"?

[ThorntonMelon]

Seriously, you're actually putting in writing that you're not seeing your kids because you can't control your emotions for your ex!!

 

Please understand how positively frightening that sounds as an outsider looking in. You have got to put your kids first here. Seriously.

[hfp]

If you want to see the kids - text her only about that - and state a time you will pick them up and drop them off.

 

She should be willing to say yes to anytime.

 

What does it mean when you say "you're in the gutter"?

 

It means that I am extremely sad all the time. And that I find it really hard to even contact her about the kids, because I hate even dealing with her.

[hfp]

Seriously, you're actually putting in writing that you're not seeing your kids because you can't control your emotions for your ex!!

 

Please understand how positively frightening that sounds as an outsider looking in. You have got to put your kids first here. Seriously.

 

I understand and I agree. But it is not as if I don't see them at all. It's been six days since last time today. And then it was for a few hours. It's just that I want to see them a lot more. I just don't want to deal with my ex at all at the moment.

 

Also, how good is it for the kids to be with me while I am a total wreck? Sad, no energy, no happiness etc.?

 

I've made arrangements with my mom so that she picks up the kids and comes to my place today. That way I can see them without dealing with my ex.

[ThorntonMelon]

Honestly, you're rationalizing insane behavior. Seeing her cannot be so painful that you are willing to leave your kids wondering why they aren't seeing their dad.

 

If you are, you need serious professional help immediately. I am praying for you and more significantly your kids - it is so important you snap out of this immediately.

[hfp]

Honestly, you're rationalizing insane behavior. Seeing her cannot be so painful that you are willing to leave your kids wondering why they aren't seeing their dad.

 

If you are, you need serious professional help immediately. I am praying for you and more significantly your kids - it is so important you snap out of this immediately.

 

I think you are exaggerating. What is insane about my behavior? I have seen my kids every week since the breakup, often several times a week. The 9yo has her own phone so that we can talk, and she can walk over here by herself and has slept her for 4 consecutive nights on occasion and we then of course have a good time and eat dinner and breakfast together and I take her to school etc. With the 2yo it is not so simple, it is best for her to sleep at her mothers place at the moment. But I see her for a half or whole day a couple of times a week.

 

I saw them both last time on tuesday. And then in the meantime, I felt more and more betrayed and so on, and I couldn't get myself to contact their mother. It was too painful. Of course, that would not be okay for an extended period of time, but I've found a solution for now. My mom picks up the kids and brings them here. They were here today and it was wonderful.

 

I know I was being more dramatic yesterday, but I am feeling better now. Screw my ex.

[SoleMate]

hfp, you should be putting your kids first. Don't avoid your kids because of the awkwardness with their mother. A good father will do whatever it takes to be there for his kids. Go take them to the playground now....or whenever the sun comes up.

 

(And yes, it's really sad that just when she was going to start contributing financially and things would be comfortable for all of you, she decides to move on.)

[hfp]

I _did_ take the kids to the playground today. As I wrote, my mom brought them to my house.

[hfp]

What to do when my dumper writes angry messages bossing me around and telling me what to do and what I have failed to do etc.?

 

I am doing my best to go LC. I responded to the angry message with a very brief response. No anger, just the essense of the answer to the question she was asking hidden in the long angry message. I think that was well done on my part. I was angry, but I was trying to avoid a lot of back and forth, I just wanted her to go away.

 

On the other hand, I have a nagging feeling that she has not respected my boundaries.

 

It's bad enough that she is leaving me. On top of that, she is dating another guy one month after it was final. And she sends me angry and bossy messages.

 

I feel the need to set a boundary. I am tempted to write to her and tell her, well, the above. That she is leaving me, is ****ting all over hour history and past one month after and that she shouldn't write angry letters to me, go **** yourself. Sort your problems out yourself.

 

But it's probably a bad idea?

 

How to set boundaries when you are LC/NC and your dumper sends you angry messages or otherwise disrespects your boundaries?

 

I know I should just not contact her. But I shouldn't just take **** from her silently, I feel.

 

What to do now that I've already responded briefly? Respond again, telling her to **** off?

 

What to do next time she contacts me with anger or otherwise attacks my boundaries?

Edited June 30, 2014 by hfp

[ThorntonMelon]

And then in the meantime, I felt more and more betrayed and so on, and I couldn't get myself to contact their mother. It was too painful.

 

Well, I don't think I was exaggerating at all. If seeing your kids once every 6 days is OK, because you can't handle speaking to your ex, so be it.

 

I realize you've got all sorts of rationalizations for things, like making your 9 YO walk to you and your mother to carpool, but those kids are seeing their dad melt down and unable to manage his emotions and be a strong role model for them. They WILL suffer for it later in life. I truly hope for their sake you stop doing this 5th grade immature nonsense with your ex, focus solely on your kids, forget boundaries and notes and texts and act like a grown-up and then when the kids are with their mom, go to the gym, punch a bag until you can't move anymore, and cry it all out then.

[Itspointless]

Well, I don't think I was exaggerating at all. If seeing your kids once every 6 days is OK, because you can't handle speaking to your ex, so be it.

 

I realize you've got all sorts of rationalizations for things, like making your 9 YO walk to you and your mother to carpool, but those kids are seeing their dad melt down and unable to manage his emotions and be a strong role model for them. They WILL suffer for it later in life. I truly hope for their sake you stop doing this 5th grade immature nonsense with your ex, focus solely on your kids, forget boundaries and notes and texts and act like a grown-up and then when the kids are with their mom, go to the gym, punch a bag until you can't move anymore, and cry it all out then.

I agree and disagree with you. In a wonderful world we all are emotionally capable of being the most balanced human and parent on earth. I cant look in hfp his history and why he became the man he now is. I can look at my own history though and I can see some dysfunctional patterns that make me sympathise a lot with him. Reread his initial story, it isn't a coincidence that he ended up with this woman. Sometimes things are pretty hard wired with humans and usually those patterns unconsciously emerge most clearly when we are stressed and under pressure. Sometimes consciously wanting things is the easiest part, but practically we just are not capable of the things we want. I am sure he gets what all of you are telling him, lets not forget he is doing therapy. Unfortunately rewriting you psychology isn't done in a day. That isn't an excuse to not work on yourself, but give him some slack. I am guessing his self-worth is already on a all-time low.

 

hpf, your kids are worth more than every person in the world, more than ourselves. Unfortunately the things we cant do are usually transposed to our children. It is your quest to understand that and forcome that in the best way possible. I trust that you will do everything that is in your possession to give them the most balanced father they can wish, that includes being in therapy and working on yourself.

 

Be strong and kind to yourself.

[ThorntonMelon]

We don't disagree. I agree with every word you typed. But that doesn't mean we don't have a responsibility to go past that for our kids.

 

Maybe I am a hair harsh, but as a dad who has dealt with divorce and an ex who has brainwashed his kids up and down I take the parenting thing seriously and think he seems too laissez-faire about his kids feelings for my taste.

 

I'll move out of this thread now.

[2sunny]

What to do when my dumper writes angry messages bossing me around and telling me what to do and what I have failed to do etc.?

 

I am doing my best to go LC. I responded to the angry message with a very brief response. No anger, just the essense of the answer to the question she was asking hidden in the long angry message. I think that was well done on my part. I was angry, but I was trying to avoid a lot of back and forth, I just wanted her to go away.

 

On the other hand, I have a nagging feeling that she has not respected my boundaries.

 

It's bad enough that she is leaving me. On top of that, she is dating another guy one month after it was final. And she sends me angry and bossy messages.

 

I feel the need to set a boundary. I am tempted to write to her and tell her, well, the above. That she is leaving me, is ****ting all over hour history and past one month after and that she shouldn't write angry letters to me, go **** yourself. Sort your problems out yourself.

 

But it's probably a bad idea?

 

How to set boundaries when you are LC/NC and your dumper sends you angry messages or otherwise disrespects your boundaries?

 

I know I should just not contact her. But I shouldn't just take **** from her silently, I feel.

 

What to do now that I've already responded briefly? Respond again, telling her to **** off?

 

What to do next time she contacts me with anger or otherwise attacks my boundaries?

 

When my exH did those things - I reminded him that we aren't married anymore since he broke the vows (the D wasn't finalized yet). I reminded him that he's not in a position to tell me anything.

 

What was she asking you to do?